When A Thank-You Is Not Enough

Alex Chen
15 hours ago
4 min read

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow in Canada, so this article will be about the topic of giving thanks.

During the summer at my school, we had a two week summer camp. One of my camp students made cookies for all the teachers. Or to be more accurate, he made cookies at home, and then his mom suggested that he give some cookies to the teachers. He was a bit reluctant at first because he felt like the cookies would become cold and hard by the time the teachers ate them the next day, but his mom assured him that it's fine, that it's the thought that matters most, and that the cookies will still be delicious.

The next day, this student gave some of the cookies to some teachers that he saw. His mother is also a volunteer helper at our summer camp, so during break, she shared the cookies with other teachers in the staff room.

When I ate one, I told her, "Oh these cookies are really good!" She then explained to me how her son was worried that it would become cold and hard and wouldn't taste as good. I said, "Oh he is so thoughtful! But the cookies are indeed still delicious."

A few days later, I heard the mother say to her son, "Why don't you bake some more cookies for the teachers?" He said, "No," and walked away. I was quite surprised. His mother then explained to me, "He doesn't think anyone liked his cookies because no one came up to him later to tell him that his cookies were delicious or that they really appreciated the cookies."

When I heard this, I felt surprised at first, but as I thought about it some more, it made sense. I'm sure when he gave cookies personally to some teachers, they said "Thank you". The problem is, this "Thank you" is rather scripted and expected, so it doesn't hold much sincerity and weight. As a result, the student didn't feel assured that the teachers truly appreciated his cookies.

Moreover, although we liked the cookies, none of us thought to go up to him afterwards to tell him that we really liked the cookies. A key word is "afterwards". Again, if we eat the cookie right when he gives it to us, and we say, "Oh this tastes good!", it's rather scripted; after all, what else would anyone say? No one would be impolite and say it doesn't taste good, so he can't be sure that we truly liked the cookies.

From this experience, I learned that if we truly want others to feel appreciated for giving us something, we should wait until afterwards to give them a very specific thank-you message. If I could go back in time, I would go up to that student after school and tell him, "Thank you for the cookies! I really like how soft they were, and the sweetness was just the right amount." This kind of specific praise after the event conveys true sincerity and appreciation.

I also admire how this student didn't just take it for granted that others should like his cookies, but instead observed everyone's response afterwards to confirm. If nobody went up to him afterwards to tell him how much they liked it, then it probably means that they only liked the cookies a little bit, or perhaps they took the cookies out of politeness, but they didn't really want the cookies. In this case, it's probably not worth it to spend the time to make another batch.

On a related note, I once heard someone say that if a person brings you a gift unexpectedly, don't look for a return gift right away. Wait until later to visit them and bring a gift. It left a deep impression on me because on my street, many people plant a vegetable garden, including my mother. Sometimes, neighbors will bring vegetables to us, and we would often immediately find some vegetables to give back to them from our backyard.

Now, I'm not saying this is wrong. It's good and natural for us to give something back from our own garden. It's certainly more polite than not giving anything in return. But perhaps an even higher level of etiquette would be to give them a sincere "thank you" with a smile, and then bring our vegetables to their house on a future day, and praise the vegetables that they gave us earlier.

If we look for something to give back to them right away, it almost feels like we don't want to "owe" them a gift, so we want to give them back something as soon as possible. At the core, this is self-centeredness, whereas the core of etiquette is others-centeredness. If we are focused on others' feelings, then we'd happily receive their gift because that's what would make them happy. Then we wait until later to give a return gift and give a specific praise about the past gift they gave us; in this way, they would know for sure that we truly appreciated and liked the gift.

Conclusion

When someone does something nice for us, go beyond the scripted "thank-you" to express our appreciation, especially if we'd like them to do more of it. As the giver, don't take it for granted that others should like our gift; be sure to observe their response afterwards.

Weekly Wisdom #363