Image Source I recently watched the movie Soul, and it was really insightful and enjoyable. If you haven't watched it yet, I would definitely recommend it. Here is the trailer: In this article, I'll summarize the story (spoiler alert) and then share my learnings. Summary The story's main character is Joe Gardner, who works as a part-time middle school music teacher in New York, but his dream is to be a professional jazz pianist. One day, he gets an opportunity to audition, and he secured a show that night. It's a dream come true for him. As he leaves the audition and heads home, he accidentally falls into a manhole and dies. His soul arrives in the afterworld, also called "The Great Beyond", but he refuses to die because he wants to play the jazz show later that night. He manages to escape to a place called "The Great Before", where new souls are prepared for life on Earth. Each soul is assigned to a "mentor", which is a senior soul who helps them to find a "spark" or passion in life. Joe is mistaken as a mentor, and he is assigned to a soul named 22. 22 is very stubborn and doesn't want to go to Earth because she thinks human life is meaningless. In order for her to go to Earth, she needs to complete her Earth badge, which requires her to find a spark. Joe is determined to help her find a spark so that he can take her Earth badge and return to Earth. Unfortunately, his efforts yield no results. 22 thinks Joe's life is pitiful and is curious why Joe would want to return to Earth, so she takes Joe to find her friend Moonwind in a place called "The Zone". This is a place where souls enter when they enter flow state from activities such as music, writing, art, etc. It is also a place where "lost souls" dwell. These lost souls look and behave like monsters, and they are a result of obsessions, such as towards money or video games. When they find Moonwind, he is able to help Joe locate his body. Joe is excited and tries to jump back into his body, but he accidentally brings 22 with him. When he wakes up, he finds out that 22 is in his body, and he is in the body of a therapy cat. He remembers that Moonwind's physical body is also in New York, so they go and find him. Moonwind said he can return him to his body in the evening before his jazz show. During the day, he gets 22 to prepare his body for the jazz show, such as getting a haircut and fixing his suit. Throughout the process, 22 starts experiencing human life and developing interest in things like food, wind, music, and people. At the end of the day, they visit Moonwind. But 22 refuses to leave Joe's body after discovering the joy of living and runs away. Shortly after, an officer from The Great Beyond came to Earth and brought Joe and 22 back to The Great Before. 22 discovers that her Earth badge is complete and is excited. However, Joe negates her and says she doesn't have a passion of her own, she only liked those foods and music because she was in Joe's body, and those are Joe's preferences. 22 gets angry, throws her Earth badge at Joe, and runs away. Joe then takes the Earth badge and returns to his body on Earth. He plays in the show that night at the jazz club, and it is everything he ever dreamed of. However, after the show, he felt confused. He didn't feel much different from before the show. It didn't give him a long-lasting sense of fulfillment like he imagined. He recalls the experiences that 22 had in his body earlier that day, and he realized that these small experiences indeed gave 22 her spark, which is a desire to live. He then plays piano and enters The Zone. He finds Moonwind and looks for 22, only to discover that 22 has become a monster due to her obsession with the idea that she can never find a spark. Joe remembers that 22 was fascinated by a sycamore, and he saves her by giving her that sycamore. He then encourages 22 to go to Earth. Afterwards, he is ready to go to The Great Beyond, but an officer from The Great Before offers Joe another chance at life as a way to thank him for helping 22. Joe accepts and vows to live the rest of his life fully. Lesson 1: Real happiness is decided by our attitude, not by external circumstances Joe always thought he'd be happy after he attained his dream of being a professional jazz pianist. But after he got it, he didn't feel much different. This is such an important lesson. We can only get temporary stimulation from external things. External things cannot give us lasting happiness. Later, Joe died and got a second chance at life. This time, his attitude towards life is different. Everything is a gift to him. He still lives the same mundane life, but he will cherish and enjoy every little moment. He will have long-lasting happiness due to a change in his attitude. We may not have died and come back to life like Joe, but we can certainly do this kind of thought exercise. It will help us cherish every moment and live fully. Lesson 2: Death isn't only for the old. Don't waste time. Joe wasn't old when he died. Most of us think we still have a long time away until death, but there's no guarantee for that. Stoicism teaches us to remember mortality, that we could leave this life at any moment. This isn't meant to be depressing, but rather motivating. When we realize that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, we stop taking life for granted and start living fully. Whatever dreams we have, we need to chase it now, not later. As for our loved ones and relationships, if we knew we would die tomorrow, how would we behave today? We would probably tell them, "Sorry for any pain I've caused you before. I want you to know that I love you, and I'm grateful for you, and I hope we can end with happy memories." The thing is, even if we don't die tomorrow, we can tell them these words anyway! It is a great way to mend and build relationships. Lesson 3: Let go of obsessions. I really liked the way the movie portrayed people with obsessions as monsters. Indeed, when people get obsessed or addicted to something, it's like they don't have a soul. All they can think about is their obsession, and they cannot feel other people's feelings. They end up hurting themselves and others. In order to prevent addiction and obsessions, we should practice virtues such as kindness and discipline. When we are kind, we are considerate of other people's feelings. Our parents and loved ones would worry if we have an obsession, and a kind person wouldn't want loved ones to worry about them. When we have discipline, we are able to say no to bad influences and prevent them from developing into addictions. Lesson 4: The art of giving advice We've probably all met rebellious people like 22. Although many people might blame 22 for being rebellious, we should see that she is only rebellious because nobody treated her with love and patience. All her previous mentors lectured her rather than try to understand her. When she wasn't able to find a spark, they then started to criticize her, which only hurt her confidence even more. We should all reflect on ourselves to see if we treat others in a similar way. If so, we should apologize and improve ourselves. If we want to be effective at advising others, we need to do so with a loving heart, not one of arrogance or judgment. We should first listen to them patiently and fully understand their feelings and situation. We can try to relate to their experiences to build trust. Once they feel like we truly understand them, they will be willing to listen to our advice. When we give advice, we should be humble and not sound like we are lecturing them, or that they would be stupid if they don't listen to our advice. We should have an encouraging attitude, with the goal to help them flourish. Then we will naturally have a smile on our face and a warm tone of voice. If 22 had encountered this kind of mentor, she wouldn't be so rebellious. The world has enough negative people already. If we can be a source of positive energy for others, then we are making our world a better place, and we would be living a life of great value. Conclusion I really enjoyed watching Soul, not just because of the great animations, story, and music, but also because of the invaluable life lessons delivered in such an artistic way. We would all do well to not take life for granted, to cherish every day, to let go of obsessions, and to practice effective advice giving. If you have any other lessons from this film, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #255

Icon Sources: 1, 2 Do you feel like you have a lot of happiness in your everyday life? Do you smile a lot? I don't know about you, but I can definitely use some more happiness in my everyday life! And in my observation, most people frown a lot more than they smile. My mentor told me that our unhappiness comes from our over-focus on ourselves, which results in our countless thoughts, wants, and worries. If we redirect our attention to thinking about other people, to feeling their feelings, our constant self-centeredness will diminish, which will reduce our suffering. Moreover, when we can notice other people's good intentions, we will be a lot happier! Furthermore, we should start with parents, because parents naturally love their children, and once we can feel their love, it'll be easier for us to feel other people's intentions. Before, I had an article about seeing the intention behind other people's actions. Back then, my main goal was to prevent anger, annoyance, and awkwardness. Usually, when people do something that upsets us, they aren't actually trying to annoy us. People usually have neutral or even positive intentions. After all, who would want to be a bad person when they could be a good person? Who would want to be disliked by others when they could be liked by others? But this time, I had a new realization: We should try to notice people's good intentions because it makes us very happy. If we miss out on people's loving intentions, it's like missing out on free goodies! The key is to let go of our habitual self-centeredness and really direct our attention to feeling other people's intentions. This is best done with people whom you are very close with and obviously love you, such as your parents, partner, and good friends, but even strangers have good intentions too. I'll share some of my experiences below. 1. Mother As per my mentor's suggestion, I started with my family. Recently, my mother cooked some pancakes and then asked me, "Is the food OK?" In the past, I would think, "Of course it's OK. You cooked and saved me time. There's no way I'd complain." This kind of mentality isn't bad, as it comes from a place of duty and righteousness. But this time, I tried to feel my mom's intentions, and I felt how she really hopes her son can eat healthy and happily. When I felt her loving intentions, I felt warm inside, and I naturally said, "Wow this looks great! Mmm this is even better than what we eat at the restaurant because the ingredients are healthier and fresher." Another time, I was working on my computer. My mother came and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, but could you get something for me upstairs?" In the past, I would think, "I'm kind of busy right now, but OK." This time, I felt my mother's politeness. She doesn't actually want to interrupt me, and she is happy for me to concentrate on my work, but she really needs my help right now. When I felt her good intentions, I happily went to get the thing for her. Afterwards, I also asked if there's anything else I can help with. 2. Grandpa A few days ago, my grandpa gave my mother and I two peaches. He said, "It's almost the end of peach season, but those basket peaches are all small. I saw some great big peaches, but they're sold individually, so I bought three, one for each of us. They're not fully ripe yet, so wait a couple days." I know he likes peaches a lot. My mother and I are indifferent. But this time, I felt his intentions: he put in a lot of effort to find the best peaches to share with us, and I felt very fortunate to receive such kindness. The next day, he said, "The peaches are almost ripe. You should eat it tomorrow. The flavor will be at its best." Again, I felt his intention to give us the best, and my heart was filled with joy and gratitude. I thought to myself, "This is such a simple, normal, everyday event, but I feel so much joy and happiness because I can feel my grandpa's loving intentions. Wow!" It also proved to me why ancient philosophies all teach us to cultivate our mind rather than change external circumstances. I truly experienced the joy that can come by shifting my mindset. 3. Boss Last year, I was still teaching high school business, but this year, I'm taking a year off to study in a sinology program. My principal came and asked, "I know you are busy and in school now, but would it be possible for you to record videos for a course you made before? Even if you have to do it slowly, it's OK." This was actually the second time my principal asked. Rather than feeling awkward about needing to reject again, I first felt her intentions. She is actually very considerate and doesn't want to burden me! And I know she has the best intentions for her school in mind. When I felt her good intentions, I was naturally able to respond in a polite and respectful manner. 4. Teacher In our course on morality and ethics, our teacher often repeats the same things over and over again: Make sure to apply what you learn, don't just memorize things for a test. Everyone has infinite potential. You need to believe to achieve. Being a good person is more important than having skills and talent. Are you really educated if you aren't even able to have good relationships? One time, he asked if any of us students re-watched class recordings. Only one person nodded. He then talked for quite a while about having a good learning attitude and applying what we learned into our daily lives. He said if we just note things down to memorize for a test, we are wasting our time. If we truly listen with a respectful attitude, we would have realizations about how to improve ourselves. Also, each class has so many learning points, if we were truly studious, we'd re-listen to some lessons. He went on and on for quite a while. I imagine some people might think the teacher is quite naggy and talks too much. But I felt his good intentions. He really cares about his students and hopes that everyone can get the most out of our time together in this course. It is the beginning of the course, so he really wants to set everyone off on a good start. He's not trying to get us to like him, he is really trying to help us succeed, so he is willing to say all these things at the risk of being disliked. If even one student really listens, then it would be worth it. When I felt his loving intentions, I naturally really appreciated and respected him, and I could focus more when listening in class. I also re-listened to some class recordings. 5. Classmate Recently, our class leader called a class meeting to discuss some procedural things related to our next assignment. However, there were many details that she didn't confirm yet, and she apologized many times, saying things like, "This is what I know so far…Sorry I am still waiting for a response from our professor…Sorry my explanation might be a little unclear…Sorry I forgot to send these things earlier…" In the past, I might get a little annoyed or judgmental and think, "If you don't have all the details yet, why don't we meet after you've confirmed all the details? And you don't need to keep saying sorry so many times." But this time, I felt her intentions. She's trying her best to be our class leader, and that effort is precious. She is also nervous and lacks self-confidence, which is why she keeps saying sorry. When I felt her intentions, I naturally felt that I should assure her and thank her for her effort. 6. Friend I have a good friend who is living in another country, and we chat every month or so. We have a five hour time difference, and recently we chatted for over three hours. I just started my sinology program, and he is a year ahead of me, so I had lots of things to ask. At his 10:30PM, he said, "I need to go sleep soon, so maybe we can wrap up in 15 minutes." I had some other small questions to discuss, and we ended up talking for 30 minutes. He wasn't the slightest bit impatient and thanked me for a good chat. I could feel his sincere care and support, and I felt really fortunate and warm inside to have such a reliable friend. My mother said, "Wow you guys talked for such a long time." I gave a big smile and said, "Yes we had a really good conversation again." Maybe my mother was slightly worried at first, but when she saw my big smile, she smiled and said, "Well, that's great!" Energy is contagious, and I was able to generate a lot of positive energy by cherishing my friend's good intentions, then I passed it on to my mother. 7. Strangers One time, I was going for an evening stroll around my neighborhood. I saw couple people out on their driveway playing loud music. One looked around 30, and the other maybe 60. They were both drinking beer, fixing a motorcycle, and listening to loud music. At first, I was kind of annoyed at them for playing such loud music, which would disturb others. But I tried to see their intentions. I don't know if they are relatives or friends, but they were very happy together. Like all of us, they are just trying to enjoy life and be happy. They are happy together, and it reminded me of the natural happiness between family members. That is precious. This isn't to say it's fine to play loud music outside, but at least I don't hold negative feelings towards them. If I were their neighbor, I'd be able to calmly and warmly ask them to turn down the music a bit, while also wishing them a happy time together. Conclusion Every day, we interact with so many people. How often do we miss out on other people's good intentions because we are too focused on our own thoughts and feelings? Those are all missed opportunities! If we can dampen our self-centeredness and use more energy to feel other people's good intentions, not only would we be more tolerant and patient, we'd also have more love and gratitude in our hearts. By simply shifting our mindset, the same everyday events suddenly become great sources of joy. Weekly Wisdom #254

Image Source Once upon a time, there was a class of grade 3 students. They were talking about future aspirations, and the teacher assigned everyone some homework: To interview their parents and ask them three aspirations that they have for their kid. One student, Joe, was very excited about this homework. That night, after dinner, he eagerly went up to his dad and explained the homework. His dad was happy to help. Joe looked at his dad intently and asked, "Dad, what is your first wish for me?" The father replied, "I hope you have enough appetite to eat every day." Joe was shocked and said, "Dad! What kind of wish is that? Don't you have any grander hopes for me?" The father said, "Joe, if I remember correctly, your homework is to be the interviewer. You can't argue my answers. You can only record them." Joe begrudgingly yielded and said, "OK fine." The father said, "Well, you still have two more questions, right?" Joe regained some hope and said, "Oh yes. OK dad, so what's your second wish for me?" The father said, "I hope you can sleep well every day." Joe replied, "Dad! Can you not give such lame answers? All my classmates will laugh at me! I bet their fathers gave them more exciting aspirations." The father said, "Remember, your job is to be the interviewer. No arguing." Joe helplessly recorded the second answer, then asked, "OK dad, so what's your final wish for me?" The father said, "I hope you can smile every day." Joe replied, "What! Dad, these three aspirations are so ordinary! I'm going to get a horrible grade!" The father said, "Well, I'm not going to change my answers. If you're really dissatisfied with them, you can try interviewing your mother." Joe's eyes lit up and quickly went to his mother. Shortly after, he came back to his father with a dejected look on his face. His father asked, "What happened?" Joe said, "Mother said she agrees with you." His dad laughed and said, "Well then, there you have it. Why don't you trust me and see what happens?" The next day, Joe came home all excited. His father asked him, "So how did your presentation go?" Joe said, "I can't believe it! I got the highest score in the class! 98%!" His dad said, "Oh? Why did the teacher give you such a high grade?" Joe said, "Well, the teacher said that her husband is a very successful person who has a lot of wealth and prestige, but because he has so much stress from work, he often has little appetite to eat. He also worries a lot, so he has trouble sleeping, and he frowns a lot more than he smiles. Although these three wishes seem ordinary, they are key to a good life, and everyone ought to remember them." Commentary A healthy appetite, sound sleep, and a happy mind. These sound simple, but how many people nowadays actually have all three? Being physically and mentally healthy is key to a good life, so these three seemingly simple wishes actually have deep wisdom. Most of us have been taught to chase wealth, prestige, power, and pleasure in life, as if these are the standards for a good life. The problem with these things is that they are like salt water: the more you drink, the thirstier you get. The three wishes that the father had for his child are like plain water: sounds boring, but truly nourishing! For many of us who are stressed and overworked due to "salt water" goals, perhaps switching to "plain water" goals would be a wise move. Laozi said, "There is no greater misfortune than discontentment, and no greater fault than insatiable greed." (Original Text: 祸莫大于不知足；咎莫大于欲得。) In other words, misfortune is not just something that comes from the outside. When we cannot be contented with what we already have, that mindset itself is misfortune because it causes suffering for us. Even more serious than discontentment is insatiable greed, which causes people to commit all sorts of sins, eventually leading to painful consequences. On the other hand, we can become happy by simply being contented and grateful for what we already have. Changing our mindset is much easier than changing external circumstances. As Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power not to want what they don’t have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." In my own experience, if a person can cultivate this kind of mindset, then they would be happy and productive every day regardless of their external circumstances! It's something anyone and everyone can do. This isn't to say that we can't have aspirations or desires, but we should be thoughtful and wise about them. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to make a wise decision: What do I want and why? Is this a positive or negative reason? Is it a must-have or a nice-to-have? What price do I need to pay to obtain it? Is it worth it? What will happen after I get it? Would I just start wanting more things? Or perhaps worry about losing what I have? Again, is it worth it? When we temper our desires with wisdom, we will surely be able to have a healthy appetite, sound sleep, a happy mind, and more. Weekly Wisdom #253

Recently, I was talking to my mentor about some conflicts I had with people. Essentially, they think I'm wrong, and I think they're wrong. Being the wise person that he is, my mentor didn't side with anybody. Instead, he said, "Faults are like poop. When it's your own, you don't care. But when you see other people's, you're absolutely appalled. Isn't that hypocritical?" Icon Sources: 1, 2 I understood his analogy and stopped complaining. Indeed, instead of arguing who's right, the conflict would be easily dissolved if I simply tolerated the other person's faults. After all, we all have faults and bad habits. If we could tolerate others' faults the same way we tolerate our own faults, then there'd be no conflict! This isn't to say that their behavior doesn't need improvement, but I should focus on improving myself first because that's in my control, and only when I improve myself do I have the right to ask others to improve. Moreover, using a blaming attitude towards others just makes things worse. If we can tolerate and accept them for where they're at, then we can approach them with patience, tolerance, and encouragement. As I reflected on this analogy more, I found other similarities between faults and poop. For example, some people have very negative and critical self-talk. If a person talks to oneself harshly, then she will probably talk to others harshly as well. I certainly have had this experience, and I've had to work on my self-talk to become more positive, loving, and respectful. We can remember the poop analogy again. No one scolds themselves saying, "What's wrong with you! You pooped again!" or "You're such a horrible person for needing to poop every single day!" or "Wow, your poop is so stinky. You're such a failure." Similarly, we shouldn't scold ourselves every time we make a mistake. We should encourage ourselves the way we would encourage a little kid learning to walk: with a loving tone and strong belief. We can tell ourselves, "Making mistakes is a normal part of being human and a natural part of the learning process. The important thing is that I learn from my mistakes. I should judge myself based on my ability to correct my mistakes quickly as opposed to not making mistakes. I can definitely do better next time!" Another way faults are like poop is that we shouldn't hold on to them. If we have lots of faults, others will avoid us as if we smell like poop. If we keep holding on to our poop, it will hurt us. Similarly, if we don't eliminate our faults, whether it be anger, laziness, arrogance, or carelessness, those faults will keep hurting us. Unfortunately, a lot of us have gotten used to "fault constipation", so eliminating mistakes doesn't come as naturally to us as eliminating poop; it's something we have to consciously work on. To continue this analogy even further, both faults and poop ought to be studied. Studying our poop gives us clues about our digestion, which is why doctors ask us about our poop! Similarly, our faults and mistakes give us clues about our mental and emotional health because all mistakes stem from the mind. If we can study our faults and mistakes and correct them, then we will become better people. An important principle in medicine is to treat the root cause as opposed to the symptom. For example, if a person has constipation, eating laxatives is treating the symptom. As soon as you stop eating those pills, the constipation returns. Oftentimes, the root is in the person's diet. Perhaps if the person ate more fiber in their daily diet, the constipation might go away. That's thinking in terms of the root as opposed to the symptoms. The same is true for studying our faults. The bad action we do is the symptom, but the root of the problem is in our mind and deep inner beliefs. For example, I have a bad habit of complaining. The act of complaining is the surface-level result, but the cause is in my mind. My mind is too entitled and arrogant; I believe that everyone should think like me. Hence, I can fix the root by changing my thoughts. Instead of telling myself, "What! This person is so unreasonable!" I change my thoughts to, "No one tries to be stupid or bad on purpose. Everyone is doing what they think is right, or they are acting out of habit. Either case, I shouldn't be judgmental towards them because I am the same." This is just one example of getting to the root of a fault. Everyone has different faults and bad habits, and we all need to find the root of our problems. After we figure out the root problem, we'll have to undergo a period of training to unlearn an old thinking pattern and learn a new thinking pattern. I previously wrote about my 21-Day No Complaint Challenge, which was a great kickstart to my training. But even now, I still catch myself complaining, so we need to persist for a long time to change an old habit. Even though it's hard work, it's certainly better than being full of poop/faults! These are just some of my realizations from the fault-poop analogy. The next time you get annoyed at somebody's fault or problem, try to treat them the same way you would treat yourself when you see your own poop. And of course, we all need to work on eliminating our poop and faults! Weekly Wisdom #252

Recently, I was catching up with a friend, and she talked about how she hates being misunderstood, and as a result, she ends up being a people pleaser. Sometimes, she wanted to tell her partner things that he did wrong, but she wouldn't because she was afraid he'd think badly of her. Then she'd accumulate these emotions, and they might burst out in the future. She even stayed in past relationships that she didn't want to stay in just because she wanted to clear up misunderstandings, which then prolonged her suffering. I can certainly relate. I also get upset when others accuse me of having negative intentions when I had positive or neutral intentions. I would complain "Why don't you try to understand me first instead of criticizing me right away?" Or I'd explain my reasoning for doing something, but then the more I explain myself, the more they argue with me (probably because they are upset that I'm not trying to understand them). All of this reminds me of a quote by Confucius: "To not be upset when others don't understand me, is this not the mark of a Cultivated Person?" (Original Text: 人不知而不慍，不亦君子乎？) (Translation Note: The Chinese term Junzi (君子) has many translations, such as Superior Person, Gentleman, and Nobleman. The meaning and connotation of words change over time, and in this case, I've chosen the word "Cultivated Person" to convey that Junzi are people who have actively cultivate their virtues and have attained a certain level of cultivation, whereas common folk do not cultivate their virtues or have not reaped much results yet.) Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 I'm still a common person, so I get upset when others misunderstand me, but I'm working towards being a Cultivated Person. As part of this journey, I've been contemplating this question: Why are Cultivated People (Junzi) able to remain calm and unbothered when others misunderstand them? Below are some reasons I found. They've contemplated deeply about why they should not get angry They focus their energy on cultivating themselves rather than on demanding others to change. They are strict with themselves and lenient towards others. They understand karma They value love and respect They value humility They focus on the greater good 1: Contemplate deeply about why we should not get upset A lot of us know it's bad to get angry or upset, but few of us really take the time to contemplate deeply about the harms of anger, the benefits of not getting angry, and how to prevent anger. As a result, every time we get upset, we don't improve from it, and we just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. In that case, we need to spend the time to reflect deeper and more frequently. The more accurate and deeper we understand our reason for getting upset, the better we can correct it. I was very impressed by Liao Fan's reflection on anger in his book, Liao Fan's Four Lessons: "We all have shortcomings, and I should be empathetic towards others' shortcomings. If others accuse me without good reason, then it is their problem, and that has nothing to do with me. There's nothing to be angry about. Moreover, there isn't a right-minded person who thinks he is always right, nor are there any wise teachings that teach us to blame others. When things do not go the way I wish, it's because my virtues are not cultivated enough to influence others. If I can always reflect on myself, then adversity and slander to me becomes analogous to carving and polishing for a jewel, and I would be happy to accept it. Additionally, if I refuse to get angry, then even if their slander is like a burning fire, it would be like a torch burning itself out in space. If I instead try to defend myself, then no matter how skillful my words are, I would be like a silkworm trapping myself in my own cocoon. Therefore, anger not only doesn't help me, it actually harms me." From his reflection, I could see that he really contemplated deeply about the problem of anger and how to prevent it, especially when faced with slander and unfair criticism. Since he put in the time and effort to do this reflection, he really internalized these ideas, so he is much more able to practice them when someone unfairly criticizes him or misunderstands him. I've also reflected that every time I feel the urge to argue or explain myself in the face of what I feel is unfair criticism, it has never made the situation better. Why? Because everyone thinks they are right. Everyone is stubborn that they are right. If I keep arguing that I am right, their ego will be hurt, and they will argue back that they are right. Eventually, they get so frustrated and feel like we don't care about them, then the relationship is ruined. Thus the saying, "You can either be right, or you can have a relationship." If I can just swallow my ego and keep silent, or even better, say my fault, then the situation gets better immediately. My experiences confirmed the Chinese saying that goes, "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original Text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) Below are more reasons for why we should not get upset and how to cultivate. 2: Focus on cultivating myself rather than on demanding others. Be strict with myself and lenient towards others. Confucius said: "If I correct myself rather than demand others to be different, then I will have no resentment." (Original Quote: 正己而不求于人则无怨。) The Great Stoic Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, is a great role model. He said: "What if someone despises me? Let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good-natured to all, and prepared to show even the hater where the went wrong. Not in a critical way, or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully." In my study of ancient philosophers, I've noticed that all the wise sages of the past teach us to focus on what we can control (ourselves) and let go of everything we cannot control (other people and circumstances). Based on this idea, we should be strict with ourselves (because we can control ourselves) but lenient towards others (because we cannot control them, and demanding them to be different will make everyone unhappy). My suffering comes from my strong desire for the other person to not unfairly criticize me, to understand me first, and to be more reasonable. However, I cannot control the other person, so I feel emotional suffering when they do not fulfill my desire. If I instead turn my energy and attention inwards, and I only make demands for myself to be stronger rather than asking for the outside challenge to be easier, then I will feel a sense of control over my life, and my mind will be at peace. Icon Source Recently, my mentor told me, "Use 'accept unfairness' to be strict with yourself, and use 'no wonder' to be lenient towards others." I thought this was really applicable to me. I'm very strict with myself in terms of being reasonable and fair, but as a result, I hate it when others are unreasonable or unfair (I'm strict towards others too). But if I truly want to be strict with myself, then I should get used to accepting unfairness because everyone will encounter unfair treatment. It's just a normal part of life. To demand everything in life to be fair is quite unreasonable. Additionally, I don't spend enough effort to truly understand others. If I did, then I would say, "Ah, no wonder!" and their behavior would seem reasonable. For example, most people simply aren't taught how to be a good person, how to communicate effectively, or how to have harmonious relationships. Therefore, it's quite normal and common for them to jump to conclusions or make biased criticisms. However, I have learned these good teachings, and I want to practice them to reap the benefits of a good life, so I should be strict with myself and lenient towards others. What makes me even more annoyed is when people have learned these virtuous teachings for a while, but they didn't practice them, and then they use these teachings to judge other people. It is quite hypocritical. One time in a discussion class, my mentor said to us younger people, "So you are upset at your parents for learning these virtuous teachings but not walking their talk. Who do you think has an easier time practicing these teachings, you or your parents? Who learned these teachings at a younger age, you or your parents? Who has had a longer time reinforcing bad habits, you or your parents? If people can be good, who would choose to be bad?" This helped me have more empathy towards many elders who have learned these teachings for a while but weren't practicing them. They aren't trying to be hypocrites. They truly want to be good, but they have bad habits just as I do. I don't want to get upset at misunderstandings, but I habitually still do. They don't want to jump to conclusions and unfairly criticize, but they still do. We're all trying our best, so we should all try to be kind to each other rather than oppose each other. 3: Remember karma Mencius (a Confucian sage second to Confucius) said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (Original Text: 爱人者人恒爱之，敬人者人恒敬之。) We all want to be loved and respected by others, so we should treat others with love and respect first. I remember when I first heard this quote, I thought, "But when I try to be patient and understanding to that person, they don't return the kindness!" Later, I realized that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me nice back. But for someone that I have had conflict with for a long time, we have a negative relationship bank balance. Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance back to positive. We have to accumulate over time by apologizing for our past mistakes and doing kind deeds. After enough accumulation, the relationship bank balance will be positive again. If I have a misunderstanding with someone and I argue with them, that hurts our relationship balance. If I can at least stay silent, then that prevents harm to the relationship. If I can be respectful and humble, that a misunderstanding can actually be a good thing that adds to our relationship balance! The key deciding factor is in my own cultivation and attitude. 4: Value love and respect Whether we know it or not, we all have values that we live by, such as kindness, respect, family, beauty, wealth, power, etc. We should all consciously choose our values, and to help with that, we can ask ourselves: "After I die, how do I want to be remembered? What do I hope people would say about me?" Remember that quote from Mencius above? That's actually not the full quote. Here is the full quote: "The difference between Cultivated People and common folk lies in their intentions. Cultivated people hold the intentions of benevolence and courtesy. A benevolent person loves others, and a courteous person respects others. One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (Original Text: 君子所以异于人者，以其存心也。君子以仁存心，以礼存心。仁者爱人，有礼者敬人。爱人者，人恒爱之；敬人者，人恒敬之。) In other words, Cultivated People value love and respect, thus they always try to treat others with love and respect. Why? Well, there is no one right answer, but Mencius implies that one reason is because they understand karma. Another reason I thought of is that they value love and respect, and they want to be remembered as loving and respectful people. Besides, why wouldn't we want to have love, respect, appreciation, and gratitude in our hearts? It's certainly a much better and happier way to live than harboring resentment, anger, and grudges. Now you might be wondering, "How can we accumulate love and respect in our mind?" Well, just like any habit, it takes persistent practice. Reflect on all the things you did and all the words you said in a day. How many of them came from a loving and respectful heart? At the beginning of our cultivation, probably very little. As we practice more, our loving and respectful intentions will grow in frequency and intensity. To give some examples, in the past, I cooked according to my flavor preferences. Later, I cooked according to my family members' preferences. In the past, I messaged people late at night. Later, I withheld these messages because I didn't want to keep them at late at night. In the past, I talked a lot and often interrupted people. Later, I practiced talking less and resisting the urge to interrupt others. Through all these small daily acts, we accumulate love and respect in our mind slowly but surely. If our mind is already full of love and respect, then even if someone criticizes us unfairly, we have plenty of positive energy to negate their negative energy, and we can maintain our love and respect without much effort and without the help of logical reasoning. This is a higher level of cultivation that can be implemented concurrently with the use of logical contemplation. 5: Value humility In modern western culture, people like to show off their greatness, wealth, possessions, reputation, power, good looks, etc. As a result, their sense of self-worth and self-confidence is reliant on others thinking good of them. I reflected that for me, I am attached to my reputation, or how others view me. Specifically, if someone thinks I am illogical or mean, then my ego is hurt. "What! I try so hard to be logical and kind, how could you accuse me of being illogical and mean!" That's why I get upset. My ego wants to be seen as logical and kind by others, and having a big ego makes me upset when others misunderstand me. Hence, I need to cultivate the virtue of humility to counteract arrogance. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Humble people feel like they are not good enough (not in a self-depreciating way, but rather in a motivating way), that they should be better and achieving more of their own potential. Moreover, humble people see others good points and as better than them (again, not in a self-depreciating way, but in a respectful way). Hence, humble people always focus on improving themselves and learning from every person and experience. They feel they don't have the credentials to judge others to criticize others when they themselves still have so much they need to improve. Although humility can be quite difficult to cultivate due to how strong our habit of arrogance is, it's definitely worth the effort. After all, no one likes an arrogant people who think they are always right, and everyone likes a humble person who is always yielding and respectful. People will attack and bring down the arrogant while help and support the humble. So even if humility is a hard habit to cultivate, we must do it if we want a better future. A great role model is Emperor Tang Taizong, who was one of the greatest emperors in China's history. One time, someone unfairly criticized him, but Emperor Tang calmly accepted it. When the criticizer left, a minister couldn't help but ask, "Emperor Tang, I don't understand. That person's criticism is just wrong. Why didn't you correct him?" Emperor Tang replied: "If I make people feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to advise me in the future." What I really admire about Emperor Tang is that he was not born a super humble person. He has many stories of angry outbursts in his earlier years, but he cultivated his humility over the years. I am still in my early years of cultivation, so I must persevere, then I can be like him too. When I feel the urge to tell the other person why they are wrong, I should first remind myself, "If I make them feel bad for trying to criticize me, then they won't advise me in the future, and I've just chosen arrogance over humility yet again. Better to just accept it. If later, when both of us are calm, I feel that clearing up this misunderstanding is important for our relationship, then I can calmly communicate with them." 6: Focus on the Greater Good Confucius said, "Cultivated People are harmonious but do not conform. Common folk conform but are not harmonious." (Original Text: 君子和而不同，小人同而不和。) Common folk often follow the herd. They conform with what everyone else say and do because they want to avoid trouble for themselves. They are people pleasers, so even if they conform, they may not actually happy about it. Cultivated People, on the other hand, are not afraid to stand up for what's right, even if it means going against the herd. However, they do so with a harmonious and caring attitude, not one of arrogance or anger. But what's the standard for right and wrong? People pleasers will think avoiding conflict and trouble is right. But this is type of thinking is flawed and can lead to negative consequences. Liao Fan's Four Lessons gives a much wiser standard for right and wrong: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." If everyone is doing something immoral, then following the herd may help us to avoid conflict in the short-term, but it leads to negative consequences and side effects in the long run. In such a case, a Cultivated Person would definitely speak up, but in a respectful and caring way. Even if others misunderstand him, he would not be upset because he knows he is doing the right thing. For example, I teach grade 12 business courses, and some students complain that my class is harder and more work than other classes. But I went to business school in university, and I know that the amount of work and difficulty level I give is a fair stepping stone to university, and I communicate this to my students in a calm and respectful way. I'd much rather they work harder in my class and feel well-prepared in university than have an easier time in my class but get shocked and even fail in university. Hence, I can calmly endure the complaints and misunderstandings of some students who only focus on the short-term. Indeed, many students have come to me later and told me that my class prepared them well for their university business classes. Another example is when we have to give critical feedback or bad news to others. We might try to avoid the situation because we are afraid that they will think badly of us or criticize us. But Cultivated people will hone their intentions first. When we are clear that our intention is for the long-term good of the person and the whole group, then we will have a sense of confidence, solidity, and kindness when we deliver our message. If they misunderstand us or criticize us because they are still at the level of short-term and individualistic thinking, then we wouldn't feel upset by their criticism. Conclusion Getting angry and upset when others misunderstand us or unfairly criticize us is such a painful way to live. If we always try to avoid misunderstandings and criticism, then we might become people pleasers, and that's also a very tiring way to live. If we can work towards not being upset at misunderstandings, then we create a lot more happiness for ourselves and the people around us. It's not an easy habit to change, but the rewards are highly worth the effort! If you try out any of the methods of this article, or have any other methods, I'd love to hear about them. Weekly Wisdom #247

Emperor Tang Taizong is considered one of the greatest emperors in Chinese history. During his reign (about 1400 years ago), China experienced unprecedented growth in terms of power, economy, and culture. Hence, people consider his reign as a golden age in China’s history. The key factor to Emperor Tang’s success was his outstanding moral character. He diligently cultivated virtues such humility, integrity, and broad-mindedness. Image Source Emperor Tang’s Humility His humility and willingness to seek criticism was one of his defining traits that contributed to his success. Even if Emperor Tang was wrongfully criticized, he still accepted the criticism with respect and said it was his fault. When others asked him why he didn't correct the criticizer, he said, "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to advise me in the future." Emperor Tang also urged the people around him to be humble and to seek others' criticisms. He told his ministers, "If you can't accept criticism yourself, how can you criticize others?" Emperor Tang wasn't perfect; he still got upset at hearing criticism sometimes, but he always corrected himself. He had a great advisor named Wei Zheng, who was known for providing the Emperor with straightforward and constructive feedback. Image Source Wei Zheng himself said, “I’m not interested in telling you what you like to hear because what you like to hear may not be correct. I’m only interested in being a moral minister. That means as long as something is correct, I will say it whether you like it or not. If all your ministers were like this, then your chances of making mistakes would get smaller and smaller, and the country would become better and better.” One time, Emperor Tang returned from a cabinet meeting and angrily told his wife, "Sooner or later I will kill that Wei Zheng! He always contradicts me and embarrasses me in front of everyone!" Image Source Upon hearing this, the Empress said, "A subject is only willing to present his honest opinion when the Emperor is wise and open-minded. I would like to congratulate your majesty for having a cabinet member who is not afraid to contradict you, because it is proof of your open-mindedness!" Emperor Tang immediately calmed down and thought of Wei Zheng's integrity and moral character. He later said, "A lot of people think Wei Zheng is a direct and tactless man, but I think those are his very charms." When Wei Zheng passed away, Emperor Tang burst into tears at his funeral. He famously said, "Put a slab of copper as a mirror before me, and I can straighten my robe. Put history as a mirror before me, and I can identify the alarming signs of rise and fall in a dynasty. Have a man as a mirror who reflects my flaws, and I can rectify my mistakes. I constantly keep these three mirrors to prevent me from making mistakes. Now that Wei Zheng has passed away, I have lost a mirror!” Image Source Emperor Tang’s Filial Piety Filial piety is about loving and respecting our parents, who are the people that we owe the most gratitude to. If a person cannot even love and respect their parents well, then how could they truly love and respect other people? Thus, filial piety is the first of all virtues. Emperor Tang loved and respected his parents deeply. When he was 14, his mother got very ill. He served by her mother’s bedside day and night and didn’t even change his clothes because he was so worried about her. Before giving her herbal medicine, he would first taste it to make sure the temperature and taste were alright. He also never celebrated his birthday because he viewed it as the day that his mother had to endure a lot of pain to deliver him to this earth. Image Source Emperor Tang was also very filial to his father, who was a military general. One time, his father decided to go invade a nearby war camp. At that time, Tang Taizong was still young and served under his father in the army. He advised his father, “I am afraid this plan won’t work. It is very likely that the enemy has planted an ambush ahead. Not only that, but they can encircle us from behind, which would spell disaster for our army.” His father did not listen. He tried advising his father three times to no avail. He thought about how the next day, his father and the army would encounter an ambush and likely be killed, and he was overwhelmed with sadness. Thus, he sat outside his military tent and cried loudly. His father inside the tent heard the sound of a grown man crying loudly, so he came out to see what was happening. When he saw his son crying, he demanded an explanation. Tang Taizong said, “I tried to advise you to avoid this risky military mission, but you rejected my advice. When I think about your lives being in danger, I can’t help but cry.” His dad, seeing his son so sad, considered his son’s logic again, and decided to accept it. From these two examples, we can see how he sincerely loves and respects his parents. He often thinks of his parents’ kindness towards him and is not demanding towards them. With this foundation of filial piety, he is able to sincerely love and respect all people. Emperor Tang’s Integrity Once, a minister told him, “Your majesty, there are some bad people in your group of advisors. These people only seek to gain your favor.” Emperor Tang replied, “I only employ virtuous ministers. There should not be any bad people in my group of advisors.” The minister said, “There is. I have a method for you to find out who they are. The next time the imperial court is in session, pretend to get very angry and say something unreasonable. Then see who comes to advise you afterwards. The people who advise you and tell you that what you said was unreasonable, those are the virtuous and trustworthy ministers. The people who agree with you and try to comfort you, those are the bad people.” After hearing this suggestion, Emperor Tang replied, “The Emperor to the ministers is like a lake to rivers. The lake is the source, and the rivers flow out from the source. It is impossible for the source to be dirty yet demand the rivers to be clean. Although your suggestion is clever, I think I should first cultivate my own integrity and trustworthiness." When Emperor Tang saw his ministers arguing with each other, he told them: "It is easy to break one arrow, but a bunch of arrows together cannot be broken. We must stay united." Emperor Tang role modeled integrity and trustworthiness, and so his ministers and citizens followed suit. Emperor Tang’s Broad-Mindedness and Benevolence. Emperor Tang showed great tolerance and interest towards all cultures and religions; he did discriminate against others countries and cultures but rather welcomed them. China was the strongest country in the world at that time, but Emperor Tang did not invade any other countries. Instead, he treated them all with benevolence. During his reign, foreign ambassadors frequently visited the capital city to learn from Emperor Tang. At times, there were up to seven translators assisting the communication between a foreign ambassador and Emperor Tang! Emperor Tang was also very generous in donating gifts to foreign ambassadors, giving multiple times more gifts than they brought to China. Due to his great hospitality towards foreigners, thousands of foreign merchants and artisans came to live in the capital and other major cities in China. These people wanted to bring their own religions and cultures to China, and Emperor Tang gave them all permission. Furthermore, Emperor Tang allowed them to build temples, mosques, or churches in accordance to their culture’s designs, and he even donated money to support them. Image Source During this period, religions from all around the world began to develop in China, including Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Manichaeism, Islam, and Nestorianism. Lots of international students also came to study from China and brought Chinese teachings back to their home countries. Emperor Tang’s broad-mindedness was key to the great cultural development and international relations during his reign. Emperor Tang Teaching His Son Emperor Tang was a skillful teacher who seized every opportunity to teach his son important life lessons. One day during a meal, he asked his son, “Son, do you understand ‘food’?” His son said, “No.” He replied, “Farmers need to work hard in the fields for many months to make the rice you have in your bowl. We need to be grateful for our food and not waste it.” Later that day, they went horse riding. He asked his son, “Do you understand ‘horse’?” His son said, “No.” He explained, “Horses serve us humans, but you must treat them well. If you abuse or overwork the horse, the horse will run away. People are the same.” Image Source Afterwards, they were riding a boat. Emperor Tang asked, “Son, do you understand ‘water’?” His son said, “No.” he explained, “Water supports the boat and allows it to float. But water can also overturn the boat if upset. The citizens of a country are the same.” Later, he saw his son lying under the shade of a large tree. He asked his son, “Son, do you understand ‘tree’?” His son said, “No.” He explained, “A tree often doesn’t grow perfectly straight, but a carpenter can turn it into a straight log strong enough to support a building. A monarch who grows up in a palace cannot know everything and will certainly make mistakes. Only by modestly listening to the advice of his ministers can he correct and straighten himself up and become a worthy emperor.” Thanks to his father’s tireless and timely teachings, his son remembered all these important life lessons, and he later achieved even greater success than his father as Emperor. Commentary My favorite quote from Emperor Tang has got to be this one: I admire how he was able to overcome his ego and temper to become such a humble person. I hope to emulate his example and become more humble myself. Emperor Tang is also an excellent example of many teachings from the Confucian classic, The Guide to a Happy Life. If we can learn from his example and also apply the teachings from this book into our lives, we will surely have a happy and successful life as well!

Icon Sources: 1, 2 There was a renowned actor about to go on stage. His student passed by and told him, "Sir, your shoelaces are untied." The actor nodded and said thanks, then he knelt down and tied his shoelaces. After his student left, he knelt down again and untied his shoelaces. An observer saw the whole scene and was thoroughly confused. He asked, "Why did you untie your shoelaces again?" The actor replied, "Because I am playing the role of an exhausted traveler. Having my shoelaces untied shows how long and difficult the journey has been." The observer asked, "Then why didn't you just say that to your student?" The actor replied, "The fact that my student noticed that my shoelaces were untied shows that he is very observant. He also notified me, which shows that he is very considerate. I have to protect and encourage his goodness. Besides, there will be lots of opportunities in the future to tell him why my shoelaces were untied." (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction, Chapter 1) Commentary This story reminds me of a principle for good relationships that I've been working on: See the intention behind their action. Most of us tend to over-focus on people's actions and forget to consider the intention behind the action. Sometimes, we get annoyed or upset at other people's actions, but the person actually had positive or neutral intentions. In such a situation, the other person would feel wrongfully treated if we get annoyed at them. I'm very impressed at this actor's ability to see his student's intentions rather than just focusing on the matter. Moreover, he used the words "protect" and "encourage". "Encourage" is not surprising; we want to encourage people to have good intentions. But the word "protect" caught my attention. Indeed, it can be hard to find people who always hold positive intentions towards others in our modern society. One factor is likely due to popular media promoting selfishness and self-centeredness a lot more than compassion and humility. Thus, if we encounter people trying to be good, we should try to protect their goodness. How do we protect and encourage people's good intentions? Well, it depends on the situation. First we have to see their good intentions, then we can affirm their intentions by saying things like "Thanks for your consideration" or "Thanks for your good intentions." Other times, we just follow their request, as was the case in the story. My Experience In my experience, parents might ask us to do things that we feel are unnecessary, but if we consider their good intentions more, we'd be more patient with them and more likely to listen to them. For example, I was recently fixing the grout in between some kitchen tiles. One tile had a crack, and my mom asked me to put some grout on the crack. I explained that the grout won't work on the crack because grout is meant for the area between kitchen tiles; it is not meant for a crack in the tile itself. Plus, it would look ugly. She still insisted. I asked why, and she said she's worried about safety. At first, I didn't understand how a crack in a kitchen tile constitutes a safety problem. But then I remembered she talked about how a neighbor's kitchen tile cracked and sunk into the floor. Although I still don't think a crack in a kitchen tile is dangerous, I could sort of see why my mother is worried. If I just consider the matter itself, I wouldn't put grout on the crack, but I considered my mother's intentions (safety), so I did what she wanted. This was my way of focusing on people's intention more than the matter itself. Recently at work, a fellow teacher invited me to teach his beginner English class because he wanted to learn from me. Although he viewed me as a senior, I still asked him to give me feedback on my teaching afterwards. He told me to be more careful with time management because I went a little overtime. I was going to explain to him that I actually paid very careful attention to time management throughout the class, and I wanted to explain how I made that judgment call to go a little overtime rather than skipping something important. But I stopped myself. One reason is because I wanted to cultivate humility. After all, overtime is overtime; his advice is reasonable. But I also remembered this story, and I saw that his intention was simply to help. Plus, it takes courage to give advice to a senior. Ultimately, I wanted to affirm his intentions and courage. If I explain myself, then he might not want to give me advice again in the future. Hence, I simply said, "Thank you, I will be more careful in the future." Conclusion Don't over-focus on people's words or actions. Instead, consider the intentions behind their actions. Most of the time, people have positive or neutral intentions, so we shouldn't get annoyed. We should also try to protect and encourage people's positive intentions because that is precious. After all, don't we all want a world with more good people? Weekly Wisdom #243

It's the time of year again when high school students are all graduating! (Image Source) I recently attended the graduation ceremony at the school I teach at, and I felt very proud and happy for many students who had grown so much over the past couple of years. I talked with some students about their future hopes and concerns, and I thought a lot of what we discussed is relevant to all of us, even if we're not recent graduates. Their Concerns Firstly, many students were worried that university would be really hard. Some were worried that they might not be good enough because they hear stories of how lots of students can't meet the grade requirement in first year to continue on to second year, especially for science-related majors. Some students were worried that they can't compete with their peers when looking for a job. I advised them, "You need to believe in yourself and affirm yourself. Our thoughts and actions stem from our beliefs. If you believe that you are not good enough, you will lack motivation, and you won't try hard. That would result in you getting mediocre results. But if you believe that you can do it, then you will work hard and persist. The success of everything depends on perseverance. Everyone has their own struggles. You have your struggles, I have my struggles, they have their struggles. Most people don't succeed because they give up too early. As long as you believe in yourself, you will keep persisting, and as long as you persist, you will definitely succeed." I then proceeded to affirm them: "Chloe, I remember the first class you had with me was Presentation Skills. You were totally not confident in your presentations at the beginning, but by the end, you got so much more confident, and you even achieved one of the top marks in the class. You probably didn't think you could do that, but you did, so you can definitely achieve great things! And Jesse, you didn't get your ideal score on the Business Leadership midterm, but you asked for help and kept working hard, and you got almost perfect on your final project! So the important thing is that you can persist through times of difficulty, and you guys have already done that in the past, so you can definitely do it in the future." They replied, "Wow, thanks Mr. Chen. Yeah I was feeling worried because so many people were telling me how difficult university would be compared to high school, and how it's really competitive to get a job. Now I feel much better." When I heard this, I thought to myself, "There's a lot of negativity in this world. We should all give more words of encouragement and less words of discouragement. We should all help people believe in themselves rather than doubt themselves. We should all help others have hope rather than lose hope." Their Biggest Learnings I asked some students, "What was the most useful thing you learned in high school?" One student said, "Communication skills. I learned it's not enough to just know knowledge, I have to be able to communicate it as well." I said, "That's an excellent point. I was talking to a past student recently, and she told me that she was surprised at how many of her peers lacked good communication skills. And she's in business school! A lot of people think that the people with the highest grades should get the best jobs, or the people with the best ability should get promoted. But that's not what happens. It's the people with good enough grades but excellent interpersonal skills that get the best jobs, and the people with good enough ability but great communication skills that get the promotion. So please, do not forget to join extracurricular activities and practice your people skills during university! These soft skills are key to your career success and also your happiness in relationships, much more so than your grades." One student asked, "So what do you do when you try talking to someone new, and you encounter an awkward silence in a conversation and don't know what to say?" I replied, "Great question. Well, everyone loves talking about themselves, so simply ask questions to learn more about them. Everyone likes people who are interested in them." Another student shared his biggest learning: "I used to be very lazy and unmotivated, but in high school, I learned to be responsible." I asked, "Oh really? You were such a good student in my class! I can't imagine you being lazy. So how did you learn to be responsible?" He said, "Well, my parents work so hard to support my education. I don't want to disappoint them. So even if I don't want to do my work sometimes, I know I have to." I said, "That's great! It's important to feel a sense of duty and responsibility to do the things that we should do, even if we don’t feel like doing it. We should often think about how our parents did their best to give us the best, and always hold the intention to repay their gratitude. It will help us be happy and give us motivation to push through hard times." Another student said, "The most useful thing I learned is Small Simple Steps. If I don't feel like doing something, I know that if I just do the smallest first step to get started, I will feel more motivated to continue. It's been so useful for me!" I said, "Oh yeah, that was a tip from our class on motivation! Yes, if we wait to feel motivated before we start a task, we might never start. But if we just start, then we will have motivation to finish what we started." Another student said, "Definitely emotional intelligence. I used to have so many negative emotions and thoughts. I mean, I still do, but it's much better than before." I said, "Yes, unfortunately, our education system doesn't emphasize enough on emotional intelligence and mental health. It is getting better, but not good enough yet. We only had one lesson on it in Business Leadership and one unit on it in Healthcare, but ideally there could be a whole course on it. In the future, it's up to you to keep learning and improving your emotional intelligence, whether by reading books or reviewing and practicing what we learned in the past. If you learn something really good, make sure to let me know!" After chatting with the students, I thought it was interesting how no one talked about knowledge. Indeed, the most useful and important things are improvements to our character and virtues. It reminds me of a quote from The Great Learning: "Wealth adorns the room. Virtues adorn the person." At the end of the ceremony and party, a recipient who received a Business Award from me came to me and said she somehow lost her certificate. She was kind of upset, so I told her, "It's alright, I'm sure the school can print another for you. But the business award is not that piece of paper. It is within you. You have the virtues and talent deserving of that award inside you." Overall, I had a great time and lots of meaningful discussions at the event, and I even got a souvenir! (I said I'm not a graduate, but they had extra and urged me to take it.) Reflection Although I was giving advice to those students, it's actually great advice for myself as well, and I'm sure many people can relate. I remember before university, I was also worried about not being good enough, or about the future being too hard. But now I know that facing challenges is a normal thing in life, so rather than worry about it, I should learn to get used to it. Moreover, I need to encourage and affirm myself. Although it is certainly great if others could affirm and encourage me, but unfortunately, that's not dependable. Hence, if we have someone who always encourages us, we need to cherish them. And if we encounter someone who lacks belief in themselves, we should give them encouragement and affirmation; it just might make a big difference in their life. But encouragement shouldn't be empty words. We need to bring out proof. Most of us have probably overcome difficulties in the past, so if we could do it before, we can definitely do it again. Plus, human beings are highly adaptable creatures, so whatever challenges come our way, we can find a way to adapt. As contemporary Stoic Ryan Holiday said: "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this." And we should always remember that we don't have to shoulder challenges ourselves, we can always ask for help! I was also quite delighted to hear the students' key learnings. Education on virtues and character is highly lacking in our modern society, and the media often lacks good role models. I'm quite worried for our future generations and the future of our society, but knowing that there are some students who understand the importance of virtue and character gives me hope for the future. For example, communication skills, interpersonal skills, and emotional intelligence are all so important. The best investments (of time and money) that I have made in life are related to improving these soft skills. I have read many books in the self-development genre, such as The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey Principles by Ray Dalio (Summary) Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty (Summary) The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday (Summary) Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (Summary) The Guide to A Happy Life (Summary) I also took communication courses and got training in active listening. I am still improving these skills, and I know they will be useful for my entire life. In my observation, it seems like not enough people invest in these skills, otherwise, people would have a lot more harmony and happiness in their relationships, and our society would be more peaceful. Two students talked about motivation as their key learning. The first one went deep and talked about duty and gratitude. The other one talked about a useful method called Small Simple Steps. If we can have strong motivation and purpose in life, then we will definitely have a life well lived. If we neglect this issue, then we might just drift through life without ever really feeling fully alive, and that would be kind of a shame. I used to think that life is all about pleasure, whether it's food, TV, music, clothes, and so on. But now I know that a meaningful life comes from serving others. As Gandhi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" We should start by serving those whom we owe the most gratitude towards, which usually is our parents and teachers, and then expand that heart of repaying gratitude out towards society and the world. Concluding Thoughts Do I say more words of encouragement or more words of discouragement? Do I have a strong sense of purpose and motivation in life? Have I invested enough in my soft skills, such as communication, emotional intelligence, and conflict resolution skills? Weekly Wisdom #242

Most of us carefully choose how we spend our money. Some of us carefully choose how we spend our time. But few of us carefully choose how we think. Yet, out of these three things, which deserves our most caution and attention? The common maxim goes: “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit; reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.” The way we think is analogous to the operating system of a computer: It is the invisible foundation of everything that the computer can do. Computers with a better operating system will achieve better results, while computers with bugs in their operating system will encounter problems. People who have a good system of thinking will be very happy and successful, while people with bugs in their thinking will encounter many struggles and failures. Most of us could use an upgrade! The great Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "The first and greatest task of the philosopher is to test and separate appearances, and to act on nothing that is untested." In other words, we should test our thoughts to see whether they produce good results, and we should only keep the thoughts that prove to be effective. But coming up with new thoughts to test and creating a system of thinking is not easy. This is where philosophy comes in. Image Source Why Philosophy is Awesome We don't have to start from scratch to create a good thinking system. The great philosophers of the past have already done it for us! We can learn their system of thinking, which has been validated and passed down through time for thousands of years. When we use the thinking system of past sages instead of our own unproven and untested ideas, we will become more happy, free, successful, and effective in life. Now, you're probably wondering where to start with philosophy. Everyone has different affinities and preferences; what works for one person may not be suitable for another person. Therefore, you can start by dabbling in a variety of philosophies and seeing which one resonates most with you. The philosophy that resonates most with you is the one that you personally have a deep liking for and can understand easily. The more you study it, the more you want to study it, and the more results you get in life. After you find a philosophy that really resonates with you, commit to learning that way of thinking thoroughly and patiently. Personally, I am still in the exploration stage, and I have not committed to studying one philosophy deeply yet. So far, I've explored Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism. I've found that Stoicism is excellent for eliminating negative emotions. I recommend The Daily Stoic or The Obstacle is the Way to start. Confucianism is very practical for daily life and great for cultivating positive emotions. I recommend The Guide to a Happy Life to start. Daoism nurtures the spirit and body. I recommend The Dao De Jing or The Treatise on Response and Retribution to start. Buddhism cultivates tranquility, wisdom, and compassion. I recommend starting with The Ten Virtuous Conducts or Liao Fan's Four Lessons to start. Although on the surface, different philosophies and proper religions have their differences, they are all the same at the core: They all teach wisdom (time-proven and effective ways of thinking) and compassion (unconditional love for all). How to Learn Philosophy When learning philosophy, the focus is not on memorizing knowledge to show off to others. The focus is on using it in your life and seeing if it is helpful for you. In other words, you have to be both "The Thinker" and "The Doer". Image Source If you use act on philosophy correctly, it should bring you more happiness and effectiveness no matter what your situation. If you use it incorrectly, then you would get no benefit. Another important thing is that we must concentrate and dedicate our efforts to one book at a time and not start a new book until we've thoroughly learned the current book. For example, I spent all my free time for many months learning The Guide to a Happy Life, then many months learning The Treatise on Response and Retribution, then many months learning The Ten Virtuous Conducts. Lots of people might just read a book once and think they're done. But if you cannot recall the teachings in daily life and use them in daily life, then you have not thoroughly learned that book. I read those books hundreds of times, each time reflecting on how I can better use its teachings in my life. That's why I was able to derive benefit from them. My Experience In the past couple of months, now that COVID restrictions have loosened in my area, I reconnected in person with many friends whom I haven't seen in a while. Many of them commented that I seem to be very happy and wondered what changed for me. I reflected that it must be because I've been immersing myself in philosophy over the past year and a half, and now I'm able to recall and use those teachings in my daily life. As a result, things that used to be problems for me get solved easily and effectively now. Here are 10 common situations that I've applied philosophy to: Re-selecting life values and goals Choosing happiness over pleasure Controlling negative emotions Responding to people's bad behavior Whose opinions to care about Time management and priorities Choosing a restaurant Food and eating Leisure time and influences Not being afraid of problems 1: Re-Selecting Life Values and Goals Before learning the philosophies of wise sages, I used to care heavily about money, prestige, fame, and physical appearances. I felt ashamed if I didn't earn as much money as others or look as good as others. I looked up to people who were famous and prestigious. When I was learning Stoicism, I came across this quote by Will Rogers: "Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don’t like." I realized that was me! I wanted more money to buy things I don't really need to impress people that don't really care. My life values and goals were dumb, and they were causing me a lot of unnecessary unhappiness. All the philosophies teach that kindness and helping others is what makes a fulfilling life. "Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." —Meditations (Stoicism) "Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish with them." —The Guide to a Happy Life (Confucianism) "View others' gains as my own gains. View others' losses as my own losses." —The Treatise on Response and Retribution (Daoism) "Always hold the intention to benefit and comfort others." —The Ten Virtuous Conducts (Buddhism) Later, I changed my life goal to helping others. But compassion needs to be balanced with wisdom. Buddhism teaches us to not be attached or greedy for anything, and that includes helping others. Therefore, I am not greedy to help anyone and everyone, but instead, I wholeheartedly help the people around me who truly need my help. I help them with whatever abilities I have, to whatever degree I can. After I started using compassion and wisdom as my guiding values in life, I felt a lot more happy and at ease. 2: Choosing Happiness over Pleasure Before learning philosophy, I thought pleasure was the same thing as happiness. I often thought about eating delicious food, going on vacations, watching some emotionally riveting TV shows, and playing video games. These things all stimulate the brain with pleasure chemicals s like a drug, and they result in an emotional low afterwards. Philosophy gives us true happiness. This kind of happiness is long-lasting and does not bring a low afterwards. The analogy I gave a friend is "You are riding an emotional rollercoaster. You have high ups and deep lows. It is quite stressful! I decided to get off that rollercoaster and instead ride this boat on this smooth and peaceful river." For example, playing video games is pleasure. Before playing, I crave it. I cannot even control my own thoughts and emotions. While playing, I enjoy it. After playing, I don't want to stop, but I have to or because I need to fulfill my life responsibilities. Then I am not even happy to do those life responsibilities. Seeking this kind of pleasure is extremely miserable. On the other hand, learning wisdom to improve my thinking makes me happier and more productive and able to help more people without any negative side effects. The more wisdom I learn, the more compassionate I become, and the more happy and free I feel. 3: Controlling Negative Emotions All philosophies aim to reduce your negative emotions and help you cultivate peace, ease, and happiness. Recently, when my parents accidentally lost my wallet with all my ID cards and bank cards in it, I only got upset for 5 minutes, and then I was able to return to peace after 10 minutes. I reflected on the teachings of reciprocity, gratitude, and humility, and then I was able to calm down and even feel embarrassed for getting angry at my parents. If it wasn't for all the philosophy I've been practicing, I probably would've been very upset and stressed for a long time. 4: Responding to People's Bad Behavior Philosophy teaches us to only focus on our behavior and to treat others virtuously regardless of their behavior. After all, I am the person seriously learning and practicing philosophy, not them. Example 1: When I covered a class for another teacher recently, one student was extremely obnoxious by spamming the chat and interrupting everyone when they were talking. In the past, I definitely would've been annoyed at this student's impoliteness and at her parent's for not teaching her well. But thanks to the philosophy I learned, I thought about how it must be so difficult for her and her parents, so I shouldn't make things harder for her by getting upset at her and making her feel bad. Moreover, me getting angry will set a bad example for the other students, so I need to maintain a calm composure and smile to set a good example to the other students. Example 2: One of the people living next door likes to smoke on the driveway. Afterwards, he just drops the cigarette butt on the ground. When the wind blows, many cigarette butts will come to my driveway. My mother was very annoyed at this. She felt like the neighbor should know to be more polite and to clean up after himself. But I learned from philosophy to not expect others to be good because they never learned philosophy. I'm the one who is learning philosophy, so I need to be the master of my own emotions rather than letting the outside control my emotions. Image Source Philosophy is also practical. Confucianism teaches me to lead by example. Daoism teaches me to repay mistreatment with virtue. So I went and picked up all the cigarette butts on my driveway, then all the cigarette butts on my neighbor's driveway. While I was cleaning up their driveway, the smoker's daughter happened to see me and then came out and apologized, saying she will ask her father to put the cigarette butts in a garbage bin in the future. The problem was solved without anyone feeling any resentment towards each other! 5: Whose Opinions to Care About In the past, I cared a lot about everyone's opinions, including my parents, grandparents, friends, colleagues, and even strangers! Later, I learned that we should only care about the opinions of wise sages because they truly want the best for us AND have the wisdom to know what is best for us. If we follow their advice, our life will get better and better. But if we care about anyone and everyone's opinion, then we set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness. Example 1: My grandpa often tells me to keep busy and work lots and make more money. Philosophy teaches me to focus on cultivating my kindness and wisdom. Hence, I now work enough to earn enough money, and I also make use my work to help others. But I don't take on extra part-time jobs anymore. Instead, I use all my leisure time to study philosophy or to help the people around me. I also communicated with him about how helping others is a much better life mission than simply making money. Example 2: Many of my friends have plenty of money and think it's normal to spend their money on pleasure such as restaurants, games, and vacations. I remember talking to a friend recently and explaining how I've been practicing the virtue of frugality; my monthly expenses are now extremely low, so I have very little financial pressure. He thought I was quite strange. In the past, I might have felt embarrassed or pressured to not seem strange in front of a friend, but now I'm perfectly happy with it because I know the sages would be proud of me. Why? Because my purpose for being frugal is to save natural resources for the Earth and to make more time for study. My purpose is not selfishness. When our meal was over, I went to pay the bill without letting him know, and he was pleasantly surprised. He learned that people who are frugal are actually quite considerate, which is why they don't waste money or resources, and they are very willing to spend money to help others. 6: Time Management and Priorities Before, I often felt bad saying no to people who asked me for help. But like everyone else, I'm very busy! Later, I learned from Confucianism that I should fulfill my responsibilities to others in the order of most gratitude to least gratitude. Parents have most gratitude because without them, I wouldn't be here. Work leaders comes second because without them, I wouldn't be able to support my current life. Friends probably come next because we've known and helped each other for so long. Everything else goes after. Therefore, I first make sure my parents are happy, then my work boss, then my friends, then everything else. Before, I prioritized work over family. As a result, I had a lot of conflict in my personal life, and I was not happy. Now, if there's a conflict between work and family, I pick family first. As a result, my personal relationships are great, and I can bring that sense of happiness and peace to my work, which allows me to do a better job! Another time, a friend of a friend asked me for help. I refused in good conscience. Firstly, this person is very far away from me. I barely have enough time to serve my family, work and friends, so I should not take on this extra burden, which would reduce my ability to serve those closest to me. Secondly, this friend of a friend does not truly need ME to help him. His problem is not dire, and he can find others to help him. However, another friend of a teacher asked me for help. They were actually in dire need of help, and I was the only person they knew who could help them. I then communicated with my parents, and they agreed that I should help them to the best of my limited ability. Hence, I agreed to help them with a big favor while also sincerely communicating the limits of my abilities. They could feel my good intentions without having unrealistic hopes towards me. 7: Choosing a Restaurant All philosophies teach us to be considerate towards other people. Although I choose to eat vegan, I make sure to not be demanding or judgmental towards other people who are not vegan. After all, to be kind towards animals but not to my own family or friends would be very hypocritical. So when I go out for meals with family or friends, I always let others choose the restaurant. If they happen to choose a vegan restaurant to accommodate me, then I make sure to pay. Or if it is their birthday, then I will pay regardless of the restaurant they choose. If it is my birthday and they want to pay, then of course I will let them have the joy of giving. Philosophies also teaches us to love all people equally and to let anyone feel mistreated. One time, my father wanted to go out for a meal, while my mother wanted to stay indoors. On the surface, it looked like these two options are incompatible, but philosophy teaches us to think win-win. How can each person get what they want? I asked each person why they want what they want. My mother said COVID is still serious outside, and she doesn't feel comfortable going out. My father said it's a special day, we ought to get some good restaurant food to celebrate. After I understood their motives, I proposed we order quality food from a restaurant and then eat at home. They were both happy with the solution, and no one felt wrongfully treated. Example 8: Food and Eating Before I learned about philosophy, I used to be quite picky with my food. I picked my foods based on taste rather than on health. I also indulged in unhealthy snacks. After I learned Confucianism, I learned that having a healthy body is the first requirement for being a good person because a good person wouldn't make their parents worry, and parents often worry about their children's health. Therefore, I started learning about healthy eating and encouraged my parents to eat healthily with me. Another bad habit I had was eating too full because the food tastes good. Confucianism emphasizes something called the Middle Way, which basically means finding the optimal degree. Too much is just as bad as too little. When it comes to food, we should eat about 80% full. At first, I was worried I might get hungry between meals if I eat less, but once I tried it, I realized not only did I not get hungry between meals, I also felt better and more focused! I also learned that my food choices greatly impact climate change and the future of our Earth. Since I eat three times a day, I can help the Earth three times a day. Whenever I buy groceries, I first look for organic and local foods. Although they might cost more money for me, they are much healthier for planet Earth and us consumers of the food. Example 9: Leisure Time and Influences Philosophers all teach us to choose our surrounding people and influences very carefully. We need to surround ourselves with virtuous and positive influences and get rid of negative influences. In the past, I used to spend my leisure time playing video games, watching TV and Hollywood movies, and scrolling social media. Later, I realized that most of these things were teaching me vices like selfishness, arrogance, anger, indulgence, and rudeness. People who expose themselves to this kind of content everyday will think it's normal, and they will encounter lots of problems in their life. Once I realized that I was consuming negative content, I decided to replace it with positive content. I deleted the negative influences on my social media and replaced them with positive and inspiring ones. Instead of watching Hollywood movies, I watch YouTube videos on philosophy. Instead of playing video games, I read about philosophy and write articles to share what I learned with others. After I chose to spend my leisure time around virtuous influences, the rate of my growth accelerated greatly. Example 10: Not Being Afraid of Problems I used to get really annoyed and unhappy when I faced problems and hardship in life, especially if it involves other people. I remember thinking life would be so much easier if I could just live alone by myself and not have to deal with anyone else's problems. That kind of thinking is a result of my lack of wisdom to effectively handle problems. A key idea in Stoic philosophy is that "the obstacle is the way." Without challenges and problems in life, we would never advance or improve ourselves. It's just like how we need to lift heavy weights at the gym to grow our muscles. Therefore, we can view problems positively and productively by seeing them as a necessary challenge for our growth. All philosophies also teach us to stop complaining about the things outside our control, which includes the outside world and other people. Instead, we must focus on what we can control, which is only our mind and actions. The matter itself is not the problem, but how we view the matter is the problem. If we view a matter as unfair and an annoyance, then that attitude is what makes us suffer. If we instead view this "problem" as a gift or a lesson trying to make us better, or as an opportunity to practice philosophy, then we will happily embrace the problem and be determined to resolve it. Through solving problems, our wisdom, ability, and self-confidence will grow. Example 1: When I got a painful canker sore in my mouth, I viewed it as a chance to practice the virtue of "enduring hardship". I worked very hard to make sure I didn't get angry at the people around me due to the pain in my mouth. Therefore, this painful canker sore is here to help me grow. Example 2: When I have a difference of opinion with others, or when people in a group all have differences in opinions, I used to get annoyed and not want to deal with people's dramas. But now, I view it as a chance to use philosophy to find a solution that everyone can be happy with. Therefore, these interpersonal conflicts are here to improve my abilities. Conclusion If you want to improve every aspect of your life, then improve your thinking. If you want to improve your thinking, then learn philosophy. Find a philosophy that resonates with you, and then set aside a large period of time (such as a few months to a year) to learn one book from that philosophy. Read and reflect on it every day until you can use its teachings naturally in your daily life. If you do this properly, you will surely feel more happiness, peace, and effectiveness in your daily life!

The Four Heavenly Kings can often be seen in Buddhist temples. If you’ve ever travelled to temples in Asia, you might have seen them before, but you probably had no idea about the symbolism that they represent. Recently, I heard a talk from Buddhist Master Jing Kong that what the Four Heavenly Kings symbolize, and it is quite enlightening! Image Source The Four Heavenly Kings are the protectors of dharma, which we can think of as the proper and good teachings passed down by enlightened people such as the Buddha. Each king holds a different object, which symbolizes a different teaching. Their teachings explain how to have a good life and a prosperous society. The West King The West King’s name is Guang Mu (廣目天王) in Chinese and Virūpākṣa in Sanskrit. The meaning of his name is “wide seeing”. He holds a dragon/snake in one hand and a pearl in the other hand. The snake symbolizes constant change, just as a snake can shed its skin. Therefore, the lesson is to pay more attention to the people around us when interacting with them to maintain harmony. For example, when we talk to others, we should pay close attention to their facial expressions to see if what we are saying is of interest or of bother to them. If they are keenly interested, we can talk more. If they look uninterested or offended, we should stop talking. The pearl represents eternal principles that never change. Examples include treating others with respect, sincerity, love, and humility. In summary, the West King teaches us to follow eternal principles while adapting to the ever-changing circumstances of the current world. The East King The East King’s name is Chi Guo (持國天王) in Chinese and Dhṛtarāṣṭra in Sanskrit. The meaning of his name is “supporting the country”. He holds an instrument called the pipa, which is a string instrument similar to a lute. This does not mean the East King likes music. Rather, the pipa teaches us that in handling matters and relationships, we need to follow The Middle Way (中道). The strings on a pipa must be just the right amount of tightness for the musical note to play properly. Similarly, when we do things in life and for others, we must not overdo things nor under-do things. For example, when cooking food, we must not overcook nor undercook. When teaching others, we must not be overly strict nor overly lenient. When doing things, we can’t rush nor be too slow. The examples of endless, and so we should always remember to follow The Middle Way. The South King The South King’s name is Zeng Zhang (增長天王) in Chinese and Virūḍhaka in Sanskrit. The meaning of his name is “progress”. He holds a sword. The sword does not mean he likes to fight. Rather, it represents wisdom, which can cut through ignorance and scattered thoughts. The South King holding a sword symbolizes the desire to grow our wisdom daily, which requires us to study and practice the proper teachings left behind by the past sages. It also requires us to reduce our scattered thoughts and cultivate inner peace and concentration. Extended further, the South King can also mean to not be lazy and to seek progress in life, whether that be in our wisdom, virtues, talents, or work. The North King The North King’s name is Duo Wen (多聞天王) in Chinese and Vaiśravaṇa in Sanskrit. The meaning of his name is “More Sensing”. He holds a large umbrella. The umbrella represents shielding oneself from pollution to maintain a pure and proper mind. Modern society has many negative influences teaching people to be greedy, arrogant, and selfish. The North King is not saying to stay indoors and avoid contact with the polluted world, but rather to maintain purity of mind in our interaction with the outside world. For example, we might see a commercial telling us how buying their product will make us happier. If we can see the commercial and maintain a peaceful mind that is not moved by greed, then we have shielded ourselves from the pollution. If instead, we buy it when we don’t really need it, then we’ve fallen prey to the outside pollution. To give another example, maybe we see others littering on the street. If we can maintain a peaceful heart and not judge them nor copy their bad act, then we’ve shielded ourselves. Clearly, this requires daily cultivation, hence why the North King is the final one. Maitreya Bodhisattva Maitreya Bodhisattva can be found inside the Hall of Heavenly King. We can see that he is laughing with a big smile and a big belly. Both of these traits are also symbolism. Image Source The big laughing smile teaches us that learning Buddhism should be joyful. If you become more joyful as your learning progresses, then you are doing it right. It you become less joyful, then you’re doing something wrong. A common example is that when we learn about standards for being a good person in Buddhism, we should only apply those standards onto ourselves, not others. If we start judging others for not meeting such standards, then we become unhappy. Moreover, others will become annoyed at us for becoming so judgmental towards them, and this creates more conflict and unhappiness. If we are becoming unhappier after learning Buddhism, then we are doing it wrong. Another meaning of the big smile is that we should give others joy whenever we can. Emotions are contagious, and giving others a joyful smile is a great gift. When others see us joyful, they will naturally want to learn from us. So before trying to teach others, we should first practice and experience joy from practice. When others see our joy, they will naturally be interested. The big belly teaches us tolerance. In China, it is believed that those with big bellies tend to have more tolerance, patience, and steadiness. Tolerance is the key to harmony in society, where there are so many different people and groups, each with their own beliefs and habits. We should respect all people equally, which will help us maintain a peaceful and calm heart. If everyone respects each other equally, then we will have peace and prosperity in the world. Conclusion The next time you visit a temple and see statues of the Four Heavenly Kings or Maitreya Bodhisattva, you’ll know to remember the teachings related to their symbolism! If we can keep their teachings front of mind and practice them, then we can surely have a good life and prosperous society.

Have you ever been really busy, and then someone comes to talk to you about their troubles, and you're sitting there listening while thinking, "When is this going to be over? I don't have the time for this!" It can be a tough situation. On the one hand, we don't want to be cold and heartless. On the other hand, we got important stuff to do too! Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 Recently, a classmate of mine was talking about how when he was studying for a big test, his friends would come and talk to him about their relationship troubles. He would give them some advice, but it seemed like these people just wanted to rant, and they didn't listen to his advice. Moreover, as he listened more and more to them rant, he started to feel bad from all their negative energy. Hence, he decided to stay away from them and used his exam as an excuse. When I heard this, I thought it was reasonable. After all, we need to fulfill our responsibilities before helping others. But when my teacher heard this, he gave some wiser advice. If someone truly needs our help, but we ignore their call for help because we are too "busy", then we will have a guilty conscience. What if they commit suicide because we were their last hope, but we ignored them? So we need to first understand the seriousness of their situation. If they are feeling really low, then we should try to help. If it's a trivial matter, then we can politely decline. Assuming it is a serious matter, and they really want our time, then we have to consider our ability. If we only have 30 minutes, then we can tell them, "I really do care about you, but I also have some pressing matters right now, so I can only discuss for 30 minutes. But I promise you have my full attention for these 30 minutes." Moreover, we could recommend them to someone with better abilities. For example, we could say, "After listening to your situation, I think our mutual friend Sarah would be a good person to talk to about this issue. Let me ask her if she's free." It's important that we personally connect them to the third person rather than asking them to contact the third person, otherwise we are being irresponsible, and the other person will feel like we are trying to brush them off. Next is their willingness to listen to our advice, which would be reflected in their reaction to our advice and whether or not they act on it. If they just want to rant and are not interested in solving the problem, then we can limit our time with them. Sometimes, people seem to react positively to our advice, but then they don't follow through, and then later they come back to rant about the same problems. In this situation, we can set conditions for the next chat. For example, we can say, "Please try my advice before our next chat, and then we can talk about how it went." We could also ask them to watch an advice video or read an advice article before chatting, and then discuss that advice during the chat. These are all ways to reduce the amount of discussion time while also increasing the effectiveness of the time spent. My Reflection I'm reminded of this quote by Confucius: "Superior people follow the Middle Way, so they always do things to just the right degree. Common people violate the Middle Way, so they act without restraint." (Original Text: 君子之中庸也，君子而時中；小人之中庸也，小人而無忌憚也。) Oftentimes, people think in extremes. It's either I help them or I don't help them. But a better question would be, "To what degree do I help them? How do I help them to that appropriate degree?" The answer depends on many factors, such as How much do they really need you? How much ability do you have? How willing are they to listen to your advice? There have been times in the past where I overburdened myself trying to help others. That's probably why I was of the opinion that we need to protect our own time first and help others only when we have spare time. I went from one extreme (helping others at the cost of myself) to another extreme (unwilling to endure inconvenience for others). What I need to do is find the Middle Way, and that requires wisdom. Image Source For many people, it's easy to be compassionate at the beginning, but because we lack wisdom, the result turns out bad, and then we lose our heart of compassion, which is really a big shame. If humans only care about themselves and don't care about others, then what makes humans better than animals? Thus, it's so important that we cultivate both compassion and wisdom. Conclusion In situations where we are busy but others ask us for help, we don't need to offer them all our time, nor should we flat out reject them. We ought to consider the severity of their situation, and we can make more effective use of our time by setting time limits, requesting them to read certain advice beforehand, or referring them to someone with better ability. Of course, these tactics all need to be implemented in a polite manner and with a sincere attitude. We do not want the other person to feel like we are brushing them off or that they are being a burden to us. Not helping others when they ask for help is inhumane, but overburdening ourselves or wasting time is unwise. Compassion needs to be balanced with wisdom. Weekly Wisdom #240

A couple weeks ago, I shared a story about a conflict that someone had with her mother-in-law. A key learning from that story was that sometimes, we think we are totally right and the other person is clearly at fault. But if we were more humble and wise, we would see our mistakes. When we see our own mistakes, we would stop feeling resentment and instead feel clarity on how to improve ourselves and prevent the same problem from occurring in the future. I was recently reminded of that story when a student asked me for some advice regarding some conflict he was having with his home room teacher. He believed that his home room teacher is quite illogical and unreasonable sometimes. I asked him to give some examples of conflicts with that teacher. He said, "Earlier this morning, she came to remind me to submit a university application by Sunday. I said, 'Yes I know. Here is my plan, which explains what I will do day by day.' The teacher said again, 'OK just make sure you submit it by Sunday.' I said, 'Yes I know, my plan says that I will submit it by Sunday.' She said, 'You should pay attention to your attitude.' I got annoyed because I was simply replying her concern. I don't understand why she reminded me a second time after I showed her my plan. Another time, we needed to set up some tables and chairs for an activity. We have always done it a certain way, but the home room teacher wanted to do it a different way. I said, 'If you do it that way, it will have this kind of problem. It’s better if we do it the usual way.” But she still insisted on doing it her way without any logical reason, so I got annoyed and raised my voice at her." These two examples really reminded me of that daughter-in-law who said to her mother-in-law, "Mom, if you have any problems with me, just tell me directly. You don't need to tell others behind my back." If we just look at the content of those words, it seems reasonable. But when we look at the attitude behind those words, we see opposition, annoyance, and arrogance, and therein lies the source of their conflict. This student has the same problem with his home room teacher. The First Incident I said, "OK, I can see why you might get upset at your home room teacher. But let's try to jump out of your perspective and see the whole situation more objectively. When your home room teacher reminded you to submit your application on Sunday, what kind of intention did she have? Was it negative, neutral, or positive?" He said, "Probably positive. She was just trying to remind me to do something I need to do." I said, "I agree. But you did not see her positive intentions. Instead, you got annoyed at her. Why?" He wasn't sure. I continued, "I think it might be because you were overly focused on the matter. She mentioned the application, and right away you said you already know. If you were focused on her kind intention, you would have said 'thank you' first. Try seeing things from her perspective. If you do something nice for others, but the other person treats you disrespectfully in return, how would you feel? Most of us would feel annoyed or upset. That’s just normal human sentiment." He nodded slowly in agreement. I then added, "We can go deeper here. At the beginning when she reminded you the first time, you did not feel gratitude. Instead, you felt annoyed. I think you might have unfair prejudice towards her. You often view her actions as illogical or causing trouble. But let me ask you: Do you think anyone purposely tries to be stupid? Do you think anyone purposely tries to be bad? Of course not! We all do the things we do because we believe it is the right thing to do. Besides, your home room teacher is a kind person! There’s no way she is purposely trying to cause trouble or upset you. So why do you have to view her actions as causing trouble? So the root of your problem is your unfair prejudice towards her. Every time you have a conflict with her, the matter is different. This time it's the university application, next time it's the tables, another time it will be something else." He nodded and said, "Yes! I feel like there's always new things arising that cause conflict between us!" I continued, "Exactly. Even though the matter changes each time, the root of the conflict never changes, and that root is your attitude towards her. If you truly respect and appreciate this teacher, you would’ve said something like, 'Thank you teacher. I have already made a plan to make sure I submit it on time. Could you have a look and let me know if it is OK?' Or even better, you would have taken initiative to report this plan to her before she had to remind you. So basically, she came to you with positive intentions, yet you replied with negative emotions. So the problem actually started with you, not with her. When you encounter a problem, don't blame others, always reflect on yourself. He said, "Wow I never thought of it that way. How would you think to say, 'Thank you teacher. Here is my plan. Can you check to see if it is OK?' I feel like I can't think of that in the moment." I replied, "Great question. Like I said earlier, you need to cultivate a respectful attitude. When you truly respect someone, you would naturally know to say this. Have you ever heard of Seven Timely Acts of Love? Those are really important for cultivating respect. Anyway, I'll just give you three to practice with your teacher: Ask for guidance, check your understanding, and report your results. You should do this towards all elders, whether it be parents, teachers, or leaders. For example, after our discussion, you can report your key learnings to that teacher. Then she would feel like you respect and trust her, and she can remind you of these lessons in the future too." He looked a bit reluctant, so I said, "Maybe you feel like your trust level towards her is not there yet. But she is a good person. She truly wants the best for you, and she has lots of life experience. Besides, the important thing is, you need to cultivate YOUR respect and humility. Let me ask you: Do you want to receive advice and guidance from wise elders?" He said, "Of course." I said, "OK, so if a wise elder sees the way you treat your home room teacher, would he want to give you advice? You need to learn from Emperor Tang. No matter who gives him criticism, he always accepts it without argument. One time, someone criticized Emperor Tang unfairly. Afterwards, a minister said to him, 'Your highness, that person's criticism was completely wrong! Why didn't you argue back?' Emperor Tang said, 'If I had argued with him, then he would feel bad. After he leaves, he would tell people that he tried to advise the Emperor, but the Emperor argued with him. In that case, who would dare to advise me in the future?' If you can be like Emperor Tang, then wise elders would definitely take initiative to give you advice." He looked surprised but convinced. The Second Incident I decided to move on to the next incident. "Let's talk about your other incident regarding the table and chairs. You thought that your home room teacher was illogical for raising wanting to arrange the tables and chairs in a new way. But did you check with her why she wanted to do it that way?" He said, "Yes. But her reason didn't make sense. She thinks it is a good idea, but if we actually do it, she'll realize the problem. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't listen. I understand you said I should respect her, but what if her idea is wrong?" I said, "That is a very valid concern. Our elders are not sages. They have faults and problems too. Some are serious, some are minor. If they want to do immoral things like killing, stealing, cheating, or lying, then of course we need to stop them. But if it is something minor, then we can gently advise them. If they are still insistent, we should yield and let them have what they want. Otherwise, it will make them very annoyed and upset, and we don't want them to be upset. We can wait until they are in a better mood to try advising them again. In your case of arranging the tables and chairs, is that a major issue or a minor one?" He said, "I guess it is pretty minor." I said, "Exactly. So you are wrong for being so stubborn about it. I used to have conflict with my mother, but later I made a rule for myself: Harmony is more important than logic. Harmony is king. So when my mother asked me to do something that I felt was illogical, and she couldn't persuade me, I still did it anyway. These are all minor things. Maintaining harmony is a major thing." He asked, "But why are you able to prioritize harmony when their idea is illogical? Don't you feel a little bit reluctant?" I said, "Yes, at the beginning, I had to force myself. But over time, it gets easier. Ultimately, it goes back to cultivating our gratitude and respect towards the other person. In the case of my mother, I remind myself that without my mother, I would not be here today. Our parents go through so much hardship, trouble, and worry for us. If I make her upset, then that is like stabbing a loved one in the back. In the case of your home room teacher, can you feel how hard she works for all of you students? She is not that young, and her health is not excellent, but she still works so hard for all of you. Without her, would you have this study environment? Can you feel that she really wants you to have a bright future, and that’s why she worries sometimes? Are we deserving of this kind of love? Do we repay their love with respect? If not, then shouldn’t we be ashamed of ourselves? When we deeply appreciate the other person, we would not argue about every little thing, we’d let them have what they want because we want them to be happy. Maybe arranging the tables her way might be a bit inconvenient, but the way you made her feel is the important thing. You can do it her way first, then ask her again afterwards. Maybe once she realizes her method is not that great, she will change. But even if she doesn’t change, it’s fine because it’s a small matter, and making her happy is much more important. When she feels that you have a respectful attitude towards her, your relationship will naturally get better. So the root of everything goes back to your attitude.” By this point, we had chatted for nearly two hours, and I could feel that his mentality towards himself and his home room teacher had started to change. He felt less confused and helpless in his conflicts with her, and he had some ideas for how to improve. Concluding Thoughts The problem that this student had is also a problem I am working on, and I think it is a problem most of us have. Hence, my intention for sharing this story is to help myself and others avoid this problem. It's easy for us to see other people's problems, but it's much harder for us to be aware of our problems. That's why when we have conflicts with others, it is often helpful to get advice from a wise, neutral third party. In this case, I was able to help this student because that story of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law was fresh in my head, and I didn't have any partiality towards the student or that home room teacher. But just because I am able to give this advice doesn't mean I can practice it consistently, so this is also a reminder for me to walk my talk and not be a hypocrite. Let us all work towards this goal: When things don't go according to our wishes, don't blame others, don't blame circumstances, find our own problems and improve ourselves. Weekly Wisdom #239