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These principles are not just for romantic relationships, but all relationships, including family and workplace relationships. Why relationships fail Principles for successful relationships What is “Love”? Action Level For building relationships 1. Bad relationships ruin life, while great relationships make life worth living.

Image Source: Unsplash Aside from romantic relationships, we all have so many other types of relationships So how can we nurture loving relationships? This applies not just to workplace relationships, but to all relationships. can take to raise relationships higher. and is best used for intimate relationships.

Alan Zimmerman said, "Trust is a must or your relationships will bust." To that, I might add, "If your relationships bust, your happiness will rust." misunderstand trustworthiness to simply mean honesty, but someone who is bluntly honest would ruin their relationships Trustworthiness is something we have to continually work on and maintain, but the reward (great relationships

I recently heard the saying, "You can either be right or you can be in a relationship." For a relationship to be healthy, we have to care more about the relationship than ourselves. Stated in mathematical terms, Healthy Relationship = Selflessness > Selfishness Our desire to be right Given that different perspectives are all valid, a motto I follow in relationships is "Harmony is always

Image Source: Unsplash Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists all agree that relationships Furthermore, it’s the quality, not quantity, of our relationships that count. Trying to understand the other person deeply is the key to solving relationship problems. Conclusion If there’s anything worth investing in, it’s your relationships. Quality relationships make us happy and healthy, and improving relationships is not rocket science.

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Last week, I wrote about the "Grandma is afraid you're hungry" situation. There's another problem I encountered here at my grandma's. Basically, before my mother and I arrived, my grandma was living by herself. When she got injured and couldn't move very well, she paid her neighbors money every month to cook and clean the house. After we came, my grandma asked them to only deliver one meal a day. I asked, "Why not just let them stop delivering altogether? We can cook three meals." She said, "Because they are rather poor and really need the money. If I don't let them deliver food at all, they will feel bad for taking my money." We supported grandma's decision. But the thing is, my mom and I are vegan, so my grandma told the neighbors that she wanted to eat vegan with us. The neighbors adjusted their cooking to not include meat, but sometimes, they delivered food with little dried shrimps. I think they didn't know that shrimp isn't vegan. I thought about telling them, but whenever I run into them, there's always other people, and it feels like I'm being super nitpicky if I knock on their door just to tell them to not put shrimp in the cooking. One day, I ran into the neighbor by chance, and it was just us two. I said, "Thank you so much for taking care of my grandma and feeding us such delicious and nutritious food!" She said, "Oh it's no problem at all! If there's anything you want to eat, please tell me." I replied, "Oh actually I don't eat shrimp either because it's not vegan. But I don't think you knew that. Sorry I didn't communicate clearly before. Your cooking is very delicious though!" She said, "Oh really? OK I'll know in the future, thanks for letting me know." And that was that. Politeness and appreciation always help to reduce awkwardness. Later, I was talking to my mentor about this situation and asked him if there are any better ways to handle such a situation. Just like in last week's article, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you might handle this situation, then compare it to what my mentor said. This will give you a deeper impression and internalize the teachings more so that you can use it in your own life. My mentor told me: "Indeed, it's quite awkward to trouble your neighbors further after they've already gone through the trouble of cooking vegan for you. One way to do it is to buy a gift for them, and then when you deliver the gift, you can bring it up in passing. This way, you're not purely troubling them in that encounter. Moreover, you can offer to give them more money to compensate for the extra trouble of cooking vegan. This way, you show your good intentions and that you aren't just selfishly adding trouble to them." I thought, "Wow, that's a pretty good idea! My mentor is so much more considerate than me." In the future, I'll remember that if I need to trouble others, I should try to bring a small token of appreciation or do a small favor for them first. Do you have any other ways to politely trouble others? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #265

Image Source: Wix AI Two monks were washing their feet in a river when they saw a scorpion struggling in the water. Knowing that scorpions cannot swim, the elder monk knelt down to scoop it out of the water and set it on the shore. As he slowly and calmly picked up the scorpion, it stung his hand. Out of pain and reflex, the monk dropped the scorpion. He then tried again a couple more times, but faster. However, he still got stung and dropped the scorpion. He then told the younger monk to bring him a tree branch from the shore. Using that branch, he managed to scoop the scorpion out of the water and set it on shore. The younger monk asked, "Why did you keep trying to save the scorpion when it stung you so many times? What an ungrateful creature." The elder monk replied, "If I enter the water, I will get wet; the nature of water is wet. See that tree over there? Anyone can sit under its shade. The tree will never ask if you are young or old, good or evil, human or animal; it will provide everyone and anything with its shade because this is its nature. Similarly, the nature of the scorpion is to sting, so there is nothing to take offence in. Our true nature is to be compassionate towards all living beings, just like the tree serves all living beings without discrimination. When we align with our true nature, we will free our minds from the suffering that comes with discrimination and attachment." Commentary This parable has different versions on the internet, and above is a version that I've synthesized and edited. The story has quite a lot of food for thought and can be contemplated from different angles. 1: Compassion First is from the perspective of compassion. Most of us have conditional love towards people: "If you are good, if I like you, if you behave the way I want you to behave, then I will treat you well; otherwise, I will be unhappy towards you." Compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional love: "It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, I will always treat you well, try to understand you, and help you achieve your full potential." As mentioned in last week's article, compassion benefits ourselves first because it is an elevated emotional state, as shown in this chart: Source: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza Whereas the survival emotions (e.g., pain, fear, anger) at the bottom are all overly attached to I, elevated motions (e.g., love/compassion, freedom, appreciation) all dampen the attachment to I and focus more on others. When we feel survival emotions, we feel stressed. When we are in an elevated state, we feel a sense of calm happiness and ease. Monks are always cultivating their mind to maintain a state of serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk saw the drowning scorpion, he naturally felt compassion towards it. He didn't think, "This is a scorpion. Scorpions are bad. I don't like scorpions." If we have strong discriminations between what we like and dislike, then we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The monk had equal compassion for all living beings, so he could maintain his serene state of mind. When the scorpion repeatedly stung his hand, he didn't think "What an ungrateful creature! I'm trying to help you, and you sting me?!" Compassion is similar to parental love: Even if a child is naughty, does bad things, argues with parents, and hurts parents feelings, the parent ultimately still loves the child and believes in the child's goodness and potential. Similarly, the monk understood that the scorpion stung him out of fear and anxiety, so he felt didn't blame the scorpion and continued to try to save it. When we have conflict with others, we can reflect on whether we truly understand the other person, and whether we are using conditional love or compassion. 2: Wisdom Another insight from this story is the importance of wisdom. We've probably all had the experience of wanting to help others, but when we tried to help, we ended up creating more trouble for everyone. It's like when the elder monk tried to pick up the scorpion and got stung, thereby hurting himself and bringing no benefit to the scorpion. So how can we gain wisdom? One way is of course to study books of wisdom, such as those of ancient philosophers. I previously wrote about this in the article Upgrade Your Thinking. But in the story, the elder monk gained wisdom through his sincere compassion. Sincere means single-minded and unchanging, while compassion means only thinking about benefiting others. Since the monk was single-mindedly focused on helping the scorpion, he didn't give up after the first few failures. Since he wasn't interested in giving up, he continually looked for ways to improve his method, until he finally had a breakthrough: find a tree branch to scoop the scorpion. Similarly, we can reflect on ourselves when we encounter problems. Are we single-mindedly focused and determined to solve it? Or do we think this problem isn't really that big of a deal? Are we focused on helping others, or are we overly attached to our own feelings? 3: Pain vs. Suffering When the elder monk got stung by the scorpion, he surely felt pain, but I don't think he experienced suffering. Pain is physical, while suffering is mental. I'm reminded of this quote from Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius: "Do away with the opinion I am harmed, and the harm is cast away too." The big question is, how can we "do away with the opinion that I am harmed"? It's all about how we think. I like Victor Cheng's definition of "suffering" as "meaningless pain", which means that if we can find meaning in our pain, then we no longer feel unhappy. In fact, we can even appreciate pain similar to how an athlete appreciates growing pains. If we want to improve in life, which is a joyful thing, then we need to face tests and challenges. Monks are trying to cultivate serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk encountered the scorpion that stung him, he viewed it as a good test to help him raise his cultivation rather than as misfortune. If he had gotten upset and given up, then his cultivation would have degenerated. He could then thank the scorpion for showing him his lack of cultivation. But he maintained his cultivation and overcame the challenge, so he can thank the scorpion for helping him to increase his level of cultivation. We probably all face challenges and pain in our lives, but we don't necessarily have to suffer. We can find meaning in our challenges and use our pain as motivation for our self-improvement and for helping others to avoid the pain we've been through. When we do so, we can change our emotional state from suffering (a low state) to appreciation (a high state). Conclusion Although we might not literally be a monk, and we might not ever see a drowning scorpion, the metaphorical lessons of this story are highly relevant to us. Do we have conditional love or unconditional compassion? Are we sincere or fickle? Do we suffer in the face of pain and challenges, or do we find meaning and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #284

Something I've learned though is that relationships are key to happiness, so if I want a happy life, of learning a different way of using chopsticks, it actually is worth it if it means building a good relationship I still often fail to prioritize relationships over logic, but I just record that failure in my journal event was a good reminder to be empathetic and patient towards other people's habits, to prioritize relationships

Source: Harvard Family Instruction, Chapter 1) Commentary This story reminds me of a principle for good relationships

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships Thus, if we want happy relationships and a happy life, cultivating compassion is key, and we can do so

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas. This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words." The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?" The MC said, "Sure," and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?" She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…" I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place. After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything. After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?" The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more." At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC." After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added, "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?" The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it." She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability." Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light. This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful." Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!" She said, "No it was mediocre." I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result." She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre." At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience." Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?

Are you really educated if you aren't even able to have good relationships?