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Previously, we looked at the DISC personality framework, which tells us how to communicate with others and how people prefer to do work. This article will talk about another personality framework: The Four Tendencies. This framework was developed by Gretchen Rubin, an American writer who studies happiness. She wrote a whole book on it. This personality tests is useful because it answers the question, “ How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want them to do? ” The Four Tendencies test is a narrow personality test that measures two things: How readily you meet inner expectations How readily you meet outer expectations Inner expectations are things you expect of yourself. A common example is a New Year’s resolution. If you can easily meet goals that you set for yourself, then you readily meet inner expectations. Outer expectations are things that other people expect from you. A common example is a friend asking you to go to the gym with him/her to exercise together. If you tend to do things because other people asked you to (especially when you don’t really want to), then you readily meet outer expectations. There are four possible personality types in the Four Tendencies: Upholder: readily meets inner and outer expectations Questioner: readily meets inner expectations only Obliger: readily meets outer expectations only Rebel: resists both inner and outer expectations You can take a formal quiz here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ Or you can pick a statement that matches you: Upholder : I love routines, and people think I’m extremely disciplined. Questioner : I love researching, and people sometimes say that I ask “Why?” too much. Obliger : I put others ahead of me, and I value harmony in relationships. Rebel : I value freedom and choice; I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Mottos for each Tendency According to a representative sample, the distribution of the tendencies is 41% Obligers, 24% Questioners, 19% Upholders, and 17% Rebels. This article will explain each tendency in detail, then look at examples of applying the Four Tendencies in real life, and then answer some FAQs. If you are a Rebel or Obliger, I strongly encourage you to learn about your Tendency because traditional advice often does not work for these two Tendencies. Here's a click-able table of contents to help you navigate the article: 1: Upholder Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Upholder Working with an Upholder 2: Questioner Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Questioner Working with a Questioner 3: Obliger Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Obliger Working with an Obliger 4: Rebel Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Rebel Working with a Rebel 5: How I've Applied the Four Tendencies in My Life 6: Frequently Asked Questions 1. Upholder: Discipline is My Freedom. Upholders readily meet inner and outer expectations. They are highly disciplined and love schedules, rules, and routines. Strengths and Weaknesses of Upholders For strengths, Upholders are highly productive and can easily form habits. They rarely have trouble getting themselves to do things. For weaknesses, they might seem rigid and cold because they don't like changing plans, and they usually prioritize meeting their needs over other people's needs. They might also experience upholder-tightening, which is when they start a new habit and can't relax. For example, they start a habit of walking 10,000 steps, and even when they have a really busy day, they'll stay up late a night to finish that goal. Working with Yourself as an Upholder Upholders might find themselves with too much things to do, and feel like they're not getting the important things done. To overcome this problem, clearly articulate your priorities, and perhaps have different to-do lists rather than one big one. Working with Upholders When working with Upholders, it's important to give them prior notice. As long as they have enough time to help you, they usually will. 2. Questioners: I'll comply...If you convince me why. Questioners turn all outer expectations into inner expectations if they believe its reasonable and efficient. Thus, Questioners only meet inner expectations. Some random characteristics of Questioners: They hate waiting in line, they love spreadsheets, and they love sharing articles. “Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.” — Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Questioners Questioners excel at being logical and efficient in everything they do. But they can also be viewed as annoying for their constant questioning unless they are very socially adept when asking those questions. They also need to be wary of analysis-paralysis , which is when they spend too long researching that they take action too late. Working with Yourself as a Questioner Questioners are generally pretty happy with themselves, but they can get frustrated at others for doing things that seem illogical or inefficient. To overcome this frustration, just remind yourself that you are only 24% of the population. If you need to do something that you think is illogical or inefficient, you can always tell yourself, " Maybe this task is illogical/inefficient, but it's important to someone I care about or respect. So I will do it for them. " If you find yourself getting into analysis-paralysis, simply give yourself a deadline. Working with a Questioner Questioners can add value to relationships and organizations by ensuring people don’t unthinkingly accept expectations that aren’t justified or efficient. They key with Questioners is justification. Once they accept an expectation, you can count on them to deliver (and maybe even improve upon a process for you.) Ironically, many Questioners resist being questioned because they think, “ If I made this decision, I obviously researched it thoroughly. It’s not my fault if you didn’t do your research on the topic. ” Questioners also hate questions that are a waste of time. Their first thought is always, “ Why should I bother answering this question? ” If, upon reflection, you realize your question doesn’t really need to be answered, then let it go. If the question is important, then ask the Questioner to share their thought process and logic. They enjoy that. 3. Obligers: You can count on me...and I'm counting on you to count on me! Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet any inner expectation. For this reason, they gain the most from learning about their tendency. “ When what others expect from Obligers is what they expect from themselves, they have the life they want. ” – Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Obligers Obligers are the easiest tendency to get along with because they are naturally harmonious. But they often get frustrated at themselves for being unable to meet internal goals and may struggle with self-care. Working with Yourself as an Obliger It’s worth mentioning again that Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet an inner goal. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s just different wiring in the brain. Fortunately, there’s always ways to create accountability. Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable. For some Obligers, a simple cellphone reminder may be enough. For others, they may need supervision or monitoring from others. Here are some ideas for creating accountability: Deadlines to someone else whose opinion you care about Monitoring via an app or a person (like a paid coach) Thinking of yourself as a role model to those around you Thinking of what your “future self” would expect of your “current self” Spending someone else’s money for a class/course (rather than your own money) Getting an accountability partner (like a gym buddy or a reading buddy) Unfortunately, Obligers are often taken advantage of, which leads to resentment. If an Obliger is faced with prolonged expectations that are unfair, unrealistic, nagging, or makes them feel taken for granted , an Obliger can fall into Obliger-Rebellion . When this happens, they will stop meeting all expectations and often do sudden and dramatic things like ending a marriage with an ungrateful spouse or quitting a job due to unfair treatment. After a period of time, even if nothing changes, the Obliger-Rebellion will end and the Obliger will go back to normal, but those burnt bridges will be forever burnt. To prevent Obliger-Rebellion, Obligers must stand up for themselves. This can be very hard as its against their nature. Unfortunately, Obligers can't count on other tendencies to stand up for them because they are all used to standing up for themselves (so they expect you to do the same). If you want to be free of these unfair expectations, the simple act of bringing it up in a conversation can often be enough. If you are struggling to say no to other people despite feeling overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that saying no to someone is actually saying yes to someone else or something else that's more important. Working with an Obliger Obligers are like the adhesive in a relationship or a team. They bring people together and focus on maintaining good relationships. Just be careful to not take advantage of them. As mentioned earlier, Obligers are often taken advantage of, so we need to do our part in making sure they are treated fairly. If you are unsure if you are taking advantage of someone, simply ask yourself, " If I was in their shoes, would I feel like I'm being treated unfairly or taken advantage of? " If the answer is yes, the Obliger probably feels that way too but just isn't speaking up. Help fix the unfairness to mitigate the risk of Obliger-Rebellion. When you ask an Obliger to do something, remember to give them a deadline. Even if you don't think it's necessary, Obligers need it to feel motivated to start. One special situation with Obligers is that they might not meet the expectations of their spouse or close partner. That's because they see their spouse as so close to them that they ignore their expectations just like how they ignore their own expectations! The solution is to talk about it and become aware of it. That might fix it. If not, then look for other sources of accountability. 4. Rebels: You can't make me...and neither can I. Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way, and on their own time. If someone else tells them to do the exact same thing, they will resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves to do something. They prefer to act from freedom , choice , and self-expression . Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels Rebels are naturally authentic and enjoy overcoming challenges. Since Rebels resist all expectations, they may be viewed as inconsiderate or uncooperative. Rebels also might struggle with themselves because conventional advice doesn’t work for them. They are told to set goals and to get outer accountability by all the other tendencies, but those things actually make it harder for Rebels to do things. Working with Yourself as a Rebel Rebels can do anything they want to do, so self-understanding is key for Rebels. They should get clarity on their values and use their values as decision criteria for whether or not to do things. For example, “ I am a good partner, so I will take responsibility for my fair share of chores regardless of what my partner wants me to do. ” A Rebel can sometimes feel unproductive because the thought of having to do things makes them not want to do it anymore. The solution is to re-frame the tasks as a choice , challenge , or game . For example, instead of making a to-do list, a Rebel can make a could-do list and just do the things they feel like doing at that time. Another idea is to put a bunch of tasks on small folded-pieces of paper in a bowl. Then draw randomly from the bowl and do that item. This makes it a game of chance, but you can still be very productive this way. When others ask Rebels to do something, they can feel less motivated to do it even if they originally wanted to do it. In these situations, a Rebel can remember, “ I’m free to do something even if someone else wants me to do it. ” After all, not doing something because someone else asked is just as un-free as doing it because someone asked. Working with a Rebel The other tendencies tend to lack understanding for Rebels, making everyone’s lives harder. When communicating with rebels, we should use this sequence: Information-Consequence-Choice. Here is an example of what a school counselor might say to a Rebel student who doesn’t want to do her volunteer hours: “ To graduate high school, students must complete 100 volunteer hours. Students who start earlier as a freshman of sophomore have more choices about projects and when to do it. The longer students wait, the less choices they have. I know seniors who lost their spring break because they had to spend that time doing their service hours. My door is open whenever you'd like to talk about choosing a service project .” After giving the Information-Consequence-Choice message, don't monitor or nag them. They do best without supervision. If a Rebel refuses to do something, don't save them from the consequences . They need to experience the painful consequences for them to learn the importance of something. Another way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their identity . For example, instead of asking them to stop being late, say “ Why do you keep being late? That’s just so inconsiderate! ” If the Rebel doesn’t want to be seen as inconsiderate by you, he/she will likely be on time in the future. A third way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their ability . For example, you can say, “ Well, it’s hard for many people to stay fit and healthy these days, so I’m not surprised you’re struggling too. ” A statement like that may light a fire within a Rebel to prove themselves capable of overcoming that challenge. How I’ve Applied the Four Tendencies to My Life I know the tendencies of everyone that’s important to me or that I have to interact with on a regular basis. This allows me to predict their behavior in terms of responding to their inner and outer expectations. Example 1: Mom, Upholder I realized my mom is an Upholder because she always preaches rules to me, she loves to-do lists and calendars, she’s very uptight about planning and wanting things to go as planned, and she gets things done fast. I also used to get frustrated when she’d preach to me what her family thinks about my non-traditional career path. As a Questioner, I got frustrated because their opinions are illogical to me. But now, I know that my mom is influenced a lot more by the opinions of others because she’s an Upholder. To increase harmony, I simply accept her for her Upholder nature, and I comply with her expectations, even if it's illogical or inefficient at times, because she's important to me. Harmony is king. I can communicate logic later when we are both in a good mood. Example 2: Obliger Friends I have a few good friends who are Obligers. They are very easy to get along with, as expected. When my Obliger friends tell me about a goal they have, I try to hold them accountable for it and tell them I’ll follow up with them because I know they need outer accountability. I don’t get frustrated at them anymore if they talk about something they’ve wanted to do for a while but just haven’t started. I know it’s because they lacked outer accountability and not because they’re lazy. Example 3: Questioner Colleagues I have a few colleagues that I have to work with regularly who are Questioners. It’s so easy for me because I’m a Questioner too. I know they don’t mind my thorough justifications and focus on efficiency. One time, a Questioner was trying to fix the print view of a document. She wanted it to fit the full page, but she couldn’t figure out how. She bothered other colleagues (mostly Obligers), and they couldn’t figure it out either. She was stuck and bothering people for at least 30 minutes. They tried to tell her to just move on, but she wouldn’t listen. That’s because she’s a Questioner, and Questioners only respond to inner expectations. Eventually I noticed the situation and went to talk her. I said, “ Is the margins a problem? ” She said, “ Yes. It looks bad. ” I said, “ Will the client not accept this if the print version has big margins? ” She said no. I asked, “ Will the client even care if the print version has big margins. No they won’t. So you don’t need to waste any more of your time on this unimportant issue! ” She had an “Aha” moment and stopped worrying about it. As a Questioner, she needed to understand very clearly WHY she should stop worrying about this task. Example 4: Rebel Friends My Rebel friends are probably the most fun and interesting to be with because they’re very spontaneous and like to try new things. It’s also very hard to get them to commit to a plan. If I ask them, “ Do you want to go for dinner Saturday? ” I’m likely to get a response along the lines of, “ I’ll see how I feel Saturday night. ” To a Rebel, the question seems so restricting in terms of timing and what we’d do. I now know it’s better to be less specific and appeal to their identity. So I might ask, “ Do you wanna hang out this weekend? Maybe Saturday? We should do something fun! ” This way, they have choice in the timing and what we do. FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) 1. Is there a best Tendency? Isn’t Upholder the best? No. Each tendency has their own strengths and weaknesses. The happiest, wealthiest, and most productive people are those who built a life that leverages their strengths and figured out how to work around their weaknesses. 2. Can I change my Tendency? No. Besides, why would you even want to? No tendency is better than another. 3. Can I be multiple Tendencies at one? No. People fit squarely into one of the four tendencies. If you want to get into more detail, then technically, people fit into one of 8 primary-secondary combinations: Upholder-Questioner Upholder-Obliger Obliger-Upholder Obliger-Rebel Questioner-Upholder Questioner-Rebel Rebel-Obliger Rebel-Questioner Basically, you can lean towards a neighboring Tendency, but you cannot lean towards an opposite Tendency. Image Source For example, a Questioner-Upholder is more likely to meet outer expectations than a Questioner-Rebel. 4. Doesn’t everyone fit into every Tendency? Everyone responds to logic (not just Questioners). Everyone meets expectations if it’s important to someone we care about (not just Obligers and Upholders). Everyone desires freedom of choice (not just Rebels). But your tendency tells you your primary response driver to the question, “How do you respond to inner and outer expectations?” 5. Are there specific career choices that fit each Tendency best? Any Tendency can do well at any career. The most productive and innovative workplaces have all four Tendencies. If you are already in a certain career, figure out how you can use your Tendency to suit that career. That being said, there are certain career fields that may suit certain Tendencies. For example, fields that reward question asking, like in the academic field, might naturally suit Questioners. Fields like entrepreneurship, where you get lots of freedom and have to carve your own path, might naturally suit Rebels.

Image Source John wanted to hang a painting on his wall, and he invited his friend over to help. Just as they were about to put the nails in, the friend said,  “Hang on, I think it’s better if we put two boards of wood on the wall first, then put the nails in the wood, and then hang the painting.”   John respected his friend’s wish and looked for a board of wood. After he found one and brought it over, they started to position it on the wall. Suddenly, his friend said, “Hang on, his wooden board is too big. It’s best if we saw a bit off.”   Thus, they searched around for a saw. After finding the saw, they started to saw the wood. Not long after, the friend said, “This won’t do. The saw is too dull. We need to sharpen the saw with a file.”   So, they searched around the house for a file. They found one, but it lacked a handle. The friend then went outside to look for a small tree to cut to make a handle for the file.   As he was about to cut the tree with John’s ax, he noticed the ax was too rusty and dull. He then looked for a whetstone to sharpen the ax. When he found one, he realized the whetstone needed a wooden stand to stabilize it during the sharpening process.   Thus, he told John that he’s going to look for a carpenter because a carpenter should have a usable whetstone set.   After the friend left, John put two nails in the wall and hung up the painting.   Later that day, John saw his friend on the street, helping a carpenter carry a heavy electric saw. He said they are going to cut a tree to get some wood to make a wooden stand for the whetstone…   (Source: Harvard Family Education) Commentary While this fictional story may seem humorous, it serves as an important reminder. Firstly, do we know our priorities? Secondly, when we do things, do we overcomplicate things?   Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius once said, "Most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you'll have more time and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, is this necessary?"   Another lesson from this story is appropriateness, as in doing things to the appropriate degree. Don't overcomplicate things, but also don't underestimate things. How much effort and time we spend on a matter should be proportional to its importance and how much control we have over it.   Marcus Aurelius also said, "It is essential for you to remember that the attention you give to any action should be in due proportion to its worth."   Reflecting on myself, I'm teaching an intensive English camp these couple of months (which is one reason why my blog posts are much shorter recently), and I feel like my time is not enough. Aside from teaching, I also have to prepare lessons, do after-class tutoring, and do other work.   When I feel like time isn't enough, it's easy for my mind to become messy and anxious. When this happens, I stop myself and look at my to-do list. I make sure my list is ranked in proper order, and that the list isn't missing anything important.   When I do a task, I ask myself, " How can I simplify this? " For example, instead of making all the lesson materials myself, can I find existing resources online or from colleagues? Instead of writing the usual long-form blog posts, can I write short and simple ones?   Doing my morning and evening meditation are also very helpful to clear my mind, and I might remember important things or have creative ideas as a result.   I think Seneca said it well: “It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested."   Let's all be clear on our priorities and use our most valuable resource, time, effectively. Weekly Wisdom #334

When Einstein was 16 years old, he often skipped school and played with a group of troublemaker friends. As a result, he failed many classes. One weekend morning, Einstein was about to go fishing with his friends, but his father stopped him. His father calmly said to him, “Einstein, you’re out playing all day with your friends, and you’re failing school. Your mother and I are quite concerned for your future.”   Einstein replied, “What’s there to worry about? Jack and Robert are also failing school, and they’re still going fishing.”   His father looked at him with love and concern and said, “Son, you can’t think that way. Let me tell you a well-known fable from my hometown. I hope you’ll listen carefully." Image Source: Wix AI His father then told this fable: Two cats were playing on the roof of a house. One cat grabbed the other cat and they both accidentally fell into the chimney. When they crawled out, one cat’s face was covered in ashes, while the other cat’s face was clean. The clean cat saw the other cat’s face was all black, and he thought his face was the same, so he rushed to the river to clean himself. The dirty cat saw the other cat was clean, and he thought he was also clean, so he went on with his day and strutted along the street. Image Source: ChatGPT Einstein, no one can be your mirror, only you can be your mirror. If we take others to be our mirror, then perhaps a genius will think he’s a fool.” After hearing this story, Einstein felt ashamed, put down his fishing rod, and returned to his room. From then on, Einstein often reflected on himself and encouraged himself: “I don’t want to be like ordinary people. I can be extraordinary.” This is one reason why Einstein became the legend that he is. Commentary Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend most time with.” In other words, we should be very thoughtful and selective about who we spend our time with because we will inevitably get influenced by them. Einstein’s dad knew this, so he admonished his son to rethink his peer group. Although his dad said “no one can be your mirror” , we have to be careful about how to interpret this statement. The way I interpret it, it is not saying that the people we spend time with don’t reflect the type of person we are. On the contrary, the people we spend time with are a great indicator of the type of person we are. As the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” When Einstein was young, he spent most of his time with troublemakers, and so he also became a troublemaker. When he stopped spending time with them and started taking his studies seriously, his future changed. So I interpret Einstein’s dad’s message to be “Don’t assume you are the same as the people around you. You don’t have to follow the herd. You can be extraordinary, but you have to consciously choose to be.” And so it is the same with each and every one of us. If we don’t want to blindly follow the herd, then we have to be clear on what we want. If we thoughtfully choose to follow the herd on certain matters, that’s fine too. The point is that we should live our lives consciously rather than drifting along mindlessly. Another learning from this story is Einstein’s dad’s effective admonishment. When others don’t do what we want them to do, a lot of people will nag, complain, and criticize. The energy we give is the energy we’ll attract back , and those behaviors will attract defensiveness and opposition from the other person. If the other person has lower power than us, such as our children or subordinate, then they have no choice but to obey. However, they are accumulating resentment in their heart, and if that continues, eventually they will lash back in the future. If the other person has the same level of power as us, such as our spouse or colleague, then they will feel disrespected, and they will argue with us because they are unhappy at our disrespect towards them. In this type of argument, the matters never end. It seems like you’re going around in circles, never able to solve the problem straight on. Or new matters keep coming up before old matters are resolved. These are all signs that the deeper problem is a lack of respect. As soon as one person can respect the other person first, by apologizing and acknowledging your own faults, the conflict can be resolved. Effective admonishment requires us to truly care for the other person’s feelings, to not be demanding or controlling, and to not be impatient for them to change. Einstein’s dad was very considerate towards Einstein, and I would guess he knew that teenagers (and all people in general) don’t like to be nagged at or told that they are wrong. That’s why he thought of a story to deliver his advice, and the advice is full of respect and positive energy. Einstein was touched by his dad’s love for him, and so he was inspired to change. Conclusion Who are you using as your mirror? Are you choosing your mirrors (influences) thoughtfully? When advising or requesting others to change, are you doing it with sincere care, or are you mixing in annoyance, impatience, and blame? Weekly Wisdom #333

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND BLOG Who are you? I'm just a fellow student of life, trying to contribute something meaningful to the world. I'm a high school teacher by day and an amateur blogger in my free time. ​ Why did you start this blog? I'm passionate about learning, and I believe great things should be shared! I believe having wisdom is the key to happiness and success. Only when we have the right mindset and ideas, we will do the right actions and get good results. Hence, I started this blog to share wisdom that I've learned and practiced so that others might avoid the suffering I've experienced and gain joy and success. ​ Why do you use a picture of a smiling owl? Because owls represent wisdom, and when we use wisdom in life, we will gain joy. ​ What should I do on this blog? I suggest you either browse around or use the search bar for specific topics. You can also scroll down on the home page to see all the different tags (topics) on the blog. Click on any you that catch your interest to see articles on that topic. ​ You can also browse a category that interests you. I created 5 categories for the blog: Weekly Wisdoms are my weekly learning reports. My intention is to make sure I keep learning, but since these learnings are useful to others, I publish them on my blog. Top Picks are articles that I think deserve special mention. Book Summaries are long posts summarizing books that I think are worth sharing. Stories are short stories with lessons worth reflecting on and sharing. Health covers basic knowledge we could all use in terms of physical health and mental health. I also blog about Traditional Chinese Medicine. Ancient Wisdom is about timeless wisdom from ancient sages and philosophies, such as Stoicism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and Daoism. ​ How can I support you? You can simply read some articles and press the heart button if you found them useful 😃. Another way is to comment on my posts about what you found useful. ​ Can I request a topic for you to write about? Sure! I'd be happy to write about any topics that are useful to a large group of people. You can make a request by sending me a message on the Contact Page. About: About

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