Urgency Is No Excuse For Bad Manners

Have you ever been in a rush to talk to someone, and because of your urgency, when you see them, you start talking right away? Or perhaps before you even arrive in front of them, you already start shouting their name and speaking your urgent matter? I certainly have, and I've been reminded a few times that this is not respectful nor effective.

I've also been on the receiving end of such behavior, and my feeling was, "I understand that you think your matter is kind of urgent, but you should still ask me if I have a minute before rambling on and on about your matter. It only takes a few extra seconds to be polite. Urgency is no excuse for bad manners."

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3

I've made this mistake many times, so I hope sharing some examples can help me have higher vigilance and help others avoid the same mistake. The key isn't simply to ask if others are busy before talking to them; rather, it's to make sure we have a calm mind and a considerate intention before speaking, then we'd naturally inspect their situation.

Example 1: Encounter in the Cafeteria

One time at school, I had just finished eating lunch, and I saw a teacher also just finished eating. This teacher is very busy, and it's quite a rare opportunity to ask him a question, so I seized the opportunity, quickly went up to him, and started talking, "Hi teacher! How are you?...I wanted to ask you about…".

I explained my question and situation, which took a few minutes. He then said to me, "Oh those are big questions. I have another appointment soon, so how about we schedule another time to discuss?"

After he said that, I realized my bad manners. I should've first asked him, "Hi teacher, I have some questions about XZY. Would you happen to have some time to answer them?"

Example 2: Encounter in the Office

Another time, I went up to a teacher's office to confirm something. I first knocked on the door. A while later, the teacher said, "Come in." I went in and saw my teacher hunched over his desk, maybe reading or writing something. I waited a few seconds, but he didn't turn around. I thought to myself, "My thing is really quick and simple", so I asked my question. My teacher didn't respond right away.

After a minute or so, he turned around and said, "Before you speak, you should confirm the other person is ready to listen."

I realized that my mind is too agitated, that I don't like waiting, which resulted in my bad manners.

Another time at home, I went to ask my mom something, and she was also hunched over her desk. I remembered that incident with my teacher, so I first said, "Mom."

She said, "Yes?" But she didn't turn around, so I waited until she turned around. Then I started speaking about a matter that I needed her opinion on. After I talked for a few minutes, she said, "OK. Sure. Whatever you want."

I felt like she didn't really listen to me seriously, so I said, "Ok… are you sure?"

She said, "I'm busy thinking about something else right now. If you really want to discuss it, can we do it later?"

I reflected on that incident, and I realized that I'm still not empathetic enough. Just because she turned around to look at me doesn't mean her mind is clear and ready to talk. Before talking about the matter, I should've first asked, "I want to chat about XZY as soon as you are free. Are you free now?"

Example 3: Encounter in the Hallway

Another time, I encountered a teacher in the hallway. I had some work related matters on my mind, and these things were due very soon, so when I saw him, I immediately started talking, "Oh teacher, I have some things I wanted to ask you about the closing ceremony work. Are you free?"

He didn't respond, nor did he even look at me. I inspected him and the surroundings more, and I noticed that there were two other students arguing, and he was listening intently to what they were saying. When I noticed this, I said, "Oh sorry for disturbing you." Then I left.

Later (you guessed it), the teacher told me, "Before you speak, you need to inspect the situation." (By the way, this is a different teacher from the previous two teachers. I've made this mistake with many people…)

Example 4: Being Interrupted

The above examples are of me having bad manners. There are also times when I've been on the receiving end of such behavior, and when this happens, it's important to remember this teaching from Marcus Aurelius:

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."

Seneca said something similar:

"When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the cause for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others."

So even though I work hard on having good manners, I can't demand others to have good manners towards me. After all, they might not be aware of these things. Even if they are aware, it's not easy to correct bad habits. I'm already aware of these things, yet I still repeat these mistakes, so it's only expected that others will make these mistakes too.

Moreover, philosophy is an inner seeking; that's what makes it so powerful. When we seek from the inside (our thoughts and actions), we have full control. If we seek from the outside (other people and external conditions), we don't have control.

One time, I was hunched over my desk doing work, and my roommate comes into the room and starts talking to me about something that upset him. I was tempted to say, "You should ask if I'm free before ranting. Can you please give me 5 minutes to wrap up my work first?"

But I stopped myself. Clearly, he is upset and wants some sympathy from me. If I criticize him while he's in a bad mood, it'd just make him feel worse, so I let go of my work and gave him my full attention. Ironically, while I was writing this blog post, my mother shouted from downstairs, "Can you come over? I have something to show you." Again, I promptly let go of my writing and went down to see her. By being strict with myself rather than others, I improved my moral cultivation from these incidents.

Conclusion

When we want to talk to others and are in a rush, we might just blurt out whatever we want to say. This is actually bad manners, and it might make others not want to listen to us, which would ruin the effectiveness of our communication.

Before talking to others, we should calmly inspect their entire situation. Do they look busy? Is it appropriate for me to speak to them right now? If so, then we can ask, "Hey, are you free to talk about something?" If they say yes, then we can speak our matter. All of this requires us to remain calm and considerate, which are key to effective thinking and communication.

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Weekly Wisdom #309