When Spoken Words Don't Match Written Words

Alex Chen
2 hours ago
6 min read

Have you ever encountered a situation where what people say doesn't match what's written down? I have recently, and I've reflected on how we should handle these situations.

Situation 1: Flight Baggage

Recently, I booked a round-trip flight from Toronto to Vancouver. There were five of us, and we ordered 3 check-in luggages, and each person had one personal item (basically a backpack or bag) to bring onto the plane. On the first flight from Toronto to Vancouver, one person brought both a backpack and a tote bag, and it was fine, so we assumed that the tote bag doesn't count.

On the way back, we had quite a lot more luggage, so each person decided to carry a tote bag. When we were checking in, we even got luggage tags for both our backpacks and tote bags from the staff member, so we assumed that it's fine.

But once we were about to board the plane, the staff member told us we only paid for one personal item each, and we need to pay extra for the 5 tote bags. I asked how much it would be, and it's quite a lot, about 20% of a flight ticket for one tote bag.

What would you do if you were me?

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I first explained, "The staff member back at the check-in counter gave us the luggage tags, so we assumed that our bags are fine. If it's not fine, the staff member back then should have told us, and we would've adjusted our luggage back there."

The staff member at the gate replied, "I don't know what happened back there, but I am going with what your ticket information says."

She then said that the plane is about to leave, and that if we don't board in the next minute, we will miss this flight. It was almost midnight, and we were all tired, so we decided to just pay the extra fees.

Is it unfair? Arguably.

Did I get upset? A little.

But as a cultivator and philosopher, I need to use what I learn to calm myself.

Mencius said,

"When things do go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself (for the cause)."

Ultimately, the root of the problem lies in myself. When what the staff member at the check-in counter said didn't match what the ticket said, I shouldn't so easily believe the person. I should have double checked and asked, "But the ticket says only one personal item per person. Do these tote bags not count?" My guess is that the staff member didn't check our ticket information carefully and just assumed we had both a carry-on luggage and a personal item.

As for why one of us was able to bring an extra tote bag onto the plane on the first flight, I guess that was just random "luck". But getting lucky once becomes bad luck when we assume it will be repeated.

So the biggest lesson I learned is this: Only I am responsible for checking the rules, and when what others say don't match the written rules, always check.

Did I file a complaint? Yes, but the goal wasn't not to vent anger, it was to tell them that they should train their check-in staff better to prevent other customers from being misled. The customer service rep apologized for the bad service, and my case was recorded. In this way, I've done my part to help others hopefully not encounter the same problem I did.

The other thing that came to mind is something my mentor told me before:

"Ultimately, a problem that can be solved with money is not that big of a problem."

Sure, it's not pleasant to have to pay so much for an extra tote bag, but it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, so I shouldn't dwell on it. We reflect and learn from each mistake, and then we move on.

Situation 2: Washroom Sign

I also thought about if there's ever a situation where we should listen to what people say instead of what's written. I think yes, but we'd have to get confirmation from a credible person, and we should also ask them to make a written or oral announcement so that everyone knows; Otherwise, other people may think we are breaking the rules.

For example, recently at my school, a lot of people from the general public came for an event. There was a door that said "Staff Washroom" on it. Some people didn't ask and just used it even though they aren't school staff. The thing is, when one person does this, other people will see, and lots of people will assume it's open to the general public and use it. This is not the appropriate or cautious thing to do.

If I were a member of the general public, I would ask a staff member if I'm allowed to use the staff washroom. If they said yes, I would ask them to post a sign saying "Members of the event allowed" or make an announcement to all the people there. Otherwise, it's possible that the message wouldn't spread, and other people might think I'm breaking the rules.

If they said no, I would let them know that I saw other people use it. This way they can respond appropriately, maybe by posting another sign saying "general public not allowed" or changing their decision to allow the general public to use it.

Situation 3: Meeting End Time

Another situation I thought of is when everyone is always late. For example, if we have a weekly meeting that's supposed to be from 4:00 to 5:00, but in reality, it usually ends at 5:30, what do we pay attention to? In this case, I would expect the meeting to end at the time it usually ends, which is 5:30. This is from the perspective of being a participant. I shouldn't get upset that they are "late" because past experience tells me it's normal for them to end late. Moreover, I should bring up the matter to the leader of the meeting and suggest changing the written time to be 4:00 to 5:30. This way, we are promoting a culture of trustworthiness, and people won't doubt the leaders' words.

If I were in charge of running the meeting, then I would check with the participants at 5:00 if it's OK with everyone to end the meeting late, and if anyone has anything urgent to do, they can leave early and just read the meeting notes later. If we frequently run overtime, I would discuss with the participants: "Should we agree to change the meeting time to be 4:00 to 5:30 instead? Or should we change anything to run the meeting more smoothly?" This is showing respect to them and taking my own trustworthiness seriously.

Situation 4: Job Performance

One more example I thought of is a story that one of my teachers shared. Basically, a person was getting emails from his manager saying that his performance was mediocre, and when he asked about it to his manager, the manager said he's fine. The manager sent multiple emails, and he asked multiple times. Each time, the manager said he's fine. He was quite confused, and when he asked my teacher about it, he told him, "You do realize your manager is trying to find a legal way to fire you, right?"

So what would you do if you were in this person's situation?

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There isn't one correct answer, but I might send an email back to the manager saying, "Thank you for the conversation today. I now know it was a misunderstanding and that you are happy with my performance in terms of X and Y, and I will continue to work hard in those areas. If you ever have any feedback, please let me know and I will work hard to improve."

Conclusion

When what others' wrote down do not match what they say, it's important to double check with someone credible. It's possible that they made a mistake (like with my flight situation), or they have ulterior motives (like that manager), or they didn't realize that the written message needs to be changed (like the washroom situation).

If we choose to listen to someone's words instead of what's written, then we are taking a risk, and only we will bear the consequences of that risk. To deal with such risk, we should ask the person in charge to change what's written so that everyone knows the new rules. If we are the person in charge, then it's very important to match our words and actions with what's written. Otherwise, people will eventually lose trust in us.

Weekly Wisdom #376