Conceal Others' Faults and Downplay Our Strengths

Have you ever encountered a situation where someone was talking about something, and they mentioned something that you didn't do well, but they weren't intentionally trying to make you look bad. In fact, their main point was something else. However, you still felt a bit upset.

Or perhaps they were talking about one of their successes or strengths, and it made you think about your failures. They weren't trying to make you think about your deficiencies, but that's how you felt. Recently, I made this mistake many times, and a colleague graciously advised me on this. I then realized these types of situations are actually quite common in daily life.

In the Treatise on Cause and Effect, Laozi said,

"Do not expose others' shortcomings or highlight our strengths."

The Guidelines for Learners explains in further detail:

"Towards others’ flaws, help to conceal.

Towards others’ secrets, never reveal.

Praising others’ goodness is a goodness itself.

When people hear praise, they’ll encourage themselves.

Spreading others’ wrongs is a wrong itself.

Excessive hate and slander will lead to disaster."

If we criticize and broadcast other people's faults in public, it will make them look bad. That is very unkind on our part. Even if the content of our criticism is true, their ego will be hurt, and they will get angry at us. Thus, when excessive slander creates a lot of hatred, disaster will follow. They might retaliate against us or intentionally be even worse just to show their opposition against us. Thus, if we are going to criticize, we need to make sure to do it privately with a kind and respectful manner.

On the other hand, when people receive praise, they naturally feel encouraged and want to live up to our praise. I remember one of my teachers saying,

"I've never heard a person say, 'I can't take it anymore. All I hear are encouragements, encouragements, encouragements.' On the flip side, the most common complaint is, 'You can do a hundred things right and not hear a thing about it. Do one thing wrong, and blame comes right away.'

Image Source: GPT

The concept of "concealing others faults and our strengths" sounds simple, but if we're not sensitive, we might unintentionally draw attention to others' faults or seem to be gloating about ourselves in other people's eyes even though that's not our intention. Thus, we have to increase our level of sensitivity and social acuity. Below are some examples I encountered recently.

Example 1: Praise from a parent

At my school, every morning, teachers share good deeds that students did the day before. Students and parents can also share what they observed.

One mother told me, "My husband said that in the past, our daughter would have a bad attitude towards him and get angry at him, but after learning the Guidelines for Learners, she has improved a lot and usually does what we ask her to do without giving us attitude."

I then shared this with the principal to be read in front of all the students. Later, a colleague told me, "We shouldn't expose others' faults. People might gain a bad impression of that student, as if she were a very rebellious kid who used to disobey and get angry at her dad easily."

I said, "Really? But this is a praise. It's saying that in the past, she used to be somewhat disrespectful, but now she's not. It shows that no one is perfect, and improvement is what matters most. Besides, getting upset and impatient at parents is really common nowadays, so we want to show that she is relatable, and that if she can change, we can all change. I don't see why it's inappropriate."

He said, "It would be fine if she was the one who said, 'In the past, I used to be rude and get angry with my dad. But now, after learning, I became much better.' She can talk about her own past faults. But we shouldn't be drawing attention to her past faults. Other people will still get a bad impression of her, and she might feel upset."

Later, I reflected on his words more. Laozi said to not expose others' shortcomings. Why? To not upset other people's ego or hurt their reputation. If I were the girl in that situation, and I heard a teacher reading what my parent wrote about me, would I feel upset? Well, I think everyone gets upset at their parents, so it's not like it's saying I'm a terrible person, and it's actually emphasizing that I can change.

However, when it comes to etiquette, we need to consider people who have extremely sensitive egos. If I were very sensitive, I might get upset and think, "Why do you need to draw attention to my past faults? That's in the past already!" Or "When I got upset at my parents, it's because they truly wronged me! Stop making it seem like I'm the bad one!"

Moreover, when other people hear us talking about someone's past faults as if it were a normal thing to do, they might do that too, and they might start sharing even bigger faults of other people, leading to conflict and resentment. Thus, I could see my colleague's point.

If I could go back in time and re-do it, what would I do? I would let the principal say,

"This student's parents said that after learning the Guidelines for Learners, she has improved a lot in her attitude, such as being respectful when communicating with parents and accepting criticism humbly."

Another important point to note is that if I were talking to a group of people who did not know the person in question, I could just anonymize the name, then I could directly state what happened. This is precisely what I'm doing in this article. Everyone would understand that we're just discussing this matter for learning purposes. No one would have a bad impression of this person because they don't even know who this person is.

Example 2: Self-praise from a student

One student wrote, "When my mom told me to do something, I didn't do it right away. Then she shouted at me to go do it. I wanted to shout back, but I didn't. I went and did it right away."

If you had to share this with others, how would you word it?

We certainly want to affirm this student's self-control, but at the same time, we don't want to draw attention to the mother's lack of emotional control. I might say, "One student said that when her mother told her to do something, she didn't do it right away, and her mom got impatient with her. In the past, she might talk back to her mom impolitely, but this time, she didn't. She went and did it for her mom right away."

Example 3: Unintentionally showing off

During a staff meeting, I was reporting on my class. My class has quite a few troublemakers, and I said that they've improved a lot compared to the past year. For context, I was not their homeroom teacher last year, but this year I am.

Later, one of their past teachers started arguing with me, saying that their improvement is nowhere near enough, and that we need to be more strict with them. I then argued that last year, the strictness wasn't effective, that it wasn't truly solving their problems. We need a right degree of strictness and patience for them to change.

Later, a colleague (the same colleague from before) advised me again (thank you!). He said, "We shouldn't boast about our strengths or success. When you said that the class has improved a lot compared to last year, you indirectly implied that the teachers last year didn't do a good job, and that you're much better. That's also why they started opposing you."

I was again reminded of the fact that I need to improve my social sensitivity and acuity. We can't only think from our own perspective, "I was just saying my observation." We need to think about how others, especially those with a sensitive ego, might interpret and MISinterpret our words.

So if you were in my situation back then at the staff meeting, what would you do?

If I could go back in time to that staff meeting, I would say,

"The students have improved in the past month on ABC matters. I think the teachers last year also set a great foundation. In the next month, we will focus on XZY matters."

Very factual. No risk of being misunderstood as gloating. No risk of upsetting others. In fact, it gives credit to others.

Example 4: Unintentionally highlighting faults

During a meeting with parents of students from my class, I reported on each student's progress. I said, "It's been one month into the semester, and one thing we've emphasized in class is time management. I require all the students to write down a daily time log of what they did and when they did it. Bob keeps saying he forgets to write it. I told him it's fine, nurturing a habit takes time. Maybe Bob's parents can help encourage him and share your thoughts on keeping a time log with him."

Later, I reflected that what I said made Bob look bad, which might make his parents feel embarrassed in front of all the other parents. My intention was to get the parents to help me motivate Bob to keep a time log, but I wasn't socially acute enough to sense how my words would get interpreted.

If I could go back in time, I would say, "Recently we've been emphasizing time management, and each student has been tasked with keeping a daily time log. Parents, please check with your child on how they are doing with the time log. You can ask them to send pictures to you. Some students aren't used to doing it yet, so your support in helping them nurture this habit would be very helpful."

If necessary, I could message Bob's parents privately. But even that requires necessity, because I don't want the parents to think I have prejudice against their child.

Example 5: Unintentionally making others look bad

Some teachers and students were having a meal around the dinner table. There were 10 of us, but only 9 chairs. There were some tall chairs for the island counter remaining, so one student took one over. She said to another student, "You're the shortest, so you can sit on it."

I'm sure she didn't have the intention to make that classmate look bad, but when I heard it, I thought, "If that classmate has a sensitive ego, she would probably be upset."

Thus, I quietly said to her, "Next time, you can just say, 'Are you OK to sit on this chair'? No need to draw attention to the fact that she is the shortest." The reason I quietly said this to her is also because I don't want to draw attention to her mistake. It would be quite hypocritical if I criticized her for drawing attention to someone's shortcoming when I'm doing the exact same thing in the process of criticizing her.

Example 6: Complaining about the past

During dinner, someone asked me, "What three words come to your mind when you think of your mom?"

I said, "One is Buddhism. She is a really devout Buddhist. She always complains that I don't spend enough time learning Buddhism, that I'm a work-a-holic who doesn’t get my priorities straight. I told her I'm not retired like her. I have a full-time job and lots of extra work to do."

Again, I really need to improve on filtering my thoughts before they come out of my mouth. To get at the root of the problem, I need to be aware of any thoughts of complaining, and then correct those thoughts promptly. That way, whenever I subconsciously say whatever I think, it wouldn't be inappropriate.

In this case, I remember in the past my mom would criticize me for working so much in the evenings instead of learning Buddhism. I should then correct my thoughts to be, "Mom is just showing her concern for me. She wants me to spend more time learning Buddhism because she thinks it's very good for me. It's OK if she doesn't understand that I have a lot of work to do. As long as I have a clear conscience, that's the most important thing. I can be thankful for her concern instead of getting annoyed. And if I manage my time better, she wouldn't worry about me, so she wouldn't criticize."

If I did that mental work beforehand, I would've said, "The first word is Buddhism. She is a really devout Buddhist. She often reminds me to spend more time learning Buddhism." Done. No negative emotions. No complaining.

I also said, "Second is simple. She lives very frugally and simply. For example, for food, she cooks very simple. I remember when I was learning cooking, she would complain about why I needed to use so many ingredients, so many bowls, so many stove burners, so much counter space, and so much time. I told her this is what the people in the cooking videos do. Later, I decided I just won't seek her understanding."

Again, that was my unfiltered thoughts, which meant I didn't resolve this complaint from before. I should've given myself a pep talk earlier: "Your mom isn't perfect. Of course she will misunderstand you and have different values from you. She values simplicity. You wanted to learn how to cook like a professional. It's normal for her to not understand. There's no need to make a big deal about it."

If I had worked through that negative impression earlier, I would've said, "She lives very frugally and simply. Her food, clothing, and life are all very simple." That's it.

Example 7: Unintentionally making myself seem noble

After dinner, other teachers and elders were chatting at the table. I got up to go supervise and help the students clean up. After we finished cleaning up, it was already 8:00PM. I always tell my students to sleep early, ideally by 10:00PM, and I needed to drive them home. Thus, I told the students to get ready, and then I interrupted the other talking elders and told them, "I'm going to head out first because I need to drive some students home. I always tell them to sleep early, so we really need to get going."

They replied, "Oh OK. Then we'll get going too."

I said, "No no it's fine, you guys can chat longer. I just have to go early because I have to drive them home."

They replied, "No no, you're right. It's getting late. You're the most principled one out of all of us."

Later, I thought about how I could've handled that situation better. I wasn't trying to make it seem like they have a bad sense of time or that they neglected the fact that the kids should go home earlier. But it ended up that way. Social acuity is not easy!

If I had to re-do that situation, I might say,

"Thank you guys for a great dinner! We just finished cleaning up, and I have to get going soon. Sorry I can't stay longer." That's it. No need to explain, because explaining will make them think, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that," which then makes it seem like I'm the thoughtful one and they're not as thoughtful.

Conclusion

It's easy to understand why we should avoid drawing attention to other people's faults or highlighting our strengths. No one likes an arrogant person, and people will resent others who make them look bad. Although we know this in theory, actually practicing it is another matter.

If we're not consciously working on it, we might unintentionally commit these mistakes. Moreover, such situations are quite common in daily life. All of the examples in this article were from the span of a few days! If we aren't working on our social acuity, we risk creating conflict, awkwardness, or resentment in others. If we hone our social acuity, we'll be able to navigate relationships tactfully and maintain harmony in relationships.

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Weekly Wisdom #413