Don't Explain Yourself Unless Asked

Imagine:

You are in charge of a department in your company. There is a new employee in another department, but you heard that she used to do work in your field of work, and your department is also lacking staff. You think she might be able to help out with some work in your department, but you don't know if she's interested or has the extra time. You decide to talk to her and gauge her interest first; if she's interested, then you'll go a step further and ask her manager if she can help out with your department. If not, then you won't talk to her manager; this way, you don't give her pressure (if you directly go to her manager, and her manager asks her to do it, but she doesn't want to do it, then she'll feel pressured).

To your surprise, that new employee reported to her manager that you asked her if she's interested in your department's work, and then her manager complained to your boss (who is also her manager's boss) that you didn't go through her manager and instead went directly to the employee. Your boss then criticizes you and says, "You should talk to her manager first, not go directly to her. You should know better than this."

Image Source: ChaptGPT

How would you respond to your boss?

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This is exactly the situation my mentor faced recently. If I were in that situation, I would definitely explain my reason for doing what I did because I want my boss to know that I am a rational person who always has a reason for doing what I do. But my mentor told me that this aversion to wrongful criticism is a big problem. He simply took the blame.

I asked, "Is it because if you explain yourself, your boss would feel like you have a big ego and therefore would lose trust in you and not advise you in the future? By accepting the criticism, we show that we are humble and grateful for their advice?"

He said, "Yes."

I asked further, "So even if we feel wrongfully criticized, we just have to swallow it. Although it doesn't feel good in the moment, it's ultimately the best decision in the long run."

He replied, "You have to judge the situation. If your leader asks you why you did what you did, and he truly seems open to hearing an explanation, then you can explain. But if your leader seems to already judge you to be guilty, then there's no point in arguing or explaining yourself. The timing isn’t right. If you still want to communicate later, then wait for a suitable time.”

Of course, this doesn't just apply to criticism from leaders but anyone, and a suitable time means when both of you are calm and not busy.

This reminded me of a quote by Confucius:

"To not be upset when others don't understand, is this not the mark of an exemplary person?"

Easy to say. Hard to do. I'm very thankful to my mentor for his role modeling, and I hope I can emulate him.

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Weekly Wisdom #346