It Takes Two To Argue

There's a proverb that goes,

"It takes two to argue."

Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them.

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Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb.

One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine," and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either," and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.

Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk." Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."

I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"

Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."

Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"

I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"

They remained silent.

I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."

They said, "Oh."

I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."

Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!" Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."

Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class." Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."

I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.

If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you." If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.

Concluding Thoughts

When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict?

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Weekly Wisdom #356