Search Results

Have you ever had to work or get along with someone difficult? Maybe it's a boss, a coworker, a classmate, or a family member. Recently, I was chatting with a friend who is facing a difficult boss and team members. I also happen to be dealing with some difficult students this semester. We are both reading The Daily Stoic, and we catch up once a month to discuss our learnings and practice, so this month, we discussed the topic of difficult people. We had a great conversation, and I continued to reflect on this topic afterwards. Below, I summarize ten ways to work well with difficult people: Focus on what you can control Focus on the greater good See it as necessary training Reduce expectations View it as normal Cultivate gratitude Find the good Practice empathy and kindness Do the opposite in positive Believe in yourself and practice (You can click on the list item to jump to that section) Icon Sources: Flaticon 1: Focus On What You Can Control If I had to summarize the core essence of Stoicism, it would be this: Focus on what you can control (your own thoughts and actions), and let go of the rest (other people and outside circumstances). On March 19 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "For there are two rules to keep at the ready—that there is nothing good or bad outside my own reasoned choice, and that we shouldn't try to lead events but to follow them." In other words, whether something is good or bad depends on our own thinking, and our own thinking is within our control. We also should not focus on external events, which are outside our control, but on our reactions to them, which are in our control. To be clear, we can make plans (in our control), but when we implement them, things will often not go according to plan (outside our control). When this happens, we should "follow" the situation at hand by reacting in the best way possible (in our control) as opposed to being stubborn about our previous plan and becoming unhappy about unexpected obstacles. A great analogy is water in a river flowing against a rock. Water yields to the rock, yet it wears away the rock. If we are stubborn like rock, and we fight with another rock, both of us well be harmed. But if we can be soft and flexible like water, then we will find a way around the rock and overcome the rock indirectly. When facing a difficult person, if we always think, "That person is at fault, that person has these problems, that person is wrong, this situation is so annoying…" then we are focusing on things outside our control, and we are being hard like rock. No wonder we feel like an unfortunate and helpless victim. On September 17 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "What if someone despises me? Let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good-natured to all, and prepared to show even the haters where they went wrong. Not in a critical way, or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully." In other words, other people behaving unreasonably is their matter. How we behave is our matter. We need to behave properly regardless of how others behave. We can think, "OK, this is the kind of person I have to get along well with. I will not be like that. I will not be dragged down by them, and if possible, I will lift them up." To take this train of thought one step further, if we want others to behave better, we have to first role model that behavior. For example, if we want them to be more polite and respect, we have to be polite and respectful to them first. If we want them to be patient and genuinely helpful to us, we have to role model that behavior first. Otherwise, if we tell them to be better behaved, they will think, "Well, you're no better than me, what right do you have to tell me to behave better?" Notice that the situation is exactly the same, but one way of thinking will lead to hopelessness and conflict, while the Stoic way of thinking will lead to hope and improvement. Real-Life Practice 1: To give a personal experience, I work as a high school teacher, and this semester, I got many difficult students who failed many classes in the past and have weak ability. I could complain and fret over being given "bad" students, but I cannot change that situation, so it is pointless and counter-productive to complain. Moreover, complaining makes me a bad teacher, which means I have been dragged down by them. Instead, I focused on how I need to change myself to adapt to these students. For example, I need to talk to them more than regular students to help them feel like the teacher actually cares about them. I also need to improve my patience and kindness, as well as my teaching abilities to help students with lower ability understand the class content. I made a list of things I could try this semester to be a better teacher, and I reported this to my principal. She was really happy about it and asked me to share my experience to help other teachers. What initially seemed like a "bad" thing became "good" because I focused on what is in my control. 2: Focus on The Greater Good Another key idea of Stoicism is to think bigger and farther than just our small selves. On April 4 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "Fight to remain the person that philosophy wished to make you. Revere the Gods, and look after each other. Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." In other words, philosophy teaches us to respect those above us and love all around us. Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome, so only the Gods were above him. But for us common folk, we should respect our parents, teachers, bosses, and leaders. We should also take care of all the people around us, such as our siblings, friends, and colleagues. Life is short, and the most meaningful way to live it is to be a good person and to help the greater good. To give an analogy, imagine you are on a boat. The boat has a captain and crew. The captain is the leader, so we should all respect the leader. Otherwise, no decisions can be made, nothing can get done, and the boat will get nowhere. If the boat doesn't go anywhere for a long time, everyone starves and dies. Of course, if the leader has faults, we should advise the leader, but do so in a respectful way, with the purpose of helping the whole crew. We also need to take care of all the people around us. If a crew member has a problem and we don't help them, the whole boat might be in danger. But if we help anyone on the boat do their job better, then we help everyone on the boat be safe, including ourselves. Life is the same. We shouldn't only focus on ourselves and think, "Their problem is their problem. As long as I'm fine, I don't care." If a boat member is struggling with their job, you might be unimpacted for a day or two, but after a while, the whole boat will have a problem, and then everyone sinks. Therefore, we should nurture our heart to be bigger and kinder, to want the best for not just ourselves but also all the people around us. Real Life Practice 2: With the group of "difficult" students that I have, I could be selfish and think, "The responsibility to pass my course is fully on them. If they don't try, then they fail. I don't care. I get my pay cheque regardless." But we are all interconnected. If we make the people around us suffer, we will suffer too. If I have this kind of uncaring attitude towards them, I will not be happy at work. That means every day, I have to wake up dreading going to work. Making my students suffer is making me suffer. But if I desire to help my students, and I try lots of different ways to do so, then I feel like my days are very meaningful, and I look forward to class with the same group of "difficult" students. When I got good results with these students, they naturally told their counselors and spread a good name for me behind my back. I've experienced that helping others definitely benefits ourselves, so long as we are sincere and patient in our kindness. 3: See It As Necessary Training Stoicism is very pragmatic and down-to-earth. It recognizes that we will all face difficulties in life, and the time to train for difficulties is in the good times. On March 20 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." We can be pretty certain that we will encounter more difficult people in the future, and the stakes may be higher in the future. Therefore, we can view the difficult person in front of us as a gift. They are giving us necessary training for our future success. Real Life Practice 3: For my friend, we talked about how she is still fairly young, so it is great that she faced this challenge early in her life. In the future, it is totally likely that she might become a leader and have to work with difficult team members. Or perhaps she will have a big-ticket client worth billions of dollars, and that client sends a representative who is difficult to work with. If at that time, she lacks the virtues to work well with a difficult person, that could cost her company billions of dollars, which would ruin her career. From a personal perspective, maybe our future spouse might have difficult family members that we need to get along with. So learning to work well with this difficult manager and group of colleagues is actually very necessary training for her life. The question then, is not how to change them, but how to train ourselves to be able to work well with them. When she saw these difficulties as necessary training, she became more hopeful and happy. 4: Reduce Expectations I used to think that I would be happy if only I could just get what I wanted. Later, I learned from Stoicism and Buddhism this belief was the root of my suffering. On July 3 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "The task of a philosopher: we should bring our will into harmony with whatever happens, so that nothing happens against our will and nothing that we wish for fails to happen." In other words, Happiness = Expectations - Reality. To increase happiness, we can either change reality or change our expectations. Guess which one is easier and 100% within our control? To be clear, Stoicism and Buddhism are not saying you cannot have any desires. They are saying you should not be attached to anything, to not cling to anything. If I get it, great. If not, that's okay too. Real Life Practice 4: At the beginning of the semester, I had a pep talk with myself. I want to chat with students daily to understand how their studies and life are going, but I must not become demanding towards them. If they don't fix their bad habits right away, I must not get impatient with them. This is easy to say, but much harder to do in practice. I told myself, "I want the best for my students, but if they don't respond positively, that's okay, I will keep trying my best. I hope for them to respond positively, but I do not demand them to do so. If I have a demand, then I will become upset when that demand is not met. Then I have failed to be a good Stoic." When I adjusted my attitude, my communication and interactions with my students became a lot more harmonious despite their "difficult" behavior. 5: View It As Normal Viewing something as normal helps us to reduce our expectations and demands. On April 6 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "When you first rise in the morning, tell yourself: I will encounter busybodies, ingrates, egomaniacs, liars, the jealous, and cranks. They are all stricken with these afflictions because they don't know the difference between good and evil. Because I have understood the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil, I know that these wrong-doers are still akin to me…and that none of them can do me harm, or implicate me in ugliness--nor can I be angry at my relatives or hate them. For we are made for cooperation." In other words, this world is not perfect. Not everyone grew up with good moral education or virtuous role models. To encounter difficult people in life is absolutely normal. There is nothing to get upset about. Moreover, we need to focus on our own behavior (which is in our control) as opposed to their behavior (which is outside our control). Even if they are rude and disrespectful, we do not have to react in the same way. We can respond with respect and consideration. That is the mark of a truly great person. Real Life Practice 5: I work as a teacher, and a retired teacher once told me, "A teacher complaining about bad students is like a doctor complaining that he has to see sick people all day. There is nothing to complain about, this is your job!" I also remind myself that being able to teach good students is nothing special. Being able to teach the difficult students is what truly makes a great teacher. 6: Cultivate Gratitude Gratitude is another excellent method to reduce our demands towards outside people and events. When we feel fortunate to have all that we have, we then need to take action to repay gratitude. On August 29 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." In the example of working with a difficult person, we are suffering because we don't want to have a difficult person in our life. But what if we let go of that attachment? If I don't have a difficult person in my life, great. If I do, that's fine too, I can use it as an opportunity to build my virtues and train myself for future challenges. We can also think about all the good fortune we do have and have to put them to good use in the situation at hand. Real Life Practice 6: With my group of "difficult" students, I've had to remind some of them many times to submit their homework, or be on time for class, or use class learnings on assignments. If I get upset, then that is because I demand them to listen and change right away. The source of my anger is within me. If instead, I let go of that demand, then when they still act according to their bad habits, I would not get upset. I would think, "If you change, great, that is good for your future. If you don't change, that's fine too, I will use your behavior to keep training my patience, kindness, and wisdom." I can also think about how fortunate I am to have a job that I enjoy, that supports my family and future goals, that gives me great work-life-balance. If it weren't for these students in front of me, I wouldn't have this job. And if it weren't for Stoicism, I wouldn't have the wisdom to handle difficult people. To repay the gratitude of this job and Stoicism, I need to improve my virtues and abilities to help these students have the best learning experience possible. By thinking this way, I naturally become more positive and productive. 7: Find the Good As mentioned before, whether something is good or bad depends on how we view it and how we use it. I like the way Napoleon puts it: "Every problem comes with an equal or greater opportunity." The key is, can we find the good? If we are weak at this skill, then we need to train ourselves to find the good in every situation, and that training takes place in our daily life and our daily problems. A great way to do this training is to cultivate gratitude. Notice all the good fortune you do have, feel grateful for it, and then try to repay gratitude. Real Life Practice 7: My friend told me how her colleagues often have conflicting ideas. I said, "Well, at least you don't have to worry about groupthink." That is an example of finding the good in a situation. This is not empty positivity. This is a true upside of the situation; we just have to notice it to appreciate it. In my situation, although I have some "difficult" students this semester, when I spent some time getting to know them better, I realized that they all have good points. I just had to find them amongst their more noticeable flaws, and then focus on those good points. For example, one student is very sloppy with his work. Sure, this is bad in the sense that he will get a low grade. But this is also good in the sense that I know the reason for his low grade, and I know what to guide him with. Moreover, he is aware of his problem, so he does not blame his low grade on me This situation is also good because he knows I am trying to help with it every time I remind him to do his quizzes slower and to double-check his work. Even more, whenever I remind him in front of the class, the whole class gets a useful reminder. And when he did double-check his work and did well on a quiz, I praised him in front of the class, and the whole class was happy for him. Indeed, every problem has an equal opportunity. 8: Practice Empathy and Kindness When we have a conflict with someone, we usually think thoughts like, "I can't understand this person…She is so unreasonable…He is so inconsiderate." When we think that their behavior is unreasonable, we become demanding towards them (we demand them to be reasonable). Then we get angry and upset that they are behaving the way we demand them to behave. How can we solve this problem from within our own minds? Stoicism teaches us to cultivate empathy. On August 31 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius says, "Whenever you take offense at someone's wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings…By thinking on this, you'll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them--for what else could they do?" Being empathetic means being able to see things from the other person's point of view. When we see others act unreasonable, we can ask ourselves, "Have we ever acted unreasonably? What was I thinking back then? How did I feel back then? That is how this person is feeling now. We felt the same way in the past, so we shouldn't be judging them now. We can also ask ourselves, "How would I like to be treated when I am behaving unreasonably?" Obviously, we hope to be treated with kindness, patience, and understanding. So we should treat that person the same way. Hence, Ryan Holiday says, "How much more tolerant and understanding would you be today if you could see the actions of other people as attempts to do the right thing?" No one tries to be stupid, difficult or unreasonable. Everyone (including ourselves) thinks they are being reasonable and proper. When we can see what notions of right and wrong compels them and the influences on them, then we will see their behavior as a natural reaction to their circumstances. When we see their behavior as natural and reasonable, we will stop feeling angry and stop demanding them to be different. Real Life Practice 8: This semester, I am teaching online, and one of my students often comes late to class and leaves early without permission. When I call on her in class, she often is not even there. I tried to set up a one-on-one chat with her many times to try to understand her situation better, but she often leaves before I finish class. In the past, I would get upset and ignore this student. But this semester, I am trying to be more empathetic. Rather than get upset at her, I saw it as training my patience and reminding me to not be demanding. I also decided to wait until I understood her situation before making any judgments about her behavior. Eventually, I got to chat with her one-on-one. I learned that she has difficulty sleeping, so she takes sleeping pills. But the side effect is that she gets major headaches randomly throughout the day, then all she can do is lie down on her bed. Moreover, her downstairs neighbor randomly comes over and complains that she walks too loudly, so she has been spending a lot of time arguing with her neighbor. When I understood her situation, my annoyance faded, and I felt compassion for her. If I were in her situation, I would behave in a similar way. Perhaps I would be more respectful to my teacher and communicate with my teacher more, but that's because I understand the importance of respect and communication. She does not, so of course she wouldn't communicate with me. I then told her that I'm very sorry to hear about all the struggles she is going through, and I don't want to be an additional source of pain in her life. If she cannot do this course now, she can do it in the future at a better time. If she wants to try to pass this course, I will do my best to help her. When she felt that I cared for her and was not judgmental or demanding towards her, she started trying harder in class. I continued to chat with her frequently and give her encouragement. Thus, empathy and kindness prevented me from being annoyed at this student for a whole semester. 9: Do The Opposite in Positive Most of our behavior is habitual. When people behave "unreasonably" it is probably also a habit. On June 26 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "What assistance can we find in the fighting against habit? Try the opposite!." This can apply to correcting our bad habits as well as responding to other people's bad habits. Here are some examples for correcting our negative habits: If you find yourself complaining, you could force yourself to list some positives about the situation. If you find yourself feeling demotivated, try giving a motivational pep talk to yourself (or even another person who is also feeling the same way). If you start feeling anxious, list out all the reasons why you'll be OK and how you can take preventative measures. After practicing this for a long time, our habits will naturally change. Here are some examples for responding to other people's negative habits: If the other person starts complaining, and then they ask you for your opinion, you can respond by listing all the good points about that situation or person (but don't proactively argue with them). If the other person is arrogant and asserts that they are right, you can be humble and say that you do not know everything, but you will double check with an expert. If the other person is very impolite towards you, you can be extra polite towards them. When we respond to other people's bad behavior with the opposite good behavior, not only do we improve our virtues, but our goodness is even more visible to all those around us. Real Life Practice 9: I used to complain a lot in life, and I decided to fix this bad habit by practicing gratitude. Specifically, I write down at least one thing I am grateful for every day in my journal. Over time, I started getting better and better at being grateful. This semester, I often feel grateful for my "difficult" students because it is thanks to them that my teaching abilities are improving. When a student was complaining to me about how his other teacher gives excessive homework, I put in a good word for the teacher. I told him that all teachers want the best for their students, and I know this teacher really cares about her students. You should communicate with her more and ask her how you can manage your homework better. Sometimes when I chat with my students, their minds are very agitated, so they talk very fast and explain themselves a lot. At these times, I remind myself to not get carried along by their agitation. Instead, I respond by talking extra slow and maintaining my calm. It is not easy, and I don't always succeed, but when I do succeed, I always feel a great sense of accomplishment. 10: Believe In Yourself and Practice We covered many great tips in this article, but they are of no use unless you go and practice them. On August 12 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "Many words have been spoken by Plato, Zeno, Chrysippus, Posidonius, and by a whole host of equally excellent Stoics. I'll tell you how people can prove their words to be their own—by putting into practice what they've been preaching." When we practice, we may find that these teachings are simple but not always easy. For example, it is easy to say, "If other people behave unreasonably, I won't get upset. I will remain humble and kind." But when the situation actually arises, can you remember to do it, let alone succeed? Just like riding a bike, the learning process always has failure. We will fall many times until we finally get the hang of it. When we fall, it is important to believe in ourselves and get back up. On June 4 of The Daily Stoic, Ryan Holiday said, "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this." If the great humans of the past could work well with difficult people and accomplish greatness, then so can we. Their genes are no different than ours. Their situations were even worse than ours. For example, Epictetus was a slave, and Seneca was exiled. If they can maintain peace of mind in such hard situations, then so can we. Real Life Practice 10: I keep a daily journal where I reflect on my virtues and faults each day. I had a period of time where I felt demoralized by all my faults and problems. Later, I viewed it as normal that I would have lots of faults, and I must not demand myself to fix all of them all at once. That is being too impatient and demanding towards myself. Instead, I should focus on correcting my faults one by one, slowly but steadily. As I try to interact properly with my group of "difficult" students this semester, I don't always get it right. I have off days too. But I remind myself I definitely have the ability to become great. The key is to never give up and to always try my best. Conclusion Working with difficult people is something we will all experience in life. If we are unable to work well with difficult people, we are guaranteed frustration and conflict. But if we can work well with such people, then we will gain inner peace, growth, and success. Rather than focusing our attention on other people or outside circumstances, Stoicism teaches us to focus on changing and adapting ourselves. This article looked at ten Stoic ways to excel around difficult people: Focus on what you can control Focus on the greater good See it as necessary training Reduce expectations View it as normal Cultivate gratitude Find the good Practice empathy and kindness Do the opposite in positive Believe in yourself and practice While I do not wish for you to encounter difficult people unnecessarily, I do wish for you the ability to flourish around such people should such a situation arise. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #202

I told her, "You wanting more romance to sustain the relationship is like relying on caffeine, cigarettes , and junk food to sustain your relationship. She asked, "So, if romance can't sustain a relationship, then what can?" If your husband shares that mission with you, that can sustain your relationship when the times get tough When both of you focus on gratitude and giving, then sustaining the relationship will be long-lasting

Introduction We live in an interdependent society, where teamwork is an essential skill. In his book, Teamwork 101, John Maxwell explains that teamwork is important because nothing significant is achieved by a lone person. If you look deeper into seemingly solo acts, you’ll find that there’s always a team behind it. For example, Einstein is a genius and legend that revolutionized the scientific community, and he said, “Many times a day, I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.” -Einstein Teams have more resources than individuals. Furthermore, different people in a team have different strengths, and when they can bring those strengths together, they can accomplish more than what each individual can do separately. In a bad team, the sum of each part is less than the whole. For example, let’s say we have a team of three, and each person can contribute 10 points to the team. In a bad team, 10 + 10 + 10 = 15. In a great team, the sum of each part is greater than the whole. For example, 10 + 10 + 10 = 50. That's the true meaning of TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. Image Source Oddly enough, many of us never learned in school how to work effectively in teams. In this article, we will look at five factors for team success: Communicating rules of engagement Committing to shared goals Connecting on shared values Having diversity Assigning responsibility based on strengths The most important measure of team success is harmony. If a team can work together harmoniously, they will produce great results. These five factors all help you improve team harmony. Factor 1: Communicating Rules of Engagement Rules of engagement are rules about how you will communicate with each other and work together. You should set these rules in your first team meeting. You should ask the team questions such as How will we communicate with each other? (In-person? WeChat? Zoom?) How frequently will we meet? How long will the meetings be? How often should be report our progress to each other? What will we do if there’s disagreement? (Group vote? One person decides?) What happens if someone doesn’t reply to group communication? (Call their phone? Kick them out of the group?) An effective team is open and clear and all these details right at the beginning. An effective team usually neglects these details and then has conflicts about them later. Factor 2: Committing to Shared Goals A successful team will consciously write down or verbally state the goal of the team and make sure everyone agrees to it. This is when people honestly share their level of commitment and motivation towards the team. It’s okay if some people are less committed than others as long as they are open about it so that the more committed people can plan accordingly. An ineffective team usually fails to set shared goals, and then team members have conflicts over how hard people are working. For example, let’s say you are doing a school project with two other people, and you are aiming for a 95% on the project. You can’t just assume the other two people also want the same goal as you. Yet many people don’t share their goal with the team, and then they get upset at their teammates when their teammates don’t work as hard as them. By communicating your goals openly with each other, you can come to an agreement together, which then tells you how hard everyone has to work. You can every agree as a team for certain people to work harder than others because their goal is higher. Agreement leads to harmony, and harmony leads to performance. Factor 3: Connecting on Shared Values In a great team, the team members feel connected to each other. What connects them? Shared values. To give you some examples of shared values, think CORREL: Caring — We will help each other, not judge each other Open-communication — We will tell each other if we need help or have any problems Respect — We will come to meetings on time and take them seriously Responsibility — We will fulfill our promises Excellence — We will do our best Learning — We will focus on improving each other's work, not on being perfect During the first meeting, you should ask each person to share what kind of person they aim to be during the teamwork period. Then look what multiple people say in common. Write down those values and have the team agree on treating each other according to these shared values. Factor 4: Having Diversity A successful team will have people with different strengths and weaknesses. Furthermore, the team members appreciate each others’ different strengths and therefore can work harmoniously together. An ineffective team might have little diversity in strengths and weaknesses. As a result, the team has major weaknesses that no one can cover. Or the team might have different strengths and weaknesses, but they lack harmony, so they end up criticizing each others’ weaknesses rather than leveraging each others’ strengths. Factor 5: Assigning Responsibilities Based on Strengths A successful team will communicate each person’s strengths and weaknesses so that the team can assign responsibilities based on each person’s strengths. For example, Assign creative and imaginative people to lead brainstorming Assign detail-oriented people to do quality checking Assign talkers to articulate and summarize ideas Assign task-focused people to enforce create milestones and enforce deadlines Assign analytical people to do analysis An ineffective team usually has people splitting tasks randomly and then having everyone check everyone’s work, or even worse, not checking at all. Of course, this factor requires each person to know their strengths and weaknesses first. You can use professional personality tests such as DISC and Myers-Briggs to determine people’s objective strengths and weaknesses. Conclusion In this article, we looked at five factors for team success: Communicating rules of engagement Committing to shared goals Connecting on shared values Having diversity Assigning responsibility based on strengths All these factors improve team harmony, which leads to team performance. When we can perform well in teams, we can achieve more than what the individual team members could achieve separately. As Mother Theresa said, “You can do what I cannot do. I can do what you cannot do. Together, we can do great things.” -Mother Theresa

Example 1: Relationships Image Source If you DON'T have a relationship problem with anyone in your life But chances are, most of us have relationship problems because most of us are not able to constantly For example, I used to have relationship conflicts with my mom. Our whole world runs on relationships, so I cannot emphasize this topic enough. If we could all have happy and harmonious relationships with each other, then we wouldn't have broken

Image Source: Unsplash In the Han Dynasty, there were two scholars named Zhang Shao (张劭) and Fan Shi (范式), and they were great friends. They studied together at the Imperial College of Supreme Learning, the highest educational institute at the time. After graduation, they each returned to their hometowns, but they planned to meet again in two years, when Fan Shi would go visit Zhang Shao’s home. Two years passed, and Zhang Shao told his mother that his friend, Fan Shi, would be coming today. His mother said, “You two made that arrangement two years ago. Maybe he forgot by now. Besides, his hometown is so far away from here, are you sure he will come?” Zhang Shao replied, “My friend is extremely trustworthy. I’m sure he will come.” Then, he and his mother prepared the house and food for Fan Shi’s arrival. As Zhao Shao said, Fan Shi indeed arrived later that day. Their friendship continued to grow as time went on. Later on, Fan Shi was critically ill, and he told his wife, “You must go find Zhang Shao, tell him I don’t have much time left, and bring him here to see me off.” So his wife rushed to find Zhang Shao. As soon as Zhao Shao heard the news, he rushed to Fan Shi’s town. By the time Zhao Shao arrived, Fan Shi had already passed, and the funeral staff were trying to make his coffin. But for some reason, the staff couldn’t get the angles right. When Zhao Shao arrived, they suddenly were able to get the angle right. Then Zhao Shao personally buried Fan Shi and handled his funeral affairs. Furthermore, he took care of Fan Shi’s wife and children. These two friends set a heart-moving example of what it means to be a true friend.

(Source) Maintaining relationships with unhappy family members: This will be easier if you do two things

(Source)* If you want to improve your relationship with a family member or anyone else you take for granted

Image Source Recently, I was chatting with a friend, and she told me that she has been feeling a lot of chaos recently. She reflected that she has a lot of expectations for her life and for other people. When those expectations are not met, she feels stressed, and other people feel uncomfortable too. I asked her if she has a lot of expectations for her parents. She paused and looked at me for a moment, so I explained, "How we treat our parents is our true selves. We can put on a show towards others because they are far away from us. We can put on one image to our coworkers, another image to this group of friends, another image to that group of people. But our parents have known us our whole lives. We can't fool them, so we don't try. If you are very harsh on yourself and others, I bet you are harsh on your parents too." She reflected, "Yes, actually I do have a lot of demands for my parents." I said, "Alright, it's great that you can recognize this. If you want to stop being so demanding towards yourself, first stop being so demanding towards your parents. After all, we owe the most gratitude to our parents. Without them, we wouldn't have our life, our education, our health, our job, everything. Even though they weren't perfect, and nobody is perfect, but they did their best for us. How can we be so demanding towards them? That's quite shameful, don't you think?" She nodded. So I asked, "Let's start with your dad. How are you demanding towards him?" She said, "Well, my dad is really busy. He runs a big company, and he also took care of all his siblings and their children. I felt a little bit resentful that he would give those people his limited time but not me. I guess I always wanted him to give me more time while I was growing up." I replied, "Yes, that's totally understandable. My mom was super busy when I was growing up too, and I wished for the same thing. But let me ask you this, whenever he did have free time, did he give it to you? I mean obviously he has to work to support the family, and he helps his siblings because he has a strong sense of responsibility. But when he did have time, did he give it to you, or did he do other stuff like go out and play?" She said, "No no, he did not waste his time like that. Whenever he did have free time, he spent it with me. He did try his best." As she said this, I could see her starting to tear up a little. I told her, "So often, we judge people based on their actions, but what we should be doing is judge people based on their intentions. Even though it might seem like your dad does not care about you because he spent little time with you, but actually, he gave 100% of his free time to you! That's full intention. If another father spends 2 hours a day with his daughter, but he has 4 hours of available time, that's only 50% intention. So if you want to repent for being so demanding towards your dad, then you should call him soon and apologize for not seeing his efforts in the past, and then tell him how grateful you are for him now." She replied, "Yes, I was just thinking that I should call him after our chat." I said, "Awesome. OK let's talk about your mom next. How are you demanding towards her?" She said, "Well, I think sometimes I just wish my mom was stronger. But like, she is already so amazing, and I already admire her so much. I guess I expect her to be like superwoman, which is totally unfair to her." I said, "Hmm… Sounds a lot like the way you treat yourself, no?" She said, "Yeah, totally." I said, "OK, obviously, you love your mom. I want you to put yourself in your mom's shoes. Does your daughter need to be like superwoman to deserve your love?" She replied, "No. In fact, my mom always tells me that I don't need to be doing so much to prove myself, that I am amazing the way I am already." I said, "OK, but you see your daughter demanding herself to be like superwoman, being so harsh on herself, how would you feel?" She said, "I guess I would feel quite sad." I said, "OK, so you love your mother, do you want her to feel sad?" She said, "No. I see what you mean now. I really don't need to prove anything to anyone, especially not my mother who loves me the way I am." I said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean your mother does not want you to improve. Imagine an infant learning to walk. We don't harshly demand the infant to be able to walk right away. We know the infant will fall and make mistakes. When that happens, we're there to encourage the infant. We have hope for the infant. We're not going to tell the infant, 'Oh it's okay, you don't need to learn to walk. I'll just carry you for the rest of your life because I love you.' No loving parent in their right mind would do that! We want the infant to reach their full potential. That's called hope. Hope is positive energy. Demands are negative energy. Have hopes, not demands." She laughed at my infant analogy, which meant that she understood. So I asked her, "How can you repent for being so demanding towards your mother then?" She said, "I will talk to her and tell her I'm sorry for being unreasonably demanding before, and I love her the way she is, and going forward, I will love myself the way I am, but also have hopes for myself to reach my full potential." I said, "Awesome! You'll find that once you let go of your demands towards your parents, you will naturally start letting go of demands towards yourself and towards all other people. That will reduce a lot of the inner chaos you felt before. You'll come to appreciate others more, and you'll see how everyone is trying their best." My Experience I also told her that I have the same problem as her, and I've been working on it. Like her, I used to be very demanding towards myself. I realized that part of the reason is because my mother would often criticize me before about my mistakes, so I always felt like I needed to be perfect and not make any mistakes. Then I would criticize her back about all her mistakes. Maybe subconsciously, I was thinking, "You're not perfect either. You should be perfect first if you want me to be perfect." But actually, my mom's intention was not to demand me to be perfect; she was simply worried about me making bad decisions. She is a loving mother. How do I know? Because she told me that when I was in her womb, everyone urged her to get an abortion because the family was not ready to have a child yet. But she said, "I don't care what you guys say, I am not going to kill my own child. Even if I become a homeless person on the street, I can sell apples and raise this child." Whenever I think of this, I get teary. How could I be so harsh and demanding towards my mother? Once I stopped being so demanding towards her, and instead started appreciating all the hardship she went through for me, I naturally started being less demanding towards myself and others. I also started having big hopes for myself. I realized that everyone is trying their best to be a good person, whatever their idea of "good person" means to them. Some people have incorrect ideas about what it means to be "good", which leads to their suffering, and that's so unfortunate. I was like that in the past, so I hope now I can spread wisdom and help people gain real joy through wisdom. Conclusion 1. Are you demanding towards anyone, including yourself? 2. How can you let go of demands and have hopes instead? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #194 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

But just like how flowers need a small amount of daily watering, our relationships need a small amount

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Source: Heart of a Buddha mini book Source Commentary: We are like candles with limited energy and time in our lives. The most meaningful and joyful pursuit is to use our fire to light other candles, to leave a positive impact on all the other candles around us. Example: Giving words of affirmation, encouragement, or appreciation to the people around us. When people feel supported and valued, they will treat others with support and value.

to be a good person, how to resolve their emotional problems in a healthy way, or how to foster good relationships No wonder I had so many problems in relationships!

Image Source: Unsplash This year, I really tried to improve my relationship with my mother, especially Our relationship got noticeably better after a month. If you want to improve a relationship with someone you see every day, I highly recommend trying what