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Principles for Effective Advising, Criticism, and Recommendations
- Alex Chen
- 8 hours ago
- 16 min read
Do you ever feel like it’s so difficult to advise others to change? That we give such heartfelt suggestions, but they seem to be deaf, or they always have a counter-argument to everything we say?
If this situation continues, eventually we just want to save our breath and give up on giving suggestions. But the problem is, these people are our family, friends, colleagues, or leaders. We still have to interact with them frequently, so if we don’t urge them to change, we’ll continue to have conflict and troubles with them.
From another perspective, what is one of the best gifts that we can give others? What is one of the best ways to help others? Wouldn’t that be telling them how to fix a problem that they have in a way that they would be persuaded, which then changes their life for the better? Thus, we see how valuable it is to be able to advise others effectively. But the big question is: How?
In this article, I will share some communication principles that I’ve learned over the years:
I believe that everyone has good intentions and is trying to do what they think is right. No one tries to create conflict or misery on purpose, and conflict arises because people have not learned communication principles. Or even if they have learned, they haven’t really practiced these principles and become proficient at practicing them…yet.
Personally, I still have conflicts with people in daily life, and I’m still working on practicing these principles, but I have found that when I can follow these principles, communication becomes a lot smoother, and the feeling of understanding and warmth we get from good communication is so rewarding. I hope that sharing these principles will be helpful to others.
1: Correct our own thoughts.
There’s a Chinese proverb that goes,
“When you don’t get what you want, reflect on yourself.”
If we advise others, and they don’t respond in the way we hope, we shouldn’t think, “They’re just stubborn. They’re just arrogant. They’ll never understand. It’s no use trying to advise them.” That’s putting the blame on others, which is not only ineffective, it’s wrong.
Nothing is ever 100% one person’s fault. Sure, their attitude might be a part of the problem, but focusing on their problem isn’t helpful because we cannot control others. Moreover, if someone else advised them, it’s totally possible that they would listen to that other person. In other words, we definitely have a part in the problem, and if we correct our part of the problem, it would naturally change how the other person responds to us. Therefore, when others don’t respond in the way we want, we need to reflect on how we should change, which would naturally change how they respond to us.
In terms of how to correct ourselves, the book Liao Fan’s Four Lessons goes into great detail. The book teaches that we can correct ourselves from three levels: action, speech, and thoughts. The root (or the deepest level) is the level of thoughts. Our speech and actions arise from our thoughts, so the key is to correct our thoughts, which would then influence our feelings and the energy we give off, which then determines other people’s response towards us.
We want to avoid thoughts of
Opposition: “You are wrong and I am right; I need to win this argument.”
Blame: “It’s your fault. Not mine.”
Demands: “You have to listen to me. You have to change. You should apologize.”
Stubbornness: “I’m not letting up no matter what.”
Complaining: “I don’t like it when you do that. Why did you do that again? How many times do I have to tell you?”
The energy we give is the energy we attract back. When we have the energy of opposition, we attract opposition back. When we have the energy of blame, we attract defensiveness in return. When we demand others to do something, we attract resistance. When we are stubborn, we bring out their stubbornness. When we complain about things, others naturally feel annoyed towards us. The list can go on and on.
Instead, we need to cultivate good, proper, and effective thoughts:
Responsibility: “I am responsible for my own feelings and results. If the other person doesn’t respond in the way I want, or if I get upset, I need to change myself, not them. When I change myself, I naturally change the way others respond to me.”
Faith in human goodness: “Everyone is trying to do what they think is good, right, or acceptable. If they know something isn’t good but still do it, then they can’t control their bad habits, which was probably developed without their own conscious decision. Since it’s not a result of their conscious decision, they are a victim of misfortune. If I overly criticize them, they might lose faith in themselves and stoop even lower. If I encourage and affirm them, they will try to rise to meet those affirmations.”
Understanding: “When I understand others, I wouldn’t be upset at them anymore. When others feel understood by me, then they’ll have the mental capacity to try to understand me.”
Humility: “I can’t be 100% confident in any of my ideas. Every situation is infinitely complex with so many factors and perspectives, so I should be humble and conservative when communicating my suggestions.”
Kindness: “My goal is to help them, not to vent emotions.”
The greater good: “I will speak up because I am thinking for the long-term wellness of the bigger group, not just for any one person.”
If we can take the time to organize and clean up our own thoughts and feelings first, then when we communicate, our speech and actions will naturally be good and proper.
(On a related note, these thoughts and attitudes are very important as the receiver of criticism as well. Even if the criticizer is emotional and negative, if we can maintain our calm, humble, and kind energy, the conversation will still go in a good direction.)
2: Be aware of and maintain our state of mind.
The first principle requires us to organize and correct our thoughts and intentions before communicating. Once it’s time to communicate, we have to maintain awareness of our state of mind and thoughts throughout the conversation. It’s important to maintain a calm, peaceful, rational, and kind state of mind.
Thoughts are habitual, so if we often have negative thoughts of opposition, blame, complaining, defensiveness, etc., then chances are, these thoughts and feelings might pop up during the conversation in response to things the other person said. We don’t have to fear it. We just have to use it as a trigger for us to bring up proper thoughts, like those of responsibility, kindness, and humility. As Liao Fan’s Four Lessons states:
“When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts naturally lose their power.”
If we happen to get into a heated argument, then it’s helpful to take a break. We can say to the other person, "Can we talk about this later when we are both calmer?" or "I need to go to the bathroom" and then do some deep breathing. Most things are not so urgent that we have to talk about them right away, so it’s better to reconvene at a later time when everyone is in a better mood.
3: Build trust
Whether or not the other person takes our advice is largely dependent on their level of trust towards us. Two people can give the same suggestion in the same way to the same person, but the result will differ depending on the level of trust between them.
If we advise others and they don’t listen, we should first reflect on whether we’ve done our best to communicate in the best way possible and follow all the other communication principles. If the answer is no, then we can try to improve ourselves. If the answer is yes, then perhaps they just don’t trust us enough yet, in which case we need to spend some time and effort into building trust.
How can we build trust? There are many ways, but here are some major ones:
Let them feel understood.
Let them feel that you have their best intentions at heart.
Walk your talk and set a good example.
Get the support of other people whom they trust or care about.
First, we have to make them feel that we truly understand them, their situation, and their feelings. That requires us to listen attentively and patiently, ask questions to check our understanding, and then report our understanding and ask them if our understanding is accurate and complete. If we don’t do this, then we don’t have the credentials to advise them, and they wouldn’t trust our advice.
Second, we need to let them feel that we truly have their best intentions at heart. This goes back to principles one and two. If they think we are just complaining or venting, then they would naturally defend themselves and criticize back, so we need to maintain a calm and kind state of mind. We need to check that we understand them and what they want, affirm their good intentions, and then tell them we are on the same team.
Moreover, we should be building the relationship and helping them in regular daily life without any ulterior motives. Every act of kindness and service we do for others is like accumulating trust dollars in that relationship account. In other words, whether or not they listen to us in that conversation depends largely on all the past effort we’ve put into the relationship.
Third, if we are advising others to do something, it’s important that we walk our talk. For example, if we tell others to be more considerate, then we should reflect on ourselves: are we considerate towards others? If yes, then they’ll be more likely to take our advice. If not, then they might respond, “You’re not any better than me, what right do you have to criticize me?”
This doesn’t mean we don’t advise them. It just means we shouldn’t be demanding. We could say, “I have this problem too, but I’m working on it, and I think you would benefit a lot too if you also worked on it. We could support each other.”
Fourth, we can get the support of other people whom they trust or care about, especially if their trust level towards us is not very high (yet). For example, we might tell a family member to eat healthier, but they don’t listen. If we enlist the help of their doctor, they might be more receptive. Or let’s say we want to propose a new idea at the workplace. If it’s just our idea, the leader might not act immediately. But if we get the support of many people and then propose it to the leader, the leader would take it more seriously.
4: Don’t make people look bad in front of others.
A rule of etiquette is that we should praise people publicly and criticize privately (with kindness, of course).
Everyone has an ego, and the ego hates looking bad, especially in front of others. If we speak of someone’s faults in front of others, then that person’s ego might get very upset and resent us. When this happens, reason is thrown out the door, and they will become defensive and argue back.
Some people have extra sensitive egos. We might think we’re just giving a suggestion, but the listener might interpret it as an attack, so we have to have awareness about the situation and other people’s egos.
For example, let’s say I want to give a suggestion in a work meeting. I need to think about how I phrase the problem. If I say the problem is because of X, then I need to think about who is responsible for X, and whether if that person might feel like I’m indirectly criticizing him for not doing a good enough job at X. If I’m worried about it, I could talk to him privately beforehand and let him know that I have this idea and ask him for their thoughts on it. This is especially important if that person is our leader. We don’t want to accidently create conflict with our leader.
Another tactic is to say, “We are currently doing X well, but I had an idea that could make X even better.” Or if I’m advising a person in private, and I think that person has a sensitive ego, I could say, “I think you’re doing great at X, and I just had an idea that if you also did Y, it would be even better!”
5: Set the stage
Aside from not making others look bad, we should set the stage by making others look good and feel good first. We shouldn’t just jump straight into the problem. To set the stage, we can affirm their contributions, efforts, and good intentions. We should also explain the context and relevant details so that everyone is on the same page about the issue. Then we can start talking about the problem and our recommendation.
Setting the stage is so very important. To give an analogy, imagine a top chef cooked a spectacular meal. However, the meal is served in a cheap take-out container at a run-down restaurant. When the customer sees the meal, would she appreciate it the same as if it were served on an elegant plate at a fancy restaurant? Similarly, we might have really good advice that would really benefit the other person or the group, but if we don’t set the stage effectively, it won’t leave a good impression on others.
For example, I recently started doing counseling with a student at school. Before the first counseling session, I imagined that he would be nervous about why he has to do counseling with me. He might resist the idea that he has problems and not want to do counseling. Therefore, I can’t start the counseling session by saying, “The school wants me to do counseling with you because you have some problems, and I’m here to help.”
Instead, what I did was first praise him on a lot of good things that he improved on recently. For example, he had a tantrum, but he was able to calm down after his homeroom teacher talked to him. I praised him on four things and gave him four pieces of candy. Then he felt a lot happier.
I then said, “You are doing great, and the school asked me to be your support in addition to your homeroom teacher. That’s why we are doing counseling. We’ll chat once a week, but we can chat more if you want, and if that week there’s not much to chat about, that’s totally fine too.” He's been happy to attend counseling sessions and even looks forward to them.
6: Pick a good setting and time.
This one is similar to setting the stage. To continue the analogy from before, if a world-class chef cooked a spectacular meal and served it to you, but you’re already stuffed, or you’re in the bathroom, would you want to eat it? Similarly, we could have very useful advice, but if the timing or setting is not suitable, we should wait.
The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others:
Don't criticize them in public
Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse
Don't criticize before sleep time
Don’t criticize before or during meals
Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous
Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed
Don't criticize when they are ill
I would add one more: Don't criticize or advise when they are clearly busy or rushed for time. We should wait for a time or schedule a time when they are calm, in a good mood, and have the time to listen and discuss.
For example, one staff meeting, I had many suggestions to talk about, and that requires a lot of time for discussion. The meeting happened near the end of the day, when everyone was tired and wanted to go home. Rather than insist on going through all of them, I asked everyone which issues they think need to be discussed today, and which ones could wait until next week.
To give another example, I once wanted to advise a classmate on a not-very-elegant habit she had. It was quite an awkward thing to mention, but I saw her do it many times, and if no one tells her, she would be leaving a bad impression on others, so I felt a moral obligation to tell her if a suitable situation arises.
I didn’t keep thinking about it, but after many weeks, I saw her alone in the library, so I went in and asked her if I could tell her something. She said OK. I very politely said, “I think you dress really well, and you’re quite an elegant person. But I noticed you sometimes like to slowly scratch your nose, and it’s kind of surprising to see that from such an elegant person, you know? I just don’t want others to get a negative impression of you because of it. That’s all.” She replied that she indeed has this habit, and that she appreciated my good intentions, and she’ll work on it.
7: Be conservative.
This is related to having an attitude of humility and carefulness. We should never think that we are absolutely right. We should always leave some room for the possibility that we are wrong.
No one likes an arrogant person. When we seem arrogant, then even if our advice is good, the other person will resist or argue simply because they don't like us. Many arguments are just people trying to defeat the other person because they don't like the other person's arrogant demeanor.
Logically speaking, how can we ever have 100% complete information on a situation? And how can we possibly see every single perspective that there is to a situation? That’s why we cannot be so definitive about our perspective and suggestions.
If we say things like, “You definitely need to do X,” or even “You should do X,” others might think, “Aren’t you a bit overly confident? How can you be so sure?”
For example, one time a teacher colleague invited me to observe his English class. I knew that he didn’t have formal training in teaching English to Chinese students like I did, and I gave a lot of advice and industry best practices that I received and learned in my experience. Later, another colleague told me that this teacher felt I was quite arrogant, as if what I said is definitely right, but he felt that not all of the advice was applicable to his situation. This is an example of how overconfidence in attitude makes the other person lose trust in us.
I’ve learned from that incident, and now when I give suggestions to others, especially if I’m not that close with them, I try to use conservative wording. I might say, “I noticed this situation, and I just had an idea for your consideration. Maybe it would be helpful if you did X. But my perspective is limited, and I don’t understand the full situation, so it’s just an idea for your consideration.”
8: Be a problem-solver, not a problem-talker.
When we bring up a problem or complaint, ideally, we shouldn’t just stop there. We should propose a solution(s) or make a request. If we only bring up problems and complaints, we’ll be a burden to others, and they will want to avoid us. But if we raise a problem and also propose potential solutions, as well as our analysis of which solution is the best, then it’s like we just delivered a gift to them.
For example, when my mother complained in the past that I was too busy, I was quite annoyed because I didn’t like being so busy either, I and I felt like I was already trying my best to manage my time effectively and say no to many things. One time, I decided to take my own advice: instead of being annoyed and complaining about her complaining, I made a request.
I said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me so busy. But when you complain about it, it’s not helpful for me. It only makes me feel even more burdened. Instead of telling me to be less busy, could you instead ask me to schedule time for whatever it is that you want me to do? For example, if you want me to clean the basement, you could ask me to spend a day doing that this weekend. Or if you want me to sleep earlier, you could ask me to sleep by a certain time. That would be much more helpful than just telling me to stop being so busy.” She happily accepted my request.
To give another example, when I noticed some problems at school, I first thought about potential solutions. I also discussed in private with other teachers and even the principal about my ideas, and then I proposed them in a meeting. In this way, people were more receptive to my suggestions.
9: Observe and adjust.
When we are giving our recommendation or having that tough conversation, it’s important to observe other people’s reactions and adjust ourselves accordingly. This requires us to be fully present and to observe the other person’s facial expressions, movements, and body language, all of which give clues to what they’re thinking and feeling.
We shouldn’t be focused on how we will respond later when they stop talking (and we certainly should not interrupt them), because if we do that, we won’t be giving them our full attention, and they’ll be able to feel that. We also shouldn’t get lost in our own talking such that we forget to observe the listener.
For example, I remember one time I proposed an idea at a meeting, and afterwards, there was barely a reaction from anyone. I was quite surprised because I was expecting people to agree with me. I also realized that when I was speaking, I was looking at my PowerPoint slides instead of at the listeners, so I didn’t know what their facial expressions and body language were while I was speaking. That was an awkward situation.
There have also been times when I started giving a suggestion, but then the other person would interrupt and start explaining themselves. When that happens, I already know that they are convinced they are right, or they started to become defensive, in which case it’s probably not worth trying to convince them. If they are not in the mood to hear advice right now, then it’s better to keep silent and change the topic.
10: Be patient.
There’s a Chinese proverb that goes,
“Three inches of ice doesn’t happen overnight.”
In other words, for a situation to become this serious, it took a long time. People have deeply ingrained habits, and these habits are like huge blocks of ice. Melting them away takes time.
If we want people to learn new habits and new ways of thinking, it’s like planting a tree. After we plant the seed, we have to continuously water the seed and patiently wait for the seed to grow into a tree. It doesn’t happen in one conversation.
We shouldn’t think, “I already advised them before, and they didn’t listen, so I’m not going to bother anymore.” We have to be patient and continue to advise them with tact whenever a suitable opportunity arises.
For example, I’ve been counseling a student on emotional regulation for a couple months now, and I’ve given countless reminders in daily school life, and each weekly counseling session is basically giving the same message packaged differently. However, I am not impatient because I know that change takes time, and it’s precisely my job to provide that needed reminder whenever an incident happens. Slowly, the ice of the old habit will melt away, and the new habit will grow. He’s already noticeably better than a couple months ago, and I’m sure that as long as we continue what we’re doing, he will continue to improve.
Conclusion
Giving advice and suggestions is extremely important to maintaining relationships, and it’s one of the best gifts we can give if done well. It is also a big source of conflict if done ineffectively, hence the importance of learning and practicing communication principles. In this article, I’ve shared some principles I’ve learned over the years, but it’s by no means an exhaustive list, so it’s just some ideas for your consideration. Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result!
Weekly Wisdom #368
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