Being Right Isn't Always Helpful

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.

This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.

Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"

Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta, and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.

I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."

He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"

His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."

He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"

I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.

After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."

He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"

I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems? Who would she do?"

He said, "I don't know."

I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."

He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."

I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."

He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.

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Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.

Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"

I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."

He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"

I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."

He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"

I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."

He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."

Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"

I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."

One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"

I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."

Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."

I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"

He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.

I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"

He said, "I don't think I can get up."

I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."

I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.

After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.

I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"

He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."

I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"

He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."

I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.

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Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.

She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"

Joe said, "Maybe?"

She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"

He nodded.

She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.

After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.

The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."

Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."

She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"

Joe nodded.

She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"

Joe tried it and was really happy.

She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"

He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."

She said, "Wow! OK, great!"

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After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.

If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this:

"Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should be, focus on what's helpful."

Image Source: ChatGPT

So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?

The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.

On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"

If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"

To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.

This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.

Conclusion

Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.

Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said,

"When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind."

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Weekly Wisdom #365