Change Complaints Into Requests

Recently, I started a new semester at a new school, and I've been very busy at work. My mother was worried that I'm too busy and not spending enough time studying Buddhism, and she would say things like "Aren't you getting a bit carried away in your work? Are you spending enough time learning Buddhism? Are you losing sight of what's most important?"

The first couple of times, I simply said "Thanks for your concern". By the third time, I got annoyed and told her, "I'm trying to be a responsible person and do my best to fulfill my job responsibilities. Isn't that what Buddhism teaches us to do? Everyone' situation is different. You have lots of time to listen to Buddhist lectures all day, so you can do that, but I have a full-time job, and I'm extra busy during the start of the school year. Wouldn't I love to have more free time to study Buddhism or rest? It's not like I'm purposely trying to not listen to Buddhist lectures, I just don't have time right now, and what I need is more understanding rather than pressure."

My mom then apologized. Later, after I calmed down in meditation, I realized that I wasn't serene when I said that, and I should be more careful to inspect that my mind is calm and peaceful before speaking. I also remembered a teaching from my mentor: instead of complaining, make respectful requests.

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3

I then told my mother, "I know you have good intentions for me when you said that I'm too busy and that I'm not spending enough time learning Buddhism. Thank you for your good intentions. I have a request. In the future, could you try framing your worry into a positive request instead? For example, you could say, 'Oh you've been so busy recently. Could you please make sure you have at least one rest day over the weekend? Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me over the weekend?' Or 'I know you are busy, but would you have 10 minutes of free time a day to listen to Buddhist lectures with me?" This would make me feel much better than hearing a criticism or complaint."

My mother happily accepted my request.

Just to be clear, the point of this article is to urge ourselves to make requests instead of complaining. It is not to demand others to make requests instead of complaining. Complaining is a common bad habit that nearly everyone has, so we need to be tolerant and patient towards others. But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful requests instead of complaining back and forth.

Some people might say, "But I have asked them to change, and they don't listen." In that case, I would ask: did you make a respectful request, or were you demanding and impatient? No one likes to be pressured, so people naturally try to resist being pressured.

In order for communication to flow smoothly, we need to hold the intention of respect and consideration. We make a request respectfully, and if they say no, we can try to understand their concerns and see if we can resolve them.

For example, if my mother said, "Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me for an hour every day?" and I said, "No, that's too much." Then my mother shouldn't say, "One hour isn't that much. My friend's kid does it." That's opposition. She could instead say, "OK, what would be doable for you then?" That's being understanding and respectful.

Or if I said, "Those lectures are boring," She shouldn't say, "They're good for you! You need to listen to them to grow your wisdom!" That would just create more opposition and conflict. Instead she could say, "I'm sorry if I picked boring lectures for you in the past. I certainly don’t want to bore you. Could you give me a chance to try to find some lectures that you might find more relatable?" When I feel her respect and consideration, I'd naturally feel grateful and want to cooperate.

Conclusion

When was the last time you complained to others about their behavior? How could you change that complaint into a respectful request?

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Weekly Wisdom #359