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Icon Sources: 1, 2 Do you feel like you have a lot of happiness in your everyday life? Do you smile a lot? I don't know about you, but I can definitely use some more happiness in my everyday life! And in my observation, most people frown a lot more than they smile. My mentor told me that our unhappiness comes from our over-focus on ourselves, which results in our countless thoughts, wants, and worries. If we redirect our attention to thinking about other people, to feeling their feelings, our constant self-centeredness will diminish, which will reduce our suffering. Moreover, when we can notice other people's good intentions, we will be a lot happier! Furthermore, we should start with parents, because parents naturally love their children, and once we can feel their love, it'll be easier for us to feel other people's intentions. Before, I had an article about seeing the intention behind other people's actions. Back then, my main goal was to prevent anger, annoyance, and awkwardness. Usually, when people do something that upsets us, they aren't actually trying to annoy us. People usually have neutral or even positive intentions. After all, who would want to be a bad person when they could be a good person? Who would want to be disliked by others when they could be liked by others? But this time, I had a new realization: We should try to notice people's good intentions because it makes us very happy. If we miss out on people's loving intentions, it's like missing out on free goodies! The key is to let go of our habitual self-centeredness and really direct our attention to feeling other people's intentions. This is best done with people whom you are very close with and obviously love you, such as your parents, partner, and good friends, but even strangers have good intentions too. I'll share some of my experiences below. 1. Mother As per my mentor's suggestion, I started with my family. Recently, my mother cooked some pancakes and then asked me, "Is the food OK?" In the past, I would think, "Of course it's OK. You cooked and saved me time. There's no way I'd complain." This kind of mentality isn't bad, as it comes from a place of duty and righteousness. But this time, I tried to feel my mom's intentions, and I felt how she really hopes her son can eat healthy and happily. When I felt her loving intentions, I felt warm inside, and I naturally said, "Wow this looks great! Mmm this is even better than what we eat at the restaurant because the ingredients are healthier and fresher." Another time, I was working on my computer. My mother came and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, but could you get something for me upstairs?" In the past, I would think, "I'm kind of busy right now, but OK." This time, I felt my mother's politeness. She doesn't actually want to interrupt me, and she is happy for me to concentrate on my work, but she really needs my help right now. When I felt her good intentions, I happily went to get the thing for her. Afterwards, I also asked if there's anything else I can help with. 2. Grandpa A few days ago, my grandpa gave my mother and I two peaches. He said, "It's almost the end of peach season, but those basket peaches are all small. I saw some great big peaches, but they're sold individually, so I bought three, one for each of us. They're not fully ripe yet, so wait a couple days." I know he likes peaches a lot. My mother and I are indifferent. But this time, I felt his intentions: he put in a lot of effort to find the best peaches to share with us, and I felt very fortunate to receive such kindness. The next day, he said, "The peaches are almost ripe. You should eat it tomorrow. The flavor will be at its best." Again, I felt his intention to give us the best, and my heart was filled with joy and gratitude. I thought to myself, "This is such a simple, normal, everyday event, but I feel so much joy and happiness because I can feel my grandpa's loving intentions. Wow!" It also proved to me why ancient philosophies all teach us to cultivate our mind rather than change external circumstances. I truly experienced the joy that can come by shifting my mindset. 3. Boss Last year, I was still teaching high school business, but this year, I'm taking a year off to study in a sinology program. My principal came and asked, "I know you are busy and in school now, but would it be possible for you to record videos for a course you made before? Even if you have to do it slowly, it's OK." This was actually the second time my principal asked. Rather than feeling awkward about needing to reject again, I first felt her intentions. She is actually very considerate and doesn't want to burden me! And I know she has the best intentions for her school in mind. When I felt her good intentions, I was naturally able to respond in a polite and respectful manner. 4. Teacher In our course on morality and ethics, our teacher often repeats the same things over and over again: Make sure to apply what you learn, don't just memorize things for a test. Everyone has infinite potential. You need to believe to achieve. Being a good person is more important than having skills and talent. Are you really educated if you aren't even able to have good relationships? One time, he asked if any of us students re-watched class recordings. Only one person nodded. He then talked for quite a while about having a good learning attitude and applying what we learned into our daily lives. He said if we just note things down to memorize for a test, we are wasting our time. If we truly listen with a respectful attitude, we would have realizations about how to improve ourselves. Also, each class has so many learning points, if we were truly studious, we'd re-listen to some lessons. He went on and on for quite a while. I imagine some people might think the teacher is quite naggy and talks too much. But I felt his good intentions. He really cares about his students and hopes that everyone can get the most out of our time together in this course. It is the beginning of the course, so he really wants to set everyone off on a good start. He's not trying to get us to like him, he is really trying to help us succeed, so he is willing to say all these things at the risk of being disliked. If even one student really listens, then it would be worth it. When I felt his loving intentions, I naturally really appreciated and respected him, and I could focus more when listening in class. I also re-listened to some class recordings. 5. Classmate Recently, our class leader called a class meeting to discuss some procedural things related to our next assignment. However, there were many details that she didn't confirm yet, and she apologized many times, saying things like, "This is what I know so far…Sorry I am still waiting for a response from our professor…Sorry my explanation might be a little unclear…Sorry I forgot to send these things earlier…" In the past, I might get a little annoyed or judgmental and think, "If you don't have all the details yet, why don't we meet after you've confirmed all the details? And you don't need to keep saying sorry so many times." But this time, I felt her intentions. She's trying her best to be our class leader, and that effort is precious. She is also nervous and lacks self-confidence, which is why she keeps saying sorry. When I felt her intentions, I naturally felt that I should assure her and thank her for her effort. 6. Friend I have a good friend who is living in another country, and we chat every month or so. We have a five hour time difference, and recently we chatted for over three hours. I just started my sinology program, and he is a year ahead of me, so I had lots of things to ask. At his 10:30PM, he said, "I need to go sleep soon, so maybe we can wrap up in 15 minutes." I had some other small questions to discuss, and we ended up talking for 30 minutes. He wasn't the slightest bit impatient and thanked me for a good chat. I could feel his sincere care and support, and I felt really fortunate and warm inside to have such a reliable friend. My mother said, "Wow you guys talked for such a long time." I gave a big smile and said, "Yes we had a really good conversation again." Maybe my mother was slightly worried at first, but when she saw my big smile, she smiled and said, "Well, that's great!" Energy is contagious, and I was able to generate a lot of positive energy by cherishing my friend's good intentions, then I passed it on to my mother. 7. Strangers One time, I was going for an evening stroll around my neighborhood. I saw couple people out on their driveway playing loud music. One looked around 30, and the other maybe 60. They were both drinking beer, fixing a motorcycle, and listening to loud music. At first, I was kind of annoyed at them for playing such loud music, which would disturb others. But I tried to see their intentions. I don't know if they are relatives or friends, but they were very happy together. Like all of us, they are just trying to enjoy life and be happy. They are happy together, and it reminded me of the natural happiness between family members. That is precious. This isn't to say it's fine to play loud music outside, but at least I don't hold negative feelings towards them. If I were their neighbor, I'd be able to calmly and warmly ask them to turn down the music a bit, while also wishing them a happy time together. Conclusion Every day, we interact with so many people. How often do we miss out on other people's good intentions because we are too focused on our own thoughts and feelings? Those are all missed opportunities! If we can dampen our self-centeredness and use more energy to feel other people's good intentions, not only would we be more tolerant and patient, we'd also have more love and gratitude in our hearts. By simply shifting our mindset, the same everyday events suddenly become great sources of joy. Weekly Wisdom #254

I could use the two hours of commute time saved to mark homework.

later the situation changed, and it is no longer feasible for us to fulfill that promise, we need to communicate We also set a meeting time before dinner every day where we communicate our thoughts sincerely and respectfully

Please communicate with me more about how we can achieve this." It also proposes a solution and makes an offer for further communication. 2: Speak less words of sarcasm If we can't openly and respectfully communicate about a problem, the relationship is headed for disaster If we want to communicate about a problem, we should use a respectful and caring intention. But I tell them that if they have extenuating circumstances, they can communicate with me and we might

In his best-selling book Principles , multibillionaire Ray Dalio talks about the importance of knowing the objective strengths and weaknesses of yourself and others. To quote his words, “Just as people have different physical traits, people also have different psychological traits. Since our brains are biologically different, we all experience reality in different ways, and any one way is actually distorted. By getting multiple perspectives, we get closer to the truth. The better we know ourselves, the better we can recognize our blind spots and what we can or cannot change about ourselves. The better we know other people, the better we can predict their behavior and performance on certain tasks.” —Ray Dalio Ray Dalio uses psychometric assessments, and 16 Personalities is a great one because it is free and offers highly detailed insights. You can learn all about the 16 Personalities framework on their website , but my goal with this article is to summarize the key details, as well as real life examples to add color to the theory. Image Source This post will talk about Why personality profiles so useful Personality Traits in 1 6 Personalities The Four Roles The Four Strategies How I’ve used 16 Personalities in my life Frequently Asked Questions (You can click on a title to jump to that section) Part 1: Why Personality Profiles are so Useful Knowing your personality profile is extremely useful for three reasons: Self-Understanding : You can learn your objective strengths and weaknesses and those of others. Convenient : It’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Harmony : You can more easily embrace people’s differences rather than complain about them. First, you learn about your objective strengths and weaknesses. Successful and happy people invest most of their time and energy into their strengths. As for weaknesses, they just have to patch them up to the point where it’s not hindering their ability to pursue their strengths. All of this requires you to actually KNOW your strengths and weaknesses! As Dr. Alan Zimmerman said, "The more you know yourself, the more you can grow yourself." Most people only have a rough idea of a couple of strengths and weaknesses. But your personality profile gives you a detailed list with multiple strengths and weaknesses. When you read your strengths and weaknesses you probably think, “ Oh yeah that’s true. ” You might even think you don’t need a personality test to tell you. But if you didn’t read it, you wouldn’t have thought of all those strengths and weaknesses yourself. THAT’s why reading your personality profile is extremely valuable. With that knowledge, you can take steps towards optimizing your life for the better. Second, it’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Have you ever wished you could understand someone quickly? For example, maybe you have a new colleague or a new boss. It only takes 10-15 minutes for someone to do the personality survey and tell you their results. When you know their personality profile, you can predict their thinking and behavior. That means you can stop viewing people as “ super-hard-to-understand creatures ” and start seeing them as “ just another one of those. ” Third, when you understand yourself and others, it’s much easier to accept and embrace other people’s differences rather than fight over them. If you’re like me, you’ve wondered, “ Why are people so strange? Why aren’t people more like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, you realize people aren’t strange; they are predictable. And people aren’t more similar to you because their personality is different from yours. You understand their values (what’s important to them in life), and you learn to predict their behavior. This one is huge! Before learning about 16 Personalities, I would always think, “ Why can’t that person be as reliable/trustworthy/logical/whatever like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, I now think, “ That’s just her personality. You can’t change that about her. Plus, that personality trait has these strengths which are my weaknesses. ” I can also predict people’s thinking and behavior, so I don’t get annoyed or shocked when they do something that I previously would have thought, “ Why would anyone do that? ” Ultimately, understanding others allows us to stop always thinking about their weaknesses and why they annoy us, and instead focus on their strengths and how we can bring out more of their strengths in our relationship. When we focus on their strengths, we naturally will have a better, happier, and more productive relationship with them. Now that we’ve looked at why 16 Personalities is so useful, let’s get into the details of the test. Part 2: Personality Traits in 16 Personalities The 16 Personality test is a comprehensive personality test that measures five personality traits: Introverted versus Extraverted Observant versus Intuitive (or in simple words, Practical versus Imaginative) Thinking versus Feeling (or in simple words, Logical versus Emotional) Judging versus Prospecting (or in simple words, Planning versus Spontaneous) Assertive versus Turbulent (or in simple words, Self-assured versus Self-conscious) To find out your personality type, take the test here: English: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test Chinese: https://www.16personalities.com/ch/ Given these 5 traits, there are a total of 32 possible combinations. The way 16 Personalities organizes these possible combinations is into 16 personality profiles. Each profile uses the first 4 traits, and then the 5th trait is added on at the end. So you can get a result like INTJ-T, which means Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging, and Turbulent. INTJ is the personality profile. The “-T” is the additional add-on to the profile. Here is an overview of the 16 personality profiles: Image Source For the sake of time, I’m not going to go into the details for each of the 16 profiles (and certainly not the 32 possible combinations). I think it’s plenty enough to cover the 4 roles and the 4 strategies. Then you can read the profiles that interest you (probably your profile and those of a few close family members and friends). Alright, let’s get into the 5 traits. Trait 1: Introverted versus Extraverted This trait determines how we interact with our environment. Specifically, it determines what kind of environment energizes us and what kind of environment drains us. A lot of people misunderstand introversion and extraversion. They think that someone who likes to talk a lot is extraverted, and someone who is quiet is introverted. That’s not necessarily true. Introverted people lose energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with . In order to replenish their energy, they have to have alone time. Introverted people can be very talkative and energetic when they are just with a few close friends. Extraverted people gain energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with. They enjoy that social interaction. Being alone makes them lose energy and get restless. It’s very useful to know if someone is introverted or extraverted because the workplace and society is always full of social activities. Extraverts love them and will go to as many as they can. Introverts literally lose energy going to them, so they have to be selective. Introverts are great at sitting down alone and working or studying. Extraverts literally lose energy if they try to do that. That’s why they need to get up and go somewhere with people and talk to people to recover their energy. Once people understand this, they stop judging each other on their differences. Trait 2: Observant versus Intuitive This trait determines how we process information. Out of the five traits, this trait is probably the most difficult to understand. Observant people are highly practical and concrete, whereas Intuitive people are very imaginative and curious . Observant people like to focus on what is, while Intuitive people like to think about what could be. Intuitive people enjoy talking about what-if scenarios, while observant people see that as a waste of time. Observant people prefer to have habits, while Intuitive people prefer novelty . If you ask an Observant person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, she might say, “ The usual. I need to clean the house and go to the park. ” Her answer is very practical and reflects her habits. If you ask an Intuitive person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, he might say, “ Hmmm, I’d love to go watch a movie. There are so many good movie choices right now ." His answer is very open-minded and focuses on novelty. Observant people might get annoyed at Intuitive people for being so impractical and having weak habits, while Intuitive people get annoyed at Observant people for being so boring and too routine-focused. Observant people might also get frustrated at Intuitive types for implicating hidden meanings all the time, while Intuitive types might get frustrated at Observant types for being so numb to hidden or deeper meanings. Making good decisions requires creativity first to think of many options and possibilities. Then picking the best option requires practicality. If these two types can work together, they can make better decisions. Trait 3: Thinking versus Feeling This trait determines how we make decisions and handle emotions. Thinking-types are focused on logic . When making decisions, they prioritize logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings, and they view efficiency as more important than harmony with others. Feeling-types are focused on emotions and feelings . They are emotionally sensitive and expressive. They view harmony as more important than competition. Thinking-types might get annoyed at feeling types for being so illogical, while Feeling-types might get annoyed at Thinking-types for being cold and emotionally insensitive. For example, let’s say John is a Thinking-type and Mary is a Feeling-Type. Mary asks John, “ How does this dress look on me? ” John says, “ Don’t buy it. It makes you look fat. ” Mary gets upset and complains that John is so emotionally stupid. John gets upset and complains that Mary is too illogical. To make good decisions, often both logic and emotions are needed. If these two types could get along better, they would make better decisions together. Trait 4: Judging versus Prospecting This trait determines how we like to work. Judging-types like to make plans . They are very organized, and they want predictability and stability. They hate it when unexpected things come up and break their plans. Prospecting-types like to be spontaneous . They go with the flow. They’ll deal with whatever comes up when it comes up. They like to keep their options open and improvise on-the-spot. Judging-types might get annoyed at Prospecting-types for being irresponsible and never planning things out. Prospecting-types might get annoyed at Judging-types for being so rigid and closed to the full experience of life. If these two types could collaborate, then the Judging-type can make the plan, and then the Prospecting-type can improvise on-the-spot when unexpected changes happen. Trait 5: Assertive versus Turbulent This trait shows how confident we are in our abilities and decisions. It is highly related to self-esteem (how we feel about ourselves). Assertive people are self-assured and resistant to stress . They don’t worry too much, and they don’t push themselves too hard to achieve things. Turbulent people are very self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are very perfectionistic and eager to improve. They are likely to experience emotional roller-coasters (high ups and low downs). Assertive people might think that Turbulent people worry too much and are too critical of themselves and others. Turbulent people might think Assertive people are too self-confident and too laid back. Ultimately, we need a balance between self-confidence and self-cautiousness. Now that you know about the 5 personality traits in the 16 Personalities test, you can already see how useful it is to know your individual traits for each of the five. But we can get even more useful information when we combine the traits together. Part 3: The Four Roles Your 16 Personalities Role tells you about your goals, interests, values, and preferred activities. There are four roles (personality groups): Analysts [_ N T _ -_] ————— logical and enterprising Diplomats [_ N F _ -_] ———— compassionate and caring Sentinels [_ S _ J -_] ————— hardworking and dutiful Explorers [_ S _ P -_] ————— curious and fun-seeking Here is an overview of the four roles: Analysts The four Analyst profiles: Analysts all have the intuitive and thinking traits . They value logic, curiosity, independence, and problem-solving. They focus on logic when making decisions. They have a strong drive to learn and improve on their flaws. They are very selective about their friends and would rather spend time alone than with someone who isn’t compatible with them. They like to solve problems and are very confident in their problem-solving abilities. Analysts are strong at logical problem-solving, taking initiative, and finding creative solutions. The main challenge for Analysts is social relationships and maintaining harmony. Diplomats The four Diplomat profiles: Diplomats all have the intuitive and feeling traits . They value social connection, harmony, belonging, altruism (taking care of others and the world), justice, and purpose. They would rather cooperate than compete with others. They seek to make the world a better place. They can see beauty in life, and they get inspired by art, music, and theater. Diplomats need feelings of belonging and worry about being alone. They want to have a partner and a few good friends. Diplomats are strong at empathy and counseling. They bring warmth and harmony to people. A big challenge for Diplomats is to balance being real and authentic with their desire to belong. They are also very idealistic, and their high expectations for themselves and others can set themselves up for disappointment. They also struggle to just take action because they spend so much time in their imagination. Sentinels The four Sentinel profiles: Sentinels all have the observant and judging (planning) traits . They value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. Sentinels work hard and get things done on time. They strive to never let others down, and they take pride in their character and competence. They are self-motivated and they hope to offer stability and wisdom to others. Sentinels are great at being reliable, caring, and conscientious. They are also great at planning. Sentinels are weak in situations without clear rules or in fast-changing situations. They also tend to be stubborn and don’t like drama in relationships. Sentinels often expect others to be just as conscientious and reliable as them, and this unrealistic expectation can set themselves up for disappointment. Explorers The four Explorer profiles: Explorers all have the observant and prospecting (spontaneous) traits . They value self-reliance, adaptability, quick-thinking, novelty, and fun. Unlike the other types, Explorers love handling uncertain situations. They usually just want something to work rather than making it perfect, but if they get really interested in something, they can get extremely focused on the details. They enjoy learning about different tools and techniques, from instruments to emergency response techniques. They look for balance between work and leisure. Explorers are strong at quick-thinking and bringing fun and excitement to relationships. When they are very passionate about something, they will devote 100% effort to it. Explorers are weak at planning for the future. They often like to take risks just for the fun of it. They are also weaker in rigid environments such as school because they find these environments too boring and restrictive. Part 4: The Four Strategies Your 16 Personalities Strategy tells you how you prefer to do things and achieve goals. There are four strategies: Confident Individualism [I _ _ _ -A] ———— private and self-assured People Mastery [E _ _ _-A] ———————— outgoing and confident Constant Improvement [I _ _ _-T] ————— introspective and sensitive Social Engagement [E _ _ _-T] —————— friendly and driven Here is an overview of the four strategies: Confident Individualism Confident Individualists have the introverted and assertive traits. They have trust in themselves and their abilities, and they don’t feel the need to show-off or prove themselves to other people. They value independence and prefer working alone rather than working in groups. Confident Individualists are strong at independence and self-confidence. On the flip side, their self-assuredness can lead to complacency. Since they don’t push others to change, they also don’t want others to push them to change. People Mastery People Mastery types have the extraverted and assertive traits. They are energized by social interactions and challenging experiences. They enjoy traveling to see new things, people, and places. They see problems and opportunities and they like to team up with others to chase those opportunities. These people need to find a healthy balance between their ambition and seeking social connection. Although they don’t need people’s approval, they still do want it from close family and friends. People Mastery types are great at handling stress and having courage to face challenges and criticisms. They are also great at collaborating with people and helping them bring out their strengths. A weakness for them is that they can get overconfident in themselves and push themselves past their limits. People Mastery types say what they think and mean what they say. They are very real and honest, which can be both good and bad. It’s important for them to learn to speak honestly without being rude. Constant Improvement Constant Improvers have the introverted and turbulent traits. They are sensitive people who enjoy having their own space and freedom. They get stressed out when dealing with tense environments or new situations. They might feel that something is missing from their lives, even if their lives are fine in reality. Constant Improvers have a strong drive to do well (a strength), but that comes with a strong fear of failure (a weakness). They view success and perfection as a big part of their identity, so even small mistakes can be emotionally crushing for them, and they tend to dwell on past mistakes for a long time. Constant Improvers are also very sensitive, which again can be a strength and a weakness. As a strength, they are great listeners and friends. As a weakness, they get insecure over other people’s opinions; 96% of Constant Improvers say that they feel misunderstood. To excel, Constant Improvers need to learn to trust themselves as much as they trust other people’s opinions. They hope to get rewards, awards, recognition, and positive feedback for their good work. Social Engagement Social Engagers have the extraverted and turbulent traits. They tend to act fast with their gut feeling and then think about it later. They enjoy social status and being the center of attention. They are energized by interacting with others and they love it when they help make other people’s day better. Social Engagers are strong at helping others and being bold. One weakness is that Social Engagers might hide their true selves and pretend to be someone else to impress others. The interesting thing about Social Engagers is that their extraversion and turbulent traits kind of go against each other. Extraversion brings confidence and boldness, whereas Turbulence brings self-doubt and caution. When Social Engagers get better at managing themselves, they can use their extraversion to get over self-doubt, and they can use their turbulence to be more careful. Part 5: How I’ve Used 16 Personalities in My Own Life I’ve used 16 Personalities to Better understand myself Improve harmony with others Quickly learn about new people I meet Better Understand Myself Before I took personality tests seriously, I wasn’t crystal clear on my strengths and weaknesses. I remember preparing for interviews, and one of the questions that I had to prepare an answer for was “ Tell me about your strengths and weaknesses. ” I knew I’m very hardworking, but I also felt like everyone is hardworking. I also knew I’m logical. That’s about it. As for weaknesses, it was very hard to think of any. I was like most people, unaware of my weaknesses. After I learned that I’m ISTJ-T, I learned that my strengths are honest and direct, strong-willed and dutiful, very responsible, calm and practical, orderly, jack-of-all-trades. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh yeah that’s really true! ” Then I read my weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgmental, often unreasonably blame themselves. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh actually a lot of people have told me I’m stubborn. I used to think others are illogical so I kept trying to rationalize with them. I guess that’s why they see me as stubborn and insensitive. I am quite by-the-book. I do get annoyed by people a lot and can’t understand them. I do blame myself a lot. ” Now that I know my strengths, I focus on them. I tell my manager and colleagues that I’m very dependable and hardworking. Before, I felt like it was pointless and empty to say such a thing because I thought everyone tries to be dependable and hardworking. But now I realize that my personality type is especially dependable and hardworking, much more so than the other personality types. So I feel very comfortable and even obliged to make my strengths known so that I can contribute my best to the team. Now that I know my weaknesses, I try to catch myself falling prey to them. For example, if someone starts disagreeing with me, before I would have instinctively started to debate logic with them. But I’ve now practiced focusing on harmony over being right. In fact, I adopted the motto that harmony is always right. That comes naturally to a Feeling-type. I’m a Thinking-type, so I had to practice it to be able to do it consistently. I’m also a turbulent type so I’ve had to learn and practice creating a stable self-esteem. For example, I’ve had to learn and practice to focus on effort and growth instead of results. I’ve had to learn and practice getting clear on my values and judging myself on my values instead of by what others think of me. Whereas an assertive type naturally doesn’t worry too much about what others think. That brings me to another point. When reading my personality profile, I got clear on some of my natural values. Before doing this personality test, I set some values for myself like respect, excellence, growth, responsibility and service. Then I read that Sentinels value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. I thought, “ Oh wow. True. I didn’t think of those when making my list, but I do indeed care about those a lot. ” The values that I set actually match the values of Sentinels really well, and that’s not a lucky coincidence. I think many people are not clear on their values, so knowing which role and profile you are is a great tool to help you get clear on them. Increase Harmony with Others It’s not easy to guess someone’s personality profile, so you’re better off just asking them to do the survey, which only takes 10–15 minutes anyway. A lot of conflict happens in relationships because of unrealistic or ungrounded expectations for each other. For example, a Sentinel type might get unhappy at an Explorer type for not being reliable and not staying true to their word. An Explorer type might get unhappy at a Sentinel type for being too rigid and by-the-book. Once we understand that our brains are wired differently, resulting in different personalities, with different strengths and weaknesses, we stop expecting others to be someone they are not. Below are some examples of people who I’ve analyzed and had a better relationship with as a result. I could list many examples, but I think three should be enough. Example 1: Turbulent Advocate (INFJ-T) Family Member A family member often clings to past disappointments and exaggerates the emotional impact of those events. I got annoyed that this person kept doing it. Then I read the person’s profile: INFJ-T. The profile literally says: “Turbulent Advocates are more willing to exaggerate the impact of something that bothers them or hurts the people they care about. People with this personality type often interpret things as being far worse than they are. But such exaggeration is rarely on purpose or about dishonesty. It’s more a reflection of their tendency to hold more negative views of things.” Wow. Before, I thought, “ Why is this person always bringing up the past and making it seem like such a big deal? ” Now, I think, “ Oh look, it’s that weakness of the Turbulent Advocate personality. It’s not right or wrong. That person has strengths that go along with that weakness. That person is altruistic and creative and passionate. ” Example 2: Turbulent Debater (ENTP-T) Friend This friend often seeks social activities, which I never understood until I learned about introversion versus extraversion. As an introvert, I can stay at home alone for a week with no problems. But now I know that extraverts would find that extremely stressful. They seek social contact and external stimulation to keep their batteries charged. This friend also always has many ideas, and he loved debating the pros and cons of different ideas. But he’s very slow to act on his ideas. He also gets bored easily. Later, when I read his profile, it literally says “Very Argumentative — If there’s anything Debaters enjoy, it’s the mental exercise of debating an idea.” “Can Find It Difficult to Focus — The same flexibility that allows Debaters to come up with such original plans and ideas makes them readapt perfectly good ones far too often, or to even drop them entirely as the initial excitement wanes and newer thoughts come along. Boredom comes too easily for Debaters, and fresh thoughts are the solution, though not always a helpful one.” Funnily enough, when I told him about his personality characteristics, he literally started debating about whether those are true or not. From reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths. He’s a very fast thinker, energetic, and charismatic. These are all traits I don’t have, so when we work together, we can complement each other, especially now that I’m aware of our different strengths and appreciate them. Example 3: Turbulent Adventurer (ISFP-T) Colleague This colleague often attended informal workplace social events even when he didn’t want to. I couldn’t understand. He also often cancelled plans last minute or invited me to last minute plans. When I found out about his personality profile, I understood: The Turbulent aspect makes him care a lot about what other people think The Explorer aspect makes him seek fun and novelty The Prospecting aspect makes him very spontaneous and unpredictable By reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths: artistic (he sings and writes songs), charming, and imaginative. These are all weaknesses for me, so we complement each other well. He also often talks about doing things like opening a hammock café or making a career out of voice acting, which is his hobby. As a Judging type, I keep trying to get him to make a plan or schedule for when he will get into voice acting. But he’s a Prospecting type, so it’s not very useful for me to keep pushing him to plan. Now that I understand these differences between our personalities, I don’t have any ungrounded expectations for him. Part 6: Frequently Asked Questions Question 1: When I do the 16 Personalities test multiple times, I get different results. Can I fall into multiple profiles? The short answer is no. The longer answer is, most people fit firmly into one profile, while some people might have some characteristics of a second profile. Firstly, it’s very important that you answer the questions honestly and not answer what you think you should say or what you ideally want to be. Just be completely honest. I actually suggest doing the test multiple times and see how consistent your results are. Secondly, people exhibit characteristics of their profile to different degrees. For example, let’s say Person A is 51% Introverted, 51% Observant, 51% Thinking, and 51% Judging, and Person B is 88% Introverted, 88% Observant, 88% Thinking, and 88% Judging. Both of them are ISTJ, so both of them are Logisticians. But Person B exhibits the characteristics of Logistician much more. Now, most people will probably be obviously more dominant in most of the 5 traits, but perhaps in 1 or maybe 2 of the traits, they’ll fall closer to the 50/50 split. Question 2: The personality profile result I get doesn’t seem to accurately describe me. Is the test wrong? It’s probably not the test that is inaccurate but more likely your answers were inaccurate. People might get inaccurate results because they misunderstood questions in the test, which then resulted in them picking answers that don’t truly reflect themselves. If your results don’t seem accurate, try to do the test again and go slower, making sure you understand each question. Other times, people might choose an answer that they think should be the answer rather than just being completely honest. In that case, re-do the test and just be completely honest with your answers. Also, if any of your 5 traits fall close to the 50/50 mark, try looking at the other profile. For example, if you are INFJ, but you are 55% I and 45%E, and you feel like the INFJ profile doesn’t fit you, try looking at the ENFJ profile. That one might fit you much better. Question 3: Can people’s personality change over time? Most likely not. People can compensate for their traits, but they can’t change their inherent nature. For example, someone who is a Thinking type can learn emotional intelligence, but they are still naturally a Thinking type; their first instinct is to use logic. Another example: someone who is an introvert can learn social skills and appear to be an extrovert, but at the end of the day, they will get drained by all those social interactions and need alone time to recharge. Question 4: So, if I know someone’s 16 Personalities profile, does that mean I know pretty much everything about their personality? No. While 16 Personalities is comprehensive, it doesn’t tell you everything about them. To get an even better understanding of people, you should learn about their values. For example, a Debater who values being of service to others will behave differently from a Debater who values looking smart. Another useful personality framework I use in conjunction with 16 Personalities is the Four Tendencies. That framework looks specifically at how people respond to expectations.

Alan Zimmerman that one of the most common complaints in the workplace is, "You can do 100 things right Similarly, I imagine one of the most common complaints in all relationships is, "I do so many things We still need to communicate with them about their bad behavior, but we do it in a calm and caring way If they truly made a mistake or had a bad behavior, then we should communicate with them in a calm, caring

Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, some parents asked questions related to difficult situations with their children. Although I am not a parent myself, I do teach young children, and I certainly encounter similar situations.  Moreover, I know there are many parents out there who might face similar struggles, so I am writing this article to share some wisdom related to educating children.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Even if you are not a parent or do not teach children, you probably have people complain to you about their problems. The principles for helping others resolve their problems are the same, so the content in this article should still be useful for you.   Situation 1: Cheating On A Test A parent asked, “One, my son’s classmate from another class messaged him the test paper for next week. I saw this message on his phone and that he already downloaded this file, meaning he already looked at it. I was worried that my son thinks cheating is fine, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt first and asked him why he looked at that test paper file.   He said to me, ‘Oh I’m just curious what kinds of questions might be on the test. If there are any questions I don’t understand, I can prepare more beforehand.’   I said, ‘OK. But it’s important to know that cheating is wrong.’   The next day in class, that teacher actually showed the students the same test paper and told them to study it for the test next week. The week after, the real test was exactly that test paper. I’m quite baffled at how even the teacher promotes unethical behavior! What can I even do?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? Of course, there isn’t one correct answer, so I’ll give my thoughts and my teacher’s reply just for consideration. I thought to myself, I would first affirm the child for taking his studies seriously; after all, everyone needs more encouragement nowadays. Then I would talk to him about the importance of ethics and that if we try to obtain results in an unethical way, it would result in a guilty conscience that haunts us in the future. This long-term mental suffering is not worth the short-term material gain.   My teacher replied, “This is a great educational opportunity. You can help your son develop his ethical discernment and ability to think about situations more holistically. For example, you can discuss with him why the teacher might do this kind of unethical behavior. Perhaps it’s because the teacher faces pressure from the school or parents to have students get grades; Otherwise, she’ll receive a bad performance review. You can ask your son, do you think the teacher knows that her behavior is unethical? If yes, then don’t you think this teacher is struggling to get by? The teacher has a tough situation, so we can try to be more understanding towards her rather than judgmental. We can also discuss from the perspective of classmates. If only a few students see the test paper in advance, do you think that’s fair? Do you think other classmates would be upset at you for cheating? If you cheat to get a high grade, can you feel proud of yourself? Is it really worth it then? We also need to show empathy to the kid. We can tell him that we understand his difficulty. If everyone else looks at the test paper and cheats to get a high score, but he doesn’t cheat and then gets a low score, he’ll feel very bad and stupid. We can even say, ‘If I were you, I would want to cheat too.’ When he feels understood, he’ll be more open to our advice. Then we can tell him ‘We have to restrain ourselves from doing what we know is wrong. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you’ll be glad you did it after the test because you’ll have a clear conscience. Unlike the students who cheated, you can look people in the eye and say ‘I’ve never cheated on a test!’ How awesome would that feel? I care much more about your moral character than your grades, and our happiness in life also depends on our character, not our grades. You can do it. I believe I you.’” Situation 2: Conflict With A Classmate Another parent asked, “I recently faced an awkward situation with my son and his classmate. That day, my son’s classmate was sick and missed class. This classmate then messaged my son to ask what the homework was, but my son didn’t reply, so this classmate messaged me to ask my son to reply. I then asked my son about it, and he said, ‘Mom can you just ignore him? He likes to scold me and call me names in class.’   I told him, ‘What are you saying? Your classmate wants to be good and do homework. You should help him!’   My son then started crying. I was quite flustered, so I replied to that classmate and said, ‘Sorry I am very busy tonight. Why don’t you ask another classmate?’   The classmate replied, ‘OK, thank you ma’am.’   I then showed this message to my son and said, ‘OK I told him to find another classmate. But look, he’s a pretty polite boy! Try to be nicer to him.’ My son was quite unhappy still.   What can I do in this situation?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, this mother probably needs to give more understanding to her son first before criticizing him and demanding high moral standards from him. Moreover, it’s probably not a good idea to cover up for the son, as that might make the son think as long as he cries, his mother will give him what he wants. Of course, if I had to reply her, I’d be softer in my messaging.   My teacher replied, “This is another great teaching opportunity. As mentioned earlier, we need to teach our children to think from other people’s perspectives, to expand their hearts, to not only think about themselves all the time.   We can help the kid try to see the perspective of that classmate. This classmate often bullies you, yet when he’s sick and missed class, he still came to you for help. How do you think he feels about you? Clearly, he thinks you are a person with a big heart, a person who is willing to forgive him and help him in his time of need. If I were you, I’d feel quite touched by that.   From another perspective, maybe he has no friends at all. Otherwise, why would he ask for help from someone he bullies? Do you think he likes having no friends? He probably wants to be good and have friends, but he can’t control his bad habit of calling other people names, so he's quite miserable deep down inside. When we understand his hardship, we can feel more compassion for him.   Also, we parents need to be more careful of unintended consequences. I know you were probably trying to comfort your son when you showed him the message you gave to that classmate, but what your son might learn is that as long as he cries and shouts, his mother will grant his wish. It’s not wrong to try to comfort our children, but we need to guide them towards proper thinking. If it’s a really tough situation, you can grant your child’s request, but we should say something like, “This time, due to very extenuating circumstances, I will grant your request, but we cannot do this next time.”   You also didn’t need to lie to that classmate. You could’ve said something like, ‘I asked my son, but he is a bit reluctant because he said you bullied him. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt him, so I will try to talk to him more. But in the meantime, it might be best for you to ask another classmate for help.’   We can also give more encouragement to the child to expand his heart. We might say something like, 'I know it’s very hard to help someone you dislike because he bullied you. But think about it: just because others treat us unkindly, does that mean we should treat them unkindly? What others do is their matter, but what we do is our matter. Our moral character has a huge impact on our life, and a person of high moral character treats all people well. If you can expand your heart and help him, I’ll be very proud of you, and we can celebrate together with your favorite snack and movie.’”   Situation 3: Venting About School Another parent asked, "How can I help my child maintain respect towards a bad teacher? My daughter is in grade 8. Whenever she comes home, she complains about how unreasonable her teacher is. She says the teacher demands them to be in their seats 5 minutes before class starts, and the teacher always ends 5 minutes late. Because this teacher cuts away 10 minutes from their break time, she doesn't even have enough time to use the washroom.   Whenever she comes home, she always vents about this teacher. I told her to not always focus on other people's faults, but I can't say that this teacher is right. I've listened to her vent for hours about this teacher, to the point that I just said, 'Can we take a break from this topic please?'   Moreover, she gives herself so much pressure to get high grades. I've told her before that we don't ask for high grades from her, but that didn't resolve her stress. She is so scared of being at the bottom of her class, but at the same time, she isn't happy when she gets high grades. Instead, she is scared that she can't get as high a grade next time. It seems like nothing I say can help her."   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, wow this daughter vented for hours? That's some serious resentment! And wow, the mother listened for 2 hours? I should praise her for her patience. At the same time, we really shouldn't let the daughter vent for that long. At that point, I feel like the more she complains, the more her resentment grows, so it becomes counter-productive, not to mention anger is harmful for our health. We should try to divert her attention to something else. And then when she's calm, we can guide towards actually solving the problem, like focusing on how we can adapt ourselves to the teacher rather than demanding the teacher to change.   My teacher replied: "The more agitated and emotional the other person is, the more calm and rational we need to be. If we become agitated and emotional along with them, then we'll only worsen the problem. For example, if your daughter comes home and starts venting about how annoying that teacher is, you could give her a smile and say, 'Hey sweetie, I can see you've had a tough day. Why don't you come sit down and relax while I give you a shoulder rub? Do you want some hot chocolate?'   She'll probably be caught off guard by this unexpected kindness, and her negative emotions might reduce a lot, then she'll naturally stop venting so much. After she's calmed down, we can discuss reason with her. We can help her try to see the situation in a different light and understand her teacher's perspective.   I might say, 'Wow, sounds like your teacher has it pretty rough. He tries so hard at his job to make sure his students get good grades, but as a result, his students are all upset at him. What a tragedy!'   Or I might say, 'You know, I'm pretty jealous of you. Your teacher actually cares a lot about your performance, and he's willing to sacrifice his time for you guys by starting class early and ending late. This way, you have a better chance of getting better grades, getting into a better university, finding a good job, and having a brighter future. Your teacher isn't just doing the bare minimum to get by!'   I might also say, 'Yes, school is rough right now. School is rough for most people. But how long will these school years last? You're in grade 8 right now. In less than 10 years, you'll probably be graduated from university. The effort you put in these 10 years will influence the rest of your life. If you live until 70, then these 10 or so years of effort will impact the next 60 years after. So even if it is hard work and tiring right now, isn't it worthwhile?'   Just to be clear, there is no panacea or one-size-fits-all solution. These are just some ideas I thought of. The important thing isn't to learn the content of my answers, but rather the attitude and frame of mind that I have which allows me to come up with these answers. You need to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, put yourself in that teacher's shoes, and then guide your daughter towards effective and positive thinking, and the way you guide her needs to be suitable for her. Don't be overly demanding."   My Experience: Dealing With A Rude Classmate I was able to practice emulating my teacher's spirit recently. I tutor a few students aged 10-12, and one of them is quite rude (let's call him Bob). Another student (let's call her Betty) always gets really upset when Bob calls her names or steps on her shoes or pushes her. Of course, I've told Bob many times to be respectful and to apologize, but it's not easy for him to change his habits. I then decided to also tell Betty to work on herself rather than always demanding others to change.   I had a short talk with Betty, and I first tried to help her feel understood. I said, "I know you must feel very upset and annoyed at Bob for his rude behavior. It's tough, and I want you to know that I really appreciate your good behavior in class." I then tried to help her see the situation in a different light. I said, "Do you have a habit that you find hard to change?" She said, "I guess slouching."   I said, "Yeah, me too. We know we shouldn't slouch, but we just subconsciously keep doing it. Similarly, Bob has a habit of being rude, maybe because growing up, he saw a lot of rude behavior, so he naturally learned it. What's more, he thinks this is normal and fine. I am trying to change his way of thinking as well, but it really takes time to change someone's habit and way of thinking, so I hope you can help me by role modeling respectful behavior for him and being patient towards his change process. That would be a big help to me."   She said, "OK I'll try."   I said, "Thank you! Also, I want you to think about this question: can Bob really make you upset?"   She said, "Yes of course he makes me mad."   I said,  "Are you saying then that Bob is in charge of your feelings? Who should be in charge of our feelings? It should be ourselves, right? We decide how we feel. Not other people. So no matter how other people treat us, we always have the choice to decide how we feel and react. I want you to try it next time. When Bob tries to provoke you, tell yourself, 'I am going to choose to remain calm because I choose my feelings'. If you can do that, I'll give you a point each time [students in my class can trade points for rewards]. Besides, if you get upset, that's probably exactly what Bob finds entertaining. But if you remain calm and respectful, he might get bored of teasing you."   The next week when we had class, Betty told me about all the annoying stuff Bob did this past week, and that she got really angry at him one time, but she managed to control herself and not get angry two times. I told her, "Wow I am so proud of you! Controlling our anger is one of the hardest things, and you managed to do it twice! You totally earned two points."   Conclusion When trying to help others with interpersonal problems, we need to first understand the perspectives of each person involved and realize that everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. When we see people's positive intentions, or when we understand others' difficulties, we won't be so critical and judgmental towards them. Second, we need to help the complainer calm down and feel understood before we start talking about reason and logic. Third, when we do speak about reason and logic, it needs to be in a way that resonates with them, and the advice we give should make them feel like it's achievable. Weekly Wisdom #318

In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, shares an encounter he had with a father that had trouble with his son: A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me at all.” “Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “That’s right,” he replied. “Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because HE won’t listen to YOU?” “That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied. “I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested. “OH!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again, as the light began to dawn. “Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what he’s going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.” This man didn’t have the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside his boy’s head. He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including his boy. While we may chuckle at this father, the reality is, we are all guilty of committing the same offense constantly. Why can’t my parent/child be more understanding? Why can’t my employees be more hardworking? Why can’t my boss be more supportive? The problem is always someone else, and we never reflect to think how changing ourselves might solve the problem. Not only do we try to control others, but we do it unknowingly. As a result, we hurt others and ourselves, and we don’t even know how it happened. People are not machines, and we should not be trying to control them. Image Source: Unsplash How big of a deal is it that we try to control others? Robert Waldinger answers this question in his TED Talk, What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness. As you may guess from the title of his talk, our tendency to control others has a huge impact on our happiness. Waldinger is the fourth director of The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked the lives of 724 men for 75 years, starting in 1938. Studies like this are exceedingly rare, but through a combination of luck and persistence from generations of researchers, this study survived. The study found that wealth, fame, and working harder do not make people happy. Instead, having quality relationships is the single greatest driver of our happiness and health. Period. Everyone wants to be happy and free of suffering. Since quality relationships is a key driver of happiness, trying to control others (whether unconscious or not) is literally going against what we want in life. So now that we know how severe this problem is, how do we stop trying to control others? First, we must accept that we do try to control others, and we must decide to improve. Next, we need to develop a heart of kindness and a mind of humility. A heart of kindness means that we do not see ourselves as the main character of the world, but rather, we seek to benefit others. A mind of humility means we focus on the good points of others and overlook their bad points because we understand that everyone has their individual strengths and weaknesses. Humility also means we look for our weaknesses and seek to continually improve ourselves. So instead of trying to get my parent/child to be more understanding, I should be more understanding first. Instead of demanding my employees to be more hardworking, I should create work for which the employees want to work hard for, and I should be a boss that my employees respect and want to work hard for. Instead of wishing my boss would be more supportive, I should be an employee that my boss wants to praise and support. As Liao Fan once said, “If things do not go our way, it is because we have not cultivated enough virtues to move others.”

Applying the Teachings After cultivating my speaking habits, I’ve found my communication abilities and

Previously, we looked at the DISC personality framework, which tells us how to communicate with others A common example is a New Year’s resolution. A common example is a friend asking you to go to the gym with him/her to exercise together. When communicating with rebels, we should use this sequence: Information-Consequence-Choice. I can communicate logic later when we are both in a good mood.

One student said, "Communication skills. I learned it's not enough to just know knowledge, I have to be able to communicate it as well." past student recently, and she told me that she was surprised at how many of her peers lacked good communication For example, communication skills, interpersonal skills, and emotional intelligence are all so important Have I invested enough in my soft skills, such as communication, emotional intelligence, and conflict

A couple weeks ago, I shared a story about a conflict that someone had with her mother-in-law. A key learning from that story was that sometimes, we think we are totally right and the other person is clearly at fault. But if we were more humble and wise, we would see our mistakes. When we see our own mistakes, we would stop feeling resentment and instead feel clarity on how to improve ourselves and prevent the same problem from occurring in the future. I was recently reminded of that story when a student asked me for some advice regarding some conflict he was having with his home room teacher. He believed that his home room teacher is quite illogical and unreasonable sometimes. I asked him to give some examples of conflicts with that teacher. He said, "Earlier this morning, she came to remind me to submit a university application by Sunday. I said, 'Yes I know. Here is my plan, which explains what I will do day by day.' The teacher said again, 'OK just make sure you submit it by Sunday.' I said, 'Yes I know, my plan says that I will submit it by Sunday.' She said, 'You should pay attention to your attitude.' I got annoyed because I was simply replying her concern. I don't understand why she reminded me a second time after I showed her my plan. Another time, we needed to set up some tables and chairs for an activity. We have always done it a certain way, but the home room teacher wanted to do it a different way. I said, 'If you do it that way, it will have this kind of problem. It’s better if we do it the usual way.” But she still insisted on doing it her way without any logical reason, so I got annoyed and raised my voice at her." These two examples really reminded me of that daughter-in-law who said to her mother-in-law, "Mom, if you have any problems with me, just tell me directly. You don't need to tell others behind my back." If we just look at the content of those words, it seems reasonable. But when we look at the attitude behind those words, we see opposition, annoyance, and arrogance, and therein lies the source of their conflict. This student has the same problem with his home room teacher. The First Incident I said, "OK, I can see why you might get upset at your home room teacher. But let's try to jump out of your perspective and see the whole situation more objectively. When your home room teacher reminded you to submit your application on Sunday, what kind of intention did she have? Was it negative, neutral, or positive?" He said, "Probably positive. She was just trying to remind me to do something I need to do." I said, "I agree. But you did not see her positive intentions. Instead, you got annoyed at her. Why?" He wasn't sure. I continued, "I think it might be because you were overly focused on the matter. She mentioned the application, and right away you said you already know. If you were focused on her kind intention, you would have said 'thank you' first. Try seeing things from her perspective. If you do something nice for others, but the other person treats you disrespectfully in return, how would you feel? Most of us would feel annoyed or upset. That’s just normal human sentiment." He nodded slowly in agreement. I then added, "We can go deeper here. At the beginning when she reminded you the first time, you did not feel gratitude. Instead, you felt annoyed. I think you might have unfair prejudice towards her. You often view her actions as illogical or causing trouble. But let me ask you: Do you think anyone purposely tries to be stupid? Do you think anyone purposely tries to be bad? Of course not! We all do the things we do because we believe it is the right thing to do. Besides, your home room teacher is a kind person! There’s no way she is purposely trying to cause trouble or upset you. So why do you have to view her actions as causing trouble? So the root of your problem is your unfair prejudice towards her. Every time you have a conflict with her, the matter is different. This time it's the university application, next time it's the tables, another time it will be something else." He nodded and said, "Yes! I feel like there's always new things arising that cause conflict between us!" I continued, "Exactly. Even though the matter changes each time, the root of the conflict never changes, and that root is your attitude towards her. If you truly respect and appreciate this teacher, you would’ve said something like, 'Thank you teacher. I have already made a plan to make sure I submit it on time. Could you have a look and let me know if it is OK?' Or even better, you would have taken initiative to report this plan to her before she had to remind you. So basically, she came to you with positive intentions, yet you replied with negative emotions. So the problem actually started with you, not with her. When you encounter a problem, don't blame others, always reflect on yourself. He said, "Wow I never thought of it that way. How would you think to say, 'Thank you teacher. Here is my plan. Can you check to see if it is OK?' I feel like I can't think of that in the moment." I replied, "Great question. Like I said earlier, you need to cultivate a respectful attitude. When you truly respect someone, you would naturally know to say this. Have you ever heard of Seven Timely Acts of Love? Those are really important for cultivating respect. Anyway, I'll just give you three to practice with your teacher: Ask for guidance, check your understanding, and report your results. You should do this towards all elders, whether it be parents, teachers, or leaders. For example, after our discussion, you can report your key learnings to that teacher. Then she would feel like you respect and trust her, and she can remind you of these lessons in the future too." He looked a bit reluctant, so I said, "Maybe you feel like your trust level towards her is not there yet. But she is a good person. She truly wants the best for you, and she has lots of life experience. Besides, the important thing is, you need to cultivate YOUR respect and humility. Let me ask you: Do you want to receive advice and guidance from wise elders?" He said, "Of course." I said, "OK, so if a wise elder sees the way you treat your home room teacher, would he want to give you advice? You need to learn from Emperor Tang. No matter who gives him criticism, he always accepts it without argument. One time, someone criticized Emperor Tang unfairly. Afterwards, a minister said to him, 'Your highness, that person's criticism was completely wrong! Why didn't you argue back?' Emperor Tang said, 'If I had argued with him, then he would feel bad. After he leaves, he would tell people that he tried to advise the Emperor, but the Emperor argued with him. In that case, who would dare to advise me in the future?' If you can be like Emperor Tang, then wise elders would definitely take initiative to give you advice." He looked surprised but convinced. The Second Incident I decided to move on to the next incident. "Let's talk about your other incident regarding the table and chairs. You thought that your home room teacher was illogical for raising wanting to arrange the tables and chairs in a new way. But did you check with her why she wanted to do it that way?" He said, "Yes. But her reason didn't make sense. She thinks it is a good idea, but if we actually do it, she'll realize the problem. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't listen. I understand you said I should respect her, but what if her idea is wrong?" I said, "That is a very valid concern. Our elders are not sages. They have faults and problems too. Some are serious, some are minor. If they want to do immoral things like killing, stealing, cheating, or lying, then of course we need to stop them. But if it is something minor, then we can gently advise them. If they are still insistent, we should yield and let them have what they want. Otherwise, it will make them very annoyed and upset, and we don't want them to be upset. We can wait until they are in a better mood to try advising them again. In your case of arranging the tables and chairs, is that a major issue or a minor one?" He said, "I guess it is pretty minor." I said, "Exactly. So you are wrong for being so stubborn about it. I used to have conflict with my mother, but later I made a rule for myself: Harmony is more important than logic. Harmony is king. So when my mother asked me to do something that I felt was illogical, and she couldn't persuade me, I still did it anyway. These are all minor things. Maintaining harmony is a major thing." He asked, "But why are you able to prioritize harmony when their idea is illogical? Don't you feel a little bit reluctant?" I said, "Yes, at the beginning, I had to force myself. But over time, it gets easier. Ultimately, it goes back to cultivating our gratitude and respect towards the other person. In the case of my mother, I remind myself that without my mother, I would not be here today. Our parents go through so much hardship, trouble, and worry for us. If I make her upset, then that is like stabbing a loved one in the back. In the case of your home room teacher, can you feel how hard she works for all of you students? She is not that young, and her health is not excellent, but she still works so hard for all of you. Without her, would you have this study environment? Can you feel that she really wants you to have a bright future, and that’s why she worries sometimes? Are we deserving of this kind of love? Do we repay their love with respect? If not, then shouldn’t we be ashamed of ourselves? When we deeply appreciate the other person, we would not argue about every little thing, we’d let them have what they want because we want them to be happy. Maybe arranging the tables her way might be a bit inconvenient, but the way you made her feel is the important thing. You can do it her way first, then ask her again afterwards. Maybe once she realizes her method is not that great, she will change. But even if she doesn’t change, it’s fine because it’s a small matter, and making her happy is much more important. When she feels that you have a respectful attitude towards her, your relationship will naturally get better. So the root of everything goes back to your attitude.” By this point, we had chatted for nearly two hours, and I could feel that his mentality towards himself and his home room teacher had started to change. He felt less confused and helpless in his conflicts with her, and he had some ideas for how to improve. Concluding Thoughts The problem that this student had is also a problem I am working on, and I think it is a problem most of us have. Hence, my intention for sharing this story is to help myself and others avoid this problem. It's easy for us to see other people's problems, but it's much harder for us to be aware of our problems. That's why when we have conflicts with others, it is often helpful to get advice from a wise, neutral third party. In this case, I was able to help this student because that story of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law was fresh in my head, and I didn't have any partiality towards the student or that home room teacher. But just because I am able to give this advice doesn't mean I can practice it consistently, so this is also a reminder for me to walk my talk and not be a hypocrite. Let us all work towards this goal: When things don't go according to our wishes, don't blame others, don't blame circumstances, find our own problems and improve ourselves. Weekly Wisdom #239