Elevate Relationships With The Five Love Languages and The Four Methods of Befriending

Alex Chen
1 hour ago
4 min read

Do you want to improve any of your current relationships, whether they be family, friends, or professional? Are you hoping to make new friendships with others? If so, do you know how to do so? On a related note, do you ever feel like you clearly show love and consideration for the other person, but they don’t seem to appreciate it? If you said yes to any of these questions, then this article may be helpful.

Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin often says,

“Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that strong relationships are a key to happiness, maybe even THE key to happiness.”

Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha taught The Four Methods of Befriending (四攝法) to nurture relationships and make friends. In modern times, marriage researcher Gary Chapman discovered the Five Love Languages framework.

Comparing the Two Frameworks

The Four Methods of Befriending are

Giving: giving gifts and hosting guests. More broadly, it includes not just material gifts, but also the giving of time, energy, happiness, comfort, knowledge, and wisdom.
Loving words: encouragement, appreciation, praise, and admonishment.
Beneficial action: doing things to help them, reduce their burden, relieve their stress, etc.
Activities in common: joining them in activities that they like to do.

The Five Love Languages are

Gifts: big and small; no need for any special reason or occasion; the important thing is the sentiment and thoughtfulness behind the gift.
Words of Affirmation: compliments, praise, encouragement and appreciation. It’s more meaningful when it’s specific and thoughtful.
Acts of Service: running an errant for them, cooking, doing the chores, and anything else that reduces their workload and stress.
Quality Time: giving them your undivided attention, joining them in activities that they enjoy.
Touch: holding hands, hugs, a pat on the shoulder, a high five, or even just being close in space.

Did you notice how these two frameworks are almost the same? It is a great example of ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists having the same ideas!

The major difference is that the Five Love Languages has touch as a language, while the Four Methods of Befriending does not. This also makes sense since The Five Love Languages focuses on intimate relationships, while the Four Methods of Befriending focuses on all relationships, and touch is not very suitable for those we aren’t close with. We have to be socially and culturally sensitive when it comes to touch.

There are also a couple minor differences between the two frameworks. Giving in the Four Methods of Befriending is broader than Gifts in the Five Love Languages. Also, Loving Words is broader than Words of Affirmation because it encompasses giving admonishment and even harsh criticism so long as it comes from a loving intention.

It’s also important to note that these methods are not mutually exclusive. One act can have multiple love languages involved. For example, if we give someone a massage while chatting with them, that includes touch, acts of service, quality time, and the giving of time. If write a holiday card and give a small gift, that includes gifts and words of affirmation.

Using The Two Frameworks

One key insight that Chapman found for the Five Love Languages is that although everyone appreciates every love language, people usually have one or two primary love languages that they prefer. In other words, if two people have different love languages, they might both think that they are showing lots of love and care for the other person, but the other person doesn’t really feel it.

Therefore, a key insight is that we need to learn the other person’s top one or two love languages and make conscious effort to love them in their preferred way. Otherwise, we tend to express love using our love language, and as a result, they might feel we are being nice, but they might also feel we aren’t truly loving them (at least not in the way they are hoping for).

Example 1: Spouses

Famous author and speaker Jay Shetty’s primary love language is gifts. It might be because during his childhood, his mother would always give him the best birthday gifts and surprise parties. However, his wife’s primary love languages are quality time and acts of service. Shetty would put in a ton of effort into giving gifts to his wife, but his wife never seemed to react as happily as he imagined she would. On the other hand, his wife would put in a lot of time and effort to cook healthy gourmet meals for him and want to spend good quality time with him, but he didn’t react with the same level of enthusiasm she was hoping for.

After learning about the Five Love Languages, Shetty realized that his wife is much happier to simply go grocery shopping together than to go for a meal at a nice restaurant. His wife also put in more effort into gifts for special occasions, which Shetty appreciated very much.

Example 2: Colleagues

Let’s say we want to improve our relationships with colleagues. Here, the Four Methods of Befriending would be useful. We don’t even need to think about what their preferred method is (that’s more for intimate relationships); we can use any or all four methods:

Giving: say good morning to them in the morning and goodbye when leaving the office, bring little snacks for everyone to share, give holiday cards or little gifts.
Loving Words: give them encouragement, praise, thank-you notes, and timely advice.
Beneficial Action: look for ways to help them with their work or reduce their stress.
Activities in Common: attend social events together, chat with them and give them our attention and interest.

Example 3: Friends

We may not see our friends every day like we do with family and colleagues, but we can still use the Four Methods of Befriending. We can give gifts on special occasions, encourage each other when we chat about our lives, help each other when needed, and spend time together doing things that we mutually enjoy together.

Conclusion

We could all probably do a better job at nurturing relationships, which would be very beneficial for everyone in the relationships. For intimate relationships, it’s important to know their primary one or two love languages so that you can express love in their preferred way. For non-intimate relationships, using any and all of the Four Methods of Befriending would help.

Weekly Wisdom #367