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211 items found for "relationships"

  • Holy Water For Anger

    They felt terrible after arguments, and they much rather preferred to have a harmonious relationship,

  • Controlling others…We all do it, and we need to stop.

    Instead, having quality relationships is the single greatest driver of our happiness and health. Since quality relationships is a key driver of happiness, trying to control others (whether unconscious

  • To Help Or Not To Help

    talking about how when he was studying for a big test, his friends would come and talk to him about their relationship

  • Three Traits of Effective Leaders

    case of the ambitious boss and the family-oriented employee, the boss should first develop a strong relationship your partner because he understands you very well, and he shows great effort in contributing to the relationship So despite your partner already setting a good example and showing genuine care in the relationship, Then she’ll reflect on if she built a strong relationship with the child. He will also build a strong relationship with each person so that they trust that their leader has their

  • The Under-Appreciated Heroes

    Icon Sources: 1, 2 A young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview and now he was about to meet the director for his final interview. The director discovered from his resume that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" The young man answered "No". "Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" "My father passed away when I was one year old. It was my mother who paid for my school fees." he replied. "Where did your mother work?" The young man said, "My mother worked as a clothes cleaner." The director asked the job applicant to show him his hands. The applicant showed that his hands were smooth and perfect. So the director asked, "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes?" "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me." said the young man. The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning." The young man felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son. Image provided by pvproductions on Freepik The young man cleaned his mother's hands slowly, with tears dripping down his face. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled and so covered in bruises. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched them. This was the first time the young man realized that it was this pair of hands that washed clothes every day to pay for his education. After cleaning his mother's hands, the young man quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, the mother and son talked for a very long time. The next morning, the young and eager job applicant went to the director's office. The director noticed the tears in the applicant's eyes when he asked, "Can you tell me what you learned at your house yesterday?" The young man answered, "I cleaned my mother's hands and I finished cleaning all the remaining clothes. I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, I not only realized how difficult it is to get something done on your own, but I also have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping other people." The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired!" (Story Source) Commentary Gratitude is not just a nice-to-have feeling. It's a must-have for a purposeful and fulfilling life. We all have parents, and chances are, we could be doing more to repay their gratitude. Our parents may not have worn out hands like the mother in the story, but they've certainly gone through their fair share of hardship in raising us. Just like the young man in the story, many of us are oblivious to so much of our parents' contributions and sacrifices for us. Here are some examples to ponder: Mother carrying us around in her tummy for 9 months and having to endure a lot of discomfort, yet still looking forward to the day we are born. Mother enduring the pain of childbirth, and then right after, her first thought is, "Is my child healthy?" Parents tending to us 24/7 when we were infants, using their hearts to feel our needs whenever we cried, feeding us and changing our diapers. Despite being exhausted, they did this with love in their hearts. Parents dedicating so much thought, energy, money, and planning for our lives. Parents sacrificing their freedom and sleep for us. Parents being so happy to see us grow and mature. Parents always wanting the best for us and giving us the best they can give. When we reflect on how much our parents gave to us, we should feel a sense of gratitude and warmth, and then we naturally feel the desire to repay gratitude. It's kind of like if a friend gives us a gift, we'd be happy and naturally feel compelled to give them a gift in return. Repaying favor is a natural human sentiment. When we focus on our parents' gratitude, we will naturally want to repay gratitude. There are four broad ways to so: Nurture parents' physical health: make sure their body is healthy Nurture parents' emotional health: ease their worries and give them happiness Nurture parents' aspirations: fulfill their wishes and ambitions for us Nurture parents' wisdom: helping parents to grow as a person When we repay gratitude, we are making our parents healthier and happier. When we see our loved ones healthy and happy, we will be happy too. Confucius said, "When taught filial piety, people will respect all parents in the world. When taught siblinghood, people will respect all siblings in the world." (Original Text: 教以孝,所以敬天下之為人父者也。教以悌,所以敬天下之為人兄者也。) Note: Filial piety means having a heart of love, respect, and gratitude towards parents. Siblinghood is the same but towards siblings. When we can feel the care and gratitude of our family, it's easy to extend that feeling to other people outside the family. If you think about it, society is kind of like a big family. At school, our teachers are similar to our parents, and our classmates are similar to our siblings. At work, our leaders are similar to our parents, and our colleagues are similar to our siblings. Our leaders take care of us, and we repay gratitude by being harmonious with colleagues, easing our leaders' worries, and working towards their aspirations. In order to teach filial piety, parents ideally would to role model respect and gratitude towards grandparents. The family should frequently do nice things for the grandparents. After all, children don't do what you tell them to do, children copy your actions. It's also important to not spoil children and make them think they are the king or queen of the world. The father can tell the children about how much the mother contributes and how hard the mother works, and urge the children to be filial to mom. The mom can do the same for dad. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Even if our parents didn't role model filial piety for us, we shouldn't blame them because chances are, no one role modeled it for them, and no one taught them either. They still tried their best for us, and now we need to try our best for them. That means starting with us, we set a good role model for them and for the future generations. Conclusion Gratitude is not a nice-to-have, it's a must have for a purposeful, meaningful, and productive life. It also helps us to persevere through hardship. The best place to start digging our inner fountain of gratitude is towards the under-appreciated heroes in our lives. Weekly Wisdom #258

  • Philosophy Sessions Between Parents and Children

    Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, some parents asked questions related to difficult situations with their children. Although I am not a parent myself, I do teach young children, and I certainly encounter similar situations.  Moreover, I know there are many parents out there who might face similar struggles, so I am writing this article to share some wisdom related to educating children.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Even if you are not a parent or do not teach children, you probably have people complain to you about their problems. The principles for helping others resolve their problems are the same, so the content in this article should still be useful for you.   Situation 1: Cheating On A Test A parent asked, “One, my son’s classmate from another class messaged him the test paper for next week. I saw this message on his phone and that he already downloaded this file, meaning he already looked at it. I was worried that my son thinks cheating is fine, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt first and asked him why he looked at that test paper file.   He said to me, ‘Oh I’m just curious what kinds of questions might be on the test. If there are any questions I don’t understand, I can prepare more beforehand.’   I said, ‘OK. But it’s important to know that cheating is wrong.’   The next day in class, that teacher actually showed the students the same test paper and told them to study it for the test next week. The week after, the real test was exactly that test paper. I’m quite baffled at how even the teacher promotes unethical behavior! What can I even do?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? Of course, there isn’t one correct answer, so I’ll give my thoughts and my teacher’s reply just for consideration. I thought to myself, I would first affirm the child for taking his studies seriously; after all, everyone needs more encouragement nowadays. Then I would talk to him about the importance of ethics and that if we try to obtain results in an unethical way, it would result in a guilty conscience that haunts us in the future. This long-term mental suffering is not worth the short-term material gain.   My teacher replied, “This is a great educational opportunity. You can help your son develop his ethical discernment and ability to think about situations more holistically. For example, you can discuss with him why the teacher might do this kind of unethical behavior. Perhaps it’s because the teacher faces pressure from the school or parents to have students get grades; Otherwise, she’ll receive a bad performance review. You can ask your son, do you think the teacher knows that her behavior is unethical? If yes, then don’t you think this teacher is struggling to get by? The teacher has a tough situation, so we can try to be more understanding towards her rather than judgmental. We can also discuss from the perspective of classmates. If only a few students see the test paper in advance, do you think that’s fair? Do you think other classmates would be upset at you for cheating? If you cheat to get a high grade, can you feel proud of yourself? Is it really worth it then? We also need to show empathy to the kid. We can tell him that we understand his difficulty. If everyone else looks at the test paper and cheats to get a high score, but he doesn’t cheat and then gets a low score, he’ll feel very bad and stupid. We can even say, ‘If I were you, I would want to cheat too.’ When he feels understood, he’ll be more open to our advice. Then we can tell him ‘We have to restrain ourselves from doing what we know is wrong. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you’ll be glad you did it after the test because you’ll have a clear conscience. Unlike the students who cheated, you can look people in the eye and say ‘I’ve never cheated on a test!’ How awesome would that feel? I care much more about your moral character than your grades, and our happiness in life also depends on our character, not our grades. You can do it. I believe I you.’” Situation 2: Conflict With A Classmate Another parent asked, “I recently faced an awkward situation with my son and his classmate. That day, my son’s classmate was sick and missed class. This classmate then messaged my son to ask what the homework was, but my son didn’t reply, so this classmate messaged me to ask my son to reply. I then asked my son about it, and he said, ‘Mom can you just ignore him? He likes to scold me and call me names in class.’   I told him, ‘What are you saying? Your classmate wants to be good and do homework. You should help him!’   My son then started crying. I was quite flustered, so I replied to that classmate and said, ‘Sorry I am very busy tonight. Why don’t you ask another classmate?’   The classmate replied, ‘OK, thank you ma’am.’   I then showed this message to my son and said, ‘OK I told him to find another classmate. But look, he’s a pretty polite boy! Try to be nicer to him.’ My son was quite unhappy still.   What can I do in this situation?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, this mother probably needs to give more understanding to her son first before criticizing him and demanding high moral standards from him. Moreover, it’s probably not a good idea to cover up for the son, as that might make the son think as long as he cries, his mother will give him what he wants. Of course, if I had to reply her, I’d be softer in my messaging.   My teacher replied, “This is another great teaching opportunity. As mentioned earlier, we need to teach our children to think from other people’s perspectives, to expand their hearts, to not only think about themselves all the time.   We can help the kid try to see the perspective of that classmate. This classmate often bullies you, yet when he’s sick and missed class, he still came to you for help. How do you think he feels about you? Clearly, he thinks you are a person with a big heart, a person who is willing to forgive him and help him in his time of need. If I were you, I’d feel quite touched by that.   From another perspective, maybe he has no friends at all. Otherwise, why would he ask for help from someone he bullies? Do you think he likes having no friends? He probably wants to be good and have friends, but he can’t control his bad habit of calling other people names, so he's quite miserable deep down inside. When we understand his hardship, we can feel more compassion for him.   Also, we parents need to be more careful of unintended consequences. I know you were probably trying to comfort your son when you showed him the message you gave to that classmate, but what your son might learn is that as long as he cries and shouts, his mother will grant his wish. It’s not wrong to try to comfort our children, but we need to guide them towards proper thinking. If it’s a really tough situation, you can grant your child’s request, but we should say something like, “This time, due to very extenuating circumstances, I will grant your request, but we cannot do this next time.”   You also didn’t need to lie to that classmate. You could’ve said something like, ‘I asked my son, but he is a bit reluctant because he said you bullied him. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt him, so I will try to talk to him more. But in the meantime, it might be best for you to ask another classmate for help.’   We can also give more encouragement to the child to expand his heart. We might say something like, 'I know it’s very hard to help someone you dislike because he bullied you. But think about it: just because others treat us unkindly, does that mean we should treat them unkindly? What others do is their matter, but what we do is our matter. Our moral character has a huge impact on our life, and a person of high moral character treats all people well. If you can expand your heart and help him, I’ll be very proud of you, and we can celebrate together with your favorite snack and movie.’”   Situation 3: Venting About School Another parent asked, "How can I help my child maintain respect towards a bad teacher? My daughter is in grade 8. Whenever she comes home, she complains about how unreasonable her teacher is. She says the teacher demands them to be in their seats 5 minutes before class starts, and the teacher always ends 5 minutes late. Because this teacher cuts away 10 minutes from their break time, she doesn't even have enough time to use the washroom.   Whenever she comes home, she always vents about this teacher. I told her to not always focus on other people's faults, but I can't say that this teacher is right. I've listened to her vent for hours about this teacher, to the point that I just said, 'Can we take a break from this topic please?'   Moreover, she gives herself so much pressure to get high grades. I've told her before that we don't ask for high grades from her, but that didn't resolve her stress. She is so scared of being at the bottom of her class, but at the same time, she isn't happy when she gets high grades. Instead, she is scared that she can't get as high a grade next time. It seems like nothing I say can help her."   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, wow this daughter vented for hours? That's some serious resentment! And wow, the mother listened for 2 hours? I should praise her for her patience. At the same time, we really shouldn't let the daughter vent for that long. At that point, I feel like the more she complains, the more her resentment grows, so it becomes counter-productive, not to mention anger is harmful for our health. We should try to divert her attention to something else. And then when she's calm, we can guide towards actually solving the problem, like focusing on how we can adapt ourselves to the teacher rather than demanding the teacher to change.   My teacher replied: "The more agitated and emotional the other person is, the more calm and rational we need to be. If we become agitated and emotional along with them, then we'll only worsen the problem. For example, if your daughter comes home and starts venting about how annoying that teacher is, you could give her a smile and say, 'Hey sweetie, I can see you've had a tough day. Why don't you come sit down and relax while I give you a shoulder rub? Do you want some hot chocolate?'   She'll probably be caught off guard by this unexpected kindness, and her negative emotions might reduce a lot, then she'll naturally stop venting so much. After she's calmed down, we can discuss reason with her. We can help her try to see the situation in a different light and understand her teacher's perspective.   I might say, 'Wow, sounds like your teacher has it pretty rough. He tries so hard at his job to make sure his students get good grades, but as a result, his students are all upset at him. What a tragedy!'   Or I might say, 'You know, I'm pretty jealous of you. Your teacher actually cares a lot about your performance, and he's willing to sacrifice his time for you guys by starting class early and ending late. This way, you have a better chance of getting better grades, getting into a better university, finding a good job, and having a brighter future. Your teacher isn't just doing the bare minimum to get by!'   I might also say, 'Yes, school is rough right now. School is rough for most people. But how long will these school years last? You're in grade 8 right now. In less than 10 years, you'll probably be graduated from university. The effort you put in these 10 years will influence the rest of your life. If you live until 70, then these 10 or so years of effort will impact the next 60 years after. So even if it is hard work and tiring right now, isn't it worthwhile?'   Just to be clear, there is no panacea or one-size-fits-all solution. These are just some ideas I thought of. The important thing isn't to learn the content of my answers, but rather the attitude and frame of mind that I have which allows me to come up with these answers. You need to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, put yourself in that teacher's shoes, and then guide your daughter towards effective and positive thinking, and the way you guide her needs to be suitable for her. Don't be overly demanding."   My Experience: Dealing With A Rude Classmate I was able to practice emulating my teacher's spirit recently. I tutor a few students aged 10-12, and one of them is quite rude (let's call him Bob). Another student (let's call her Betty) always gets really upset when Bob calls her names or steps on her shoes or pushes her. Of course, I've told Bob many times to be respectful and to apologize, but it's not easy for him to change his habits. I then decided to also tell Betty to work on herself rather than always demanding others to change.   I had a short talk with Betty, and I first tried to help her feel understood. I said, "I know you must feel very upset and annoyed at Bob for his rude behavior. It's tough, and I want you to know that I really appreciate your good behavior in class." I then tried to help her see the situation in a different light. I said, "Do you have a habit that you find hard to change?" She said, "I guess slouching."   I said, "Yeah, me too. We know we shouldn't slouch, but we just subconsciously keep doing it. Similarly, Bob has a habit of being rude, maybe because growing up, he saw a lot of rude behavior, so he naturally learned it. What's more, he thinks this is normal and fine. I am trying to change his way of thinking as well, but it really takes time to change someone's habit and way of thinking, so I hope you can help me by role modeling respectful behavior for him and being patient towards his change process. That would be a big help to me."   She said, "OK I'll try."   I said, "Thank you! Also, I want you to think about this question: can Bob really make you upset?"   She said, "Yes of course he makes me mad."   I said,  "Are you saying then that Bob is in charge of your feelings? Who should be in charge of our feelings? It should be ourselves, right? We decide how we feel. Not other people. So no matter how other people treat us, we always have the choice to decide how we feel and react. I want you to try it next time. When Bob tries to provoke you, tell yourself, 'I am going to choose to remain calm because I choose my feelings'. If you can do that, I'll give you a point each time [students in my class can trade points for rewards]. Besides, if you get upset, that's probably exactly what Bob finds entertaining. But if you remain calm and respectful, he might get bored of teasing you."   The next week when we had class, Betty told me about all the annoying stuff Bob did this past week, and that she got really angry at him one time, but she managed to control herself and not get angry two times. I told her, "Wow I am so proud of you! Controlling our anger is one of the hardest things, and you managed to do it twice! You totally earned two points."   Conclusion When trying to help others with interpersonal problems, we need to first understand the perspectives of each person involved and realize that everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. When we see people's positive intentions, or when we understand others' difficulties, we won't be so critical and judgmental towards them. Second, we need to help the complainer calm down and feel understood before we start talking about reason and logic. Third, when we do speak about reason and logic, it needs to be in a way that resonates with them, and the advice we give should make them feel like it's achievable. Weekly Wisdom #318

  • Can You Feel Their Hardship?

    I was talking to a friend who recently went back home after living for a while at school. She told me something surprising: "Every time I came back home in the past, I would argue with my parents. But this time, I didn't have any arguments. In fact, I feel so happy and grateful recently, sometimes, I just randomly shout 'Thank you mom! Thank you dad! I am so fortunate!'" I asked, "Wow. What changed this time?" She told me, "Well, I started to realize how difficult it is to be my parents. For example, my mother woke up late from being tired, but then she goes and makes breakfast for me right away. My dad works all day, but he still gives me a massage even when he's tired. Despite all their hardship, they show their love and care for me. How can I not feel happy and grateful?" Coincidentally, just a couple days ago, I attended a class on traditional Chinese culture, and the topic was filial piety (which means being a loving child towards parents). The teacher told us that our love and respect towards parents start when we see the hardship that they go through for us. Parents’ Hardship Parents sacrifice so much for their children. They sacrifice their sleep and freedom to raise us. They give us all the best things they can afford. When we're sick, they take us to the doctor and spend all day with us. When we're sad, they try to comfort us. None of this is easy or convenient, yet they willingly do this for us without requesting anything in return. Image Source Upon reflection, I realized that my mother sacrificed a stable life in China to come to Canada to give me a better future. She also worked extremely hard to raise me all by herself, put me through school, make sure I was healthy, and even set up her retirement so that I don't have to worry about her. Her life has been a hundred times harder than anything I ever went through. When I reflected on this, I felt bad about all the times I gave her a bad temper or made her worry. I also felt internal motivation to make her happy, not because she demands it from me, but because I want to repay her gratitude. Can You See Their Efforts? A lot of people complain about their parents, or even resent their parents for not treating them the way other parents treat their children. But if we put ourselves in our parents' shoes, we realize that they are already trying their best. No parent intentionally tries to make their children hate them; they just have limited ability. Every parent shows love to their children in their own way. But sometimes, we don't see it because we're too focused on how our parents "should" be better. The reason why filial piety is so important in Chinese culture is because they are the closest people to us, and we owe the most gratitude towards them. How we treat our parents is our true selves, and it will be how we treat others, such as our spouse, friends, and leaders. If we are always thinking about how our parents don't treat us well enough, then we will also act the same way towards other people. If we always look at the contributions and good points of our parents, then we will do the same for other people. Filial piety starts when you feel gratitude for your parents. Gratitude starts when you focus on all the hardship they went through for you. Once our heart has gratitude, we will naturally feel happy and fortunate. Then, we can share our positive energy with the people and world around us. Image Source Gratitude starts with our parents and then expands out to all the people around us. Your siblings sacrificed things for you. Your good friends gave their time, energy, and things to you. Your teachers, classmates, boss, and colleagues all helped you. The question is, do you focus on their contributions or their imperfections? Concluding Thoughts What hardships did your parents go through to raise you? How can you repay their gratitude? Repeat question 1, but for other close people around you. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #192 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

  • Why Bad Guys Get Along

    Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

  • What Makes a Good Friend?

    I'm a pretty introverted person who doesn't have many close friends, but I hope that I can be a good friend to those that I'm close with. Growing up, I always thought that people who share similar interests and hobbies make good friends because it's easy for you to talk and do stuff together. But now I realize there's a big hole in that logic. The purpose of friendship isn't to talk and do stuff together. That's just avoiding boredom. The purpose of friendship should be to support each other along the journey of life. Image Source: Unsplash Recently, I learned about the Buddha's standards for being a good friend from this talk by Venerable Jing Kong, and I find these standards to be highly logical and useful. The talk is in Chinese, so I'll translate it here. The Buddha gave five responsibilities that friends ought to fulfill: 1: Friends should advise each other to correct faults and bad habits. If we see a friend do something bad and we don't say anything, then we have not acted as a true friend. However, we must advise them with good etiquette. For example, we should advise them in private, not in front of others. We can advise them on the same fault up to three times, no more. Otherwise they may resent you. 2: If our friend encounters difficulty or illness, we ought to help in any way we can. For example, we can help them find a good doctor or fix unhealthy habits if they want to. 3: Friends should not gossip, expose private shame, or speak ill words of each other towards other people. If our friends have bad behavior, we can advise them privately, but we should not speak of their faults to others. 4: Friends should have mutual respect, keep consistent communication, and let go of any resentment. Remember each other's gratitude, not wrongdoings. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when younger and immature. They didn't know any better. We should often think of their gratitude and let go of any resentment. 5: If wealth levels differ, friends should help each other, not resent or slander each other. Friends with more wealth should help, not look down on, friends with less wealth when they are in need. Friends with less wealth should not resent or be jealous of friends with more wealth. Self-Reflection: Upon learning these five responsibilities, I realized I have quite some improvements to make, such as Advising friends on correcting bad habits: When I saw a friend started smoking, I didn't say anything. Not gossiping: I shouldn't talk about people's personal lives when they are not there. Keeping consistent communication: I've gone months without messaging my friends. Oops. I didn't know any better before, but thankfully now I know and can improve. Hopefully this information will help you create better friendships too!

  • Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right.

    Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like "Treat others the way you want to be treated", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. "Be strict with yourself and lenient with others", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. "Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you." But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along. In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, "Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it?" I said, "Sure." I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, "I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in?" I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

  • When You Don't Get Your Intended Results, Reflect On Yourself (Part 2)

    When she feels that you have a respectful attitude towards her, your relationship will naturally get

  • Take Blame, Give Glory

    When you do a good deed, do you like to get praised for it? Or keep it a secret? Or give the credit to others? Over the summer, I participated in an online educational workshop. The workshop had around 80 participants, and we were split into seven groups (teams) of 10-12 people. Each group had a teacher (leader) with several students (participants). We spent around two thirds of the time learning as a big group and one third of the time discussing in our small groups. A couple of times in the big class, I noticed students from other groups had fans blowing wind directly onto their face, so their hair was flowing with the wind. According to Chinese Medicine, it is bad for our health if we blow wind onto our body when still. If we are moving around, then it's not a problem. At first, I was hesitant about telling them because I didn't want to sound like a naggy parent, but I ultimately decided to message them in a humble and caring way, not in a judgmental or naggy way. They were appreciative. Later, I told my teacher about this, and he told me that although what I did was good, I could have done better. He asked me if I can guess how (Can you guess?). I couldn't figure it out. He told me, "Instead of sending those caring messages yourself, you could have told their team leader. Then the team leader can remind that person as well as the whole group. This way, you give the glory to the team leader rather than taking it for yourself. You also earn the respect of that leader." At that time, I was pretty surprised to hear such an answer. I didn't even think about getting "glory" for simply telling someone to not blow wind onto their face. My teacher then helped me see things from a bigger, more serious perspective. He told me a story about Yanzi (晏子). Yanzi lived around 2500 years ago, during the same time as Confucius. He was a minister in the State of Qi, serving under Duke Jing of Qi. The Duke recruited people from all over the country to build a great pavilion for his recreational purposes. By winter, construction was still going on, and the people were cold and hungry. They all complained about how unsympathetic the Duke was, and they asked Yanzi to help relieve their hardship. Yanzi returned to the Duke's palace. The Duke, happy for his return, organized a banquet to greet him. Although Yanzi planned to tell the Duke about the worker's grievances, he did not want to do so directly. They ate, drank wine, and chatted happily. Then he said to the Duke, "If your highness is willing to give me a small reward, could I sing a song?" The Duke agreed. Yanzi then started passionately singing a sad song: "The people sing: cold water soaks my clothes, making me so cold. Oh how helpless I am. Those in the imperial palace are living an extravagant life, while us common folk are withering. I can barely survive, what to do?" At the end of the song, Yanzi was weeping and sighing. Seeing this, the Duke got up, walked over, and said, "Why are you so sad? Is it because of the pavilion project? I will order for them to stop working right away." Hearing this, Yanzi got up and thanked the Duke graciously. The next day, he bid farewell to the Duke. After that, he rushed to the construction site. When he arrived, he did not say "OK everyone, I told the Duke, we can all go home now." That would have been taking all the glory for himself. Instead, he took out a whip and started whipping the workers, saying, "You people already have your own shelter. The Duke asked you all to work together to build a pavilion for him, and you're still not finished. What good are you? Get to work!" All the workers were shocked and thought Yanzi had gone mad. Yanzi then left the site to go home since he knew that news was on the way from the Duke. Soon after, a messenger from the Duke arrived at the site to tell everyone that the Duke had ordered for the construction to stop, so everyone can return home. As a result, everyone cheered and was extremely grateful towards the Duke. Commentary I reflected on two big morals from Yanzi's story: Be tactful, not blunt, when telling others their faults Take blame and give glory Image Sources: 1, 2, 3 1: Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself When Yanzi returned to the palace, he didn't bluntly say to the Duke, "The people are upset at you. You need to order for the construction to stop." I am a very blunt person, so I probably would have said something like that. But that creates opposition between me and the other person. It is also arrogant, as if I have the right to be telling my superior what he should do. Yanzi's method was to sing a song after drinking some wine, and through the song lyrics express the people's suffering. Then he cried and wept for the people to elicit sympathy from the Duke. This makes it seem like the problem is on himself for being too emotional, and the Duke can be a hero by helping him and the people relieve their suffering. The Duke is then happy to help, and in doing so, correct his mistake of being ignorant and unsympathetic before. 2: Take Blame and Give Glory Most people hate to take blame and prefer glory. But Yanzi took blame that he didn't "deserve" and gave glory away that he "deserved." Such a secret could not be held forever. Eventually, people realized what Yanzi did, and as a result, everyone respected Yanzi even more, and his story has been passed down for 2500 years to this day! If he had given the Duke his "deserved" blame and taken his "deserved" glory, he would only have gotten small, short-term benefit. Therefore, wise people think about the long-term and benefiting the greater good, not short-term self-benefit. My Experience Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself As a teacher, I've had to teach many online classes due to the pandemic. My school requires students to turn on their video cameras in class, but many students don't, or they turn on the camera, but the camera angle is facing the ceiling, so I cannot see their face. (Yes those are my actual students) Perhaps they just woke up and their hair looks messy, or they want to do other things on the computer rather than pay attention in class, or they are just too shy to show their face. Regardless, it is frustrating for the teacher when we call on a student, their video is off, and they don't respond. Like most teachers, I've tried the method of telling the students multiple times to please turn on their cameras because it is the school rules. It works the first couple of times, but it creates opposition. I feel bad doing it, and the students are resentful. In the future, they just don't listen at all. Recently, I tried a more tactful method. I talked to students after class one-on-one in a private room, and I asked them why they didn't show their face in class. Many students said they are shy. I then said, "I'm sorry, but I lack confidence, so when I cannot see my students nodding or looking at me, I feel very nervous, like I am a bad teacher, like I am so boring that students don't even want to look at me. So could you please turn your camera on and look at me during class to help me feel more confident?" I also addressed their concern and said, "I know you are shy, but it is okay. Most students are shy. But we are here to learn, we are not here to look at other students. Most of the time, students are too busy listening to the teacher and taking notes rather than looking at you. So no one is staring at you except me, and I am only looking at you for my confidence, I am not judging your looks." After this, the student would typically turn their camera on and adjust the angle so that I could see their face, and they had no resentment. To give another quick example, I remember listening to a lecture once, and suddenly there was a big sound outside. Everyone started looking at the door window instead of at the speaker. The speaker said, "Everyone, please look at me. Otherwise, you'll hurt this small, sensitive heart of mine." Giving Glory After my summer workshop, I spent quite some time to create a summary document of all the things I learned. I sent it to my team leader to check, and she said it looked good. I was about to send the notes to my classmates and say, "Hey, I summarized some notes, maybe they can help you review too." But then I remembered Yanzi, so I changed my message to, "Hey, I summarized some notes, and our team leader approved them. Maybe they can help you review." This way, I gave some of the glory away to my team leader. I also set an example of asking the team leader to check things before sharing them with others. To give another example, when I go out with my friends, I will ask my mom if there is anything from the garden I could give them. In the past, I would tell my friends that I wanted to give them some garden veggies (which are a hundred times for flavorful than grocer store veggies). Image Source Now, I will say my mom planted these and wanted to give them to you. This way, they feel gratitude towards my mom (whom they are less familiar with) rather than me (who they are already close with). It is a much better allocation of gratitude. Conclusion In the future, I will be on the lookout for more opportunities to take blame and give glory. This would have sounded strange if you told me this a month ago, but now I understand it is the wise thing to do. How can you tactfully ask someone to change by taking blame? How you give more glory to others? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #201 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

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