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Recently, I was talking to my mentor about some conflicts I had with people. Essentially, they think I'm wrong, and I think they're wrong. Being the wise person that he is, my mentor didn't side with anybody. Instead, he said, "Faults are like poop. When it's your own, you don't care. But when you see other people's, you're absolutely appalled. Isn't that hypocritical?" Icon Sources: 1, 2 I understood his analogy and stopped complaining. Indeed, instead of arguing who's right, the conflict would be easily dissolved if I simply tolerated the other person's faults. After all, we all have faults and bad habits. If we could tolerate others' faults the same way we tolerate our own faults, then there'd be no conflict! This isn't to say that their behavior doesn't need improvement, but I should focus on improving myself first because that's in my control, and only when I improve myself do I have the right to ask others to improve. Moreover, using a blaming attitude towards others just makes things worse. If we can tolerate and accept them for where they're at, then we can approach them with patience, tolerance, and encouragement. As I reflected on this analogy more, I found other similarities between faults and poop. For example, some people have very negative and critical self-talk. If a person talks to oneself harshly, then she will probably talk to others harshly as well. I certainly have had this experience, and I've had to work on my self-talk to become more positive, loving, and respectful. We can remember the poop analogy again. No one scolds themselves saying, "What's wrong with you! You pooped again!" or "You're such a horrible person for needing to poop every single day!" or "Wow, your poop is so stinky. You're such a failure." Similarly, we shouldn't scold ourselves every time we make a mistake. We should encourage ourselves the way we would encourage a little kid learning to walk: with a loving tone and strong belief. We can tell ourselves, "Making mistakes is a normal part of being human and a natural part of the learning process. The important thing is that I learn from my mistakes. I should judge myself based on my ability to correct my mistakes quickly as opposed to not making mistakes. I can definitely do better next time!" Another way faults are like poop is that we shouldn't hold on to them. If we have lots of faults, others will avoid us as if we smell like poop. If we keep holding on to our poop, it will hurt us. Similarly, if we don't eliminate our faults, whether it be anger, laziness, arrogance, or carelessness, those faults will keep hurting us. Unfortunately, a lot of us have gotten used to "fault constipation", so eliminating mistakes doesn't come as naturally to us as eliminating poop; it's something we have to consciously work on. To continue this analogy even further, both faults and poop ought to be studied. Studying our poop gives us clues about our digestion, which is why doctors ask us about our poop! Similarly, our faults and mistakes give us clues about our mental and emotional health because all mistakes stem from the mind. If we can study our faults and mistakes and correct them, then we will become better people. An important principle in medicine is to treat the root cause as opposed to the symptom. For example, if a person has constipation, eating laxatives is treating the symptom. As soon as you stop eating those pills, the constipation returns. Oftentimes, the root is in the person's diet. Perhaps if the person ate more fiber in their daily diet, the constipation might go away. That's thinking in terms of the root as opposed to the symptoms. The same is true for studying our faults. The bad action we do is the symptom, but the root of the problem is in our mind and deep inner beliefs. For example, I have a bad habit of complaining. The act of complaining is the surface-level result, but the cause is in my mind. My mind is too entitled and arrogant; I believe that everyone should think like me. Hence, I can fix the root by changing my thoughts. Instead of telling myself, "What! This person is so unreasonable!" I change my thoughts to, "No one tries to be stupid or bad on purpose. Everyone is doing what they think is right, or they are acting out of habit. Either case, I shouldn't be judgmental towards them because I am the same." This is just one example of getting to the root of a fault. Everyone has different faults and bad habits, and we all need to find the root of our problems. After we figure out the root problem, we'll have to undergo a period of training to unlearn an old thinking pattern and learn a new thinking pattern. I previously wrote about my 21-Day No Complaint Challenge, which was a great kickstart to my training. But even now, I still catch myself complaining, so we need to persist for a long time to change an old habit. Even though it's hard work, it's certainly better than being full of poop/faults! These are just some of my realizations from the fault-poop analogy. The next time you get annoyed at somebody's fault or problem, try to treat them the same way you would treat yourself when you see your own poop. And of course, we all need to work on eliminating our poop and faults! Weekly Wisdom #252

I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at negative people. Dr. Zimmerman shared a story of one of his friends in New York City. This friend would buy a newspaper from a newsstand every day, and he would greet the salesman cheerfully, saying, " Good morning Charlie! Nice to see you! "   Charlie then replies, " Eehh keeh ." Not even a greeting. Just a spitting sound.   The friend then gives the money and takes the paper, saying " Thanks a lot Charlie! "   Charlie then replies again, " Eehh keeh. "   The friend then says, " Have a good day Charlie! "   Image Source: ChatGPT One time, someone asked the friend, " Does he always act that negatively towards you? "   He said, " Yeah, he's always like that. "   The person then asked, " Do you always treat him that nicely? "   He said, " Of course. "   The person asked, "Why?"   He said, " I'm not going to let others decide my feelings and my behavior. "   Dr. Zimmerman also shared a story of back when he used to work as a professor in a university. He would walk around the hallways in the morning greeting other professors and students. He'd say with positive energy, " Good morning! Take care! See you around! "   Most people would reply positively back to him. But for two years, there were two people who never responded back. They remained grouchy and impolite. Dr. Zimmerman eventually got impatient and thought to himself, " Forget it! How long do I have to be positive to get a response out of those two! "   Then he stopped and reminded himself, " I'm an actor, not a reactor. I will not catch their disease. I don't know what their problem is. Maybe they're constipated every morning. Whatever their reason is, how they behave is their matter. But I will continue being positive towards others because it's the right thing to do, not because it's the easy thing to do. And I give myself a pat on the back for reinforcing my good attitude. "   Dr. Zimmerman further comments: Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains.   Commentary When faced with negative, rude, or inconsiderate people, most people habitually react with annoyance, impatience, or anger. But if we think about it, letting others ruin our mood is quite a bad deal, isn't it? Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you'd be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?"   If we still let others ruin our mood, it's time to take back our sovereignty and refuse to let others dictate how we feel. Of course, the big question is how? First, we need to know our triggers and practice reacting in an ideal manner. Second, we need to cultivate stillness. As long as we persevere, we can definitely change our habits.   To use myself as an example, I've identified people and things that trigger me, such as people who are rude, who don't keep their word, who criticize before understanding, and who exaggerate things. Every morning, I do a visualization meditation  where I visualize myself being calm, patient, and unaffected by these types of people. When I encounter such people in the course of my day, I remind myself that this is my training opportunity. Sometimes I succeed in being calm, other times I fail. The more I practice, the better I get.   The other important thing to do is to practice stillness in everyday life. Stillness is a state of calm, tranquility, and emotional stability that is unmoved by external disorder. As Marcus Aurelius said, “Be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the raging of the sea falls still around it.”   We can cultivate stillness (literally making the mind still) through calming activities like meditation , slow breathing, yoga, or simply being focused and present in whatever it is we are doing. When our minds are in a calm state, we are much less likely to have big waves of emotions. When others are agitated, we won't catch their agitation so easily. Instead, we can exert stillness onto them and help them calm down.   (Aside from knowing our triggers and cultivating stillness, there are many more methods of practice. For more on this topic, check out my article Ten Ways To Deal With Difficult People .)   Everyone carries emotional energy (AKA moods), and this energy is contagious. When we interact with others, there are three possibilities: Their emotional energy is stronger than ours, and our mood gets changed by them. Our emotional energy is stronger than theirs, and their mood gets changed by us. Both people's energy are extremely strong, and neither gets changed by the other.   If we repeatedly interact with someone over a long period of time, then either we will change them, or they will change us. For example, in one of the classes that I teach, I have a "trouble student" who is quite rude. When I first started teaching him a few months ago, he often called his classmates names and even called me names. He'd randomly get up and leave the classroom, or lean back in his chair, or even lie on the ground and refuse to get up. When I call him or tell him to do something, he often doesn't listen. There was one classmate who always got really upset at him, and he would find it very entertaining to watch this classmate get upset.   Other teachers warned me about this student beforehand, so I told myself before I even met him, " Either I will change him, or he will change me, and I'm not going to let him change me. No matter how rude he is, I will not get angry or impatient with him. I will role model respect and calm for my students. "   So despite his rude behavior, I never once lost my temper with him. But this doesn't mean I'm unprincipled or overly nice. I enforce my principles through a reward system where students get points for good behavior and lose points for bad behavior, and they can trade points for rewards such as ice cream or bubble tea. Whenever he has rude behavior, I threaten to take away his points, and he usually apologizes. I'm also pretty generous in giving points, and he's pretty eager to earn points.   After a few months of class, he gradually became influenced by me and other teachers. He calls classmates names a lot less now, he is more willing to apologize, he can sit properly for the majority of the class, and he even shares things with classmates and praises classmates. Of course, he still has a lot of room for improvement, but change takes time, and I must not be impatient for quick results. As long as I manage myself and make sure I set a good role model, others will eventually get influenced.   Conclusion An actor chooses how they feel, and their positivity and calm can influence others. A reactor can't help but feel annoyed, upset, or angry at others' bad behaviors. If we want to become more of an actor, then we need to know our triggers, practice responding in our ideal manner, and cultivate stillness in daily life. We can also shift our perspective to be thankful to these people who trigger us, for they are providing us with the training we need to change from a reactor to an actor. Weekly Wisdom #329

This type of attitude also kills relationships. When it comes to relationships, unhappy people focus their energy on The faults of the other person What They want others to give more to the relationship while they take more. It's no wonder they have so many conflicts in relationships! loving relationships, check out this article .

Relationships Secondly, our beliefs impact our relationships, which is one of the most important factors Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age the four sprouts in others; as a result, we will treat others more positively, resulting in better relationships us to treat them negatively, which makes them return negativity towards us, ultimately damaging the relationship believe in their goodness, we will treat them with positive intentions, creating a more harmonious relationship

First is happy relationships, especially with family. comes from having good relationships. Out of all the relationships, the relationships with our parents is most fundamental. So how are your relationships with your parents now?"   The reason I focused on her relationship with her dad is because the foundation for all our relationships

Did you know that gratitude improves our happiness, relationships, immunity, sleep quality, and stress When we apply philosophy properly, we gain happiness, peace of mind, harmonious relationships, productivity When we make good decisions, we gain happiness, harmonious relationships, and success.

High trust means we have a great relationship with them, and they are willing to listen to our advice directly and say, "I think you should…I advise you to…" But if we don't have a lot of trust in the relationship We should give advice differently based on the relationship dynamics: For those above us, we should use 🎄 Wishing you lots of good cheer, happy relationships, and effective advising 😉

The main challenge for Analysts is social relationships and maintaining harmony. They also tend to be stubborn and don’t like drama in relationships. Explorers are strong at quick-thinking and bringing fun and excitement to relationships. A lot of conflict happens in relationships because of unrealistic or ungrounded expectations for each Below are some examples of people who I’ve analyzed and had a better relationship with as a result.

These past few weeks, I have been attending a workshop on traditional Chinese culture. Venerable Jing Kong is considered a hero in revitalizing traditional Chinese culture, and last week, he passed away. Many people all around the world were extremely upset. Some people were in denial. Some people felt empty. Image Source Fortunately, those of us in the workshop had the guidance of good teachers, and they helped me recover after a couple of days. Lots of people were not as fortunate as me, and they continue to be depressed and sullen. Facing the death of loved ones is inevitable in life, so I wanted to share four things I learned from this experience. 1: Be loving while they are alive. One teacher said, "If you wait until they are dead to cry in agony, then you were not loving and dutiful enough while they were alive. Cherish them now. Then you won't feel regret when they're gone." My two grandmas are pretty old now, and I reflected on whether there was anything I still need to say to them or do with them. The main thing I wish for is to spend time with them, but I can't return to China to visit them right now due to visa restrictions. Hence, I can focus on the next best thing, which is to call and message them more. As long as we try our best, there is nothing to regret. I also try to not hold any grudges or conflicts in my heart. If I encounter any misunderstandings, I do my best to communicate and untangle the conflict as soon as possible. After all, no one can guarantee if they will still be alive on this Earth tomorrow. If we imagine that the person we have conflict with might die tomorrow, then we would naturally tell them how much we care about them, and that the conflicts are insignificant. Here is a great video on this topic: 2: Follow the Middle Way: Not too little. Not too much. It is fine and normal to be sad and to cry when a loved one passes, but we should remember the Middle Way. We should not suppress our emotions. Suppressing our emotions is very harmful for our health. At the same time, we should not be excessive in our emotions. For example, some people become so depressed that they refuse to eat for many days, which then damages their health greatly. If we realize that our emotions are excessive and impacting our ability to function normally, then we need to seek help. A great thought exercise to do is to imagine what the deceased person would say to us if they saw us depressed right now. They would probably say something like, "I know you are sad. Don't be so sad for so long. I want you to continue living a good and happy life." This helps us realize that to be truly loving towards them, we should recover our regular life and peaceful emotions sooner rather than later. 3: Ask them their wishes for you while they are alive. If we are clear on what our loved ones wish for us, then we can work towards fulfilling their wishes while they are still alive. Then, when they are gone, we won't feel like we neglected them. In other words, go ask your parents, grandparents, teachers, mentors, or any other loved ones, "What do you hope for me?" I asked this question to my parents and mentors, and I work towards their hopes for me every day. It is also a great conversation topic to revisit every once in a while. When we update them on how we are working towards their hopes for us, they will surely feel happy and loved. This way, we can prevent feelings of regret or emptiness when they depart this world. After they pass, we can turn the sadness we feel about their passing into motivation to continue living their hopes for us. 4: Carry on their dreams. While they are alive, we should also ask them what their dreams and aspirations for themselves are. We can then help them towards fulfilling their goals both when they are alive and after they pass. For example, my hero worked hard to revitalize traditional Chinese culture. Now that he is gone, I should continue to contribute to his mission. I can turn any sadness I feel about his passing into motivation to carry on his legacy. Conclusion Above are four things I learned this past week due to the passing of a loved one. If you have other wisdom on this topic, I would love to learn. What we can do today is to reflect on these questions: Have I been loving enough to my loved ones? Do I have any grudges or misunderstandings that I would regret not resolving if they passed away tomorrow? Do I know very clearly what my loved ones hope for me? Do I know the dreams and aspirations of my loved ones? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #197 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

They felt terrible after arguments, and they much rather preferred to have a harmonious relationship,

very politely at first... ...but eventually, you got annoyed, and it became a point of conflict in the relationship To give an analogy, we can imagine our relationship with people as a bank account. Good relationships have a positive balance. Bad relationships have a negative balance. Later, I learned from the Gottman Institute that happy relationships have a 5:1 positive to negative But my intention was to improve our relationship, not for any selfish gain, so I persisted.

Second, they often criticize other people, which hurts their relationships. Negative relationships and arguments are a big source of misery. Moreover, since we are tolerant towards others, we will have happy relationships, which is a great source Moreover, it's very natural to have love in the family due to the blood relationship, so it's the easiest My Experience I remember when I was young, I had a good relationship with my parents, especially my mother