The Importance of Etiquette in Daily Life

Alex Chen
Jul 6
7 min read

Updated: 4 days ago

I recently read this news article about a sign that a coffee shop in Richmond posted outside their shop. The coffee shop is called CUPS Coffee & Tea, and the sign reads: "Small coffee $5.00. Small coffee, please $3.00. Hello, one small coffee please $1.75."

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Austin Simmons, the employee who wrote the sign, said, "I decided because I need to solve all the injustices of the world to start charging more for people who didn't take the time to say hello and connect and realize we're all people behind the counter,"

He wrote the sign on Sunday, and by Monday, it was in a newspaper in England. This sign applies not just to a cup of coffee, but to all requests. If we have good etiquette, people would be happy to help us; bad etiquette, and people would be reluctant.

Although the sign might be a joke, like many jokes, there is often some truth behind it. The fact that this picture got picked up by the press and became viral on Reddit means that it really struck a chord with people. In other words, people inherently and naturally value politeness and etiquette.

As a teacher at a summer camp, I encounter some rude and naughty children. People are naturally less fond of impolite children. Yet when these exact same children suddenly say something polite like "good morning teacher" or do something polite like share their snacks, we suddenly like them more and have more faith in their future.

Confucius said,

"If one does not learn etiquette, one will be unable to establish oneself in society."

Society is founded on interpersonal relationships. If we have poor etiquette and manners, we are bound to have many interpersonal conflicts, and we might offend others without even realizing it. Moreover, we tend to neglect etiquette more with the people closest to us, such as our family members, which is also a reason why people tend to have more conflicts with family members.

For example, I was chatting with a friend in his room the other night, and he remembered that he needed to call his girlfriend to tell her something. When he picked up the phone, he got straight to the topic. After he hung up, I advised him that it might be better if he first said, "Hey are you free right now? I need to tell you something. This would make her feel more respected."

Etiquette like this might seem like a small thing, but small things happen frequently in daily life, which means the impact of small things add up quickly over time to become a big thing. Below are some more examples.

General

When asking for something, say please.
When others help you, say thank you.
After waking up, say good morning to those you live with.
Before going to bed, say good night to those you live with.
Before going out, let the people in your house know. After coming back, let them know.
Wear clothing that is suitable for the occasion. Check that your clothing is worn properly (e.g., buttons, zippers, etc.).
Before going out, make sure you are clean and tidy. Have good hygiene.
Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take you time."
When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me.
Walk behind elders. When there's a door, go ahead to open the door for them.
When elders call you to help them, go promptly. When you're done, leave slowly. If you leave really quickly, it feels like you're very eager to leave, as if you're unhappy to help them.
Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood.
Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space.
When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long.
When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths.
When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people.
If others do us a big favor, give a gift as a token of appreciation.
If you borrow something, try to return it in the same condition or better.
Try to arrive 10 minutes early. It shows respect for the person and the matter.
If you make a mess, promptly clean it up yourself. Don't leave it for someone else.
If you see someone struggling (e.g., elderly, parents with strollers), offer to help.
Give up your seat on public transit for those who need it more.
Give holiday greetings to people whom you may not contact frequently but have helped you a lot in the past. It's a way to show you still remember them.

Conversation

When others share bad news with you, don't talk about your good news and vice versa.
Don't brag or boast about yourself. Be humble.
When others are speaking, look at them and listen attentively. Don't look at your phone, and don't interrupt.
In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private.
Most people need encouragement not criticism. If we need to give criticism, make sure it's in private and do so with a caring attitude. Also, give some praise first before giving constructive criticism.
When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener.
When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand.
Don't dominate conversations.
Respect different opinions. If you disagree, do so respectfully and try to be understanding.
Apologize sincerely when you’ve hurt or inconvenienced someone.

Work

Be professional at work. Be mindful of your language, behavior, and conversation topics.
Start with a bit of chit chat before talking about business. Show consideration and interest in their life.
Avoid calling or messaging others late at night when they are about to rest or right before work ends. For emails, you can use an email scheduler to send it during work hours.
Keep your workspace tidy. It reflects your professionalism.
Respect deadlines and others’ time. Don’t procrastinate on team tasks.
Give credit where it’s due. Acknowledge others’ contributions.
If you’re running late or need to cancel a meeting, inform others as early as possible.
Avoid speaking negatively about colleagues or gossiping.

Dining

Don't eat and talk at the same time. Chew with your mouth closed.
If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you.
For shareable dishes, offer others to get some first. Don't take the biggest piece yourself first. Use the communal utensils.
After a meal at a restaurant, try to clean up the table a bit to reduce the work for the restaurant staff. Say thank you before leaving.
If with elders, let elders go first. For example, let elders take the first bite, wait for them to get up before you get up, wait for them to sit down before you sit down.
Wait until everyone's food has arrived before eating.
Some places like to split the bill; others like to take turns treating. Follow the local custom.

Travel

When traveling, respect and follow the local customs and culture.
If friends visit from afar, take them out for a meal.
When visiting friends from afar, bring a gift.
When staying in other people's homes or even hotels, try to leave the place as clean and tidy as when you entered.
When staying at someone's home, ask how long is convenient for them. Aoid overstaying.
Send a thank-you message or note after staying at a friend's place.
Don't snoop through other people's personal belongings or enter closed rooms without permission.

Some of this etiquette might seem like common sense to a lot of us, but not everyone has learned it (or at least they don't realize the importance of it), so it's important for us to be tolerant to others rather than getting judgmental and upset. If we want others to learn it, the best way is to role model it ourselves. When they see good role models time and time again, they will naturally emulate.

These are just some examples that we often encounter, but it's by no means an exhaustive list. We just need to remember that the essence of etiquette is consideration and respect for others, and the goal is to make others feel comfortable.

Also, rules of etiquette differ by culture, so it's very important to understand the culture that you are in. For example, in the west, people like to split the bill, but in the east, people like to take turns paying for the entire bill. There isn't a right or wrong, just different customs.

Ultimately, when we have good etiquette, we will naturally have good relationships and be welcomed by people everywhere. On the contrary, if we have poor etiquette, people will dislike us and won't want to associate with us. Moreover, good relationships are a big source of happiness, while relationship conflicts are a major cause of suffering. Thus, we can see that these small matters of etiquette are truly important.

Conclusion

As the saying goes,

"Manners maketh man."

Although the coffee sign shop might be a joke, there is deep wisdom behind it. If we want to solve the problems of the world and make the world a better place, a foundational place to start is to promote good etiquette, starting with our own role modeling.

If you have any other items of etiquette that you want to share, feel free to do so in the comments.

Weekly Wisdom #349