Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 During the time of the Buddha, there was a person named Upali. He was part of the servant class in India's hierarchical society, and he worked as a barber. One day, he was giving a haircut and a shave to a nobleman. This nobleman talked to him about the Buddha, and he became really interested. As a result, he lost concentration and accidentally ruined the nobleman's beard. The nobleman got very angry, so Upali quickly ran away.   Afterwards, Upali couldn't stop thinking about the Buddha, so he went to look for him. When he found the Buddha's community, he asked to become a monk and learn from the Buddha. The Buddha accepted his request.   Later, many kings heard about the Buddha, and they sent many of their noblemen to go become monks and learn from the Buddha. In the Buddha's community, when new monks enter, they have to go through a ritual where they bow down towards senior monks and express their wish for senior monks to guide them in the future. When these noblemen saw that Upali was a more senior monk, and that they have to bow down to their previous barber, they all became angry and unwilling.   The Buddha saw this situation and said, "It is not Upali who makes you angry, but rather your own ego." (The ego is arrogant and always wants to be better than others.)   These noblemen calmed down and reflected on themselves. They realized that Upali helped them see the root of their anger. With that realization, they let go of their ego and gratefully bowed down to Upali.   Image Source: Wix AI ( Story Source )   Commentary Buddhism explains that the root of anger (and suffering) is an attachment to "I" (the ego). When the ego doesn't get what it wants, it either becomes sad or angry. If we lack self-confidence, then we'll probably become sad. If we're arrogant, then we'll probably become angry.   The ego is kind of like an immature and emotional child. But we all have a rational and mature adult mind that can use logic to overcome the ego. For example, The mature adult mind can say to the ego, "Other people and outside circumstances cannot make me angry. I don't control the outside, but I most certainly can decide how I feel and how I respond to outside situations."   Buddhism teaches us to detach from the emotional child voice inside our heads. That voice is not us. When we bring out proper thoughts, improper thoughts will naturally fade away. When we dampen the ego, we dampen its negative effects, including anger, worry, sadness, and other negative or excessive emotions.   How do we dampen the ego? In the story, the noblemen were immediately able to see the ridiculousness and harmfulness of their ego, and they were able to let it go at that very moment. We can also try doing the same towards our thoughts. For example, if we see someone behaving improperly, and then we get angry at them, we might detect a thought arise in our mind: "What a rude person!"   This thought carries the emotions of anger and blame, which arises from the ego. The ego likes to control and demand others, and when others don't meet its expectations, it gets angry. When we notice that the ego is not worthy of our respect or admiration, that it is quite absurd for thinking that it is the king of the world, we can naturally let go of the ego. We can then bring out proper thoughts from our mature mind: "No one does wrong willingly. Perhaps they never learned proper behavior, or they are still in the process of improving themselves. I should focus on correcting my own faults, not focus on others' problems. In any case, getting angry never helps the situation."   As Liao Fan's Four Lessons says, "When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts will naturally be unable to pollute the mind."   Put in this context, when proper thoughts from the mature mind arise, improper thoughts from the ego will naturally back away.   Laozi mentioned another method to dampen the ego in the Treatise on Response and Retribution : "View others' gains as my own gains. View others' loses as my own losses."   Similarly, Venerable Jing Kong taught us to "think of others with every thought."  For example, if the noblemen put themselves in the shoes of Upali, they might realize that Upali would feel scared that these noblemen are angry at him. No one likes to feel scared, so they shouldn't make Upali scared. If they view Upali's fear as their own fear, they naturally wouldn't get angry at him. When we think about benefiting others, we naturally dampen and forget "I". As we practice this more and more, we'll dampen the ego and gain joy from helping others. Concluding Thoughts When was the last time others made you angry, upset, or unhappy? How might you dampen your ego next time? Weekly Wisdom #298

We all have standards and ideals for what we think a good person should be. As for how we use these standards, there are four possibilities: Strictly demand others and oneself Strictly demand others but lenient with oneself Lenient with others and oneself Lenient with others but strictly demand oneself   Most people tend to use these standards to demand others (#1 and #2), and they are usually more strict with others and lenient with themselves (#2). This is a key cause of conflict.   The stoic philosopher Seneca said: "When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the case for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others." Icon Source   Here, the term "philosophy" can be interpreted as an education on how to be a good person. The teachings of Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism are all good examples of philosophy or moral education. They teach virtues such as kindness, wisdom, respect, courage, etc. Learning philosophy and cultivating virtues is a very noble thing, but a big trap that many people fall into is using these standards to demand others instead of oneself, which then creates conflict. The whole point of learning philosophy is to live a happier and more effective life; if the more we learn, the more conflict we have, then we've learned incorrectly.   If we still have an attitude of demanding others, then when we learn standards for being a good person, we'll start using all these standards to demand others. Before we learned them, we didn't have this "arsenal"; after we learned them, this "arsenal" harms our relationships even more.   Thus, the first step in our self-improvement is to set our attitude straight: we shouldn't focus on others' problems and demand others to be good, but instead demand only ourselves. If we see other people's problems, we should think, "Do I have the same problem? Even if my problem isn't as severe as theirs, I still have that problem to some degree. If I still have that problem, then I have no right to criticize them. I need to fix myself first." I've heard of and encountered so many examples where a person learned philosophy, felt the teachings are great, but then started demanding their family members to learn and abide by these standards. These family members then feel like this person started to become very demanding out of nowhere and oppose this person and the philosophy they are learning. Even if we've never formally learned philosophy, we still have standards of what a good person should be in our own mind. Everyone would agree that a good person should be kind and respectful, but who is able to actually be 100% kind and respectful 100% of the time? Not to mention that the closer we are to someone, such as our family, the more laid back and carefree we are towards them, yet the more demands we have towards them.   If we want to have a harmonious relationship with others, we need to let go of our demands towards them and only demand ourselves. "Harmony" is an attitude, not a matter. If they tend to criticize and demand a lot from us, but in our own heart, we don't oppose them, we don't feel the urge to argue with them, we can understand them, we can be strict with ourselves and lenient towards them, then harmony already exists in the relationship. It takes two to argue. As long as one person has a harmonious attitude in the relationship, conflict will not arise. As for who that person should be, we have to choose the one that we can control. And if that's a hard medicine to swallow, then we can try to understand their difficulties , which cause them to be the way they are. Moreover, if we truly want others to change for the better, to become more kind and respectful, then we still  have to be strict with ourselves and lenient towards them. People don't care so much about what you say. They care about what you do . If you demand them to be more kind and respectful, you're already setting an unkind and disrespectful example. They'll think, "You're not kind or respectful either, so you have no right to demand that from me." (Side note: We can use words to advise and urge others, but the prerequisite is that we've set a good role model ourselves; otherwise, they'll scoff at us. But we need to be respectful and humble when giving advice, not demanding or blaming. For more on how to advise others, check out this article: Rules For Effective Criticism .)   But if we demand ourselves to role model good behavior, and we let go of demanding others, then they'll slowly get influenced. They'll think, "Wow, this person is such a morally good person. They don't give me any pressure. I like them more now. Since they've been so kind and respectful towards me, I feel a bit bad to continue being unkind and disrespectful towards them. I should be more kind and respectful towards them in the future." This is a natural process that takes time, just like a seed takes time to grow into a fruit. If during the process, you get impatient and say, "I've been so kind and respectful towards you for so long now, and you still treat me this way?!" , they'll think, "Oh so you weren't sincere. You're still demanding me. Then I will still oppose you."   People don't change because you force them. If they do, it's because they have no choice but to obey you, and as soon as they can oppose, they will. If we want lasting change, people have to do it out of their own will.   No matter if we want to reduce conflict or to change others, it all starts with letting go of demands towards others and only demanding ourselves to set a good role model. Over time, other people will gradually respect our moral cultivation, and they will naturally feel the urge to emulate us. Weekly Wisdom #297

Recently in a workshop class, a participant asked the teacher, “If a high level leader skips the middle level manager and directly orders the bottom level employee to do something, and then this bottom level employee doesn’t report the matter to his manager, is this wrong?”   Before I let you know what the teacher said, you can think about the answer first.   Personally, I thought “Of course that’s wrong. The bottom level employee needs to report any work they got from other people to his manager. After all, his manager is responsible for him and needs to know what he’s working on. Moreover, higher level leaders need to respect the people below them. It’s disrespectful to not let the middle level manager know that you want to use his direct report.”   To my surprise, the teacher said, “It depends. You have to consider the details of the entire situation. For example, what’s the relationship like between the high level leader and the middle manager? Did they communicate about this kind of matter previously? What’s the personality of the high level leader?   Of course, it’s important for top level leaders to be a good role model. But if they made a mistake, we shouldn’t scold them. It's not socially appropriate for someone in a lower position to scold someone in a higher position. Also, if I’m the middle manager, the next time I see the high level leader, I might smile and laugh and say to the high level leader, 'Oh yeah you can let me know next time that you want to use so and so, then I can help you better!' This way, you get the message across without creating any conflict or awkwardness.”   After class, I told my mentor that I was surprised by the workshop teacher’s reply. Isn't it obviously wrong for the high level leader to not inform the middle manager? My mentor told me, “You have to have situational awareness when answering questions. You have to sense the attitude of the asker. Answering questions is not just about replying the matter, it’s about correcting their attitude and their mistaken way of thinking.   Based on the way this asker asked the question, she feels like obviously, the low level employee should report the matter to the middle manager, and that the top level leader shouldn’t order the low level employee without letting the middle manager know. Her attitude is one of blame and opposition. This kind of attitude will create conflict with others. If the teacher says ‘You are right’, then she will go back to her company and say ‘I went to a workshop, and XYZ famous teacher agrees with me.’ She’ll use our famous teacher’s words to threaten others to listen to her. That’s why our teacher didn’t dare to affirm her views. Instead, he tried to help her understand the other people’s perspectives so that she could communicate with them in a harmonious way.”   My mentor's words reminded me of this quote from The Record on Education : "When you know their mind, you can correct their problem." Icon Sources: 1 , 2   I remembered that oftentimes, when this teacher replies people's questions, he will say, "First, we need to understand others. See things from their perspective. Don't oppose them. Don't think I am right and they are wrong."  Indeed, the root of conflict is not in the matters, but in the attitude (mind) you have towards the matter or person in question.   I then asked my mentor, “So what if the asker further replied, ‘The top leader doesn’t have a close relationship with the middle manager. The top leader is simply someone who likes to do what he wants and doesn’t follow the rules. The low level employee is similar.’ Then how should we reply?"   My mentor said, “You can reply that no one is perfect. When we see our superior has problems, we can advise them in a respectful and polite manner, that we should be understanding and patient in the process."   Again, the response is about correcting their attitude of opposition and blame. I got the idea, as I have previously written about how to effectively advise or criticize others  before.   Another person at the workshop asked the teacher, "My daughter couldn't come today, but she wants me to ask you, if the human race goes extinct, what will happen to Buddhism? Will Buddhism also die out?"   Again, how would you reply? What attitude do you think this daughter might have?   What came to my mind was: "The human race probably won't go extinct anytime soon. The Buddha said there's still 9000 years of Buddhism left."  This answer is still focused on replying the matter.   The teacher replied, "First, I would try to understand why your daughter asked this question. For example, if her personality is the type that tends to worry a lot, I might try to ease her worries and ask her, 'If a person works hard to cultivate virtues and accumulate goodness, do you think they can change their life for the better? If one person can, do you think a family can? The same for a nation and for the entire human race. So don't worry about the human race going extinct. Instead, we can all focus on improving ourselves and accumulating goodness. Also, the Buddha said that there's still 9000 years of Buddhism remaining in this world.'   Another possibility is that she has a big heart and cares a lot about the wellbeing of the whole world. In this case, I would praise her big heart and encourage her to have a big aspiration for herself." From this experience, I learned that when listening to other people's words, we shouldn't just listen to the words. We need to listen deeper for the attitude behind the words, and that comes from observing their facial expression, tone of voice, and choice of words. Consider these examples: If someone offers you help, are they truly sincere, or are they just being polite but don’t actually want to go through the trouble of helping you? If someone says, "It's no trouble" , are they sincere about it, or are they just being polite? If someone says, "How can I help my family members and friends to learn ancient philosophy with me?"  Do they have an impatient, controlling, and opposition attitude? Or do they have a humble and cautious attitude? If someone is asking you for advice, do they truly trust your judgment? Or are they just being polite? Or are they flustered and asking anyone and everyone? If someone is giving you advice, do they have a cautious and humble attitude? Or do they like to lecture others?   Even if two people say the same thing or ask the same question, if their attitude differs, then our response should differ. We can even extend this idea to actions. If someone does something for you, are they happy to do it, or are they doing it because they don't have a choice? Our goal should be to help others have a good attitude and an effective way of thinking. In my observation, this is quite a different way of thinking that many are not aware of. But when we practice this way of thinking, we can better prevent and resolve problems from the root. Weekly Wisdom #296

Recently, I attended a workshop on Traditional Chinese Culture, and one of the workshop participants said something that really confused me. He's around 60 years old, and he said, "When I was young, I was often beaten by my mother. She had a terrible temper. I resented her a lot. I told myself, 'When I grow up, if I have children, I will definitely not be like my mother. I will be a loving father.' Later, I had children, and when they frustrated me, I also hit them just like my mother." I was absolutely bewildered, so I asked him, "If you have such a strong desire to not be like your mother, then why did you end up copying your mother?" He replied, "Because that's the power of role models. As a child, all I ever saw was this kind of role modeling. I never saw a positive role model. So even though I hate this kind of person, that impression got deeply imprinted into my mind, and I became like that. If I only know this kind of role model, how could I be anything else?" I asked further, "So if you hate that kind of person, then did you hate yourself when you were hitting your child or afterwards?" He said, "Oh for sure. After I hit my child, I felt so much remorse." I asked, "Then did you apologize?" He replied, "No, because I never saw a role model who apologized, so I didn't know to apologize. A lot of people nowadays are like me. They grew up with parents who served as negative role models, so if we want to better the world, we need to start by setting a good example for others. The power of role modeling is far more important and stronger than the power of words." Wrongdoers Are Also Victims, But They Can Change After my chat with this elder, I felt a lot more compassion for those who do wrong. I actually quite admire this elder. In my three weeks of interacting with him, I felt that he's a very humble and caring person, so I was really shocked to hear that he used to have a terrible temper. He's a great example of the power of moral education. No person in their right mind would want to be a bad person who hurts others and is resented by others, especially by one's own children. But in his case, he was only ever exposed to bad role modeling, so how could he know anything else? Thus, it's not enough to want to be good, we have to take the initiative to educate ourselves on how to be good. Later, after he learned about Traditional Chinese Culture in his adulthood, he started to change. He saw good role models and had a good teacher who told him to start writing a journal about why he is thankful for his mother. At first, he felt it was rather forced and unnatural. After a week, he wanted to quit. Then, he had another big argument with his mother. The next day, his mother brought out two containers of liquid fertilizer and said to him, "Let's both drink our poison. Then the resentment between you and I will be resolved." At that moment, he felt an intense feeling of dread and shame. He hurt his mother so much that she felt the only way to resolve their conflict is to both commit suicide. At that moment, his father rushed in and took the two bottles of fertilizer away. After that painful event, he went back to his gratitude journal and sincerely started to reflect on his mother's gratitude. At first, he wrote things that were superficial and recent. Gradually, he started to feel deeper gratitude and remember things from a long time ago. Eventually, there were many times he'd break out in tears while writing. Those sessions were like therapy sessions that cleansed away poison from his heart. After three years, he truly and sincerely felt grateful for his mother. He said, "My mother had a very difficult life. I can understand her pain and suffering, which led to her bad temper. When a mother hits her child, her heart is in pain too." Once he cleansed away the hatred and resentment in his heart towards his mother, his relationship with her naturally improved. When his relationship with his mother improved, all his other relationships, such as with his wife, children, and employees also improved. Recover The Innate Love Between Parent and Child Traditional Chinese Culture teaches that the first step in our moral cultivation and in having happy relationships is to recover the innate love between parent and child. When we observe a parent and an infant, we can see there is natural love and trust between them. Ideally, parents are able to help their children maintain that innate love from birth all the way to adulthood and one's entire life. This kind of person would have a heart that's full of love and positive energy to give others. But in our present day society, few people have morally educated parents. Our society and media teaches things like arrogance, anger, and self-centeredness. As a result, so many families have troubles and strife, and the children's hearts are imprinted with fear and negative energy. If we want to resolve all of our relationship conflicts from the root, then we should start by recovering the innate love with our parents. If we think about it, a mother went through so much pain to give birth to her child. The parents then go through years of toil to raise the infant. Parents always do their best and give their utmost to their children, using whatever knowledge and abilities they had at the time. If we can't even love and appreciate our parents, then how could we love and appreciate others who've given less to us? If we can't tolerate the faults of our parents, how can we tolerate the faults of other people? Thus, happy relationships start with the relationship with our parents. Icon Source My Experience In my own experience, I used to always have conflicts with my mother. In my mind, she always criticized me without seeking to understand me first, and she always thinks she's right and I'm wrong. Later, I learned about Traditional Chinese Culture and filial piety (how to be a good child), which made me reflect on my mother's gratitude. She told me that when she was pregnant with me, she didn't have permission from the country and her company (a Fortune 500 company) to have a child, so she got pressure to abort me. But she resolved to keep me, and she was willing to lose her job and find other jobs to raise me. If she couldn't find other jobs, she could sell stuff on the street. In the end, she got approval, but her company got fined. Later, my dad came to Canada. My mother didn't want to leave her stable life behind in China, but my grandma urged her to go to Canada because it would give me a brighter future. She decided to listen to my grandma. After we came to Canada, my dad wanted to attend school, so my mother had to carry the financial burden. I remember how hard my mother worked to make money, and how tired she was after coming home late at night. When I think back to how much my mother loves me, and all the difficulties and sacrifices she went through to raise me, I can't help but tear up. How could I become so disrespectful and argue with her and make her upset? Essentially, it's due to a lack of moral education and living in a morally polluted environment. But when I put her immense gratitude, love, and sacrifice in my mind, my heart only wants her to be happy, and I'll naturally take the blame for any conflicts. Once I recovered trust and understanding with my mother, our relationship became much more harmonious. Whereas before, I might feel like she often criticizes me, now, I can see that she is simply worried about me, and I can patiently communicate with her to ease her worries. In fact, I communicate a lot more proactively to prevent her worries. If I make a mistake, I'll simply apologize rather than defend myself against her criticism. As a result, she trusts me a lot more and rarely worries about me. Once I could understand my mother better, I could naturally love and understand other people better too, whether it's other relatives, friends, colleagues, leaders, or teachers. When others have conflict, I can naturally help them understand the other person's perspective, because I've adjusted my heart from one of blaming and self-defence to one of caring and understanding. So if you have conflict with your parents, start by thinking about how difficult it has been for them to raise you. Yes, they have faults, but so do you, and so does any human being. If we truly put our parents' gratitude in our hearts, we would naturally tolerate their faults prioritize their happiness rather than blaming them and demanding them to change. Next, try to see the caring intentions behind your parents' actions. I heard another workshop participant say that he used to be so annoyed at his father for always nagging at him. But after learning about filial piety, he saw his father's nagging in a different light. He felt his father really wanted to give him advice from the mistakes that he made in the past, and he doesn't want his son to make the same mistakes. Regardless if his advice is accurate or suitable to his situation, and regardless of the fact that his father doesn't know effective communication tactics, he felt the loving intention from his father. As a result, he didn't feel any opposition towards his father anymore, and so he could communicate openly with him. Before, he felt nothing was getting through in their communication. After the shift in mentality, their communication became much smoother. I'm sure that his relationships with other people will also become smoother and more harmonious now that he's untied the knot in his heart towards his father. Conclusion I once heard a person say, "The happiest thing in my life is that I can go home and shout, 'Mom! I'm home!' And then hear my mom shouting back, 'Oh, welcome home!'" Back then, I couldn't understand this person. But after a few years of studying and practicing Traditional Chinese Culture, I can understand him more. This is the type of joy that money cannot buy. It comes from within and doesn't bring a low afterwards. Once we recover that innate love and trust towards parents, our heart will feel much lighter, at ease, and joyful. This will then spill over to all our other relationships. Do you still have that innate love with your parents? If so, you are one of the lucky ones, and I hope you will maintain it. If not, don't fret. It's common, and we have the power to start recovering it today. Weekly Wisdom #295 P.S. For more on this topic, check out these posts: The Under-Appreciated Heroes A Happy World Starts With My Happy Parents Family Is Not A Place For Blame The Greatest Goodness Notice People's Good Intentions

Recently, I attended a workshop on traditional Chinese culture, and the teacher talked about how nowadays, so many couples have conflict. He then said, "A harmonious marriage isn't complicated. All you need to do is blame yourself more and appreciate them more." In other words, conflict arises because we focus on other people's faults. There are two simple ways to solve this problem. One is to blame ourselves more. Two is to appreciate them more. This isn't just useful for marriage, but for all relationships. Icon Source: 1, 2, 3 First, let's talk about blaming ourselves more. If you think about it, no problem is ever 100% one person's fault. It takes two to argue. Even if they are more at fault, if we start criticizing their 80% fault, what will they do? Naturally, they'll get defensive and criticize our 20% fault. This is natural human sentiment. Least to say that from their perspective, they probably think that we are 80% at fault and they are only 20%. Moreover, chances are that we have the same faults as them, as well as many other faults. If someone criticizes us, but they have the same faults (even if to a lesser degree) and many others, what would we think? "You're not much better than me. You have no right to criticize me." This is also natural human sentiment. But if we apologize for our 20% fault first, if we soften up first, then they will soften up and apologize for their 80%. After all, everyone has a sense of shame. When people see a virtuous example over and over again, eventually, their sense of shame will arise, and they will change for the better. When we take all the blame, they will feel that's not fair to us, and they will take part of the blame too. Also, if we can humbly accept their criticism, then they will also become willing to accept our criticisms too. This is natural human sentiment and also karma. Second is to appreciate them more. If our mind is always holding thoughts of how they offended us or how they are wrong, then whenever we see them, we will be unhappy and treat them negatively. This, of course, will harm the relationship. If we instead fill our mind with thoughts of their contributions, kindness, effort, and good points, then we will start to view them in a positive light, and we will naturally be kind and harmonious towards them. Try this out: when you hold a thought of gratitude towards someone, can you feel angry or upset at them? You'll notice that when you're feeling grateful, you can't feel negative emotions at the same time. Thus, if we want to feel happy and give the other person positive energy, which then influences them to feel happier and give us positive energy in return, we should strengthen our "gratitude muscle." For example, we can write down things we are grateful for towards the other person (and daily life in general) every day in a journal. Some people say, "They were so caring and loving at the beginning of our relationship. But then they changed and became unappreciative and uncaring towards me." Again, this is focusing on others' faults. We can ask ourselves, "What is my part of the blame?" Chances are, they aren't the only person that become less appreciative and loving; we are probably the same. If we didn't became less appreciative and loving, if we didn't become demanding or controlling, then they probably wouldn't be like this today. If we have the same problem as them, then we don’t have any right to blame them or demand them to be better. We have to lead by example. We need to start showing more appreciation and kindness to them again, and then they will feel like they should do the same to us. This is natural human sentiment and karma. The difference between conflict and harmony lies in one thought. Is your thought one of blaming others or blaming yourself? Is your thought of appreciating others or demanding others? Weekly Wisdom #294

"Difficulties show a person's character." –Epictetus Commentary If we want to know a person or ourselves deeply, one way is to observe how they or we respond to difficulty, challenges, setbacks, failures, stress, and conflicts. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 However, our energy should be spent on demanding ourselves to be better, not others. If we demand others, that will create conflict. Besides, if we can't even understand our own mind, how can we understand the mind of others? Thus, this quote is about understanding ourselves first, then others. It's also about demanding ourselves, not others, to be better in the face of difficulties. It's easy to be kind and polite when we're in a good mood and have a lot. But how do we treat others when we're stressed, tired, sick, uncomfortable, or don't have a lot to give? I heard a story of a prince who treated his servants rather impatiently and unkindly because he was sick and in pain. The king told him, "Your servants have a much tougher life than you. When you're ill, you have all these people attending to you. When they are ill, they might not have anyone to attend to them, nor can they afford the best medicine. You shouldn't give them a bad attitude. That's really unfair and unkind of you." When I grew large canker sores in my mouth before, making it painful to eat or speak, I worked hard to keep a patient and kind attitude towards others. After all, it's not fair to them if I treat them with a bad attitude; my pain has nothing to do with them. I was fairly successful, and I was quite pleased with my improvement in character. Recently, I was really busy preparing for a big presentation. I slept for 5-6 hours for nearly a week because I was so busy. One time during a meal, someone said to me, "Is everything alright? You don't look happy these days." I was kind of surprised because I wasn't unhappy at all. In fact, I really enjoyed the research I was doing for my big presentation. I then realized it must be because I look really tired and serious during meals. I then realized how much my cultivation is still lacking. I've been practicing "think of others with your every thought" for a few months, and that includes not giving others negative energy or making others worry. It's fine for me to be really tired temporarily because the sacrifice is worth it, but in the process, I need to be more cognizant of the energy I'm giving others. No matter how tired I am, surely I can still greet others with a smile and ask them how they are doing. The problem was that I was absent-minded due to always thinking about my presentation. Being overly attached to anything, even if it's a "good" or "important" thing, will create problems. Thanks to that difficult experience, I realized my deficiency in cultivation. I'm sure I will encounter more difficulties in the future, and I hope I will learn from this experience and do better next time! Weekly Wisdom #293

"Nobody Does Wrong Willingly." –Socrates Icon Source Commentary We all try to do what we think is right. No one thinks, "I just want to be a stupid person and do wrong things." YET, a lot of us will jump to conclusions and criticize others as if they are stupid or intentionally wanted to do wrong. So before we criticize others, we should ask ourselves, "Why might they think what they are doing is right?" For example, I have a classmate who seems to be overly attached to her studies and can be rather unfriendly sometimes. When she's in our classroom, the other classmates are scared to chat. When we have extracurricular activities, she almost never comes. At first, I was a bit judgmental towards her, thinking that all she cares about is her grades and that she doesn’t value her relationships with classmates enough. But one time, I had a chat with her, and she mentioned in passing that she has so much pressure here because there are so many expectations from her parents and teachers, and she wants to be worthy of receiving all the tuition money that her parents and other donors provided her. Suddenly, I saw her in a different light. She has a great sense of responsibility. She isn't being unfriendly because she is an unfriendly person. Rather, she just has too much stress, but she definitely has her reasons for doing what she does. But even though she has her reasons, I still have a moral responsibility to advise her against doing things that might harm her future success or happiness. Hence, I praised her for her sense of responsibility, and then I reminded her that aside from her studies, it's really important to build good relationships with others. After all, most of our future success in life is not dependent on how good our grades were in school, but rather on our interpersonal skills and relationships. Moreover, having good relationships with classmates will make us happier, and we can all help each other out in times of need. When I advised her from a place of care and consideration, she was much more receptive. There is another situation when people know that what they are doing is wrong, but they can't help it. Usually it's a bad habit or some kind of health condition. Again, we really should be more understanding and less critical. For example, my roommate this year almost never wakes up to attend the morning meditation at 5:40AM. At first, I was kind of critical, thinking that he's just being lazy, or that he just doesn't respect the school enough, because if he really respected the school, he would sleep earlier and wake up on time for class. But later, another classmate told me, "He's too much. Last year, before you arrived here, we would have some school outings on Wednesday mornings instead of the morning class. He told us to wake him up. We'd go wake him up, but he wouldn't wake up. Then later, he says, 'Did you guys wake me up? I wanted to go on the outing!'" The classmate then said, "I really do want to wake up! I just can't help it." I've also told this classmate to just try sleeping earlier and to not shower so late at night. But he said that he just can't fall asleep, and that he's used to showering at night, otherwise he doesn't feel like lying on the bed. Anyone who has really tried to change a habit knows how hard it is, so we shouldn't be so demanding and impatient towards others. Later, he decided to make up for the missed morning meditation during the afternoon. This wasn't forced by the teacher; he raised this idea himself because he felt bad for always missing the morning class. This is proof of Mencius' view that human nature is good: people know what is moral and not, and they feel ashamed when doing immoral things. When our school year finished, and everyone was leaving, there was one day where three classmates left at 5:30AM, 7:00AM, and 8:00AM respectively. The night before, he told me, "Please wake me up tomorrow. I want to see them off." The next day, I woke him up three times. Each time, he was really tired, but he forced himself up to say goodbye to his classmates. We were all quite touched by his efforts. From these two experiences, I got a deeper impression that everyone is really trying their best to do what they think is right, and I should try to understand others' difficulties rather than judge them from my limited and biased perspective. With this belief, we will view others in a better light, and we will have better, more harmonious and happier relationships.

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” —Marcus Aurelius Image Source: Wix AI My Recent Experience In the upcoming few weeks, I will be attending an intensive workshop on sinology (traditional Chinese culture), and I will not have access to my phone or computer except for on Saturdays (the organizers want us to fully focus on the workshop). Shortly after that workshop, I have another intensive workshop for another month. Therefore, in these upcoming two months or so, I don't have the amount of time as I usually do to write my weekly posts. At first, I was a little frustrated at the situation because I made a promise to myself and everyone that I would put out a good quality blog post every week. But ancient philosophers, like Marcus Aurelius, all teach that the problem is never the outside circumstances, it's our attitude towards the outside circumstances. If we can reframe the situation, then we can convert the "obstacle" into a path for advancing our goals. Another analogy that Laozi uses is water: when water encounters rock, it simply flows around it and continues towards its destination. Thus, I asked myself, "How can I still put out a good quality post every week despite my limited prep time?" I then remembered that many years ago, when I first started the Weekly Wisdom Blog, I experimented with a short-form format called "Wisdom Quotes." Basically, I just post a wise quote and give a short commentary. I went back and read some of them, and I feel like these are really useful and short reminders. Examples include: You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want? Popularity is when other people like you. Happiness is when you like yourself. More can be found here. Indeed, short-form has short-form's benefits, and long-form has long-form's benefits. I've mostly leaned towards long-form because I think many of us "know" and have heard these teachings over and over again, but what's missing is that thorough discussion that makes these lessons really stick in our mind. But short-form is really easy and accessible to read, and sometimes all we really need is that reminder. So given my situation, I will write short "Wisdom Quote" format posts over the next couple of months. If you have any feedback, suggestions, or ideas, feel free to share in the comments. And whatever obstacle you are facing now, ask yourself, "How can I use this obstacle to advance my goal?" Weekly Wisdom #291

The importance of humility, stories of humility, and my experience with humility. Have you ever met someone who is full of themselves, who thinks that they are always right and everyone needs to listen to them? If yes, you can probably agree that no one wants to interact with an arrogant person. On the other hand, when we meet a person who is extremely humble, who wants to learn and improve themselves, we naturally want to help them. That's why the Chinese Book of History said, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." (Original text: 满招损，谦受益。) Image Source In the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons, Liao Fan explains: "A humble person receives support and trust from the general public. If a person understands the virtue of humility, he is the person who also understands the importance of constant self-improvement. This constant self-improvement not only includes the search for higher knowledge, but also encompasses the need to be more humane, better performance in daily duties, and improved communication with friends." Liao Fan praised a person for his humility, noting that this person is Respectful Tolerant Never tries to come in first Does not talk back when insulted or slandered He predicted that this person would achieve great success due to his humility, and indeed, that person later attained wealth and prosperity as a government official. Although we might not be 100% arrogant, we probably aren't 100% humble either. So how can we improve our humility? The Guide to Happy Life gives many concrete examples: When my parents (or anyone) call me, I should respond promptly. When my parents (or anyone) criticizes me, I should listen respectfully without arguing. When I see other people’s good points, I will learn from their goodness. When I see other people’s bad points, I will reflect on myself. If I have the same vice, I will fix it. If not, I will guard against it. Be happy when hearing criticism and afraid when hearing praise. Then good people will come and bad people will leave. Use spare time to study virtuous books. Whatever I learn, I must apply in my life. Do not be harsh on myself nor give up on myself. With dedication and training, I too can become a virtuous and noble person! Story: Emperor Yao's Humility Once, Emperor Yao was walking through his kingdom, when he saw two people being arrested by the police. The Emperor asked what happened. The police told him these two villagers are being arrested for stealing food. Image Source The Emperor then asked the two villagers, “Why did you steal food?” The villagers told him, “There hasn’t been rain for a long time, so our crops died, and we have nothing to eat.” After hearing this, the Emperor told the police to let the two villagers go and to arrest him instead. The police were baffled and asked, “But you’re the Emperor! On what grounds can we arrest you?” Emperor Yao replied, “It’s my fault for not teaching my citizens well. That’s why they resorted to stealing. Furthermore, my lack of virtues is related to this long drought. I have not done a good job as Emperor.” As soon as the Emperor finished speaking, the sky turned grey, and rainfall came shortly after. Another Story: Emperor Tang's Humility Another role model of how humility brings fortune is Emperor Tang Taizong, who is considered one of the greatest emperors in Chinese history. If Emperor Tang was wrongfully criticized, he still accepted the criticism with respect and said it was his fault. When others asked him why he didn't correct the criticizer, he said, "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to criticize me in the future." Image Source Emperor Tang wasn't perfect; he still got upset at hearing criticism sometimes, but he always corrected himself. He had a great advisor named Wei Zheng, who was known for providing the Emperor with straightforward and constructive feedback. One time, Emperor Tang returned from a cabinet meeting and angrily told his wife, "Sooner or later I will kill that Wei Zheng! He always contradicts me and embarrasses me in front of everyone!" Upon hearing this, the Empress said, "A subject is only willing to present his honest opinion when the Emperor is wise and open-minded. I would like to congratulate your majesty for having a cabinet member who is not afraid to contradict you, because it is proof of your open-mindedness!" Emperor Tang immediately calmed down and thought of Wei Zheng's integrity and moral character. He later said, "A lot of people think Wei Zheng is a direct and tactless man, but I think those are his very charms." When Wei Zheng passed away, Emperor Tang burst into tears at his funeral. He famously said, "Put a slab of copper as a mirror before me, and I can straighten my robe. Put history as a mirror before me, and I can identify the alarming signs of rise and fall in a dynasty. Have a man as a mirror who reflects my flaws, and I can rectify my mistakes. I constantly keep these three mirrors to prevent me from making mistakes. Now that Wei Zheng has passed away, I have lost a mirror!” Emperor Tang also urged the people around him to be humble and to seek others' criticisms. He told his ministers, "If you can't accept criticism yourself, how can you criticize others?" One time, Emperor Tang saw his son lazily lying under the shade of a tree. He walked up to his son and told him, “A tree often doesn’t grow perfectly straight, but a carpenter can turn it into a straight log strong enough to support a building. A monarch who grows up in a palace cannot know everything and will certainly make mistakes. Only by modestly listening to the advice of his ministers can he correct and straighten himself up and become a worthy emperor.” Heeding his father's advice and learning from his father's example, the son later achieved even greater success as Emperor. A Cautionary Tale: The Blind Men and The Elephant A group of blind men were brought to inspect an elephant, and each man touched a different part of the elephant. The first man, who ran his hands along the elephant’s trunk, said “the elephant is like a thick snake.” The second man, who felt the ear, said the “No, the elephant resembles a big fan.” The third man, who touched a leg, said “No, the elephant is like a pillar.” The fourth man, who patted the elephant’s side, said “The elephant is clearly like a wall.” The fifth man, who touched a tusk, said “I’m certain the elephant is like a spear.” The last man, who felt the elephant’s tail, said “You’re all wrong. The elephant is just like a rope.” Image Source Unable to come to an agreement, the men continued to argue and defend themselves, eventually even coming to physical blows. My Experience with Humility Humility is a virtue that speaks dearly to me because arrogance is probably my biggest vice. Previously, I spend many months reading The Guide to Happy Life every day to remind myself to practice the five virtues. When my parents (or anyone) call me, I should respond promptly. In the past, I often did not respond to my parents' calls right away because I was busy doing work. That means subconsciously, I view myself as higher than them, which is really quite disrespectful. Now, I am much more conscious of answering them right away. I also make sure to reply promptly even if it is a simple "Thank you for the email. I got it." Learn from people's good points. Self-reflect on people's bad points. Listen to criticism without arguing. I like to find the good points of others and learn from their role modeling. I don't do a good enough job reflecting others' bad points on myself. Instead, I complain a lot. For example, I complain that my mother complains about me a lot. But if I were truly humble, I would first fix my own complaining problem rather than viewing the problem to be solely my mother's. Also, if she complains about me a lot, surely I must be doing something wrong. When I decided to be humble and patiently listen to her criticisms and reasons for worry, I realized her criticisms come from her worry, and her worry come from my lack of communication with her. She felt like I didn't care about her, and she worried that I would neglect my health, so naturally in that emotional state, she would start complaining about me. Being arrogant and defensive only made things worse. Being humble and caring solved the conflict. Use spare time to study virtuous books. Whatever I learn, I must apply in my life. I used to spend my free time on entertainment like video games and anime, but about a year ago I decided to avoid negative influences and only accumulate virtuous influences. So I started dedicating 100% of my free time towards learning and writing. Although I had withdrawal symptoms for the first couple of months, I persisted. My life has gotten a lot happier and better since then, and it is one of the best decisions I have made! I also make sure I apply what I learn in my life, otherwise there is no point in learning it. That's why my articles always usually have a "My Experience" section. Conclusion A humble person is respectful, tolerant, never tries to come in first, does not talk back when insulted or slandered, and always seeks to improve oneself. Hence, humility brings us benefit, while arrogance brings us harm. As D.L. Moody said, "Be humble, or you'll stumble." How can you improve your humility in your daily life? Weekly Wisdom #171 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

During the Spring and Autumn period (7th-5th cent. BCE) of Chinese history, Duke Wen of Jin (697–628 BCE) was the ruler of the Jin state. Once, he led his army to takeover the state of Yuan. He told everybody that this would only take 10 days, so they only brought 10 days’ worth of supplies. But after 10 days, they still didn’t win. However, the takeover was eminent, and his subordinates reported that only three more days are needed, and they asked the Duke for his decision. Image Source (Let’s pause the story the here. If you were the Duke of Jin, what would you do? Would you persist for three more days and call for backup supplies, hoping that they arrive in time to support your army? Or would you abandon the takeover? After you’ve made your decision, keep reading.) The Duke said, “If we stay and persist, then even if we are successful in taking over the state of Yuan, I would have breached my promise. Who would trust me and believe in my words in the future?” Thus, he called off the takeover and retreated. Amazingly, the state of Yuan decided to voluntarily surrender and join the state of Jin. Moreover, when the state of Wei heard about this incident, they decided to join the state of Jin too. By prioritizing trustworthiness, the Duke of Jin not only won a war against one state, but gained the allegiance of two states! (Source: “Outer Congeries of Sayings, Upper Left Series” in Master Hanfei) Commentary Dr. Alan Zimmerman said, “Trust is a must, or your relationship will bust.” Confucius also said, “If a person doesn’t have trustworthiness, I don’t know what he can do.” (Original text: 人而無信，不知其可也。) Thus, trustworthiness is something we should all take seriously. If we have a reputation for trustworthiness, then it’s much easier and smoother for us to gain the help of others. If we have a reputation of being untrustworthy, then no one would want to cooperate with us or help us. But it’s important to make the distinction between trustworthiness and merely keeping one’s word. Keep one's word is important, and it's the basic level of trustworthiness. But there's a higher level, or rather a deeper level: A person who is trustworthy is someone who has good judgment and a loving heart. On the other hand, untrustworthy people have poor judgment and are selfish. For example, if we scheduled a dinner with a friend on a particular day, but on that day, there was a snow storm, such that it’s rather dangerous to drive to the restaurant, should we still go? It’s probably better to not go, and we should advise our friend to reschedule. After all, we don’t want to risk ourselves or our friend getting hurt in the snowstorm. If we instead persist in going to the restaurant, and even criticize our friend for not keeping his/her word, then that would hurt our trustworthiness because we clearly lack good judgment and consideration for others. In this story, the Duke of Jin chose to keep his word and retreat after 10 days. The moral of the story is not to always keep your word. It’s to take your trustworthiness seriously. We can presume that retreating was the most appropriate decision. Perhaps because the food supplies might not arrive in time, and his soldiers might have to starve for a day. Or perhaps his army’s morale wasn’t very high, and they’d much rather return home. Or perhaps he could retreat, prepare for a short while, then prepare another besiege and still win. The point is that he must have thought about the decision from a variety of angles and determined that retreating is the wisest thing to do. That’s what we need to learn when it comes to trustworthiness. When others feel that we are very thoughtful, careful, caring, and wise in our speech and decisions, they will naturally trust and support us. As for why the state of Yuan and the state Wei would voluntarily pledge allegiance to the state of Jin, that's probably because the Spring and Autumn period was a period of chaos, with different countries frequently at war. Nobody wants to live in a chaotic and scary world, so naturally, when they saw such a virtuous leader as the Duke of Jin, they felt a sense of hope, that maybe under this caring and trustworthy leader, they would be safe. So cultivating our trustworthiness not only benefits ourselves, it also comforts the people around us. Concluding Thoughts Do you have a good reputation of trustworthiness? How might you improve it? Weekly Wisdom #290

Have you ever wondered if human nature is good or bad? I certainly have. Icon Source From a broad perspective, we all wish to live in a good world, and that means a world full of good people. If human nature is good, then this ideal feels achievable. If human nature is bad, then it feels rather difficult, which decreases our motivation to create a better world. I also had a friend once lament about how some people are just terrible. It's because we see so much negative news about psychopaths, murderers, and terrorists, which makes us think that some people are just evil. This view not only makes us feel depressed and powerless, it also prevents any possibility of improvement. On a personal scale, we all just want to be happy, and how we view human nature influences our happiness. If we believe human nature is good, we will look for and grow the goodness in ourselves and others. If we think human nature is bad, then we will have a much more negative attitude in life. Given the significant implications of one's views on human nature, I was very motivated to learn about why the ancient philosopher Mencius argued that human nature is good and how he refuted other theories of human nature being bad or neutral. I discovered that this theory is very thorough, convincing, and practical, and I will share my learnings in this article, split into five sections: Why Mencius says human nature is good How Mencius explains "bad" people How Mencius refutes other theories How to grow our goodness Summary of Mencius's theory Significance and Implications I will cite a lot of quotes from the book Mencius because I think it's important that we get the original message from Mencius. The original book is in Chinese, so I will use the English translation by sinologist Irene Bloom in her 2009 book. Since I am assuming most readers don't know Chinese, I won't bother putting the original Chinese text. If you are interested in the Chinese text, you can easily find it using the book and chapter numbers I provided. Without further ado, let's get started! 1. Why Mencius Says Human Nature Is Good If you were suddenly to see a child about to fall into a well, how would you feel? Icon Sources: 1, 2 This is the famous and classic argument used by Mencius is this thought experiment from Book 2A Chapter 6: “Here is why I say that all human beings have a mind that commiserates with others. Now, if anyone were suddenly to see a child about to fall into a well, his mind would be filled with alarm, distress, pity, and compassion. That he would react accordingly is not because he would hope to use the opportunity to ingratiate himself with the child’s parents, nor because he would seek commendation from neighbors and friends, nor because he would hate the adverse reputation [that could come from not reacting accordingly]. From this it may be seen that one who lacks a mind that feels pity and compassion would not be human; one who lacks a mind that feels shame and aversion would not be human; one who lacks a mind that feels modesty and compliance would not be human; and one who lacks a mind that knows right and wrong would not be human. The mind’s feeling of pity and compassion is the sprout of humaneness [ren 仁]; the mind’s feeling of shame and aversion is the sprout of rightness [yi 義]; the mind’s feeling of modesty and compliance is the sprout of propriety [li 禮]; and the mind’s sense of right and wrong is the sprout of wisdom [zhi 智]. Human beings have these four sprouts just as they have four limbs… When we know how to enlarge and bring to fulfillment these four sprouts that are within us, it will be like a fire beginning to burn or a spring finding an outlet. If one is able to bring them to fulfillment, they will be sufficient to enable him to protect ‘all within the four seas’; if one is not, they will be insufficient even to enable him to serve his parents.” (Trans. Bloom, p.35. All bolding is by me.) From this excerpt, we can see that Mencius defines "goodness" as the four sprouts: the natural feelings of compassion, modesty, right and wrong, and shame when doing wrong. All people have these innate, natural feelings. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 When we suddenly see a child about to fall into a well, we don't stop to analyze the pros and cons of saving the child. We just naturally have this feeling of care for the child. A renowned British sinologist, D.C. Lau, comments: “Mencius’ purpose was only to show that men have the natural motives to do good; he did not want to exaggerate the strength of such motives. It is worth noticing that Mencius does not say that this feeling of apprehension and pity would necessarily lead to any action at all. This serves to show that this feeling is only literally a ‘beginning’, which needs cultivation before it can become a strong motive force.” (Souce: Lau's 1953 paper, Theories of Human Nature in Mencius and Shyuntzyy). Some people might also wonder, "Why did Mencius only mention the feeling of compassion in the well example? What about the other three sprouts?" One of the key commentaries to the book Mencius is called Correct Meaning of The Mencius, and it comments that the four sprouts are all interconnected. If we have one of the sprouts, we naturally have all four. I then thought about this child and well experiment further. If I saw a child in distress and didn't save the child, I would naturally feel emotional anguish. Why? Because deep in my conscience, I have a sense of right and wrong. I know that not trying to save the child is morally wrong, so I would feel bad and ashamed. Assuming I did save the child, and then later the child's parents thank me, and the villagers praise me, I wouldn't boast about it. I'd have a natural sense of modesty and say that I was just doing what any person should do. There's nothing spectacular about me trying to save a child in danger. After I extended this thought experiment, I was convinced that these four sprouts are indeed connected. In summary, Mencius argues that human nature is good because all people have the four sprouts, which are natural feelings of morality that are not obtained from the outside. However, these four sprouts are just a beginning, and we need to nurture and grow them for them to become a strong motive force. If we do so, we can truly serve and benefit the world. If we neglect our four sprouts, we can't even make our parents happy (which is quite a shameful thing given how much parents sacrifice for children.) 2. How Mencius Explains "Bad" People Mencius has two main explanations for "bad" people. The first one comes from Book 6A Chapter 7: "In years of abundance, most of the young people have the wherewithal to be good, while in years of adversity, most of them become violent. This is not a matter of a difference in the native capacities sent down by Heaven but rather of what overwhelms their minds." (Trans. Bloom, p. 125) In other words, people who do bad or immoral things know deep down in their inner conscience that this is not morally good, but they will justify their actions to convince themselves that what they are doing is acceptable. For example, people know that it's morally wrong to steal, but if they truly have no other choice due to difficult circumstances, then they will steal. Mencius does not define good or bad in terms of people's actions, but rather in their four sprouts. If we want to disprove Mencius's theory, we need to find evidence of people who are just pure evil, who do evil things without any sense of conscience. In the movies, we often see some villains who are just pure evil. They want to takeover the world just because.  But in real life, no one is born pure evil. People all have reasons for what they do. In that sense, people all have a sense of right and wrong, and thus people can be reasoned with. Besides, all the best villains are those with a good backstory because their backstory is what makes them relatable and explains why they became a villain. The second reason for "bad" people is mentioned in Book 3A Chapter 4: "It is the way of human beings that when they have sufficient food, warm clothing, and comfortable dwellings, but are without education, they become little more than birds and beasts. It was the part of the sage [Shun] to grieve anxiously over this. He appointed Xie minister of education in order to teach people about human relations: that between parents and children there is affection; between ruler and minister, rightness; between husband and wife, separate functions; between older and younger, proper order; and between friends, faithfulness." (Trans. Bloom, p. 56) In other words, people might become "bad" due to a lack of moral education or due to bad education. When Mencius says people can become similar to birds and beasts, he means that people don't have a sense of moral appropriateness. For example, they are ungrateful to their parents who sacrificed so much for them, they have no sense of etiquette, and they only care about themselves and are insensitive to others' feelings. However, people won't be the same as animals because humans have the four sprouts, and if given proper education and good role models, their sprouts will awaken and grow. The Correct Meaning Of The Mencius also says that although all humans are the same in that their nature is good, they differ in terms of their intelligence. Those of high intelligence are easily able to grow their innate goodness, while those of low intelligence have a harder time. Thus, some people respond very quickly and well to moral education, while others need more time and effort. In Book 5A Chapter 2, Mencius also gives us an example of a "bad" person named Xiang. The original text translation is a bit cumbersome to read, so I will summarize the story using modern day English. Basically, Xiang is the younger stepbrother of the sage king Shun. Shun is extremely virtuous, but Xiang, his stepmother, and his father are terribly immoral and often try to kill Shun simply because they don't like him. One time, Shun's father asked him to fix the roof of a granary. After Shun climbed up the ladder and started working, Xiang and his father removed the ladder and set the granary ablaze. However, Shun managed to escape to safety. Another time, Shun's father asked Shun to dig a well. When Shun dug deep enough, Xiang and his father started to bury Shun alive. Shun escaped without their knowledge. Xiang thought Shun was dead, so he said to his parents, "It was my genius planning that succeeded in getting rid of Shun! You can have Shun's oxen, sheep and granaries. I'm taking Shun's weapons and two wives!" Xiang then went to Shun's room, opened the door, and was shocked to see Shun still alive, playing the lute on the couch. He had to make up a quick excuse for coming to see Shun, so he said, "Oh my lord, I was concerned for you!" When saying this, he had an awkward and embarrassed look on his face. From this story, we can see that even someone "wicked" like Xiang has a conscience. He wasn't born an evil murderer. He was taught at a young age by his stepmother to dislike Shun, and that bad education and environment accumulated over time to result in the person that he is. But when his immoral actions were discovered, he felt a sense of shame and embarrassment. That's his sprout of shame and of right and wrong. So even Xiang's nature is good. In a 2003 article titled "The Debate on Human Nature in Early Confucian Literature", Maurizio Scarpari, an Italian sinologist, comments that Mencius never used the term "evil" or "wickedness" to describe people, only "not good". Therefore, Mencius explains "bad" people as a "failure" or "inability" to develop one's own potential. But as mentioned before, if these people receive moral education, their sprouts of goodness can definitely grow. 3. How Mencius Refutes Other Theories Now that we've seen why Mencius says human nature is good and how he explains bad people, we are probably curious as to how Mencius refutes other theories of human nature. The book Mencius recorded many debates of Mencius with other philosophers who had opposing views, and these debates are quite interesting and show the depth and thoroughness of Mencius's theory. Book 6A Chapter 1 records: "Gaozi said, 'Human nature is like the willow tree; rightness is like cups and bowls. To make humaneness and rightness out of human nature is like making cups and bowls out of the willow tree.' Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Mencius said, 'Are you able to make cups and bowls while following the nature of the willow tree? You must do violence to the willow tree before you can make cups and bowls. If you must do violence to the willow tree in order to make cups and bowls, must you also do violence to human beings in order to bring forth humaneness and rightness? The effect of your words will be to cause everyone in the world to think of humaneness and rightness as misfortunes.'" (Trans. Bloom, p. 121) We can think of humaneness and rightness as two representative virtues of morality. Gaozi is saying that morality is not innate to human nature, but rather comes from the outside, just like cups and bowls are not innate to a tree but requires an external force. Mencius chastised the inappropriateness of this analogy because it implies that we somehow have to harm people's original nature to make them good. A sinologist named Liang Qichao comments that from the perspective of causality, we can say that the tree is the cause (analogous to a seed), while the craftsman's efforts are the conditions (analogous to sunlight, water, and soil), and the cups and bowls are the result (analogous to the fruit). The cup's cause is the wood, not the craftsman's efforts, so morality still comes from the nature of humans. If the seed is not there to begin with, or if human nature didn't have morality to begin with, then no amount of helping conditions would bring out the result of morality. Book 6A Chapter 2 also records: "Gaozi said, 'Human nature is like swirling water. Open a passage for it in the east, and it will flow east; open a passage for it in the west, and it will flow west. Human nature does not distinguish between good and not-good any more than water distinguishes between east and west.' Mencius said, 'It is true that water does not distinguish between east and west, but does it fail to distinguish between up and down? The goodness of human nature is like the downward course of water. There is no human being lacking in the tendency to do good, just as there is no water lacking in the tendency to flow downward. Now, by striking water and splashing it, you may cause it to go over your head, and by damming and channeling it, you can force it to flow uphill. But is this the nature of water? It is force that makes this happen. While people can be made to do what is not good, what happens to their nature is like this.” (Trans. Bloom, p. 121) Let's look at one more example from Book 6A Chapter 6, where a student of Mencius named Gongduzi asked: "Gaozi said that human nature is neither good nor not-good. Others say that human nature can be made to be good or not-good, which is why, during the reigns of Kings Wen and Wu [benevolent sage kings], the people were inclined to goodness, whereas under the reigns of You and Li [tyrant kings], the people were inclined to violence. Still others say that the natures of some are good and the natures of others are not good, which is why, when Yao [a benevolent sage king] was the ruler, there could be Xiang [the terrible younger brother of Shun], while, with a father like Gusou, there could be Shun [a benevolent sage king], and with Zhou [a tyrant king of the Shang dynasty] as the son of their older brother as well as their ruler, there could be Qi, the Viscount of Wei, and Prince Bigan (three benevolent ministers under King Zhou of Shang]. Now, you say that human nature is good. Does this mean that these others are all wrong?" (Trans. Bloom, p. 123) In this question, Gongduzi raised three perspectives of human nature: Human nature is neither good or bad. Human nature is neutral but can be changed into good or not-good. The nature of some people is good, while the nature of others is bad. Mencius replied: "Following one’s natural tendencies enable one to do good; this is what I mean by human nature being good. When one does what is not good, it is not the fault of one’s native capacities …Humaneness, rightness, propriety, and wisdom are not infused into us from outside. We definitely possess them. It is just that we do not think about it, that is all. Therefore it is said, 'Seek and you will get it; let go and you will lose it.' That some differ from others by as much as twice, or five times, or an incalculable order of magnitude is because there are those who are unable fully to develop their capacities." (Trans. Bloom, p. 124, with modifications) As mentioned before, Mencius believes that all people possess the four sprouts of goodness (here referred to as "natural tendencies"), thus all people's nature is innately good. Those who do bad things don't lack the sprouts of goodness, they simply chose to ignore their inner sense of morality. Now that we've seen how Mencius defended his theory against other theories, lastly, let's look at how Mencius recommends us to grow our innate goodness. 4. How To Grow Our Goodness First, it's worth mentioning why we should grow our goodness. On a personal scale, growing our goodness is pleasurable. In Book 6A Chapter 7, Mencius says: "What is it that our minds have in common? It is reason and rightness. The sage is just the first to apprehend what our minds have in common. Thus reason and rightness please our minds in the same way that food pleases our mouths.” (Trans. Bloom, p. 126, with modifications) Here, "reason and rightness" can be thought of as morality. When we always act in accordance with our conscience, or our inner sense of right or wrong, then we will always have peace of mind and an easy conscience. This is a very joyful way to live. If we make up excuses to justify immoral behavior, deep down we know that we're just making excuses, and we won't have an easy conscience, which drains our energy. On a macro scale, growing our goodness benefits the world. After all, a meaningful life isn't just about personal pleasure, it's about leaving a positive impact on the world around us. The first quote mentioned before from Book 2A Chapter 6 said: "When we know how to enlarge and bring to fulfillment these four sprouts that are within us, it will be like a fire beginning to burn or a spring finding an outlet. If one is able to bring them to fulfillment, they will be sufficient to enable him to protect ‘all within the four seas’; if one is not, they will be insufficient even to enable him to serve his parents." (Trans. Bloom, p.35) Given the importance of growing our goodness for ourselves and for the world, how did Mencius guide us to grow our goodness? The earlier passage from Book 6A Chapter 6 mentioned: "Seek and you will get it; let go and you will lose it." (Trans. Bloom, p. 124) In other words, we have to want to grow our inner goodness. That means paying attention to our four sprouts, preserving them in our minds, and acting in accordance with them. For example, if we see a child in danger and feel apprehension, act in accordance with that sprout of compassion and go save the child. If we do something bad and feel uneasy, act in accordance with that sense of shame and turn over a new leaf. Also, Book 7A Chapter 15 says: “What people are able to do without having learned it is an expression of original, good ability. What they know without having to think about it is an expression of original, good knowledge. There are no young children who do not know enough to love their parents, and there are none who, as they grow older, do not know enough to respect their older brothers. To be affectionate toward those close to one—this is humaneness. To have respect for elders—this is rightness. All that remains is to extend these to the entire world.” (Trans. Bloom, p. 147) Here, Mencius gave us a sequence for cultivation. First start by cultivating our love and respect to those closest to us, which is our family, and then gradually extend that love and respect outwards towards relationships outside the family, until eventually, we love and respect all people in the world. 5. Summary of Mencius' Theory That was a lot of information, so let's do a brief summary of Mencius' theory on human nature: Human nature is good in that every person has the four sprouts. These are the natural feelings of compassion, of modesty, of right and wrong, and of shame when doing wrong, and they are not obtained from the outside or via thinking. People do bad things because of environmental influences and a lack of moral education, but their four sprouts of goodness will always be there and can be drawn out through virtuous examples and education. These sprouts of goodness need nurturing to become a strong motive force, and doing so gives us peace of mind and an easy conscience. We can nurture the four sprouts by paying attention to them, holding onto them in our mind, acting on them, and undergoing moral education. In terms of sequence, we should start by cultivating our sense of love and respect towards the people closest to us first (parents and siblings), then extend outwards towards the rest of the world. 6. Significance of Mencius' Theory As briefly mentioned in the introduction, Mencius' theory has significant implications for our happiness, specifically from the perspectives of self-esteem and of relationships. Self-Esteem Firstly, the way we think about ourselves influences our sense of self-esteem, which is basically how we think about ourselves. A 2017 study on self-esteem states: “It is concluded that self-esteem and performance are related with each other, self-esteem is highly correlated with happiness, life satisfaction and well-being.” A lot of people have low self-esteem because they focus on things like outer appearance, wealth, grades, results, and so on. But Mencius taught us that these aren’t the standards for goodness. We should instead evaluate ourselves on our ability to preserve and nurture our four sprouts, which everyone has. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 When we believe in our inner goodness, we will think more positively about ourselves. Then, we would be happier, more satisfied, and more successful in life. Relationships Secondly, our beliefs impact our relationships, which is one of the most important factors to our happiness. Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest study on happiness, and the director Robert Waldinger said, "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80." In psychology, there is a term called "confirmation bias", which basically means that people tend to only look for information that confirms their pre-existing beliefs. In other words, if we believe human nature is good, we will look for the good in others, we can notice the four sprouts in others; as a result, we will treat others more positively, resulting in better relationships. Conversely, if we think the other person is "just bad", then we would pay attention to the bad in others, and that causes us to treat them negatively, which makes them return negativity towards us, ultimately damaging the relationship. For example, when others do something bad, if we believe that they are "just a bad person", then we will criticize them harshly. As a result, they feel bad and argue back, and it becomes an exchange of pain and hurt. But if we believe human nature is good, and that people do bad things due to difficult circumstances or due to a lack of virtuous role models, then we wouldn't criticize them so harshly. Instead, we would try to set a virtuous role model for them to bring out their sense of shame. We could also calmly discuss with them what is morally right to do in the situation, not in a blaming way, but simply to help them notice their inner sense of morality. Thus, when we believe in their goodness, we will treat them with positive intentions, creating a more harmonious relationship. Based on the above reasons, we can see why our belief about human nature is so important. So if we ever doubt the goodness of ourselves or others, we can remind ourselves of Mencius’ teachings and grow the goodness in ourselves and others. Weekly Wisdom #289

Once upon a time, there was a couple who easily got angry at each other. They felt terrible after arguments, and they much rather preferred to have a harmonious relationship, but it's just so hard to not argue in the heat of the moment. One day, they decided to ask for help from the pastor at the local church. The pastor told them, "Anger is a difficult foe to overcome, but perhaps I can help. I will give you some holy water. Every time you feel angry and want to argue, drink a mouthful. However, the water needs ten minutes to take effect, so don't speak until ten minutes later." Image Source The couple thanked the pastor for his gift. The next time they got angry at each other and felt the urge to argue, they both drank a mouthful of the holy water and waited ten minutes. To their amazement, their anger was gone! They continued using the holy water for a while, until one day, it was all gone. They then went back to the pastor to ask for more holy water. The pastor said, "Actually, what I gave you was regular water." The couple was shocked and said, "Seriously? But our temper is terrible! How could normal water have such a magical effect?" The pastor said, "That's because of the ten minutes of silence, as well as your belief in the water's power. Anger is a difficult foe to overcome, but it's only as difficult as you believe it to be." Commentary Of all the negative emotions, anger is one of the most harmful and most difficult to overcome. Anyone who has really tried to fix their anger knows it's not easy. But it's important to believe in yourself, that you can definitely overcome it. The moment we lose faith in ourselves is the moment we give up. There are many different ways to extinguish and prevent anger, and I previously wrote about some in 10 Reasons We Get Angry and Their Solutions. This story gives another great method that is particularly useful in the heat of the moment, which is to exit the situation and take a break. Just as it's important to believe in ourselves, we also need to believe in the method we use. If we think the method won't be effective, then we won't try very sincerely, and then naturally, the method won't be very effective for us. In the book Emotional Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman gives a similar suggestion as the pastor in the story. He explains that when people argue, their heart rate increases, meaning the body is entering a fight or flight response. When our heart rate increases by more than 10 beats per minute, it's called "emotional flooding", and we've lost our sense of logic and harmony at this point. He suggests people to take a 20 minute break to allow the body to return to a normal state. Although 5 minutes may feel enough, the actual physiological recovery time needed is 20 minutes. From my experience, I realized that it's important to not keep thinking about the other person's wrong in our heads during the break. We should instead do other things and think about other things to help our mind and body calm down.  Once we calm down, we can view the situation much more logically and see things from their perspective. Understanding is probably the best medicine to anger. We get angry because we think they shouldn't be this way. But when we understand others and their situation, we realize that they should indeed be this way. What's there to be angry about then? Also, it's best if both people communicate beforehand that we should take a break if either person starts feeling angry. Otherwise, if you say, "I think we're starting to get angry; I want to take a break, " the other person might say, "No! I want to finish this talk first!" But if you didn't communicate beforehand, there is another solution, which is to say, "I really need to use the bathroom right now." Then go take a break and calm down in the bathroom. One more idea: During the break, try going to the local convenience store to buy a snack that the other person likes, and give that snack to them at the start of the next conversation. Oftentimes, we are angry because we think the other person doesn't care about us. When we give a gift to the other person, it shows that we do care about them, and they will soften up. Also, the act of giving a gift helps us to soften up. Of course, once the conversation gets going, we need to truly try to understand the other person rather than demanding others to understand us. If we put our energy on understanding others, other anger will naturally fade, and we won't even demand them to understand us anymore. Once they feel understood by us, they will be touched, and naturally they will want to understand us back. On the other hand, if we keep trying to explain ourselves because we want them to understand us first, then they will be frustrated because they want to be understood first too, and then the argument gets more and more heated. We can't control others, but we can control ourselves, and that ability is arguably one of the greatest gifts of life. Ultimately, there are many different ways to deal with anger, and this is just one of many. Although the methods are many, the heart/intention is one: kindness and unselfishness. As long as we preserve a kind intention, we will definitely think up a suitable method to maintain harmony. Weekly Wisdom #288