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As for our loved ones and relationships, if we knew we would die tomorrow, how would we behave today? It is a great way to mend and build relationships. Lesson 3: Let go of obsessions.

[Newsletter #66] Esther Perel on relationship expectations: In the past, most of our needs were met by [Newsletter #105] Confucius on relationships: "The Way of Confucius is but Devotion and Consideration [Newsletter #150] Shang-Chi’s lesson on relationships: People need cheerleaders not critics.

Have you ever made a mistake, and then you keep replaying that mistake in your head, feeling really bad, sad, embarrassed, or remorseful about it? Perhaps you think, "If only I could go back in time and undo that mistake." Image Source I've been there many times. Sometimes, it's a small mistake, like forgetting to bring my wallet when going out. Sometimes it's an embarrassing mistake, like when I was drinking tea once, and then I choked and coughed tea all over the person in front of me. Sometimes it's a horrible mistake, like saying hurtful words to a loved one. In the past, I used to think that apologizing was enough to make up for my mistakes. But I still kept replaying them in my head. And if I repeated my mistakes, the other person wouldn't forgive me. I was also frustrated at myself for making the same mistakes again. So how can we truly move on and free ourselves from the shackles of past mistakes? There's a Chinese saying that goes, "We are not sages, so how can we not have faults and mistakes? But if we correct our faults and mistakes, then there is no greater good than this." (Original Text: 人非圣贤，孰能无过，过而能改，善莫大焉。) There's a similar English saying that goes, "The best apology is changed behavior." This brings me to a great story I heard from the Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong. Once upon a time, there were two brothers who studied Buddhism. The elder brother studied Mahayana Buddhism, while the younger brother studied Theraveda Buddhism. When he was young, the younger brother publicly slandered Mahayana Buddhism, saying it was inferior to Theraveda Buddhism. Later, the younger brother realized he was wrong, and he felt great remorse. He told his elder brother, "I was wrong for slandering Mahayana Buddhism in the past. To repent for my mistake, I will cut off this wicked tongue of mine." The elder brother replied, "Given that you used your tongue to slander Mahayana Buddhism in the past, why not now use your tongue to praise Mahayana Buddhism?" Suddenly, the younger brother understood what is meant by 'true repentance.' Commentary Feeling bad about making a mistake is a sign of good conscience, but we shouldn't be overly harsh and do something irrational (like cutting off your tongue in the case of that younger brother). True repentance is when we promise to the other person or to ourselves that we won't make the same mistake again. And then we keep our promise. A great way to help us avoid the same mistake is to proactively practice the opposite virtue. In the story above, the younger brother had the fault of criticizing others. To fix that fault, he can practice the virtue of praising others' good points. This way, our past mistakes actually serve as a valuable stepping stone for us to become the best version of ourselves. Then, we won't agonize over our past mistakes but rather be thankful to them for helping us grow. The Japanese term "kintsukuroi" is a great analogy for this. Kinstsukuroi is the act of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver and understanding that it is now more beautiful after being broken and repaired. The same is true for mistakes in our lives. The act of repairing with gold is to learn from the mistake and improve ourselves. Image Source When I learned this idea, I suddenly felt really happy and hopeful. I made many mistakes in the past, and I finally knew a way to make up for them: by changing my behavior and avoiding the same mistake in the future. But like many people, I often repeat my mistakes. Why does that happen? After I made a mistake, I felt bad, so why would I make the same mistake again? I realized it's because I never took the time to reflect on why I made that mistake and how I can prevent it in the future. Although doing this reflection process does not guarantee that I won't make the same mistake again (because our habits are so strong), it greatly reduces the chance. And if I do make that mistake again, I do the whole reflection process again. Eventually, I will eliminate that fault. Remember those three examples I mentioned before? Here's how I've moved on from them: I forgot to bring my wallet once, and that one time, my Apple wallet didn't work, so my friend had to pay for me. The next time I went for a meal with that friend, I made sure to bring my wallet and pay for both of us. I choked on tea and coughed over the person in front of me. I apologized and thanked her for her tolerance. Next time I drank slower and sat with proper posture. I have not repeated that mistake since. I said hurtful words when my mood was bad. Many times after, when my mood was bad, I remembered to keep my mouth closed and ask to discuss later when everyone's mood is better. Over the past year and a half, I've been keeping a daily journal. Every day, I reflect on my behavior, note down my mistakes, reflect on why I made that mistake, and write down how I can prevent the same fault next time or cultivate the opposite virtue. Here are some examples: I used to criticize my mother a lot because I always focused on her faults. Now I look for her good points and praise her every day. I used to have unhealthy habits like eating junk food and sleeping late, which made my mother worry. Now, I don't want my mother to worry about me, so I am learning Chinese Medicine and applying the teachings to improve my health and my mother's health. I used to be jealous when other people had better fortune than me. Now, I know it's much wiser to be happy for others' fortune, so I actively try to help others have the best fortune they can have. I used to waste a lot of time on games and TV for no good reason. Now, I use my free time to learn and share wisdom, which brings long-lasting happiness. I used to rush eating, which is bad for my digestion, and sometimes I end up biting my lip, which leaves a painful mouth sore for the next few days. Now, I remind myself that if I can do the small things carefully, then I will naturally do the big things carefully, hence I need to eat slower and more mindfully. Many of these faults are bad habits, and habits take time and determination to change. If we truly feel remorse, we will have the motivation to change bad habits. I have not fixed all these mistakes completely, but I certainly have noticeable improvement, and thus I don't agonize over past mistakes. The past is past. I can relax because I made good use of the past to create a better future. Conclusion As human beings, we all make mistakes. The important thing is what you do AFTER you make a mistake. Disregarding our faults would lead to us making the same mistakes and nurturing bad habits. Agonizing over them is unnecessary suffering. If we want to repent and move on from mistakes, we need to change our behavior and cultivate good habits. Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn and improve from them. If we learn from mistakes, they become lessons; If we improve from them, then they become treasure. What are some mistakes that you feel bad about? How can you learn and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #216

Have you ever harmed a relationship or spoiled an opportunity because you couldn't endure or control To succeed in any relationship, we need to endure impoliteness and conflicts by being patient, tolerant joy Endure through compassion These six methods are mainly related to enduring anger and conflict in relationships After all, the longevity of a relationship is less dependent on how much you appreciate each other's

relationships. Of all our relationships, the most important one is with our parents. relationships. And in my own experience, having good relationships with parents is a great source of joy. I used to think, "I have great relationships with most people.

If we have good relationships with those around us, then we would get so many doses of happiness and Helping others and giving more is a key to good relationships, and anyone who's sincerely helped others When we are self-centered, we tend to create conflict in relationships, and we are more likely to do If we let our anger loose, we’ll destroy relationships and opportunities. Our relationships also improved, and they were eager to help me in the other courses.

especially when it comes to bettering our health and well-being, financial situation, and personal relationships Improving Relationship Health In addition to achieving financial security and improving one’s physical , mental, and emotional health, building better relationships is another common New Year’s goal. To build better relationships in the new year, starting therapy — whether individually or with family A great role model is Tim Ferriss, who does monthly relationship check-ins with his girlfriend.

Rather than praying for pleasure, people, or phenomena, pray for inner strength and wisdom. About a month ago, I read this quote in The Daily Stoic, and I’ve been going back to it over and over again. I find it such a profound, insightful, and rich quote: "Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'" —Marcus Aurelius, Stoic Emperor When we encounter problems, inconveniences, or difficulties, most of us instinctively put our focus on the external thing. The problem is, we cannot control external things; we can only control our mind and our actions. Desire and demand towards external things is what causes us suffering. Instead of praying or desiring for these external things to be different, we should instead seek the internal strength and wisdom to handle it effectively. Image Source Example 1: Pleasure Marcus Aurelius said, Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' I reflected: Instead of wishing I had the stomach to eat more of this delicious food, or the time to watch another episode of this drama, or the money to buy that nice-to-have thing, instead I should ask myself, “How can I have the peace of mind that is unmoved by external and temporary things? This is why I am such a big fan of philosophy. In the past, I always sought temporary external pleasures, which left me craving for more afterwards. But philosophy taught me to access internal joy through being a good person and helping others. This internal joy is in my control, and it makes my life and the life of others better and better. Example 2: People Marcus Aurelius said, Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' I reflected: Instead of praying for other people to be better, pray for myself to be better able to deal with all sorts of people. Before, I always focused on the other person’s problems and how THEY need to change. But that just creates misery for the both of us. Philosophy taught me that whenever people or things don’t go according to our hopes, we need to reflect on our mistakes and how we could’ve done better. Image Source For example, I used to always get upset when people misunderstood me as being careless or having negative intentions when I was actually trying to be thoughtful or had positive intentions. Eventually, I learned that misunderstandings are inevitable. No one can read your mind. I misunderstand others too. Therefore, rather than wanting others to understand me or have the carefulness to check that they understood me, I should just ask myself to be OK with people misunderstanding me, and then I can kindly and patiently communicate with them to correct misunderstandings. Next time, I would try to communicate better to avoid the same mistake. Some others are rude, disrespectful, untrustworthy, etc., but that’s their situation, why must I get upset? Or even worse, become a demanding tyrant, ordering them to become “good” right away? It is normal to encounter difficult people in life. Rather than demanding others to change, I should ask myself to be a good enough influence and role model that could inspire them to change over the long-run. Example 3: Phenomena Marcus Aurelius said, “Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'” I reflected: Instead of asking for something to happen or not happen, how can I be fine either way? How can I make good use of either outcome? For example, I have an upcoming test and interview for a university program I applied for. To be honest, I don’t feel I have the ability yet to pass my upcoming university interview and test, which is less than a month away. Despite this, I don't feel anxious or worried because I prepared my mindset properly right from the beginning. What is my intention for applying to this university program? To make my parents happy and to serve the world better. If I pass, great. If not, that's good too. I can still do lots of other things to make my parents happy and to serve this world, and I have the patience to apply again next year. I will judge myself based on my effort, not on the result. Not passing would only affect my ego, which seeks pleasure from external prestige. I like the analogy given in the book Think Like a Monk: we have a Monkey Mind (the ego) and a Monk Mind (wise mind). When our ego is strong, our wisdom is weak. Philosophy helps us train our wise mind, then the ego naturally becomes weaker. Through the process of preparing for this test and interview, I care more about training my mind as opposed to the final outcome. Conclusion What is something external that you want? How can you change that desire to be internal? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #207

Image Source: Unsplash 1: Words of Affirmation Did you know that good relationships typically have a And excellent relationships have a 20:1 compliment to criticism ratio! This complaint is not just true for the workplace, but also for personal relationships too! 3: Quality Time When it comes to relationships, it's not how much time we spend with others that matters

Within all our relationships, arguably the most important and foundational one is our relationship with It not only talks about having better relationships with parents, but also its extended effects on our Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships.   3: How to Think Another major pain is the emotional pain that comes from relationship conflicts, and the first article One is improving relationships, especially towards parents first.

Thus, I briefly summarized four benefits of self-improvement: Prevent problems Gain joy Relationship If we are constantly improving our character, we can prevent relationship disasters. 1.2: Gain Joy  Socrates Of course, don't go overboard into the panic zone.   1.3: Relationship Harmony Self-improvement is not Or worse, their relationships got worse? It's an essential matter for our happiness, relationships, and career success.

We all want to have happy relationships, so we should learn from successful people like her. My Analysis From these 30 reflections, I summarized four main principles for good relationships. These four principles all align with ancient philosophical relationship advice. If we focus on others' faults, we'll bring negative energy to the relationship, and that will bring out I really admire her for not only sharing teachings on happiness and relationships, but also walking the