"Improvement is like sailing against the tide. If you're not moving forward, you're being pushed backwards." —Chinese idiom A key insight from this idiom is that we need to put conscious effort into our improvement every day; otherwise, we will unconsciously degenerate! I reflected on some examples for myself: If I don't consciously try to improve my humility, then I will habitually use ego to interact with others, and my ego will grow. If I don't consciously try to improve my carefulness, then I will habitually make careless errors, and my carelessness will grow. If I stop writing for a while, then my writing skills will definitely deteriorate. If I stop exercising for a while, then my muscle gains will disappear and my energy levels will reduce. In my experience, most people would agree that self-improvement is important, but very few people deeply believe it and act on that belief. I think it's similar to exercise. Most people would agree that exercise is important, but many of us don't have a regular exercise routine. I'm certainly not criticizing people, as I have this exact problem. Rather, this is a reminder to myself and to all of us that we must not lost sight of the important things due to distraction with unimportant things. Part 1: The Importance Of Self-Improvement Although we intuitively know that self-improvement is good for us, it's helpful to get more specific and clear on the benefits. The clearer our goal, the stronger our motivation. Thus, I briefly summarized four benefits of self-improvement: Prevent problems Gain joy Relationship harmony Career success Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 1.1: Prevent Problems In The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey talks about four types of activities: Important and urgent (e.g., emergencies) Important but not urgent (e.g., exercise, learning, self-improvement, planning for the future) Not important but urgent (e.g., phone call, doorbell) Unimportant and not urgent (e.g., mindlessly scrolling through social media) Image Source A key idea from the book is to do more of the important but non-urgent things, and in doing so, we not only feel more productive, but we prevent emergencies from arising. For example, if we take care of our health by exercising and sleeping well, we can prevent a health emergency. If we are constantly improving our character, we can prevent relationship disasters. 1.2: Gain Joy Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day." It's human nature to find enjoyment in self-improvement. Think back to a time you learned something useful or conquered a difficulty. Didn't it feel great? Modern psychology also teaches us to leave our comfort zone and go into the growth zone. Staying in the comfort zone will make us feel stagnant. Living in the growth zone might feel a little uncomfortable, but we will gain us a sense of accomplishment. Of course, don't go overboard into the panic zone. 1.3: Relationship Harmony Self-improvement is not just for ourselves, it's also important for other people. Some people think, "I don't care if other people are unhappy. The important thing is that I am happy." What they don’t realize is that humans are social creatures who get heavily influenced by each other. If you are happy, but the people around you are unhappy, how long do you think you can remain happy? No one is perfect, and our faults cause trouble to others. If we make others unhappy due to our faults, that will eventually come back to us. If we can improve our character and virtues, then the people around us will be happier. Since we all get influenced by the people around us, when we make others happy, we feel happy too. And when we improve our virtues, others will get inspired too. 1.4: Career Success Self-improvement is not just for good feels, it's also important for our work and career. According to the World Economic Forum, 94% of business leaders believe that lifelong learning and upskilling are crucial for long-term success. As motivational speaker Alan Zimmerman often says, "How do you expect to accomplish tomorrow’s goals with yesterday’s skills?" Highly successful people all invest time and money into improving themselves. While many of us seek entertainment as a way to relax or pass time, highly successful people use their free time to learn. They viewing learning as a way to take a break. After we gain more clarity on why self-improvement is important to myself specifically, we will have more motivation to invest time and energy into it. But we also need to be thoughtful about what exactly we choose to improve. Part 2: Areas Of Self-Improvement Broadly speaking, we can categorize self-improvement into two areas: character and abilities. Which should come first? In The Great Learning, Confucius said, "One with virtues will gain people. One with people will gain land. One with land will gain wealth. One with wealth will gain utility. Virtues are the root. Wealth is the result." (Original Text: 有德此有人，有人此有土，有土此有財，有財此有用。德者本也，財者末也 。) In other words, we should focus on cultivating our character first. That means cultivating virtues like respect, consideration, humility, and wisdom. It also means eliminating vices like anger, greed, arrogance, and laziness. For more on this topic, check out my book summary on Guide To A Happy Life. This doesn't mean that we don't invest in improving our skills and abilities, it just means that they come after. It's like building a house. We have to build the first floor (character) before we build the second floor (abilities). If we build the second floor on top of a weak first floor, then the whole building might collapse at the slightest wind. A famous Chinese historian, Si Ma Guang, observed the rise and fall of dynasties in China, and he wrote, "To have the utmost abilities and virtues is to be a sage. To lack both abilities and virtues is to be useless. To have more virtues than abilities is to be a Great Person (Junzi). To have more abilities than virtues is to be a Petty Person (Xiaoren). In hiring, if we cannot find a sage, then hire a Great Person. If we have to choose between a useless person and a Petty Person, it's better to choose the useless person… From history, we can see that ministers who wreck the government and children who ruin the clan are all people with an excess of ability and lack of virtues." (Original Text: 是故才德全盡謂之聖人，才德兼亡謂之愚人，德勝才謂之君子，才勝德謂之小人。凡取人之術，苟不得聖人、君子而與之，與其得小人，不若得愚人。凡取人之術，苟不得聖人、君子而與之，與其得小人，不若得愚人…自古昔以來，國之亂臣，家之敗子，才有餘而德不足。) (Translation Note: The terms Junzi and Xiaoren are difficult terms to translate because they have different meanings in different contexts. Generally speaking, a Junzi is someone with great moral cultivation, while a Xiaoren is someone without great virtues and often has many vices.) Think about it, if someone is extremely talented, but he is very arrogant and has a quick temper, would you want to hire him and work with him? This is why interviewers will ask questions related to how we handle conflicts and difficulty. The worst are the people with great ability but no morality. A person with no morality and no ability might want to do immoral things, but they lack ability, so they can't cause any harm. A person with no morality but high ability can cause a lot of harm. Thus, virtues comes before abilities. Now that we've looked at the importance of self-improvement and the difference between virtues and abilities, we can talk about some obstacles to self-improvement. By overcoming these obstacles, our self-improvement will be much smoother, like sailing on calm waters. Part 3: Obstacles To Self-Improvement The question of how to improve ourselves is quite simple: Cultivate virtues and abilities. Eliminate vices and deficiencies. Moreover we should start with our biggest problem because that will reap the greatest benefit. The question of obstacles to self-improvement is perhaps more insightful. My mentor once asked, "Why is it that some people spent decades learning about self-improvement, but they barely have any improvement? Or worse, their relationships got worse? It's very important to be identify and eliminate the obstacles to our improvement." There isn't one standard answer, but I've reflected on some major obstacles: Blaming others Self-deception Ego Blind spots Aversion to discomfort Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 3.1: Blaming Others This is the biggest obstacle that my mentor talked about. The great Chinese philosopher Mencius said, "When your efforts do not reap your expected results, reflect on yourself." (Original Text: 行有不得者，皆反求諸己 。) In other words, don't blame other people or outside circumstances. Immature children blame others. Mature people take responsibility for their situation even if they are not fully at fault. Although other people and external circumstances are certainly factors to our results, we cannot control them. If we want to be effective, we need to put our attention and energy on what we can control: ourselves. There's no way we have zero contribution to our result. It's much more likely that we are the biggest contributor to our problem. If we have this attitude, then we will improve in the face of every problem, and the frequency of problems will reduce. All the wise philosophers of the past urge us to seek inwards not outwards. The stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Today I escaped from the crush of circumstances, or better put, I threw them out, for the crush wasn't from outside me but in my own assumptions." We often think that other people frustrate us, or that circumstances trouble us. But we must remember that we always have the choice to choose our response. After all, someone else in our exact circumstances might not get upset, so the problem is not the external circumstances, it's our thinking. For example, if we treat others nicely, but they don't respond well in return, it's easy to blame the other person as just rude or uncaring. If we do that, we've just degraded because we've increased the habit of blaming others. Instead, we can reflect on ourselves: Did I treat this person unkindly in the past? Have I built enough trust with this person? Am I impatient for quick results? Am I sincere with my kindness, or do I have ulterior motives? People can sense insincerity. Although I view my actions as kind, do they view it as kind? Do I really understand them? Or am I just assuming negative intentions from them? When we can always reflect on ourselves in the face of problems, our rate of self-improvement will skyrocket. 3.2: Self-Deception This is another extremely big obstacle. It's when we know in the back of our minds that something is bad, but we sweet talk ourselves into doing it anyway. Or others tell us that we have a problem, but we refuse to acknowledge it. Consider these examples: Someone tells me I am arrogant or have a bad temper, and I say, "No I don't. I'm way better than the average person." I know I probably shouldn't start playing on my phone, but I tell myself, "It's OK, I already worked for an hour, I'll just play for five minutes." An hour later, I think, "OMG how did I spend so much time on my phone!" Everyone tells me that it's not a good idea, but I just really want to do it, so I find all the reasons I can to support my idea. In order to overcome self-deception, we need to be humble and take other people's criticisms seriously. What do the people closest to you often complain about you? We might think, "They're just complainers." That would be self-deception. We are our true selves towards the people closest to us, so if they complain that we have a certain problem, then it's probably true! It would be much more mature and humble to say, "Thank you for pointing out my problem. I will work on it in this way. I hope you can support me and be patient with me throughout the process." When we want to do something, but others disapprove, we can meditate on our intentions and ask ourselves, "Is my intention purely good? Did I mix in any selfishness or ego?" As long as we have a purely good intention, we can have a clear conscience even if the result didn't turn out as hoped. Self-deception, if not tampered, can grow into deceiving others. For example, we might put on an appearance of diligence in front of others, but when no one is watching, we waste time doing inappropriate things. In the back of our mind, we will be constantly worried about being exposed. When others ask about the matter, we nervously make up half-truth-half-lies to cover up our inappropriate behavior. It's an extremely exhausting way to live, and it's not worth it! 3.3: Ego In his book Principles, billionaire Ray Dalio talks about two obstacles to our improvement: ego and blind spots. He defines the ego barrier as "your subliminal defense mechanisms that make it hard for you to accept your mistakes and weaknesses." He also gives us a pep talk: "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them." There is also a common Chinese saying that goes, "We are not sages or saints, so how can we not have any faults? To have faults and be able to correct them, that is the greatest goodness." An important point here is that we shouldn't feel arrogant (I have nothing to improve) nor should we feel self-depreciating (I'm the worst). Humility is found in the middle. Humility is seeing that we have many faults, feeling relieved that we know our faults, and then taking action to improve. Don't dwell in negative emotions; channel that energy into productive action. 3.4: Blind Spots Blind spots are problems that we don't even realize we have. It's like having a dirty spot on our face but not knowing because we cannot see our face. Fortunately, other people can usually see our blind spots and problems. There is a common Chinese idiom that goes, "The audience sees the game clearer than the players." That's because when we are in the midst of a messy situation, we are very emotional. A neutral third party can come in without any emotional baggage, so they can think about the situation rationally and without bias or worry. This is why before I make major decisions, I ask a neutral and wise third party, such as my mentor, for advice. It's great to ask others for advice and feedback, but if we want others to tell us the truth, we need to be humble and appreciative towards criticism. Even better, we can proactively ask others for feedback on how we can improve. If they don’t say anything the first time, it might be because they are afraid of offending us. If so, we can try again a few more times. Once they realize our sincerity, they will be willing to speak the truth. Also, it’s important to study self-improvement texts and often reflect on them. Learning is a great way to discover our problems. If we don’t take initiative to learn, then it's hard to realize our problems. 3.5: Aversion To Discomfort Let's face it: correcting faults and bad habits is not easy nor comfortable! It's kind of like exercising. We don't want to do it at first, it feels uncomfortable during the process, but we feel great afterwards. Self-improvement is the same! Thus, we can remind ourselves: "Short-term pain for long-term gain." For example, I usually don't feel like going for a run beforehand, and even during the run it feels difficult, but I keep going because I know I'll feel a sense of accomplishment afterwards, and I'll have peace of mind knowing that I'm taking care of my health. Also, it's usually not as bad as I expected after I get started. After running for a few weeks, I noticed my energy levels improved, and I believe it's related to running, which gives me even more motivation to continue this healthy habit. For more on building healthy habits, check out this article. Similarly, I used to always have the urge to win arguments, but I know that if I let arrogance take over, then even if I win in the short-term, I lose in the long-term because of relationship tension. By training myself to value harmony and humility above being right, and this is a very strenuous process, I gain much more happiness and a sense of accomplishment in the long-term. Our ability to forego short-term pleasure, or to endure short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain, is one trait that makes humans superior to animals. Let's make good use of that trait in our self-improvement journey! Conclusion Self-improvement is not just a nice-to-have thing that we can think about in our free time. It's an essential matter for our happiness, relationships, and career success. But the journey of self-improvement is like riding a bike uphill. If we're not advancing, we're going to slip backwards. Thus, we need to make conscious effort to continuously improve. On the journey, we need to be wary of major obstacles, such as blaming others, self-deception, ego, blind spots, and aversion to discomfort. Of course, we may slip once in a while, and that's OK. The important thing is we get back up and keep moving forward. Do you have any other tips? Feel free to share in the comments! For more on how to practice self-improvement, check out these articles: Make a To-Be List How To Do Daily Self Reflection Effectively Guide To A Happy Life - Book Summary (Final Section) Weekly Wisdom #272

It's the end of another year! I am busier than usual during this holiday time because I'm taking an online course from China, and they don't celebrate Christmas or January 1, so I actually class on both these days. In fact, I had a big assignment due on December 31. But regardless of how busy we are, we should make time for some year-end reflection! This year, I have four big learnings: Memento Mori / cherish time Overcoming anger Relationship intelligence Decision Making Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 1: Memento Mori / Cherish Time I am a big fan of Stoicism, and a core idea in Stoicism is Memento Mori, which means "being mindful of death". I even have a Memento Mori necklace. When we remember that we can die at any moment, we wouldn't take our time or loved ones for granted. Instead, we would use our time to do what really matters, and we would let our loved ones know that we love them. At the end of September, my grandmother in China suddenly got injured really badly. She was afraid she might pass away, so she called me and my parents and asked me to come as soon as possible. My parents and I rushed over. Fortunately, she is much better now and is on an improving trend. I ended up spending a couple months with my grandmother, and I really cherished that time with her. I seized opportunities to talk with her, to do stuff with her, or just to sit by her side. As a result, we are much closer, and I have peace of mind knowing that I didn't waste my time with her. Recently, a friend told me his dad suddenly got critically ill. Looking back, he wished he had spent more quality time with his dad. None of us can guarantee that we or our loved ones will still be here tomorrow, so we should express our love frequently, and if we have conflict, we should try to end each day on good terms. This year, I also watched a great movie called Soul, which I wrote about here. Image Source A core message in the movie is to cherish the small things in daily life, whether it's a simple meal, or a soft breeze, or a nice song. Happiness is dependent on our attitude, and when we have an attitude of gratitude, when we cherish every moment, we will naturally be happier. 2: Overcoming Anger As I review my blog topics over this past year, I noticed that I wrote quite a lot on overcoming anger, such as How to not get upset and misunderstandings and criticisms The more you assert you’re right, the more wrong you become Why bad guys get along Getting angry feels terrible afterwards, so I will reflect and maybe write a blog article afterwards. This year, I realized that one of my big anger triggers is being misunderstood and unfairly criticized by my mother specifically. If it's other people, I don't take it too seriously because I don't expect them to understand my situation, nor do I expect them to be humble and careful with their speech. But I think that my mother should understand me, that she should ask me about my situation before criticizing, and that she should know I'm a very logical and careful person. Ancient philosophers all teach us that the root of our suffering is demands towards outside factors, which are uncontrollable by ourselves. I can't control other people, so when I have demands towards how they should think or behave, and then they don't meet my demands, I get upset. In order to let go of this demand, I need to understand the other person, to see that their behavior is actually very reasonable. For example, I noticed that pretty much all parents will misunderstand and criticize their children. My mother is already a lot better than most parents, and I am very grateful for that.  This year, I realized that just because someone is very close to you and knows you very well, it doesn't mean they should not misunderstand you. People are complex, situations are complex, everything is always changing, and communication gets forgotten, so even with people who should know us well, misunderstandings are bound to happen. Now that I realize this, I shouldn't get so upset or surprised when misunderstandings happen, and I should practice responding to misunderstandings in a calm and caring manner. When I think from a parent's perspective, I doubt any parent intentionally wants to make their child feel wrongfully criticized. They're not thinking, "Today, I'm going to jump to a conclusion and take the risk of unfairly criticizing my child! Because…why not?" Usually, what happens is they see our behavior, and then they get worried. If they get too worried, they'll become emotional and irrational, and then start complaining or criticizing. I know firsthand that it's hard to remain rational when we have strong emotions like worry, so I should be more understanding. There's a common saying in Confucianism that goes, "When things don't go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself." In other words, I am responsible for my situation, not other people, so I need to figure out what I did wrong to result in this conflict. There's no way they are 100% at fault. After more reflection on the times I got angry this year, I've noticed two types of situations that lead to me feeling wronged and then angry. The first type is when small worries accumulate in my mother, and I don't notice. At the beginning, my mother doesn't say anything, but she is slightly worried. Once the accumulation reaches a tipping point, she criticizes and complains a lot, and then I feel wronged because it seems to me like her anger came out of nowhere. So the problem is that I am not sensitive enough to her feelings, and I don't think about how she might interpret certain actions or events that I think are fine. Hence, I need to practice thinking from other people's perspective more. The second type of situation is when I make what seems to be a logical decision, but there was an unexpected negative outcome due to factors I didn't know about, and then my mom criticizes my judgment. I feel wronged because I think "You shouldn't blame people for not knowing what they didn't know. I already considered all the factors I knew at the time, what more can I do?" But this is rather immature. Mature people don't argue blame, mature people take responsibility for the situation even if they are not to blame, and they focus on solving the problem rather than arguing who caused or didn't cause the problem. A mature person would also be able to affirm himself rather than seeking affirmation from others. If I were more mature, I would think, "It's OK, I know I made the best decision using what I knew at the time. If others doubt my judgment, that's normal because they can't read my mind, and they don't know my reasons for making that decision. I don't need others' affirmations to have a good conscience." Then I would be able to remain calm, which would influence my mother to calm down too. If I argue blame, I seem emotional, which then makes my mother worry even more about my judgment, so she criticizes more. Therefore, I need to improve my maturity, to take responsibility for things that aren't directly my fault, and to remain calm when facing unexpected problems. 3: Relationship Intelligence Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” But oftentimes, relationships are complicated, messy, and troublesome. That's why it's so important that we continuously improve our relationship intelligence. The worst is when we have good intentions, but we end up creating conflict. Isn't that just so unfair? But we shouldn't blame others for not seeing our good intentions, we should blame ourselves for lacking sensitivity and relationship intelligence. We are all human, so we will all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn and improve from each mistake. This year, I learned that before doing what we think is a favor for someone, we should check if they actually want it. And before asking others to do something that we think is good for them, we should consider their ability and time first. I wrote more about this topic here: Don’t let your good intentions trouble others. Another situation is giving advice. No one is perfect, and when we see other people's problems, we will probably want to advise them. This year, I even had a fellow teacher ask me for advice. Unfortunately, my advice caused some conflict. Later, I learned that when giving advice, it's really important to be humble and not pushy. If we believe that we are definitely right, that they are definitely wrong, then when we give the advice, we will seem arrogant. No one likes an arrogant person, so they might resist our advice not because the advice is bad, but because they don't like our arrogant manner. In order to be more humble when giving advice, we should remember that we can't understand all the minute details of their situation because every person's situation is extremely complex. If we cannot understand all the minute details, then we really can't be so confident that our advice will be very helpful. Moreover, there are plenty of better people out there with better advice than I could give, so I shouldn't feel like my advice is excellent, it's simply the best advice that I can give. I wrote more on this topic here: Don't be so sure of yourself. Some other blog articles from this year related to relationship intelligence include Notice others' good intentions When you don’t get the results you want, reflect on yourself How to trouble others politely The subtle art of gift giving 4: Decision Making Aside from happy relationships, the ability to make good decisions is another extremely important key to a good life. As billionaire investor Ray Dalio said, "The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your decisions." This year, I compiled six principles for making effective decisions, which I wrote about here. Out of these six, the one that I think about the most is this one: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." —Liao Fan's Four Lessons Another realization I had is that what might seem like a small decision in the moment can end up having big consequences, so it's important to be cautious and thoughtful even with seemingly small decisions. That means considering side effects, long-term effects, and effects on other people. For example, after arriving at my grandmother's place, I grew some itchy spots on my leg. I think it might be an allergic reaction to food, but I don't know which food, so I need to be very cautious about what I eat. When relatives come over and offer me foods that I usually don't eat, I can feel tempted and even pressured to eat some, but I need to be wise. If I eat them for the sake of being polite, then although I might have created short-term benefit (they are happy I ate it), I might create bigger long-term harm (I grow more itchy spots, I am uncomfortable all day, and my productivity goes down), and it might trouble others (my family members get worried, they have to find medicine for me, and the food giver feels guilty for unintentionally harming me). In the past, I wouldn't even think of these things. I'd probably just eat it…Now that I've learned this principle, I can be much wiser and more thoughtful in decisions. To be clear, this doesn't mean I don't eat any at all. One of my key learnings from 2022 is to follow The Middle Way, which teaches us to avoid extremes and to find the appropriate amount or balance. I can eat a small bit to be polite, and then wait and see if my body has a reaction. If there is a reaction, it won't be too much since I ate such a small amount, and I'll know not to eat it next time. If there isn't a reaction, then I can eat more next time, though I shouldn't increase the dosage too much. Following the Middle Way is another aspect of wisdom. From this example, we can see that even small decisions require deep wisdom. Conclusion My mentor often says, "Are you truly living life, or are you just letting life slip by?" For me, I think one indicator that I am consciously living my life is that I keep learning and improving, and I definitely had that in 2023. On a day to day basis, there's going to be progression and regression, but I hope that my overall change at the end of each year is an improvement. 2024 is a leap year, so let's all leap to new bounds this year! Weekly Wisdom #270

Icon Sources: 1, 2 Have you ever been mistreated by someone and wanted revenge? Perhaps "revenge" is a heavy word, but have you been dissatisfied with others' behavior and wanted them to get a feel of their own treatment? Or when someone caused you trouble, you want to cause them trouble in return? Below are a few stories I've heard where the main character was faced with extremely unfair treatment, but the way they handled the situation was very admirable. Story 1: Yanshan Dou Yanshan Dou (窦燕山) was a famous hero of the Five Dynasties period (907-960) in China's history. His family was wealthy and had many servants. (For context, it was common for wealthy people to employ servants back then). One servant stole a large amount of money from them. This servant then ran away and left his 12-year old daughter there. He also left a note saying "I sell my daughter to you to return my debt." When Yanshan saw this situation, he didn't get angry at this servant or seek revenge. He didn't send people to catch the servant, nor did he abuse the young girl. Instead, he felt sorrow for this young girl. He immediately burned the slip of paper and took the girl in as his own daughter. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 He told his wife, "Let's raise this girl properly. Once she grows up, we can find a good family for her to marry into." (For context, it was normal for parents to arrange marriage for children back then). After this girl grew up, Yanshan found a virtuous husband for her and paid for her marriage expenses. When the servant father found out about this, he felt deeply moved and ashamed. He came back to Yanshan's house and cried while apologizing for his past wrongdoing. Yanshan didn't scold him, but instead urged him to turn over a new leaf. The servant's entire family was endlessly grateful towards Yanshan, so they put his picture on a table, and every morning, they made food offerings to the picture as a way to express their gratitude. Story 2: Sen Ma's Father During the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644) of China's history, there was a person named Sen Ma (马森) who was the Minister of Education. His birth is related to returning vice with virtue. In ancient China, people cared heavily about having a son to pass on the family lineage. It was one of the most important things in a person's lifetime. If a person did not manage to have a son, it was a very shameful thing. Sen's parents struggled to have a son, and they finally managed to have one at age 40. We can imagine how elated they must have been. Not just the parents, but the whole family was greatly relieved and joyous. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 The family was decently wealthy, so they had some servants. One day, Sen's father was out with a servant girl. The servant girl was carrying the baby, but she accidentally dropped the baby from a high place. The baby fell head first onto the ground and died. We can only imagine how Sen's father must have felt. He's already 40, and he finally got a son, and this son is the whole family's treasure and future hope, and this servant girl carelessly killed his son. Any normal person would feel rage, sorrow, and shock. But Sen's father was a compassionate person. Despite the pain of losing the family's treasured baby, he told the servant girl to run away. After all, if the family found out, they would probably kill this girl. But his son is already dead. Killing this girl is just adding more unnecessary suffering and killing. He probably also empathized with the girl and knew she felt extremely scared and guilty. Thus, he gave her a chance to escape. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 He then carried the dead baby home and told his wife, "I was not careful and accidentally dropped our baby, and now he's dead." As expected, his wife was extremely upset. She even tackled him with her whole body. Soon, she noticed the servant girl wasn't there, and suspected that perhaps it was the servant girl's fault, but the father wouldn't admit it. The servant girl ran home and told her parents what had happened. The family was extremely grateful to Sen's father for sparing their daughter's life. They prayed every day hoping the Heavens would give the Ma family another son. One year later, they indeed had another son, and this son had a birthmark on his forehead where the previous son got injured. They named this son Sen. Sen grew up to be an extremely virtuous and successful person. Story 3: Dean Lung In the 19th century, there was a person named Dean Lung (丁龙), who was a Chinese immigrant to America. He ended up being hired as a servant to a wealthy person named Horace Carpentier, who was a lawyer and the first mayor of Oakland, California. Image Sources: 1, 2 Horace had a very bad temper. One time, when he got drunk, he beat his servants and fired all of them. His servants were very resentful towards their mean master, so they all left. The next morning, when Horace woke up, he was surprised to see Dean still there. Moreover, Dean had already prepared breakfast for him. Horace felt ashamed for treating such a good person so badly. He then asked Dean why he didn't leave with the other servants. Dean replied, "Although it's true that you have a terrible temper, I still believe that you are a good person. Moreover, Confucius taught that we need to be faithful and dutiful to our leaders, so I am still here to fulfill my duty to you." Carpentier said, "You must have been very well-educated before coming to America." Dean replied, "Actually, I'm illiterate." Carpentier said, "Seriously? Then your parents and grandparents must have been well-educated." Dean replied, "Actually, they're illiterate too. I just learn from the role modeling of my elders. Our Chinese culture is very virtuous." Carpentier was quite moved by Dean's goodness, and he vowed to correct his temper problem. Dean continued working faithfully for Carpentier for many years. When Dean grew old, he told his master that he wanted to retire and return home to China. Carpentier was very grateful to Dean for contributing decades of his life serving him so faithfully, thus he asked Dean, "Is there anything I can do for you to express my gratitude?" Dean declined his master's offer, but Carpentier insisted, "I really mean it. Anything at all." Dean then took out his life savings from decades of working as a servant and gave it to his master. He said, "This is all the money I could save over the years. Could you help me donate it to a good American university and ask them to establish a Chinese studies department to research China's culture?" Carpentier was again very touched. His servant didn't ask for a big pension payment, but instead entrusted him with his life savings to do a good deed. He also believed that Chinese culture must be worth studying if someone like Dean is the result of it. Thus, he accepted Dean's request. Dean's savings were only $12000, which wasn't nearly enough to fulfill his wish. Carpentier then donated an additional $226000 to establish the first Department of Chinese Studies at Columbia University. Commentary It seems humans have a natural tendency to want to "return the favor", no matter if it is help or hurt. It's great that we naturally want to return others' gratitude and help. When we hold feelings of gratitude in our heart, we gain happiness and motivation. On the other hand, it's quite harmful and unwise to want to return others' wrongdoings. In my own experience, I know in my logical mind that it's harmful to want revenge, but my emotional mind still has that urge. It's precisely because this is a natural tendency that we need to be extra vigilant towards this problem. Then we can prevent rash behavior and tragic outcomes. If we can always think of others' gratitude and let go of resentment, then our good character would be able to move and inspire others, just like Dean Lung. We should reflect deeply on why it's harmful to want revenge. The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "There is no more stupefying thing than anger, nothing more bent on its own strength. If successful, none more arrogant, if foiled, none more insane--since it's not driven back by weariness even in defeat, when fortune removes its adversary it turns its teeth on itself." Holding feelings of anger or resentment is like holding onto burning fire. We get hurt first. Indeed, those who get angry easily are more likely to have heart problems and age faster. Anger also burns innocent people around us. For example, when Sen's mother let her emotions take over, she tackled her husband! Similarly, when we are in a bad mood, we treat our loved ones badly too. Then they feel mistreated, and more conflict arises. Moreover, if we get revenge on the other person, the other person (and their family and friends) will want revenge again. For example, if Sen's family killed the servant girl, then the servant's family might hate Sen's family and try to cause them trouble. It's a negative cycle that can only lead to a tragic ending. So what should we do instead? The Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "The best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that." The Daoist sage Laozi said something very similar: "Return vice with virtue." In other words, be the greater person. Take the high way. Only people of low virtues would treat others badly. If we treat others badly because they treated us badly first, then we are stooping to their level. Imagine if a little kid starts a ruckus. If we start arguing or fighting with the child, then our maturity level is the same as that child! A truly mature adult wouldn't fight with the child, but would instead exert a calm, caring, and strong energy that can calm the child down. Afterwards, that child would admire the adult and want to be like him or her. Similarly, if we despise someone for their vice, or on a lighter scale, if we dislike the treatment that someone gave us, we shouldn't give them a taste of their own medicine. If we do, then we've just dropped to their level. If we can return their vice with virtue, then we've elevated ourselves, and they will have a good role model to emulate. This last point is very important. People all have innate goodness. For example, if we see a baby fall off a tree, we'd all naturally try to catch and save that baby. But due to life's hardships and suffering, we might lose touch with our innate goodness. Seeing good role models can help us to bring out our innate goodness again. That's exactly what happened to Yanshan's servant and to Dean Lung's master. From these stories, we can also see that big mistreatments can lead to big changes in the "villain" once the villain feels moved by a good role model. The villain then turns over a new leaf and becomes a hero, as was the case with Carpentier. This is a great example of how returning vice with virtue leads to win-win. My Experience I remember in the past, my neighbor's father would smoke on the driveway. Afterwards, he'd just drop the cigarette butt on the ground. Since our driveways are linked, the wind would blow those cigarette butts to our driveway. My mother was very annoyed at this, so she asked the neighbor to please put the cigarette butts in a garbage bin. However, nothing changed. One day, my mother was complaining again. I decided to go out with a broom and garbage bin and start sweeping all the cigarette butts. After I finished our driveway, I decided to sweep their driveway too. When my neighbor saw this, she ran out of her house and said, "Oh I'm so sorry for the trouble. I'll remind my father again." I then said, "No worries. You can take this garbage bin and let him use it." She said, "It's OK, I have a garbage bin. I'll remind him to use it." The problem was fixed. If we kept complaining, the neighbors might oppose us and continue to litter just because they don't like us. But because we treated them with respect and kindness, they felt bad and changed. Another time during the COVID years, my school principal said that the upcoming semester would be all online courses. Thus, I made some plans accordingly. A few weeks into the semester, my principal said that we all need to return to the school to teach even though no students are there. I was quite upset that they went back on their word. I even contemplated just saying "No". At the time, I asked my mentor for advice, and he told me, "You can't do bad just because others do bad. The most important thing is that you do the right thing regardless of what others do. Remember that karma is always fair." In other words, I should be a dutiful employee even if my leader didn't keep a promise. Thus, I went through the hassle of going to school just to teach online classes even though I could save a lot of time and trouble if I just taught at home. I guess my principal must have gained more respect and gratitude towards me because at the beginning, other teachers didn't show up, but I did. In the semester following, I made a special request that was a bit of a hassle for the school, but the principal agreed. I believe part of the reason is because I was willing to endure trouble for the school in the past. Conclusion It's great that humans want to return gratitude, but from a long-term perspective, it's not very optimal to want to return hurt. Moreover, if we return vice with vice, then we've stooped to the level of the person we disapprove of. That's quite a shame. If we can be the bigger person and return vice with virtue, as we've seen in the above three stories, then we can turn an unfavorable situation into a win-win situation. When was a time you were mistreated? How might you return vice with virtue next time? Weekly Wisdom #269

Icon Sources: Flaticon We all want to live in a happy, peaceful, and prosperous world. In advanced countries, people are materially wealthy. We have good living standards, advanced technology, and easy access to food, education, and healthcare. But our world is facing many severe problems too. Part 1: Our Currrent World In recent years, there’s been the war in Ukraine, COVID-19, and severe wildfires and earthquakes across the world. On a micro scale, people are struggling with their health and mental health despite increasing material wealth. Icon Sources: Flaticon According to a 2016 study by the University of North Carolina, only 1 in 8 Americans were achieving optimal metabolic health. And according to the UK Office for National Statistics, almost half of the UK population reported having a long-standing health problem in 2020. In terms of mental health, stress has become a serious issue. In fact, stress  has been dubbed the “Health Epidemic of the 21st Century” by the World Health Organization (this was before COVID happened) and is estimated to cost American businesses up to $300 billion a year. What are people stressed about? Probably too many things to list, but we can look at some major ones. According to a 2017 study of adults in American cities: 65% are stressed about their own health 69% about the health of family members 36% about coworker conflict 31% about gossip 70% about irritable or angry children 54% about arguments with children (Data Source) One might think that advancement in technology and increases in material wealth would lead to a happier and healthier world, but clearly that isn't the case. So what can we do to improve our world? Part 2: Finding A Solution If we want to solve a problem, we should seek advice from those who have solved this kind of problem before. If we want a peaceful and prosperous world, we should study past eras of peace and prosperity on Earth. One great country to study is China because China has the longest recorded history (3000 years!) with many many golden eras. Moreover, Chinese ancestors recorded how these golden eras were achieved in many books, one of which is The Classic of Filial Piety. This article will focus on this book's proposed solution. The translations are by myself, but I consulted the translations from Henry Rosemont Jr. and Roger T. Ames. The book says: “Our former kings had the consummate virtue and vital way that brought the empire into accord, harmonized the people, and left no resentment between those above and below…Hence, the empire was peaceful, natural disasters did not arise, and people didn’t stir trouble. In this way, the enlightened kings used filial piety to govern the empire.” (Original text:  先王有至德要道，以順天下，民用和睦，上下無怨......是以天下和平，災害不生，禍亂不作。) In other words, the key to a prosperous happy world is filial piety. So what is filial piety? Essentially, filial piety means having a heart of gratitude, love, and respect towards our parents. After all, our parents gave life to us, raised us, and gave us lots of love. It's only natural that children love and respect parents in return. Icon Sources: Flaticon A truly filial person would take good care of their health, be happy, and have good relationships with all people. When everyone is filial, all the problems mentioned before can be solved. That might sound like a bold statement, but let me explain. 2.1: Health First is health. The Classic of Filial Piety states: “Our body, from hair to skin, are bestowed by our parents. To not dare to harm this body is the beginning of filial piety.” (Original Text:  身體髮膚，受之父母，不敢毀傷，孝之始也。) Parents most easily worry about their children’s health. Thus, if we truly love our parents, we wouldn’t let them worry about our health. Earlier, I mentioned that many people in the US and UK have long-standing health problems. Since these are wealthy countries, these health problems are probably not due to a lack of healthcare access, but rather related to unhealthy habits, such as eating junk food, sleeping late, and not exercising. When our parents see our body unhealthy, they will worry about us. If we have deep filial piety, we would be motivated to stop our bad habits, and we would listen to our doctor’s advice seriously. We would even take initiative to learn basic health knowledge in our free time to improve our health and our parents’ health. Thus, filial piety can make the world healthier. 2.2: Happiness and Relationships Next is happiness and relationships. These two factors are heavily related. Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest study on happiness, and the director Robert Waldinger said, "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80." Earlier, we saw that many people are stressed about their health and conflict with family and coworkers. When we are filial, we will take care of our health and have happy relationships with family and all people. Of all our relationships, the most important one is with our parents. After all, our first human relationship is with our parents, so it serves as the foundation for our other relationships. When we have a filial heart towards our parents, we benefit the most because we are happy. The English commentary on The Classic Of Filial Piety by Rosemont and Ames says, “[Family] Reverence is much more than proffered respect; it is the JOY that one finds in such deference.” For example, one of my friends said that when she respected her father more, she felt happier around her father and wanted to cook more dishes for him. And in my own experience, having good relationships with parents is a great source of joy. One of the most insightful things I learned from the Classic Of Filial Piety is this: “To not love one’s parents yet love others violates morality.” (Original Text: 不愛其親而愛他人者，謂之悖德。) That’s because for most of us, we owe the most gratitude to our parents. After all, they gave birth to us, raised us, took care of us when we were sick, and always did their best to give us the best. If we cannot appreciate and love our parents, then how can we appreciate and love other people who provided less gratitude towards us? I used to think, "I have great relationships with most people. It's just my mother that is always so demanding and picky. Therefore, the problem is my mother, not me." Later, I realized I was wrong. We all try to put on a good image in front of others, but we are our true selves in front of our family. Side note:  I often advise young people who are just starting to date to observe how the other person treats their parents. If they treat their parents with love and respect, then they will treat you that way too in the long run (after the honeymoon period is over). If they disrespect their parents but "love" you, then they will also disrespect you after the honeymoon period is over. It’s because so many people have relationship problems with their parents that they then have problems with other people, whether it be classmates, colleagues, or spouses. If we can cultivate our heart of gratitude, love, and respect towards parents first, and this is the easiest and best place to do so, then we can naturally expand our filial heart towards others, and then we will have harmonious and happy relationships with others too. 2.3: Extending Filial Piety The Classic Of Filial Piety states: “Those who love their parents wouldn’t dare to hate others. Those who respect their parents wouldn’t dare to disrespect others.” (Original Text: 愛親者，不敢惡於人；敬親者，不敢慢於人。) Why? Because if we hate and disrespect others their parents would be sad. Just like we wouldn’t want to make our beloved parents sad, we wouldn’t want to make other parents sad either. Just like we can focus on our parents’ gratitude and tolerate their shortcomings, we can do so for other people too. When we extend our filial heart broader, we resolve all the problems mentioned earlier. We would have a lot less stress and conflict with people, and we wouldn’t gossip about our colleagues. We wouldn’t dare to start wars and kill people. We would take good care of our health and the health of those around us. When we extend our filial heart to Mother Earth and Father Sky, we would do our best to restore the environment and save other animal species, just like taking care of our own mother and siblings. In this way, the empire is peaceful, natural disasters do not arise, and people don't stir trouble. Part 3: How To Cultivate Filial Piety From the above analysis, we can see the importance of filial piety for our individual happiness and health, as well as for world peace and prosperity. The next question is: how can we practice filial piety in our daily lives? Filial piety is an attitude, not an action. We need to cultivate an attitude of gratitude towards our parents. First, feel parents’ love and contemplate parents’ gratitude. For example, when parents ask "How have you been recently?", they aren't just being polite, they really mean it. When parents go shopping, they always think about buying things for us. When something good happens to us, our parents are even happier than us. And let's not forget all the hardship and trouble that parents willingly shouldered for us, from the pain of giving birth, to the sleepless nights caring for an infant, to the worry when we were ill, to the headaches of planning for our future. Image Source If we feel gratitude and love towards our parents, then we will naturally want to return our parents’ love and gratitude. When we do so, we make our parents happy, and we feel happy too. When we have great relationships with our parents and family, we can naturally extend our filial heart towards others. A lot of us lack respect and love towards parents because we take them for granted. In other words, we don't feel grateful towards our parents. Imagine if our parents suddenly died after we were born. Would we still be here today? Would we still have the life that we have now? Thus, we should really appreciate all that our parents have done for us. Once we truly feel deep gratitude towards our parents, we will naturally love and respect them, and we would feel ashamed for making our parents worried or upset. An excellent book on filial piety is Guide To A Happy Life, which I summarized here. This book teaches daily actions that we can practice to cultivate an attitude of love and respect towards parents and all people. Here are some examples: When my parents call me, I will reply promptly. (How many of us get upset when others don't reply us right away?) When my parents criticize me, I will listen respectfully. (How many of us argue with others when they criticize us?) What my parents like, I will try to provide. What my parents dislike, I will try to keep away. (If we do this with anyone, we would have a great relationship with them) When I leave the house, I will let my parents know. When I return, I will let them know. (How many of us get upset at others because they don't communicate with us in a timely manner?) No matter if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. (How many of us get upset when others do things their way without checking with us first?) Do not be picky with food, and do not overeat. (If we prioritize health over taste, our parents would be a lot less worried.) If I get close to good people, the benefit is limitless. If I get close to bad people, the harm is limitless. (Parents often worry about us making bad friends. Indeed, we get heavily influenced by the people around us.) If we meet someone who can actually do all of this towards their parents, we can be confident that they will treat other people the same way. And if we want to attract a filial partner or friends, we need to improve our filial piety first. Part 4: Be The Change Unfortunately, most people were not taught the importance of filial piety or how to practice filial piety in modern western society. Thus, when we see others not being filial, we shouldn’t blame them. Instead, we need to set a good role model for others. As the common saying goes, “Be the change you want to see.” And we must not underestimate the impact that one person can have. I’ll share one last quote from The Classic Of Filial Piety: “When one person has great virtues, the whole population will look up to his or her example.” (Original Text:  一人有慶，兆民賴之。) For example, there is a TV show in China called “Finding the Most Filial Youth” that showcases real stories of filial piety to the whole country. Image Source These people are ordinary people just like us. In fact, they are just kids. But their great filial piety attracted the attention of national TV, thereby influencing the whole nation. When people hear these filial stories, they are naturally inspired to be filial too. If these kids can influence others, so can we. Let’s all contribute to a happy world by cultivating our filial piety and making our parents happy first. Weekly Wisdom #268

Icon Source We often try to improve our lives by adding more. More money. More things. More friends. More entertainment. And so on. But more isn't always better. There is a common saying that goes, "Too much is just as bad as too little." According to the principle of The Middle Way, we need the right amount of things. When we have too much, reducing it will bring us benefit. Of course, when we have too little, increasing it will also bring benefit. Since humans tend to have a habit of always wanting more, ancient philosophers emphasized the importance of frugality. For example, Laozi, the founder of Daoism, listed frugality as one of his three treasures. The Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Ask yourself at every moment, 'Is this necessary?'" Socrates said, "The secret of happiness is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less." But it's not just ancient philosophers. Benjamin Franklin had a list of 13 virtues that he aimed to achieve his whole life, and frugality was number five. Modern day business legend Jeff Bezos also said, "Accomplish more with less. Constraint breeds resourcefulness, self-sufficiency, and invention. There are no extra points for growing headcount, budget size, or fixed expense." Usually when we think of frugality, we just think of saving money. But we can extend this idea to other aspects of life too. Below are eight common examples of how less can be more: Less food can benefit the stomach. Less indulgences can gather our spirit. Less words can improve energy and stop disputes. Less friends can increase quality and reduce faults. Less social gatherings can nurture health and reduce fatigue. Less late nights can calm the spirit and comfort the body. Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues. Less thinking can reduce irritation and rid worries. These come from a famous minister of the Qing Dynasty named Ying Zhang (張英). Many people have an excess of these things, hence less is more. Let's look at each in more detail. 1: Less food can benefit the stomach. In the past, food used to be a scarce resource, and people weren't sure if they would have food the next day. Nowadays, we have easy access to lots of food, and overeating has become a problem for many, especially since there are so many delicious but unhealthy foods around. 72% of American adults were overweight or obese in 2018, and 64% of UK adults were overweight or obese in 2021. Eating too much, especially of unhealthy foods, is definitely a factor. According to ancient Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine, it's best to eat until 70%-80% full. Eating too full not only feels bad, it also damages the stomach and weakens our digestive system. This fact has also been confirmed by research on the Blue Zones, which are areas in the world with the most number of healthy centurions (people who are at least 100 years old). One thing the Blue Zones all have in common is they stop eating at 80% fullness, and their meals are well-balanced with the majority of their calories coming from a wide variety of plant-based foods. Another aspect of "less food" is to eat three square meals a day and to reduce snacking. That's because the digestive system needs time to rest in between meals, and always snacking doesn't give it time to rest. When our digestive system gets weaker, we become less able to digest food and absorb nutrients, which will hurt our health. Thus, for many of us in this food-abundant society, we should take care to not eat too much and too frequently. 2: Less indulgences can gather our spirit. Indulgences give us a temporary pleasure high, but afterwards, we feel low, and we start craving them again. The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "It is for this reason that men sink themselves in pleasures, and they cannot do without them once they have become accustomed to them…And so they are the slaves of their pleasures…Then it is that the height of unhappiness is reached." Laozi poetically said: Excessive sights blind the eyes. Excessive sounds deafen the ears. Excessive flavors numb the tongue. The thrill of hunting makes the mind reckless. The rarity of treasures harms people's goodness. Hence, the sage seeks contentment not indulgence; Thus, eliminates the later and cultivates the former. Have you met someone, or are you someone, who is addicted to pleasure and indulgences? Perhaps it's addiction to smoking, alcohol, gambling, entertainment, porn, junk food, gaming, etc. When you talk to them, do you feel their spirit (mind) is calm and present? Or is their spirit (mind) very unsettled and unconcentrated? It's fine to enjoy some pleasures here and there, as long as it's a healthy amount that does not lead to addiction. But if we are always thinking about the next time we can indulge, such that we can't focus and do our daily work properly, then that's a problem. The thing is, a lot of these substances seem very innocent, and we often tell ourselves we won't get addicted. But once we do it once, it becomes a slippery slope. Before we know it, the craving is back, and we become addicted. Thus, it's very important to be extra cautious, to guard against these addictive things. If we are already addicted, it's important to find motivation to quit at a pace that we can manage. Perhaps we do it for the people we love, or because we want to stop experiencing the pain of cravings, or because we want to make better use of our lives. 3: Less words can improve energy and stop disputes. Have you ever had to lecture for an hour? Two hours? Most of us don't need to talk for a very long time at once, but as a teacher, I've had to talk for many hours a day. It's tiring! Thus, it's extra important for me to cultivate my speech. Socrates taught a useful idea called The Triple Filter Test: before speaking something, make sure it is true, good, and useful. Image Source Some people don't need to talk so much, they just like to talk a lot. Perhaps they like to gossip or criticize, which would then cause disputes and make enemies. Or perhaps their mind is very unsettled, so when they speak, it feels like their ideas are all over the place; tiring for us, and also tiring for them! Thus, it's important to practice speaking with concision and clarity, and to reduce unnecessary and unhelpful speech. 4: Less friends can increase quality and reduce faults. Do you know anyone, or are you someone, who likes to make lots of friends, but these are all shallow relationships? Shallow relationships can bring temporary fun, but they don't bring long-term fulfillment. When we truly need help, shallow friends won't come to our rescue. It's more important to have a small number of really good friends who we can truly rely on. In other words, quality is more important than quantity when it comes to relationships. Increasing the quality of our friends also reduces our faults. Why? Because we all get influenced by the people around us. As motivational speaker Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend most time with." For example, a Harvard article talked about research which showed that "a person’s chance of becoming obese increases by 57% if a close friend is obese, 40% if a sibling is obese, and 37% if a spouse is obese." We can infer more examples: if a close friend has any bad habit or trait, we are likely to catch that bad habit or trait. If a close friend has any good habit or trait, we are likely to catch it too. If we want to attract good friends, the most important thing is to improve ourselves. I once heard someone give this relationship advice: "List everything you want from your dream partner. Then go be that list." Think about it: if we want a very kind and honest partner or friend, but we are often selfish and don't keep our word, then if we actually meet a kind and honest person, would that person want to be friends with us? Probably not! As the common saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." Just to be clear, we shouldn't suddenly cut ties with long-time friends who have bad habits. That would be quite ungrateful considering they've probably helped us a lot in the past. But if we improve ourselves, they might get inspired to improve themselves too. For example, if we used to be addicted to something, but we were able to overcome that addiction, then our friend who was also addicted might get inspired and think, "If my friend can do it, so can I!" Thus, reducing our faults can also improve the quality of our existing friends. If they refuse to change, then when they notice our interests have changed, that friendship will naturally fade apart. 5: Less social gatherings can nurture health and reduce fatigue It's great to have some social gatherings and to catch up with friends every now and then. But too much becomes very tiring and can hurt our health (and wallet). Obviously, being tired and not resting enough hurts our health, but also, people tend to drink alcohol, eat unhealthy foods, and talk a lot at social gatherings. Thus, being selective about our friends and which social gatherings we attend can nurture our health and reduce fatigue. 6: Less late nights can calm the spirit and comfort the body. Sleep is extremely important for our health. When we sleep, our body cleans out garbage, replenishes energy, repairs itself, and fights illnesses. Image Source With the rise of smartphones and unlimited entertainment at our fingertips, more and more people are sleeping late unnecessarily. When we stay up late, our spirit (energy) gets drained and our body gets damaged. Anyone who has pulled an all-nighter knows that you feel terrible afterwards, and it takes many days to recover. If we consistently sleep late, that's very harmful for our health. People who stay up late not only reduce the quantity of their sleep but also the quality. In the book Sleep Smarter, author Shawn Stevenson explains that 10PM to 2AM is “Money Time Sleep” because between those hours, humans get the most amount of restful recovery sleep. One hour of "Money Time Sleep" is worth twice as much as sleep outside those hours. Ayurvedic medicine also emphasizes 10PM to 2AM as the most important time to sleep. If you are like me, you might be thinking, "10AM! That's so early!" I have a bit of good news: according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, the most important time to sleep is 11PM to 3AM. Obviously, it's best if we can sleep from 10PM to 3AM, but if that's not possible, at least try to sleep by 11PM. In my own experience, my energy levels are much better during the day if I got my "Money Time Sleep". Unfortunately, the average American goes to sleep at 11:39PM according to a Sleep Cycle article. A poll from The Fine Bedding Company showed that the average adult in Britain sleeps at 10:43PM, and half of them said the last thing they put down before sleep is their phone or computer. Thus, for the majority of us, we should try to sleep earlier. For tips on how to do that, check out this article. 7: Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues. Drinking alcohol is common at social gatherings. A bit of alcohol can help us relax and improve blood circulation. But we need to be careful to not drink too much. If we get drunk, our mind will become impaired and muddled, which then leads us to do stupid and sinful things. Too much alcohol doesn't just impair the brain in the short-term, it also damages the brain in the long-term. According to brain expert Dr. Daniel Amen, alcohol shrinks brain volume, lowers blood flow to the brain, and impairs learning and memory. Here is a SPECT Scan of a healthy brain versus a moderate drinker's brain: Image Source Aside from the brain, alcohol also damages our liver,  which is our body's filtration system, thereby making us age faster. To put it simply, we really need to take care to limit alcohol consumption for the sake of our mental health, physical health, and virtues. 8: Less thinking can reduce irritation and rid worries. Logical thinking is one of the greatest gifts given to humans. It is very important to plan ahead and use logic to make decisions. But overthinking becomes counter-productive, causing our mind to feel irritated and worried. As Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "We suffer more in imagination than in reality." This is especially true for overthinkers. So what can we do? Well, it's important to figure out why you overthink. For many of us, we are afraid of a certain outcome. In that case, a useful exercise I learned from Tim Ferriss is to do Fear Setting. Basically, we define what we are afraid of, how we can prevent it, and how we can repair the situation if our fear comes true. Image Source For example, let's say I have a test or a presentation coming up. I am very worried, and I can't help but keep thinking about how terrible it'd be if I mess up. First, I write down my fear to get it out of my mind and trap it on paper: "I mess up during my test." But I need to be more specific. Why am I afraid of messing up? "If I mess up on my test, I won't be able to go to my desired university." Is that true? Probably not. But I am still worried. Why? "If I mess up, I'll look bad in front of my peers." OK, then I need to work on not caring so much about what others think, or else I'll live a miserable life. Writing down what exactly we are afraid of helps us to feel calmer already because we are dealing with a known problem as opposed to an unclear problem. Next, write down how to prevent the problem. For example, I can study 4 hours a day until the test. I can also ask my smart classmate to study with me and give me mock test questions. If I have questions, I can ask the teacher. When we write down a list of things to do, we can channel our nervous energy into productive action. Finally, we can imagine that our feared result happens, and then write down how to repair the situation. For example, if I don't get my desired grade, I can ask the teacher for a make-up test or a bonus assignment. If I don't get into my dream university, I can apply again the next year, or just select another university. If my peers laugh at me for getting a poor grade, well, they are probably not the type of friends that I want to make anyway. After going through the fear setting exercise, we should feel much more calm and at ease. Self-Reflection The one that resonates most with me is number three: less words can improve energy and stop disputes. As I mentioned before, I have to speak a lot for my job as a teacher, so I need to conserve my breath. Moreover, if I speak too much, students get bored, and I reduce the amount of time students have for activities, which reduces their learning quality. Thus, it's very important for me to practice speaking with concision. I also noticed that when I am upset at someone and want to argue, I speak a lot. But if at this time, I can just hold my breath and not argue, I can save myself from an unnecessary dispute. Later, when I feel calmer, I usually think "Thank goodness I didn't argue so much. It really isn't that big of a deal. I can just let it go, or use a calm attitude to communicate my feelings and thoughts." Another one that resonated with me is number one: less food can benefit the stomach. I used to eat until my stomach felt a little pressure. I thought that meant I am full, and I am supposed to eat that much. Later, I learned that I should only eat until 80% full. When I first made the change, I wasn't used to it, and I wanted to eat more. But soon after, I actually felt more comfortable at 80% fullness. I also feared that I might get hungry in between meals, but that fear didn't materialize. I also felt more energetic and alert because my body had less burden to digest so much food, so more blood could be directed to my brain. One more that really resonated with me is number eight: less thinking can reduce irritation and rid worries. I have a habit of overthinking. Fear setting has really helped me with this problem. If I start overthinking, I tell myself, "Worrying isn't helpful. Go do something about it. Even if the worst case scenario happens, it's not the end of the world. You can still make do." Conclusion Lots of people work very hard to gain happiness by adding more to their life. But sometimes, what we really need is to reduce. Ancient philosophers and modern-day legends all emphasize the importance of frugality. But aside from saving money, we can extend frugality to eight other areas: Less food can benefit the stomach. Less indulgences can gather our spirit. Less words can improve energy and stop disputes. Less friends can increase quality and reduce faults. Less social gatherings can nurture health and reduce fatigue. Less late nights can calm the spirit and comfort the body. Less alcohol can clear the mind and nurture virtues. Less thinking can reduce irritation and rid worries. Which one resonates most with you? How can you work on it? Weekly Wisdom #267

I recently watched a heartwarming movie called The Ron Clark Story, and it's based on a real story about a teacher, Ron Clark, who tries to turn around the toughest, naughtiest sixth grade class in New York. It is a story about pursuing dreams, overcoming challenges, and building relationships. We may not all be teachers, but this movie can be insightful and inspirational for all of us. Image Source The film won multiple awards, including the Family Film Awards for Best TV Movie/Drama. It is a great watch for all audiences, and it can be found on YouTube for free here. Below, I'm going to give a summary (spoiler alert) and then share my learnings. Part 1: Summary 1.1 Beginning Ron Clark is a talented elementary school teacher from a small town in North Carolina, and his students do exceptionally well on standardized tests. His school hopes he will stay forever, but after reading all the news about troubled schools in New York, he feels that New York needs him the most. Hence, he packs his bags and heads to the metropolis. After arriving in New York, he first stays in a motel while looking for a job. It took quite a while, and he ran out of cash, so he got a part-time gig at a restaurant. Eventually, he arrives at Inner Harlem Elementary School, where a teacher had just quit because a student tried to assault him. Ron tells the principal that he could replace that teacher today. After the principal looked at his resume, he offered Ron a good class, probably out of fear that Ron would quit just like the previous teacher if given the naughty class. However, Ron happily insisted that he wants the naughty class because he knew that's where he could make the most impact. It was Friday, and the principal told him he can start on Monday. 1.2 Starting His New Job Over the weekend, Ron visits the families of all his students, hoping to get the parents cooperation and support throughout the school year. He soon finds out that each family is challenged, overworked, or messed up in their own way. On Monday, he starts teaching the naughty class with his big ideals, and he quickly realizes that this class is unlike any he's ever faced before. In fact, it's challenging beyond his wildest imagination. He gives his utmost love and care to the class, but the class only gives back disrespect and even hostility. Occasionally, Ron has small successes in getting the class to behave well, but his method is rather forceful, so although the students comply temporarily, they are accumulating resentment inside, and they wreak havoc later. Eventually, Ron has an angry outburst and walks out of the classroom, ready to quit. He's been in New York for a while, but he never explored the town yet, so he asked a friend from the restaurant he works at to show him around. He shares his struggles and how he plans to give up on his ideals. His friend gives him a pep talk and encourages him to go back because those students desperately need him the most. 1.3 Rising From Failure Thanks to his friend's help, Ron rises from his abyss and is re-determined to turn this class around. Rather than forcing his students to behave properly, he decides to bargain with them. He brings dozens of small chocolate milk cartons to class and tells them, "Every 15 seconds you behave well and listen in class, I will drink a carton of chocolate milk. If you guys can hold out long enough, you just might see me puke." (Ron Clark getting his students to behave using chocolate milk) The class is super excited at this offer, and they finally behave well for a long time. Whenever any student interrupts the class or does something bad, all the other students give that person a nasty look. Eventually, Ron asks a question, and a student answers correctly. Ron is extremely happy, and the student is surprised that she could actually "learn." Ron's sincerity finally breaks through, and the students start warming up to him. He even goes to play with them during recess. In the past, the students would ignore him, but now, they let him play jump rope with them. 1.4 A Challenge of Beliefs Halfway through the year, the principal has a meeting with Ron. He is unimpressed at his class's test scores and says, "These kids are at the bottom of the barrel. All I'm asking is for your students to pass, then they can become someone else's problem." Ron is upset and argues, "The problem isn't the kids. The problem is your expectations. You are setting the bar down here. Why? Set it up here! They can make it! In May, all my students will test at grade level." The principal rolls his eyes and says, "I don't see how that's possible." Ron says, "I'm sorry, did I say grade level? I meant above grade level." Unbeknownst to Ron, his students were actually listening outside the principal's office, and they were shocked at their teacher's promise to the principal. Later, Ron gives a motivational talk to his students about how he had overcome his fears and achieved something he never thought was possible in the past, and that every day in class, the students are also working to achieve something big that they never thought was possible: being a stellar student and achieving a bright future. He told them, "If you trust me, then come up here and light a candle on this cake, and I promise you that you will learn more than you ever imagined in our class." (Ron Clark inviting his students to light a candle and put their trust in him) Now that his trust level was high with the students, they didn't argue or misbehave. They came up, lit a candle, and put their trust in their teacher. 1.5 Rising from More Failure The school year continues, and none of the students passed the history test. Rather than blame the students, he reflects on his teaching methods. He realizes that he needs to do something more fun, engaging, and interesting to help the students learn, so he creates a rap to help his students learn America's past presidents, and he even performs for them. (Ron Clark singing the Presidents' Rap with his students) This rap is extremely well received by the students, and everyone's interest in history is sparked. Later, nearly all his students got A on the history test. 1.6 Another Challenge of Beliefs Ron identifies some students that need extra help and take initiative to give them outside-of-class tutoring. One student is Shameika, who always has excuses for not handing in homework. Ron visits her home and asks to see her homework. She says she is too busy and didn't finish. Ron looks at it anyway and says this is actually pretty good, and she just needs to fix some small things. Shameika is surprised, but before she could continue working on her homework, her three brothers arrive home from their babysitter, and Shameika has to go cook dinner because her parents are out busy working. Ron offers to cook dinner so that she can fix her homework. Later, her mother arrives home to see Ron eating dinner with her kids, and she is extremely upset, saying, "You don't think I can take care of my family Mr. Clark? Leave my house." The next day, she goes to the principal's office and complains that her kid comes to school to learn, so she shouldn't be doing school work at home. Ron argues that students have homework, and Shameika can't be babysitting all day. He says, "Shameika has more potential than any kid in my class. Why can't you see that?" Shameika's mother angrily replies, "How dare you tell me what I should or should not see in my daughter. I'm taking her home. This guy better not be teaching at this school when I bring my kid back tomorrow." As they leave, Shameika turns around and pleads to the principal, "Please don't fire Mr. Clark! He was just trying to help. Mr. Clark please don't leave because of me." (Shameika pleading Ron Clark to not leave the school) Before they exit the school, Ron runs to catch up with them. The mother says, "Why are you doing this? You give her these grand ideas. The world is just going to crush her down!" Ron says, "I don't believe that. I just know she's a great student, a born leader, creative, intelligent." The mother is astonished and says, "Shameika? My Shameika?" Ron replies, "Yes! If she tests well enough in May, we might be able to get her into Manhattan West for middle school." The mothers says, "That's for gifted kids." Ron silently looks at her and nods in affirmation. The mother finally says, "Maybe Ms. Benson (the babysitter) can keep the boys a little longer every day." 1.7 The Final Stretch It's only two months until the big test, and Ron gets pneumonia. He is forced to stay at home for at least two weeks, so he records video lectures for his students to watch in class. (Ron Clark pre-records videos for his students while recovering from pneumonia) One week before the state exams, his students are worried and lack confidence. They say things like, "We always mess up," "Everyone thinks we're losers," and "What if we choke on the test?" Ron gives them a pep talk and emphasizes that they have been working hard every single day, that they've accomplished so much over the past year, and that he is extremely proud of them. He affirms them that they will crush the test and walk out of that room knowing they can do anything they want to do in their life. After the exams, the principal personally came to Ron's classroom and told them that they scored higher than any other class, even higher than the honors class. Afterwards, his students went on to attend some of the finest middle schools and high schools in New York. Part 2: My Learnings Lesson 1: A Meaningful Life is About Serving the Greater Good Ron Clark didn't have to go to New York and take on such difficult students. He could have had a comfortable life in his hometown. But he saw a desperate need for his talents in New York, and he was willing to let go of personal comfort for the greater good. Of course, no dream is easy to accomplish, but I'm sure Ron feels like he made the right decision to serve the greater good, and everyone will remember him for it. Image Sources: 1, 2 This isn't to say that having a comfortable life is bad, or that we all need to take a big risk to chase a dream. The key point is that if we want to feel a sense of meaning in life, we should try to serve the greater good in some shape or form. We can start off small and let it accumulate naturally. Ron Clark didn't dream of going to New York on his first day as a teacher. He taught for many years, accumulating his passion and abilities, then when he felt the time was right, he took the risk. Anyone can start by finding a cause that we care about, and then helping out that cause in whatever way is suitable for our current situation. Serving the greater good will bring us a sense of fulfillment and help us feel like our life was well-lived. Lesson 2: There is no unteachable student, no unchangeable person There is a Chinese proverb that goes, "When you don't get the results you want, reflect on yourself." In other words, don't blame other people or outside circumstances. As a teacher, it can be easy for me to write off "bad" students as "hard-to-teach". After all, some students can earn high grades with my current teaching method, so if other students do poorly, that's clearly their problem. Perhaps they don't pay attention in class, or they don't do their homework, or they just don't care about this class. But Ron Clark reminded me that if I was truly a good teacher, I would be able to find a way to teach them rather than blame them. Image Source Ron Clark got his students to behave well by drinking dozens of cartons of chocolate milk. When his class failed the history test, he made a rap to help them remember the past presidents and spark their interest. It's not that the students are unteachable, it's just that we teachers don't care enough to find creative ways of teaching that appeal to our "bad" students. Just like a doctor should not blame a patient for having a complicated illness, a teacher should not blame a student for struggling to learn. The same can be said for the parent-child or the leader-follower relationships. Is our child/follower really unteachable? Or did we just not make the effort to truly understand them and then try different methods until we find one that works? The same goes for any relationship. Is that person really unchangeable? Or are we just not willing to truly understand them and then persist in trying different ways to inspire them? I think the reason Ron was able to come up with these creative teaching methods that resonated with his students is because he took the time to truly understand them, and he is always thinking of ways to help his students succeed, whether walking, eating, or showering. These aren't ideas he got off the internet or that other people told him, these are sparks of inspiration that came from his nonstop effort to help his students. Therefore, if we want to change others, we need to spend the time to really understand them, and then sincerely think of ways to inspire them. The question isn't whether or not they are changeable, it's whether or not we are willing to put in the effort. Lesson 3: The success of everything depends on endurance If we want to build anything, whether it's a relationship, a career, a skill, or a thing, it all takes endurance. We have to endure hardship, challenges, and negative emotions. Ron had to endure his students' naughty behavior, his principal's prejudice, parents' misunderstandings, and even pneumonia. And not just for a day or two. Ron had to endure everyone's prejudice towards his class for a whole year, until his students finally proved themselves with their stellar test scores. Ron also nearly gave up at the beginning because he couldn't endure his anger. He worked so hard for many weeks to establish class rules, and one angry outburst burned everything he had built. His students probably thought, "Aha, I knew it. You don't actually believe in us. You just want us to control us. That's why you got angry when we didn't listen." The same is true in our own relationships. If we do nice things for others but expect them to be grateful, then we will get annoyed when they don't return our grace. As that annoyance builds up, eventually, our anger will explode, and then they will think, "Aha, I knew it. You were just putting on a show to get me to do something. You don't truly want the best for me. I'm not going to change for you." We might think these students are too unreasonable to endure, but in reality, their situation is very reasonable. They are the result of their unfavorable circumstances over years and years of accumulation. Despicable people have lamentable circumstances. If a problem took years to accumulate, it's not going to get fixed in the snap of a finger. We have to endure it out. The same is true for most problems we face in life. These problems have years of complicated history, so we have to be patient and persistent in trying to overcome them. Ultimately, if we want to be successful in life, we all need to develop resilience towards hardship and the ability to manage negative emotions, especially anger. When we face tough situations and struggle to endure, it's helpful to have good friends who can support us. Fortunately, Ron had a good friend who helped him out of his depressed state, or else the students would have had a very different future. Lesson 4: Belief is the mother of possibility Ron Clark taught the naughtiest class in New York, and no one believed this class was capable of anything good…except Ron Clark. He was the first teacher to believe in his students, and this belief isn't a shallow belief, it's a deep belief that can withstand challenges. Below are three examples, and from these examples, I can really feel that when someone deeply believes in us, it is powerful. It inspires us to live up to their expectations for us, and we know if we ever struggle, we can go to them for help. Example 1: When the principal said, "These kids are at the bottom of the barrel. All I'm asking is for your students to pass, then they can become someone else's problem." Ron said, "The problem isn't the kids. The problem is your expectations. You are setting the bar down here. Why? Set it up here! They can make it! In May, all my students will test at grade level." The principal rolls his eyes and says, "I don't see how that's possible." Ron says, "I'm sorry, did I say grade level? I meant above grade level." From this incident, I could sense that Ron deeply believes in his students, and without this deep belief, there's no way he would have been able to persist through so many obstacles and find creative solutions to help his students achieve such high scores on the state exams. Example 2: When Shameika's mother said, "Why are you doing this? You give her these grand ideas. The world is just going to crush her down!" Ron says, "I don't believe that. I just know she's a great student, a born leader, creative, intelligent." This was after Shameika's mother had given Ron an angry outburst and demanded that the principal fire him. For Ron to say these kinds of words to her despite all the disrespect she gave him, it really shows how deeply Ron believes in Shameika even when no one else, not even her mother, believed in her. I also felt that Shameika's mother was hardened by difficulty and suffering. Deep down, we all want to have hope. But some of us become scared of disappointment, so then we don't dare to hope. That's why her mother didn't want Ron to give her daughter such high hopes. She's not trying to be mean, she's just flinching from past hurt. I think Ron understands that every parent inherently wants the best for their children, and that this mother needed someone to affirm her child. His deep belief in her child finally got through to her, and she decided to cooperate with Ron. As a result, Shameika was able to attain an outstanding score on her state exams. If Ron's belief wasn't so strong in the face of such a tough mother, the result would have been very different. Example 3: One of his students, Tayshawn, got into a fight in class. Ron stopped them, and Tayshawn ran out of class. Ron ran after him and said, "Tayshawn, stop! Look, I know you have two strikes. If you walk out now, they'll expel you for sure. Just get back in there." Tayshawn asked, "Why?" Ron joked, "Because I would miss your glowing personality." Tayshawn rolled his eyes. Ron said, "Mr. Turner (the principal) doesn't have to know anything about this. Just give yourself another chance." Tayshawn decided to go back to class. From this incident, I could really feel that Ron purely wants the best for all his students, no matter if they are well-behaved or the worst behaved. He deeply believes that every person has the potential for greatness, even a gangster with anger problems like Tayshawn. Throughout the whole year, Tayshawn remained the most resistant to Ron's inspirational messages, but Ron never gave up on him. Even on the day of the state exams, Ron sensed that Tayshawn might not show up, so he personally went to Tayshawn's house in the morning. Indeed, his gangster friends were telling him to follow them, but Ron invited Tayshawn to walk to school together and review on the way. (Tayshawn choosing between his gangster friends and Ron Clark) Tayshawn was moved by his teacher's care this whole year, and he decided to abandon his gangster friends and go with Ron, and he indeed passed the state exams. Conclusion No matter who we are or what our situation is, we probably all have goals that we are trying to accomplish, challenges that we're trying to overcome, or relationships that we're trying to improve. The Ron Clark Story is a heartwarming and insightful movie on these fronts, and some key lessons I learned are A meaningful life is about serving the greater good There is no unteachable student, no unchangeable person The success of everything depends on endurance Belief is the mother of possibility If you also watched the movie and have other learnings, I'd love to hear them.

Image Source One day in ancient Greece, an acquaintance met with the great philosopher Socrates and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?" “Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything, let’s put it through the triple filter test.” “Triple filter?” the man asked. “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “The first filter is truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man replied, “Well, no… I just heard about it and—” Socrates interrupted, “Alright, so you don’t even know if it’s true. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something that’s good?” The man replied, “No, on the contrary—”. Socrates interrupted again, “So you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. Okay let’s try the final filter, the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful for me?” The man replied, “Not really—”. Socrates concluded, “Well, if what you want to say is not true, not good, nor useful, then why say it at all?” Commentary Julian Treasure once said, “The human voice…It’s the most powerful sound in the world, probably. It’s the only one that can start a war or say ‘I love you’.” Indeed, uncareful speech leads to many problems, while thoughtful speech creates a better world. Yet how many of us have actually learned how to speak? Imagine if Socrates’ Triple Filter Test was taught to all children, how different would our media be, and how different would the world be? Socrates isn’t the only person to emphasize proper speech. Confucius and the Buddha also has many teachings on proper speech. Confucius's teachings on proper speech can be found in the book Di Zi Gui: Guide to Happy Life: Whatever I speak, trustworthiness comes first When I speak, make sure the volume and speed are comfortable for the listener When I speak, make eye contact with the listener Speaking less is better than speaking more Don’t use flowery language, foul language, or exaggeration What I do not know for sure, do not say These principles were taught to children and practiced by adults in ancient China, which is a major factor to their societal peace and harmony. Buddhism has a very similar three-filter test to Socrates: Is it true? Is it beneficial for the receiver? Is it a timely opportunity to speak? We can see that the key principle here is to be considerate of the listener. Self-Reflection Personally, I have three bad speaking habits: Rambling: It's no wonder people get distracted or uninterested when I'm talking. I shouldn't blame them; I need to cultivate my speaking abilities. Untimely Speech: When it's not a good time to speak to the other person, but I'm worried I'll forget later, I'll still speak, and then the other person gets annoyed and won't even remember what I said. Untruthful Speech: I often say "I think" because I don't know if something is true, but if I don't know it's true I may as well just not say it. Always saying "I think" makes me lose credibility. Awareness is the first step to change. I've already improved a lot compared to before, but I still have a long way to go. Hopefully, my reflection might inspire you to cultivate your speaking habits too! Applying the Teachings After cultivating my speaking habits, I’ve found my communication abilities and relationships improve significantly. For example, recently my mother was teaching me how to do a chore. She was doing it differently than how I normally do it, and I felt the urge to interrupt her and ask why not do it another way and say the problems I see if she does it her way. But I remembered to speak less and listen more, and that before speaking, I need to have her attention. Since she was focused on demonstrating, I didn’t speak. Later, after her demonstration, I understood why she did it her way. When she asked me if I understood, my instinct was just to say yes. But proper speech should be beneficial for the listener, so I made eye contact and then briefly summarized the process. She was very happy to see I paid attention and was able to explain the process back to her. Another application of these lessons is in writing. Just as with speech, we should only write what's true, beneficial for others, and in a manner that is suitable for the readers. Conclusion By cultivating our speech, we can avoid many unnecessary conflicts and improve our relationships and effectiveness. We are fortunate to receive such wonderful and useful teachings from wise ancestors such as Socrates, Confucius, and the Buddha. Which points resonated with you? I encourage you to pick three points and use them as your speech filters for a day and see what difference it makes in your life. 2023 Update: For more on this subject, check on part 2: Speak Less of This And More Of That.

About a month ago, my grandmother got injured. She lives in China by herself, and she asked my parents and I to come back. My mother and I rushed back first, and my father will come later; this way we take turns staying by my grandma's side. Fortunately, she is much better now. But over the past month, I've had quite a funny and awkward problem. Basically, my grandmother always wants to feed me. She buys lots of stuff for me to eat, and not all of it is healthy. My mother and I have quite high standards for health; we avoid processed foods with artificial ingredients in them, and we prefer to eat fresh, home-made food. My grandma buys lots of processed snack foods and frozen foods that have many preservatives and artificial ingredients and often prepares them for me to eat. She says things like, "You're young! Your digestion is strong! You can't eat the same stuff as us. You'll go hungry. Here, eat more. Eat this stuff I bought for you. Eat them as snacks between meals." Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Since my mother cooks, she was actually offended at first because she thought grandma was saying her cooking isn't good enough for me. I told grandma, "Actually, I've never gone hungry here. I'm always full. And I prefer to eat three square meals a day and to eat my mom's cooking. We consulted with my doctor before about what we should eat, and my mom cooks that food, so it's very healthy for me." But my grandma continued to buy stuff for me and tell me to eat them. My mom was worried because when she ate those foods, her stomach didn't feel good, and she was worried that these foods aren't good for my health. I told my mom, "Well, I've said to grandma so many times that I am not hungry and I prefer to eat your food. I don't want to hurt grandma's feelings. You didn’t feel good after eating those foods, so grandma wouldn't tell you to eat them. But I had no problems, so I can't keep defying her. Maybe if my stomach felt bad too, then I would have a good reason to urge grandma to not give me those foods." Shortly after I said that, I happened to grow a slight rash on my face. I don't know if it was the food or because I was very busy and slept very little for a few days. But when my mom saw the rash, she said, "I knew it! We need to tell grandma to stop giving you those foods!" I said, "OK mom, sure, but let's wait until we're a bit more calm. If our mind is agitated, we might say something wrong and accidentally hurt her feelings." Later, my mom told my grandma, "Look at your grandson's face! He's got a rash. This happened before. I know what to do. He needs to eat the clear bland diet*." (*The clear bland diet is a term in Chinese medicine, and it basically refers to eating bland, easy-to-digest foods.) My grandma said, "Oh no! Your face! OK you eat your mom's food." Later, I was chatting to my mentor about this whole situation, and I asked him if there's any better way to handle this problem. Before reading on, I encourage you to think about how you might handle this situation. After all, you are here because you want to improve your wisdom, right? If you think about how you might handle this problem, then compare it to what my mentor said, it will leave a deeper impression on you, which can help you internalize these teachings. Alright, here's what my mentor said: "There's a phrase that goes 'Grandma is afraid you're hungry.' This isn't just a problem with your grandma. All grandma's love their grandchildren dearly and always want to feed them. They're never afraid that you're too full, just afraid that you might be the slightest hungry. I've had to communicate with my own mother on my daughter's behalf to not feed her so much. It is not an easy subject to communicate. If you speak too strongly, you'll hurt grandma's feelings. But you can't not speak up either. You just have to keep lightly pushing. I don't think it's a good idea to wait until you have a health problem before speaking up. Otherwise, your grandma will feel very guilty for harming you. You can pretend to have a small discomfort and use that to urge your grandma. This prevents a big problem from arising in the future." As usual, I really admire my mentor's wisdom. He thought broader than me. It didn't even occur to me that I could pretend to have a stomachache because I don't like to lie. But my mentor's advice is a wise exception to the rule of not lying. There's an important teaching from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons that goes: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole. An action that helps people now but has negative side effects in the future might seem like goodness but actually is not. An action that doesn't seem good now but has positive side effects in the future might not seem like goodness but actually is." We shouldn't lie because it's immoral to hurt others. But in this case, a small lie actually helps my grandma from the risk of greater hurt in the future. It also saves my mother from further worry and saves me from eating those unhealthy foods. As long as our intention is to help others, and the result indeed helps them, then our "lie" is an exception to the rule. Anyway, I am very happy at my grandma's place. She is always showering me with love, and I do my best to serve her, whether it's cooking, chores, chatting, shopping, or just spending time together. I also learned a great lesson from this "Grandma is afraid you're hungry" situation, and I thought it'd be an interesting and useful story to share. Weekly Wisdom #264

I was looking at the calendar recently and thinking, shouldn't it be the anniversary of the Weekly Wisdom Blog soon? Then I realized the anniversary was last week! Oops. But wise people always look for the good in everything, so I guess the good in this is that I must be enjoying the process so much that I forgot time. Anyway, in honor of this five year anniversary, I'll highlight my favorite five posts in the previous year: My 21 Day No Complaint Challenge The Under-Appreciated Heroes How to Not Get Upset at Misunderstandings and Criticisms Notice People's Good Intentions Wise Principles For Great Decisions Special Mention: Soul (Movie) Learnings 1: My 21 Day No Complaint Challenge What's uncool to do, a burden to hear, and common everywhere? I've done many personality tests, and they all say that my personality tends to complain a lot. My biggest reason for writing these weekly wisdom articles is to improve myself, and this article hit one of my core problems. Through this experience, I learned that my most common triggers are being interrupted, being misunderstood, and facing others' unreasonable behavior. Through those 21 days of vigilance, I saw noticeable improvement in myself. If you tend to complain a lot, this is a great challenge to try. Afterwards, I slowly lost my vigilance, and my habit of complaining slowly came back, though not as much as before. Around three months ago, I decided to try a new challenge called the 90-Day Always Think Of Others challenge. Whereas the no-complaint challenge directly focuses on not complaining, this challenge focuses on thinking of helping others, in which case I definitely wouldn't complain about them. It's quite an interesting experience, and I will write about it after I'm done. 2: The Under-Appreciated Heroes The Weekly Wisdom Blog focuses on self-improvement and cultivating virtues. According to Confucius, of all the virtues, the first and foremost one is filial piety, which means being loving and respectful towards parents. After all, we owe the most gratitude to our parents; if we can't even treat them with love and respect, then how can we truly love or respect others? I find that I am usually able to treat my parents well, but when conflict arises, I still get moody and blame them for their faults. It's no wonder I criticize people other than my parents in my head, which is a form of disrespect to them. If I truly want to improve myself, I have to start from here, and this article tackled this problem of mine. I remember my mentor telling me that we can start practicing filial piety by thinking of all the hardships that our parents willingly went through for us. Then we will naturally feel bad for not treating them better. And when we feel their love for us, we naturally want to return it. Image Source The theory is not that complex, the problem is we often forget. Thus, constant reminders are extremely important. 3: How to Not Get Upset at Misunderstandings and Criticisms As mentioned above, one of my triggers for getting angry is being misunderstood or unfairly criticized, and this happens most frequently with my mother. Thus, this article is extremely important for me to review. In short, I should remember that being misunderstood is extremely normal for everyone in life, so I shouldn't get so worked up over it. Next, if others misunderstood me, I must have done something to cause them to misunderstand me, otherwise they wouldn't be able to jump to that false conclusion, so I should still reflect on my own faults first rather than blaming others. I should also remember that treating others nicely when they treat us nicely is nothing special. Treating others with respect and humility even when they jump to conclusions is true virtue. Finally, if I truly care about them and want the best for them, I wouldn't get angry at them. I would say "yes you are right" in that moment to help them calm down. When they are in a better mood, I could discuss the situation calmly with them and try to clear up the misunderstanding. 4: Notice People's Good Intentions Everyone works hard to have a happy life. Unfortunately, too many people think that happiness will come once they get all the things they want, whether it be a house, a car, a nice body, a person, or whatever. In other words, they seek for happiness from the outside. The problem is, outside factors are out of our control, which leads to our stress and suffering. Fortunately, I started learning ancient philosophy, and all ancient philosophies teach us to seek for happiness from the inside, by changing our attitude. I've noticed that people, including myself, tend to notice when others have negative intentions, but we rarely take the time to notice and appreciate other people's good intentions. It's no wonder that one of the most common workplace complaints is "You can do 100 things right and no one notices. But you do one thing wrong and they're all over you." In other words, we have a habit of neglecting the good and focusing on the bad. Thus, I decided to focus on noticing people's good intentions, starting with my family, because family members obviously want the best for us. When I started to focus on their loving intentions, what used to be normal, everyday gestures turned into great moments of joy. For example, when I noticed that my mother really wanted to cook something tasty and healthy for me, I appreciated her cooking so much more. When I noticed people are all doing their best to do what they think is right, I became a lot more understanding towards them. Changing our attitude is free and doable by anyone. We just have to have the awareness to do it and the perseverance to practice it. After we get good at it, we can always access inner happiness and peace regardless of our outside circumstances. 5: Wise Principles for Great Decisions Billionaire investor Ray Dalio said, "The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your decisions." The article summarized six decision making principles: Focus on the side effects not just the intended effect, on the long-term not just the short-term, on the bigger group not just one person It's never just option A or option B. You can find options C, D, E. Don't think there's just one factor to the problem. Consider all the factors and their relationships. There is rarely ever a perfect decision When making decisions with others, factor in their feelings Make decisions from a calm and pure mind I won't bother explaining them again here, so you can review the original article if you are interested. Runner-Up: Soul (Movie) Learnings It's quite hard to find a movie that teaches virtues and not vices nowadays, but this year I had the pleasure of discovering Soul. This movie is suitable for all audiences and teaches us to cherish every day. Conclusion Whether you are a long-time reader or a new visitor, I appreciate you, and I commend you on seeking wisdom to improve your life and the lives of others. We are not alone in our mission to improve the world, and I will continue doing my small part. Cheers to another wonderful and wise year to come! Weekly Wisdom #261

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 We all want to be treated fairly. I don't think anyone thinks, "I sure wish people would treat me unfairly." Fairness is a big deal. With fairness comes harmony, and with harmony comes happiness and success. Thus, fairness is something we cannot neglect. But if we want others to treat us fairly, we have to first treat others fairly. That's why the Golden Rule states, "treat others the way you want to be treated," and "do not do unto others what you do not wish for yourself." I used to think that fairness is all about logic and equality, but recently, my mentor said something that changed my perspective. He said: "Fair and reasonable treatment should accord with sentiment, logic, and rules. But there's an order of priority to them. Rules can be trumped by logic, and logic can be trumped by sentiment. At least, that's the order of priority in traditional Chinese culture. Do you know why we prioritize sentiment first?" I thought about it and said, "Well, rules are meant to help govern a group of people, right? But rules can't cover every single situation, so sometimes we need to use reasoning to make exceptions. Sentiment can trump logic because leaders originally make rules to benefit the people, to make the people happy. If we are too strict about logic, people will feel like we are cold and uncaring, and if we blindly enforce rules, people will feel wrongfully treated, so sentiment trumps both of them. That's all I can think of at the moment. Is there more to it?" My mentor replied, "There isn't one right answer, and your view is certainly acceptable. I might put it more simply and relate it back to ourselves. If we always emphasize rules and logic, do you think we will have happy relationships? When others see us, they will probably try to avoid us. So if we want happy relationships and a happy life, we have to put human sentiment above logic and rules." Self-Reflection I reflected on myself, and I am a very logic-driven person. Much of my conflict with others is because I prioritize logic over sentiment. In other words, I often think about "right and wrong" or "reasonable and unreasonable" instead of other people's feelings. For example, if others have a fault or bad habit, I would criticize them for being "wrong" or "unreasonable", which then hurts their feelings. If I prioritized sentiment, I would advise them from an attitude of care and respect, and my expression and tone of voice would naturally be soft and encouraging. In this way, I wouldn't offend them or hurt their feelings. Another situation is when others complain about me. My first instinct is to debate the logic of their criticism, and I usually argue that they didn't understand my situation correctly, that they should confirm the facts before criticizing. Even though I might win the argument, the mere fact that I make an argument out of it creates cracks in the relationship. If I prioritized sentiment, that is prioritizing harmony and goodwill in relationships, then I wouldn't be so defensive and assert that I am right. Even if it is a wrongful criticism, I would apologize simply because I must have done something to make them unhappy or cause them to misunderstand me. I don't want to make enemies or make others unhappy, so naturally I should apologize. I need to work on prioritizing sentiment and having a more sensitive heart. My mentor's advice also reminds me of a story from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons: Story Zicheng Yang, from Zhejiang province, is another example [of a person who received good fortune from cultivating virtues]. He worked in the county courthouse and was a kind, humane, and law-abiding man. Once, the country magistrate punished a criminal by beating him until his blood spilled out onto the ground. Zicheng knelt and pleaded with him to stop beating the prisoner. The infuriated magistrate retorted, "It's all right for you to plead, but how can I not be angry when he has broken the law!" Zicheng replied, "When even those in government positions of prestige and power are corrupted and do not follow the righteous path, how can one expect the common people to abide by laws and orders? Also, extreme beating can force an innocent suspect to plead guilty. Thus, in a case like this, we should be more understanding." The magistrate was quite touched by Zicheng's speech and ceased the beating. Although Zicheng's came from a very poor family, he never took any bribes. If the prisoners were short of food, he would take some from his own home to give it to them, even if it meant going hungry himself. One day, it was time for several newly arrived prisoners to be fed. But Zicheng himself had little food. If he gave the prisoners what he had, his family would go hungry; if he kept the food for his family, the prisoners would starve. He discussed it with his wife, who asked where the prisoners were from. He said they came from Hangzhou, and they walked a long distance here, and their bodies were emaciated from the journey. Hence, they used their rice to cook porridge for the prisoners. Later, Zicheng had two sons, both of whom held important government positions. His eldest grandson became the Vice Minister of the Ministry of Justice, and his second grandson was a highly placed member of the government staff in Sichuan province. They too were prominent. Today, one of their descendants, also a government official, is known for his virtuous deeds. (Consulted translation sources: 1, 2) Commentary From this story, we can see that Zicheng was an extremely fair and reasonable person. How so? He prioritized sentiment. The magistrate might argue that beating the prisoner is fair because the prisoner violated the law, but most people would praise Zicheng for being even more fair because he prioritized sentiment. Some people might think it's perfectly reasonable to feed our own family instead of prisoners, who are strangers. But Zicheng being someone who prioritizes sentiment naturally has a compassionate heart. When he sees starving prisoners, he can't help but feel sad for them. No one would criticize you for feeding your family first, since it accords with logic, but no one would admire or praise you either. People admired, praised, and wanted to help Zicheng because he prioritized sentiment and compassion. Other people know that doing good deeds will bring good fortune, but then they become greedy for doing good deeds. Such a person might see the hungry prisoners and offer the family's food without consulting his wife, or force family members to accept their ideas. When the wife complains, he might say, "Don't be so miserly! I'm doing a good deed!" Not only is this neglecting human sentiment, it's actually selfishness and greediness for fame. Zicheng had true compassion, so he naturally thought to consult with his wife first and only gave food away after receiving her support. Like parents, like children. The parents' virtuous role modeling resulted in virtuous and successful descendants who brought wealth and glory to the family. Zicheng's story is a great illustration of why and how to prioritize sentiment over logic and rules. Conclusion Fair treatment towards people is not just about logic and rules. Rules can be trumped by logic, and logic can be trumped by sentiment. If we prioritize rules and logic, we might create conflict and resentment. If we prioritize sentiment, then we will have good fortune and happy relationships. Sentiment, logic, and rules, which do you prioritize? Weekly Wisdom #260

Icon sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 Once upon a time, there was a crow. The crow was quite interested in humans, but humans detested him and always shooed him away. Eventually, the crow became quite sad. One day, he was sitting on a tree branch crying. Suddenly, an angel appeared and asked the crow why he was crying. The crow said, "No one likes me. Everyone always shoos me away. I don't like being a crow. I wish I was a swan. They are so beautiful, and everyone likes them." The angel said, "Sure, I can grant you your wish. But before I do that, do you want to check with a swan to see if their life is really as good as you think?" The crow thought about it and said, "You have a point. Thank you so much! I will be back later." The crow then flew to a nearby pond to find a swan. He was extremely excited when he saw one, and he asked the swan, "Miss Swan! Your feathers are so beautifully white, and humans love you. Surely, you are the happiest bird in the world!" The swan said, "What are you talking about? There are so many beautiful colors in the world. All I have is white. I think the happiest bird in the world should be the parrot. Parrots have so many beautifully colored feathers, and humans even take care of them." The crow said, "Oh I never thought about that. I guess I should go confirm with a parrot then." The crow then flew around until he found a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Mister Parrot! You have so many beautifully colored feathers, and humans even take care of you. You are surely the happiest bird in the world!" The parrot replied, "What nonsense are you speaking? When humans see me, they all want to capture me and put me in a cage! What a stressful life! If you are looking for the happiest bird in the world, you should find a peacock. They are so majestic, and humans don't put them in cages. They get big fields to roam around." The crow thanked the parrot and went to look for a peacock. Soon, he found one, and he said, "Mister Peacock! You have such a majestic demeanor, and humans take care of you and let you roam around freely. Surely, you are the happiest bird in the world!" The peacock said, "Mister Crow, you've got it all wrong. Because my feathers are so beautiful, humans are always plucking them. I can't even run away or fly away. My life is so painful!" The crow said, "Wow, I had no idea. So who do you think is the happiest bird in the world then?" The peacock thought about it and said, "Well, the happiest bird is probably one that gets to fly around freely and do as he pleases. Humans won't try to capture it and put it in a cage, or try to pluck its feathers or eat it. Hmm…I guess that would be a crow like you!" The crow was astounded, and he now had a new-found appreciation for himself. He thanked the peacock and flew back to the angel. The angel asked, "You were gone for quite a while! You must've had quite an adventure. So, do you still want to become a swan?" The crow smiled and said, "Actually, I realized that every bird has their own advantages and disadvantages, and I'm quite happy to be a crow now." Commentary We often think others have it better than us, but everyone has their own struggles. If we compare our unfavorable circumstances to other people's favorable circumstances, we are creating misery for ourselves. If we simply shift our mindset and focus on our favorable circumstances, we would be much more grateful and happier towards our life. This isn't to say that we shouldn't work hard to create a better life, but rather we can be grateful and happy now, before our circumstances change, by shifting our mindset. Moreover, the grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. Rather than wasting energy looking at other people's grass, why not use it to cultivate our own garden? Weekly Wisdom #259

Icon Sources: 1, 2 A young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview and now he was about to meet the director for his final interview. The director discovered from his resume that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" The young man answered "No". "Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" "My father passed away when I was one year old. It was my mother who paid for my school fees." he replied. "Where did your mother work?" The young man said, "My mother worked as a clothes cleaner." The director asked the job applicant to show him his hands. The applicant showed that his hands were smooth and perfect. So the director asked, "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes?" "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me." said the young man. The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning." The young man felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son. Image provided by pvproductions on Freepik The young man cleaned his mother's hands slowly, with tears dripping down his face. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled and so covered in bruises. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched them. This was the first time the young man realized that it was this pair of hands that washed clothes every day to pay for his education. After cleaning his mother's hands, the young man quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, the mother and son talked for a very long time. The next morning, the young and eager job applicant went to the director's office. The director noticed the tears in the applicant's eyes when he asked, "Can you tell me what you learned at your house yesterday?" The young man answered, "I cleaned my mother's hands and I finished cleaning all the remaining clothes. I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, I not only realized how difficult it is to get something done on your own, but I also have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping other people." The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired!" (Story Source) Commentary Gratitude is not just a nice-to-have feeling. It's a must-have for a purposeful and fulfilling life. We all have parents, and chances are, we could be doing more to repay their gratitude. Our parents may not have worn out hands like the mother in the story, but they've certainly gone through their fair share of hardship in raising us. Just like the young man in the story, many of us are oblivious to so much of our parents' contributions and sacrifices for us. Here are some examples to ponder: Mother carrying us around in her tummy for 9 months and having to endure a lot of discomfort, yet still looking forward to the day we are born. Mother enduring the pain of childbirth, and then right after, her first thought is, "Is my child healthy?" Parents tending to us 24/7 when we were infants, using their hearts to feel our needs whenever we cried, feeding us and changing our diapers. Despite being exhausted, they did this with love in their hearts. Parents dedicating so much thought, energy, money, and planning for our lives. Parents sacrificing their freedom and sleep for us. Parents being so happy to see us grow and mature. Parents always wanting the best for us and giving us the best they can give. When we reflect on how much our parents gave to us, we should feel a sense of gratitude and warmth, and then we naturally feel the desire to repay gratitude. It's kind of like if a friend gives us a gift, we'd be happy and naturally feel compelled to give them a gift in return. Repaying favor is a natural human sentiment. When we focus on our parents' gratitude, we will naturally want to repay gratitude. There are four broad ways to so: Nurture parents' physical health: make sure their body is healthy Nurture parents' emotional health: ease their worries and give them happiness Nurture parents' aspirations: fulfill their wishes and ambitions for us Nurture parents' wisdom: helping parents to grow as a person When we repay gratitude, we are making our parents healthier and happier. When we see our loved ones healthy and happy, we will be happy too. Confucius said, "When taught filial piety, people will respect all parents in the world. When taught siblinghood, people will respect all siblings in the world." (Original Text: 教以孝，所以敬天下之為人父者也。教以悌，所以敬天下之為人兄者也。) Note: Filial piety means having a heart of love, respect, and gratitude towards parents. Siblinghood is the same but towards siblings. When we can feel the care and gratitude of our family, it's easy to extend that feeling to other people outside the family. If you think about it, society is kind of like a big family. At school, our teachers are similar to our parents, and our classmates are similar to our siblings. At work, our leaders are similar to our parents, and our colleagues are similar to our siblings. Our leaders take care of us, and we repay gratitude by being harmonious with colleagues, easing our leaders' worries, and working towards their aspirations. In order to teach filial piety, parents ideally would to role model respect and gratitude towards grandparents. The family should frequently do nice things for the grandparents. After all, children don't do what you tell them to do, children copy your actions. It's also important to not spoil children and make them think they are the king or queen of the world. The father can tell the children about how much the mother contributes and how hard the mother works, and urge the children to be filial to mom. The mom can do the same for dad. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Even if our parents didn't role model filial piety for us, we shouldn't blame them because chances are, no one role modeled it for them, and no one taught them either. They still tried their best for us, and now we need to try our best for them. That means starting with us, we set a good role model for them and for the future generations. Conclusion Gratitude is not a nice-to-have, it's a must have for a purposeful, meaningful, and productive life. It also helps us to persevere through hardship. The best place to start digging our inner fountain of gratitude is towards the under-appreciated heroes in our lives. Weekly Wisdom #258