Life Lessons from Coco (2017)

This weekend is Dia de los Muertos (or Day of the Dead) in Mexican culture, and I watched the film Coco (2017) in celebration. I think it is a very heartwarming film suitable for all audiences, and it also won the Best Animated Film award in 2017.

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In this article, I will give a brief summary of the film (spoiler alert) and share my learnings and reflections.

Part 1: Summary

Miguel is a young boy from the Rivera family in a small town called Santa Cecilia. The Rivera family is a family of shoemakers, but Miguel has always felt a calling to be a musician. However, his family shuns music and forbids Miguel from having anything to do with music. Despite this, Miguel built a secret shed where he watched videos from his music idol, the famous Ernesto de la Cruz, and taught himself to play the guitar.

One day, on the Day of the Dead, Miguel accidentally shattered a picture frame of his great-great grandparents. In the picture, his great-great grandfather's head was torn off. When he picked up the picture, he discovered that it was folded on the right side, and when he unfolded it, he saw his great-great grandfather was holding a guitar. And not just any guitar, it was the famous white guitar of Ernesto de la Cruz.

Excited about this discovery, he then announces to his family that he's going to follow in the footsteps of his great-great grandfather and become a musician. Unfortunately, Miguel's family still didn't approve.

His dad said,"We've never known anything about that man. But whoever he was, he still abandoned his family."

His grandma said, "That man's music was a curse! You want to end up like that man? Forgotten? Left off your family ofrenda (altar)?"

Miguel said, "I don't care if I'm on some stupid ofrenda!"

His grandma then got furious and broke Miguel's guitar. Miguel cried and ran away with the words "I don't want to be in this family!"

Miguel ran to the town square in hopes of joining the talent show that night to debut as a musician. However, he needed a guitar, and none of the musicians there would lend him one. He then remembered that de la Cruz's guitar is on display in his shrine, and he decided to go "borrow" (steal) it. When he took the guitar and strummed it, it activated a curse that transported him into the Land of the Dead. As a result, he could see visiting skeletons, and living humans couldn't see him anymore.

Miguel runs into his ancestors who are shocked to see him alive but in the Land of the Dead.

They then take him to Imelda, his great-great grandmother who couldn't cross over to the Land of the Living because Miguel took the picture of his great-great grandparents off the ofrenda. A staff member at the Department of Family Reunion tells him that in order for Miguel to return to the Land of the Living, a family member must give him a blessing.

Imelda then offers her blessing on the condition that Miguel never plays music in the future. Imelda hates her husband for abandoning her with a child to raise because he wanted to chase his dream of being a musician, which is why the whole Rivera family hates music. Miguel agrees, is transported back to the Land of the Living, and then immediately breaks his promise and takes the guitar. As a result, he gets transported back to the Land of the Dead, and Imelda is very angry at him.

Miguel realizes that he needs the blessing of a family member who would let him play music, and the only person who can do that is Ernesto de la Cruz, so he runs off in search of de la Cruz. He runs into a skeleton named Hector who wants to go to the Land of the Living to see his daughter, but no one put up his photo on an ofrenda, so he cannot go. Hector knows de la Cruz, so they made a deal: Hector will help Miguel find de la Cruz, and in return, Miguel will put up a picture of Hector on an ofrenda.

After a series of challenges and adventures, Miguel finally reaches de la Cruz. When de la Cruz was about to give Miguel his blessing, Hector arrives at the scene and reminds Miguel to take his photo to the Land of the Living. However, de la Cruz is unhappy about this, which Hector and Miguel finds really strange. Hector and Miguel then find out that de la Cruz poisoned Hector to steal his songs. De La Cruz, fearing that they might ruin his reputation, then throws Hector and Miguel into a deep ditch.

Inside the ditch, Hector says that he wishes he could see his daughter one last time to tell her how much he loves her, but his daughter is forgetting him, and if she forgets him, Hector will disappear from the Land of the Dead, and he'll never have a chance to see his daughter Coco again. Miguel then realizes that Hector is his true great-great grandfather because Coco is his great grandmother. Moreover, Hector didn't abandon his family. On the contrary, he was trying to go home and chose his family over music, but it was his partner Ernesto de la Cruz who poisoned him and prevented him from going home.

Soon after, Imelda and her spirit guide arrives to save them, they expose the truth about de la Cruz, and Miguel returns to the land of the living and tells the truth to his family. He plays a song for Coco, and Coco then remembers her dad and takes out a photo she kept of him.

Coco also said to the whole family that her dad was a musician, and when she was a little girl, he and mama would sing beautiful songs for her. From then on, the family lifted the ban on music, and everyone commemorated Hector Rivera instead of Ernesto de la Cruz.

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Part 2: Learnings and Reflections

1: The Importance of Ancestral Remembrance

I got interested in Day of the Dead because it is about ancestral remembrance, which is a very big deal in Confucianism and Chinese culture. In the Analects of Confucius, one of Confucius's students named Master Zeng said,

"Attend to funeral matters conscientiously and hold memorial ceremonies with longing. In this way, the virtues of the people will return to abundance."

(Original Text: 慎終追遠，民德歸厚矣。)

Confucianism teaches that out of all virtues, filiality (being a good child) is the first and most important. The core of filiality is gratitude towards parents. When we are grateful for our parents, we would naturally love, respect them, and want to make them happy. When we can respect our parents, we can then respect our siblings and other elders outside the family. When we can respect our siblings, we can then respect peers outside the family.

The thing is, no parent would feel comfortable telling their children, "You should be grateful to me. You should love and respect me. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to give birth to you and then raise you?"

Besides, filiality and goodness can't be demanded or forced out of someone. Children learn from adults' role modeling. If the parents are very filial towards the grandparents and ancestors, the children will naturally learn to be filial to the parents.

Thus we see the importance and value of festivals like Qingming Festival and Day of the Dead. On these festivals, children see all the adults and other children paying respects to ancestors and elders in the family. As a result, children would naturally absorb the idea that respecting the people who came before us is right and important.

In Chinese culture, people have an altar where they put up pictures or name plates of ancestors. On certain holidays (most notably Qingming Festival), they make offerings of food, flowers, incense, candle lights, etc.

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Chinese people also visit ancestral tombs to clean them, remove weeds, make repairs, etc. People also bow or prostrate to the altar and tombstone as a way to show their reverence and gratitude towards ancestors.

I always thought ancestral remembrance is an eastern culture thing, so when I found out that Mexican culture does it too, I naturally wanted to learn about their version of ancestral remembrance.

Mexican culture is very similar. People also have an altar with pictures of ancestors. On Day of the Dead, they make offerings of their ancestors' favorite food and items that were important to ancestors (e.g., a favorite book or instrument). The altar also has flowers and candle light.

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Mexican people also visit ancestral tombstones to clean, sing songs, and talk to their ancestors as if their spirits were there. It's so cool to see all the similarities between the two cultures' version of ancestral remembrance!

2: Family First

A strong theme in the film was the conflict that Miguel faced between chasing his dreams of becoming a musician and his family's wishes for him to become a shoemaker and to stay away from music.

At one point in the movie, his great-great grandmother Imelda says to him, "I'm trying to save you."

Miguel replies, "No! You're ruining my life. Music is the only thing that makes me happy, and you just want to take that away. You'll never understand!"

Imelda then starts singing.

Miguel asks, "I thought you hated music."

Imelda explains that she used to love music and singing with her husband. But after they had Coco, she wanted to put down roots, while he wanted to play for the world. They both made sacrifices to get what they want, and Miguel needs to make a choice.

Miguel responds, "I don't want to pick sides. Why can't you be on my side? That's what family is supposed to do. Support you. But you never will." Miguel then runs off again.

This scene resonated a lot with me. I remember in my early twenties, I had a lot of conflict with my mother. I wanted to make some big decisions, but she didn't support me. In western culture, I was taught that I am responsible for my life, so I must make my own decisions. Regardless if I'm happy or not afterwards, the only person responsible is myself. Thus, I chose to listen to myself instead of my mother, and we had a lot of conflict and tension.

Later, I learned about Confucianism and filiality, and that to make parents unhappy is very immoral. After all, they sacrificed so much to raise us, how could we bear to intentionally make them upset and ignore their feelings? Moreover, from the perspective of karma, being unfilial creates a lot of negative karma, and I indeed encountered a lot of hardship during that time. After I decided to change and mend the relationship with my mother, things started to get better. I became happier and healthier.

Confucianism teaches that the parent-child relationship is the foundation for all other relationships. If we have any trouble with our relationships, we should look to the parent-child relationship to see if we have the same problem there.

For example, if we argue with our spouse, colleagues, or bosses about something, chances are we would do the same to our parents. If we can't even harmonize with our parents, who gave us more than we could ever repay, and who we should naturally love, how could we possibly harmonize with anyone else? This is also why conflict with parents is inherently draining and painful. People can try to distract themselves from that guilt, but it'll always be there in the background sapping away energy. I believe that if Miguel truly sacrificed family for music, he would have guilt in the back of his mind because everyone has a moral conscience.

3: Everyone Needs to Learn Conflict Resolution

Although we should put family first, that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice ourselves and just blindly do everything our family demands. What I learned in western culture still holds true: only we alone can take responsibility for our decisions and our life. This concept does not conflict with putting family first.

If we want something and our family wants something else, what do we do? We patiently communicate until there is common understanding. When we truly understand them and they truly understand us, we'll naturally reach a shared agreement, and then we can go with that decision with a peaceful conscience.

What we don't want to do is copy what Miguel and his grandmother did (get angry, speak hurtful words, break guitars, run away from home…). At the root is our attitude. We shouldn't oppose our family, as if they are our enemies. We should remember that our family naturally loves us, and although they might not agree with us in terms of the matter, their goal is for our long-term wellbeing. Our goal is also for our long-term wellbeing, which means we have the same goal, and we are on the same team, so harmony is definitely possible.

In Miguel's case, he is only a child, and his elders are quite stubborn and controlling, so it's quite hard for Miguel to persuade them, but it's not impossible. It just takes time and sincerity. If he worked hard to fulfill his family's wishes and becomes a great shoemaker, his family would become very proud of him and trust him. When he has his family's admiration and trust, and then he questions about the rationale for banning music, he would have more persuasive power.

Perhaps the family says, "Because your great-great grandfather was a musician and he abandoned this family, so music is a curse to our family."

Miguel could reply, "I completely agree that abandoning the family for music is morally unacceptable. But I don't understand why music is a curse. I see lots of musicians out there who take good care of their family. Music is a big part of our people's culture. Is it possible that we might be creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves by trying to keep music away? Also, if my great-great grandpa was a bad role model for musicians, then if I become a good role model for musicians, wouldn't that be making up for his mistakes?"

Perhaps one conversation might not be enough, but as long as Miguel remains patient, sincere, and considerate towards the family, eventually his family would realize that they are being irrational and unfair to Miguel.

From the perspective of the elders in the family, they should also be more considerate towards Miguel. No kids likes to make their parents upset. No kid thinks it's a happy thing to hate your family so much that you'd want to run away. How did this all happen? Because the adults were too demanding and made the child feel suffocated.

Again, we shouldn't have the attitude of "it's either my way or your way". Instead, we should focus on understanding each other, on why each person wants what they want, and then see if there are other options that can help everyone get what they want.

I can understand that the family believes music is cursed and will bring back luck to the family, hence why they don't want Miguel to touch music. But they have to have the empathy to see that Miguel is just a child, and he doesn't view music as a curse. If they don't want Miguel to touch music, they have to help Miguel also see that music is a curse. Simply forcing him to not touch music isn't enough. In fact, it would just make him seek music in secret when they're not looking.

Perhaps they could share stories of many bad musician role models who were irresponsible to their family, and this is why they don't want Miguel to spend time with musicians. Or they share stories of how the family has encountered all sorts of bad luck whenever they touched music. In this way, Miguel won't feel like the family is unreasonable. Of course, if the family can't find any good reasons, then they should reflect on whether or not they are being unreasonable.

Also, when Miguel grows up, the family should respect Miguel's autonomy more. He is the driver of his life. His family members are support roles. It would be inappropriate for someone in the passenger seat to grab the wheel from the driver. If his family still forced Miguel to do things that he really doesn't want to do when he is an adult, that's not called love, that's called being controlling, and Miguel would resent them for it.

Relating back to ourselves, we have to do our role well, not demand others to do their roles well. If we are the child and our family isn't supportive, we need to be sincere, earn their trust, and communicate patiently. If we are the elders and our children aren't listening, then we should reflect on ourselves: Are we being too demanding and controlling? How can we help them feel heard and understood?

4: The Importance of Being A Good Role Model

When Miguel ran off with Hector, Hector put some make-up on Miguel to look like a skeleton. That way, no one would know he's from the Land of the Living. Then there was a short scene where Miguel was copying Hector's walking style.

Hector said, "What are you doing?"

Miguel said, "I'm walking like a skeleton."

Hector said, "Skeletons don't walk like that."

Miguel said, "It's how you walk."

Hector said, "No I don't. Stop it!"

In actuality, Hector indeed walked like that. It reminds of the saying,

"Kids don't do what their parents say. They do what their parents do."

Miguel's family might be upset at Miguel for being so rash, stubborn, and running away from them. But how did Miguel develop that kind of personality? Where did Miguel learn those traits? Isn't it from the elders in the family? We also saw how stubborn and quick-tempered his grandma was. So if they want Miguel to be more humble and understanding, they need to model that behavior for Miguel.

Miguel was also heavily influenced by his hero, Ernesto de la Cruz, who said things like, "I have to play. I have to sing. The music, it's not just in me, it is me", "The rest of the world may follow the rules, but I must follow my heart", "I am done asking for permission. When you see your moment, you mustn't let it pass you by. You must seize it."

Miguel often watched and re-watched tapes of de la Cruz saying these things, so he would often think these same thoughts. It's because of him that Miguel would value music over his family and not care about rules or getting permission. From the perspective of karma, Miguel has the main responsibility for listening to de la Cruz, but de la Cruz also has some responsibility for misguiding an ignorant child to be unfilial towards his family.

The thing with bad influences is that a lot of the things they say seem good, but there's a small portion that is improper and deadly. It's like how a glass of water only needs a drop of poison to be poisonous. Therefore, we need to be very careful when judging if someone is a good or bad role model.

In the case of de la Cruz, he said some reasonable things like, "I had to have faith in my dream. No one was going to hand it to me. It was up to me to reach for it and make it come true." But the other improper things he said make him a bad influence regardless of the good things he said.

Relating back to us, we need to be very cautious about our own role models and the role models of our children. Bad role models taint our thinking. Our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our life. Thus, prolonged exposure to bad role models would eventually bring disaster.

Conclusion

I really enjoyed watching Coco, not just for the beautiful animations, but for all the food-for-thought that the film offers. These are just my learnings and reflections, and I'm sure there are many others. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them. Lastly, thank you to ancestors for all that you've done for our family lineage, and happy Dia de los Muertos to everyone!

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Weekly Wisdom #366