Be A Coach, Not A Police Officer

Recently, a teacher colleague discussed some class problems with me:

"I noticed that some students in my kindergarten class like to police classmates and hate admitting mistakes, especially Jenny. For example, when Joe accidentally hit Carol with his elbow while coloring, Jenny came to me and said Joe hit Carol. But it was an accident, and Joe even said sorry right away.

I know other teachers might just tell the students to directly talk to each other rather than personally scold the wrongdoer, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe it would help them develop their social skills, but maybe it's better for the teacher to get involved.

Also, yesterday it was Jenny's turn to turn off the lights when leaving the classroom, but she forgot. I often have to remind her, but yesterday I didn't. I asked Carol to help turn off the lights instead.

Later, Carol said to Jenny, 'By the way, you forgot to turn off the lights when we left the classroom, but don't worry, I helped you turn it off.'

Jenny responded, 'No I didn't. I turned off the lights.'

I told Jenny, 'Maybe you remembered wrong. I noticed you didn't turn off the lights, so I asked Carol to help.'

She said, 'No, I remember very clearly that I turned off the lights.'

It seems to me like Jenny hates to admit mistakes, and I don't know what to do with her. Do you have any advice?"

I replied:

"I lack expertise and experience with kindergarteners, so I don't know if I can give any good advice. But I'll try to offer something that hopefully can help.

Firstly, about whether or not we should let students work it out themselves instead of tattletaling, I think the problem is not the matter, the problem is the intention. If Jenny comes tell me that a classmate did something wrong, I would ask her, 'OK. Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to help them correct their faults? Or do you just want them to get punished?' The point is that we should be trying to help our classmates correct their faults.

Then I would say to Jenny privately, "OK, so our goal is to help them correct their faults. Let's wait until recess or after lunch. I'll tell the other classmates to go play, and I'll ask you and Joe to stay behind in the classroom. Then you can politely tell Joe, 'Today you hit Carol, and I think you should apologize to Carol for that.'

If Joe doesn't know how to respond, then I'll tell Joe, "Jenny is very respectful towards you! She waited until the other classmates left to give you important advice. What should we say when others try to help us improve?"

Then Joe would know to say "Thank you."

Later when the class is back, I might tell the class what happened and praise Jenny for helping Joe to correct a fault, and I'd also praise Joe for being humble and accepting Jenny's advice. This way, the whole class learns that advising others respectfully and accepting advice humbly are good deeds.

I would also tell the class, "Mistakes are only bad if we don't learn from them. But if we learn from our mistakes, then we turn them into valuable lessons. And that's awesome!" Of course, saying this is one thing, but we have to believe in it and guide our students to learn from each mistake and praise them for it. Only then would they truly internalize it.

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As for why Jenny always polices others and hates to admit mistakes, I wonder if that might be related to her parents? Maybe her parents often police her and tell her what she did is wrong or not good enough, so then she always wants to defend herself, and she starts copying her parents' behavior towards classmates."

The teacher replied,

"Yes, I think that is the case with her mother. Joe's mother is similar. I often tell Jenny and Joe that they shouldn't police classmates. The teacher can tell students their faults because it's the teacher's job, but classmates shouldn't do it. But I think they are copying me too."

I said,

"Right. Again, I would say that the problem is not the matter of telling others their faults. The problem is the intention and energy behind our actions. If we are policing our students and telling them 'You shouldn't do that', 'Don't do that', 'Say sorry', etc., what's our intention? Our intention will determine our facial expression, tone of voice, and body language, and kids will learn that.

Some teachers are very demanding towards kids because they feel that their kids' behavior reflects their teaching, and they want to have a good reputation in the eyes of other teachers and parents. Some other teachers demand good behavior from kids because they want class to be smooth, and they dislike dealing with trouble. Whatever the reason is, being demanding towards kids for selfish reasons will create opposition.

When we oppose kids, as if their behavior is unrelated to us, as if they choose to disrespect us, then we will blame them for not behaving in the way we want them to. When blamed, they will want to make excuses or deny fault. So we have to correct our intentions and attitude. When we change ourselves, we naturally change the way others respond to us. That's why there's a Chinese proverb that goes,

'When things don't go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself.'

If our intention is to help them improve, then we would act more like a coach, not a police officer. We could tell them that there is a good learning opportunity here. For example, when Jenny forgot to turn off the lights, I would first remind Jenny to turn off the lights. Later, I might ask Jenny, 'Let's turn our past mistake into a useful lesson. How can you make sure you remember to turn off the lights next time without the teacher reminding you?'

If she has trouble thinking of a solution, I might say to the class, "We are all one team. We need to help each other out. Right now Jenny is having trouble thinking of a way to remember to turn off the lights next time. Can anyone think of a solution?" If no one in the class has any ideas, then I can give suggestions. This is turning the problem into a learning opportunity. This is what a coach would do, but a police officer wouldn't."

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The teacher replied,

"I think it's quite insightful when you said I should focus on changing myself, not on changing others. So at home, in the morning, my nine-year-old daughter is really slow to get ready. Sometimes I start nagging at her and rushing her because I'm worried that if I don't, her dad will get angry and start shouting at her. How can I change myself then? If I am very calm and don't make a big deal out of it, her dad will shout at her."

I said,

"Right. So do you think your daughter has learned your nagging and your dad's shouting?"

She said,

"Yes. I noticed that she likes to point out our faults, and sometimes she'll shout angrily too."

I replied,

"There's a quote that goes,

'Children don't do what you say, they do what you do.'

In the situation you mentioned, I would probably rush my daughter too. But if my intention is to help her, not to blame her, not because I'm scared of the spouse shouting, then I would be gentle but firm. People can feel our energy. If she is still slow at getting ready, and then my spouse starts shouting, then that's also a learning opportunity. I could calmly ask my spouse to be a bit more gentle and patient.

Later, at an appropriate time, I could have a conversation with my daughter. I would ask her why she is so slow. Is it because she's tired? Or she doesn't want to go school? Or just lazy? Based on her reason, we can then think of a solution. This way, she feels that we are trying to help her, not blame her.

I would also ask her to reflect on how her behavior made others feel. How did it make your parents feel? Do you want your mom and dad to feel anxious or angry? Is that a nice way to treat your parents? Given that it's not nice, how could you do better next time? Let's make a plan.

If mom and dad often get impatient, then mom and dad need to improve too. We can have a contest. You work on being faster in the morning, and if you are on time, then you get a star. If you are slow, then it's our challenge to remain calm and patient towards you. If we can do that, then we get a star. Let's do a competition and see who can get to 10 stars first. We can exchange 10 stars for a treat of our choice.

Anyway, that's just an idea. There's no one correct answer. As long as our intentions are proper, the results will naturally align themselves."

She replied,

"Wow I never thought of it that way. OK, I guess my next step is to work on correcting myself, and then my daughter and students will naturally improve too."

I said,

"Yes, I'm exactly the same. Honestly, it's easy to give advice to someone else. It's a completely different challenge to actually do it ourselves. I feel like I nag too much too. I don't spend enough time calmly following up with students after matters happen to turn problems into lessons, and I often blame students too. We're all on a journey of self-improvement, so let's support each other along the way!"

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Weekly Wisdom #371