Awakening Others' Morality

Alex Chen
42 minutes ago
11 min read

Have you ever scolded or criticized others for their faults and mistakes? Did they change afterwards? If so, was that change long-lasting?

I once heard a thought-provoking quote from William Cowper:

"I believe no one was ever scolded out of his sins."

Here, scolding refers to venting anger at the other person. That just makes the other person feel bad, and they might feel our anger is excessive, in which they would feel wronged and oppose us. Although scolding might feel good in the moment, it breaks trust with the other person and reduces their motivation to improve.

Confucius said,

"Leading the people with regulations and governing them through punishment, the people will try to avoid punishment and have no shame. Leading the people with virtue and governing them through propriety, the people will have a sense of shame and constrain themselves."

(Original text: 導之以政，齊之以刑，民免而無恥；導之以德，齊之以禮，有恥且格。)

Confucius does not deny the need for laws, rules, and punishment, but he is saying that these are not enough. If we only use rules and punishment, but the people do not feel that what they did is wrong (i.e., do not feel ashamed), then the people will simply try to not get caught. The same is true if we are always scolding or criticizing others, but they feel like we're overreacting or being unfair to them.

If we want the other person to feel self-motivated to change, then we have to awaken their sense of morality and shame.

To do that, we need to use virtue. More specifically, we need to be sincerely kind and respectful. When they feel that we truly want the best for them despite their bad behavior, they will eventually feel that not improving themselves is morally wrong, and then they will be motivated to change on their own accord. Below are a few stories to illustrate.

Story 1: Emperor Shun at Lake Leize

Below is a story from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons:

"In the Yu Dynasty, there once was an emperor by the name of Shun. One day, before he became emperor, Shun was watching some fishermen on Lake Leize. He noticed that all the younger and stronger fishermen took the spots where the water was deep and the fish were abundant, while the older and weaker fishermen were left with the rapids and shallow water, where there were very few fish.

When Shun saw this situation, he felt sympathy for all those people, and he thought of a way to turn the situation around. He decided to personally join the fishing party to set an example for others. Whenever he saw fishermen plunder good fishing spots, he would conceal their faults and never even spoke of their selfishness. When he saw those who were humble and yielding, he praised them everywhere he went and even followed their humble and polite ways. Shun stayed and fished like this for a whole year until the other fishermen got into the habit of yielding good fishing spots to others."

One question people might have is, "I can understand why Shun would feel sympathy for the older and weaker fishermen, but why would he feel sympathy for the younger and selfish fishermen? Those bullies deserve to get scolded!"

True and sincere kindness is not conditional and does not discriminate among "good versus bad". Truly kind people wouldn't be mean or harsh to others just because they are bad or rude or selfish.

Moreover, we have to have faith that all people possess a conscience. It's just that some people's conscience get muddled by selfishness, but if they encounter a good role model, their inner conscience can be awakened, and their innate goodness can be brought out.

Think about it, if we could be a good person, who would choose to be bad? If we could be liked and praised by others, who would choose to be disliked and scolded by others? If we could have harmonious relationships, who would choose conflict?

So when Shun saw those younger and selfish fishermen, he felt it was a pity that these young people have a muddled sense of conscience. They have so much potential for goodness, but they're not realizing it.

Moreover, by being selfish and disrespectful towards elders, they are creating negative karma for themselves. Their arrogance and selfishness will create a lot of conflict and suffering. People will dislike them and not want to help them in the future. Thus, Shun also felt pity for them and wanted to help them recover their innate goodness.

We might also wonder why Shun didn't criticize the younger fishermen and instead fished with them for a whole year. Is that really necessary? Mr. Liao Fan answered this question in his comments to the story:

"A wise and intelligent man such as Shun could have easily influenced others with a few words. Why didn't he just use words to teach the people instead of personally joining the gathering? You should understand that Shun wanted those fishermen to feel ashamed of their own selfish behavior and change on their own accord. This really shows how deep and sincere Shun's kindness was."

Mr. Liao Fan also gave us very insightful advice on how to learn from Shun:

"In today's era of low morality, social breakdown, and loss of proper thinking, it is most difficult to find a good role model. Therefore, don’t let our strengths overshadow others. Don’t let our goodness make others look bad. Don’t let our strong abilities trouble others. Rein in our abilities and intelligence, as if without.

When we see others' faults, tolerate and conceal it. Firstly, this gives them an opportunity to reform without losing dignity. Secondly, when they know we know, yet we don't reveal their disgrace, they will be more restrained and behave more cautiously.

When we see others with even the slightest strength or goodness, we should whole-heartedly emulate them and praise them broadly.

In daily life, for every word we speak and every action we do, we shouldn't just think of ourselves, but rather think of setting a good role model for the world. This is truly being a great person who puts the world in one's heart."

For Mr. Liao to give such insightful advice, he must have had great role models who taught him well. One such person was his uncle-in-law.

Story 2: Covering Up for Servants

Mr. Shen Xinsong (沈心松) was Mr. Liao Fan's uncle-in-law. He lived in a coastal town and was quite well-off with many servants in the household. One time, he attended a banquet together with his servants. On the way there, his servants rowed the boat.

During the banquet, the servants got carried away drinking, and they passed out. Originally, it was supposed to be the servants who should have rowed the boat to carry Mr. Shen home. However, it ended up being Mr. Shen rowing the servants home. He personally delivered all the servants to their wives.

(Pause: If you were Mr. Shen, what would you be thinking about those servants? How would you treat them later?)

The next day, Mr. Shen didn't wake up on time. After a while, his wife thought something was wrong because Mr. Shen never wakes up so late. She then shook him awake and asked, "Why are you sleeping in so late today?"

(Pause: What do you think Mr. Shen is doing?)

Mr. Shen explained, "Actually, I'm already awake. Yesterday, the servants got too drunk, and I ended up having to row them home. They'll probably wake up very late today and feel bad for their behavior last night. If today I get out of bed before the servants, they will feel even worse when they see me. That's why I'm waiting until they've all gotten up before I get up."

His wife was quite touched by her husband's kindness towards the servants. We can only imagine how the servants and their families would feel when word eventually spreads.

Some people might argue that the servants should be punished to learn their lesson. There really isn't one correct answer suitable for all situations. We have to judge case by case.

In this case, Mr. Shen's servants probably had a good track record in the past, and he knows that they would feel ashamed of their behavior and be more motivated to do better if he concealed their faults.

However, some people have stubborn bad habits, and treating them nicely all the time might make them more daring. On the other hand, if they receive strict punishment, they know that certain behavior is not acceptable. Sometimes, we may need to enforce punishments because it's part of the rules or the law. This is necessary to protect the bigger group and maintain order.

But we can still enforce rules and punishments with a kind intention, with the intention to benefit them and help them reform, not with the intention to vent anger or for them to "get what they deserve". People can feel our intentions, and when they feel that we still want the best for them despite their bad behavior, that will also awaken their conscience.

Story 3: Zigao and the Gatekeeper

Around 2500 years ago, Zigao (子羔), a student of Confucius, was serving as an official in the State of Wei. Once, he had to oversee a punishment that involved amputating a criminal's foot.

Later, political turmoil broke out in the state, and Zigao's life was in danger. He hurried toward the city's outer gate to escape, but by the time he arrived, the gate had already been closed. Moreover, the gatekeeper happened to be the very man whose foot had been amputated under Zigao's orders.

When Zigao saw him, he was quite startled. To his surprise, the gatekeeper said, "Over there! There is a gap in the wall. The wall is lower there. You can climb over it and escape!"

Zigao replied, "An exemplary person does not climb over walls."

(Context: Zigao is trying to follow the teachings of his teacher. He believes that he should maintain a dignified manner, and climbing over walls is not dignified. One can argue that making an exception to save his own life should be more appropriate, but he chose to prioritize dignity. At the very least, his dedication to following his teacher's teachings is admirable.)

Seeing that Zigao would not climb the wall, the gatekeeper said, "Over there is a hole! You can crawl through it and escape."

Zigao replied, "An exemplary person does not crawl through holes."

At that moment, the pursuers were drawing near. The gatekeeper quickly said, “There is a room here. Hide inside first.”

Zigao hid in the room, and the gatekeepers distracted the pursuers until they left.

Afterwards, Zigao asked the gatekeeper: “I could not neglect the laws of the ruler and the state. Therefore, I personally oversaw the amputation of your foot. When I was in danger, it would have been the perfect chance for you to get revenge. Why did you save me?"

The gatekeeper replied: “The loss of my foot was the result of my own crime. I deserved the punishment. There was no avoiding it. But when you judged my case, you repeatedly examined the laws and regulations. You carefully considered every possibility and reviewed my case again and again. You sincerely hoped that I might receive a lighter sentence or even be spared from punishment.”

Thus, we can see that Zigao had sincere kindness towards all, even criminals. He did everything within the law to seek the most lenient outcome possible, that that's why the man whose foot had been amputated was grateful rather than resentful. Because of Zigao's virtue, that man was probably inspired to turn over a new leaf and become a better person afterwards.

Story 4: How King Zhuang's Kindness Saved His Life

During the Spring and Autumn period around 2500 years ago, King Zhuang of the State of Chu was once hosting a banquet for his ministers. Suddenly a strong wind blew out the lamps. Since everyone had been drinking, some misconduct occurred. One minister took the opportunity to tug at the robes of one of the king’s consorts.

The consort reacted quickly. As soon as someone grabbed her clothing, she immediately tore off the tassel (accessory) from the man’s hat and hurried to report to King Zhuang: “Someone behaved improperly towards me and pulled my clothes. Quickly relight the lamps, and identify whoever’s hat tassel is missing!”

(Pause: If you were King Zhuang, what would you do?)

King Zhuang said to her, "I'm sorry to hear that. However, since I invited everyone here and provided them with alcohol, I should let them enjoy themselves fully. I cannot satisfy only your wish while ruining everyone else's enjoyment. Besides, after drinking, it is understandable that some people may lose their composure. I hope you can be more tolerant and understanding."

He then made an announcement: "Tonight, everyone should drink freely until all the hat tassels are torn off!"

After hearing this, everyone tore off their hat tassels. When the lamps were relit, no one could tell who the culprit was.

Later, the State of Chu went to war with the State of Jin. During a particularly dangerous moment in battle, one soldier fought desperately across the battlefield to rescue King Zhuang.

After the victory, King Zhuang asked that soldier, “In the past, I never treated you with any special favor. Why did you risk your life to save me?”

The soldier replied: “I was the one whose hat tassel was torn off that night. Ever since then, I have always thought about how to repay Your Majesty’s kindness.”

Thus, King Zhuang's kindness saved his own life.

Some people might argue that it's wrong for the minister to pull on a consort's robe, and that he should be punished accordingly. While it is true that what the minister did is wrong, we can't look at a situation from just one perspective. We have to look at situations from multiple perspectives and weigh multiple factors to make a decision that creates the best likely outcome for as many people as possible.

If the king had lit the lamps to catch the culprit, what would've happened? That minister would have been caught, and his life would have been ruined. Everyone would have shamed him and his family, and his future prospects would have been bleak. He would also resent the king for ruining his life over a minor incident.

Moreover, other ministers and citizens might lose trust and respect towards the king for reacting so strongly towards a small incident. After all, the person merely pulled at a consort's robes. It might've been an accident since the lamps were extinguished. Everyone was drinking, so he might not have been clear on what was happening either.

When the king chose to save the minister from public disgrace, the minister would have later realized how dangerous his situation was, and that he could've had his life ruined if it were not for the king's kindness. That would arouse his sense of morality, and he became extremely motivated to serve the king. Moreover, the consort would probably spread the word about what happened that night, and others would also realize how considerate the king is, and people would gain more trust and respect towards him as a result.

Concluding Thoughts

People aren't self-motivated to change themselves for the better because someone angrily scolded them. They might reluctantly submit if you have more power, but they'll be looking for an opportunity to rebel in the future. If we truly want to awaken others' sense of morality and conscience, we need to cultivate sincere kindness and respect.

When we see other people's faults, do we feel upset at them? Or do we feel it's a pity that their conscience is muddled and that they are creating negative karma?

Do we label others as a hopeless cause? Or do we have faith that they can become good if we set a good role model for them?

We others make mistakes, do we scold them, especially in front of others, making them look bad? Or do we save them from disgrace and conceal their faults?

When others do good, do we take it for granted that they should do it, or even feel like it's not nearly enough to make up for their faults? Or do we affirm them and praise them broadly towards others?

Are we impatient for them to change? Or are we sincere and patient? After all, a sage like Shun had to spend a year to change those fishermen. We're probably not as sagacious as Shun…How long would we need to influence others?

When we change the way we treat others, it will naturally change the way others treat us.

Weekly Wisdom #397