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The book is about cultivating virtues like compassion and humility, and in it, Liao Fan urges the reader This virus eats things like eggs, dairy, and heavy metals. Hence, I went vegan for health reasons. This virus is responsible for diseases like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple sclerosis

Image Source This past week, I heard a story from my mentor that really left a lasting impression on me. The story seems normal at first, but there is a plot twist at the end, and I love the story's morale. Below is the story. Mr. Qiuyu Yu (余秋雨) is a well-respected contemporary writer in China. When he was working on a book called “Searching for Germany”, he actually went to live in Germany in order to deeply experience life in this country. He found a room on the fifth floor of a rental apartment from a friendly old German landlord. After he inspected it, he liked it a lot and wanted to sign a long-term rental contract immediately. The old man smiled and said, “Yong man, you haven’t lived here yet. You don’t know for sure whether or not you will like it. Why don’t you sign a short-term contract first? After you personally experience living here, you can decide whether you want to sign a long-term contract or not.” Mr. Yu agreed and signed a five-day contract first. The room was very cozy, and even though he lived on the fifth floor, he didn’t need to bring the garbage down. All he had to do was leave his garbage bag outside his door, and the cleaning staff would pick it up every day to ensure the corridors were clean. The landlord is a very trusting person, so he made any surprise visits to check on his tenant. On the fifth day, Mr. Yu was thoroughly satisfied. He called the landlord and told him he wanted to sign a long-term rental contract. The landlord said, “Sure, I’ll come over later today with the contract.” Mr. Yu was excited. Then, something terrible happened. He accidentally broke an expensive-looking glass vase in the room. He was worried that the landlord would rescind the offer due to his clumsiness, so with a heavy heart, he called the landlord and told him what happened. To his surprise, the landlord said, “It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to do it, and at least you didn’t get hurt. The vase is not that expensive. I’ll bring a replacement later.” Mr. Yu was relieved and eagerly awaited the old man to bring the contract. In the meantime, he decided to clean up the broken glass, put it in the garbage bin, and put it outside the room. Soon after, the old man arrived. Before Mr. Yu had a chance to speak, the old man asked, “Where are the broken pieces of the vase?” Mr. Yu said, “Oh, I cleaned it up and put it outside in the garbage bin.” The old man hurried outside, opened the garbage bag, looked inside, then came back into the room with a gloomy face. He told Mr. Yu, “You can move out tomorrow. I will not rent this house to you anymore.” Mr. Yu was stunned. He asked, “Is it because I broke your favorite vase?” The old man shook his head and replied, “No, it’s because you don’t have anyone else in your heart other than yourself.” Hearing this, Mr. Yu was confused. Then he saw the old man get a broom, tweezers, pen, and garbage bags, went outside to the garbage bin, and re-organized the garbage. The old man carefully picked out all the glass fragments, put them in a separate garbage bag, and wrote a label on that bag saying, “Caution: Glass Fragments Inside.” He then put all the other garbage in another bag and labeled it saying, “Safe.” Mr. Yu finally understood, and he felt nothing but admiration and respect for this old man. In the following years, he frequently shared this story with others, and each time, he couldn’t help but sigh. Commentary: Who would you rather be friends with, Mr. Yu or the old landlord? Yet, who are we more similar to? If we want happier relationships, more harmonious families, and a more peaceful world, we need more people like the old landlord, people who are always considerate of their impact on others. The best person to start with is ourselves. If we can be more like that considerate old man, we will certainly influence the people around us, just like how that old man inspired Mr. Yu. Lao Tzu said, "View others' gains as my own gains. View others' losses as my own losses." At first, I thought, “Why should I bother about other people’s happiness? That’s their business. I should just take care of my own happiness.” To which my mentor replied: "If only you are happy, but the people around you are unhappy, how long will your happiness last? If only you are healthy, but all the people around you have the flu, how long will it be until you catch the flu? Therefore, caring for others is caring for ourselves." I then learned that a person who has a considerate heart will show that consideration with every action, whether it be Sorting the garbage (carefully) Speaking (kind of beneficial words) Eating (food that is healthy so that loved ones wouldn’t worry) Sleeping (early so that loved ones don't need to worry) Wearing clothes (that are appropriate for their position and situation) Cooking (food that others enjoy and is healthy) Buying groceries (that are local or organic to benefit the environment) If everyone used a considerate heart in their daily life, imagine how much happier and more harmonious our relationships would be. Not only would we be happier, our society would be more peaceful too! So let's do our part to cultivate a considerate and kind heart in our daily actions. Weekly Wisdom #212

He didn't know the true standards for good and bad, right and wrong, virtue and sin.   So we really need to learn the standards for good and bad, right and wrong, virtue and sin, and these But the wise philosophers of the past taught us to seek virtues such as kindness, respect, humility, From this, we can see Mencius' emphasis on love and respect, and that practicing these virtues brings Are their values aligned with virtues and good fortune?

Benjamin Franklin had a list of 13 virtues that he aimed to achieve his whole life, and frugality was Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues. For tips on how to do that, check out this article. 7: Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues need to take care to limit alcohol consumption for the sake of our mental health, physical health, and virtues Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues.

Image Source In the 1930s, there was a great educator named Xingzhi Tao (陶行知), who was the principal of a middle school. One day, he saw a student about to throw a rock at another student. Mr. Tao immediately told that student to stop. The student was shocked and embarrassed that he was caught by the principal. Mr. Tao told the young boy to see him in the principal's office at 3:00PM. Then he went to investigate the situation to make sure he got the facts right before deciding on a punishment. At 2:50PM, the boy was already waiting outside the principal's office. His mind was full of thoughts about so many things: the rude classmate that he wanted to throw a rock at, the guilt for his wrong behavior, the fear of the principal's punishment, the embarrassment of being laughed at by his classmates, and the worry about his parents finding out. The principal was pleased to see that the boy arrived early and called him in. He then gave him a piece of candy and said, "You are very trustworthy. Not only were you not late, but you are actually a little early! Here's a piece of candy for you." The boy was quite surprised. The principal then said, "When I told you to not throw the rock, you immediately stopped and listened to me. That shows you are very respectful towards elders. Here's another piece of candy for you." The boy thought he was going to get scolded, yet the principal was actually praising him! The principal continued, "I also investigated the situation and found out that you were throwing a rock at a student who was bullying girls. This shows you are a kind person with a sense of justice. Here's another piece of candy for you." By this point, the boy was very moved by the principal's kind encouragement, and he said, "I'm sorry. Even if my classmate was bullying girls, I shouldn't throw a rock at him." The principal was pleased and replied, "It is rare for a person to be able to admit their own mistakes, so I'll have to reward you with one more piece of candy. Alright, that's enough for today's meeting. You can go back." In the future, this boy's behavior improved significantly, and he was inspired to become a middle school teacher thanks to Mr. Tao. Commentary I heard from motivational speaker Dr. Alan Zimmerman that one of the most common complaints in the workplace is, "You can do 100 things right and not hear a single word of praise or appreciation. But you do one thing wrong, and management is all over you." Similarly, I imagine one of the most common complaints in all relationships is, "I do so many things right, but you never notice, praise, or encourage me. I do one thing wrong and you criticize me right away." The Guide to a Happy Life says, "Praising others' goodness is a good act in itself. When others hear this, they will be inspired. Speaking of people's sins is a sin in itself. When resentment accumulates, disaster will eventually come." Indeed, we all like people who say good things about us, and we resent people who speak bad things about us, especially behind our backs. If we want to accumulate good relationships and avoid bad ones, then we ought to look for everyone's good points and praise them, just like how Mr. Tao looked for the good points of that young boy. If Mr. Tao had instead scolded him, the boy's future might be very different. The Gottman Institute found that happy couples have at least a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio. That means for every negative interaction they have, such as criticisms or conflict, they have at least 5 positive interactions, such as praise, encouragement, and acts of kindness. Excellent marriages have a 20:1 ratio. The takeaway? We need to praise people more and not scold them with anger or resentment. But this does not mean we ignore their bad deeds and pretend like we don't see them. Mr. Tao did not ignore the young boy's bad behavior. We still need to communicate with them about their bad behavior, but we do it in a calm and caring way, without anger or blame. For example, if the other person did not wash the dishes well, we should not get angry and say, "What's wrong with you? You can't even wash the dishes properly?" This kind of criticism kills relationships. The other person might think, "I am so tired today, and I still did the dishes, and the first thing you do is criticize me for one dish that was not fully clean? Why do you always look for my mistakes instead of appreciating my efforts?" Instead, we can say, "Thank you for doing the dishes, especially when you look so tired already. Wow this dish is so clean! Oh this one still has a spot on it. Here, you should rest, I'll clean that one." If the person often does not clean the dishes properly, we could say, "Thank you for always doing the dishes. I am lucky to have you. I noticed that some of the dishes are not fully clean, and I am concerned that maybe you are doing things with a very rushed attitude. With dishes, the consequences are small. But with bigger things, the consequences would be big, so I am telling you this to help you avoid mistakes in the future." From that above example, we can see the person is coming from a place of care and respect, not from a place of blame and anger. Naturally, the receiver of the message would be more appreciative and less defensive. Conclusion: Good relationships are key to our happiness and mental health. Relationship conflicts are also a major source of suffering. A simple and free solution is simply to praise the other person more! If they truly made a mistake or had a bad behavior, then we should communicate with them in a calm, caring, and respectful manner, and not scold them with anger or annoyance. Weekly Wisdom #228

Did you know that people speak on average anywhere from 6000 to 16000 words a day ? But more importantly, are we doing good with our words? Or are we wasting our words? Or worse, are we creating conflict and suffering with our words? Ancient philosophers all emphasized the importance of cultivating our speech. For example, Socrates taught the Triple Filter Test : before saying something, make sure it is true, good, and useful. Cato the Younger was a great orator whose public speeches were capable of moving the masses. He said, "I begin to speak only when I'm certain what I'll say isn't better left unsaid." The Importance of Our Speech You might be thinking, "That sounds like a lot of unnecessary hassle…Do I really need to be so careful with my speech?" I would ask, "Do you want a happy life and happy relationships?" Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” The longest scientific study done on happiness is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of this study, and he reported, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” According to the Gottman Institute , happy marriages have at least a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio, meaning that for every negative interaction in the relationship, there are at least 5 positive ones. Excellent marriages have a 20:1 ratio. If the relationship approaches a 1:1 ratio, then that marriage is headed for disaster. We can infer similar situations for other relationships too, such as relationships with family, at work, and with friends. Think about it: How much of our relationship conflict is related to our speech? A criticism here, a sarcastic remark there, another complaint here. Before you know it, conflict is born. Conflict at home leads to a lot of unhappiness. Conflict at work hinders our professional success. Therefore, cultivating our speech is absolutely essential for happy relationships and a happy life. Broadly speaking, we want to avoid "bad" speech and only speak what is helpful, useful, and timely. But what are some specific examples that we commonly encounter in our daily lives? Venerable Jing Kong gave five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance . Complaining brings resentment. Tolerance is wisdom. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect . Sarcasm leads to contempt. Respect brings understanding. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care . Hurtful words create opposition. Caring words bring friendship. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion . Speaking words of command is tyranny. Speaking words of discussion is true leadership. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement . Criticism creates distance. Encouragement brings out potential. These five have some overlap, but they also have their unique aspects. Let's look at each in more detail. 1: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance What's uncool to do, a burden to hear, and common everywhere? No one likes a complainer, so let's not be one ourselves. Complaining creates negative emotions within ourselves and causes others to resent us. That's quite a bad deal, right? Besides, guess who suffers most from always complaining? Hint: it's not them. A wise person knows that complaining doesn't help anybody, and it hurts us the most. Rather than complaining, wise people focus on solving the problem. Wise people also prioritize harmony over matters. For example, rather than saying "Why are you always so busy? Can't you prioritize me for once?" "Why are my employees so lazy? They just do the bare minimum." Instead we can say "Hi honey, I know you've been extremely busy recently, and I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate how hard you work for the family. It's not easy being in your shoes, and I admire your diligence. I do have a request though. Do you think you could free up an evening with me next week to go out and have some fun? That would really make my week. But I know you are very busy, so if you can't, it's okay too." "Thank you to all the employees for your dedication and support every day. It has come to my attention that some employees are lacking motivation at work. As your leader, I want to give you a positive and supportive working environment. Please communicate with me more about how we can achieve this." From these examples, we can see that effective speech shows tolerance, understanding, and respect towards others. It also proposes a solution and makes an offer for further communication. 2: Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect Oftentimes, people use sarcasm because they think it is funny, or to avoid directly communicating about a problem. After saying sarcastic words, the other person will feel offended and say, "How can you say that?" The speaker then says, "I'm just kidding! Don't take things so seriously!" In other words, sarcastic people deceive themselves and others. They think they are "just kidding", but deep down, there is truth to what they are saying, otherwise they wouldn't even think of saying it. They tell the other person they are kidding, but the other person is doubtful. If we can't openly and respectfully communicate about a problem, the relationship is headed for disaster, and both parties will have a lot of suffering ahead. Just to be clear, some sarcasm can be humorous. For example, if a person says, " I'm a MasterChef. My specialty is burning toast. " That's fine. That doesn’t offend anyone and is kind of funny. Here, we are referring to sarcastic speech that offends others. For example, we should not say things like "My partner doesn't have any good points. Just kidding!" "I just love it when my partner ignores me, which only happens every day. Just kidding!" "I think my partner loves his/her phone more than me. Just kidding!" "I think my partner has Alzheimer's. He always forgets about me. Just kidding!" If we continually make sarcastic remarks about someone, that person will eventually feel contempt and hate us. One simple solution is simply to not say sarcastic speech. If we want to communicate about a problem, we should use a respectful and caring intention. For example, we can say, "You know I care about you, and that means I want you to be your best self. I really hope you can be more conscientious about XYZ. I know it's not easy, and I probably don't understand everything about your situation and how you feel, but I'm willing to chat openly about it. I also know that I'm not perfect either, so I'm willing to improve myself for you too." Problems are unavoidable in relationships. Good relationships aren't those that don't have any problems, they are those that can openly communicate about problems and solve them in a harmonious way. That requires us to avoid hurtful speech like sarcasm and to speak with a loving and respectful heart. 3: Speak less words of hurt and more words of care Complaints and sarcasm both hurt others. In this context, I think "hurtful speech" is more harmful than complaints and sarcasm, and it often arises out of anger or hate. For example: "You're hopeless!" "Why can't you be as smart as your brother?" "That's a stupid idea. Why would you even think of something like that?" Hurtful speech causes emotional wounds. Physical wounds heal in time. Emotional wounds might cause suffering and resentment for a lifetime. On the other hand, caring words spoken in someone's time of need can make them feel like their world still has hope and give them motivation to keep going. Given how big the impact is, we really need to develop endurance against anger and cultivate caring speech. People who speak hurtful speech and get angry easily are highly insensitive to others' feelings. The solution then, is to be more caring and sensitive towards others. Instead of blaming them, try to understand why they are like that. After all, no one tries to be stupid. No one tries to be bad. We all do things because we think it's the right thing to do. Perhaps we were wrong, but that doesn't mean we like being wrong or stupid. Or perhaps it is a bad habit, but that doesn't mean we want to be a slave to bad habits. How would you want others to treat you when you make a mistake or act according to bad habits? Most people would want others to show understanding and care rather than harshly blaming or criticizing. We can say things like, "It's okay, we're all human. We've all made that mistake before. I believe you will be better in the future." "If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be the same as you, if not worse. It's not easy for you, but I believe in you." "This is a serious problem, and I'm concerned for your wellbeing. How can I help?" When we speak words of care and understanding, we will strengthen our relationship even, and especially, in the face of challenges. 4: Speak less words of command and more words of discussion This one focuses on people in positions of power, such as parents and bosses. It also applies to people of equal power, such as spouses, coworkers, and friends. It's easy to become arrogant when we have power. After all, those below us usually have no choice but to follow our commands. But if we become tyrants who always command others and never listen to other people's opinions, then other people will accumulate resentment and eventually rebel against us. Words of command leave no room for discussion. For example: "I need you to complete this task by tomorrow evening." "This weekend we are going to clean the house at noon, and you need to be here. No excuses!" "I bought this new shirt for you. Don't wear that old shirt anymore. It's ugly. From now on, wear this new one." Words of discussion would sound like this: "Are you busy recently? I have a really important task that needs to be done as soon as possible. Would you be able to do it by tomorrow evening? You can put other tasks on hold to work on this one first." "I think our house really needs some cleaning. What do you think? Would you be free this Sunday at noon to clean with me?" "I know you really like that shirt, but I just don't like it very much. Would it be possible for you to wear a different shirt? I'll even pay for you to buy a new one, and you can pick!" Effective leaders are caring and humble. They would understand their followers' needs and difficulties, and they would consult their followers for their input. In this way, their followers will be loyal and supportive. To elaborate further within the context of family relationships, I heard an interesting phrase called "loving you without your permission." It refers to when people use the disguise of love to try to control others. For example, "I bought this for you. It's very healthy. Eat it." But what if the other person doesn't like it? What if the other person doesn't want it? Did you ask them if they want it? If they already said they don't want it, we shouldn't force them to do something they don't want to do. Now you might object and say, "But they clearly need it. I really am doing it for their own good. If they don't change, they will have negative consequences." That's a fair point. But if our goal is truly to help them, then we would help them change in a way that they can accept. For example, if someone smokes ten cigarettes a day, it's very very hard for them to stop completely the next day. If we force them to make such a big change so fast, then we lack empathy and kindness. True kindness is patient and encouraging. We would help them think of ways to change, and we would support them patiently. 5: Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement To me, criticism sounds very similar to complaints and hurtful speech. To differentiate them, I think complaints are lighter than criticisms. Criticisms and hurtful speech both hurt others, but in this context, I think hurtful speech carries the intention to make others feel bad, while criticisms might not. When we criticize others, we often do so because we are annoyed at their behavior, but we might not actually be trying to hurt them. Even though we don't have that intention, the result of criticism is still hurting others, so we need to be careful to avoid it. One of the most common workplace complaints is "You can do a hundred things right and no one notices. You do one thing wrong and they're all over you." I'm pretty sure leaders aren't trying to make their workers feel demotivated, but that's exactly what happens when there's a lack of encouragement and too much criticism. We especially need to say more words of appreciation and encouragement to those working in thankless jobs, such as janitors, receptionists, nurses, and customer service workers. William Cowper said, “I believe no man was ever scolded out of his sins.” Again, when we criticize others about their bad behavior, we probably want them to change. But we might not realize that criticizing them isn't helpful. In fact, it only makes them feel worse and creates opposition. As a result, they refuse to listen to us, which is counterproductive towards our hopes. That's really unfortunate. Everyone is trying their best to live their life, to do what they think is right, and everyone needs affirmation and moral support. Let's try to make the word kinder and better by noticing other people's efforts and encouraging them more. Rather than criticizing others for their problems, we should show understanding, provide a solution, and affirm them that they can be better. In this way, we can truly help them bring out their potential. For example, rather than saying "How could you forget to bring the keys? You are always so careless." "Your report has many errors. This is unacceptable." We can say "You've been really busy and tired recently, so maybe that's why you forgot the keys. I'm sure you'll be more careful next time. Maybe you can keep a set of spare keys in the car to prevent this problem in the future." "This report was a big task, and I know you worked very hard on it in the short time given. Thank you for your hard work. You are still accumulating experience, and I'm sure you will do better in the future. Next time, please communicate with me more during the writing process so that we can catch errors earlier and prevent a last-minute scramble." When we speak words of encouragement and understanding, and when we provide a solution rather than just criticizing, we show that we are on their side, that we want the best for them, and that we believe in them. In this way, they will trust us and have motivation to improve. My Experience The one that resonates with me the most is "speak less words of complaint". I have a bad habit of complaining, and I've been working on it a lot over the past couple of years. In fact, I did a 21-Day No Complaint Challenge , and have continued to be vigilant since. I'm much better now, but I still have room for improvement. I don't really speak sarcasm. When others speak sarcastically to me, I usually take it seriously and don't realize it's sarcasm until they tell me. As a teacher, I try to speak more words of discussion and less words of command with my students. For example, students need to submit assignments by a certain date. But I tell them that if they have extenuating circumstances, they can communicate with me and we might be able to make an exception. I also like to give students options to choose from, such as whether they want to do a test or a presentation, or whether they want a study class or an extra lesson. This way, they feel heard and respected. Like anybody, I've been on the receiving end of criticisms and hurtful speech. I told myself, "I need to not be like this towards others." Hence, when I give criticism, I'm careful to first say something positive first, then provide a solution and request them to change in a respectful way. This is much easier when done in writing. If I have to respond on-the-spot orally, sometimes I still end up criticizing without respect and without providing a solution. That's something I need to keep working on. Conclusion Everyone wants to have happy relationships and a happy life. Unfortunately, most of us weren't taught the importance of speech and how to speak effectively in a way that promotes harmony. Thus, we need to take it upon ourselves to learn and practice now. This article looked at five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement. Which one resonates with you the most? How can you work on it? Weekly Wisdom #266

Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, some parents asked questions related to difficult situations with their children. Although I am not a parent myself, I do teach young children, and I certainly encounter similar situations.  Moreover, I know there are many parents out there who might face similar struggles, so I am writing this article to share some wisdom related to educating children.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Even if you are not a parent or do not teach children, you probably have people complain to you about their problems. The principles for helping others resolve their problems are the same, so the content in this article should still be useful for you.   Situation 1: Cheating On A Test A parent asked, “One, my son’s classmate from another class messaged him the test paper for next week. I saw this message on his phone and that he already downloaded this file, meaning he already looked at it. I was worried that my son thinks cheating is fine, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt first and asked him why he looked at that test paper file.   He said to me, ‘Oh I’m just curious what kinds of questions might be on the test. If there are any questions I don’t understand, I can prepare more beforehand.’   I said, ‘OK. But it’s important to know that cheating is wrong.’   The next day in class, that teacher actually showed the students the same test paper and told them to study it for the test next week. The week after, the real test was exactly that test paper. I’m quite baffled at how even the teacher promotes unethical behavior! What can I even do?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? Of course, there isn’t one correct answer, so I’ll give my thoughts and my teacher’s reply just for consideration. I thought to myself, I would first affirm the child for taking his studies seriously; after all, everyone needs more encouragement nowadays. Then I would talk to him about the importance of ethics and that if we try to obtain results in an unethical way, it would result in a guilty conscience that haunts us in the future. This long-term mental suffering is not worth the short-term material gain.   My teacher replied, “This is a great educational opportunity. You can help your son develop his ethical discernment and ability to think about situations more holistically. For example, you can discuss with him why the teacher might do this kind of unethical behavior. Perhaps it’s because the teacher faces pressure from the school or parents to have students get grades; Otherwise, she’ll receive a bad performance review. You can ask your son, do you think the teacher knows that her behavior is unethical? If yes, then don’t you think this teacher is struggling to get by? The teacher has a tough situation, so we can try to be more understanding towards her rather than judgmental. We can also discuss from the perspective of classmates. If only a few students see the test paper in advance, do you think that’s fair? Do you think other classmates would be upset at you for cheating? If you cheat to get a high grade, can you feel proud of yourself? Is it really worth it then? We also need to show empathy to the kid. We can tell him that we understand his difficulty. If everyone else looks at the test paper and cheats to get a high score, but he doesn’t cheat and then gets a low score, he’ll feel very bad and stupid. We can even say, ‘If I were you, I would want to cheat too.’ When he feels understood, he’ll be more open to our advice. Then we can tell him ‘We have to restrain ourselves from doing what we know is wrong. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you’ll be glad you did it after the test because you’ll have a clear conscience. Unlike the students who cheated, you can look people in the eye and say ‘I’ve never cheated on a test!’ How awesome would that feel? I care much more about your moral character than your grades, and our happiness in life also depends on our character, not our grades. You can do it. I believe I you.’” Situation 2: Conflict With A Classmate Another parent asked, “I recently faced an awkward situation with my son and his classmate. That day, my son’s classmate was sick and missed class. This classmate then messaged my son to ask what the homework was, but my son didn’t reply, so this classmate messaged me to ask my son to reply. I then asked my son about it, and he said, ‘Mom can you just ignore him? He likes to scold me and call me names in class.’   I told him, ‘What are you saying? Your classmate wants to be good and do homework. You should help him!’   My son then started crying. I was quite flustered, so I replied to that classmate and said, ‘Sorry I am very busy tonight. Why don’t you ask another classmate?’   The classmate replied, ‘OK, thank you ma’am.’   I then showed this message to my son and said, ‘OK I told him to find another classmate. But look, he’s a pretty polite boy! Try to be nicer to him.’ My son was quite unhappy still.   What can I do in this situation?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, this mother probably needs to give more understanding to her son first before criticizing him and demanding high moral standards from him. Moreover, it’s probably not a good idea to cover up for the son, as that might make the son think as long as he cries, his mother will give him what he wants. Of course, if I had to reply her, I’d be softer in my messaging.   My teacher replied, “This is another great teaching opportunity. As mentioned earlier, we need to teach our children to think from other people’s perspectives, to expand their hearts, to not only think about themselves all the time.   We can help the kid try to see the perspective of that classmate. This classmate often bullies you, yet when he’s sick and missed class, he still came to you for help. How do you think he feels about you? Clearly, he thinks you are a person with a big heart, a person who is willing to forgive him and help him in his time of need. If I were you, I’d feel quite touched by that.   From another perspective, maybe he has no friends at all. Otherwise, why would he ask for help from someone he bullies? Do you think he likes having no friends? He probably wants to be good and have friends, but he can’t control his bad habit of calling other people names, so he's quite miserable deep down inside. When we understand his hardship, we can feel more compassion for him.   Also, we parents need to be more careful of unintended consequences. I know you were probably trying to comfort your son when you showed him the message you gave to that classmate, but what your son might learn is that as long as he cries and shouts, his mother will grant his wish. It’s not wrong to try to comfort our children, but we need to guide them towards proper thinking. If it’s a really tough situation, you can grant your child’s request, but we should say something like, “This time, due to very extenuating circumstances, I will grant your request, but we cannot do this next time.”   You also didn’t need to lie to that classmate. You could’ve said something like, ‘I asked my son, but he is a bit reluctant because he said you bullied him. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt him, so I will try to talk to him more. But in the meantime, it might be best for you to ask another classmate for help.’   We can also give more encouragement to the child to expand his heart. We might say something like, 'I know it’s very hard to help someone you dislike because he bullied you. But think about it: just because others treat us unkindly, does that mean we should treat them unkindly? What others do is their matter, but what we do is our matter. Our moral character has a huge impact on our life, and a person of high moral character treats all people well. If you can expand your heart and help him, I’ll be very proud of you, and we can celebrate together with your favorite snack and movie.’”   Situation 3: Venting About School Another parent asked, "How can I help my child maintain respect towards a bad teacher? My daughter is in grade 8. Whenever she comes home, she complains about how unreasonable her teacher is. She says the teacher demands them to be in their seats 5 minutes before class starts, and the teacher always ends 5 minutes late. Because this teacher cuts away 10 minutes from their break time, she doesn't even have enough time to use the washroom.   Whenever she comes home, she always vents about this teacher. I told her to not always focus on other people's faults, but I can't say that this teacher is right. I've listened to her vent for hours about this teacher, to the point that I just said, 'Can we take a break from this topic please?'   Moreover, she gives herself so much pressure to get high grades. I've told her before that we don't ask for high grades from her, but that didn't resolve her stress. She is so scared of being at the bottom of her class, but at the same time, she isn't happy when she gets high grades. Instead, she is scared that she can't get as high a grade next time. It seems like nothing I say can help her."   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, wow this daughter vented for hours? That's some serious resentment! And wow, the mother listened for 2 hours? I should praise her for her patience. At the same time, we really shouldn't let the daughter vent for that long. At that point, I feel like the more she complains, the more her resentment grows, so it becomes counter-productive, not to mention anger is harmful for our health. We should try to divert her attention to something else. And then when she's calm, we can guide towards actually solving the problem, like focusing on how we can adapt ourselves to the teacher rather than demanding the teacher to change.   My teacher replied: "The more agitated and emotional the other person is, the more calm and rational we need to be. If we become agitated and emotional along with them, then we'll only worsen the problem. For example, if your daughter comes home and starts venting about how annoying that teacher is, you could give her a smile and say, 'Hey sweetie, I can see you've had a tough day. Why don't you come sit down and relax while I give you a shoulder rub? Do you want some hot chocolate?'   She'll probably be caught off guard by this unexpected kindness, and her negative emotions might reduce a lot, then she'll naturally stop venting so much. After she's calmed down, we can discuss reason with her. We can help her try to see the situation in a different light and understand her teacher's perspective.   I might say, 'Wow, sounds like your teacher has it pretty rough. He tries so hard at his job to make sure his students get good grades, but as a result, his students are all upset at him. What a tragedy!'   Or I might say, 'You know, I'm pretty jealous of you. Your teacher actually cares a lot about your performance, and he's willing to sacrifice his time for you guys by starting class early and ending late. This way, you have a better chance of getting better grades, getting into a better university, finding a good job, and having a brighter future. Your teacher isn't just doing the bare minimum to get by!'   I might also say, 'Yes, school is rough right now. School is rough for most people. But how long will these school years last? You're in grade 8 right now. In less than 10 years, you'll probably be graduated from university. The effort you put in these 10 years will influence the rest of your life. If you live until 70, then these 10 or so years of effort will impact the next 60 years after. So even if it is hard work and tiring right now, isn't it worthwhile?'   Just to be clear, there is no panacea or one-size-fits-all solution. These are just some ideas I thought of. The important thing isn't to learn the content of my answers, but rather the attitude and frame of mind that I have which allows me to come up with these answers. You need to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, put yourself in that teacher's shoes, and then guide your daughter towards effective and positive thinking, and the way you guide her needs to be suitable for her. Don't be overly demanding."   My Experience: Dealing With A Rude Classmate I was able to practice emulating my teacher's spirit recently. I tutor a few students aged 10-12, and one of them is quite rude (let's call him Bob). Another student (let's call her Betty) always gets really upset when Bob calls her names or steps on her shoes or pushes her. Of course, I've told Bob many times to be respectful and to apologize, but it's not easy for him to change his habits. I then decided to also tell Betty to work on herself rather than always demanding others to change.   I had a short talk with Betty, and I first tried to help her feel understood. I said, "I know you must feel very upset and annoyed at Bob for his rude behavior. It's tough, and I want you to know that I really appreciate your good behavior in class." I then tried to help her see the situation in a different light. I said, "Do you have a habit that you find hard to change?" She said, "I guess slouching."   I said, "Yeah, me too. We know we shouldn't slouch, but we just subconsciously keep doing it. Similarly, Bob has a habit of being rude, maybe because growing up, he saw a lot of rude behavior, so he naturally learned it. What's more, he thinks this is normal and fine. I am trying to change his way of thinking as well, but it really takes time to change someone's habit and way of thinking, so I hope you can help me by role modeling respectful behavior for him and being patient towards his change process. That would be a big help to me."   She said, "OK I'll try."   I said, "Thank you! Also, I want you to think about this question: can Bob really make you upset?"   She said, "Yes of course he makes me mad."   I said,  "Are you saying then that Bob is in charge of your feelings? Who should be in charge of our feelings? It should be ourselves, right? We decide how we feel. Not other people. So no matter how other people treat us, we always have the choice to decide how we feel and react. I want you to try it next time. When Bob tries to provoke you, tell yourself, 'I am going to choose to remain calm because I choose my feelings'. If you can do that, I'll give you a point each time [students in my class can trade points for rewards]. Besides, if you get upset, that's probably exactly what Bob finds entertaining. But if you remain calm and respectful, he might get bored of teasing you."   The next week when we had class, Betty told me about all the annoying stuff Bob did this past week, and that she got really angry at him one time, but she managed to control herself and not get angry two times. I told her, "Wow I am so proud of you! Controlling our anger is one of the hardest things, and you managed to do it twice! You totally earned two points."   Conclusion When trying to help others with interpersonal problems, we need to first understand the perspectives of each person involved and realize that everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. When we see people's positive intentions, or when we understand others' difficulties, we won't be so critical and judgmental towards them. Second, we need to help the complainer calm down and feel understood before we start talking about reason and logic. Third, when we do speak about reason and logic, it needs to be in a way that resonates with them, and the advice we give should make them feel like it's achievable. Weekly Wisdom #318

As Liao Fan once said, “If things do not go our way, it is because we have not cultivated enough virtues

Have you ever been really busy, and then someone comes to talk to you about their troubles, and you're sitting there listening while thinking, "When is this going to be over? I don't have the time for this!" It can be a tough situation. On the one hand, we don't want to be cold and heartless. On the other hand, we got important stuff to do too! Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 Recently, a classmate of mine was talking about how when he was studying for a big test, his friends would come and talk to him about their relationship troubles. He would give them some advice, but it seemed like these people just wanted to rant, and they didn't listen to his advice. Moreover, as he listened more and more to them rant, he started to feel bad from all their negative energy. Hence, he decided to stay away from them and used his exam as an excuse. When I heard this, I thought it was reasonable. After all, we need to fulfill our responsibilities before helping others. But when my teacher heard this, he gave some wiser advice. If someone truly needs our help, but we ignore their call for help because we are too "busy", then we will have a guilty conscience. What if they commit suicide because we were their last hope, but we ignored them? So we need to first understand the seriousness of their situation. If they are feeling really low, then we should try to help. If it's a trivial matter, then we can politely decline. Assuming it is a serious matter, and they really want our time, then we have to consider our ability. If we only have 30 minutes, then we can tell them, "I really do care about you, but I also have some pressing matters right now, so I can only discuss for 30 minutes. But I promise you have my full attention for these 30 minutes." Moreover, we could recommend them to someone with better abilities. For example, we could say, "After listening to your situation, I think our mutual friend Sarah would be a good person to talk to about this issue. Let me ask her if she's free." It's important that we personally connect them to the third person rather than asking them to contact the third person, otherwise we are being irresponsible, and the other person will feel like we are trying to brush them off. Next is their willingness to listen to our advice, which would be reflected in their reaction to our advice and whether or not they act on it. If they just want to rant and are not interested in solving the problem, then we can limit our time with them. Sometimes, people seem to react positively to our advice, but then they don't follow through, and then later they come back to rant about the same problems. In this situation, we can set conditions for the next chat. For example, we can say, "Please try my advice before our next chat, and then we can talk about how it went." We could also ask them to watch an advice video or read an advice article before chatting, and then discuss that advice during the chat. These are all ways to reduce the amount of discussion time while also increasing the effectiveness of the time spent. My Reflection I'm reminded of this quote by Confucius: "Superior people follow the Middle Way, so they always do things to just the right degree. Common people violate the Middle Way, so they act without restraint." (Original Text: 君子之中庸也，君子而時中；小人之中庸也，小人而無忌憚也。) Oftentimes, people think in extremes. It's either I help them or I don't help them. But a better question would be, "To what degree do I help them? How do I help them to that appropriate degree?" The answer depends on many factors, such as How much do they really need you? How much ability do you have? How willing are they to listen to your advice? There have been times in the past where I overburdened myself trying to help others. That's probably why I was of the opinion that we need to protect our own time first and help others only when we have spare time. I went from one extreme (helping others at the cost of myself) to another extreme (unwilling to endure inconvenience for others). What I need to do is find the Middle Way, and that requires wisdom. Image Source For many people, it's easy to be compassionate at the beginning, but because we lack wisdom, the result turns out bad, and then we lose our heart of compassion, which is really a big shame. If humans only care about themselves and don't care about others, then what makes humans better than animals? Thus, it's so important that we cultivate both compassion and wisdom. Conclusion In situations where we are busy but others ask us for help, we don't need to offer them all our time, nor should we flat out reject them. We ought to consider the severity of their situation, and we can make more effective use of our time by setting time limits, requesting them to read certain advice beforehand, or referring them to someone with better ability. Of course, these tactics all need to be implemented in a polite manner and with a sincere attitude. We do not want the other person to feel like we are brushing them off or that they are being a burden to us. Not helping others when they ask for help is inhumane, but overburdening ourselves or wasting time is unwise. Compassion needs to be balanced with wisdom. Weekly Wisdom #240

Cultivate your own virtues and fix your own faults, then people will naturally respect you and follow Because everything should be done to cultivate the mind and to improve our virtues.

Indeed, the most useful and important things are improvements to our character and virtues. Virtues adorn the person." You have the virtues and talent deserving of that award inside you." Education on virtues and character is highly lacking in our modern society, and the media often lacks the future of our society, but knowing that there are some students who understand the importance of virtue

Image Source: Unsplash In the Sui Dynasty, there was a scholar named Xin Gong Yi (辛公义). His name literally means “Fairness and Integrity”, and he worked hard to live up to those aspirations from his parents. Once, he was traveling through Minzhou, and he saw sick people out on the streets with no one to take care of them. He found out that the Minzhou people had a custom where if a family member caught a disease, they would abandon that person out on the streets. Xin Gong Yi was extremely saddened to see these people completely lose their sense of filial piety and integrity. Hence, he took initiative to bring all these sick people to the government office, where he looked after them as if they were his own family. He also found many doctors to come and treat their illnesses. Once these sick people were healed, Xin Gong Yi then found their family members and had them come pick up their family members. He told them, “I’ve been with your family members for all these weeks, and I’m healthy. Surely you would have been fine too.” Upon seeing Xin Gong Yi’s virtuous example, the villagers felt very ashamed of themselves, and they changed their ways to become more filial and loving. As a result of Xing Gong Yi’s influence on them, they bestowed him the title of “Compassionate Mother”.