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Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, a classmate shared a seemingly simple story, but the class had quite an insightful discussion afterwards. Basically, this classmate went to another country with his parents for travel. They arrived at the hotel in the evening, checked in, and were about to go for dinner. The classmate pre-booked a nice restaurant beforehand, and he ordered an Uber ride.
However, while the Uber was on the way, the weather suddenly changed, and it started raining quite heavily. His mother said, "I'm worried that if we go to that restaurant, we'll get caught in a big storm, and it'll be difficult for us to come back. How about we just order some food from the hotel restaurant instead?"
The classmate thought about it. At first, he didn't want to cancel on the driver and risk making the driver upset. Moreover, if he made the driver upset, the driver could give him a bad rating on Uber, which would influence his ability to call Uber rides in the future. But then he thought of Confucius's teaching from The Classic Of Filial Piety:
"To not love one's parents yet love others violates morality."
Moreover, his mother originally looked forward to that restaurant, so the fact that she changed her mind must mean she's really quite worried about weather safety. Thus, he concluded that the moral thing to do is to put his parents' feelings above the feelings of the Uber driver and himself.
By this time, the driver had already arrived at the hotel entrance. But he decided to call the driver and explain that due to the sudden weather change, he'd like to cancel the ride, and he apologized for the inconvenience.
After the story, our teacher asked the class, "Do you guys agree with this classmate's decision to listen to wrong the Uber driver instead of his parents?"
What do you think? If you were in this classmate's position, what would you have done?
One classmate said, "I don't really think we're 'wronging' the Uber driver by cancelling at the last minute. He's an Uber driver. Uber drivers encounter this kind of situation all the time. Plus, the bad weather is an understandable reason. He won't be that shocked."
Another classmate said, "It is a bit disappointing to the Uber driver that he came all the way here, and suddenly the ride got cancelled. But if we go, then we would be forcing our parents to do something they don't want to do. That's definitely worse. So I agree with choosing parents over the driver."
In my mind, I thought we could just give some money to the driver as a way to express our apology. Due to time restrictions, the teacher didn't ask any more students for their thoughts.
The teacher replied:
"If we're learning Confucianism, we need to learn to think and act like Confucius. What do you think Confucius would do? Do you really think he'd wrong the Uber driver? Confucius is described as considerate, good-natured, and respectful, so I think he'd try his utmost to not wrong his parents nor the Uber driver. The problem with all your answers and attitude is that you lack consideration for the Uber driver. You feel like because he's an Uber driver, he signed up for this risk, so if he encounters customers cancelling on him, that's his problem, not yours.
Confucius wouldn't be so inconsiderate. Of course, he'd prioritize not wronging his parents, but he'd feel really bad about wronging the Uber driver, much more than you guys, so he'd try much harder to think of a way to not wrong the Uber driver. For example, I can think of a way: just give the Uber driver the money for the ride as a way to apologize for the last minute cancellation. After all, he's already at the door! It's very very impolite to cancel so late. Besides, it's just a bit of money, it's not a big deal. But your kindness and respect is a very very big deal. It will have a huge impact on your life."
Afterwards, another student asked, "But if we give the Uber driver money when he didn't even provide the service, would there be a risk of him thinking that everyone who cancels should treat him that way? Then we'd be unintentionally growing his greed? I'm thinking it's best to first discuss with him and explain our situation clearly, then see how he reacts. If he seems to have a bad temper and demands compensation, I would just give what he demands. But if he has a good attitude and is understanding, I would volunteer to give more."
The teacher replied:
"Firstly, we need to stop thinking we are above others, as if we are the morally righteous people in the world, and the common folk need our teachings. The point of learning philosophy, no matter if it's Confucianism or Buddhism, is to correct ourselves, not to correct other people! If you grow arrogant from learning philosophy, then you will ruin yourself and ruin the image of Confucianism and Buddhism. We should be letting others feel comfortable and happy around us, not strangled by chains of morality.
Secondly, we need to let go of the desire to always explain ourselves, to always want to prove our innocence in other people's eyes. I would just say to the driver, 'Sorry, something came up at the last minute. Here is the trip fare to express my apologies.' That's it. No need to waste his time and explain my whole story.
If you feel such a strong desire to explain why you are not at fault to this Uber driver, you will have the same desire towards all other people when they criticize you. If you always explain why you're not mistaken, why you are right in your own way, then people won't bother pointing out your problems anymore. That's very dangerous. So what if they misunderstood your situation and criticized you wrongly? It's not a big deal.
If they criticized us, and we have that problem, then we humbly accept it and try to correct our problem. If they criticized us and we don't actually have that problem, then we still humbly accept it and guard against it in the future. Don't try to explain yourself right after being criticized. If it's not a big deal, just let it go. If it is a big deal, then wait for a later time to calmly communicate. This shows that you actually thought about their feedback for a while as opposed to reacting in the heat of the moment, and they would be more willing to listen to you this way."
My Reflection
After that class, I thought about my teacher's words. If he didn't ask us, "Do you think that classmate is right for wronging the Uber driver over his parents?", I might not have sensed anything wrong with his behavior. But after my teacher raised this question, I immediately realized, "Ah! Of course! We shouldn't try to wrong anybody, not just our parents!"
Secondly, my teacher often reminds us to not be arrogant and think we should "teach" others how to be moral. Indeed, I've noticed that after learning these moral standards, it's easy to see other people's faults. If we fall into the trap of focusing on other people's faults, we'll grow arrogant and annoyed, and we'll criticize and demand others, creating lots of conflict. Thus, when we see other people's faults, we need to remember to be strict with ourselves and understanding towards others. Furthermore, we should set a good role model for them. The only time to use words to advise them is if they really trust and admire us, and our intention is compassionate, not demanding.
Third, disliking being wrongfully criticized has been a long-standing problem for me. I even wrote an article titled "How To Not Get Upset At Misunderstandings and Criticisms" roughly a year ago. Looking back, I've made some progress. Something I didn't internalize back then is the fact that if others misunderstood us, we must have behaved in a way that would make them think that way; Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to think that way, so the root of the problem is still ourselves, not them. Given that we are indeed responsible for their misunderstanding, what right do we have for getting angry and blaming them?
Of course, it's easy to discuss theory when everything is blue skies and sunshine; it's much harder to walk the talk in the heat of the moment, and that's why moral cultivation requires consistent practice and accumulation.
Concluding Thoughts
Have you ever wronged somebody? If you could, how would you change your behavior in that situation?
Do you demand yourself more or others more?
Do you feel a strong desire to explain yourself when criticized?
Weekly Wisdom #313
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