The Problem of Entitlement

Albert is a farmer, and his chickens lay many eggs every day. He cannot eat them all, so he decides to offer two eggs to his neighbor Ben every day. Ben likes eggs, and he is very happy and thankful towards Albert. As time goes on, Ben eventually becomes used to receiving two eggs from Albert every day, and he expects it just like he expects the sun to rise in the morning.

One day, Albert was talking to his other neighbor, Chris, and he found out that Chris also loves eggs. As a result, Albert decided to offer one egg to Chris and the other egg to Ben every day. Chris was very thankful to Albert, but Ben became very upset.

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What do you think will happen next in this story? If you were Albert, what would you do?

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Most people would probably agree that Ben is in the wrong. After all, the eggs belong to Albert, so naturally, he has the right to give the eggs away in whatever way he wants. Ben was never entitled to Albert's eggs, so he has no right to be upset if Albert stops giving eggs to him. If Ben is so unappreciative, then Albert may very well stop giving eggs to Ben altogether as a way to teach him a lesson. From this simple example, we can see the harmful nature of entitlement.

But perhaps the most problematic aspect of entitlement is that it creeps up on us without us even realizing it. For example, how many of us frequently feel grateful for our family members? Oftentimes, if a stranger, friend, or colleague does something nice for us, we feel so touched, yet when our family members do things for us day in and day out, we don't feel it's anything special. Why?

One factor is because our family members give to us all the time, such that we've become accustomed to it, while friends and colleagues might help us only once in a while, so we take big notice of it. Although this is a common phenomenon among people, that doesn't mean it's good.

When people don't feel appreciated, they will stop wanting to give. The opposite is also true: if we frequently express our gratitude through our words and actions, then people would be happy to give more. Thus, gratitude attracts more, while entitlement attracts loss. What we have to be cognizant of is the fact that if we don't consciously cultivate our gratitude, then entitlement will creep up on us.

In the story, if Ben had consciously practiced gratitude, then he wouldn't have caused conflict with Albert later. This practice of gratitude isn't merely saying "thank you" each time Albert gives him eggs. If he truly holds the intention of gratitude, he would try to find ways to give back to Albert. Perhaps he might give small gifts once in a way or do some nice things for Albert. Albert would then feel that Ben is very appreciative towards him, and they would both feel motivated to give each other more.

Moreover, rather than getting angry, Ben should really reflect on himself, "Really, why would Albert give me less eggs than before and start giving some of those eggs to Chris? Did I do something wrong? How is Chris better than me?" If he humbly reflected on himself, he might realize that he wasn't appreciative enough towards Albert, and that perhaps Chris treats Albert quite well, so it's only natural that Albert wants to give back to Chris. The same is true for us if people stop giving us what they used to give to us.

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Another question worth discussing is why exactly Ben got angry. Is he truly angry over a couple eggs? Or is there something deeper?

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If we think about fights we've had with our family members, a lot of the time, it's about small matters. But is the fight really about the matter? Even if that matter gets resolved, later another problem pops up. Ultimately, the root of the conflict is not the matter, but rather the people's attitude towards each other, specifically their lack of respect and consideration towards each other.

Because Albert gave two eggs to Ben every day for quite a while, Ben believed that Albert would continue to do so. When Albert suddenly stopped, Ben might've thought, "What! Why didn't you tell me beforehand that you would stop giving me two eggs? If I knew beforehand, I could've had some time to prepare. How could you be so inconsiderate towards me!"

Although Ben is still in the wrong, and he really doesn't have a right to be upset at Albert, we can't deny that many people in Ben's situation would have thoughts like that.

That raises another question: How could Albert have prevented this conflict? 

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Although it's very noble to practice kindness and giving, compassion must be balanced with wisdom. Wise people aren't just logical, they are also emotionally astute. We need to understand that it's human nature for people to get used to things rather quickly, and that means most people will start taking things for granted if they receive it all the time. It's also human nature to hate sudden changes and to lose what we previously had.

If Albert had been more emotionally sensitive, he could've foreshadowed the change and implemented it more gradually. For example, he could mention to Ben in passing, "Chris told me the other day that he really loves eggs, but his chickens don't lay enough. Everyone has their own problems, huh?"

And then later, he could say, "Chris helped me fix my broken tool. I'd like to give him some eggs in return."

If we give to others and notice that they seem to take our giving for granted, then it's important to not grow their entitlement. We should let them understand that it's not easy to obtain this and that it's important to have gratitude.

If it's awkward for us to tell them to be grateful to us, we can ask a third party to help communicate the message. For example, Albert could get a mutual friend to chat with Ben and mention in passing, "Wow, you're so lucky that Albert gives you eggs every day! Have you given him anything in return?" Another example is in a family, the father tells the child to appreciate the mother, while the mother tells the child to appreciate the father.

We could also find an excuse to stop giving temporarily, and when the other person loses what they had for a while, they might start appreciating it more. For example, if Albert had family over for a week and didn't have any extra eggs to give to Ben as a result, Ben might start to notice that he took Albert's giving for granted. Once the other person has an attitude of gratitude again, we can resume giving.

My Experience

Before I started learning ancient philosophies, I had never placed much importance on gratitude. I also complained a lot, which meant I was often unhappy. Later, I read a quote from Seneca that really resonates with me:

"No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have."

I realized that I often focus on what I don't have or what's not going well in life, and as a result, I'm blind to all the things I do have and all the good things that I could be grateful and happy for. Hence, I decided to try keeping a gratitude journal to see if it would boost my happiness. Slowly over time, I felt like my gratitude muscle got stronger, and I indeed felt happier in life.

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At the beginning, I would practice being grateful for simple and small things in daily life, such as having a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, enough food to eat, access to public transportation, etc. All these are things that I've gotten used to and taken for granted, but when I consciously expressed gratitude for them, I started feeling happier.

I also learned from Confucianism that the root of all our relationship problems lies in our relationships with parents. Parents gave the most to us, so it's only natural to be grateful for our parents, and when we are grateful to someone, we would naturally be respectful and kind to them. However, so many of us get used to our parents and family members' giving that we take them for granted, and we become rather demanding and impatient towards them.

So I also tried practicing gratitude when I got into conflict with family members and other people. Although I was upset, I tried to remind myself of all that they have done for me in the past, and to focus on their kindness rather than faults. This would help me calm down and be willing to apologize because I care more about the relationship than about the matter. This takes practice, and I'm still practicing, but slowly, we become better at it. When we have good relationships, we will have much more happiness in life.

Conclusion

What do you take for granted that you could express more appreciation for? How can you better balance kindness with wisdom?

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Weekly Wisdom #341