Great Trust Transcends Words

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Recently, a teacher colleague discussed a student situation with me about two elementary school children. She said to me:

"Yesterday at lunch, John was provoking Chelsea by showing off his snacks to her, and Chelsea was quite jealous and upset that she didn't have such snacks. She then threw a broccoli at John. When I saw this, I got very angry and scolded Chelsea for being disrespectful and throwing food. She felt I was being unfair because John started it. But I told her you don't have to react to John, and you certainly don't have to throw food across the table. I told her since she disrespects food, she cannot eat the rest of her lunch, and if she's hungry this afternoon, that's the consequence she has to experience. Chelsea accepted responsibility and the punishment.

Later in the afternoon, Chelsea told me she was hungry. Although I felt bad for her and wanted to give her food, I felt like I needed to keep my word and authority, so I told her that's the punishment for disrespecting food. Do you think I was too harsh on her?"

Note: Although not everyone is a teacher, most of us are probably current parents or future parents, and we may encounter similar situations with children at home. Even if we are not parents or teachers, we may have to mediate conflict for others, so we can still learn something useful from this case. If you were in this teacher's situation, what would you do? After you have your own thoughts, you can continue reading.

I responded:

"First, I think the school is very fortunate to have a teacher like you who cares so much about the students' character development. A lot of other schools and teachers might just tell them to stop making a fuss and finish their lunch quietly. But you saw that this was a teaching opportunity, and you used it to teach the students an important lesson about not responding to provocations and being respectful towards food. Our school puts their character development first, so I really respect what you did.

Since you are asking me if you were too harsh on her, I can infer that deep down, you felt you were too harsh on her. I think that's your sense of conscience speaking. You mentioned that you got very angry at Chelsea. For me, if I notice that my anger is rising, I try to shut my mouth and leave the situation. That's because I know that if I have anger or other negative emotions, I will make the situation worse by speaking. Only with a calm mind can we make the situation better.

Ultimately, we should talk to them about this situation and give appropriate punishment and education. But we need to do it with the intention of helping them, and we can't mix in feelings of anger or blame. Now you are calm, so if you could re-do that whole situation, how might you do it differently?"

She said:

"Yeah you're right. After I went home last night, I still kept thinking about Chelsea and felt bad for making her hungry. I also remembered that scolding kids while they're eating is not good for their digestion. But I wanted to be prompt in responding to the problem. I'm afraid that if I just let it slip by, the effect wouldn't be the same.

Also, to be honest, I was trying to scare John more so than Chelsea. I know that John started this, and when Chelsea threw the broccoli, I think John would have responded by throwing food too, so I immediately went over and was very strict on Chelsea to signal John that such behavior is not allowed. But I think John just smirked, so it didn't have the effect I was hoping for.

If I had to re-do the situation, maybe I wouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. But when Chelsea said she was hungry in the afternoon, I don't know if I would give her something to eat. These kids are spoiled and self-centered as it is, if we give a punishment and then retract it, then wouldn't I be breaking a promise that we both agreed to? And kids might think that they can get whatever they want as long as they plead?"

I said:

"I agree that you shouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. Each person should have a consequence proportionate to their offense. John mocked Chelsea and tried to get her to be jealous. He should have some sort of consequence for that. Chelsea chose to respond by throwing broccoli at John. She got a corresponding punishment that she felt was fair, which was why she didn't argue with you. But maybe later today, you should have a chat with John to tell him that provoking others is not acceptable.

If I were you in that situation, I wouldn't scold them while they are eating because I don't want to ruin their mood and digestion during lunch. I would tell them to finish their lunch quietly, and then have them come talk to me privately during lunch recess.

They might complain that they want to have recess, in which case I'll say you guys misbehaved while eating, so we need to have a chat. I'm sure they can sense that I'm not venting anger on them because I still let them eat their lunch, but at the same time, they know that I'm principled, and I'm not letting them get away with any behavior that crosses the line.

During the chat, I'll say the things you said to Chelsea, and I'll also tell John that provoking others is a very serious offense. Maybe I would give them both detention, and John would need to write an apology letter to Chelsea, and Chelsea would need to tell me what she did wrong. If I think all the kids need to hear the conversation, I could make an announcement later and let everyone know that provoking others or throwing food is not allowed at school and that there will be consequences.

You mentioned that you didn't want to give Chelsea food in the afternoon because you're afraid that you'll be breaking a promise. This reminds me of a quote from the Record on Education:

'Great trust transcends words.'

In other words, using words and contracts is a low level of trust. A high level of trust transcends words. A high level of trust means I trust that you have my best intentions at heart. Maybe at lunch, when Chelsea agreed to the punishment, she didn't foresee how hungry she would be later. If she comes to me later and tells me she's hungry, I would ask her, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry are you? Can you last until the end of school?'

If she is truly starving and can't even focus in class, then I would give her something to eat. I'm sure she wouldn't think the teacher is breaking his word. She would feel that the teacher truly cares for her. Or if she says, 'My hunger level is 7. I don't know if I can last until the end of school', then I might give her some juice to drink. That's technically not breaking my word since juice is not food, but it still gives her some energy. The reason I can think of such a solution is I'm not preoccupied with protecting my reputation; rather, I am focused on what's best for her."

The teacher asked,

"But what if she's not actually that hungry, and she lies and says she's really hungry, and then she thinks she got away with lying to get what she wanted?"

I said,

"You have to make a judgment call, and the way to see things clearly is to be focused purely on her wellbeing. If you're worried about things like your authority or being deceived, then you won't be able to focus on her, and you won't see clearly. If you are purely focused on her, then you will be able to judge from her facial expression, her tone of voice, her body language, her reactions, all of that, you'll be able to judge with a certain level of confidence her true situation, and then you can make the appropriate decision.

From another angle, so what if you get deceived here? If I were Chelsea, and I lied and told my teacher that I'm very hungry, and then the teacher gave me food, maybe I might think I'm very clever. But eventually, I'll realize that this teacher really cares about me, and I'll feel bad for lying to such a nice teacher, and I'd try to treat that teacher better in the future. Ultimately, there is never one correct course of action. As long as we have the proper intentions, the results will naturally align themselves.

Although we can't change the past, you can still create the future. Chelsea is still a kid, and I'm sure she didn't make a big deal out of what happened. She looked normal and happy today. Maybe you can talk to her later today and tell her that you're very impressed and proud of her that she could endure hunger all afternoon yesterday and then give her a hug."

The teacher nodded and thanked me for the advice. I told her,

"Honestly, it's much easier to give advice than to actually do it. Even though I can say this advice, if I were in your actual situation, I probably wouldn't be able to do better. I just recently lost my patience with some other kids. That's why it's helpful to get advice from neutral third parties who don't have emotional baggage around the situation. You have a lot of strengths that I don't have. We're all working on improving ourselves, so let's keep supporting each other!"

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Weekly Wisdom #370