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Once he cleansed away the hatred and resentment in his heart towards his mother, his relationship with When his relationship with his mother improved, all his other relationships, such as with his wife, children Thus, happy relationships start with the relationship with our parents. Once I recovered trust and understanding with my mother, our relationship became much more harmonious This will then spill over to all our other relationships.

Source: Harvard Family Instruction, Chapter 1) Commentary This story reminds me of a principle for good relationships

This isn't just useful for marriage, but for all relationships. This, of course, will harm the relationship. Some people say, "They were so caring and loving at the beginning of our relationship.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships Thus, if we want happy relationships and a happy life, cultivating compassion is key, and we can do so

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas. This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words." The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?" The MC said, "Sure," and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?" She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…" I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place. After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything. After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?" The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more." At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC." After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added, "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?" The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it." She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability." Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light. This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful." Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!" She said, "No it was mediocre." I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result." She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre." At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience." Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?

My Chinese philosophy teacher shared a memorable story: "One time, I was doing a talk about relationships and marriage, and I said that the key to a harmonious relationship is to only see your partner's good If we want to have happy relationships, we should dissolve negative impressions by applying the lenses

Are you really educated if you aren't even able to have good relationships?

Recently, I was talking to my mentor about some conflicts I had with people. Essentially, they think I'm wrong, and I think they're wrong. Being the wise person that he is, my mentor didn't side with anybody. Instead, he said, "Faults are like poop. When it's your own, you don't care. But when you see other people's, you're absolutely appalled. Isn't that hypocritical?" Icon Sources: 1, 2 I understood his analogy and stopped complaining. Indeed, instead of arguing who's right, the conflict would be easily dissolved if I simply tolerated the other person's faults. After all, we all have faults and bad habits. If we could tolerate others' faults the same way we tolerate our own faults, then there'd be no conflict! This isn't to say that their behavior doesn't need improvement, but I should focus on improving myself first because that's in my control, and only when I improve myself do I have the right to ask others to improve. Moreover, using a blaming attitude towards others just makes things worse. If we can tolerate and accept them for where they're at, then we can approach them with patience, tolerance, and encouragement. As I reflected on this analogy more, I found other similarities between faults and poop. For example, some people have very negative and critical self-talk. If a person talks to oneself harshly, then she will probably talk to others harshly as well. I certainly have had this experience, and I've had to work on my self-talk to become more positive, loving, and respectful. We can remember the poop analogy again. No one scolds themselves saying, "What's wrong with you! You pooped again!" or "You're such a horrible person for needing to poop every single day!" or "Wow, your poop is so stinky. You're such a failure." Similarly, we shouldn't scold ourselves every time we make a mistake. We should encourage ourselves the way we would encourage a little kid learning to walk: with a loving tone and strong belief. We can tell ourselves, "Making mistakes is a normal part of being human and a natural part of the learning process. The important thing is that I learn from my mistakes. I should judge myself based on my ability to correct my mistakes quickly as opposed to not making mistakes. I can definitely do better next time!" Another way faults are like poop is that we shouldn't hold on to them. If we have lots of faults, others will avoid us as if we smell like poop. If we keep holding on to our poop, it will hurt us. Similarly, if we don't eliminate our faults, whether it be anger, laziness, arrogance, or carelessness, those faults will keep hurting us. Unfortunately, a lot of us have gotten used to "fault constipation", so eliminating mistakes doesn't come as naturally to us as eliminating poop; it's something we have to consciously work on. To continue this analogy even further, both faults and poop ought to be studied. Studying our poop gives us clues about our digestion, which is why doctors ask us about our poop! Similarly, our faults and mistakes give us clues about our mental and emotional health because all mistakes stem from the mind. If we can study our faults and mistakes and correct them, then we will become better people. An important principle in medicine is to treat the root cause as opposed to the symptom. For example, if a person has constipation, eating laxatives is treating the symptom. As soon as you stop eating those pills, the constipation returns. Oftentimes, the root is in the person's diet. Perhaps if the person ate more fiber in their daily diet, the constipation might go away. That's thinking in terms of the root as opposed to the symptoms. The same is true for studying our faults. The bad action we do is the symptom, but the root of the problem is in our mind and deep inner beliefs. For example, I have a bad habit of complaining. The act of complaining is the surface-level result, but the cause is in my mind. My mind is too entitled and arrogant; I believe that everyone should think like me. Hence, I can fix the root by changing my thoughts. Instead of telling myself, "What! This person is so unreasonable!" I change my thoughts to, "No one tries to be stupid or bad on purpose. Everyone is doing what they think is right, or they are acting out of habit. Either case, I shouldn't be judgmental towards them because I am the same." This is just one example of getting to the root of a fault. Everyone has different faults and bad habits, and we all need to find the root of our problems. After we figure out the root problem, we'll have to undergo a period of training to unlearn an old thinking pattern and learn a new thinking pattern. I previously wrote about my 21-Day No Complaint Challenge, which was a great kickstart to my training. But even now, I still catch myself complaining, so we need to persist for a long time to change an old habit. Even though it's hard work, it's certainly better than being full of poop/faults! These are just some of my realizations from the fault-poop analogy. The next time you get annoyed at somebody's fault or problem, try to treat them the same way you would treat yourself when you see your own poop. And of course, we all need to work on eliminating our poop and faults! Weekly Wisdom #252

remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships

It is rude and damages relationships. Examples of hurtful criticism: "What's wrong with you! How many times we try again depends on the relationship. But if the relationship is not that close, such as with friends or colleagues, then we could try three Depending on the relationship, we may need to admonish many times. The art of criticism is deep and complex, but if we can do it well, our relationships will be much better

This helps to build a good relationship between them.

Did you know that gratitude improves our happiness, relationships, immunity, sleep quality, and stress When we apply philosophy properly, we gain happiness, peace of mind, harmonious relationships, productivity When we make good decisions, we gain happiness, harmonious relationships, and success.