Others Can't Pressure You

Alex Chen
Aug 3
3 min read

This past week, I went out with my mother to the mall to run some errands. Before going out, I went through the shoe closet to look through all my shoes because I wanted to pick a pair to leave at my workplace. My mom hadn't come to the door yet, so I was trying on various shoes and deciding which one to pick.

When my mother came down, she said, "Oh did I keep you waiting? Sorry about that."

I said, "No it's fine. I'm just trying on shoes to pick one to leave at my workplace. I think I'll bring this one."

Later when we arrived at the mall, we realized we forgot something at home. My mom said, "If you didn't rush me, I wouldn't have forgotten to bring it."

I was quite speechless because I didn't feel like I rushed her at all. I said, "I rushed you?"

She said, "Yeah, when I came downstairs, you already had your shoes on."

I said, "Like I said earlier, I was just trying on shoes to pick one for work. But I'm sorry if you felt rushed. I'm equally careless to have forgotten the thing."

Later, after we returned home, I decided to talk to my mom about this problem because it's a shared problem that we both have to overcome. I said:

"We both learn Buddhism, and the Law of Cause and Effect teaches us that our feelings are the result, outside events are conditions, and our own mind is the cause. So you can't actually blame me for your feelings of being rushed, especially when I already told you I was just trying on shoes, and I didn't have an impatient look or tone of voice.

I bring this up because it's a big problem. I remember when I was in Malaysia before, I was practicing driving (they drive on the opposite lane compared to North America, so I had to practice). On the road, people were driving quite fast, and I felt really pressured that the car behind me would think I'm driving too slowly. As a result, I got nervous, lost focus, and hit something. So feeling pressured by others is a big problem, and it literally led to me damaging a car.

This time it's forgetting something at home. Next time it's doing something we don't want to do and feeling resentful. Another time it could be crashing a car. But the root cause is our own mind. Others can't force us to feel anything. We have to let go of the fear of being criticized or judged by others. We need to know what's right and appropriate and affirm ourselves. We have to practice being calm in daily life. I'm not saying it's easy, but we have to recognize the root of the problem and work on it to prevent bigger trouble in the future.

Now when I drive, I make sure I abide by the speed limit. I still sometimes encounter drivers who will speed up behind me, switch lanes, rush ahead, then switch back to be in front of me. Or I'll just be driving at the speed limit, but the cars beside me are clearly driving faster. Regardless, I don't let myself feel pressured by them. I know I'm in the right, and if they think I'm dumb for following the speed limit, then so be it. Their opinions aren't worth my thought."

My mother agreed with me, and we will both continue to work on it. I share this story because I think feeling pressured by others is a common thing, and I hope others don't have to hit a car to learn this lesson like I did. Moreover, when it comes to cultivation, there is no small or big matter. Everything is a matter of the mind, which means everything is an important matter that deserves attention and reflection.

Weekly Wisdom #353