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This year was a special year for me. Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin suggests people to pick a one-word theme for their year as a way to make that year special and boost happiness. I decided to pick the word “selflessness”.
Why did I pick this word? Two reasons:
Selflessness brings true happiness.
Selflessness eliminates suffering.
Reason 1: Selflessness brings true happiness
Everyone just wants to be happy in life. But what exactly is "happiness"? Our understanding of "happiness" will affect how we seek it, and it would be a terrible tragedy to seek the wrong thing. Nowadays, many people think happiness is an emotional high or pleasure that comes from external stimulation, such as food, sex, drugs, entertainment, shopping, travel, praise, etc. These are all fleeting pleasures that lead to a feeling of lack and craving afterwards, which is really a form of suffering.
True happiness should be long-lasting, and it shouldn't have negative side effects like craving. To give an analogy, these external stimulations are like cheap chocolate, while true happiness is like high-quality chocolate. Once you've had the high quality stuff, you naturally don't desire the cheap quality stuff anymore. This year, I wrote an article titled Cultivate Internal Joy, and it talks about four sources of long-lasting happiness:
Good relationships
Helping others
A clear conscience
Self-improvement
Humans are social beings, and for most of us, we have to interact with different people many times in our daily lives. If we have good relationships with those around us, then we would get so many doses of happiness and positive energy in those daily interactions. Helping others and giving more is a key to good relationships, and anyone who's sincerely helped others without wanting anything return knows that it brings out an inner joy within us.
Thirdly, everyone has a moral conscience. To listen to that conscience, and to be able to say confidently that we live morally and we have nothing to hide or nothing to be ashamed of, this gives us peace of mind and self-contentment. Finally, seeing our own improvement also brings out an inner joy.
Notice that all these things relate to selflessness. When we are self-centered, we tend to create conflict in relationships, and we are more likely to do immoral things. When we are selfless and focused on benefiting others, we will give others more understanding and kindness, we then gain the joy of helping others, and our conscience will feel nourished and at ease. As for self-improvement, it's very tough to change our bad habits, so we need a lot of motivation. Those who only think about themselves can be motivated to improve themselves, but that motivation would be much stronger if we have a purpose greater than ourselves.
Reason 2: Selflessness Eliminates Suffering
Think about it: what’s the root cause of our suffering? Many ancient philosophers teach us that the root of our suffering is desire. Indeed, when we want something very badly and cannot obtain it, we suffer negative emotions, such as unhappiness, resentment, anger, sadness, craving, hopelessness, etc.
Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean all desire is bad. There are good desires, such as wanting to improve ourselves and to help others. There are also bad desires, such as those that are excessive, unreasonable, or inappropriate, and ancient philosophers teach us to curb such desires. Examples include being greedy to have more of something than what we really need, or demanding others to be different.
But even more fundamental than desire is the attachment to “self”. Every single thought we have, everything we do, it’s all for the self. The Buddha taught that there are five mental afflictions or poisons: greediness, anger, delusion, arrogance, and doubt. These afflictions or poisons bring us suffering.
When these afflictions arise, we immediately feel negative emotions, and then if we act on these afflictions, we’ll plant negative karmic seeds and attract negative results. For example, if we indulge in sensory pleasures, we’ll become slaves to desire and hurt our health. If we let our anger loose, we’ll destroy relationships and opportunities. If we act deludedly and irrationally, we’ll definitely bring harm to ourselves. If we act arrogantly, nobody will like us, and they might even want to hurt us. Doubting ourselves makes us feel terrible, and doubting others leads to conflict.
What’s the root of these five afflictions? The attachment to I. Greediness is when I really want something. If there is no I, then where is the greediness? Anger arises when I really want something but can’t get it. Delusion comes when I really want something, causing me to lose rationality. Arrogance or ego arises when I desire to be better than others or when I feel hurt or misunderstood. Doubt happens when I doubt myself and others. When there is no I, there is no suffering.
Now, you might be thinking, that sounds fine in theory, but it doesn’t sound very practical or realistic. How can anyone possibly not have an I? Indeed, it’s very difficult to let go of this deeply unconscious attachment to the idea of I. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The Buddha and many people in the past have succeeded, and in doing so, they became enlightened.
The Buddha gave a method for letting go of I in the Infinite Life Sutra:
“View all living beings as myself.”
We are always thinking about ourselves, about what we want and don’t want, about how to benefit ourselves and avoid harm for ourselves. This increases our attachment to I. So instead, we replace those thoughts with thoughts of what others want and don’t want, with thoughts of how to benefit others and help them avoid harm. Venerable Master Jing Kong explained:
“Think of benefiting others’ with every thought.”
This teaching is ingenious. If the Buddha simply told us, “Stop thinking about yourself and what you want or don’t want”, we’d think, “If you tell me to not think about the self, I automatically think of myself.” So the Buddha teaches us to think about others, and in the process of thinking about others, we naturally forget I. This reminds me of a quote by Gandhi:
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
The way I interpret it is that we find a sense of fulfillment, contentment, and spiritual happiness when we forget ourselves in the service of others. It’s not just the Buddha and Gandhi that advocate for this idea. The Daoist sage Lao Zi said in the Treatise on Attraction and Response:
“View others’ gains as my own gains. View others losses’ as my own losses.”
And it’s not just eastern philosophers that have this idea. The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said:
“What injures the hive, injures the bee.”
“Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.”
When I saw all these ancient philosophers advising me to practice selflessness, I decided to give it a try for a month. A month became a few months, and a few months became my one-word theme for the year.
When I truly took this teaching to heart, I noticed that a lot of things that would make me unhappy in the past lose their edge (because I focus on others), I avoid creating a lot of negative karma (such as getting into conflicts with others or unintentionally offending others), and I also proactively create a lot more positive karma (by helping others, others naturally want to help me back). Indeed, I feel like my mental afflictions are lighter, and I feel a greater sense of ease, inner peace, and contentment in life, and I sometimes feel happy without needing a particular reason for it.
In my practice of selflessness this year, I’ve discovered five major aspects that require effort:
Putting others before me and above me
Empathy
Advising others
Etiquette
Thinking of the bigger picture
1: Putting others before me and above me
To go from thinking of myself with every thought, whether conscious or unconscious, to suddenly thinking about others with every thought is quite a big leap, and it’s not easy. Therefore, I started by simply putting others before myself. Even though I haven’t forgotten the I, I can at least put others above myself.
At first, it feels tough, like I’m forcing myself to sacrifice myself for others. But afterwards, I feel like I overcame myself and gained the joy of spiritual growth. It’s like when I don’t feel like going for a run, but after I do it, I feel happy and proud of myself.
1.1: Time Allocation
One application of this idea is in how I schedule and spend my time. When I look at my to-do list during the day, or when others ask me to do something, I prioritize others first. Of course, this has to be balanced with reason and wisdom. If others have an important and urgent task, I will communicate about a timeline and confirm exactly how urgent it is. If it is quite urgent, I will prioritize them first. If it’s not that important or urgent, but it’s quick, I can still prioritize them. If it’s not that urgent, and I have other important urgent matters myself, then I’ll do those things first, and I’ll let them know around what time I can do their task.
When I have to help multiple people, I need to get the order of priority correctly and let each person know when I will do their task. As long as I order my priorities correctly, then regardless if I could finish everything on my to-do list, I’ll have peace of mind and an easy conscience.
For example, this past year, I took some classes in sinology (ancient Chinese philosophy). Most of the classes were taught in Chinese, but there was one class that was all taught in English. My five classmates were from China, so their English wasn’t as good as mine. In that class, I could’ve prioritized myself over them, but since I wanted to practice selflessness, I decided to prioritize them over myself.
I would actually help them with their homework first even if it meant lowering the quality of my homework. This is also fine with me because I don’t need a high grade. I was willing to sacrifice my own grade to help my classmates get a higher grade and learn more English.
What was the result? When I saw them get a good grade, I was even more happy for them than they were. This is a kind of happiness that money cannot buy. Our relationships also improved, and they were eager to help me in the other courses. Good karma came around fast.
Another example is interruptions. I used to get very annoyed when people interrupt me during the middle of my work session. I would tell them that I’ll help them after I finish my task at hand. But this is putting myself above others. When I view others as above me, I then willingly stop what I’m doing, turn around to face them, and give them my full attention. If I judge their request as not urgent, then I’ll respectfully ask if it’s OK that I do it later. The result is still the same: I do their task later. However, I don’t get annoyed at others anymore, and I instead let them feel respected.
Sometimes, people don’t necessarily ask me for help, but I notice that they could use some help. For example, one time I was going to my room after lunch for an afternoon nap. But then I noticed a classmate was a bit sad, so I prioritized giving him some active listening and advice first. I ended up not napping that day, but I felt it was worth it because I could help someone in their time of need.
1.2: Following Others’ Wishes and Yielding to Resolve Conflicts
Conflicts are a major source of unhappiness and suffering in life. In the past, I used to fear disagreements, and I would get really annoyed and frustrated during conflicts or misunderstandings. After a year of practicing selflessness (as well as the years before of cultivating virtues), I've had noticeable improvement in the face of disagreement and misunderstandings. I certainly still get annoyed, but the degree is much less, and I can extinguish that flame before it becomes big and causes major damage.
Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable in life, so if we can have confidence in ourselves that we can overcome any conflict in a positive manner, that's a big source of peace and contentment in life. The key is to let go of (at least dampen) what I think and feel, which then allows us to help them feel understood and heard, to be patient with them, and then from that understanding and patience, we can find a solution to the problem.
Stoicism teaches that we should focus on what we can control and let go of the rest, and how others' behave is not in our control. So if they are stubborn in their views, I will do my best to advise them with a caring intention in a manner that resonates with them. If they still don't listen, then I have an easy conscience in knowing that I did my best, and only they are responsible for their decision.
Perhaps after they've experienced the consequences, they might realize that they should've listen to me, and since I didn't force them or blame them, they'll gain more respect for me and maybe proactively seek my advice next time.
But if I force them to listen to me, then they'll be upset at me regardless of the result. If the result is bad, they'll definitely blame me. If the result is good, they'll think, "Yeah but if I didn't listen to you and instead did things my way, the result could be better", and next time they might say, "I already yielded to you last time. It's time you yield to me." Therefore, resolving a conflict by forcing the other person to listen to us is almost always a bad idea.
If we really can't find a middle ground, and someone has to yield, then I'm willing to yield because I want to scrape away my attachment to I. The prerequisite though, is that the matter is not a big deal (i.e., not going to cause significant harm), and most of the time, it really isn't a big deal.
Although I’m not at the level where there is no I who opposes them, I can at least dampen the I and view others as more important than myself. It’s kind of like if I’m with the president of my country, I would of course yield to the president and not insist that the president yields to me.
For example, one of my friend’s girlfriend planned a surprise birthday party for him and invited me. This party was far away and a bit late at night. When I told my mother about it, she didn’t feel comfortable with me going. At first, I was a bit annoyed because I felt like her feelings are a bit unreasonable. After all, my friend’s birthday is just once a year.
But I told myself to let go of what I think, and instead put my mom above myself. If she’s not comfortable with me going, then fine, I won’t go. I’ll just send a gift to my friend instead. It’s not that big of a deal. No need to get upset and argue about it. In this way, I prevented an uneasy conscience, addressed my mom's concern, and still attained my goal of doing something for my friend's birthday.
Other times, people around me want to do things a different way than I would, and I often think their way is less efficient or unnecessary, or they don't understand that their way is not as good as my way. There are countless little disagreements like this in daily life, and if we fuss about them every time, that would add up to a lot of trouble. Thus, yielding and following others' wishes, especially for these small matters, helps to save us from a lot of unnecessary trouble and scrape away that stubborn habit of self-centeredness. This habit is indeed very deeply ingrained, so perseverance in practice is very important.
1.3 Shared Resources
At my school, we have a buffet style cafeteria, where we take food that we want from trays. There are some foods that are more popular than others, so when I see them, I remind myself to take less and leave more for others because others are more important, and I should view others’ gains as my own gains.
Sometimes, I might go for seconds. If there’s still more of those delicious food, then I can take a bit more. Usually, that food is already gone, in which case I praise myself for doing my part to make sure everyone got their share of that delicious food.
2: Empathy
Empathy is understanding others and seeing things from their perspectives. When we truly understand others, we won’t think they are unreasonable, and we won’t have such strong opposition or conflict with them. We’ll also naturally want to help them and know how to help them.
2.1: Conflicts
Putting others first might feel forced sometimes because I think they are being unreasonable. In the previous example of my mom not wanting me to go to that late night party, I felt like I yielded to my mother because I felt her demand was kind of unreasonable. Therefore, I really have to put in effort to think from her perspective and feel that it is understandable and reasonable for her to feel the way she feels. I know on an intellectual level that she dislikes going out, especially when it is dark, cold, and late at night, but I don’t actually understand her feelings.
I then tried to put myself in her shoes. If I am a parent, and my child wants to drive to a far-away restaurant on a cold, dark night, how would I feel? Well, if my son were a very responsible person, which I think I am, I probably wouldn’t worry that much and let him go. But can I say that I would have no worries at all? No, I’d probably stay up and wait for my son to come home, and I would feel relieved after he comes home. And why is my son making friends with people who like to party at night? That’s a reason for concern too. And then I have to adjust for the fact that my mother worries a lot easier than me, so if I feel a little bit worried, she’d feel even more worried. From this thought-exercise, I could better understand her, and then I could willingly follow her wishes and view her gain (of peace of mind) as my own.
2.2: Helping Others
As mentioned earlier, Venerable Jing Kong said, “Think of benefiting others with every thought.” Well, the prerequisite to benefiting others is to first understand others. Otherwise, we might commit the crime of “loving you without your permission”, where we impose onto others what we think is good for them, but they don’t really want it.
For example, I wanted to offer my classmates the opportunity to have daily English chats with me. My intention is to help them improve their English, but I don’t know if they really want this, or if they might feel like this is a burden. So when I told them my idea, I made sure to say, “The prerequisite is that you have the interest and the time. If you’re not interested or don’t have the time, then don’t worry about it.”
I also asked each classmate individually and paid careful attention to their reaction. After all, sometimes people might feel pressured to say yes; otherwise, they’ll seem unappreciative or lazy to reject such an offer. If I sense any uneasy energy, then I would know to back off and not take up their time. I would also observe their emotions during these English chats to see if they are enjoying and benefiting from them. If not, I would ask how we can make these English chats more useful for them. If I notice they are very busy recently, I would ask if they’d like to postpone the English chat to a later time when they’re less busy.
Some classmates told me, “But you’re very busy too. Are you sure you have the time to do this?” I then told them, “It’s OK, it’s a good break for me! Besides, our homeroom teacher told me to help you guys with English, and I want to do my best to fulfill his wish, so you’re helping him and me if you have the time to do English chats.” In this way, they will feel happy to have the English chat and not feel like they’re burdening me.
3: Advising others
I’ve noticed that it’s easy to be impatient, impolite, overly direct, and overly demanding towards family members because we’re so close and used to them, and we tend not to advise those we’re less close to in fear of misunderstandings and hassle. Neither of these are considerate or kind.
If we are trying to benefit others with every thought, then we’d definitely advise others, and we’d find a suitable method and an appropriate time to do so. We’d also be patient for them to change rather than demanding immediate change. Moreover, everyone needs more encouragement and affirmation nowadays, so when advising others, it’s important to first affirm their goodness, to let them see that we have their best intentions in mind, and to give encouragement.
3.1: Towards family
When I’m at home with my mother, we set a meeting time after dinner every day to be open communication time. Thus, even if I see some behavior that I don’t completely agree with during the day, I’ll wait until our after-dinner meeting to bring it up. Otherwise, she might (as anyone would) debate with me out of instinct. But when it’s our set meeting time, we are mentally prepared for mutual advice giving, and we’re not rushed or distracted by other things, so it’s a suitable time to give advice.
Moreover, I have to be empathetic and humble. So I first ask her why she behaved that way. Then I affirm her good intentions before sharing my perspective and advice. At the end, I remain humble by saying, “These are just my perspectives, and it’s just for your consideration.” After all, it would be quite rude and inappropriate if I lectured my elders as if I'm above them.
3.2 Towards others
At school, I noticed some faults in some classmates. If I weren’t practicing selflessness, I’d probably avoid the hassle of trying to advise them since they are the ones that will suffer from their faults, not me. But since I am practicing seeing others as myself, I decided to spend mental energy and effort to find ways to advise them in a way that they would be comfortable with.
For example, I noticed two classmates are often very agitated and easily startled. I talked to our homeroom teacher about it, and he said he’s working on advising them too. To help out, I would look for suitable opportunities to advise them to cultivate serenity (this is also emphasized in our sinology classes). When they speak really fast to me, I might purposely respond in a slow voice and say, “Oh sorry, my mind is a bit slow, so it was a bit hard for me to keep up with your talking speed. Let me check I understood you. Did you say _____?”
We have calligraphy class, and one day, I decided to write “serene” using calligraphy on a sticky note and put it on my notebook. I then wrote two more sticky notes and gave it to those classmates as a friendly reminder to practice serenity. They were not offended and could feel my caring but respectful intention. I also did not expect or demand them to change right away, and I didn’t get impatient when they continued being agitated. I know change takes time, and my moral duty is simply to give suitable reminders at appropriate times.
There was another classmate who had an unsightly habit of scratching and rubbing her nose very slowly. It is a very awkward topic to bring up, but I thought about the fact that she probably isn’t aware that this habit would cause others to have a negative impression on her, so I still went through the hassle of advising her. I waited weeks for a suitable opportunity.
Finally, I ran into her when she was alone in the library, and that morning I noticed her doing it again, so I asked her if I could tell her something. She said OK. And I very politely said, “I think you dress really well, and you’re quite an elegant person. But I noticed you sometimes like to slowly scratch your nose, and it’s kind of surprising to see that from such an elegant person, you know? I just don’t want others to get a negative impression of you because of it. That’s all.” She replied that she indeed has this habit, and that she appreciated my good intentions, and she’ll work on it.
4: Etiquette
The spirit of etiquette is consideration and respect for others. It's natural human sentiment to dislike rude people and to like polite people. If we've never learned about etiquette, we might unintentionally do rude things and offend people without even realizing it. I've certainly done that many times, so it's important to learn about etiquette. A great resource is the Guide To A Happy Life, which has many teachings on daily etiquette.
Here are some examples from my practice:
When calling others on the phone, first ask them if it’s a convenient time for them to talk.
Before speaking to a person, first observe the whole situation and see if they are busy and if the environment is a suitable place to talk. (I’ve made this mistake many times).
When others give me a snack, aside from just saying thank-you, it would be even better if I eat a bit right there and then and then tell them that it tastes good.
When walking with elders and we encounter a door, I should rush ahead to open the door for elders.
Whether sitting down, getting up, or leaving, let elders go first.
When eating, let elders take the first bite. If elders aren’t finished eating yet, I should try not to finish. Otherwise, they’ll feel pressured to hurry up if they see I’m waiting for them to finish before I can leave. If elders are finished before me, I should finish quickly to not keep them waiting.
Don’t interrupt others when they are talking. Practice active and patient listening.
Don’t forget to return things to the person you borrowed it from in a timely manner. (One time I forgot to ask when I should return it, and then I just forgot to return it, and the owner had to come ask me for it back. Oops.)
Don’t speak about other people’s bad points in group settings. (Sometimes I do this unintentionally or accidentally).
Don’t show off your good points in front of others. (For example, as the only native English speaker, I usually don’t take initiative to speak English with my classmates. I wait for them to speak English to me first, then I respond in English).
Clean up after yourself. For example, wipe the table after eating. Or after using the sink, wipe the counter dry.
These are simply some examples that I’ve encountered in my daily life this past year. Everyone’s situation is different, so it’s important that we apply the spirit of etiquette appropriately to our unique situations.
5: Thinking Of The Bigger Picture
When it comes to “thinking of benefiting others with every thought”, sometimes it’s just one person, but sometimes many people are involved in a matter, in which case we need to think from the perspectives of all the people implicated. Otherwise, we might accidentally upset and cause trouble to others in the process of trying to be kind to someone else.
5.1: Social Settings
For example, during meal times, my classmates might take initiative to speak English with me because they want to practice their English. But sometimes, there’s an elder at our table who doesn’t know English. In this case, I respond in Chinese to that person to hint that we should be speaking Chinese. Otherwise, we are neglecting the feeling of that elder and making him feel ignored and left out.
Our meal tables can seat 6 people. One time, there were 7 of us lined up. The first five people already sat down at a table. I’m the 6th one, so I decided to sit at a new table. This way, the last person would know to sit with me, and there wouldn’t be one person left out to sit at another table by himself. Other times, there might be 6 of us already sitting and eating, and then a 7th person comes late and sits at a table by themselves. In that case, I would take my food over to their table and accompany them.
5.2 Work Settings
During meetings, it’s important to think about whether we need each and every person to be present. Sometimes, I have to attend evening meetings, and the meeting might go overtime. When this happens, the leader says, “Sorry, it seems like we’ll need to go overtime. But this matter only concerns these people, so for the other people, if you need to go, feel free to do so.”
Another example is when asking a colleague for help, we should ask that colleague’s manager rather than asking that colleague directly; this is showing respect towards the colleague’s manager. But if others directly ask me to do work, I won’t be annoyed and say, “You should ask my manager.” Instead, I’ll politely say, “OK, I will double check with my manager first and then get back to you.” If the next time they still forget to ask my manager, I might say, “I think it should be OK. But let’s go check with my manager first since I have to get his permission anyway.”
There was also a time when we were seeing off some teachers and leaders of the school. The top leader was sitting on the left side of the car, so most people were standing on the left side of the car waving to the top leader. Only my mentor went to the right side of the car to wave to the teacher sitting on the right side. When I saw this, I immediately went to the right side. Indeed, we shouldn’t let anyone feel neglected.
Conclusion
This year has been quite a gratifying year for me because I’ve been working on selflessness and had some noticeable improvement. My mind feels more at ease and contented, my relationships are more harmonious, and I can resolve conflicts easier. But one year is just a starting point, and I still have a lot of room for improvement, so I need to keep persisting in this practice of selflessness.
Weekly Wisdom #321
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