Once, a father and his son went to another village to purchase a donkey. They were walking back with their new donkey when a passerby commented, "What foolish people. They have a donkey, yet they are still walking!" The son then invited his father to ride the donkey. A short while later, some passersby commented, "What an unkind father, riding the donkey by himself while making his son walk!" Image Source The father then got off the donkey and told his son to ride it. They continued walking, when another passerby said, "What a rude child, riding the donkey by himself while making his father walk!" Image Source The father then got on the donkey with the son, and they both rode the donkey for a while. Soon, another passerby said, "What cruel people! The donkey is clearly overburdened. Poor donkey!" Image Source The father and son then got off the donkey and decided to carry the donkey. They arrived home shortly after, and everyone laughed at the sight of these two carrying a donkey. Image Source The village elder came and asked them why they were carrying a donkey. The father explained what had happened. The village elder said, "Those who seek to please everybody please nobody." Commentary This is a famous fable that has different versions, but the main message is always the same: If you try to please everyone, you'll please no one. However, I think there are other important lessons worth mentioning. 1: Intention matters more than action Oftentimes, there is no right or wrong action, only right or wrong intention. The book Liao Fan's Four Lessons explains this concept in detail: "To do things with the intention of benefiting others is good. To do things with the intention of only benefiting oneself is evil. If through methods such as beating or scolding, you've truly benefited others, then that is still goodness. If using methods such as showing respect and courtesy, you're only focused on self-benefit, then that is still evil. Therefore, when one does things solely to benefit others, that is selfless, and that is real goodness. If one acts to benefit oneself, then that is selfish, and that is false goodness. Moreover, when kindness arises from deep within one's heart, that is real goodness; if one does a good deed simply because others are doing it, that is false goodness. Furthermore, to do good deeds naturally without expecting anything in return is real goodness; to do good deeds with expectations of reward or certain outcomes is false goodness. These differences should all be carefully pondered." (Original text: 有益於人，是善；有益於己，是惡。有益於人，則毆人，詈人皆善也；有益於己，則敬人、禮人皆惡也。是故人之行善，利人者公，公則為真；利己者私，私則為假。又根心者真，襲跡者假；又無為而為者真，有為而為者假；皆當自考。) Unfortunately, people often judge themselves and others by visible actions instead of invisible intentions. That's why the father and son kept changing their behavior after each passerby's criticism. As for the passersby, they criticized without understanding the intentions of the father and son. If they had first understood that the father and son had good intentions, then instead of criticizing, they could praise the father's kindness and the son's respectfulness. People are all sensitive to other people's opinions, so we should try to positively interpret others' intentions and encourage others more. 2: Responding effectively to criticisms Although we need to be strict with ourselves to not criticize others unfairly, we need to accept the reality that there will always be people who misjudge us and criticize us without understanding our situation fully. We shouldn't be so surprised or upset when this happens; it's a normal part of life for every single person. When this happens, it's important for us to judge ourselves based on our intentions. Did I truly have truly good intentions? If so, then I can have peace of mind regardless of others' misjudgments. If someone inappropriately criticizes our behavior, we have two options. First, we could try to explain the intention or reason for doing what we are doing. But we have to make a judgment call about whether or not it is worth the effort to do this communication, and we should communicate in a calm and humble manner, not in a defensive manner. If the other person is rather important, then it is probably worth the effort to do this communication. Another option is simply to smile and thank them for their advice, while knowing in our hearts that we have sound reasoning for doing what we do. This is practicing humility and not sweating the small stuff. When others see us being able to accept others' criticisms humbly, they will be more willing to advise us in the future. Moreover, the person who misjudged us will probably learn the truth sooner or later, and when they do, they will feel ashamed for unfairly criticizing, and they will change their ways for the better. 3: What's appropriate or right for a situation is complex and fluid Ultimately, what is right or appropriate depends on the specifics of the situation at hand: If the father is tired and the son and donkey are not, then of course the father should ride the donkey. If the son is tired and the father and donkey are not, then of course the son should ride the donkey. If the father and son are not tired, but the donkey is, then of course neither of them should ride the donkey. If the father and son simply want to walk and get some exercise, then of course they should walk with the donkey. If none of them are tired, then none of them need to ride the donkey, but either one or both of them could ride the donkey. There isn't one "correct" answer. Who feels tired and who feels rested will change with time, so who should ride the donkey will also change as the situation changes. Thus, we cannot apply a universal rule about which action is right or which is wrong; we have to consider the specifics of the situation and the intention behind the action. When we understand how complex situations can be, we won't so easily judge others' behavior as right or wrong because there are probably many aspects to the situation that we don't know.  We also won't take other people's opinions too heavily since we know that there are many aspects of the situation that they don't understand. 4: Be thoughtful about whose opinions you care about If a key message of the story is "Those who seek to please everybody please nobody," then that begs the question, "Who should we try to please?" After all, someone who doesn't care about what anyone thinks would be rather selfish and inconsiderate, and no one would like such a person. But someone who cares about what everyone thinks becomes overly stressed and burns out. What is a suitable middle ground? We should care about the opinion of wise people who truly care for us and understand our situation. Generally speaking, parents have much more life experience than children, making them wiser than children, and parents also know their children very well and always want the best for their children, so we should care about our parents' opinions and advice. If you have the good fortune of having a mentor or good friend who is wise and caring, then their opinions are worth considering, and we should spend the time to communicate our situation with them and ask for their advice. I also imagine what ancient sages would think of me because ancient sages are extremely wise, and they wish to help all humans flourish. I can know what these ancient sages would think of me by reading their books and teachings. I explained this in detail in the article Upgrade Your Thinking, so I won't elaborate here. I know that if I follow the teachings of the ancient sages, not only would they be happy, but I would also make wise decisions, thereby improving my happiness and quality of life. Therefore, I think learning ancient philosophy (wisdom) is essential for having confidence in one's decisions and for a happy life. Conclusion There will always be people who like to comment and criticize without understanding first. Let's not be one of those people. When faced with such people, are we able to keep our peace of mind in the face of misjudgment? Are we able to have confidence in our good intentions and judgment? Are we able to respond in a humble and harmonious way? Although we shouldn't try to please everyone, do we know who we should please? Weekly Wisdom #286

"Ascending to Heaven is hard. Demanding others is even harder." —Chinese Idiom Think about all the things that upset, annoy, or worry you. Chances are, a significant amount are related to other people. Ancient philosophers teach that suffering comes from desire, and one of the most stubborn desires we have is demanding others to be a certain way. In other words, most of us have conditional love towards people: "If you behave the way I want you to behave, then I will treat you well; otherwise, I will be unhappy towards you." Of course, people often don't behave the way we want them to, which creates suffering for both sides. The key to more tranquility and happiness is not trying harder to change others, but rather in letting go of our demands and in cultivating compassion. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Letting go of demands doesn’t mean we become indifferent towards others; in fact, it is more effective at changing others. The core of "demands" is "what I want", so cultivating compassion is about letting go of "what I want" and "how I feel", which then gives us the mental space and energy to truly feel what other people need, what is truly best for them, and how to help them in a way that they would be receptive to. Some people might think, "If I always think about benefiting others and not myself, then wouldn't I lose out?" Actually, it's very worthwhile to be compassionate. How? Compassion benefits oneself first Compassion truly benefits others Compassion benefits oneself again when others benefit 1: Compassion benefits oneself first Everyone is working hard in life to simply be happy. Happiness is an emotional state. All emotions have energy, and when we feel high-energy emotions, our mind and body will feel comfortable and at ease. Conversely, low-energy emotions make us feel uncomfortable, tight, and stressed. Below is a chart from the book Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza showing the energy levels of different emotions. Source: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza From this chart, we can see that survival emotions, such as pain, fear, and anger have lower energy, while elevated emotions, like love, appreciation, and freedom have higher energy. Notice that survival emotions are related to self-protection, meaning the person is highly focused on I and me. But elevated emotions like love (or compassion), appreciation, and freedom all come from dampening the focus on I. Now, the big question is, how can we dampen our attachment to I? One way is to do loving-kindness meditation, where we think about someone that we have good wishes for, and then strengthen and broaden that feeling of compassion outwards towards more people. But it's not enough to just feel elevated during a meditation session; it's more important to maintain that state and train ourselves outside of meditation in daily life. Usually throughout the day, we habitually think about ourselves, making it hard to experience elevated emotions and easy to sink into survival emotions. One solution I learned from Venerable Jing Kong is to "think of benefiting others with every thought." By doing so, we divert our habitual focus on the self towards benefiting others. If you think about it, this technique is quite ingenious. If we just tell ourselves "don't think about myself, don't think about myself", it's quite hard. But by focusing on benefiting others, we naturally forget I. I think that's what Gandhi meant when he said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." When we've forgotten ourselves in the joy of serving others, we've found our ideal state of being. For every percent we dampen our attachment towards I, we gain one percent of elevated emotions, such as joy, love, gratitude, and freedom, which then motivates us to keep cultivating. Thus, regardless of who the other person is and what they do, when we bring out feelings of compassion towards others, we benefit first. 2: Compassion truly benefits others Sometimes, we want to help others, but we end up creating conflict and trouble. Why? Because our ego makes us overly focused on my views and my feelings, preventing us from truly understanding the views and feelings of the people we're trying to help. That's not compassion, that's demanding others to behave the way we want them to behave. Put in harsher terms, that's called "being a control freak". I don't think anyone likes being called a control freak, so when we feel upset at others for not behaving the way we want them to, we can remind ourselves, "Stop being a control freak!" As mentioned before, compassionate people are focused on serving others, and they really put in the energy to understand others, to think about what would truly benefit them, and to persuade in a manner that the recipient would be responsive to. This great compassion might sound a little idealistic, but actually, we've probably all witnessed it: parents' love for children approximates compassion. Regardless of how their children behave, parents are always thinking about how to help their children to be happy, healthy, and successful. And parents don't just think for their children's short-term but also long-term. When our level of compassion is not very high yet, we can cultivate by consciously setting aside our selfish desires and thinking about what would truly benefit others in the long-term. As we practice more, compassion will become more natural. Consider these examples: Should I give the person a fish or teach them how to fish? Our ego might like the feeling of others needing us, but our compassionate self would rather they have self-sufficiency. Should I give the other person whatever they want? Our ego might like pleasing others and being liked by others, but our compassionate self wouldn’t want them to become a spoiled brat. We should be willing to be the bad cop when necessary. If someone makes a mistake, should we clean up the mistake for them, which might be quick and easy, or should we communicate and admonish them to correct their mistake? The answer is dependent on the complexities of the situation, but the ego would want to avoid trouble, while the compassionate self would be willing to go through trouble for the benefit of others. If someone has a bad and harmful habit, should we be forceful in persuading them to change? Our ego would be a control freak, and it might even use the excuse "I'm doing it for your own good!". Our compassionate self wouldn't blame others for not listening or give up if they don't listen, but instead really try to understand what the other person needs and persist in finding a way to admonish the person in a way that they would be responsive to. All in all, if we have conflict when trying to help others, it's likely that our desire to help is mixed with demands towards them to behave a certain way. When we let go of our my demands and my feelings, then we can truly benefit others, and of course, we benefit first from the feeling of compassion. 3: Compassion benefits oneself again when others benefit To go back to the analogy of parents, parents are even happier for their children's success than the children. Similarly, when we cultivate compassion, we view other people's gains and losses as our own losses. To bring out the intention of wanting others to succeed, I remind myself of a teaching from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons: "The difference between exemplary people and common folk lies in their intentions. Exemplary people only hold intentions of love and respect. There are thousands of different types of people in the world, some close and some distant, some of high status and some low, some smart and others dull, some virtuous and others not. But nevertheless, they are my fellow mankind; we are all connected and in this together." (Original Text: 君子所以異於人者，以其存心也。君子所存之心，只是愛人敬人之心。蓋人有親疏貴賤，有智愚賢不肖；萬品不齊，皆吾同胞，皆吾一體。) We can remember that everyone is just like me, doing their best to do what they think is right and what they think will bring happiness. When we understand that and see that they are the same as us in essence, we naturally feel a sense of compassion and a desire to help them be happy and successful. When we put in effort to help others succeed, and they indeed benefit, of course we'd be delighted. Furthermore, we are all grateful to the people who helped us, and we naturally want to return the favour in the future. Therefore, the benefit of compassion isn't just the feeling of joy for others' success, but also an investment in future aid from others. Of course, we don't demand others to return the favour (that would be being a control freak, and people wouldn't want to help control freaks); it's just a natural karmic result. My Experience I've always considered myself to be a very reasonable and logical person, and I feel that I don't have any unreasonable expectations towards others. However, I still get annoyed and upset at others, which means that I don't truly understand others, which also means that I'm not truly reasonable. After all, how can I be reasonable towards others if I don't truly understand them first? How can I be annoyed at others after I've truly understood them? I realized that what I think are "reasonable expectations" are big traps for my peace of mind. For example Why are you blaming me when you also have fault in this? You should acknowledge your own problems first. (This is overly focused on my feelings and demanding others to have high moral cultivation, which is quite unreasonable.) Why did you go back on your word for no good reason? ("No good reason" is from my perspective, not theirs. Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do.) Why can't you even be five minutes early? Is it really that hard? (This is my standard, not theirs. They don't have any intention to be disrespectful.) Why are you loafing when you have important responsibilities and work to do? (But in reality, they don't want to loaf either. They'd much rather be productive, but they can't. They just want to do something in the meantime and think about their work in the back of their mind.) Once I let go of my perspective and my expectations, then I can bring out feelings of understanding and compassion towards others, and I feel much more peaceful and at ease. Recently, I helped some classmates with some English assignments. They are not native English speakers like I am, so naturally, I have the ability to help them. I made a conscious decision to view their successes and failures as my own, and I hope they can all improve their confidence and English ability afterwards. I know they are rather polite and don't want to trouble me, so I took initiative to offer help. Then I paid attention to their response to see if they actually want my help or not. If they do, I will do my best to help; if not, then I won't be pushy about it. Most of them were very grateful for my offer. When correcting and explaining grammar mistakes for one classmate, she kept asking "But why? I still don't understand? What's wrong with my way?" I got annoyed and said, "Well I'm not an expert in grammar, but I can tell you that as a native English speaker, this is how I would say it." She would then reluctantly say, "Ok fine." Later, I realized that the problem isn't her, it's me. I had a subconscious demand for her to be able to understand my grammar corrections and to accept them. But it's actually very commendable that she is asking about these grammar corrections rather than blindly accepting them, and it's my problem for not being good enough at grammar to explain it to her in a way that she can understand. Another time, I said, "I'm not a grammar expert, so I don't know how to explain it, but we can go search up the answer if you want." In this way, I felt much more at peace and she was able to learn better. Later, when my professor gave feedback saying that everyone's English presentation had noticeable improvement from the past, I was even happier for my classmates than they were. And when I inspected my classmates' essays, I noticed their improvement, and again, I was even happier for them than they were. They were very thankful for my help and said they will definitely help me with Chinese assignments in the next course. Conclusion Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” One of our subtle bad habits is demanding others to behave the way we want them to, which then makes others annoyed and want to avoid us. Thus, if we want happy relationships and a happy life, cultivating compassion is key, and we can do so in daily life by "thinking to benefit others with every thought". In doing so, we benefit ourselves by experiencing more elevated emotions, we find ways to truly benefit others, and we benefit ourselves again in the future. Weekly Wisdom #283

Image Source: Wix AI Two monks were washing their feet in a river when they saw a scorpion struggling in the water. Knowing that scorpions cannot swim, the elder monk knelt down to scoop it out of the water and set it on the shore. As he slowly and calmly picked up the scorpion, it stung his hand. Out of pain and reflex, the monk dropped the scorpion. He then tried again a couple more times, but faster. However, he still got stung and dropped the scorpion. He then told the younger monk to bring him a tree branch from the shore. Using that branch, he managed to scoop the scorpion out of the water and set it on shore. The younger monk asked, "Why did you keep trying to save the scorpion when it stung you so many times? What an ungrateful creature." The elder monk replied, "If I enter the water, I will get wet; the nature of water is wet. See that tree over there? Anyone can sit under its shade. The tree will never ask if you are young or old, good or evil, human or animal; it will provide everyone and anything with its shade because this is its nature. Similarly, the nature of the scorpion is to sting, so there is nothing to take offence in. Our true nature is to be compassionate towards all living beings, just like the tree serves all living beings without discrimination. When we align with our true nature, we will free our minds from the suffering that comes with discrimination and attachment." Commentary This parable has different versions on the internet, and above is a version that I've synthesized and edited. The story has quite a lot of food for thought and can be contemplated from different angles. 1: Compassion First is from the perspective of compassion. Most of us have conditional love towards people: "If you are good, if I like you, if you behave the way I want you to behave, then I will treat you well; otherwise, I will be unhappy towards you." Compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional love: "It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, I will always treat you well, try to understand you, and help you achieve your full potential." As mentioned in last week's article, compassion benefits ourselves first because it is an elevated emotional state, as shown in this chart: Source: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza Whereas the survival emotions (e.g., pain, fear, anger) at the bottom are all overly attached to I, elevated motions (e.g., love/compassion, freedom, appreciation) all dampen the attachment to I and focus more on others. When we feel survival emotions, we feel stressed. When we are in an elevated state, we feel a sense of calm happiness and ease. Monks are always cultivating their mind to maintain a state of serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk saw the drowning scorpion, he naturally felt compassion towards it. He didn't think, "This is a scorpion. Scorpions are bad. I don't like scorpions." If we have strong discriminations between what we like and dislike, then we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The monk had equal compassion for all living beings, so he could maintain his serene state of mind. When the scorpion repeatedly stung his hand, he didn't think "What an ungrateful creature! I'm trying to help you, and you sting me?!" Compassion is similar to parental love: Even if a child is naughty, does bad things, argues with parents, and hurts parents feelings, the parent ultimately still loves the child and believes in the child's goodness and potential. Similarly, the monk understood that the scorpion stung him out of fear and anxiety, so he felt didn't blame the scorpion and continued to try to save it. When we have conflict with others, we can reflect on whether we truly understand the other person, and whether we are using conditional love or compassion. 2: Wisdom Another insight from this story is the importance of wisdom. We've probably all had the experience of wanting to help others, but when we tried to help, we ended up creating more trouble for everyone. It's like when the elder monk tried to pick up the scorpion and got stung, thereby hurting himself and bringing no benefit to the scorpion. So how can we gain wisdom? One way is of course to study books of wisdom, such as those of ancient philosophers. I previously wrote about this in the article Upgrade Your Thinking. But in the story, the elder monk gained wisdom through his sincere compassion. Sincere means single-minded and unchanging, while compassion means only thinking about benefiting others. Since the monk was single-mindedly focused on helping the scorpion, he didn't give up after the first few failures. Since he wasn't interested in giving up, he continually looked for ways to improve his method, until he finally had a breakthrough: find a tree branch to scoop the scorpion. Similarly, we can reflect on ourselves when we encounter problems. Are we single-mindedly focused and determined to solve it? Or do we think this problem isn't really that big of a deal? Are we focused on helping others, or are we overly attached to our own feelings? 3: Pain vs. Suffering When the elder monk got stung by the scorpion, he surely felt pain, but I don't think he experienced suffering. Pain is physical, while suffering is mental. I'm reminded of this quote from Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius: "Do away with the opinion I am harmed, and the harm is cast away too." The big question is, how can we "do away with the opinion that I am harmed"? It's all about how we think. I like Victor Cheng's definition of "suffering" as "meaningless pain", which means that if we can find meaning in our pain, then we no longer feel unhappy. In fact, we can even appreciate pain similar to how an athlete appreciates growing pains. If we want to improve in life, which is a joyful thing, then we need to face tests and challenges. Monks are trying to cultivate serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk encountered the scorpion that stung him, he viewed it as a good test to help him raise his cultivation rather than as misfortune. If he had gotten upset and given up, then his cultivation would have degenerated. He could then thank the scorpion for showing him his lack of cultivation. But he maintained his cultivation and overcame the challenge, so he can thank the scorpion for helping him to increase his level of cultivation. We probably all face challenges and pain in our lives, but we don't necessarily have to suffer. We can find meaning in our challenges and use our pain as motivation for our self-improvement and for helping others to avoid the pain we've been through. When we do so, we can change our emotional state from suffering (a low state) to appreciation (a high state). Conclusion Although we might not literally be a monk, and we might not ever see a drowning scorpion, the metaphorical lessons of this story are highly relevant to us. Do we have conditional love or unconditional compassion? Are we sincere or fickle? Do we suffer in the face of pain and challenges, or do we find meaning and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #284

Recently, I was attending a class on Confucianism, and we were talking about filial piety, which basically means how to be a good son or daughter. Essentially, we should take care of our health, ease parents' worries, and fulfill their wishes for us. On the third point, the teacher said we should cultivate virtues and seek a successful career in order to bring glory to the family name. One of my Chinese classmates said, "I need to improve myself and become successful because my success is the success of my parents and teachers." When I heard this, I totally supported her wanting to make her parents and teachers proud, but I thought to myself, "That's strange. In the west, your success is your success. It doesn't have much to do with your parents and teachers. After all, a teacher might teach thousands of students, why do only a few become very successful? It's the student's own abilities. If I am successful, people will think I have great abilities. They're not going to go praise my parents and teachers." I raised this question in class. My teacher said, "That way of thinking is dangerous because it can easily make people arrogant. If a person becomes arrogant, their success will be short-lived. On the other hand, parents and teachers must not become arrogant either and think that their children's or students' success is all because of them." From this, I realized that the truth is in the middle. It would be wrong to say that my success is only my success because without my parents raising me and my teachers teaching me, I wouldn't have the abilities and skills to achieve my success. At the same time, we can't say that my success has nothing to do with me. After all, my effort and perseverance are key factors too. But a key insight I got from my teacher's answer is that we shouldn't focus so much on who should take credit, but rather focus on preventing arrogance. Why is this such a big deal? There is a Chinese idiom that goes, "The arrogant will be harmed. The humble will gain benefit." After all, no one likes an arrogant person, so arrogant people easily make enemies, while humble people attract others' support. Moreover, arrogant people tend to become careless and complacent, while humble people remain careful and diligent. There's also an analogy of a cup of water. Arrogance is like a full cup of water. Once the cup is full, the water easily spills out, which is analogous to being harmed. Moreover, the full cup cannot receive any more water, which means it cannot improve. On the other hand, the non-full cup of water is analogous to being humble, it won't easily spill, and it can receive more water. I have another teacher who teaches Chinese history, but his history class is not about memorizing dates and facts. Rather, he analyzes the rise and falls of past dynasties and draws lessons for our daily lives. One thing I learned from his class is that all the founders of new dynasties were humble and listened to their ministers' advice seriously, while all the emperors that brought their dynasty to ruin were arrogant, indulgent, and short-sighted. Thus we can see the importance of preventing arrogance. Back to the topic of success, even though we know objectively that our effort is a key factor to our success, we should downplay that and highlight our gratitude towards parents and teachers. By remaining humble, we can continue to grow. By being grateful, we can continue to receive. This also sets a good role model to others. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 If we are a parent and our child becomes very successful, we should not say, "Remember your success is all because I raised you, or else you wouldn't even be here today." That would be arrogant. Ideally, the child says, "My success is all because of my parents' support and teachings." As a parent, we can reply, "It's great that you understand humility and gratitude. And don’t forget the role that your teachers played in your success." If we are a teacher, we can reply, "My contribution is small. The important thing is your hard work and perseverance. But don't get cocky. Stay humble and remember to be grateful to your parents." If the child doesn't give credit to parents or teachers and starts to get arrogant, then we can remind the child, "Remember that you weren't born with these knowledge and abilities. If you didn't have your teachers, you wouldn't have your success today. You have to stay humble to grow and grateful to receive." Conclusion When people become successful, it's quite hard to not think highly of oneself. When we think we are great, it's quite hard to not get arrogant. When we become arrogant, it's quite hard to not offend others or make mistakes. When we offend others and make mistakes, it's quite hard to prevent disaster. Thus, it's very important to prevent arrogance in the face of success, and one way to do so is to emphasize the contributions of our parents and teachers. After all, without them, we wouldn't have our life, knowledge, and skills, so it's only natural to give them credit, and this sets a good example for others too. Weekly Wisdom #273

Image Source At my home in Toronto, I usually use a spoon or fork to eat, and I don't often use chopsticks. But now that I'm in China for school, I use chopsticks every meal. The thing is, my technique is not proper. Actually, I didn't even know there's a "proper" technique. I just kind of figured out a way to use chopsticks on my own. One time during a meal, a teacher saw me using chopsticks incorrectly, and he tried to teach me. At first, I wasn't really interested because I felt like I can eat food fine using my own technique. But since this teacher seemed to care a lot about this, I decided to try to learn the proper way to make him happy. Throughout the process, I gained a deeper appreciation for the difficulty of changing habits. He demonstrated the correct hand posture for holding chopsticks, which is to use the index and middle fingers to move the chopsticks, with the thumb and ring finger stationary. However, I'm used to using my thumb and index fingers to move the two chopsticks, and I don't use my ring finger. I tried really hard to imitate the correct position, but my thumb would unconsciously move, and my ring finger got tired really fast. I tried for a whole hour, with him patiently trying to correct my posture every single time. Eventually, we had to go, and I still hadn't figured it out. The following day, we tried again for another forty minutes. I still couldn't do it. Eventually, the teacher said, "It's alright. You're starting to get a feel for it. When you have time, you can practice it, but don't feel stressed about it or delay your meals." Later, that teacher went on a work trip to another city. After a few days, I decided to give his method a try again. I was talking to my classmate saying, "I still don't get how to hold chopsticks the proper way. Either my grip feels loose or my ring finger feels really sore." He said, "Oh that's normal. When I first used chopsticks, I didn't learn the proper way either. Then when my teacher corrected me, I spent a whole week trying to get used to it. You just need some time." I said, "No that's not my problem. I still don't have the correct posture and feeling towards chopsticks, so I can't even practice." I then proceeded to show him, and interestingly, it felt easier. He then guided me a little, and I was actually able to do it, although it still felt hard and unnatural. But now I have confidence that if I keep practicing, I'll eventually get the hang of it. From this experience, I gained more empathy towards people's bad habits. Firstly, people oftentimes aren't interested in changing their habits because they feel like it really isn't a big deal to them, just like I really didn't feel my incorrect way of holding chopsticks is a big deal. We can give suggestions out of care, but we shouldn't force our values and opinions onto others. Secondly, even if someone wants to change a habit, it really isn't easy. After I made up my mind to learn the correct method to make my teacher happy, I tried really hard to learn it. But after an hour, I still couldn't do it. I probably tried over a hundred times, but I still subconsciously use my old habit. Similarly, all habits are deeply ingrained, making them very hard to change. Thus, we need patience and persistence to change our habits. Maybe I was too tense and eager for quick results during the first couple of days with that teacher, so I didn't have good results. But later with my classmate, I was relaxed, and I was suddenly able to get a feel for it. When we advise other people to change, but they still don't, we need to be patient towards them and not assume that they are being annoying on purpose; it's far more likely that they are doing that habit without any negative intentions. Thirdly, when learning something new, it's best to learn it correctly the first time. If we develop incorrect techniques or habits at the beginning, then it'll be rather difficult to unlearn and relearn in the future. My teacher told me a story about a piano player who studied under two famous teachers, both of whom studied under the same teacher. When his first teacher passed away, he went to study under the second teacher. The second teacher didn't let him touch the piano for a whole year so that he could forget his old habits and start from a clean slate. Thus, my chopsticks teacher was very understanding towards me being unable to forget my old habit of holding chopsticks. On a related note, one of my classmates asked me why I spent so long trying to learn a new method of holding the chopsticks if my current method already works. I said, "Because the teacher seemed to care a lot about this, I don't want to annoy him every time he sees me holding the chopsticks incorrectly. Also, if I respect him and try to learn, he'll be happy." My classmate replied, "Wow. If it were me, I'd just do me, because I have my own reasons, and they don't understand my situation fully." I said, "Well, if I were you, I would either explain my situation to the teacher, which of course takes time. Or I would comply in front of them to make them happy. But I wouldn't disobey them straight in front of their face." My classmate said, "Well, I would begrudgingly comply in front of them, but when they're not looking, I'll use my own way." I said, "Sure, that's still very considerate of you. Something I've learned though is that relationships are key to happiness, so if I want a happy life, it's more important to prioritize harmony than logic or matters. If I prioritize my own feelings and beliefs, that creates conflict, which ruins my peace of mind. So even though it might seem unnecessary or illogical for me to go through the hassle of learning a different way of using chopsticks, it actually is worth it if it means building a good relationship with that teacher. Also, I want people to advise me on my problems. I learned from Emperor Tang's role model: if I seem unhappy or unwilling to accept this teacher's advice on learning how to hold chopsticks, then he might think I'm close-minded, and he might even tell other people. That means people will hesitate to advise me on my problems in the future, and that would be very unfortunate and even dangerous. So even though I kind of feel like learning a new method of holding chopsticks is unnecessary, I still persuaded myself to give it a serious try." My classmate said, "That is very true. It still feels really hard to do though." I replied, "Yep. I know how you feel. But anything worthwhile in life takes effort and hard work, and that's what makes the gain so enjoyable and valuable. I still often fail to prioritize relationships over logic, but I just record that failure in my journal and remind myself to be more careful next time. As long as we persist, we'll definitely overcome our weaknesses." In summary, this event was a good reminder to be empathetic and patient towards other people's habits, to prioritize relationships over matters, and to be cautious about rejecting others' advice. Weekly Wisdom #282

(Image Source) I have a pair of pants that had a small rip on the left knee, but I just ignored it because…well, I never sewed anything before, and the hole wasn't big enough to make the pants unwearable. But this week, when I was putting on that pair of pants, I was rushed, and my foot ended up stretching that hole (lesson 1: don't be rushed; rushing leads to mistakes), such that I couldn't wear those pants anymore (lesson 2: fix problems while their still small and early). Since I'm away from home, I can't just ask my mom to fix it for me (lesson 3: appreciate parents while you're with them). I first asked my roommate for help, but he also didn't know how to sew things (lesson 3: learn how to be independent because the only person you can rely on is yourself). Then I thought about asking some people in the dorms for help, but I decided against it. My mom had shown me how to sew up holes before, but I never practiced from beginning to end (lesson 4: after watching a demo, ask to practice it from beginning to end). However, I decided to challenge myself and try it. If I royally mess up, it's not a big deal, I can just cut the thread and ask someone else to help. If I succeed, then I'll gain confidence in myself. Small risk and big reward = Worth it. The first challenge was to try to put the thread through the needle hole. The thread is so thin and the needle hole so small! Just that alone took me 15 minutes…there were many times I thought, "Maybe I should just ask someone for help…it's not like I really need to know how to sew things…I can just buy another pair of pants…". But deep down, I knew that these were just excuses to avoid difficulty and discomfort. The Buddha once said, "The success of everything depends on endurance." Venerable Jing Kong commented, "Great endurance, great success. Little endurance, little success. No endurance, no success." Thus, I told myself, "This isn't simply about sewing a hole. It's about strengthening my mind and enduring discomfort. If I can't even endure the difficulty of threading a needle, how can I have any success in the future?" So I persisted. No counting failures. No thoughts about how long this will take. Just keep trying. Eventually, the thread went through the hole. The next challenge was deciding how long I want the thread to be. I looked at the hole and guessed that twice the length of the hole should be OK. I cut the thread and tied a knot at the end. Then I started sewing. My technique probably isn't good, and if a professional saw me, she'd probably facepalm, but it's fine. My goal is simply to sew up the hole and accomplish something I've never done before. As I kept sewing, I soon realized that this thread isn't long enough. I should've cut three times the length of the thread. What now? Just keep going. I managed to sew approximately 80% of the hole. This reminded me of a quote from The Great Learning: "If you seek with a sincere heart, then even if you don't hit the bullseye, you won't be far off." Indeed, I was determined to sew this hole by myself no matter how difficult it would be, and I managed to sew up 80% of it. I remember my mother did some sort of technique to make a knot at the end using the needle, but I have too little thread, so I just cut the thread at the needle head, then I used my hands to try to make a knot with the little remaining thread. This last part was another big battle. I had to try to make a circle, then put the tail into that circle to make a knot. But there's so little thread, and the thread is so soft, it's very hard to shape. This probably took me another 15 minutes. I was getting tired, but I cheered myself on. I remembered another quote from The Practice of Equilibrium: "What others can do in one effort, I am willing to spend one hundred efforts. What others can do in ten efforts, I am willing to spend one thousand efforts. If one can do this, then even if dull, one will definitely become sharp; even if weak, one will definitely become strong." I told myself, "I can definitely do it. I can do anything I set my mind to as long as I never give up. Even if this takes me an hour I won't give up. I have to cheer myself on because the only reliable cheerleader I can have is myself." Finally, I succeeded in tying that last knot. I felt a big sense of accomplishment for persevering until the end, and I took a picture to commemorate this event. This event was a good reminder that perseverance is key to success, and the joy of one's own improvement is always worth it.

Have you ever had a good impression of someone at the beginning, but after spending more and more time with them, you start having a bad impression of them? This is extremely normal since we all try to show our best selves when we first meet others, but we once we get used to the other person, we let loose and reveal our real selves, with blemishes and all. The problem is that when we hold on to these negative impressions, we lose our peace of mind. The other person didn't really do anything to make us annoyed, nor did they have any intention to. We just saw something that wasn't pleasing or appropriate according to our standards, which probably isn't the same is their standards. If standards weren't communicated and agreed upon, then it's not really fair to judge others using those standards. When we have a negative bias towards others, not only do we get harmed, but this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby we treat them less positively, which then elicits a less positive response from them, which then makes us treat them even more negatively, and so on. If you think about it, the source of major conflicts start with a single bad impression that accumulated over time. If we can dissolve the unfavorable impression before it accumulates into annoyance and resentment, and then conflicts can be prevented or resolved. My Chinese philosophy teacher shared a memorable story: "One time, I was doing a talk about relationships and marriage, and I said that the key to a harmonious relationship is to only see your partner's good points and not see any bad points. Suddenly, a lady in the audience said, 'My husband has no good points!' The whole room went silent. I then went to this lady, gave her a bow, and said, 'Dear miss, I bow to you because you are willing to sacrifice yourself and marry a man with absolutely no good points. You have the compassion of a great hero.'" The audience laughed, and the tension dissolved. My teacher then went on to explain that there's no way her husband has zero good points; otherwise, she wouldn't marry him in the first place. She probably focused on his good points at first, but over time, she started to notice his bad points, and then she let those bad impressions grow stronger and stronger in her mind, to the point that she couldn't see his good points anymore. But it's the same guy! So when we say "don't see other people's faults", it doesn't mean we cover up our eyes and not look at the people who annoys us. That's not realistic. It also does not mean we see their problem and then tell ourselves in our head "They have no faults. They have no faults. They have no faults." That's just lying to ourselves, and that tension will accumulate and eventually explode. So how do we "not see other people's faults" then? Essentially, it's about seeing the other person in a different way, such that we don't see faults, but instead see their goodness. I think Wayne Dyer put it well when he said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." If we look at others with a judgmental lens, picking out their problems and how they don't meet our standards, then we will be unsatisfied with them. But if we change our lens to that of understanding, responsibility, appreciation, and goodness, then the same person suddenly becomes a great person. A Lens of Understanding First is understanding. When we are dissatisfied towards others, it's usually because we think "they shouldn't be like that." But let's think about that… Should they really not be like that? For example, as a teacher, I usually have some students who are not well-behaved. Even after I politely give them warnings about their misconduct, they still continue. I then get annoyed and think, "They are unreasonable." But are they really unreasonable? When I learn more about their family situation and upbringing, I realize that they usually come from troubled families with a distressed upbringing. Despicable people have lamentable circumstances. When we understand others, we realize that their behavior is exactly the way it should be. Moreover, if we had their DNA, upbringing, and personality, we would be behaving exactly the same way as them. When we understand this fact, we won't be so annoyed and judgmental towards them. Instead, we'll have tolerance and compassion. A Lens of Responsibility Aside from understanding that the other person's behavior is actually the way it should be, we should also apply the lens of responsibility. Jerry Colonna said it well when he said, "Four important questions to continually ask yourself: 1. How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want? 2. What am I not saying that needs to be said? 3. What am I saying that’s not being heard? 4. What’s being said that I’m not hearing?" In other words, how have I contributed to them behaving that way? Given that they interact a lot with us, there's no way we have zero contribution, and thus responsibility, towards their behavior. Image Source Perhaps we remained silent when we should have communicated, so they think their behavior is fine. Or perhaps we communicated in a way that upset them or that they didn't understand. Or perhaps we are misunderstanding them. When we focus on our responsibility towards the problem, we stop focusing on their faults. Then we can communicate with them in a humbler way because we realize we have problems too. A Lens of Appreciation and Goodness Usually, the people that annoy or upset us the most are the people closest to us because we spend the most time with them, so it's easy to see their faults. And since we have to spend so much time with them, we feel the need to speak up about their faults. It's actually morally right to urge others to improve and correct their faults. However, the key is the attitude with which we do it. If we are just venting annoyance and criticizing, then obviously, the other person won't respond positively. They'll argue back simply because they feel disrespected and misunderstood. Thus, it's very important that we adjust ourselves to feel respect and care before speaking. How can we do that? First, think about all the things they've done for us or given us. Again, the people we usually get annoyed at are the people closest to us. Since they are close to us, they've probably also given us more than other people. For example, our spouse dedicated their life to us, and we should be grateful for their trust and contributions. Our parents sacrificed so much for us, how could we let their faults overshadow all their contributions? Our children brought us so much joy and trusted us unconditionally when they were young. How can we let their faults overshadow all the joy they've brought and their great potential? Second, focus on their good points. A useful exercise to try is to write down all their good points and bad points. What will likely happen is that we'll notice they actually have many good points and only a few bad points, but we just tend to exaggerate the size and weight of those bad points, such that we neglect their good points. In other words, we distort them negatively in our mind. That's rather unfair, isn't it? Once we feel appreciation for all that they've given to us and respect for their good points, then we can urge them to improve. When we use a respectful and caring heart to advise others, we wouldn't have an ugly facial expression or an annoyed tone of voice. We would naturally be more calm, warm, humble, and harmonious in our speech and facial expression. That then elicits a more positive response from the other person. My Experience This past year, I've been taking a one-year program about sinology (ancient Chinese philosophy). All my classmates are on campus in Fuzhou, China, but I had some special circumstances, so I had permission to attend online, and I didn't go to Fuzhou until a few weeks ago. Before I arrived, I had a pretty good impression of my classmates because, well, I only saw them in our online classes, and they all seem like pretty good people. After interacting with them in person for a few weeks, I started to notice some of the faults. When I noticed slight feelings of annoyance and dissatisfaction arise in my mind, I set aside time to sit down and talk to myself. I need to dissolve these negative impressions while they are still small and weak to prevent them from accumulating. I first tried to understand their background and upbringing. I realized that there is actually a lot I don't understand because my upbringing is extremely different from them. Therefore, we likely have different standards and values, and I shouldn't use my standards and values to judge them. If I had their upbringing and values, I would be behaving the same way. Next, I reflected on my responsibility. Sometimes, they didn't do anything wrong per se, it's just that my standards are different. In those cases, I just need to stop judging others based on my standards because there isn't one correct standard. Other times, they indeed have faults that they should correct. In those cases, I should politely advise them, but I also need to be careful to not feel annoyed or demanding when doing so. In order to adjust my mentality, I thought about their goodness and gratitude. If I list out my classmates' good points, I could write a lot. As for their faults, very little. Moreover, they've done a lot to help me feel welcomed after I arrived, and many of them helped me with my past assignments. They have a lot of goodness, and I am grateful to them. By going through this process, I dissolved those negative impressions, and when I "see" them again, I see people with goodness. It's not that I am unaware of their faults or pretend they don't exist. It's just that I focus on their goodness, and I don't feel negative emotions towards their faults. Conclusion Everyone has good points and bad points, and we choose what impressions we keep in our minds. Icon Sources: 1, 2 Our choice will influence how we treat them, which then influences how they treat us back. If we want to have happy relationships, we should dissolve negative impressions by applying the lenses of understanding, responsibility, appreciation, and goodness. Once our mindset is right, our speech and actions will naturally align.

Image Source Do you have a hero that you admire? If so, what do you admire about that hero? Growing up, I watched a lot of superhero movies. As a kid, I thought these heroes were really awesome because of their superpowers, and I would often daydream about who would win if different heroes were to face off against each other. As I got older, I started to appreciate the story and character development of these heroes. I noticed that all these heroes had to face self-doubt, suffering, and defeat. Whereas most people would give up, they faced the darkness within and outside their heart and overcame that darkness. In other words, a hero is not someone who was born with great optimism and strength and remained that way their whole life. They have inner struggles just like anyone else, but they face those inner villains and overcome them, and that's why they can then defeat the outer villains. One can even say that it's precisely because of these difficulties that they could become heroes. As Mencius said, "Thus, before the world confers great responsibility to a person, it first toils one's mind, exhausts one's sinews and bones, starves one's body, subjects one to poverty, and obstructs one's efforts. Through all this, one's mind is stimulated, nature strengthened, and incompetencies mended." (Original text: "故天將降大任於是人也, 必先苦其心志, 勞其筋骨, 餓其體膚, 空乏其身, 行拂亂其所為, 所以動心忍性, 曾益其所不能.") I once heard someone say that a macho general can be extremely ferocious on the battlefield, but if you force him to overcome one of his bad habits, like quitting smoking or not getting angry, he can't do it. He curls into a ball on the floor shivering in tears. OK maybe that second part is just my imagination, but you get the point. A true hero is able to master oneself and unlock one's full potential, while ordinary people succumb to their bad habits. But what gives heroes the strength and motivation to overcome oneself and to face those seemingly impossible-to-defeat villains? I think it's because of their great love. Most of these heroes put the safety and wellbeing of their loved ones, or even everyone in the world, in their heart, so they are able to rise to the challenge. And I think it's this spirit that's what makes a hero a hero. With this realization, I started having much more respect towards people around me. For example, my parents went through a lot of difficulty to raise me, but they always did their best to give me the best that they could. They have that heroic spirit. I also know people who weren't born with the greatest ability or situations, but they always gave their best, and even though they might not have succeeded at their endeavors, their heroic spirit has earned my admiration. One such person is Confucius. I was recently reading Confucian Reflections by Philip Ivanhoe, and in this book, he said that Confucius is someone "who knows it won't work out but keeps at it." This line really struck me because I'm a pragmatist; if I know something won't work, I wouldn't bother wasting my time. Even before I read this line, I already admired Confucius for his great wisdom, so naturally, I wanted to understand why such a wise sage would keep trying at something that he knows wouldn't work. For context, Confucius lived in a turbulent world where many small states had corrupted governments. He travelled around to different states to spread his philosophy of benevolence and moral excellence, hoping to find a ruler who would resonate with his ideals and collaborate to restore the golden days from the Zhou dynasty. Unfortunately, rejection came after rejection. He even got attacked and held hostage! But despite all these setbacks, Confucius didn't falter in his faith or efforts. He continued his travels…for 14 years! Eventually, he decided to return to his hometown and start teaching. Now, over 2500 years later, his teachings have spread all across the world. Since I want to learn from Confucius's heroic spirit, I try to put myself into Confucius's shoes. Why was he able to get up failure after failure? He was even willing to sacrifice his life for his ideals. What gave him such a strong purpose? I think it's just like heroes in the movies: he put the wellbeing of the whole world in his heart. In The Analects of Confucius, there is a passage where Confucius asks some students about their aspirations. Afterwards, a student asks Confucius for his aspirations. Confucius replied, "For the elderly to be given peace and comfort, for friends to treat each other with trust and good faith, and for the young to be treated with love and care." (Original text: "老者安之, 朋友信之, 少者懷之.") The thing is, Confucius technically did not succeed in persuading any of the kings he encountered to collaborate with him. When he died, there were probably many people who viewed Confucius as a failure. Who would have known that he would leave such a big mark in history? Perhaps that's one reason why we need to have and to chase those seemingly impossible ideals. If Confucius didn't do so, how would he have gained the wealth of experience and wisdom to teach his students? It's precisely because he always gave his best towards his dreams that he unlocked such profound wisdom, deemed worthy of being passed on generation after generation for thousands of years. Moreover, one of my Chinese philosophy teachers explained that Confucius's ideals actually were realized. It just wasn't in his lifetime. About 250 years after Confucius, the Han dynasty started, and they made Confucianism the state ideology. All government officials studied Confucian teachings, and a golden era of peace and prosperity was born. Throughout the next 2500 years, all the way to present day, Confucian teachings remained widely studied and used. So perhaps another reason why Confucius chased those seemingly impossible ideals is because he wasn't impatient for quick results. He knew that he might not see results in his lifetime, but if he didn't work towards them, then the future generations wouldn't have a chance at them either. Thus, Confucius focused on doing his utmost to plant the seeds for an ideal world. When the conditions will become ripe for those seeds to grow and fruit is of secondary importance, but at least he planted the seeds, and he can leave this world with a peaceful conscience knowing that he did his best for a worthy cause. From Confucius's heroic example, I became more motivated to seek and pursue an ideal. I really hope that everyone in the world can have great wisdom and kindness because I believe these are two keys to a meaningful and well-lived life. Confucius also taught us to start with improving ourselves; only when we defeat the villains within ourselves can we solve the problems outside. When we improve, we set a good example for others, and others will naturally be interested in learning from us without any forcing. In this way, we naturally spread our influence broader and broader. Is there an ideal that you strive for? Who is it for? What villains do you need to overcome? Weekly Wisdom #279

Image Source Recently I was talking to a friend about planning and personality types. I explained that my personality type prefers to plan everything, while her type prefers to go with the flow rather than plan. She said, "Well, I plan if I have to." I replied, "Yeah, but you don't naturally want to or enjoy planning, right?" She said, "That's true." I said, "The point of personality tests is to understand our objective strengths and weaknesses. Then we work on our weaknesses to the point that they are not hindering us. And we also hone our strengths to achieve more of our potential. For me, I to need learn to be more flexible, to not get so annoyed when things don't go according to my plan. For you, your strength is adaptability, but you can improve your planning skills since you don't naturally like to plan. The best is when we are good at both planning and adapting to changes." She said, "I just don't see the point of planning. Whenever I make a to-do list, I can never finish it. Whenever I make a plan, it never works out." I said, "I think you can try a different perspective towards planning. I used to always focus on results too, but that's quite frustrating because, like you said, things never go according to plan. So rather than focusing on the result, focus on proper prioritization. Time is our most valuable resource. If we want to have a good conscience, we need to know that we used our time in the right manner." She said, "Oh that's interesting. Can you explain more?" I asked, "Have you ever reached the end of the day, and then you suddenly realized there was an important thing you forgot to do because you got distracted with less important matters? For example, I sometimes get distracted with emails, messages, or videos for a while, and then I regret not managing my time better. Other times, I get annoyed because my family wants me to do stuff, but I have so much work to do. This then creates conflict. But if I'm clear that family is a priority over work, then I wouldn't make this kind of mistake." She said, "Yeah, I can relate." I said, "Exactly. So planning helps us to prevent regret and feeling dumb at the end of the day because we know we did things in the proper order of priority. Now this isn't to say that I can't take breaks and watch videos at all. It's just that before I start taking a break, I know what I have to do later, so I won't get sucked into distractions. And if my family suddenly needs my help, if I know they rank higher on my priority list, I won't be stubborn about finishing my work first. Whether or not I finish everything on my to-do list doesn't matter, and I don't judge myself on that. The more important thing is that I know I ordered my tasks properly." At this point, you might be wondering how to prioritize tasks in a proper order. I often use the time management ideas from Stephen Covey. In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he explained that there are four types of activities: Important and urgent Important and non-urgent Non-important and urgent Non-important and non-urgent Some people feel like they are always dealing with emergencies and putting out fires all day. They then look for relief in non-important and non-urgent things. Some other people get sucked into non-important things and feel really unproductive at the end of the day. Effective people prioritize the important and non-urgent things, which prevents emergencies and being sucked into distractions. For example, if we make time to exercise, we can prevent health emergencies. If we make time for our important relationships, we can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. Since various people have demands for our time, another important principle is to give time to others in order of gratitude because this aligns with our innate sense of right or wrong. For most of us, we owe the most gratitude towards our parents and family, then employer, then friends. If we, for example, neglect family because we're too busy with work, our family members will likely get upset, and we will have a guilty conscience. Obviously, if it's just once in a while, we can communicate with our family members and get their understanding beforehand. But if we frequently prioritize work above family, that might create a lot of conflict, and we'd have an uncomfortable conscience. All in all, I don't think the fact that things rarely go according to plan is a reason to not plan. I think the result of planning and time management should be a peaceful conscience; we know that we put first people first and did first things first. Of course, our productivity and effectiveness will be better too, but that's more of a side effect. Weekly Wisdom #278

Do you know what the oldest land-living animal is? Well, you can probably guess from the title. Indeed, it's a 190-year-old tortoise, named Jonathan, identified by the Guinness World Records in January of 2022. Image Source This isn't just a cool trivia though, we can actually learn some wisdom from the spirit of the tortoise (and turtle). 1: Slow and steady achieves the goal We've probably all heard of the story of the tortoise and the hare. From the story, we see the importance of persistence, and often, persistence means slow and steady. Have you started something, and you initially had a burst of motivation, but after a while, that enthusiasm died out, and you stopped? That's analogous to the hare who ran really fast at first, but stopped before reaching the finish line. Image Source It is great to have a burst of motivation if we are doing a sprint. However, most things in life are not sprints; they are marathons. If we over-exert ourselves in the beginning, we will quickly run out of fuel and give up. That's why runners talk about the "85% rule", which means instead of running at 100% speed, run at 85%. This is the optimal energy expenditure that balances speed and endurance. We can apply the 85% rules to other areas of life too, such as towards work, learning something new, or changing a habit. When working, we might get anxious for big results in a short amount of time. This desire stresses us out. If we can recognize that work is a marathon, that it takes consistent accumulation over time, then our stress would decrease and our work quality would increase. Moreover, when we are rushed, we easily make mistakes. Fixing these mistakes then takes even more time, making us even more stressed. That's why there's a common saying that goes, "Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast." When trying to learn something new or change a habit, if we are too rushed for results, then we easily get frustrated and give up. Or worse, we swing back to our old habits with greater force than before. We should learn from the spirit of the tortoise: slow and steady achieves the goal. 2: Calm and steady is longevity I think the tortoise's calm and steady temperament is definitely related to its longevity. When we are calm and steady, our heart beats calmly and slower. When we are agitated or hasty, our heart beats faster. Everything wears and tears, so a person with a hasty and impatient personality will wear down their heart faster than the person with a calm and steady personality. Also, most injuries happen due to uncarefulness, and uncarefulness often results from haste. Just think about the last time you accidentally hurt yourself. Were you rushed? Or distracted? Distraction and multitasking are also related to haste (greedy for more results in a shorter amount of time). Injuries become increasingly dangerous as someone gets older, so cultivating a calm and steady personality will help us prevent injuries and suffering. 3: Protect yourself When a tortoise encounters danger, it retracts its head, tail, and four limbs into its sturdy shell. Buddhism uses the six limbs of the tortoise as an analogy for our six senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste, and mind. We need to be able to discern good influences from bad influences, and when we encounter bad influences, we should block them out. The Buddha said, "Do not associate with the ignorant. Instead, befriend the wise. Respect the virtuous. This is the greatest blessing." Jim Rohn echoed the same idea when he said, "You're the average of the five people you spend most time with." It's not just people that influence us. It's all the media and information that enter our minds. If we are constantly around wise people, we naturally get influenced and become wiser. If we are constantly surrounded by negative energy, we get influenced and start thinking negatively. What many people fail to do is consciously filter the media and information that they encounter through their eyes and ears. To filter, we can ask some simple questions: Is this giving me positive energy or negative energy? Is this making me better or making me worse? Is this helping me or hurting me? Aside from the information we consume, we also need to protect ourselves from triggers of bad habits or vices. For example, if I know that sweets are my weakness, and I need to cut down on sugar and fat, then I should avoid things that trigger my desire for sweets. That means I should get rid of sweets in my home so that I am not tempted by the sight, smell, or touch of them. I should avoid talking about sweets with friends to prevent these thoughts from coming up. I shouldn't have improper thoughts like "It's not a big deal if I break my plan. Just a little will satisfy my craving." We need to be absolutely honest with ourselves about what is important and what we are willing to sacrifice for those important things. Just to be clear, this example is not suggesting to cut off a bad habit completely right away. Earlier, we already mentioned that if people have a ferocious start, they often swing back to their old habits after that initial burst of motivation dies out. It's better to start off slow with a manageable change, then we gradually add momentum. The point of the sweets example is to avoid the triggers that can be avoided. If we already know we want to cut down on sweets, then we should eliminate, or at least limit, the triggers in our immediate environment. We can establish a plan for ourselves on how many sweets we can eat per day or per week and follow that plan to build our discipline. Although this example is about sweets, the principle applies to any bad habit. My Experience My personality really values efficiency and likes speed, so I need to learn from the spirit of the tortoise. I often push myself to achieve more, and this can result in neglecting health or relationships, which is not worth it. Usually, there isn't a real need for me to achieve so much so fast; it's just my personality, so I need to work on that. I've found daily meditation to be quite helpful in calming the mind. Calm and steady in everyday actions is also something I've been working on. This quote from Thich Nhat Han left a deep impression on me: “If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future—and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.” I noticed that when I'm eating, I'm usually thinking about things I need to do later, so I eat really fast. Sometimes, if I'm stressed, I end up biting my lip by accident, which then creates an ulcer that I have to endure for a week. So I've been working on eating slower and more consciously. This way, not only do I prevent ulcers, I also enjoy my food more and improve my digestion. This also applies to other things too, like doing chores or going for a walk. As for protecting the six senses, I've filtered my social media content to be wise, positive, and inspirational content. I also reflect daily using a to-be list, which helps me to be the kind of person that I want to attract into my life. Conclusion The spirit of the tortoise is calm, steady, persevering, and self-protective. These are all wonderful traits that we can learn from, and they will help us to achieve our goals, live longer, and be wiser. Are there any animals that inspire you? Why?

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 During the Spring Autumn period (771-476 BCE) of China's history, many small countries were at war with each other. One country was named Wu, and the King of Wu was eager to expand his territory and power. He saw an opportunity to invade a neighboring country, the country of Chu, and was keen to seize the opportunity. However, his ministers advised him against it, saying that if we send our troops out to invade Chu, other countries might seize the opportunity to invade us in our defenseless state. However, the King of Wu didn't listen. In fact, he got angry and said any coward that obstructs him will be sentenced to death. With this, no one dared to speak up about the matter again. There was a child in the palace who was very concerned about this matter. He didn't want to see his country perish, and he thought long and hard about how to admonish this stubborn king. Finally, he thought of an idea. Every morning, he went to the palace's garden with his slingshot. He then crouched below a tree and stared upwards at the branches, looking for a target. He stayed there for the whole morning. On the third day, since the King of Wu was in a bad mood because none of his ministers supported his decision, he went for a walk in the garden. When he saw this child crouching below the tree, aiming a slingshot, he came over and asked, "Hey kid, what are you doing?" The child said, "Your highness, I'm preparing for something extremely interesting!" The king said, "Oh? And what's that?" The child continued, "There's a cicada on that tree branch, happily singing its song. But it doesn't know that there's a mantis lurking behind, about to use its claws to capture the cicada. Moreover, the mantis doesn't know that there's a bird creeping behind, about to eat the mantis." The king said, "That's an interesting scene indeed." The child said, "But there's more! The bird doesn't realize that I'm down here, and just when the bird is distracted with eating the mantis, I can shoot it down! The mantis and bird are all too caught up in the immediate temptation in front of them that they can't see the broader danger lurking behind." The king suddenly realized why his ministers were so strongly opposed to his decision, and not wanting to be like the bird or mantis, he decided to call off the invasion. (Story Sources: 1, 2) Commentary There's a Chinese idiom that goes, "the mantis hunting the cicada", and it refers to this story. It describes people who are too tunnel-visioned into the temptation in front of them that they cannot see the broader dangers. It is fortunate that the King of Wu was able to realize his own mistake from the child's tactful advice; Otherwise, his greed and arrogance could have brought destruction to his country and citizens. This story is a great illustration of this quote: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also the effects on the greater whole." —Liao Fan's Four Lessons Although our situations are different from the King of Wu, we all need to guard against tunnel-visioning and arrogance. Wise people are humble. Wise people see the bigger picture and the long-term view. Wise people objectively consider other people's advice. Wise people give advice in a tactful manner that doesn't make the receiver feel disrespected. How could we be more wise today? Weekly Wisdom #275

Rules, punishments, and rewards are important for the proper and harmonious functioning of groups, as well as for our own behavior change. Image Source: Unsplash Recently, I was learning about the great sage kings of ancient China, one of them being Emperor Shun. In class, my teacher said that Emperor Shun was the first to establish severe punishments, such as amputating limbs and even the death sentence for breaking the law. He then asked us, "If Shun is so compassionate and virtuous, why would he implement such cruel punishments?" I had this exact question in my head at the time, and the class had a discussion. What do you think? My teacher explained that these severe punishments were for people who repeatedly committed extremely bad and severe crimes. A truly compassionate leader would not be biased towards any person. Instead, a leader needs to do what is best for the whole population in the long-term. This reminds me of a story from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons: "In the Ming Dynasty, there once was a prime minister named Wen-yi Lyu, who was a just and lawful man. When he grew old, he retired to his hometown, where he was loved and respected by all the people. Once, a drunken villager went to his home and proceeded to insult him. Mr. Lyu was not angered by his words but instead told his servant: "This man is drunk; let's not give him a hard time." With this, he closed the door and ignored the onslaught of insults. A year later, the same man committed a grave crime and was sent to jail with the death sentence. Upon hearing this, Mr. Lyu said with great remorse: "If I had taken him to the authorities for punishment that day when he came to insult me, perhaps this would not have happened. A little discipline then could have prevented the great harm done now, and might have saved him from certain death. At that time, I was only thinking of being kind, and unknowingly nurtured a daring and outrageous character. Since nothing came from his deed of insulting a prime minister, he grew bold and went on committing the crimes which later brought him the death penalty." From this story, we can see that if people commit crimes without any negative consequences, then they will grow bolder and commit even bigger crimes in the future. Moreover, other innocent citizens would get hurt and be unhappy to see these criminals not getting punished. Thus, punishment is necessary for proper functioning of society. The degree of punishment needs to match the severity of the crime, otherwise citizens will get upset and rebel. By establishing proper rules and punishments, not only do citizens feel like the leader is fair, but people are deterred from committing crimes due to fear of the punishments, resulting in broad, long-term benefit for society. Rewards are also helpful for incentivizing good behavior. This article will talk about enforcing rules for groups and for ourselves. Part 1: Enforcing Rules For Groups Most of us probably aren't emperors of a nation, but we might be leaders of a group, and wherever there's a group, there needs to be rules to facilitate harmony. For example, parents are leaders of a family, and families have house rules; teachers are leaders of a class, and schools have school rules; managers are leaders of a company, and companies have company policies. As leaders, we need to make sure our rules are fair and communicate the good intentions behind them. Even if we are subordinates, we should have some understanding of "fairness" and "proper punishment" so that if our leaders don't know, we can advise them. If we see others' bad behaviors, and we are not rule enforcers, we should not overstep our power and punish others. If we do, then we are clearly acting out of arrogance and anger. Instead, we should objectively report to the relevant leader for the sake of the group. Rules include both rewards and punishments. The purpose of rewards is to incentivize good behavior. However, we have to be careful. People should be doing these good behaviors because it's the right thing to do, not solely for the reward. That's why moral education is important. But sometimes, when people do the right thing, they don't get rewarded, while others who do bad things don't get punished. For example, someone who puts in extra effort doesn’t get recognized, while those who loaf don't get any punishments and even laugh at the diligent people. In this case, people will lose motivation to be good. That's why proper rewards and punishments are important. The purposes of punishments are to HELP the rule-breaker in the long term and to protect the bigger group. It is NOT to vent anger. If the leaders punish out of anger, then the group members will feel resentment. If resentment accumulates, the people will eventually overthrow the leader. But if the rules are too lax, or if other people feel that leaders are unfairly biased towards certain people, the people will also accumulate resentment. Thus, we can see the importance of fairness in punishment. So what is fair punishment? In class, my teacher mentioned many factors to consider: Did they break the rule intentionally or unintentionally? Is this a first time offense or a repeat offense? Is this a once-in-a-while offense or a frequent offense? Do they feel remorse for the offense? It's better to be more strict rather than lax when establishing rules and punishments because you can always loosen rules later, and people will be happy. But if the rules are too lax at the beginning, then we make them more strict, people will be unhappy and push back. It's also good to get people's input into the rule-making process because people will more easily accept rules if they had input. At the same time, we shouldn't be afraid to "be the bad guy" and establish a necessary rule that people don't like because other people might be biased and only think for themselves. A necessary rule is one that is good for the greater whole in the long-term. 1.1: Intentional Vs. Unintentional If they broke the rule unintentionally, obviously the punishment should be lower. But we also need to know why they didn't know about the rule. Is it because the leaders didn't communicate with them? Or is it because they didn't pay attention to the communications? Or is it because the communication only happened recently, and people haven't had time to adjust to the new rules yet? If they broke the rules intentionally, then the punishment would be more severe. We also need to communicate with them to understand why they would choose to break the rule. After all, if we can be a good person that everyone likes, who would willingly choose to be a rule-breaker that people hate? Perhaps it's just their habit, in which case a heavier punishment might help them have more motivation to improve. If they have extenuating circumstances, perhaps the punishment could be lightened. 1.2: First-Time Vs. Repeat We are all human, and we all make mistakes. If it's a first-time offense, the punishment should obviously be lighter than repeat offenses. Punishment also needs to get more severe as the number of occurrences increase. In the world of Human Resources, this concept is called progressive discipline. For example, we might give them a warning the first time, then a meeting with the leader the second time, and then a serious consequence the third time. A truly compassionate leader would also work with the person to create a plan for how to improve their behavior and prevent repeat offenses. For example, if someone is often late, we could have a discussion to find a suitable solution. Perhaps they could set an alarm clock, or sleep earlier, or find a buddy to call them beforehand. Although the fear of punishment is an effective motivator, we can also pair the desire for rewards. For example, we can say, "If you are on time for one week in a row, you get a small reward." Desiring a reward is a more positive motivator than fear of punishment, and offering both rewards and punishments show that we are caring and unbiased. 1.3: Once-In-A-While Vs. Frequent Similar to first-time versus repeat, if this offense only happens once-in-a-while, we can be more lenient in the punishment. But if it happens frequently, then we need to have a serious conversation and establish a plan for behavior change. As mentioned earlier, habits are hard to change, and establishing larger punishments and rewards can be helpful. 1.4: Remorse Vs. No Remorse If they feel remorse for what they did, then we can give a lighter punishment. After all, the whole point of punishment is to teach them right and wrong and to deter them from committing the offense in the future. If they already feel remorse, then our goal is already achieved. Of course, there are varying levels of remorse, and the leader needs to judge how strong the person's remorse actually is. Part 2: Enforcing Rules for Self The above all talk about how to establish and enforce rules for others. As an enforcer, we need to aim for fairness and even err slightly to the side of tolerance. But what about rules for ourselves? Establishing rules for ourselves is very important for habit change. The Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself. My mentor also said, "The reason many of us struggle to change our bad habits is because we are too lenient towards ourselves." For example, I had some students who often come late to morning class because they woke up late. I told them, "How about you send a really embarrassing picture of yourself to your friend. If you are late next time, your friend gets to share that embarrassing picture on social media." The response I usually get: Obviously, I can't force them, but I bet if they really did it, they wouldn't dare to be late again. The school has a progressive discipline system, so if they are late three times, they have to meet with the principal, and the principal might communicate with their parents. For rewards, we use them at the beginning to help us change. But once the behavior becomes more natural, we should reduce the reward and eventually eliminate it. After all, the real benefit should come from the good behavior, and that benefit should be enough in itself to keep us motivated. Something I learned before is that Memory = Frequency X Intensity. This is true not just for our memory, but also for our muscle memory and habits. For example, I have a bad habit of complaining. In the past, I did the 21-Day No Complaint Challenge. Every time I complain, I get a punishment (I have to start over from day 1). Since the frequency of my complaints is so high, I am able to see noticeable results. As my streak increases, the punishment for complaining increases (I don’t want to start over from Day 1), which increases my vigilance. On the rewards side, the size of the reward needs to be proportional to the accomplishment. I can set a small reward (e.g., my favorite chocolate bar) if I complete 3 days, a bigger reward at 10 days (e.g., watch my favorite movie), and the main reward at 21-Days (the satisfaction of completing the challenge). But once the non-complaining habit is well-developed, I don't need rewards to keep motivating me. The benefit of not feeling the urge to complain is the main reward. When it comes to habit change, most of us are averse to big punishments, so we can try smaller punishments first. But if these small punishments aren't creating results, then we need to try big punishments. For example, if I'm doing the 21 Day No Complaint Challenge, and I keep losing before day 5, then I could try a big punishment: run for 1 hour if I complain. If I complain again, run for two hours. After that run, I will have a deep memory of the pain of complaining, and I will have much more alertness to not complain. Important note: A big punishment is NOT the same as abusing oneself. It's not meant to make you feel like trash. The punishment should be a healthy punishment. For example, going for a run is actually good for my health. Another example is eating a bowl of healthy food that doesn’t taste good. Another important note: It's usually a bad idea to rush change. Just as our body posture takes time to develop and change, so too do our habits. If we are rushed for quick results, we might change quickly, but that change won't last long. Soon, we become tired or unhappy, and then we swing back to our old habits. That's why progressive discipline is important: use a big punishment after smaller punishments have failed. Conclusion Rules, punishments, and rewards are all important to the harmonious functioning of groups and society. They are also important for our own habit change. When establishing and enforcing rules for a group, it's extremely important to be fair and unbiased. When establishing rules for ourselves, we should also follow progressive discipline, and we shouldn't shy away from big punishments if smaller ones have failed. Weekly Wisdom #274