Four Types of Karmic Relationships

Alex Chen
13 hours ago
16 min read

Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin said,

“Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.”

Ancient philosophers emphasized cultivating one's moral character and virtues. Why? It isn't just to make ourselves more noble. It's also to help us have better relationships. When all our relationships are harmonious, it's like living in heaven. When there's a lot of agony and conflict in relationships, it's like living in hell.

I've already written a lot in the past about improving relationships through cultivating our own virtues, such as compassion, wisdom, humility, etiquette, trustworthiness, carefulness, etc. When we improve our own virtues, we improve our response to other people, which naturally improves our relationships.

But this article will look at relationships from a different perspective, the perspective of karma. When we understand karma, we will no longer think "How dare they treat me like this!" or "They shouldn't be that way!"

Instead, we will think

"Every result has its cause. How others treat me now is a result of my past karma. How I respond now determines my future karma and is a reflection of my cultivation."

One important principle of karma is that it spans across three lifetimes: past, present, and future. This article will talk about both present life karma and past life karma. If you do not believe in past or future lives, I suggest reading The Scientific Proof of Causal Reincarnation by Dr. Zhong Maosen. I have previously written a summary article as well.

Present Life Karma Perspective

From just the perspective of present life karma, if we have conflict with someone, chances are, it's not 100% their fault. The way they treat us now is a result of our past actions. Maybe we did certain things without considering their feelings, so they got upset at us. That's our karma. Maybe we got upset at them unfairly in the past, so now they get angry at us unfairly. That's still our karma. Maybe when they criticized us, we criticized them back even more than they criticized us, so they felt the urge to continue criticizing us. Every result definitely has its cause.

Whenever we are upset at the way someone treats us, we should ask ourselves, "Have we ever treated that person or any other person in the same way?"

If the answer is yes, then we have to recognize that receiving this kind of treatment back is karma. If we have misunderstood others or criticized others wrongly in the past, then it's inevitable that others will do the same to us. This isn't unfair. It's a natural law of the world, just like the law of gravity. No one complains about gravity not letting them float in the air. We all accept the law of gravity and work with it. We should have the same attitude towards the law of karma.

Another important rule of karma is that from cause to result requires time. If you had past conflict with someone, and now you start treating them virtuously with kindness, respect, and humility, they may not immediately return the same treatment back to you. It takes time to build trust and change prejudice.

To give an analogy, relationships are like bank balances. Every good interaction is like a deposit. Every bad interaction is like a withdrawal. If we had too many bad interactions in the past, the relationship bank balance is in a deficit. If we start depositing today, we're decreasing the deficit, but it won't become a surplus in one day. If we try to treat them well, but they still treat us rudely or unkindly, that's because our balance is still a deficit. If we respond negatively, then we'll deepen the deficit. If we respond positively, then we'll decrease the deficit much faster. Once the balance becomes a surplus, the relationship will turn over a new leaf.

Multiple Life Karma Perspective

Have you ever met someone and you just get along really well? You just feel like long-time old friends. Or have you ever met someone and just dislike them right away? You don't really know why. It's not like they did anything to tick you off. But for some reason, you just don't like them very much…This is all related to past life karma.

In some relationships, one person keeps taking while the other person keeps giving. The taker doesn't seem to appreciate the giver and takes them for granted. Some might say the taker is abusing the giver. The giver doesn't seem to want to leave the relationship. Or perhaps the giver wants to leave the relationship, but for whatever reason cannot. This is also related to past life karma.

There is a Buddhist saying that goes,

"Spouses are joined by karmic affinity. Some affinities are good, others are bad. Without affinity, they would not join. Children come through karmic debts. Some come to repay, others come to collect. Without debt, they would not come."

Although this quote talks about spouses and children, the principle applies to all relationships. It's just that people usually have the strongest karmic ties to spouses and children, so this principle is even more evident in these relationships.

Broadly speaking, there are four types of karmic relationships:

Repaying kindness
Getting revenge
Repaying debt
Collecting debt

Repaying kindness and getting revenge are fairly self-explanatory. If we treated someone well in the past, they will treat us well in the future. If we mistreated others in the past, they will mistreat us in the future.

Debt has many kinds. There are debts of money, debts of things, debts of emotion (e.g., tears), debts of lives. If we stole money or things from others in past lives, and the owner was unable to collect the debt in the past, eventually, in a future life, that owner will come to collect the debt. If we caused others a lot of grief in past lives, they will collect a debt of tears in the future. If we killed others in the past, they will collect that debt of life in the future. This is all karma.

Also, these four relationships are not mutually exclusive. Usually, our relationship with people includes a mixture of all four. But what percentage each makes up differs by relationship.

Oftentimes, when people receive mistreatment, they get angry and want revenge. When people get revenge, they tend to go overboard, which then creates a cycle of endless retaliation. For example, if Person A stole $100 from Person B, Person B gets upset. Later, Person B steals not $100 but $110 from Person B out of anger and revenge. Person A then feels this is unjustified and later steals $120 from Person B. This creates an unending cycle of revenge.

To give another example, Person A unfairly criticized Person B one sentence. Person B gets upset and unfairly criticizes Person A two sentences. Eventually this leads to fist fights and physical harm. If this cycle continues, it even leads to taking each others' lives. But if even one person decided to let go of revenge and forgive the other person, then that cycle could end there and then.

Thus, the Buddha taught us multi-life karma so that we would accept the consequences of negative karma peacefully. After all, it is our own fault and responsibility, so we should bear the consequences. In this way, we won't create more negative karma. Moreover, by responding with virtues, we will end the cycle of revenge and create a better future.

Venerable Master Jing Kong said,

"In unfavorable circumstances, accord with the negative conditions without anger or resentment, and your karmic obstacles will completely disappear. In favorable circumstances, accord with the positive conditions without greed or delusion, and your fortune and wisdom will fully appear."

(Original Text: 處逆境，隨惡緣，無瞋恚，業障盡消。處順境，隨善緣，無貪痴，福慧全現)

Below are some stories to illustrate karma in relationships.

Story 1: The Angry Donkey Grandson

Below is a story from the book Records of Real Contemporary Karma Cases (現代因果實錄). The original text is in Chinese, so I have translated it to English.

Ms. Jiang was in her seventies and often participated in Buddhist retreats, but she had a lingering worry that kept her from focusing on her Buddha chanting meditation. The source of her distress was her 17-year-old grandson, who frequently yelled at his nearly 80-year-old grandfather and constantly ordered the elderly couple around. He insisted on changing his clothes daily, was extremely picky about food, and even demanded that his grandmother go to his classmate’s house to fetch things for him.

His parents were financially well-off, owning a modern three-bedroom apartment and a Toyota car, and they very much wished for their son to live with them. However, since childhood, the boy had preferred staying with his grandparents, yet he constantly made them upset. No matter how well the grandparents treated him, he would flip moods instantly. When his temper flared, he would kick furniture and slam doors, only to calm down a short while later as if nothing had happened. Ms. Jiang lamented that as long as the grandson was around, she and her husband could not find peace in their Buddha chanting.

Hearing this, I deeply sympathized with their situation. So, I sought advice from an elderly monk who had the ability to see into people's past lives.

The master said, “In their past life, this old couple were husband and wife living in a rural village. They owned a donkey that helped them plow the fields, grind grain, and even carried loads when they went to the market. Despite enduring a life of hard labor on coarse fodder, the donkey was often beaten and scolded. When it grew old and could no longer work, they sold it to a butcher to be slaughtered. Now, their grandson is that very donkey, reincarnated to collect his debt.

They must quickly repent before the Buddha for the sins of their past mistreatment and recite the Kṣitigarbha Sutra every day, dedicating the merits to the donkey’s past soul. If they do not, this grandson will continue to torment them, and they may very well be angered to death.”

I conveyed the master's words to Ms. Jiang exactly as he had spoken. She wholeheartedly believed them, saying, “My grandson really does behave like a stubborn donkey, unpredictable and bad-tempered. His grandfather has already developed high blood pressure from his tantrums and even suffered a heart attack a few days ago. If this goes on, it’s only a matter of time before we lose our lives. Now that we understand the root cause of our suffering, we will follow the master’s guidance.”

A month and a half later, Ms. Jiang called me with joyful news:

“I have great news! My husband and I immediately repented for our past wrongdoings and have persistently recited the Kṣitigarbha Sutra every day. We've completed 39 recitations so far, and during this time, our grandson has only lost his temper once; he just shouted twice and calmed down quickly. Yesterday, his teacher even praised him for dressing modestly and helping others! My husband and I were so moved that we cried tears of joy. The power of the Kṣitigarbha Sutra is truly incredible—Buddhism is wondrous! Now, our faith in cultivation is stronger than ever.”

Less than six months later, Ms. Jiang’s grandson had proudly joined the Communist Youth League. Every day, Ms. Jiang and her husband happily recited sutras and worshiped the Buddha, developing a newfound love for studying Buddhist scriptures. Not only had their old ailments disappeared, but even Ms. Jiang’s once-fully white hair had begun growing strands of black again. Their happy twilight years had only just begun.

Commentary 1:

In this story, the grandson came into this family mainly to get revenge on the grandparents and collect a debt of grievances. The grandson probably didn't know his past life, but he felt the way he did towards the grandparents due to the force of karma. Similarly, when we just seem to like someone or dislike someone for no clear reason, that's also the force of karma.

When we understand karma, we know that nothing is random. Why did the grandson insist on living with the grandparents? Why did the grandson only torment the grandparents but not the parents or other adults? Why does this grandson have the personality of a stubborn mule? This is all karma.

When the grandparents got upset, they probably scolded the grandson and argued with him a lot. That's making the relationship deficit even worse. Once they understood that the reason their grandson abuses them is because they abused the grandson in the past, they no longer felt like it was unfair. They recognized that they were responsible for this situation, and they sincerely repented.

In order to repent for a wrongdoing, it's not enough to just say sorry. We have to sincerely feel sorry, stop the wrongdoing, and make amends. This elderly couple believed the master's words, sincerely felt sorry, and stopped blaming the grandson. They also made amends by reciting a Buddhist sutra and dedicating the merits to their grandson.

When the grandparents started treating the grandson well in spite of the grandson mistreating them, this is analogous to making big deposits into the relationship bank account.

Soon, the grandson would surely start feeling a bit bad that he treats the grandparents so badly when the grandparents keep treating him with patience and tolerance. That's a sign of turning past karma around. Eventually, the son would start treating the grandparents well, which means that the good karmic seeds planted in the past have started to mature and fruit.

We can speculate that if this old couple didn't understand the truth of karma and actually got angered to death by the grandson, what would happen? In a future life, the grandparents would become the grandson's children and get revenge. Moreover, the grandson angering his grandparents to death is a heavy sin, and he would be punished by his own negative karma by being reborn in the evil realms of hell, hungry ghost, or animal.

While we're on this point, it's worth pointing out that sin is separate from debt. To give an analogy, if someone robs $1000 from the bank, that person has the crime of robbery and needs to go to jail. That's the sin. That person also owes the bank $1000. That's the debt.

Collecting a debt is justified. But collecting a debt with harshness, meanness, and excessiveness is a sin, and it will lead to karmic punishment for oneself. The problem is people are poisoned by anger and resentment, and so they create negative karma in the process of collecting debts, which later causes them to be reborn in the evil realms and receive immense suffering.

Although we might not be able to ask a Buddhist master to help us see into past lives, we should firmly believe that the way others treat us now is a result of the way we have treated others in the past. Moreover, the way we treat them now will determine how they treat us in the future.

Warning:

We shouldn't search for people with supernatural powers. Most of the people who say they have supernatural powers out there are scammers. I share this story for educational purposes on karma, not to encourage people to seek out people with supernatural powers.

The Buddha and many of his students also had supernatural powers, which arose naturally from spiritual cultivation. However, the Buddha forbade his students from using supernatural powers because evil spirits also have supernatural powers. If the Buddha actually used supernatural powers, then in the future, people wouldn't be able to discern a true spiritual teacher from evil spirits.

The author of Records of Real Contemporary Karma Cases also did not disclose the identity of the monk who could see past lives because the monk does not want people to search for him. The monk only wishes to help spread the wisdom of karma education.

Story 2: Venerable Jing Kong's Tough Benefactor

Below are stories from the book The Role Modeling of the Old Master. The original book is in Chinese, and I have translated the stories to English.

In his earlier years, Venerable Jing Kong had a benefactor named Ms. Han who supported him financially, providing him a place to live, study, and lecture on Buddhism.

However, Ms. Han was notorious for her bad temper. Many of Venerable Jing Kong's early students decided to leave his side because they couldn't stand Ms. Han's temper.

It is commonly known in Buddhist circles that laypeople should respect monks because monks represent the Buddha. However, there were times when Venerable Jing Kong was lecturing on stage, and then Ms. Han got very angry at something, walked into the lecture room, and demanded Venerable Jing Kong to get off stage, and then she would start blaming him and shouting at him.

When this happened, Venerable Jing Kong did not get upset or argue back. He would apologize sincerely and give a bow. Ms. Han would then have nothing to say. Then Venerable Jing Kong would return to the stage and continue the dharma lecture as if nothing had happened.

Other times, Ms. Han would buy Venerable Jing Kong clothing or shoes that were too big, and then ask him if it fights just right. He would reply, "Yes, it fits just right." Or she would drag him to department stores while she was running errands for hours. Venerable Jing Kong wouldn't complain; instead, he would just find somewhere to sit and read.

Not only did Venerable Jing Kong not complain about Ms. Han, he sincerely and broadly praised her. Many of his students couldn't understand why he viewed Ms. Han so highly. They focused on her numerous faults, but Venerable Jing Kong ignored the faults and only focused on her strengths and kindness.

One time before a dharma lecture started, he was chatting with the audience members. He talked about how difficult it was for Ms. Han to rent these lecture halls, to gather funds, to manage operations. The audience members had previously heard bad things about Ms. Han, but now they saw her in a new light of admiration.

In a speech in 2017 commemorating Ms. Han, Venerable Jing Kong said,

"Ms. Han was a very capable person. She supported me for 30 years, all the way to her final years. Without her support, it would've been as my teacher Mr. Li said: a dead end. From my teacher, I learned the six paramitas: giving, precepts, endurance, diligence, stillness, and wisdom. I practiced these paramitas at Ms. Han's Buddhist center. Without these thirty years, how could I possibly eliminate my afflictions and bad habits? Very difficult. Your situations aren't as good as mine. You don't have someone like Ms. Han grinding you. Honestly speaking, you don't have the patience to endure thirty years of grinding. How can you possibly succeed? You cannot. Thirty years of grinding and training allowed me to succeed in Buddhist cultivation."

Commentary 2:

When I first heard these stories, I just thought about how amazing Venerable Jing Kong's virtues of patience and calmness are. If it were me, I would totally get upset over such rude and unreasonable behavior. Why could he remain so calm?

I speculate that one reason is because he firmly understands karma. Why would Ms. Han dump emotional tantrums on Venerable Jing Kong the most? It's related to the way he treated her in past lives. Just like when the grandparents from the first story understood past life karma, they no longer blamed the grandson, similarly, Venerable Jing Kong did not blame Ms. Han. Ms. Han also vented negative emotions of his students, but not as much as on Venerable Jing Kong. This means that they all treated her badly in the past, but Venerable Jing Kong has the greatest debt.

As mentioned before, people's relationships are usually a mixture of repaying kindness, getting revenge, collecting debt, and repaying debt. Ms. Han also treated Venerable Jing Kong very well in other aspects. She worked extremely hard to support him materially and in promoting Buddhism. That also implies that Venerable Jing Kong must've helped her greatly in the past too, though perhaps with a bad temper.

Venerable Jing Kong also said before that Ms. Han being able to support him is already more than he could hope for or ask for. Therefore, anything that he has to put up with, including her temper, is insignificant compared to the great kindness she has given. This is using morality to guide our thinking.

I'm far behind Venerable Jing Kong's level of cultivation. I sometimes get upset when my mother misunderstands me, doubts me, or says exaggerated criticism. I would blame her for not asking me my intentions or checking the facts with me.

However, I have gotten better by practicing using karma to guide my thinking. I have also misunderstood her and doubted her in the past. And I presume in past lives, I must've done it to her too. Thus, it's inevitable that I receive the karmic retribution of being misunderstood and unfairly criticized. If I can calmly accept it, not only will my spiritual cultivation elevate, I will also plant the seeds for a better future. Indeed, I noticed that when I humbly accept criticism, the negative situation ends very quickly (ending of karmic retribution), and my mom even praises me about it after (appearance of fortune).

Story 3: Money Stolen

Aside from enduring mistreatment from Ms. Han, there was one time Venerable Jing was abroad teaching in the US. Back in Taiwan, his Buddhist center was robbed, and he lost twenty thousand Taiwan dollars. His student was furious, thinking, "Of all places you choose to steal, you choose a Buddhist center! Shame on you!"

He promptly called Venerable Jing Kong and reported the situation. Venerable Jing Kong simply laughed it off.

Commentary 3:

I actually heard this student of Venerable Jing Kong spoke more about this incident. He never asked Venerable Jing Kong why he laughed, but he thought about it himself using karma. He concluded that Venerable Jing Kong, Ms. Han, and him must have stolen money from this robber in a past life, which is why this robber was able to steal money from them this life.

Moreover, Venerable Jing Kong lost the most money, then Ms. Han, then the student himself. Therefore, Venerable Jing Kong must have stolen the most money, then Ms. Han, then the student himself. Perhaps Venerable Jing Kong laughed it off because he understood that this is returning a karmic debt, and he was happy to return the debt. Or he was happy that he felt no anger when hearing "bad" news.

One time I did some work abroad for a university, and the university asked for my phone number to transfer me payment via Alipay. I accidentally mistyped my phone number by one digit. As a result, they sent the money to a different person. I tried to get in touch with the person and explain the situation. However, the person said I was a scammer and refused to transfer the money to me.

I was quite upset at the time and couldn't believe I made such a careless error causing such a big loss. But later, I tried to learn from Venerable Jing Kong and told myself:

Everything is karma. It's not random chance that I just happened to make this dumb error that resulted in the money going to this person of all people. I guess I owe this person from a past life, so getting upset at them now is not justified. Instead, I told myself "I am sorry if I took money unfairly from this person in the past and did not repay it. Let the cycle of debt collection end here with me letting go."

Besides, what's meant to be mine will definitely be mine. If I'm meant to have that money, then even if I don't get it through this channel, it'll come through a different channel in the future. It's not like my life will be severely impacted by this one loss, so I'll just move on.

Conclusion

Good relationships are key to a happy life. But pretty much everyone has conflicts and feels mistreated at times. When we understand karma, we'll be able to face such situations much better.

Broadly speaking, there are four types of karmic relationships: repaying kindness, getting revenge, repaying debt, and collecting debt. Most relationships are a mixture of all four. How others treat us is a result of how we treated them in the past. Therefore, receiving "mistreatment" is actually fair and justified, so we have no basis for getting angry.

Moreover, how we respond now will determine our future karma, and it is also a reflection of our cultivation. If we get angry and retaliate, then that leads to an endless cycle of worsening retaliation. If we instead accept responsibility for our past actions, repent, and make amends, then our cultivation will elevate and our future will be better.

Weekly Wisdom #387