Interrupting Others: Is It Truly A Big Deal?

I'm teaching etiquette to middle school children this year, and in class, I reminded students that it's rude to interrupt others when they are talking, and that they should instead raise their hand and wait until the speaker is done talking and invites them to speak. I also told them that etiquette is very reasonable, and that if they ever feel like any rule of etiquette is unreasonable, we can discuss it.

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 One student asked, "You said it's impolite to interrupt others, but pretty much everyone does it, so is it really that impolite?"

Another student said, "Also, sometimes I have something important to say on the topic that just came up, and if I wait until later, I'm afraid I'll forget. Even if I don't forget, if I say it later, the feeling and impact won't be the same."

I first said, "I really like how you guys are thinking critically about etiquette and asking these questions. It will help us gain a deeper understanding of etiquette, which will then help us absorb its spirit and practice it better."

To the first student, I said,

"Nowadays, people don't really learn etiquette growing up. We learn the basics like saying please and thank you, but it's really quite limited and shallow. Etiquette is a deep and broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite. If we want the world to become more polite, we have to start with ourselves.

Perhaps some people might think being interrupted is not that big of a deal, but what about most people? What about the typical person? If you pulled some random people off the street and asked them, 'Do you like being interrupted?', most people would probably say no. Even for yourself, perhaps you understand why others might interrupt you so you don't get upset at them, but wouldn't you still prefer it if others didn't interrupt you?"

That student nodded in agreement.

To the second student, I said, "I totally understand that feeling of wanting to say something now because we're afraid we'll forget later, and that the feeling would be different if we don't say it now. But that's just one side of the situation. Every situation has many perspectives and factors to consider. What other factors can you guys think of?"

We then discussed it as a class, and we thought of six more factors aside from our own perspectives.

1: The Other Person's Perspective

Aside from our own perspective, the other most obvious factor is the other person's perspective. If they get interrupted, would they be happy towards us? If we interrupt them and it's truly beneficial to them, and they would agree that it's best that we interrupted them sooner rather than wait, then maybe it's a good idea to interrupt them. Otherwise, it's probably better if we wait for them to finish speaking first.

2: Our Goal

We should always consider what our goal is when doing anything. If we have something important to say, our goal is for them to truly listen to us, right? The thing is, if they are in the middle of talking, and then we interrupt them, would they be able to suddenly shift their full attention to listen to us? Or would they be thinking, "I want to finish what I was saying!"

If we say our idea, but they're not ready to listen, then they might resist the idea simply because they feel annoyed at being interrupted. Wouldn't that be such a waste of a good idea? There's a reason why restaurants present their food so nicely. If they made a really nice meal with fine ingredients, but the presentation looks bad, people will think it's a cheap meal. Similarly, if our idea is really important, we should set up the perfect moment to present the idea to maximize its chances of being accepted.

3: Karma

Karma is in everything. What goes around comes around. If we interrupt others, then others will interrupt us back. They'll think, "You interrupted me before, so it's only fair that I can also interrupt you back." If we interrupt them to tell them something that we think is important, then they might also interrupt us back because they think they have something important to say. Wouldn't that be frustrating to everyone?

4: Self-Cultivation

From the perspective of self-cultivation, one of the first and foundational virtues to cultivate is patience. This is especially true in modern urban life, where everything is about speed and getting what we want right now. As a result, impatience is becoming ever more widespread. If we feel like our chest is tightening because we want to say something now, then this is precisely a moment for us to cultivate patience. Chances are, nothing tragic is going to happen if we don't interrupt, so we can wait.

5: Information Completeness

Sometimes, we are listening to others, and we suddenly have an idea that we want to share. But perhaps the other person isn't finished explaining the situation yet. Our idea is based on the information they've shared thus far, but there's still more to come. If we wait for them to finish talking first, our idea might change.

If we want to give a good suggestion, then we should first make sure we have all the necessary information, and also make them feel fully understood. In that case, we would patiently listen to them speak everything on their mind, summarize their main points to check our understanding, and then ask if we can give our thoughts for their consideration.

If we instead impulsively interrupt and share our suggestion based on an incomplete understanding of their situation, then they would not only be annoyed at us, but also lose trust in us.

6: Memory

From the perspective of memory, if it's truly important, would we really forget? If we forget, chances are, it doesn't have big, painful consequences. In other words, we shouldn't overestimate the importance of our ideas.

There have been times where someone said to me, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but every time I always forget." I don't remember any of these things being super critical. However, it's certainly preferable that we remember these things, so I'll share a method to help.

For example, let's say I'm listening to my principal talk about yesterday's assembly, and I suddenly had a thought, "I need to suggest to the principal that next time, the school shouldn't let Bob and Jack sit together because they talk too much and disturb others." I don't interrupt because I am polite, but I also don't want to forget this thought. What can I do?

One method is to make an exaggerated image in my head. I would imagine Bob and Jack with very big heads talking to each other, with spit coming out of their mouth. As soon as I have this image, I can be confident that I probably won't forget. Then I focus on listening to the principal and wait until he's finished to bring up my idea.

(On a related note, when giving suggestions, I shouldn't be too definite or certain that my suggestion is good. Every situation is infinitely complex and always changing, so we should use words like "maybe", "might", "perhaps", and "for your consideration".)

Conclusion

Interrupting others seems like a small and insignificant thing, but from our class discussion, I realized how deep and broad its implications can be. A big thanks to the students for the questions and discussion! If you have other perspectives that we missed, feel free to comment below.

Bad habits are hard to change, and I still interrupt people too, but when we understand the significance of our bad habit, we'll have more motivation to change. As long as we have motivation, we'll persist. As long as we persist, we'll definitely improve.

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Weekly Wisdom #361