Wisdom From A Filial Piety Paragon: Xihai Wang

Alex Chen
1 hour ago
10 min read

Recently, I had the honor to meet Mr. Wang Xihai (王希海), who is admired as a present-day paragon of filial piety in China. Basically, that means he treats his parents with the utmost love and respect, and his story has touched and inspired the whole country. I had the chance to listen to a couple of his lectures live, as well as privately ask him some questions.

First, I'll briefly introduce Wang's story. When Wang's father was 56, he had a brain injury and became completely paralyzed. At the time, Wang was in his mid-twenties, and he had the opportunity to work abroad. Back then, working abroad was a very glorious thing for Chinese people. However, he decided to let go of the opportunity for money and glory and instead return home to take care of his father who had basically become a vegetable person (unable to move or speak). He made a vow for his father to live at least until age 80.

When asked why 80, he said it's because in his perspective, when people reach 80, they feel like they've gained something valuable (I interpret it as a sort of satisfaction towards oneself and one's life). When asked why he didn't go abroad, earn money, and hire a caretaker for his dad, he said that there's no way he'd have a clear conscience if he had done that.

Wang then spent the next 26 years taking care of his vegetable father, who indeed lived to past 80.

Moreover, his father had extremely healthy skin and even had muscle. All the doctors viewed it as a miracle. How did he feed his father? How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? How did he communicate with his father? How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores?

Wang says,

"Love makes the impossible possible."

How did he feed his father? He took a bowl of porridge and used a spoon to stir and mash the porridge into a paste. Then he added water to the paste and fed it to his father. The thing is, the paste has to be just the right consistency and amount, or else his father would choke. Too thick, he'll choke. Too thin, he'll choke. Too much at once, he'll choke. Too little, he'll choke. How does he attain just the right consistency and feed just the right amount? Wang says, "You have to be completely focused and present, and you'll naturally sense when it's just right."

How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? He used a plastic tube that he got from the hospital, put it down his father's throat, and sucked up that accumulated spit there into his own mouth, then he spit it out.

It sounds gross to most of us, but to Wang, he felt like it's just a part of a son's duty in taking care of his father.

How did he communicate with his father when his father couldn't speak? Wang said he would listen to his father's breathing. If his father felt discomfort, his breathing would change, and then he'd know to turn his father over and give him a massage. He'd also observe his father's face. Although his father is paralyzed, Wang could still see very minute changes in his father's face, which communicates his father's emotions.

How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores? Wang says that most ill people who have to lie on a bed all day will develop bedsores because of the pressure on the skin plus sweat for a prolonged time. If a person grows bedsores, it's over. He tried using different linens to put under his father, but in the end, he realized that there's only one way to prevent bedsores: to frequently turn his father's body over roughly once every half an hour. Not only that, but after turning his father's body over, he gives his father a quick massage to help the muscles relax and the blood flow.

But if he has to turn his father's body over every half an hour, does that mean he never sleeps? Wang says that when he goes to sleep, he puts his arms under his father's hips. Within 30 minutes, his arms become very numb, and he'll wake up from the pain. Then he'll turn his father's body over again.

Aside from having his father's body lie on the bed, he'll also have him sit on a chair and get some sunlight, and he uses a cloth hanging from the ceiling to stabilize his dad's head. He can then go and cook food or wash clothes or do other chores.

When asked by an interviewer, "Over 20 years of this every day, non-stop taking care of your father, do you ever feel tired or unmotivated?"

Wang replied, "Tiring, sure. But whenever I look at my father and see that he's still alive and well, I feel like all my troubles fade away. Although my father can't speak, I know that he is also happy."

One time, he took his father for a health check, and the doctor asked him how long his father has been a vegetable. He replied 20 years. The doctor immediately left. A short while later, the doctor came back with tears in his eyes, saying, "I thought you were lying, but I looked up your dad's medical records these past 20 years. Your nursing abilities is better than any of us professionals. We ought to learn from you."

Wang said that there isn't a set method that he can teach. It all depends on one thing: using your loving heart to sense what they need and to sense a solution. For example, the doctors believe it's impossible to get a vegetable person to exercise and grow muscle, so they asked Wang to demonstrate. Wang then demonstrated, and the doctors were speechless. They asked how he invented his method. Again, Wang said that he single-mindedly focused on the goal of getting his dad to exercise, and he eventually discovered a way that works. It all depends on our loving heart.

The above is just a brief introduction to Wang's story to give a sense of how he's a legend. I've watched his interviews and lectures in the past, so needless to say, I was very honoured to have the chance to meet him in person and ask some questions. Before I talk about what I asked him, I want to give some context for why I asked what I asked.

I’ve mentioned before that I think one of the hardest things to do in moral cultivation is to not get upset at unfair criticisms, especially from one's parents and spouse, who are the people that tend to criticize us the most.

Firstly, why do our parents and spouse tend to criticize us the most? I think it's because people spend the most time with their parents (before moving out) and spouse (after moving out). Parents feel like they have to teach their children good behavior, so it's very easy for them to become naggy and preachy if they're not intentionally cultivating their patience and empathy. As for spouses, they are so used to each other that they neglect the basic politeness and respect that they would give to strangers and less familiar people.

For example, when feeling upset or annoyed, most people wouldn't just dump negative energy on colleagues at work or friends of friends because we'd be afraid of leaving a bad impression on them, but we're so used to our family members that we don't care about leaving a good impression on them anymore; they already know what we are really like. Moreover, because we spend every day with our family members, we tend to see every single small problem as a big deal because we feel like we have to put up with it day in and day out, so we tend to complain and criticize our family members more.

However, from the perspective of the person being criticized, we feel like we have our own reasons for doing what we do, and we have our own preferences that we wish others would respect. Furthermore, we might think that because our parents and spouse are so close to us, they of all people should understand us (or at least try to understand us) rather than jumping to conclusions and assuming we have negative intentions. Misunderstandings from them is far more upsetting than misunderstandings from strangers.

In the past, I wrote an article titled How to Not Get Upset and Criticisms and Misunderstandings, and it mainly talked about empathy and humility.

These are indeed essential, but recently, I got a different and very insightful perspective from Wang.

One time, I saw Wang walking alone, so I rushed over and asked if I could ask him some questions. He said sure. I first asked him if he ever had arguments with his parents. He said no. I was quite shocked. I said I struggle most when my parents misunderstand me and criticize me unfairly. I can't maintain a peaceful mood when I feel unfairly criticized. His response was quite different from what I expected.

He told me, "You need to live a good life and become your best self. If your parents see you living well, they would be very happy for you. But if they see you not living well, they would become worried and anxious, and then in their negative emotions, they would criticize you or misunderstand you. Even if your parents criticize you, you have to believe in yourself. You can definitely make your parents happy. Nowadays, a lot of parents are very demanding and controlling towards children. That’s not good. But as children, we need to understand our parents’ wishes for us and help fulfill their wishes. "

I realized that Mr. Wang has deep faith that parents always want the best for children, even when parents get angry at children, so he wouldn’t become angry or depressed when criticized by parents. In my opinion, the same could be said for sibling and spouses.

I later reflected on past arguments with my parents, and indeed, their negative emotions are often related to worry about my judgment and future. After I created mutual understanding and shared values with my parents, they came to trust my judgment a lot more and even ask for my input when they make decisions.

I also asked Wang, "You said that if your parents ask you for a cup of water, it's already too late. Isn't it a bit unfair to expect us to be able to read other people's minds?"

Wang told me, "You need to live for your parents. Their happiness is your happiness. When you single-mindedly think for them, you can achieve the state of 'no-me', and then you will be able to sense other people’s needs very naturally. But if you are always thinking about yourself, you won’t be able to sense other people’s needs.

For example, if you simply pay attention to your father's face and notice that his lips are a bit dry, then you would naturally get him a cup of water. When you give him a cup of water right when he wants water, it will be like holy water for their soul. He will feel extremely loved. But if your parents have to ask you for the water, then that water is dead water.”

After hearing his explanation, I felt like his words aren't so unreasonable after all. At its core, it's about using our attention to sense other people's situation and needs, and to do that, we have to care about others (or in Wang's words, we have to have a loving heart). It's kind of like wanting to give outstanding service to others, but the intention isn't to gain a tip or praise, but rather one of love and respect.

We all tend to habitually think about ourselves, which obstructs us from sensing other people's needs, but with conscious and persistent effort, we can change our habit of self-centeredness to kindness. I wrote about my experience in this article: My Year of Practicing Selflessness.

I then asked Wang, "After your lecture, I heard some people say that they feel like what you have done is a miracle, and that they couldn't do what you have done. What would you say to these people?"

He said, "Everyone is capable of making miracles. My education is a lot less than most people. If I can do it, you all can too. It all depends on your loving heart. Love is everywhere. Solutions are everywhere. But it's up to you to tap into that love and sense the solutions. All the solutions I've discovered when taking care of my dad arose because I was single-mindedly dedicated to helping him live to 80. If you can single-mindedly dedicate yourself to a cause, you can create miracles too."

I told him, "I used to have a lot of conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship has gotten a lot better."

He told me, "You might think it’s good, but your parents might have unspoken wishes that you haven’t sensed. You have to use your heart to sense their unspoken wishes for you."

He then asked me, “How old are your parents?”

I said, “In their mid-fifties.”

He said, “When people reach 60, their body will become older a lot faster. Health is mostly to do with our mind and emotions. If you aren't living a good life, if they don't see a bright future for you, then they will worry about you. Their worry, anxiety, and negative emotions will make them sick in the future. But if you make them very happy and diligently take care of them, then they won't want to get sick. They will think, 'My child loves me so much and tries so hard to make me happy, I mustn't get sick. I need to stay healthy for my child.' When they see you doing well, they will be even happier for you than you yourself, and they will be healthy. Cherish your time with them, and don't leave any regrets."

(Side note: According to Chinese medicine, emotions indeed play a big role in health, and I've written about this in the article TCM: Emotions and Health.)

By this point, we had chatted for a while, and he had to take a phone call. I thanked him for his valuable advice and time and went back to my room to record all that I could remember.

Conclusion

When your parents or family members think of you, are they happy or worried? Rather than being upset at criticism, we could change our perspective and see their criticisms as an expression of their concern for us, and if we want to help them calm down, we should do a better job to ease their worries. Even better, to make them delighted, we could sense their unspoken needs and fulfill their aspirations for us. And no matter what we do, as long as we whole-heartedly and single-mindedly dedicate ourselves to something, we too can create miracles. Thank you again to Mr. Wang for the insightful wisdom!

Weekly Wisdom #344