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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in Canada, so in honour of that, this article is about gratitude. On a previous Thanksgiving, I wrote about five things  we can be grateful for in our daily lives, which are our parents , teachers, country, all workers in society, and Mother Nature. This year's article is going to be a bit more advanced. It's about elevating our gratitude.   Image Source: Unsplash A couple years ago, I saw this quote from Venerable Jing Kong: "Living in a world of gratitude: Be grateful to those who've hurt you because they strengthened your will. Be grateful to those who've lied to you because they increased your insight. Be grateful to those who've mistreated you because they eliminated your negative karma. Be grateful to those who've abandoned you because they taught you to become self-sufficient. Be grateful to those who've impeded you because they elevated your ability. Be grateful to those who've reprimanded you because they grew your emotional stability and wisdom. Be grateful to all those who've made you determined to succeed." This quote is from the book The Exemplary Role Modeling of Venerable Jing Kong , and in that book, one of his students said that Venerable Jing Kong wrote this quote after basically being stabbed in the back and treated really unjustly. This quote is a reflection of his attitude and moral cultivation: he was able to write those words because those things really happened to him, and that's how he truly feels about those people.   When I first read this quote, I thought to myself, "Woah there. OK. That's pretty intense. That is really advanced gratitude. If those things happened to me and people treated me like that, I'd definitely be upset and angry."  Although I really respected Venerable Jing Kong, I felt his level was way too high for me.   Later, I read this quote from Stoic philosopher Epictetus: "Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice."   It reminded me of Venerable Jing Kong. Despite encountering people who've mistreated him, impeded him, criticized him unfairly, lied to him, etc. He didn't get upset at them. Instead, he strengthened his virtues and elevated his ability and wisdom, which is why he is thankful to them. Isn't that what Epictetus means by being "invincible"?   Suddenly, I felt a desire to emulate Venerable Jing Kong. I want to be invincible like that too. But how can I achieve that goal? Both Stoicism and Buddhism teach us to focus on what we can control, which is ourselves, and let go of the rest, which is other people and our environment. If we demand others to be or not be a certain way, we will get upset and suffer. If we let go of demands towards others and instead demand ourselves to be adaptable, to make the best use of every situation, then we become "invincible" as Epictetus says. I can understand this in theory, but the hard part is the actual practice. It's kind of like learning a sport. I can understand the rules in theory, but when I actually go and practice it, I trip and fall and make lots of mistakes. But each time I fall, I have to get back up and keep practicing because I want the reward. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions, especially to anger. I want the feeling of freedom and serenity that comes with being my own master. I want the joy of having good relationships and wisdom. Thus, I've been cultivating my virtues these past few years. About a week ago, I was reading a lecture from Venerable Jing Kong, and he said, "Being indignant towards others is one of the most severe obstacles to enlightenment. The enlightened mind is the mind of equality [equal respect towards all]. Many people have asked me about this problem. My advice: you know how you prostrate [bow down] to the Buddha every day as an expression of respect? Think of the person whom you cannot stand the most. Put that person's picture or name on the table beside the Buddha figure, then prostrate to that person every day. The goal is to change your mentality from detest to respect…Do this until you do not get upset at the sight of that person, but instead feel respect, then you'll have succeeded. This will have tremendous benefits for you."   I thought to myself, "This totally echoes what Epictetus said about being invincible. Indeed, why should I let others make me feel upset? I alone am responsible for my feelings, so I need to master them. I am willing to try out this method. I don't really have anyone that I can't stand or detest, but there are certainly lots of people that have made me feel upset or annoyed. I can try prostrating to them every day and see if anything changes in me." My Practice Thus, every day this past week, I spent around five to ten minutes thinking about people who've made me upset or annoyed, and I prostrated to them one-by-one. (How to Prostrate. Image Source. ) (Note: If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image in our mind works too.) When I bow down, I also say thank you to them because gratitude helps to bring out feelings of respect towards them. This is also emulating the spirit of Venerable Jing Kong. Below are the things I've said during this process.   1: Impolite People Thank you to impolite people because you let me realize how strongly I demand others to have politeness. It is precisely this demand towards others that is the cause of my suffering, and I need to let go of this demand to attain serenity. At the same time, I should demand myself to be more understanding towards others. They might not have negative intentions. They probably think their behavior is normal. No one does things that they think are wrong or stupid. So I shouldn't get so upset and think that they are being rude on purpose. If I want others to improve, then I need to set a good example myself first.   2: People Who Don't Keep Their Word Thank you to those who didn't keep their word to me. For example, I was really upset at a past boss for going back on his word. I only accepted his contract based on the agreed on conditions, but he later changed his demands, and I unhappily complied. Looking back, I now see that I didn't need to get so upset. Getting that upset doesn't help the situation. Getting upset only makes me suffer and reduces my ability to find an effective solution. Why didn't I just remain calm and view the other person as a friend who'd be willing to help me if I communicate my situation and difficulties? That would have been much more effective than viewing them as an enemy.   The root of my anger is my demands towards others. I demand others to keep their word. But who actually keeps their word 100% of the time? Pretty much nobody, myself included. So don't be so demanding towards others! Being demanding towards yourself instead. Being more understanding towards others. That boss has his difficulties and considerations too. He is a rational human being with feelings, and if I communicate respectfully and sincerely, he would respond positively.   3: People Who Criticize Before Understanding Thank you to those who've criticized me without understanding me first. You helped me realize how much I absolutely hate being wrongfully criticized. It is precisely my desire to not be unfairly criticized by others, which is outside of my control, that brings me so much suffering. If I let go of this desire, and instead focus on having a peaceful conscience (which is in my control), then my emotional stability and serenity would leap to new levels.   After all, it's extremely common for people to jump to conclusions. I've done it too. So I shouldn't be so surprised or upset when others do it to me. Moreover, people have trouble understanding themselves. If they can't even understand themselves, how can they possibly understand me? Furthermore, most people have lots of worries and stress nowadays. Thus, when they encounter obstacles in life, they might over-react. If I get caught in their collateral damage (venting anger on me), I don't need to react so strongly. I can be more understanding towards their suffering and not blame them, but instead try to help ease their stress. Finally, if I want others to practice empathy and patiently try to understand me, I have to role model that to them first. Otherwise, they won't know how to do it, nor would they have the motivation to do it.   4: People With Sensitive Egos Thank you to those with a really sensitive ego who've criticized me for being arrogant. Thanks to you, I improved my sensitivity to others feelings. If it weren't for you, I would continue to unintentionally offend others and create enemies without even knowing it. I also learned the importance of humility, which has been very beneficial for my relationships and self-improvement. 5: People Who Delay My Time Thank you to those who've delayed my time because you taught me the importance of leaving cushion time and having backup plans. In our current society, it's common for people to be late to meetings, to go overtime in meetings, or to talk in a long-winded manner. I should know this and plan accordingly rather than get annoyed. The root of my annoyance is my demand, not their actual behavior. I am not able to be punctual all the time either, so I certainly shouldn't demand it from others. Results Over the past week, I've had noticeable results. But since I've been cultivating my virtues and character for a few years now, I can't say these results are solely from the practice of bowing down to those people that have upset me, but I can say that this practice made me feel more respect to those people, and now when I encounter those types of people, I am more conscious of my goal to not be influenced by them.   Example 1: Rude Drivers One time I was jogging in my neighbourhood, and as I was crossing a street, a car rushed to turn into that street right in front of me. According to traffic laws, that driver should have waited for me to finish crossing the street, but he didn't. Another time, I was driving on the main road, and a driver on a side road turned into my lane when he should have waited for me to pass first, causing me to have to hit my brakes.   In the past, I would've criticized those drivers for being rude and dangerous. But this time, I told myself,  "I literally just bowed down to impolite people this morning to express my gratitude. I'm not going to let others' bad behavior take away my peace of mind. What others do is their matter. How I feel is my matter. I'm just going to assume they had an emergency and were really in a rush."   Example 2: Unfair Criticism Another time, I was wrongfully criticized in class by a teacher. While I was listening to the teacher, I actually felt a bit confused because what he said wasn't true. But I thought to myself, "Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe what he said is true. I'll just accept his criticism right now and then check after class. I'm not going to explain myself immediately because I don't want to discourage him from giving me advice in the future." Interestingly, after my teacher finished criticizing, my classmate stood up for me and said I didn't make that mistake, that the teacher must have misunderstood. But even if my classmate didn't stand up for me, I wouldn't have felt unhappy.   Just yesterday, I felt unfairly criticized by my mom. Basically, she agreed to go to a new restaurant with my grandpa and I for a Thanksgiving meal. My mom is really sensitive to MSG and gets very thirsty if the restaurant's food has MSG. I knew we were taking a risk, but my grandpa wanted to try this new restaurant, and my mom agreed, so I felt like she wouldn't complain if she gets thirsty. What happened? Afterwards, she indeed got really thirsty, and she complained about me and my grandpa for always wanting her to accompany them to new restaurants.   In the past, I would've complained back and said, "But you agreed to this beforehand! It's not fair that you blame us afterwards."   But that time, I told myself, " She is complaining because she is suffering from the discomfort of being really thirsty and having to drink so much water nonstop. I shouldn't demand others to be understanding and reasonable towards me, let alone someone who is suffering from discomfort. If I argue back, then I'm just adding fuel to her fire. When she complains and criticizes unfairly, she is the one in need of care and understanding."   Thus, I said to her, "I'm sorry. We didn't mean to pressure you, and we certainly don't want to make you so thirsty afterwards. Although we didn't intend it, it happened, and for that, I'm sorry."   She immediately softened up and replied, "Never mind. It's also my fault for eating so much of it. It was really tasty, but I should be more careful to not eat so much if I am worried about getting thirsty afterwards."   Example 3: Not Abiding By Time Agreements One day I had an evening class that should be from 9PM to 10PM. That day, a classmate was presenting, and afterwards, everyone gave the presenter feedback. This classmate should have finished his presentation by 9:30, but he didn't finish until 9:45. Then people started giving feedback. Most people were conscious of the time and gave short feedback, but one classmate was really long-winded. He also raised his hand multiple times to add more to what he said in the past. The presenter also didn't seem to care about going overtime, and he kept letting everyone share their thoughts despite the class time already being over. We didn't finish class until 10:20.   In the past, I would've gotten annoyed because I was tired and wanted to sleep. But I endured my sleepiness and tried to be understanding. My classmates are all in Asia, and they are having an interesting discussion, so going overtime feels worth it to them. When I understood this, I felt happy for their enjoyable discussion together rather than demanding them to abide by time agreements. I also had a few calls with different friends this past week, and two of them were late. When I messaged them at the pre-agreed upon time, they didn't reply. At this point, I told myself, "It's common for people to be busy and lose track of time. People also don't learn about etiquette nowadays, so I shouldn't expect them to message me beforehand that they might be late or apologize for being late."   When one friend replied me, she indeed did not apologize for being late. But I didn't get annoyed or blame her in my mind. The other friend actually asked me if I could call one hour later because something came up at the last minute. Again, I told myself to not get annoyed by other people's behavior because only I am in charge of my feelings. Besides, she doesn't want to delay me either, but no one can control random emergencies. I told her yes. An hour later, I decided to wait for her to message me first. She didn't message me for another 15 minutes. The whole time, I remained calm and just did other work while waiting.   Conclusion We all want to have stable emotions and happiness in life. Getting upset at others is one of the biggest obstacles to this goal. We have to realize that what others do is their matter, but how we feel is our matter. We ought to stop blaming others and outside circumstances for making us feel unhappy. Instead, we need to take responsibility for our feelings and seek to master them. This power is in our hands.   A great way to do this is to view those people whom we dislike as teachers. How so? Because they help us to see our demands towards others and the world, and it is precisely those demands within us that make us unhappy. Once we see those demands and how unreasonable or unpractical they are, we can practice letting go. Bowing down or prostrating to those people is one way to cure our feelings of anger or annoyance towards others (this article features other ways). By bowing down to them, we are showing our respect and gratitude, and this action repeated over time will help us to truly feel that way towards them. If this action feels too strange for you, then simply speaking words of appreciation and respect to their image (in real life or in our mind) or name works too.   With time and practice, we too can feel like we're living in a world of gratitude, and we'll naturally let go of demands towards the people whom we used to get upset at. When this happens, we'll feel a sense of liberation, like a rope has been untied from our mind, or a weight has been lifted from our heart. We'll attain a serene, stable feeling of ease and happiness, and we won't get upset so easily at similar situations in the future. Is this not a goal worth striving for? Weekly Wisdom #311

I've been a follower of happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin for many years, and her teachings on habit change  and personality have been very impactful on me. She really practices her teachings, and recently, she and her husband Jamie had their 30th wedding anniversary. In honor of this special occasion, she shared 30 reflections on her marriage. We all want to have happy relationships, so we should learn from successful people like her. Hence, I tried to analyze these 30 reflections to see if there's a pattern to them. The result? Yes! And it totally accords with all the ancient philosophical teachings I've been learning.   To quote her article : "Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself: I should go to bed angry. Don’t expect Jamie to do anything like a “happiness project.” That’s not his style, and that’s fine. Don’t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early. Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie’s love language is “Physical Touch.” Face the fact that he’s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he’s like this with everyone, it’s not just me. Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life—the day when Jamie was declared “cured” of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old. Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it’s not his fault. Remember that time when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we’d been married for more than a decade and had two children. When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn’t do, make the positive argument–usually, it holds. “Jamie never helps us get ready for travel” “Jamie always helps us get ready for travel.” Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening. Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely. Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking. Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners who doesn’t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony. Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye. Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news. Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise. Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him. Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters. Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store. Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects. Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn’t “cc” me on an email or fails to give me important information—e.g., he’s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That’s the guy I married! Nobody’s perfect. When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, “Let’s gaze lovingly,” and we’d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It’s a beautiful memory. He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring. Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents. Remember that even when he doesn’t respond to some remark I’ve made, he’s listening; he’ll often act on something I’ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t replying.) Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me. Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he’s stuck doing all the driving. Jamie’s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier. In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don’t worry me, and he’s not anxious about things that make me anxious—so we’re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!) As a Questioner, Jamie won’t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is."   Before I share my analysis, why don't you take a moment to analyze and categorize these observations? After all, there isn't one correct answer, and doing your own analysis might lead to your own eureka moments. My Analysis From these 30 reflections, I summarized four main principles for good relationships. In order of frequency, they are Focus on others' good points and contributions: #3, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 22, 23, 24, 27, 28, 29 (12 instances; 40%). Understand, tolerate, and respect other people's differences: #2, 5, 13, 21, 25, 26, 30 (7 instances; 23%). Focus on your own faults, not theirs: #7, 9, 11, 12 (4 instances; 13%). Focus on giving more: #4, 10, 14, 15 (4 instances; 13%).   These four principles all align with ancient philosophical relationship advice. For example, Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." Similarly, The Analects of Confucius  said, "The Way of Confucius is simply devotion and reciprocity." (Original text: 夫子之道, 忠恕而已矣. Translation: Self.)   Devotion is about giving one's best and being strict with oneself, while reciprocity is treating others the way we'd want to be treated, such as with appreciation, understanding, and respect.   Also, out of these 30 reflections, one of them is arguably the MOST important. Do you know which one I'm thinking of? I'll talk it about it a bit later.   While the above four principles may look like separate things, they are actually an interconnected whole. The common thread between them, the root of these four things, is…our attitude. We can divide attitude into two aspects: towards ourselves and towards others. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 1: Attitude Towards Ourselves Towards ourselves, we should be strict and demanding. We should focus on our own faults and demand ourselves to improve, not them. We should ask ourselves to give more to the other person, not the other way around. After all, nobody likes people who always demand us to change when they themselves also have faults and aren't working to change them. On the other hand, if others are working hard to fix their faults, yet they don't demand us, we'd naturally feel like we should work on ourselves too.   This doesn't mean we don't ask others to improve on their faults. Rather, it just means that we don't complain and criticize about their faults. If we ask them to change, we do so respectfully and with their best intentions in mind. If they don't respond positively to our request, then we need to reflect on ourselves: Have I role modelled that good behavior? Or do I have the same fault? Have I fully understood their point of view and why they do what they do? If so, I shouldn't have any annoyance. Have I shown them how to do it? Do I ask them in a respectful manner? Or in an annoyed, demanding manner? Am I patient with them? Or do I demand big results immediately?   2: Attitude Towards Others Towards others, we should focus on Noticing, remembering, and being grateful for their contributions Noticing and appreciating their good points Understanding, tolerating, and respecting their differences   Gratitude towards the other person is arguably the most important ingredient to a long-lasting happy relationship, so it's extremely important that we strengthen our gratitude muscle by noticing and remembering other people's contributions and good points.   Nobody is perfect, and everyone will do things that annoy or upset us sooner or later. If we focus on others' faults, we'll bring negative energy to the relationship, and that will bring out defensiveness and opposition from the other person. But if we focus on their contributions, on what they've given and sacrificed for us, on how much they care about us, we'll feel gratitude towards them, and we'd naturally bring positive energy to the relationship and want to give back to them. That would attract positive energy back from them. Moreover, we'd be willing to tolerate their bad habits and differences because those are outweighed by their contributions.   We should also strengthen our ability to notice their good points. When we do notice them, we'll naturally appreciate and respect them more, and we'd be more willing to tolerate their faults. As Rubin explains, everyone has different personalities, and each personality comes with its own sets of strengths and weaknesses. So when we get annoyed by one of their weaknesses, we ought to remind ourselves of those accompanying strengths that we appreciate.   3: The Most Important Observation Out of Rubin's 30 observations, the one that I'd argue to be most important is… #24: "Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents."   Why? Because Confucius taught that filial piety (being loving and respectful towards parents) is the root of all virtues. In the Classic of Filial Piety , Confucius said, "To not love one’s parents yet love others violates morality. To not respect one's parents yet respect others violates propriety." (Original text: 不愛其親而愛他人者謂之悖德，不敬其親而敬他人者謂之悖禮. Translation: Self.)   If a person cannot be loving and respectful towards one's own parents, whom they should be most grateful towards, then how can they be truly loving and respectful towards other people (who have given them less)? Moreover, someone who is very filial towards their own parents would naturally be filial towards their parents-in-law, resulting in a harmonious relationship with them.   Most people try to put on a good image in front of others because if others have a bad impression of us, they won't treat us as well. But our parents know us from birth, and regardless of our bad habits, they still love us. Hence, most people don't feel the need to put on a good image in front of parents, so we are our true selves towards them. So if we want to gauge a person's moral character, a great way is to observe how they treat their parents.   Like attracts like, so if we are struggling to find a filial partner, that might be because we ourselves are lacking filial piety. Even if we do find a filial person, if we ourselves are not very filial, they probably won't be attracted to us. Thus, it's extremely important that we role model the type of person we want to attract.   Conclusion One of my favorite quotes from Rubin is this one: "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships."   I really admire her for not only sharing teachings on happiness and relationships, but also walking the talk. Congratulations Rubin on such a wonderful milestone, and thank you for your teachings and role modeling! Weekly Wisdom #310

Previously, I wrote an article about wise principles for great decisions , the first of which is this quote from Liao Fan's Four Lessons : "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."   Recently, I had some experiences that gave me a deeper understanding into the third part, "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."  To paraphrase this principle, I would say, "Do not just look at matters from just your own perspective. Look at matters from every implicated person's perspective."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Why is this wise? Because if we accidently neglect someone's perspective, we might accidently hurt their feelings or trouble them. As a result, they will be unhappy towards us and even seek to get even with us in the future. On the other hand, if we are always sensitive to every person's needs, they will be touched by our kindness, and they will naturally want to support and help us. Such is karma. Below are some examples.   Example 1: Seeing Off Guests One time, the top leader in our organization came to visit. Everyone really admires this leader and looked forward to his visit for a long time. When the leader left, everyone went to the basement parking lot to see off the leader. In the car, there was the driver and a mid-level manager accompanying the leader. The leader and the driver entered the car on the left side, while the manager entered on the right. I noticed that almost everyone was standing on the right side waving goodbye to the leader. On the left side was only one person: my mentor. He was waving goodbye to the mid-level manager on the left side. I quickly walked over and accompanied him on the right side.   From that incident, I gained a lot of admiration for my mentor. He doesn't just preach philosophy, he really role models it. He didn't want anyone to feel left out, neglected, or unappreciated. Most people only thought of things from their own perspective: "My top leader, whom I admire and respect very much, is leaving, so of course I need to wave goodbye to him."  There isn't anything wrong with this intention per se, but it can be elevated and broadened.   My mentor was probably thinking, "Wow, if I were the manager on the right side, I'd feel pretty neglected. And if I were the top leader, I'd feel a bit sorry and awkward that all my staff members neglected him."   I'm sure my mentor's actions would let that manager feel quite touched and let the top leader feel gratified. He already sowed good karmic seeds, and when the conditions are ripe in the future, those people will repay his kindness.   Example 2: Skit Rehearsal Another time, my classmates and I were practicing a skit for the closing ceremony of our one-month long workshop. It was already late at night, and many of us were tired. When my mentor walked into the room, he noticed that some people were rehearsing, while a few others were just sitting around.   He asked the skit director, "Do you still need everyone here to rehearse?"   The director said, "I still need most people, but Bob is done."   My mentor asked Bob, "How long have you been sitting there?"   Bob said, "Maybe 20 minutes."   My mentor said to the director, "If Bob is done, then you should've let Bob go rest a long time ago. It's already late at night, and we all need enough rest so that we're not tired in class. Everyone, but especially the director, should be paying attention to every person's needs. If you are inconsiderate towards others, others will be inconsiderate to you too. If you don't respect other people's time, other people won't respect your time either. We learned about philosophy in class, but that's just knowledge. We need to practice it in our daily matters."   After hearing my mentor's words, I realized that I'm still too used to just thinking about things from my own perspective, and I haven't cultivated the habit of empathy enough yet.   Example 3: Advising A Senior Colleague My mentor leads a group of students to study ancient Chinese philosophy, and we discuss how to apply these teachings into our lives to have harmonious relationships, especially in the family. Currently, there are three main teachers (including me), and it's very important for teachers to be good role models for other students. Recently, another, more senior teacher wrote a report to my mentor detailing some of his family troubles and asked for advice. My mentor told him to ask me first.   I was actually quite shocked because I know this teacher has a sensitive ego, and he might not be willing to accept advice from a more junior colleague like me. I thought about why my mentor would do this, and I think it's because he suddenly got called to go on a business trip, so he is really, really busy, and perhaps he wants that teacher to chat with me first in the meantime, and if we still have further questions, we can ask him.   Another reason is perhaps because this colleague's family troubles have been ongoing for a while, and my mentor has already given advice multiple times in the past, but that colleague hasn't practiced them enough. Since I am aware of all of this, I do have some credentials to offer advice. My mentor knows that any advice I give would be aligned with my mentor's teachings, so perhaps if this senior teacher sees a more junior teacher giving him advice that he already knows but hasn't practiced enough, he might feel embarrassed and have more motivation to correct his faults.   So although I didn't really want to give this senior teacher advice at first, after I thought of things from my mentor's perspective, I decided to try my best. I also thought of things from my colleague's perspective, and I know I need to be very humble and respectful in my advice giving.   After I wrote my reply, I asked my mentor to check it before I send it. After all, I don't want to accidentally say something incorrect or impolite, but we all have our blind spots, so it's very important to get a capable person to check our work. My mentor said, "It's great. You can send it to him. And if he is willing, he can send it to our study group chat."   When I heard this, I felt a bit uneasy. I put myself in my senior colleague's shoes: "It's already a bit embarrassing that this junior colleague is giving me advice. Now I have to let others know?"   But I also tried to think of things from my mentor's perspective. Then I remembered that in our study group, there are some students with similar struggles as this senior teacher, so some of the advice in my reply would indeed be helpful. Moreover, this advice is not targeted directly at those other students, so their ego won't be hurt. I then thought about whether there's a way to help those classmates without hurting this senior teacher's ego.   I asked my mentor, "If I ask him to share this advice in our group chat, can I anonymize myself in the reply? This way, people don't think that this junior teacher is better than that senior teacher. I really don't think I am better. I have similar problems too. It's easy to give advice. Actually doing it is much much harder."   Before I sent that message, I contemplated that perhaps I am being overly cautious. But I still felt that it's better to be cautious and ask rather than risk unintentionally creating resentment. Moreover, in my reply letter, I literally quoted Liao Fan's Four Lessons  about " don't let your goodness make others look bad ", so I need to practice what I preach!   My mentor took a couple days to reply, perhaps because he's really busy on his business trip, and maybe because he was thinking carefully about my question too. Then he replied, "It's fine. No need to anonymize."   My mentor always teaches us to learn not just what sages do, but why they do it. Since my mentor didn't explain his reasoning, I have to take initiative to ask. I then messaged him, "I thought about why you decided that there's no need to anonymize. Is it because if I anonymize my name, other people would wonder who wrote it? And it's quite obvious that  I wrote it because only I would write such long replies, and the Chinese grammar is a bit like a foreigner's grammar. So it's a bit pointless to anonymize my name. Furthermore, people might think, 'Why did they anonymize his name? Is it because this senior teacher's ego is too sensitive?'  If others think that, it would be harmful to the senior teacher. Even if he is a bit uncomfortable with it, it's a good chance for him to practice humility, and it shows that we believe he is a humble person. Moreover, sharing this report with other classmates can give him more motivation to correct his faults. I wonder if my understanding is accurate?"   My mentor replied a thumbs up to me. From this whole experience, I gained a deeper understanding of "do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole."  If I just think from the perspective of myself and the senior teacher, I would anonymize my name. But my mentor also thought about everyone in the entire study group.   My mentor also thought deeper about my senior colleague's feelings than I did. By anonymizing my name, not only is it ineffective, but I am also indirectly telling the senior colleague that I believe he has a big ego. By not anonymizing my name, I am communicating that I think he is a humble person who is willing to share useful advice with those who need it. Philosophical teachings sound simple when we hear them, but actually using them can turn out to be much more nuanced than we initially thought.   Concluding Thoughts When you are with others, are you living in your own world and thinking just from your own perspective? Or do we practice empathy and think what they might be thinking? When dealing with problems and matters, do we just think from our own perspective? Or just a few people's perspectives? Or the perspectives of every implicated person? When thinking from other people's perspectives, do we do so in a quick and shallow way? Or do we patiently ponder and think deeply? Weekly Wisdom #308

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND BLOG Who are you? I'm just a fellow student of life, trying to contribute something meaningful to the world. I'm a high school teacher by day and an amateur blogger in my free time. ​ Why did you start this blog? I'm passionate about learning, and I believe great things should be shared! I believe having wisdom is the key to happiness and success. Only when we have the right mindset and ideas, we will do the right actions and get good results. Hence, I started this blog to share wisdom that I've learned and practiced so that others might avoid the suffering I've experienced and gain joy and success. ​ Why do you use a picture of a smiling owl? Because owls represent wisdom, and when we use wisdom in life, we will gain joy. ​ What should I do on this blog? I suggest you either browse around or use the search bar for specific topics. You can also scroll down on the home page to see all the different tags (topics) on the blog. Click on any you that catch your interest to see articles on that topic. ​ You can also browse a category that interests you. I created 5 categories for the blog: Weekly Wisdoms are my weekly learning reports. My intention is to make sure I keep learning, but since these learnings are useful to others, I publish them on my blog. Top Picks are articles that I think deserve special mention. Book Summaries are long posts summarizing books that I think are worth sharing. Stories are short stories with lessons worth reflecting on and sharing. Health covers basic knowledge we could all use in terms of physical health and mental health. I also blog about Traditional Chinese Medicine. Ancient Wisdom is about timeless wisdom from ancient sages and philosophies, such as Stoicism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and Daoism. ​ How can I support you? You can simply read some articles and press the heart button if you found them useful 😃. Another way is to comment on my posts about what you found useful. ​ Can I request a topic for you to write about? Sure! I'd be happy to write about any topics that are useful to a large group of people. You can make a request by sending me a message on the Contact Page. About: About

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