Have you ever been in an embarrassing situation and not know what to do in the moment? Recently, I was at a lunch event with one of my teachers, Venerable Chengde, and someone did something quite embarrassing. I was really impressed by the way my teacher handled the situation. Basically, lots of people were talking with my teacher and inviting him to give lectures at different places. He said, "I appreciate the invitations, but I really need to settle down and improve my own abilities first. Otherwise, I don't have much to help others with. Also, this year has been extremely busy for me. As you can see, I'm becoming more and more skinny. This is setting a bad example for people. If I don't make some adjustments, I'll end up heroically sacrificing myself." Then the person beside my teacher started clapping with a big smile. Immediately after, the person beside that person said, "What are you doing?! You can't clap!" He probably misunderstood Venerable Chengde's words, and when he realized that no one wants Venerable Chengde to die from exhaustion, he felt really embarrassed. I was thinking, "Well, this is quite awkward…" Then, Venerable Chengde said: "It's okay. We need to see the intention behind his action." Image Source Then he shared a couple stories: When I was studying under Venerable Jing Kong in Australia, there was a special guest who requested to sit near Venerable Jing Kong. That night at dinner, she found out her seat was right beside Venerable Jing Kong. She was quite startled and told the organizer 'I said closer, but not this close!' She was probably nervous because Venerable Jing Kong has such high prestige. Anyway, as they were eating, she suddenly said, 'Venerable Jing Kong, you truly have natural radiance!' Immediately, the person beside her said, "This isn't natural radiance! This is the magnificent image of Buddhism!" Suddenly, the atmosphere got really awkward, and no one knew what to say. Then, Venerable Jing Kong said, "Natural radiance is good." Immediately, she signed a breath of relief. You see, Venerable Jing Kong saw the intention behind her actions. To her, 'natural radiance' is already the biggest compliment she could come up with. She doesn't have 'magnificent image of Buddhism' in her vocabulary bank. The person who criticized her only saw her action, but not the intention behind her actions. A similar situation happened to the Buddha. One day, he went out to beg for food as usual. There was a little girl playing happily with some mud. When she saw the magnificent image of the Buddha, she felt extremely moved, and she rushed over to give him the mud she was playing with. When she put the mud in the Buddha's bowl, the student beside the Buddha got really angry and said, "What are you doing?! You can't put mud in the Buddha's bowl!" The Buddha immediately stopped his student and his, "It's okay. Today, I received treasure. Thank you." You see, the student was overly focused on the girl's actions, so he got angry. But the Buddha saw the intention behind the action. To that little girl, the mud was her favorite thing in the world, and she was willing to give it to the Buddha. That is precious. Likewise, we need to see the intention behind this person when he clapped for me. My feeling is that he has a strong sense of heroism, and he is willing to sacrifice himself for others, and that is very precious." After my teacher finished speaking, everyone's look towards that man changed from awkwardness to smiles. He himself felt relieved. My Reflection Oftentimes, people have positive or neutral intentions, but we misinterpret their intentions as negative, or we just overly focus on their actions. As a result, we create awkwardness, or even worse, conflict, when we really didn't need to. For example, one time my neighbor brought over a lot of pears from his pear tree to my house. I said to my mother, "Wow, that's a lot of pears." Shortly after, another neighbor came over, so I gave some of the pears to that neighbor. Later, my mother later said, "Why did you give so many pears to them? You should've consulted with me first! I had other plans for those pears." I felt upset because I thought I was doing a good thing to share the pears with others. My mother was logically correct that I should have checked with her first, but I would have felt better if she could affirm my intentions first by saying, "It's great that you like to share good things with others, but next time you should check with me first. After all, the neighbor gave it to us, not you, and I might have other plans for those pears." But anyway, we cannot demand others to change, we can only change ourselves. Therefore, I can cultivate my humility and remind myself to never assume negative intentions. Instead, either assume positive intentions from others, or check their intentions. I heard another example where a student was really tired and overslept past breakfast. When she woke up, she was angry at her roommate for not waking her up to go eat breakfast. Her roommate got upset too because she thought it would be better to let her sleep more since she was so tired. It would have been much better if the person said, "Hey I just wanted to ask why you did not wake me up for breakfast? Oh thank you for being considerate and letting me sleep more. Sorry for making you worry. By the way, next time, could you wake me up and ask me if I want to go to breakfast? That way I can decide myself. Thank you." To give one last example, one time I was chatting with some teachers, students, and parents. Everyone was sitting except for another teacher, myself, and a student. After a while, that student went to grab a chair. After the student sat on the chair for a few minutes, his mother suddenly said, "What are you doing? You should get chairs for the teachers!" The student probably had neutral intentions; he simply didn't think to get chairs for the teachers, but he was not purposely trying to be disrespectful. The parent was overly focused on the action and didn't consider her son's intentions, nor did she consider how her words would make her son and the people there feel very awkward. Then the other teacher said, "Oh thank you for warming up the seat for me!" Everyone laughed, and the student did not feel so awkward afterwards. Conclusion Don't overly focus on people's actions. Instead, see the intention behind their actions. Even better, always assume positive intentions; it can only make the situation better. Weekly Wisdom #238

Recently I attended a teaching workshop, and we were discussing the importance of teachers cultivating their own character and virtues so that they can be a good role model for students. More specifically, we cultivate our character through our daily interactions with the people closest to us. For most people, that would be our parents or spouse. One person shared her experience cultivating patience and tolerance towards her mother-in-law. I thought her story was quite admirable, but even more enlightening was my teacher’s commentary afterwards. Coincidentally, today is also Mother's Day, so it's quite fitting to share this story today. The Story Basically, she has been married for over 20 years, and her mother-in-law lives in the house. She's always tried to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law, but her mother-in-law is very prejudiced towards her and treats her unjustly sometimes. For example, when her father-in-law passed away, they invited over a monk to help with some Buddhist rituals. Her mother-in-law told her to give a monetary gift to the monk, but since the monk has been a family friend for a long time, he refused the gift. Her mother-in-law kept insisting on giving the gift, and she felt very awkward because the monk already said no. Eventually, she told her mother-in-law, "Since the monk said no a couple times now, how about we wait until later to find another way to give a gift to him?" Immediately, her mother-in-law gave her a look of contempt and annoyance. She felt really wronged, and she thought to herself, "We can't force people to accept a gift, especially a monk whom we are supposed to respect. Why is she upset at me? That's so unreasonable. Never mind, she's just unreasonable, but I need to cultivate my own patience and tolerance. After all, there are lots of family members here. If I make an angry outburst, they will think I am a hypocrite who teaches about virtues but cannot walk my talk." Then she continued on with the day as if nothing had happened. Later, her family members told her, "You know, we were all watching you the whole time. Wow you have really good patience. If my mother-in-law did that, I'd definitely get angry." Another incident happened when she hired a new cleaning lady. This cleaning lady told her, "Do you know that your mother-in-law often gossips about your problems behind your back?" She was shocked, and she asked her old cleaning lady about this. That person said, "Oh yeah, your mother-in-law has been gossiping about your faults to me for a long time." Later, she ran into a friend at the supermarket, and her friend also told her, "I ran into your mother-in-law at the supermarket before, and she also talked about your problems to me behind your back." She was very upset at her mother-in-law for being so rude, but she first calmed herself down, then she went to her mother-in-law and calmly said, "I found out that you talked about my problems to my friends at the supermarket. If you ever have any problems with me, please let me know directly so that I can correct them and be a better daughter-in-law. You don't need to involve other people." Her mother-in-law immediately responded, "What are you talking about? I never talked about your problems to anyone. Your friends are making stuff up." She could feel her anger rising, but she stopped herself from arguing. She told herself, "Calm down. My mother-in-law is testing my patience and tolerance. I won't get angry." Later, her mother-in-law became partially paralyzed and could only lie in bed. The daughter-in-law did her best to serve her, but she was still prejudiced towards her and unwilling to relax around her. Despite this, the daughter-in-law persisted in being a good attendant. One time, the mother-in-law pooped on the bed and felt very embarrassed. The daughter-in-law said, "It's okay, no matter how many times you poop on the bed, I'll come clean it every time." Then, her mother-in-law said, "You have really good patience and tolerance." From that moment on, she felt that her mother-in-law had finally started to trust her. Soon after, her mother-in-law passed away, and she felt at ease that they managed to sort out their relationship before the end. She told us this story to encourage us that we cannot just talk about virtues, we need to actually practice them in our daily lives with the people beside us. She has absolutely no resentment towards her mother-in-law; in fact, she is extremely grateful to her. After she finished telling her story, everyone gave her a big round of applause. My Teacher's Commentary My teacher is the workshop coach, and afterwards, my teacher went to talk to this person. He explained to her his view on why what she did was wrong, and she humbly accepted his advice. During the next class, he gave his analysis on the story: This person is very admirable for cultivating patience and tolerance. In order to improve our moral cultivation, it is very important that we learn from every experience. To learn from every experience is not easy. Think about it, how many things happen every day? If you learn and improve from each thing, how much could we improve in just one day or one week? If we truly learned from a past problem, then that problem should not occur again. Yes, she is admirable in cultivating patience and tolerance, but we can go deeper here. Why was her mother-in-law upset at her? Is her mother-in-law truly unreasonable or truly trying to make her life difficult on purpose? First, let's talk about the incident with the monk. Old people are kind of like children. If you don't give them what they want, they get upset very quickly. In this case, the mother-in-law really wanted to make an offering to the monk. That's her respect towards the monk. Can you feel her deep desire? Did you let her feel that you understood her wish? No, so of course she got upset at you. It's much harder for old people to be flexible in their thinking, so we should not demand our elders to listen to us; rather, we should listen to our elders. Moreover, you owe more gratitude to your mother-in-law than the monk, so you should respect your Mother-in-Law's wishes first. Furthermore, the monk should know about how children need to respect elders, so if you simply explained to him that your mother-in-law is old and really really wants to make this offering, he would probably understand. You should be trying to persuade the monk, not your mother-in-law. Next, let's talk about the gossiping incident. This teacher said, "I found out that you talked about my problems to my friends at the supermarket. If you ever have any problems with me, please let me know directly…You don't need to involve other people." On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with what she said. But can you feel why your mother-in-law got angry? If you cannot find the reason, how can you prevent the same problem from occurring in the future? You think she just has problems, but you didn't consider the possibility that perhaps the problem is yourself. You directly accused your mother-in-law of gossiping behind your back, and then you ordered her to just talk to you directly in the future. You are basically attacking her ego and making her feel disrespected, so of course she will get upset and deny it. We need to be more soft, caring, and tactful with our speech. For example, I might say, "Dear mother, I am trying to improve myself, but I know I still have lots of problems. If you ever see problems with me, I would really appreciate it if you can tell me." Moreover, I would ask multiple times, each time with a real smile. Eventually, the mother-in-law would know that I am sincere about wanting her advice, and that I am not opposing her in any way. Those are my thoughts for everyone to consider. In summary, we shouldn't put the blame on others and think, "They are just unreasonable like that. They are testing my patience." We need to find the real reason for their anger, and that usually is the way we treated them. We should try to learn from every experience, and that means we need to reflect on the reason for the problem AND how we can prevent the same problem from occurring again. My Reflection I'm a pretty straightforward person as well, so this story definitely resonated with me. Like that person, I need to learn to be more polite and soft in my speech sometimes. Confucius said, "If one does not learn etiquette, they cannot establish themselves in the world." (Original Text: 不學禮，無以立) Indeed, no matter how talented someone is, if that person is impolite, then he would make many enemies without even realizing it. I have had this experience, and both sides feel wronged. In a previous blog post, I shared an experience where I felt like I was helping them but they were not appreciating it; meanwhile, they felt like I was being arrogant. Etiquette is all about respect. When we treat others politely, we raise their status and lower our own. If that person really respected her mother-in-law and viewed her as above herself, she wouldn't say things like "Just tell me directly," especially not with an annoyed tone of voice. Towards elders of higher status, we naturally ask for advice in a polite and respectful manner. I also learned the importance of learning from a wise teacher. When I listened to that person share her story, I thought what she did was right. But when the teacher analyzed her story and explained her faults, I realized that I didn't think critically enough. I think this quote by Mencius is a great summary： "If you treat others lovingly but others do not return your love, reflect on your love. If you manage others but others don't listen, reflect on your wisdom. If you treat others politely but others do not return your respect, reflect on your respect. When your actions do not achieve your intended results, reflect on yourself." (Original Text: 愛人不親反其仁，治人不治反其智，禮人不答反其敬。行有不得者，皆反求諸己。) Image Source Weekly Wisdom #237

Recently in a Chinese history class that I attend, I learned about Yi Yin (伊尹), who was a Minister and chef to King Tang of ancient China. One time, Yi Yin asked the king, "Do you know how cooking relates to leading a country?" I thought this was a very thought-provoking question. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3 Before the teacher told us what Yi Yin said, he said that there is no one correct answer, so he had all of us share our thoughts first. Below are some great insights that the class came up with. The Middle Way Diversity Individualized Guidance Endurance Love 1: The Middle Way Confucius said, "Superior people follow the Middle Way, so they always do things to just the right degree. Common people violate the Middle Way, so they act without restraint." (Original Text: 君子之中庸也，君子而時中；小人之中庸也，小人而無忌憚也。) In other words, someone with superior cultivation will make sure to do things to the right degree. When we flavor food, too much flavoring is just as bad as too little. We have to find the sweet spot (no pun intended). Similarly, a leader cannot be too strict nor too lenient, too big-pictured nor too detail-oriented, too plan-focused nor too action-focused. Everything needs to be done to the appropriate degree. 2: Diversity If you have just one really amazing food, that alone is not a meal. A good meal has a wide variety of foods, nutrients, colors, and flavors. The chef should not be prejudiced, only cooking some foods and never cooking others. Likewise, a good leader should have a diverse team. There's a Chinese idiom that roughly translates to, "Three average joes are better than one genius." (Original Text: 三個臭皮匠，勝過一個諸葛亮) The idea is that a team with multiple people has multiple strengths, and they can work together to accomplish much more than a solo genius can. Moreover, a diverse team of advisors can help the leader to avoid blind spots in the team’s thinking, to balance out the weaknesses of each individual, and to complement each person’s strengths. The leader also should not be prejudiced towards a particular team member, as that would lead to conflict and resentment in the team. 3: Individualized Guidance There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Different foods require different cooking methods. Some recipes require baking, others steaming, others blending, others grilling. Even if you use the same method for two foods, you might need to cook them differently. For example, we need to boil carrots for a long time, but spinach will be cooked almost instantly. Similarly, a leader needs to lead different people differently according to that person’s personality and needs. The Chinese Record of Education said, "Only when we know the persons' mind can we then help them correct their problems. A teacher should grow people's good points and reduce people's faults." (Original Text: 知其心然後能救其失。教也者，長善而救其失者也。) Just like teachers, leaders needs to teach and guide their followers. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and leaders should try to match each person with a role that can leverage their strengths while also guiding them to reduce their weaknesses. 4: Endurance The Buddha said, “The success of everything depends on endurance.” A chef has to endure many things, such as high heat, long standing time, long waiting time, and lifting heavy pots and pans. Sometimes, a chef has to work with less-than-ideal ingredients or tools. Other times a chef might accidentally make a mistake. These are all things that need to be endured with a calm mind. Similarly, a leader needs to endure the heat of criticism, the cold of prejudice, the heavy burden of responsibility, the pain of mistakes, the difficulty of non-ideal circumstances, the challenge of people problems. All of these require calm and patience to endure. 5: Love Mencius said, "The difference between a Superior person and a common person lies in their intentions. A Superior person always holds the intentions of love." (Original Text: 君子所以異於人者，以其存心也。君子以仁存心。) Great chefs put a lot of love into their food. They talk to the ingredients, praise them, and help them achieve their full potential. They aren’t just cooking food for a pay cheque, they truly love their craft and love to give others an amazing meal. Similarly, great leaders aren't just trying to earn a pay cheque. They truly believe in their mission, and they really love their people. They will talk to their people, encourage them, and help them achieve their full potential. What Yi Yin said Yi Yin mentioned many things. First, he said we need to make the most out of each ingredient, let each ingredient achieve its full potential. This one was mentioned above by a classmate. Second, when we cook, the fire needs to be adjusted to just the right level of heat. Sometimes you need high heat, sometimes you need low heat. This was also mentioned above. Third, we need to pay attention to proper sequence. Some ingredients need to be cooked before others. Similarly, somethings need to be done as a prerequisite to others when it comes to leading a country. For example, he asked the king: Who do you think you should be governing? If you think you need to go govern the people, then you will fail. You need to first govern yourself. Cultivate your own virtues and fix your own faults, then people will naturally respect you and follow you. Fourth, we need to be extremely careful. He said that governing a big country is like cooking a small fish. It is very difficult to cook a small fish well, so we need to always be very cautious with every thought, speech, and action. My Reflection Since I work as a teacher, I reflected that cooking is indeed related to teaching. Just as in cooking, I need to follow the Middle path when teaching. I shouldn't speak too much, or else students will get bored and sleepy. The difficulty of my content needs to be challenging but not too difficult. I need to get students' feedback, but their ideas need to be balanced with my own professional judgment. For diversity, teachers can also work in teams to plan lessons. Indeed, when I lesson plan with other teachers, the creativity and quality of the lessons is better than I could have come up with alone. I also ask other teachers to observe my class and give me feedback so that they can find my blind spots. For individualized guidance, obviously teachers need to understand each student's individual situation and needs to help them succeed in the course. That's why we interview students at the beginning of the course and then check in with them later throughout the course. For endurance, a teacher needs maintain a calm mind when students behave disrespectfully or make the same mistakes over and over again. Other times, a teacher needs to endure unfair criticisms and misunderstandings from students. If the teacher gets angry, then the relationship with the student will be damaged. For love, great teachers are those that really love their students and the subject they teach, as opposed to just trying to get a pay cheque. As per Yi Yin's points, teachers should not always focus on what students need to do better but rather on how we as the teacher can do a better job teaching the students that we have. Teachers have the power to really influence young people's future, so we need to handle our power with great caution. Concluding Thoughts Cooking and leadership might sound like two completely different things, but they have a lot of similarities. If we extend this further, cooking is also related to parenting, teaching, writing, painting, playing sports, and more. Why? Because everything should be done to cultivate the mind and to improve our virtues. How does cooking relate to your job or craft? Weekly Wisdom #235

Image Source: Unsplash Many years ago, there was a scholar who spoke in front of a large audience, "There's no way the Buddha is real! All this stuff about karma and reincarnation is ridiculous." He gave a lot of reasons for his arguments, and he ended by looking at the sky and saying, "Buddha, if you are indeed real, then please come here and kill me now, only then will I believe you are real!" He then waited quietly for a few minutes. Nothing happened. He looked around the audience and declared, "As you've all seen, the Buddha obviously isn't real!" In the audience was an old lady who stood up and said, "Dear sir, your logic is quite brilliant, and you are a well-educated man. I am merely an uneducated old lady from a small village. I have no way to refute your argument. But I have a question that's been on my mind for a long time, and I wonder if you could help me?" The man said, "Of course." The old lady asked, "For many decades, I have believed in the Buddha and his teachings. The Buddha has taught me to be a good person and to do good deeds. I've learned about compassion, wisdom, generosity, and gratitude, and my life has been very joyous. If at the end of my life, I find out that the Buddha does not exist, and his teachings about karma and reincarnation are fake, then what have I lost?" The man was silent for a while, and many audience members nodded in agreement with this lady. Finally, the man said, "Dear miss, I suppose you wouldn't have lost anything." The old lady replied, "Thank you for answering my question. Based on your response, I have one more question if I may?" The man said, "Sure." The old lady asked, "What if at the end of your life, you found out that the Buddha is real, that karma and reincarnation are real, that Heaven and Hell are real? What would you have lost?" My Experience I grew up in North America, and I was taught that religion is superstitious and illogical. Sometimes I walk along the street and see people with signs that say something like, "You need to believe in God or else you will go to Hell." These are quite threatening and gave me a pretty bad impression. I also remember seeing in the news that people fight wars and kill each other because of religious beliefs, which made me think that religions are harmful and should be avoided. When I left home to go to university, my mother started learning Buddhism. Soon, she wanted me to learn it too. I was resistant at first, but I decided to keep an open mind and give it a chance. I started listening to Buddhism lectures from Venerable Master Jing Kong (Chin Kung), who is a world-renowned monk and has spoken at UNESCO Peace Conferences. Image Source He explained that Buddhism is not superstitious; it is an education. For example, when we see the Buddha image, the purpose is to remind ourselves to be compassionate and serene like the Buddha, not to blindly worship. People can make offerings out of respect and gratitude towards the Buddha, but we should not make offers to ask for good fortune; that would be superstition. It is also disrespectful to the Buddha because we are implying that we can bribe the Buddha. Buddhism teaches us to cultivate virtues such as loving kindness, wisdom, gratitude, and respect, and to let go of vices such as greed, anger, ignorance, arrogance, and doubt. By doing this, we will have a good and happy life. I didn't see anything bad about that. Proper versus Improper Religions I also learned that there are proper religions and improper religions. At the beginning, religions were all proper, and they taught people to cultivate virtues and eliminate vices. But over time, some followers misinterpret or bend religious teachings, making them selfish, discriminatory, and superstitious. In other words, the problem is not the original religion, but rather the people who distorted the religion. There are four easy ways to distinguish improper religions: Arrogance Worship over understanding Showing off superpowers Lack of legacy 1: Arrogance Usually, improper religions are arrogant and discriminatory. They emphasize that only they have the correct ideology, and that other views are wrong. They make threats like "If you do not believe in our religion, you will go to Hell." Proper religions are kind and respectful towards all people regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof. Venerable Jing Kong said all religions are one family, and the teachings of all religions are mostly similar, which is teaching people to be good. The Buddha never forced anyone to study with him; all his students came by their own choice. 2: Worship over understanding Improper religious leaders often emphasize listening to them rather than understanding the ancient texts. Proper religions emphasize deep study and correct understanding of ancient texts rather than listening to any particular person. For example, nowhere in Buddhist texts does it say that if you make offerings to a Buddha image, you can get good fortune. The texts clearly say that if you want to get good fortune, you need to cultivate virtues and do good deeds. 3: Showing off superpowers The Buddha and his students had superpowers. For example, they could foretell the future, read your mind, teleport, and more. However, the Buddha forbade his students from using superpowers. He only used education to help living beings, and he taught class every single day for 49 years. Why did the Buddha forbid showing off superpowers? Firstly, people tend to illogically worship someone with superpowers. They will believe anything and everything the person says. Proper religion is an education that you should scrutinize and test, not illogical and blind worship. Secondly, demons and evil spirits also have superpowers. If the Buddha used superpowers to help living beings, then in the future, no one would be able to distinguish the Buddha from demons and evil spirits. Even now, there are cases where a spirit can talk to a human and tell him things that will happen in the future, and then that human might use that knowledge to try to get people to worship him. That would clearly be improper religion. 4: Lack of legacy One more major difference between a proper religious leader and an improper religious leader is legacy. A proper religious leader learned from a teacher who is widely recognized to be proper and successful in their cultivation. They highly respect their teacher and simply pass on what their teacher taught, but adapt it to modern day circumstances. In other words, proper religious teachers come from a long line of recognized teachers over thousands of years. Improper religious leaders will say something like, "One day I became enlightened by myself." They don't come from a long line of teachers. Reincarnation All religions talk about having a better next life, such as seeking birth in Heaven or in the Western Pure Land. At first, I was resistant to this kind of idea. Growing up, I was taught that there is only one life. Once we're dead, we're dead. But many things slowly changed my opinion. First, Venerable Jing Kong said that the Buddha's teachings have been passed down for over 2500 years. Over all these years, countless smart people have scrutinized its teachings. If there was such a big mistake in its teachings, then people wouldn't bother passing on those teachings. Do you really think that all those intellectuals made a fatal error, and that you are smarter than all of them? Secondly, people usually lie to gain something. But the Buddha was enlightened. His mind is completely compassionate and wise. He has no self-interest. As mentioned earlier, he never forced anyone to learn from him. All his students came to him out of their own will. In other words, why would he lie? He taught about karma and reincarnation to benefit people so that people can cultivate good karma and transcend reincarnation. It's not like you lose anything from that. Thirdly, the teachings of karma are quite reasonable. It teaches us that doing good deeds will reap fortune, and doing bad deeds will reap suffering. If we want to have a better future, then we should cultivate virtues and eliminate vices. Simply praying without any action is just superstition. All the fortune (good karma) and suffering (bad karma) we have in this life are due to the merits and sins we accumulated in our past lives. In other words, only we are responsible for our life, and only we have the power to change our future. This kind of education is quite empowering and uplifting. Lastly, I came across the book, The Scientific Proof of Causal Reincarnation, which gave many scientific case studies about reincarnation. Growing up, I was a science geek, so this book resonated a lot with me. For example, why do people have different natural inborn talents, interests, and fears? Because of their past lives! Why do some people get along at first sight while others have conflict at first sight? Also because of past lives! The book is a fairly short read, and I also summarized it here. Conclusion I'm not an expert on religion, and I am only a beginner when it comes to Buddhism, but in my own experience, Buddhism (at least proper Buddhism) is a good thing. It teaches us to be good people and to do good deeds so that we can have a better future. No one forced me to learn Buddhism, and I won't give pressure to anyone to learn it either. But if you are interested, I could recommend some resources: The Enlightened Mind Buddhism as an Education Liao Fan's Four Lessons Heart of a Buddha The Scientific Proof of Causal Reincarnation Weekly Wisdom #234

A recently graduated PhD just got hired to be the lab manager of a prestigious research lab. What's more, he is the only PhD on his team; the other two team members only hold a Master's degree. Since he wanted to get to know his team members better, he asked them if they would like to do something over the weekend. The two team members said they usually go to a nearby pond to fish and relax and invited him to join this Saturday. He happily agreed. On Saturday, they met at the pond, fished, and chatted over some drinks. Suddenly, the first team member said he needs to use the washroom. The PhD thought the team member would walk around the pond to reach the washroom across the pond. To his surprise, the person hopped across the pond as if he could walk on water! After the person came back, they started chatting again. Soon, the second team member said he needs to use the washroom too. Amazingly, this person also hopped across the water to reach the washroom! The PhD was baffled, but he was too embarrassed to ask these Master's students how they did it. Not long after, the PhD also needed to use the washroom. He looked at the water, then he looked at his team members and thought to himself, "I'm a PhD. If they can do it, I can do it too!" Image Source He hopped onto the water. SPLASH. The two team members pulled him out and asked, "Why did you jump into the water?! You should walk around the pond!" The PhD said, "But I saw you guess hop across the water, so I thought I could too!" The team members said, "Oh that's because we are very familiar with this pond. There are stones across the pond that lead to the other side. Since there was heavy rain the past few days, the water covered the stones. But we know where the stones are, so we can hop across." Commentary There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." This story is a light-hearted example. If we think about it, people can become arrogant from so many things, such as fame, wealth, position, appearances, and even educational background. Perhaps some might argue, "What's wrong with being proud of these things? I worked hard for them!" Firstly, when we think we are great, we become less careful, and that’s when it’s easy to make mistakes. The PhD in the story was so arrogant about his PhD status that he thought he could hop on water! Secondly, when we think we are great, it becomes hard to improve. If we are not improving, then we will fall behind. If that PhD is very complacent with his PhD status, then he might not spend enough effort keeping up with the changes in his field, which would result in him falling behind. Thirdly, when we think we are great, we give off an air of arrogance, and other people will dislike us. I can imagine that PhD giving orders to his team members without considering their feelings, or pointing out every little mistake that others make. Indeed, when there's an arrogant person in the group, all the other people know it, and we all try to avoid that person. Once we see the harm of arrogance, we are much more willing to practice humility. A humble person is someone who is always seeking to learn from others, no matter if they are an expert or a child. If you are trying to learn from them, you would naturally be respectful and polite towards them, and that leaves a good impression on others. Since a humble person is always learning and improving, they wouldn't fall behind in their field. Finally, a humble person is very careful in all matters because they are always trying to improve themselves through even the small things. My Experience I usually teach high school students in Canada, but recently, I had the opportunity to teach some elementary school students in Malaysia. Initially, I never thought that I could learn from such young kids. One day, two brothers had a fight in my class, and I couldn't make them happy. Later that day, they got happy on their own. I was baffled at how they went from angry to happy so fast. I asked one of them, "How did you become happy?" He said, "I don't know. I went to do other things." Another teacher told me, "They are kids. They don't make a big fuss about things after the fact like us adults do." I realized in some ways, little kids are better than me, and I should learn from them. Indeed, anyone can be our teacher if we are humble. Another time, a colleague told me, "Don't give suggestions in front of that person. She is very arrogant and always asserts her own opinions over others." It's a shame that people are not willing to give her suggestions and point out her problems. What's worse, her arrogance makes others feel uncomfortable around her, which means people are less willing to help her. She is a very enthusiastic and well-intentioned person with great ability, but without humility, it will be hard for her to improve and get better opportunities in the future. These past couple of months, I've been tutoring someone English. Since I have experience in this field, I used my usual method. Later, I found out from a friend of the student that my method was not as effective as I thought. Although my method worked well for previous students, every student is different, and I realized I needed to make some adjustments. If I had been more humble from the beginning, I wouldn't have assumed that this job is easy and that I can just do what I've always done. Moreover, I shouldn't just teach English for the sake of teaching, but rather try to improve my teaching abilities with each class. Conclusion Arrogance is a very subtle but harmful trait that we all have. The minor consequences might be thinking we can hop on water…The major consequences might be offending the people around us and continuously making the same mistakes because no one is willing to advise us. As D.L. Moody said, "Be humble, or you'll stumble." Weekly Wisdom #233

Have you ever harmed a relationship or spoiled an opportunity because you couldn't endure or control negative emotions? I certainly have. It's no wonder that the Buddha said, "The success of everything depends on endurance." I heard a great story on the topic of endurance. In the Tang Dynasty of ancient China, there lived a famous person named Gong Yi Zhang (張公藝). He was famous because his household had nine generations* living harmoniously together. (*Note: Nine generations is a LOT of people! We're talking several hundreds of people in one big house. But their houses back then were different, kind of like a small school. It is analogous to a big company office building with hundreds of workers. Nine generations means if I am a 45 year-old in this family, I have my parents (~55), grandparents (~70), and great grandparents (~95) above me, as well as my children (~30), grandchildren (~15), and great grandchildren (~1 year old) below me.) Image Source One day, Emperor Tang Gaozong visited his house to personally see this rare family of nine generations. The Emperor was very impressed, and he asked Zhang, who was the elder of the house, how he maintained harmony in the household. Zhang then requested a pen and paper, and on it, he wrote the word "endure" over a hundred times. He then gave this paper to the Emperor. His meaning was that families might have conflict due to unfair distribution of food and clothes among the elders, or imperfect etiquette from the youth. When people criticize and blame each other, conflict arises. But if everyone can mutually endure, tolerate, and yield, then how could the family not be harmonious? (Source) Commentary In English, "to endure" means to take on hardship without complaint. But in Chinese, the word "endure" (忍) has a much broader range of meanings. It can mean To take on hardship without complaint, such as enduring pain and discomfort To be tolerant to others, as in enduring people's rude behavior To yield to others, as in letting others have what they want To be patient, as in not getting angry or annoyed with others How can we interpret Zhang's action of writing "endure" over 100 times? One interpretation is that there are hundreds of things we have to endure to have harmony. After all, in a household with hundreds of people, everyone has different weaknesses, faults, and bad habits. To remain harmonious, they have to tolerate all of them. A second interpretation is that Zhang uses the process of writing "endure" 100 times to calm himself down whenever he feels any urge to get angry and argue with someone. We can imagine that by the time he's written "endure" a hundred times, his anger would have subsided. This process takes a great level of self-cultivation. After all, most people cannot control their anger. It rises fast like a burning fire, and before we know it, everyone is hurt. If we can cultivate our self-awareness to recognize when the flames of anger are starting to rise, then have the discipline to douse those flames right away, then we can avoid many conflicts. Zhang writes "endure" 100 times, but there are other ways too, such as deep breathing, going for a run until exhausted, or taking a hot shower. Whatever helps your mind calm down is good. When we consider the wide range of meanings for "endurance", we can see the logic behind the Buddha's statement. Indeed, the road to success in any endeavor will have hardship, and we always need the help of others. The hardship might be related to the task itself, or related to people we have to work with to accomplish the goal. If we cannot endure hardship or be patient and tolerant towards others, how can we possibly succeed in anything? To succeed in school, we need to endure difficult classes and stressful exam periods. To succeed in getting a job, we need to endure the long process of job searching, interviewing, and rejections, until we finally land a good job. To succeed in any relationship, we need to endure impoliteness and conflicts by being patient, tolerant, and yielding towards others. How to Endure A great Buddhist practitioner named Huang Nianzu explained six ways of enduring. Endure through force Endure through forgetting Endure through reflection Endure through observation Endure through joy Endure through compassion Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 These six methods are mainly related to enduring anger and conflict in relationships. After all, the longevity of a relationship is less dependent on how much you appreciate each other's strengths and more dependent on how much you can tolerate each other's weaknesses. 1. Enduring through force Enduring through force means when you feel anger arising, you force yourself to not get angry. You shut your mouth or leave the situation. However, anger still exists in your mind, and if it accumulates, it might explode in the future. We probably all have had this experience. If you can be aware of your anger rising, that is already better than most people. Next is to proactively prevent that anger from exploding. For example, we could say, "I need to go use the bathroom. Let's take a short break." Enduring through force is the easiest to use, but the effect is also the smallest. Usually, we start with enduring through force, then we go calm ourselves down. After we calm down, we can use any combination of the remaining five methods to truly let go from the mind. 2. Endure through forgetting Endure through forgetting means being tolerant. We tell ourselves, "I can accept their behavior; it's not a big deal. I'm going to argue about these little matters." Hence, you let go of it and forget it. I practiced this before when someone said something and I wanted to argue. But instead of arguing, I first wrote down what I wanted to say on my phone. Then I told myself to wait 24 hours. If I still want to argue, then I should explain myself in a calm manner, not in an argumentative manner. But after 24 hours, I realized it is a small thing that does not need to be argued, so I let it go. Another example is enduring mosquito bites. I'm in Malaysia currently, and I get bitten by mosquitoes quite frequently. I could get angry every time a mosquito bites me, but that just ruins my mood and makes me an unpleasant person to be around. Instead, I could think, "It's not a big deal. It will be gone within a few days. I can simply put on some herbal cream to alleviate the itchiness. Why keep being annoyed by it afterwards?" 3. Endure through reflection Endure through reflection means reflecting on our faults and our contribution to the problem. Be strict with ourselves and lenient towards others. No conflict is ever 100% one person's fault. As soon as we realize our faults, our anger will calm down. After all, what right do we have to be angry when we are at fault? For example, if someone criticizes me, why do I have to defend myself and argue back? Why can't I express myself in a calm way? It takes two angry people to start a fight, so it is my fault for being that second angry person. To give another example, if I go to a restaurant with some friends to find out the restaurant is closed, I shouldn't get angry and blame the restaurant or my friends. I should blame myself for not calling the restaurant ahead of time to book a reservation. 4. Endure through observation Endure through observation means observing the impermanence of everything. Just think about something that you got really upset about in the past. After a while, is it still a big deal? We forget about many of these things with the passing of time. They become unimportant. We can choose to have that feeling right now. Besides, life is short, why waste it being angry? As the Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Life is short--the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." For example, when my boss did not keep his word and acted rather hypocritically, I reflected that life is short, and this job is only temporary. In fact, all my emotions are temporary. I probably won't be thinking much about this incident after a month, so there's no need to get too worked up about it right now. Instead, just focus on being a good person myself regardless of how others behave. 5. Endure through joy Endure through joy means being joyful and grateful towards everything that happens in life. Why? Because everything has the potential to help us improve and succeed as long as we believe it so. For example, if I just missed the bus, rather than getting angry and frustrated, I can instead choose to believe that this will help me. How? Well, it taught me to arrive earlier and to do everything with buffer time. I can be thankful that there won't be a big consequence if I am late this time, and I will prevent myself from being late for bigger events in the future. Another example: if I did not get the job offer I wanted, I can choose to believe that this is life telling me I have something else more suitable coming up in the future as long as I persist and endure. By choosing to believe this, I will be much more productive than grumbling and feeling sorry for myself. 6. Endure through compassion Endure through compassion means having empathy and viewing their suffering as our suffering. Empathy is a natural human trait. For example, when children see another person crying, they will feel sad and cry too. As we've gotten older, we were taught to focus more and more on ourselves, on our selfish desires. We then become de-sensitized to other people's feelings. But if we simply try to feel other people's feelings more, to try to understand other people's feelings more, we can naturally feel compassion for them, which then douses the flames of anger. For example, when someone is arguing with us, rather than focusing solely on our feelings, we can pay notice that they are hurting too. Just like we wish they would understand us first, they also wish we would understand them first. Just like we think we are right, they also think they are right. No one is purposely trying to be wrong or to be angry. When we understand this, we can feel more compassion for them, and our anger will decrease. Then we can give kindness first, understand them first, and apologize first. When they receive our kindness, they will also want to reciprocate. Conclusion If we want a happy and successful life, then we must learn to endure. Towards matters, we need to have patience and be able to endure hardship. Towards people, we need to endure anger, annoyance, and conflict. Usually, we start by enduring via force, but to prevent resentment from accumulating, we need to also endure via forgetting, reflection, observation, gratitude, and/or compassion. Weekly Wisdom #232

Image Sources: 1, 2 It was a quiet afternoon in a small American town in 1848. Everything was peaceful, when suddenly, there was the piercing sound of a gunshot. The chief of police immediately rushed to the scene with his new, young police assistant. When they arrived, they found a teenager lying in a pool of blood on the ground of his bedroom, his right hand loose with a gun next to it. Beside him was a messily written suicide note, which explained that the girl he was deeply in love with went to church with another boy the other day. Outside the room, a big crowd was forming, all eager to see what had happened. The dead boy's relatives stood silently in the room, staring blankly at each other. The young police assistant couldn't help but give them a sympathetic glance. He could feel their hurt and hopelessness, not only because of this boy's death, but also because they are all Christians. In Christianity, committing suicide is a big sin, and the deceased person's soul will suffer severe punishment in Hell. Moreover, all the people in this conservative Christian town will view this family as heretics. From that day on, no decent young man would invite a girl of that family out, and no decent young girl would be willing to marry a boy from that family. This whole time, the policy chief remained silent, frowning in observation of the whole scene. Finally, he said, "This is a murder." He squatted down and carefully touched around the dead boy's body and arms. Suddenly, he turned around and said in a serious tone of voice, "Has anyone here seen his silver watch?" Everyone knew that this boy always carried around a silver watch. It was the only gift that the girl had ever given him. He would often look at that watch, and his heart would be filled with warmth as the sunlight reflected off it. All the people in the crowd talked among themselves, but no one had seen the watch recently. The police chief then stood up and said, "If none of you have seen the watch recently, then that means the murderer must have taken it. This is a classic case of murder to steal valuable possessions." The boy's family members immediately started crying as their feelings of shame quickly turned into sorrow. The neighbors and onlookers who were originally judgmental towards the family also came forward and expressed their condolences. The police chief confidently said, "As soon as we find this watch, we know who the murderer is!" The sun outside was still bright on this clear afternoon, and the villagers all left the scene to search. The young police assistant was utterly amazed at the police chief's detective abilities, and he asked, "Where should we start searching for this watch?" The police chief let out a slight, almost undetectable smile as he slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver watch. In shock, the young assistant said, "Could it be…?" The police chief looked around and remained silent. The young assistant said, "Then, he must have committed suicide. Why did you convince everyone that it was a murder?" The police chief replied, "This way, his family doesn't need to worry about where his soul went. Also, after their period of sorrow is over, they can continue living a normal life with all the other Christians in town." The young assistant said, "But you told a lie. Lying is against the Ten Commandments." The police chief stared sharply at the young assistant and said, "Young man, believe me: The lives of six people are much more important. Besides, I trust that even God would turn a deaf ear to a lie told from a compassionate heart." This was the young police assistant's first case, and it was also the most meaningful one in the course of his career. Commentary Rules are important, but we must not blindly follow rules without understanding the reasoning behind them. If we blindly follow rules, we might end up using them inappropriately. Trustworthiness is extremely important for our relationships and success. Naturally, not lying is an important commandment in many religions, not just Christianity, but we have to understand the reasoning behind it. If your friend asks you if she looks nice in that dress, and you think she looks absolutely horrible, would you say, "To be honest, you look absolutely hideous in that dress"? Of course not! The principle behind not lying is to not hurt others. Usually, people lie to hurt or cheat others, to protect their own reputation, or to gain something for themselves at the expense of the other person. If you are telling a lie to protect them, as was the case in the story, then that is not considered breaking the rules. For example, I am working abroad, and sometimes my parents will tell me to sleep early. I assure them that I will, but realistically, I occasionally have to sleep late due to work. If I blindly insist on telling the truth and say, "Sorry I cannot sleep before 11 because I have too much to do," then that will only cause them to worry. The whole point of telling the truth is to ease their worries. The Buddha also gave an example: Imagine you arrived at a fork-road, and you see a rabbit pass by. Soon after, a hunter comes and asks if you saw a rabbit pass by. What should you do? According to the Buddha, you should lie and tell the hunter to go down a road that the rabbit did not go down. Why? Because this way, you save the rabbit's life, and you also save the hunter from committing the sin of killing. Therefore, we must understand rules to avoid using them ignorantly and inappropriately. Weekly Wisdom #231

Image Source After the great fire of 1666 in London St. Paul's Cathedral was burnt down and needed to be rebuilt. An architect named Christopher Wren was commissioned for this project. One day, he went to the construction site to observe the progress. He saw a man who looked rather unhappy, and he asked him, "How do you feel about your work?" The man said, "I'm just a stonecutter. I've been building this wall for ages. The work is monotonous. I work in the scorching sun all day. The stones are heavy and lifting them day after day can be backbreaking. I'm not even sure if this project will be completed in my lifetime. But it's a job. It pays the bills." Wren thanked him for his time and walked on. Wren then saw a second man who was diligently working and looked quite happy. He asked him the same question, "How do you feel about your work?" This man replied, "I love my work. I'm building a cathedral. Sure, I've been working on this wall for ages, and yes, the work is sometimes monotonous. I work in the scorching sun all day. The stones are heavy and lifting them day after day can be backbreaking. I'm not even sure if this project will be completed in my lifetime. But I'm building a cathedral." Commentary Do you ever feel like your work is monotonous or dull? Or that your life is lacking flavor and meaning? You're not alone. But there is good news. We can bring meaning and purpose to our work and life simply by changing our attitude. It's free and doable by everyone. There is a similar story about a time when American President John F. Kennedy visited NASA. He saw a janitor happily mopping the floor, so he asked him why he was so happy. The janitor said, "I'm helping send a man to the moon!" We probably all have "better" jobs than being a janitor, yet few of us are happier than that janitor. Therefore, it is not the people with the most interesting jobs or most exciting lives that are most happy. Rather, it is the people who are most interested about their work and most excited about their lives that are most happy. Let's not confuse the input with the output. If we can have a good attitude towards our work, then we will naturally do a better job. When we do a better job, our future prospects will naturally become brighter. But if we complain all the time, then people will dislike us, and our future prospects will become bleak. So the big question is…How can we shift our attitude? Two excellent ways are gratitude and service. 1: Gratitude Even if we feel dissatisfied with our work or life, we probably have way more things to be grateful for. Consider these examples: Our parents raised us, fed us, changed our diapers, paid for our schooling, took care of us when we were sick, etc. Our teachers taught us the knowledge and skills we have now to be able to earn a living Our ancestors went through countless difficulties for us Our employer for giving us money to support our families Our government provides us with so many essential services and keeps the country safe Countless businesses and workers provide countless products and services that we use every day When we think about gratitude, we need to go one step further and repay gratitude. It's like, if someone gave you a gift, you probably feel the urge to give them a gift in the future, right? Similarly, all these people give so much to us, so we should give something back in return: For our parents, we should help them be happy and reduce their worries For our teachers, we should use the knowledge and skills we learned to help society For our employer, we should work hard for the success of the company For our government, we should be productive members of the country For all those businesses and workers, we should diligently do whatever our job is in society to serve society For example, I used to grumble about doing chores. But after I thought about all that my parents have given me, I started doing chores without them asking me. I can't even begin to return all the gratitude they've given me, how could I complain about doing simple house chores? As a teacher, I used to complain about "bad" students. But later I realized that if you get a group of 30 people together, there's no way all of them will be A+ students. Having some "bad" students is normal, and I am grateful to all my students because I wouldn't have a job without them. Besides, they are "bad" because of unfavorable circumstances. I am lucky I have favorable circumstances, so I should be nicer and more patient towards them. By having an attitude of gratitude, we will naturally be happier and more productive at work and in life. 2: Service We can always connect our work to serving the greater good. That happy stonemason did not view his work as simply cutting stones; he viewed it as building a cathedral, a glorious building that would benefit future people for hundreds and thousands of years to come. The NASA janitor did not just view his work as mopping the floors; he viewed it as helping to send a man to the moon. How we view our work is our choice. There's a saying that goes, "Plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit." Image Source In my work, I know that some teachers view their jobs as simply passing on knowledge or even babysitting. But I view it as a chance to impart important life lessons and values to the future generation; I hope that the future generation will become better and better. I may not see super fast improvement in my students, but I can rest at ease knowing that I do my best to plant positive seeds and give a positive influence. By focusing on service, my joy includes the joy of others. I have more happiness and motivation in my daily work, so I do a better job, and then I gain more career advancement opportunities. It is a positive reinforcement cycle. Conclusion What are you grateful for, and how can you repay that gratitude? What greater purpose do you serve? Weekly Wisdom #230

Image Source In the 1930s, there was a great educator named Xingzhi Tao (陶行知), who was the principal of a middle school. One day, he saw a student about to throw a rock at another student. Mr. Tao immediately told that student to stop. The student was shocked and embarrassed that he was caught by the principal. Mr. Tao told the young boy to see him in the principal's office at 3:00PM. Then he went to investigate the situation to make sure he got the facts right before deciding on a punishment. At 2:50PM, the boy was already waiting outside the principal's office. His mind was full of thoughts about so many things: the rude classmate that he wanted to throw a rock at, the guilt for his wrong behavior, the fear of the principal's punishment, the embarrassment of being laughed at by his classmates, and the worry about his parents finding out. The principal was pleased to see that the boy arrived early and called him in. He then gave him a piece of candy and said, "You are very trustworthy. Not only were you not late, but you are actually a little early! Here's a piece of candy for you." The boy was quite surprised. The principal then said, "When I told you to not throw the rock, you immediately stopped and listened to me. That shows you are very respectful towards elders. Here's another piece of candy for you." The boy thought he was going to get scolded, yet the principal was actually praising him! The principal continued, "I also investigated the situation and found out that you were throwing a rock at a student who was bullying girls. This shows you are a kind person with a sense of justice. Here's another piece of candy for you." By this point, the boy was very moved by the principal's kind encouragement, and he said, "I'm sorry. Even if my classmate was bullying girls, I shouldn't throw a rock at him." The principal was pleased and replied, "It is rare for a person to be able to admit their own mistakes, so I'll have to reward you with one more piece of candy. Alright, that's enough for today's meeting. You can go back." In the future, this boy's behavior improved significantly, and he was inspired to become a middle school teacher thanks to Mr. Tao. Commentary I heard from motivational speaker Dr. Alan Zimmerman that one of the most common complaints in the workplace is, "You can do 100 things right and not hear a single word of praise or appreciation. But you do one thing wrong, and management is all over you." Similarly, I imagine one of the most common complaints in all relationships is, "I do so many things right, but you never notice, praise, or encourage me. I do one thing wrong and you criticize me right away." The Guide to a Happy Life says, "Praising others' goodness is a good act in itself. When others hear this, they will be inspired. Speaking of people's sins is a sin in itself. When resentment accumulates, disaster will eventually come." Indeed, we all like people who say good things about us, and we resent people who speak bad things about us, especially behind our backs. If we want to accumulate good relationships and avoid bad ones, then we ought to look for everyone's good points and praise them, just like how Mr. Tao looked for the good points of that young boy. If Mr. Tao had instead scolded him, the boy's future might be very different. The Gottman Institute found that happy couples have at least a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio. That means for every negative interaction they have, such as criticisms or conflict, they have at least 5 positive interactions, such as praise, encouragement, and acts of kindness. Excellent marriages have a 20:1 ratio. The takeaway? We need to praise people more and not scold them with anger or resentment. But this does not mean we ignore their bad deeds and pretend like we don't see them. Mr. Tao did not ignore the young boy's bad behavior. We still need to communicate with them about their bad behavior, but we do it in a calm and caring way, without anger or blame. For example, if the other person did not wash the dishes well, we should not get angry and say, "What's wrong with you? You can't even wash the dishes properly?" This kind of criticism kills relationships. The other person might think, "I am so tired today, and I still did the dishes, and the first thing you do is criticize me for one dish that was not fully clean? Why do you always look for my mistakes instead of appreciating my efforts?" Instead, we can say, "Thank you for doing the dishes, especially when you look so tired already. Wow this dish is so clean! Oh this one still has a spot on it. Here, you should rest, I'll clean that one." If the person often does not clean the dishes properly, we could say, "Thank you for always doing the dishes. I am lucky to have you. I noticed that some of the dishes are not fully clean, and I am concerned that maybe you are doing things with a very rushed attitude. With dishes, the consequences are small. But with bigger things, the consequences would be big, so I am telling you this to help you avoid mistakes in the future." From that above example, we can see the person is coming from a place of care and respect, not from a place of blame and anger. Naturally, the receiver of the message would be more appreciative and less defensive. Conclusion: Good relationships are key to our happiness and mental health. Relationship conflicts are also a major source of suffering. A simple and free solution is simply to praise the other person more! If they truly made a mistake or had a bad behavior, then we should communicate with them in a calm, caring, and respectful manner, and not scold them with anger or annoyance. Weekly Wisdom #228

Image Sources: 1, 2 Have you ever dealt with really impolite behavior? Recently, I had a student complain to me that his group leader was very irresponsible during their team project. He sent her his work early, but she did not send her work back on time. Later, she submitted the rough draft without even telling him, and she did not share the teacher's feedback with him. He was really angry and told me: "I did everything right. I don't care if you make mistakes in your work, but at least communicate with me! I don't care if you are smart. I'd rather work with a not-so-smart classmate who respects me." He was fuming, and I listened to him vent for quiet a while. Afterward he finished venting, I told him: "I can see you are very upset that she treated you disrespectfully. I know you worked very hard to be a good team member, and I know you always try to be a good person. That is great. You said you did everything right, but let me ask you: If you did everything right, why would you be angry? If you truly did everything right, you should be at peace with yourself." He said, "I am angry because I did everything right and my group leader acted wrongly." I told him, "OK, but are you responsible for your feelings or other people?" He was quite for a few seconds, and then said, "I guess I am." I replied, "Exactly. So there's your first mistake: blaming others for your feelings. Secondly, do you think your group leader is purposely trying to make you angry? She is a good student. You guys were good friends before. Do you really think she is intentionally ignoring you and trying to make you angry? I remember she got sick recently, and we are near the end of the semester, so I imagine she must've been really busy recently. Maybe that's why she didn't reply you." He said, "OK, I guess she is not trying to make me angry." I said, "So there's your second mistake: assuming negative intentions without confirming first. Let's take this a step further. Have YOU ever made someone upset by accident? Maybe you did not mean to upset them, but they interpreted your actions wrong and got angry at you?" He said, "Yes." I said, "So how would you want to be treated in that situation? Don't you wish they would come and ask you your intentions rather than just blaming you and being angry at you without even giving you the chance to explain?" He said, "Yes. But sir, I don't want to create any unhappiness or conflict between us, especially since this is the end of our course." I said, "Well, as long as you forgive her in your mind, then it's fine. It's not like she feels upset towards you. Do you still feel really upset towards her?" He said, "No you're right, my anger is my problem. I want to leave a happy memory in this course, so I will forgive her and improve myself." Commentary Although I was able to help this student resolve his anger, the irony is, I have the same problems as him. I get upset when others behave unreasonably as well, so when I heard him complain, I thought of all the advice I keep repeating to myself whenever I feel upset. For example, when I see rude drivers changing lanes to speed past me and then change back to my lane, I think, "Wow that is so rude. I am driving at the speed limit, and you are speeding shamelessly!" Then I remind myself, "OK, chill out. Instead of assuming they are purposely trying to be rude, why don't you just assume that they are rushing to an emergency? After all, you don't know what they are thinking, so why do you have to automatically assume a negative intention? You always complain that others assume negative intentions of you without checking, and here you are doing the same thing to others! That's pretty hypocritical, no?" Sometimes, I have misunderstandings and even arguments with others. I get upset and think, "Why does this person have to be so illogical and unreasonable?" Then I remind myself, "OK chill out… Even if they are illogical, who is responsible for your feelings? Not them...You are! You don't HAVE to get upset here. If you truly care about them and want to resolve this conflict, then YOU need to calm down and be kind first. Don't make your happiness dependent on other people's behavior. Furthermore, no one tries to be wrong or stupid on purpose! Just like you think you are right, they also think they are right. So instead of thinking they are so illogical, why don't you try to really understand their perspective first?" Other times, I see people not keeping their word, or shamelessly breaking rules, and I think, "Seriously? Don't you have any sense of shame?" Then I remind myself, "Their actions are their actions. Why do you have to keep thinking about them and criticizing them in your head? Why are you putting their garbage in your mind? You could be using your mind for much better things! Besides, they did not learn about the importance of ethics and morality, so you shouldn't blame them. You write about ethics and morality all the time, so obviously you will follow the rules. You are the abnormal one, not them. Blaming them does not help anyone. The best way to help this world is to just keep setting a good example with your own behavior." Conclusion We will all encounter rude and unreasonable behavior from others in life. What matters is how we respond to them. Getting annoyed or angry hurts ourselves the most. Instead, we should Assume positive intentions or ask what their intention was. Remember no one is purposely trying to be stupid or wrong. If I think they are illogical, then I do not understand their perspective yet. Recognize that rude behavior is common now because there is a lack of good role models in society. If I want a better world, then I should set a good example regardless of how others behave. Not only will we be happier this way, but we will also contribute to a better world! Weekly Wisdom #227

Image Source: 1, 2 A young girl recognized her middle school teacher on the street, and she walked up to her and said, “Teacher! Do you recognize me?” The teacher looked at the young girl and said, “Sorry, I don’t remember.” The student said, “I was in your middle school class. I’m the student that stole a classmate’s watch.” The teacher thought again and said, “I’m really sorry, I still don’t remember.” The student said, “That day, you made each student stand facing the wall with our hands covering our eyes, and then you went and searched each person’s pockets for the watch. When you found the watch in my pocket, I was extremely nervous. I thought you would scold me and my reputation would be ruined forever! But strangely, you didn’t scold me. You didn’t even say who stole the watch. You just returned the watch to the classmate and continued class as normal. All the way to graduation, you didn’t mention it. I was so relieved and grateful! Do you remember me now?" The teacher smiled and said, “Oh I remember that incident! But there’s no way I would remember you. I didn’t want to ruin any relationships among the classmates or have any negative bias towards any of my students, so I also closed my eyes when searching through my students’ pockets.” When the student heard this, all she could do was cry and give the teacher a big hug of appreciation. Commentary We all make mistakes. When we make a mistake, do we want others to scold and criticize us angrily? Probably not. Yet when others make a mistake, how do we treat them? If we don't treat others with kindness when they make a mistake, how can we expect others to treat us nicely when we make a mistake? Thus, a happier relationship and a better world all starts with us practicing the Golden Rule: "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Moreover, when others make a mistake, do we keep thinking about their wrong? When we keep thinking about their wrong, who suffers? To put other people's wrongs in our precious mind is like bringing other people's garbage into our private bedroom. That's quite absurd, isn't it? Thus, this teacher didn't even want to know who stole the watch, because he did not want to put anyone's garbage into his mind. If you are like me, you might get very upset at people's unreasonableness. Sometimes, I think, "I was absolutely reasonable, and they are being totally unreasonable here. I can't stand it!" OK, but even if they are wrong, we don't need to keep criticizing them in our mind. We can choose to forgive them and give them the opportunity to improve. After all, isn't that how we wish to be treated? Besides, everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. No one purposely tries to be wrong or stupid. When we remember this, we can feel more compassion and kindness towards others. If we can always treat others the way we want to be treated, with kindness, then we will have happier relationships and contribute to a better world. And who knows, you just might change someone's life like that teacher! Weekly Wisdom #226

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who worked diligently in the fields every day, all throughout the year, but when autumn came, he often reaped very little harvest. Despite this, he was a very contented man; he was happy with the little that he has because it is enough. Unbeknownst to the farmer, on his farm lived some ghosts. The elder ghost is an evil and grumpy ghost, and he wanted everyone else to be grumpy and bad like him. When the elder ghost saw this good-natured farmer working diligently every day, yet not getting angry at a small harvest, he said, "How could this farmer remain so happy and good? I can't stand this. I need to make him grumpy and bad like me!" The elder ghost then said to his little ghosts, "Whoever can ruin this farmer's good attitude will be rewarded!" One ghost said, "Let me try! Let me try!" "Alright," said the elder ghost. The little ghost watched the farmer working hard to till the soil. Despite the hard work, the farmer never fretted. At night, the little ghost used his magical powers to make the soil harder. The next day, he thought the farmer might complain that the soil suddenly became very hard and then give up. But when the farmer started working, he did not complain at all. He simply kept working as normal, except he rested more frequently. The little ghost reported his failed attempt to the elder ghost, who said, "This farmer is a hard case to crack. Does anyone else have an idea?" Another little ghost said, "Me! Me! Let me try!" "Alright, don't disappoint me," said the elder ghost. The second little ghost observed that the farmer only ate a loaf of bread with water for lunch. Hence, he waited until the farmer went to work in the fields in the morning, then he stole the bread and water. He hoped that the farmer would get upset at losing the little food and water he had. When the farmer came back, he was surprised that his food and water disappeared. He started searching and searching. The little ghost giggled in anticipation of the farmer getting angry. To his surprise, the farmer said, "Oh I know! Someone who needs the food more than me must have stolen it while I was working in the fields. Well, that's okay, going one meal hungry is not a big deal for me, especially if it means helping someone else in greater need." The second little ghost reported what happened to the elder ghost, who said, "Unbelievable! Perhaps we should give up." Then, the third little ghost said, "Master, master, let me try! I have a plan! But it might take a long time." The elder ghost said, "Alright, I don't have much hope for your success, but if you want to try, then be my guest." The third little ghost made himself visible to the farmer and said, "Dear mister farmer, I see you working hard on the fields all the time, and despite your little harvest, you never complain. I am a benevolent spirit here to help you." The farmer, being a good and trusting person, welcomed the ghost. The ghost had supernatural powers that allowed him to see the future, so he told the farmer, "Next year, there will be a big drought. Therefore, you need to prepare extra water and keep the soil moist next year." The farmer followed the ghost's advice, and indeed, there was a big drought. The other farmers suffered, but this farmer did not because he was prepared. The little ghost continued to tell the future to this farmer and give him advice for how to improve his harvest. Once the farmer started having a big harvest, the little ghost taught him to make wine out of the rice. Since he had so much extra harvest, the farmer had lots of wine. The little ghost taught him to sell that wine. The wine was popular, and the farmer slowly became wealthy. By now, years had passed, and the elder ghost came to check up on him. Seeing the farmer wealthy and happy, he said, "Little ghost, what have you done here? You were supposed to make him grumpy and bad, not wealthy and happy!" The little ghost replied, "Don't worry master, it is all part of the plan! Tomorrow, the farmer will have a banquet. Come and see what happens!" The next day, the farmer invited some friends over to have a feast. He ate like a pig and drank wine until he got drunk. The servant was carrying away some dishes when she accidentally dropped and broke a plate. The farmer immediately criticized her, "You careless good-for-nothing! What's wrong with you? No food for you tonight!" The elder ghost laughed in delight and asked the little ghost, "Amazing! How did you make him bad like that?" The little ghost replied, "Simple. All I did was give him more than he needed, then slowly, his greed and arrogance started to grow." Commentary When life is tough, people often cultivate virtues like diligence, frugality, and humility. But when people gain wealth and power, if they lack virtues, then vices like greed and arrogance may take over, which then attracts disaster. An example is of lottery winners. If they never cultivated frugality and humility beforehand, after suddenly gaining so much money, they become arrogant and indulgent. Soon, they squander all that money and even end up in large debt. Anyone who studies history will also know that the rise of a nation is linked to the virtues of frugality and diligence, while the fall of a nation is linked to the ruler being extravagant and lazy. Money and power in themselves are not good or bad. What makes them good or bad depends on whether or not we have enough virtues to handle them. Vices like greed, indulgence, laziness, and arrogance are what lead to people's downfall. To guard against greed and indulgence, we should cultivate gratitude and contentment. As Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." Similarly, Socrates said, "The secret of happiness is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less." To guard against arrogance and laziness, we should cultivate humility. In the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons, Liao Fan explains: "A humble person receives support and trust from the general public. If a person understands the virtue of humility, he is the person who also understands the importance of constant self-improvement. This constant self-improvement not only includes the search for higher knowledge, but also encompasses the need to be more humane, better performance in daily duties, and improved communication with friends." Indeed, I've noticed that tough times can make people better, while smooth times can make people worse. In my first three years of university, I worked extremely hard. In my fourth year, I already knew I had a full-time job lined up after graduation, so I became lazier and wasted a lot of time watching TV and playing video games. A couple hours of gaming a day might not seem like a lot, but that's 14 hours a week, 728 hours a year! These bad habits stayed with me even after I started working, and I had to work hard to change those bad habits later. Conclusion In bad times, cultivate virtues, and fortune will come. In good times, guard against vices, and fortune will stay. Weekly Wisdom #225