A Peaceful Society Depends on Harmonious Marriage

Alex Chen
48 minutes ago
8 min read

This past year, the war in Iran broke out, and we saw prices of gas and daily goods increase suddenly as a result. But these are small inconveniences compared to those living near the battlefield. For them, tomorrow isn't even guaranteed. Surely, nobody likes living in a turbulent society, but what can we do about it? After all, we're just one person. Can we really do anything?

The Root of a Peaceful Society

I learned an insightful answer from Venerable Master Jing Kong. Many experts at a world peace conference asked him how to solve the problem of world peace. He replied that the root of the problem is not in diplomacy, military, economics, science, etc. Rather, the root of the problem lies in the family. Families are like the cells of society. If the cells are unhealthy, the whole body will get ill.

There is so much conflict and turmoil in society because families have a lot of conflict. As a result, kids grow up in a conflict-ridden environment. Kids naturally learn what they see, so they learn how to have conflict with others rather than how to harmonize with others. Conflicts escalate into fights, and fights escalate into wars. Areas with higher divorce rates also tend to have higher crime rates. But ultimately, it's not that people don't want to have harmony, it's that they never saw good role modeling growing up, so they don't know how to have harmony.

Therefore, to solve the root of the problem, societies need to teach its people how to have harmonious relationships. Of all the relationships, the first one to harmonize should be spouses because they are at the core of the family.

The Records on Rituals says:

"Husband and wife must have distinct responsibilities, then they will have moral gratitude towards each other. When spouses have moral gratitude towards each other, then parents will have a loving relationship with children. When parents and children have love, then the relationship between leaders and followers will be upright. Thus it is said that marriage ceremony is the foundational ceremony."

(Original text: 《禮記·昏義》：「男女有別，而後夫婦有義；夫婦有義，而後父子有親；父子有親，而後君臣有正。故曰：昏禮者，禮之本也。」)

When spouses are in harmony, then they will create a happy and harmonious family environment. In order for that to happen, they need to feel a sense of moral gratitude towards each other. When we feel moral gratitude, we feel like they have given so much to us, and it's only right that we should give back in this relationship, otherwise we are mistreating them. This kind of relationship is bound to be harmonious and long-lasting.

In a harmonious family environment, children will grow up with healthy personalities and know how to get along well with others. Children who have good relationships with their parents will be naturally able to extend the respect they have for parents towards other elders, such as teachers at school and leaders in the workplace. On the other hand, children who disrespect parents and have conflict with parents will probably have similar relationship patterns with other elders in society.

How to Harmonize the Family

In order for spouses to live in harmony, they have to appreciate each other. They have to be grateful to have each other. Thus, having distinct responsibilities is key. In the past, it was usually the husband that worked and the wife that stayed at home and took care of the children and grandparents. The husband is thankful to the wife for taking care of all the people in the family while he's out working, and the wife is thankful to the husband for supporting the family financially.

If on the other hand, both spouses work and earn money, and the kid is left with nannies or daycare, what happens? The spouses don't appreciate each other as much. Each spouse may think, "I don't need you. I don't get enough appreciation from you. I can work and earn money too."

Moreover, the kid is not as close with the parents, or even thinks the parents don't care that much about him/her. When kids grow up lacking love, they are more likely to have personality problems or bad emotional management. It's also easier for them to fall in with bad groups of people because they seek belonging so badly.

In modern society, it's already very common for both spouses to work. We're not going to return to old times where wives were expected to stay at home to take care of the family. But that's not the point. The point is that spouses need to have moral gratitude towards each other. There are other ways to do that.

Change Starts With Me. With My Thinking.

Wayne Dyer said,

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Ultimately, how we feel about someone is not dependent on them as much as it is dependent on our thinking. If we are always looking at the other person's bad points, on how they aren't good enough, on how they upset us, then we will have conflict with them. But if we can focus on what they have given us, on the kindness they've shown, on what they contribute to the relationship, on their good points, then we will naturally start feeling gratitude towards them. When we feel gratitude, we'll naturally feel happy and treat them with respect and love.

Therefore, if we want to have a harmonious family and contribute to world peace, it starts with changing our attitude towards our spouse and family members.

First, focus on their contributions, kindness, and good points…because what we focus on will grow. Venerable Jing Kong once said,

"If we want a happy lifelong marriage, there is one secret: Only look at their good points. Don't look at their imperfections."

When we focus on their good points, we will feel happy when we think of them and see them. When we give them positive energy and express appreciation for them, they will naturally be positive towards us and want to contribute more.

Second, tolerate their imperfections…because we all have imperfections, and we all hope others can forgive us rather than demand us to be perfect. Through mutual acceptance and encouragement, people will feel motivated to improve.

Third, Let bygones be bygones…we are all human, and we all make mistakes. No one likes being constantly criticized for something that they've already apologized for. Let's focus on creating a better future instead of always bringing up past mistakes.

As for our children, it's important that the adults set a good role model. Spouses should be harmonious and respectful to each other, especially when children are watching. I remember one of my teachers said,

"When I was growing up, I never saw my parents argue. If they started to have a disagreement, they both had the sense that they cannot argue in front of the kids. They would instead go to a room privately to discuss the matter. As a result, I never really saw or learned conflict in my family environment, and I am extremely grateful to my parents for that."

We should have this sense too. Moreover, we need to give lots of love and positive energy to our children. In this way, they will grow up to have a healthy personality. We don't want them to feel neglected or unloved or get sucked into negative content on their phones or hang around bad influences without our knowledge.

Parents are all very busy with work nowadays, and when they return home, they tend to be tired. But parents don't have to spend huge amounts of time with children in order to have a good relationship with them. Quality is more important than quantity. As long as we sincerely want to spend time with our children, we will seize every opportunity. Our children will feel our sincere love, and they will have love and respect for us as a result.

If, however, parents would rather scroll on their phones or do other things instead of spending time with their kids, then the kids will learn the same behavior. In the future, they won't care about their parents and just want to scroll on their phones or do their own things. If they lack respect towards their parents, who are the closest people to them, then how can they truly respect other people?

For Those Not Married

For those of us who are not married yet, it's extremely important to understand that marriage is not a small matter. Know that, just like you, your spouse is not going to be perfect. Do you have confidence in yourself to maintain harmony despite their faults and imperfections?

A good test is to reflect on how we treat our parents. After all, our parents gave us the most. They gave us our life and raised us all these years. They are always thinking to benefit their children. Do we often think about all the kindness and love that our parents have given us? Or do we often complain about them and think about past grievances? Parents aren't perfect either; can we tolerate their imperfections?

How we treat our parents is our true selves. We're not trying to put on our best selves to leave a good impression on parents. We know that no matter what we do, parents will still take care of us. So if we lack appreciation for our parents, then we may very likely treat our spouse and other people the same way. Even if we don’t plan on getting married, we’ll find that when we improve our relationship with our parents, we’ll have better relationships with other people, and we’ll be much happier.

Again, the solution is in changing our attitude. Focus on their kindness and on giving back. Tolerate their imperfections just like how we would want others to tolerate our imperfections. Let bygones be bygones, and encourage each other to create a better future together. When we can do this towards our parents, we'll naturally be able to do it towards others.

We should also remember that birds of a feather flock together. If we want to attract a virtuous spouse who is loving and respectful towards their parents, then we need to be this kind of person first. Otherwise, even if we meet such a person, they wouldn’t want to associate with us.

Conclusion

A peaceful society is the shared responsibility of every family in that society. Moreover, family is the foundation for all of us. Thus, a harmonious family means a happy life for ourselves. The most important relationship in the family is that of spouses. When spouses have gratitude and moral duty towards each other, they will be happy. They will then give that positive energy to the children, allowing the children to grow up with healthy personalities, and the children will contribute positive energy to the society too.

In the past, spouses would have distinct responsibilities, which helped them have gratitude towards each other. Although modern marriages may not be able to replicate that, we can still foster mutual gratitude by changing our attitude. We should focus on each others' kindness and contributions, tolerate each others' imperfections, let go of past grievances, and work together to create a better future.

Although parents are very busy with work nowadays, it's very important to prioritize quality time with children so that they feel loved and cared for, and to prevent them from slipping into negative influences. As long as we sincerely want to spend time with them, they will feel it, and they will be motivated to give back to the family.

Regardless if we are married or not, let us all contribute to a peaceful society and our own happiness by harmonizing our own families.

Weekly Wisdom #395