Image Source Once in ancient Korea, a monk master and his student were traveling to another city. Back then, there were no buses, so they had to walk. Since the student was young and strong, he carried most of their luggage on his back. During the walk, the student complained many times, saying, "Master, this bag is heavy, can we rest for a bit?" The master replied, "We already rested recently. If you keep resting, when will we ever reach our destination?" The student grumbled to himself but continued to march on. Later, they were passing through a small town, when a beautiful woman suddenly came onto the path and blocked them. She started speaking in a language they could not understand. Suddenly, she cried out loudly. Then, many villagers came. Seeing this beautiful woman screaming near these two men, the villagers jumped to the conclusion that perhaps these two men were harassing the woman. Thus, they took out sticks, pointed at the two men, and shouted, "Attack them!" Seeing the villagers about to attack him, the old master rushed ahead. The student naturally followed. After running for a short while, the villagers stopped following them. The master and his student stopped to catch their breath. The master then looked at the student and said, "So, is the bag still heavy?" The student was surprised and replied, "That's strange. Just now, all I could think about was running for my life, so I didn't feel the bag was heavy at all." Commentary We are all carrying luggage on this journey called life. Some of us feel our luggage is very heavy. Others indeed have heavy luggage but don't feel that it is heavy. Why? Because they have a life mission or purpose that attracts all their attention, such that they don't even notice the weight of their luggage. Or even if they do notice the heaviness, they have the strength to keep carrying it. So what is the key to having a strong purpose in life? Gratitude and service. We have so much to be grateful for in our lives, such as Parents for raising us and worrying about us all the time Teachers for teaching us the knowledge and skills that allow us to make a living Ancestors for keeping the family line alive generation after generation The nation for providing essential services and protecting us All people for their countless services and contributions When we think about all the gratitude we receive every single day, we naturally feel responsible to give back to the world in whatever way we can. At home, that means making our parents happy. In society, that means doing our jobs well. The more we serve others, the more we forget ourselves, and the more fulfilled we feel in life. As Gandhi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." How heavy does your luggage feel? How strong is your purpose? Weekly Wisdom #224

Image Source: Unsplash During the Great Depression (1929-1939), a wealthy bakery owner gathered twenty of the poorest children in the city and told them, "Until God improves our situation here, all of you can come to my bakery to get one loaf of bread daily." Every morning, these starving children would swarm to the bakery, pushing and shoving each other to reach the baker and his basket of bread, each hoping to get the biggest loaf of bread. After getting their loaf of bread, they hurriedly left without even saying thank you. Only one impoverished girl named Gretchen was different. She did not push or shove, nor did she fight for the biggest loaf. She always stepped aside humbly and waited patiently for the other children to take their bread and leave. Then she would grab the smallest loaf of bread left. Before leaving, she never forgot to give a kiss to the baker's hand to show her gratitude, then she would happily run home. One day, after all the kids grabbed their loaf of bread and left, timid little Gretchen received an even smaller loaf of bread than usual. However, she did not forget to give the baker's hand a kiss and say thank you. After returning home, Gretchen's mom sliced the loaf of bread and discovered that inside the bread was hidden some new, shiny silver coins! Surprised, her mother said, "Gretchen, take these silver coins back to the baker immediately. He must have accidently dropped some coins into the flour while preparing the bread. Make sure you deliver these coins straight to the kind baker's hands." When Gretchen arrived at the bakery to return the coins, the baker said, "My dear girl, this was not a mistake. I intentionally put those silver coins in there. Let me tell you something: God will give fortune and happiness to humble people. I hope you will always maintain a peaceful and grateful heart. Now go home and tell your mother that this money is a reward from God." (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction) Commentary I took three lessons away from this story. First, happy people are not people with the best material possessions, but rather people who are grateful and kind. Although little Gretchen got the smallest loaf of bread each time, she was the happiest kid because her heart felt gratitude. The Baker is also a happy man because he is a kind person who continued giving bread to these children every single day. The other kids lacked gratitude since they didn't even say a simple "thank-you". Despite getting bigger pieces of bread than Gretchen, they might be upset that they did not get the biggest piece of bread. What a shame. Second, people like to help humble people and dislike arrogant and selfish people. I imagine this kind Baker was helping these impoverished children out of his duty to God. But when he saw how humble and yielding Gretchen was, he was compelled to help her even more. By not trying to get out ahead, Gretchen ended up being ahead. Image Source Side note: bread is a pretty humble food isn't it? It usually avoids being the center of attention, its taste is mild, and it complements other foods really well. Because bread is humble, people like it. Thirdly, good education is of utmost importance. Gretchen has a virtuous mother who taught her to be humble and honest. The other kids probably did not have as virtuous of parents. The Baker also received virtuous religious teachings around kindness and love. Otherwise, he wouldn't donate food to these poor children. Virtuous education is key to a happy and prosperous life. While we cannot change the education we received in the past, we can choose our education starting today. Read virtuous books, listen to virtuous podcasts, follow virtuous role models on social media, and avoid all the negative content out there. For me, I've done a good job cutting out negative content from my life, and I reflect on at least one specific thing that I was grateful for every day. However, I can still do a better job in terms of gratitude and humility, which is clearly evidenced by the fact that I still have conflicts with people. If we can constantly keep in mind what we appreciate about others and the importance of humility, we would definitely have great relationships. Those are my reflections for now. What lessons did you take away? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #223

This week, I visited Niagara Falls with a group of people who study Traditional Chinese Culture (Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism). Among the group was an esteemed guest named Venerable Cheng De. I was first introduced to Traditional Chinese Culture around two years ago from his talks on Di Zi Gui: Guide to A Happy Life, which had a huge impact on my life. He is basically my idol, so I was absolutely delighted to meet him in person! During the trip, I just happened to be near him with the waterfall in the background, and he gestured me over to take a picture with him. After the picture, he turned around and told me, "Look at that water, charging forward with such force. Water is so courageous." Image Source My first thought was, Wow, everyone is busy trying to take pictures of the waterfall, but he is contemplating the virtues of water. Such a wise person! My next thought was, Hmm... I've heard of the virtues of water from the Dao De Jing, which mentioned humility and benevolence. But I've never heard of courage before. I said to him, "Oh that's interesting, I've never heard anyone say water is courageous before. I just remember Lao Zi mentioned that water is really humble and yielding." He said, "Water has so many virtues. For example, water has great aspiration." Again, I was surprised. I've never heard anyone say water has aspiration. He saw me frown, and he continued, "When water flows along a river, it must go through so many twists and bends, but it never forgets its ultimate goal: the great ocean." I nodded slowly and said, "Very true." He continued, "Like you said, water is very humble. It flows down to the low places. Water is also benevolent. It nurtures all living beings equally without discrimination. Water is also flexible. It can take on whatever shape of its container, and it can be a solid, liquid, or gas based on the temperature. Water is wise. It follows the Dao." Thanks to that one short conversation, what initially was just a sightseeing trip became a useful life lesson. I decided to study the virtues of water as a way to commemorate this event. Coincidentally, I just wrote about water last week in The Three Treasures of Daoism, so I went back to the Dao De Jing to search up the chapter about water. Chapter 8 of the Dao De Jing says: The supreme goodness is like water. Water benefits all things without conflict. It resides in the low places that others don't want. Thus, it is close to the Dao. An excellent residence counts on the suitability of the setting. An excellent mind counts on stillness like an abyss. Excellent relationships count on benevolence. Excellent words count on integrity. Excellent governance counts on order. Excellent handling of affairs counts on ability. Excellent action counts on timing. Such an excellent person has no conflict, thus no one finds fault with him. (Original Text: 上善若水。水善利萬物而不爭，處衆人之所惡，故幾於道。居善地，心善淵，與善仁，言善信，正善治，事善能，動善時。夫唯不爭，故無尤。) From the above passage, we can see many virtues of water: Benevolence: Water benefits all things without discrimination, no matter if you are a fish, a plant, an animal, or a human. Harmony: Water does not have conflict with others. If water meets a rock, it just flows around it. If it meets a river bend, it turns with it. Thus, no one faults it. Humility: Water resides in low places that others don't want, just like a humble person is willing to do the non-glamorous but important jobs. Integrity: Clear water does not hide anything. It reflects the truth. Orderly: Water follows natural order. It flows according to the river. It evaporates and then rains down to nourish all places. Ability: Despite its humility, water actually has great ability. It can erode rock with its soft persistence. It can take on the form of any container. It can nurture all living beings. Wisdom: Water flows to find the most suitable location for itself, such as the ocean. Water is tranquil and clear. When the mind is tranquil and clear, wisdom arises. Water always does things with the right timing. Spring rain comes in time to nourish growing seedlings. Winter snow only happens in winter. Image Source I'm a very by-the-book type of a person, so normally, I would try to memorize these seven virtues. But Venerable Cheng De showed me the importance of going beyond the book and inspecting the real situation at hand. Lao Zi didn't talk about waterfalls specifically, but Venerable Cheng De was able to see the virtue of courage in a waterfall. He also observed the great ambition of water, flowing from small rivers to the great ocean. In his talks, he always emphasizes the importance of applying philosophy in daily life. I speculate that one reason he was able to notice these characteristics about water is because he's had to practice courage and aspiration in his own life. Another reason is probably because his mind is calm and tranquil, which gives rise to wisdom. I've only just started on my journey of seeking wisdom and cultivating virtues, and I feel so fortunate to have received such a profound lesson from my idol teacher. I hope to emulate the goodness of water and become more kind, harmonious, humble, and wise. What virtues of water inspire you? Are there any virtues I missed? Let me know! Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #188 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

The Great Learning was considered one of the four must-read books for scholars in ancient China who wished to become "Great People", such as government leaders. If you want to be a "Great Person" too, then this is the book for you! The core teachings from this book are from Confucius, who lived 2500 years ago in ancient China. His student, Zengzi, compiled the book and added explanatory notes. Today, Confucius's teachings have spread all over the world, and for good reason! If you are like me, you might be wondering if a 2500-year old book has any relevance to our modern life. Once I started reading the book, I couldn’t put it down because the logic and ideas in the book are not just insightful, they are also highly practical. If self-help books were analogous to orange juice, then most self-help books are like cheap diluted orange juice, while The Great Learning is like freshly-squeezed-organic-super-concentrated orange juice. The book teaches us a proper life goal that is inspiring and truly beneficial: seeking the greatest excellence. The book also teaches us to find the root of everything rather than being lost in the leaves and branches. Finally, the book offers a step-by-step instruction guide for how we can achieve the greatest excellence in ourselves and for the world. In this article, I will summarize eight big lessons from the book: Seek the Greatest Excellence Find the root cause Follow the natural sequence How to purify your thoughts How to straighten your mind How to cultivate your actions How to organize a family (or lead a small group) How to govern a country (or lead a large group) The end of the article will give a practical starting point. (Note: The original book is in classical Chinese and can be found here. Even modern Chinese people have trouble understanding classical Chinese, and I consulted this lecture series to inform my translation and understanding. If you have suggestions to improve these translations, I would be happy to hear them in the comments.) Without further ado, let’s get into it! Lesson 1: Seek the Greatest Excellence Text: The path of the Great Learning is at enlightening one’s bright virtues, at influencing the people, and ending at the greatest excellence. (Original Text: 大學之道，在明明德，在親民，在止於至善。) Commentary: The Great Learning is a path to walk in life, and this path leads to "the greatest excellence". Image Source: Unsplash The greatest excellence involves two things: first, enlightening our bright virtues; second, influencing the people. Influencing the people means helping others enlighten their bright virtues. When we have enlightened our bright virtues and we have helped others enlighten their bright virtues, then we have arrived at the greatest excellence. What does “enlightening one’s bright virtues” mean? “Enlightening” means to understand and to use very proficiently. For example, Confucius was described as harmonious, honest, respectful, conserving, and yielding. He not only understood these five virtues, but his actions always accorded with them. Some people can explain what it means to be virtuous, but their actions are not virtuous. Some people are sometimes virtuous, other times not. When we can do virtues consistently and naturally, then we have enlightened our virtues. Virtues are bright because they are like sunlight: they make our lives warm and happy, and they grow good things. The ancient Chinese were very wise, which is why they emphasized virtuous education from a young age with books like Guide to A Happy Life. That book explains five foundational virtues: filial piety, carefulness, trustworthiness, loving-kindness, and humility. It is thanks to virtuous teachings like these that society was so peaceful in ancient China and the Chinese race has survived for 5000 years! Vices, on the other hand, are dark: they make our lives muddled and cold and kill all things. Examples of vices include, anger, arrogance, greed, wastefulness, laziness, and stubbornness. These vices will lead to suffering, unhappiness, conflict, and harm to both ourselves and the people around us. We all have seeds of virtue and seeds of vice inside of us. Whichever seeds get watered will be the ones that grow. If we receive good teachings, then our virtue seeds grow. If we receive bad teachings, then our vice seeds grow. That’s why the ancient Chinese emphasized virtuous education starting from childhood. If a child establishes firm roots in virtue from a young age, then they will have a bright future. But if a child learns vice from a young age, it will be very hard to change those bad habits, and their future will be dim. At this point, you might be reflecting on your own past and realizing that a lot of your vice seeds got watered. Indeed, modern media tends to role model vices such as indulgence, arrogance, selfishness, deceit, and wastefulness. When we watch this kind of media growing up, we get influenced. But the good news is that we can change. Starting today, we can choose to walk the path of The Great Learning and enlighten our bright virtues, which will bring light and joy to our lives and the lives of all those around us. Lesson 2: Find The Root Cause Every result has a root cause. Ordinary people focus on the easy-to-see result, while "Great People" (people who studied the Great Learning) find the hard-to-see root cause. To give an analogy, imagine an obese person just got told by the doctor that he is at dangerous risk of heart disease, and he needs to lose weight or else he might die soon. He really wants to lose weight quickly, so his doctor tells him he can get surgery to cut off all that fat. It should be easy to understand that cutting away the fat does not solve the root of the problem. The root cause of his obesity is the food that he eats and his lack of physical activity. Cutting away the fat only creates a temporary solution, and it has negative side effects too. If he does not change his diet and lifestyle, he will gain all that weight back later. Now, let’s look at what The Great Learning says about finding the root cause of “The Greatest Excellence”. Text: Our ancestors, who wished for all people on Earth to enlighten their bright virtues, first governed their countries well. Wishing to govern their countries well, they first organized their households well. Wishing to organize their households, they first cultivated their actions. Wishing to cultivate their actions, they first straightened their minds. Wishing to straighten their minds, they first purified their thoughts. Wishing to purify their thoughts, they first detected their intentions. The goal to detecting intentions is to eliminate selfish desire. By eliminating selfish desire, intentions become perfected. By perfecting intentions, thoughts become purified. By purifying thoughts, the mind becomes straightened. By straightening the mind, actions become cultivated. By cultivating actions, the household becomes well-organized. By organizing the household, the country becomes well-governed. By governing the country well, world peace is accomplished. (Original text: 古之欲明明德於天下者，先治其國；欲治其國者，先齊其家；欲齊其家者，先修其身；欲修其身者，先正其心；欲正其心者，先誠其意；欲誠其意者，先致其知，致知在格物。物格而後知至，知至而後意誠，意誠而後心正，心正而後身修，身修而後家齊，家齊而後國治，國治而後天下平。) Commentary: In order to achieve the greatest excellence, which can also be called "world peace", we should all start by eliminating selfish desire. This might seem surprising, but the logic and wisdom here is undeniable. To attain world peace, we must first have peace within our country. That requires us to lead our country well, to bring out the virtues of everyone in our country. If we want to lead a large group like a country, we first must be able to lead a small group like our family. If we cannot even influence our own family members to support us, how can we influence strangers? Moreover, if we have conflict at home, how can have a clear mind and abundant energy to do our work? In order to influence a small group, we need to first cultivate our actions, which means doing virtuous deeds and helping others. People who do good things gain the support of others, while people who do bad things are shunned by the group. In order to act virtuously, we need to straighten our mind. Just like how if we always hunch our back, the body will take on that shape, making it hard to change. Similarly, the mind also gets shaped by our thoughts. If we always have negative thoughts and watch negative teachings, then our mind will become crooked and dirty. In order to straighten the mind, we need to purify our dirty thoughts. Imagine you constantly filled a bucket (your mind) with dirty water (dirty thoughts). Now, you want to clean it. You need to spend time using clean water (virtuous thoughts) to wash away all that dirt stuck on the bucket. In order to purify our thoughts, we need to detect our intentions. Intentions are smaller than thoughts. Two people can have the same thought but have different intentions. For example, two people both have the thought, “I should work hard.” Working hard is a good thought, right? Well, it depends on your intention. One person’s intention is to make lots of money so he can enjoy himself. That is a selfish intention, which is considered harmful and negative. Another person’s intention is to make lots of money so he can repay gratitude to his parents and teachers and also help those in need. That is a selfless intention, which is considered virtuous and positive. The goal of detecting our intentions is to eliminate selfish desire. That’s because the root of all conflict is selfish desire. At a small scale, two children want the same toy and fight over it. At a big level, it’s two country leaders with nuclear bombs fighting over who is right and who should yield to who. If they succumb to anger and arrogance, they could destroy the world. Therefore, the root cause of world peace is everyone having selfless love for each other. What is selfless love? Selfless love means we want the best for others without any selfish desire in return. It’s just like how a parent loves an infant without wanting anything in return from that infant. Furthermore, if a mother sees her child in a burning house, she will run into that burning house to rescue her child. If she cannot bring the child out, she will stay in that burning house and hug and comfort the child. In that state of love for her child, she forgets about herself. She has no thought of “I”; her only thought is to help her child. In an everyday context, selfless love is about having good faith towards all people. Good faith means I want the best for others, and I wouldn’t harm others no matter how much benefit I could get for myself. For example, parents naturally want the best for their children, and children should naturally be filial in return. A leader should naturally want his group to prosper, and the followers will naturally want the best for the leader in return. Friends should naturally want the best for each other as well. When relationships are based on good faith, they are happy and long-lasting. If relationships are based on self-interest, then they are doomed once a conflict of interest occurs. An over-focus on self-interest is what leads to unhappy relationships, high divorce rates, and high crime rates in society. Hence we see the importance of selfless love. But without desire, how could I be successful? How could society advance? The Great Learning did not say eliminate desire. It said eliminate selfish desire. The Great Learning actually tells us to desire! Desire what? The greatest excellence! That means desiring virtues and world peace. If others think you are a selfish person and don’t care about them, they won’t trust you or help you. If no one helps you, how could you be successful? On the other hand, the more people selflessly you help, the more people who will want to help you back. It’s natural human sentient to repay kindness. Societal advancement also is not due to selfish desire. How could society advance if everyone only cared for themselves? Society advances because of people who want to better the world. All great leaders who left a lasting impact of the world cared for the whole world. For example, Confucius didn’t risk his life traveling through warring countries for his own selfish gain, he did it for the good of all people, to urge the country leaders to enlighten their bright virtues. Similarly, Elon Musk doesn’t work 100-hour weeks because he wants to be rich and famous, he is doing it to save the human race from climate disaster and asteroid disaster. He got rich and famous because so many people appreciate him and want to support his mission. It thanks to people with such big hearts that society advances. Broaden Your Heart Most people only think about themselves. The Great Learning teaches us to broaden our hearts. Instead of only thinking about what is best for me, widen that to “What is best for my family?” Then widen that to “What is best for all people in my country?” Then widen that to “What is best for all people on Earth?” To serve others is the greatest joy. That's why Gandhi said, "You find yourself when you lose yourself in the service of others." The more people you are living for, the more motivation you have, and the more successful you will be. The problem isn’t wealth, fame, or power. The problem is the small selfish intention. Many people think the more they want something, the more likely they will succeed. In reality, selfish desire just adds stress, and stress lowers our performance. We can want the same goals of wealth and fame but have different intentions. If we want wealth and fame for our ego and indulgences, then we will easily give up when things get too hard. A selfish person would rather relax than work tirelessly towards a difficult task. Even if a selfish person attains wealth and fame, he will quickly squander them and lose them. He will spend on that money on personal indulgences, his fame will magnify his vices, and he will crash and burn. It’s not real success if you can’t keep it long-term. On the other hand, we can want fame and wealth to use as tools for enlightening our bright virtues and to do the same for others. We can use our power to educate others and bring world peace. That is what a "Great Person" would do. Lesson 3: Follow the Sequence When we do anything in life, there is a natural sequence to follow. If you want to bake bread, you have to first mix the flour with yeast, then knead the dough, then let the dough rise, then bake it, then eat it. You cannot skip from mixing flour straight to eating bread, or skip the yeast and expect the dough to rise, or not bake it and expect it to be edible. From the text above the text above, we see there is a natural sequence that links the Greatest Excellence (world peace) all the way down to eliminating selfish desire. First work on yourself, then extend out to the people around you (your family), then to the larger group (country). If someone skips from being selfish all the time to suddenly caring about the whole world, that’s probably a false act. A virtuous person first takes care of the surrounding family because we owe the most gratitude towards them. If you are busy trying to “help the world” but you neglect your own family, then you are probably chasing fame and power with selfish intentions. Therefore, first take care of the people around you before trying to “save the world.” To give another example, a business should first take care of its employees before taking care of its customers. The employees are like the family, and the business owner owes most gratitude to the employees, more so than to the customers. If a business says they want the best for their customers, but they treat their employees poorly, then it’s all a lie. They only care for the customer’s money, not the person. They would be willing to hurt their customers and do unethical things if it means they can get more money. Therefore, first take care of the people closest to you before taking care of the people farther away. It is natural human sentiment. Lesson 4: How to Purify Your Thoughts Earlier, we already said that in order to purify your thoughts, you need to detect your intentions and then eliminate any selfish intentions. Replace those selfish intentions with good faith. Widen your heart, step-by-step, from your family to your country to all people in the world. The Great Learning gives some more guidance on purifying one’s thoughts: What is meant by purifying one’s thoughts? It means to not deceive oneself, just like one instinctively dislikes a bad odor or enjoys a beautiful sight. This is what’s called “having a clear conscience.” Therefore, a virtuous person must be cautious when alone. A petty person will do unethical things when alone. When he sees a virtuous person, he tries to hide his vices and display his goodness. But it is of no use; The virtuous person sees through the pretense. This is what’s called “The inside manifests on the outside.” Therefore, the virtuous person must be cautious when alone. Zengzi said, “Act as if ten pairs of eyes are watching you and ten hands are pointing at you.” Just as wealth adorns a room, virtues adorn the body. Widen your heart, then your body will be at ease. Therefore, a virtuous person must purify one’s thoughts. (Original Text: 所謂誠其意者，毋自欺也，如惡惡臭，如好好色，此之謂自謙，故君子必慎其獨也！小人閑居為不善，無所不至，見君子而後厭然，掩其不善，而著其善。人之視己，如見其肺肝然，則何益矣！此謂誠於中，形於外，故君子必慎其獨也。曾子曰：「十目所視，十手所指，其嚴乎！」富潤屋，德潤身，心廣體胖，故君子必誠其意。) Commentary: From the passage above, we can see that purifying our thoughts requires us to not deceive ourselves. Often times, we know what is right and wrong, good or bad, but we will make excuses for ourselves. Everyone has bad habits that they know they shouldn’t do, but they still keep doing it. Why? They lie to themselves, saying “it’s not a big deal…I can fix it later…what’s the point of life if I can’t enjoy myself?” These are all excuses, and the root of these excuses is selfish desire. Deep in our mind, we know it is not good to do this, but we ignore that feeling of guilt. That is called “turning a blind eye” to our selfish intention rather than detecting our selfish intention. If we truly want to be successful, to enlighten our bright virtues, then we must not make excuses for our bad habits, and we must not turn a blind eye to our selfish intentions. Only when we can be 100% honest with ourselves, then we can truly improve our virtues and our lives. Lesson 5: How to Straighten Your Mind We’ve already talked about the prerequisites to straightening the mind: purify your thoughts, detect your intentions, and eliminate selfish desire. The Great Learning gives some more guidance on straightening the mind: What is meant by “cultivating actions lies in straightening the mind”? If the body has anger, then the mind is not straight; Fear, then the mind is not straight; Excitement, then the mind is not straight; Worry, then the mind is not straight. When one is absent-minded, one looks but does not see, hears but does not listen, eats but does not taste the flavors. This is what’s called “cultivating actions lies in straightening the mind.” (Original Text: 所謂修身在正其心者：身有所忿懥，則不得其正；有所恐懼，則不得其正；有所好樂，則不得其正；有所憂患，則不得其正。心不在焉，視而不見，聽而不聞，食而不知其味。此謂修身在正其心。) Commentary: You might be wondering why the text says “if the body has…” instead of “if the mind has…”. The reason is actually explained in the previous section, which said, “The inside manifests on the outside.” We can’t see someone’s mind, but we can see their body, and their body will reflect their mind and emotions. From this passage, we can see that strong emotions make the mind crooked, and when the mind is crooked, the intention is not purely selfless. If someone gets angry, it is because other people or the world did not fulfill their selfish desire. If someone feels fear or worry, it is because they are afraid their desire won’t be obtained, or they worry that they will lose what they obtained. The root of all these negative emotions is selfish desire. Now, you might be wondering, why is excitement a bad thing? The cultivated person seeks a long-lasting and stable sense of peace and happiness. Excitement is a very intense emotion, and it results in an emotional low afterwards. Excitement also makes us lose our logical thinking ability. For example, imagine a new couple who are very excited and passionate in their relationship. Their parents see that these two people are not ready to get married yet, but the two lovers are so excited and passionate that they don’t listen to logic. Clearly, their mind is not straight and their intentions are not selfless. A virtuous person will always have a calm and pleasant demeanor. Their emotional energy will make you feel very comfortable and peaceful. On the other hand, a person with strong emotions will have an overpowering energy that makes others feel uncomfortable. Finally, straightening the mind requires our mind to be present and focused on whatever is in front of us. If we are absent-minded, then we are probably obsessing about the past for worrying about the future. If our mind is like that, then we won't act in a virtuous way. That is why so many spiritual practices teach people to focus on the present moment, let go of the past, and not worry about the future. When our mind is able to focus in the moment, then we can think clearly and act virtuously. Lesson 6: How to Cultivate Actions We already explained that cultivating actions require us to first straighten the mind by eliminating strong emotions, purifying our intentions, and eliminating selfish desire. The Great Learning gives more guidance on cultivating actions: What is meant by “organizing the family lies in cultivating one’s actions?”. What one fawns on, one is partial to; What one despises, one is partial to; What one reveres, one is partial to; What one pities, one is partial to; What one disdains, one is partial to. Therefore, it is most rare to see a person to like something while knowing its bad qualities. Therefore, as the proverb says, “People do not know their children’s faults, do not know their crop’s peak.” This is what is meant by “People who do not cultivate their actions cannot organize their family.” (Original text: 所謂齊其家在修其身者：人之其所親愛而辟焉，之其所賤惡而辟焉，之其所畏敬而辟焉，之其所哀矜而辟焉，之其所敖惰而辟焉。故好而知其惡，惡而知其美者，天下鮮矣！故諺有之曰：「人莫知其子之惡，莫知其苗之碩。」此謂身不修不可以齊其家。) Commentary: Cultivating our actions is about treating everybody with equality and fairness. We should understand that everyone has different personalities, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. A virtuous person loves people for all that they are, both strengths AND weaknesses. A petty person only likes you when you behave the way they want you to behave, and they dislike you for your weaknesses. As the text says, virtuous people are rare, but it is our aspiration as students of The Great Learning. Although the text uses the word “family”, we can interpret “family” to mean any small group. There is a Chinese proverb that says, “When the family is harmonious, all things will be prosperous.” That's because a harmonious family will give us peace of mind and moral support. If we want our small group to be harmonious and prosperous, we must treat all people in the group with equal love and respect. If we treat some people better than others, then those who we treat less well will get upset and create conflict. Then the group will not be prosperous. That is why “People who do not cultivate their actions cannot organize their family.” Lesson 7: How to Organize A Family (or Lead a Small Group) Although the text says “organizing the family”, in reality, it is the same principles as leading a small group. The Great Learning has a long section on how to organize the family. For the sake of concision, let’s just look at a few selected lines: What is meant by “governing the country lies in organizing the family?” It has never been the case that one could not influence his family but could influence other people…. The Announcement to Kang said, “As if protecting an infant.” When one is sincere, even if one does not meet the needs of the infant right on, one will not be far from it… Emperors Yao and Shun led the kingdom with benevolence, and the people learned. Jie and Zhou ruled the kingdom with violence, and the people learned. If what one says does not match what one does, the people will not listen. Therefore, a leader must first possess those good qualities himself before expecting them from others, and he must first eliminate those bad qualities in himself before expecting others to do so. There has never been an inconsiderate person who could influence others. Thus, governing the country lies in organizing the family. (Original text: 所謂治國必先齊其家者，其家不可教而能教人者，無之…《康誥》曰：「如保赤子」，心誠求之，雖不中不遠矣。… 堯、舜率天下以仁，而民從之；桀、紂率天下以暴，而民從之。其所令反其所好，而民不從。是故君子有諸己而後求諸人，無諸己而後非諸人。所藏乎身不恕，而能喻諸人者，未之有也。故治國在齊其家。) Commentary: This section teaches us that leading a small group requires us to have sincere good faith towards the followers, just like a mother protecting an infant. It also requires us to lead by example and to be considerate towards followers. This section has 4 key points: First lead the people near you before the people far away Be sincere Lead by example Be considerate and forgiving 1. First lead the people near you before the people far away Recall earlier we said that a person first needs to ensure his family is harmonious and prosperous before trying to save the world. Here, the Great Learning emphasis this point by saying that if you can’t even bring harmony to your family, the closet people around you, how can you possibly bring harmony to the country? To give another example, let’s say you are a department leader in a company. If you can’t even bring harmony and prosperity to your own department, how can you possibly lead the whole company? Therefore, we must first inspire and better the people around us before we have the credibility to inspire and lead the larger group. 2. Be sincere The Great Learning also teaches us to be sincere in treating the people around us. The text gives an analogy of how a mother treats her infant. Sincerity here has the same meaning as selfless love. When we only have their good faith in mind, and we forget about selfish desire, then even if we don’t meet their needs exactly, we won’t be far from it. When people feel our deep sincerity to help them, they will be moved and they will trust us. 3. Lead by Example The Great Learning emphasizes the importance of leading by example. When the country has virtuous leaders like Yao and Shun, the people will be virtuous. When the country has evil leaders like Jie and Zhou, the people will be evil too. A petty person tells other people to listen to his advice, but he himself does not follow his advice. A virtuous and influential leader first role models the behavior he expects others to have, then he tells them to do it. 4. Be Considerate and Forgiving A good leader also is very considerate, just like a mother is very kind to an infant. She can empathize with others and understand that they are trying their best, so she won't harshly criticize others. When people feel understood by you, and they feel that you care for them, then they will trust you and listen to you. When people see you kindly forgiving them for their mistake, they will be inspired to improve. If people feel you are inconsiderate and don’t understand them, then they won’t listen to you. That’s why inconsiderate people can’t influence others. (Side note: When it comes to leadership, Confucius taught three leadership traits: leading by example, showing genuine care, and teaching followers. We can see that the first two traits are from the Great Learning.) Lesson 8: How to Govern a Country (or Lead a Large Group) After we can effectively lead a small group, such as our family, then we can lead a large group, such as a country. In a large group, you cannot personally interact with each follower, and your every word and action is scrutinized by all. Therefore, the leader of a large group must first cultivate strong virtues, otherwise their fame and power will be their downfall. This section about leading a country is the longest, so for the sake of concision, I picked out some key lines: What is meant by “world peace lies in governing the country”? When leaders respect their parents, the people will be filial. When leaders take care of siblings, the people will take care of siblings. When leaders are compassionate towards the misfortunate, the people will not ignore the misfortunate. Thus, a ruler should follow the way of the measuring square: What you dislike in those above, do not impose on those below; What you dislike in those below, do not impose on those above; What you dislike in those before you, do not impose on those after you; What you dislike in those after you, do not impose on those in front of you. What you dislike in those on your right, do not impose to those on your left; What you dislike in those on your left, do not impose to those on your right. This is what’s called “the way of the measuring square.” The Book of Poetry said, “How joyful the ruler is to be the parent of the people.” To love what is good for the people and to hate what is bad for the people, this is what’s called “the parent of the people”… To win the people’s hearts is the way to obtain the country. To lose the people’s hearts is the way to lose the country. Therefore, a ruler first pays attention to virtues. Having virtues will give him people. Having people will give him land. Having land will give him wealth. Having wealth will bring him usefulness. Virtues are the root, wealth is the result. If the ruler neglects the root and only chases the result, then his people will dispute with him and seize his property. Therefore, hoarding wealth is the way to lose the people, and investing wealth in the people is the way to gain the people… The Book of Chu said, "The Kingdom of Chu does not value treasure but instead treasures virtuous people." A virtuous leader uses wealth for cultivation. A non-virtuous leader uses his life to chase wealth. Never has there been a benevolent leader whose followers were not dutiful. Never has there been dutiful followers who did not complete their tasks fully… When the ruler focuses on wealth, that ruler is influenced by non-virtuous advisors. He thinks those advisors are good, but non-virtuous advisors will bring disaster to the country. Even if good people take their place later, it will be too late to remedy the situation. This illustrates the principle, “A country does not view profit as benefit but instead views duty as benefit.” (Original Text: 所謂平天下在治其國者：上老老而民興孝，上長長而民興弟，上恤孤而民不倍，是以君子有絜矩之道也。所惡於上，毋以使下；所惡於下，毋以事上；所惡於前，毋以先後；所惡於後，毋以從前；所惡於右，毋以交於左；所惡於左，毋以交於右。此之謂絜矩之道。《詩》云：「樂只君子，民之父母。」民之所好好之，民之所惡惡之，此之謂民之父母…得眾則得國，失眾則失國。是故君子先慎乎德。有德此有人，有人此有土，有土此有財，有財此有用。德者本也，財者末也，外本內末，爭民施奪。是故財聚則民散，財散則民聚…楚書曰：「楚國無以為寶，惟善以為寶。」…仁者以財發身，不仁者以身發財。未有上好仁而下不好義者也，未有好義其事不終者也，未有府庫財非其財者也…長國家而務財用者，必自小人矣。彼為善之，小人之使為國家，災害并至。雖有善者，亦無如之何矣！此謂國不以利為利，以義為利也。) Commentary: From this section, we can see that the virtues of a country leader must be extremely high. The text says that leaders need to behave as leaders should. As mentioned in the previous section, leaders need to lead by example and show consideration to their followers. This section talks about five main points: The Way of the Measuring Square Leader = Parent Re-Emphasizing The Importance of Virtues How to Properly Use Wealth Seek Virtuous Influences 1. The Way of The Measuring Square = The Golden Rule This section further explains that leaders always treat other people well, even when others don’t treat them well. This is what Confucius meant when he said, "What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others." When others treat us in a way that makes us feel bad, we should not treat others in the same way. This is called “the way of the measuring square.” The Guide to Happy Life gives the same teaching when it said, "When I see other people's bad points, I will reflect on myself. If I have the same bad point, I will fix it. If not, then I will guard against it." It also says, "When I see other people's good points, I will learn from them. Even if I am far from their abilities now, I can gradually catch up." 2. Leader = Parent Leaders play the role of a parent, loving what is good for their children and hating what is bad for their children. When leaders do this for their people, then the people will behave as filial children and do the same for the leader. The filial piety chapter of The Guide to Happy Life says, “What is good for my parents, I will provide. What is bad for my parents, I will remove.” Children (followers) learn this behavior from their parents' (leaders') role modeling. Moreover, being a parent or leader is a happy thing because you take pleasure in the joy of others. When you have lots of followers being virtuous and people, get are happy too. Selfless love brings long-lasting happiness, while selfish desire brings brings. 3. Re-Emphasizing The Importance of Virtues The Great Learning keeps emphasizing that virtues is the root and wealth is the result. Many people chase wealth, thinking that if they work hard, they can obtain it. Or worse, they even do unethical things in pursuit of wealth. But The Great Learning explains that if we want wealth, we must first cultivate our virtues, then people will help us, and then we will obtain wealth. That's why the Kingdom of Chu does not treasure wealth but rather sees virtuous people as its treasure. 4. How to Properly Use Wealth The Great Learning also warns us that after we obtain wealth, we mustn’t hoard wealth and ignore those in need. If we selfishly hoard our wealth and are unwilling to help others who need it, then other people will fight with us and even seize our property. In the case of a greedy country ruler, the citizens will overthrow that ruler. A virtuous person uses wealth to help others, thereby improving his virtues and reducing his selfishness. A non-virtuous person just chases wealth for his own self-benefit. As mentioned before, wealth itself is not good or bad, it is simply an amplifier of our character. If we have good intentions and virtues, then wealth will amplify our goodness. If we have bad virtues, then wealth will amplify our faults and make us crash and burn. When a leader is virtuous and benevolent, then the followers will naturally be dutiful and loyal, and they will do their tasks with utmost effort to support their leader. Hence, we see again and again the important of cultivate virtues. 5. Seek Virtuous Influences Finally, The Great Learning ends by warning us to surround ourselves with virtuous influences and eliminate bad influences. This is extra important for country leaders since their decisions impact so many people. As The Guide to Happy Life says, “If I can get close to virtuous people, the benefits are limitless. If I get close to non-virtuous people, the harm is limitless.” A Practical Starting Point In summary, The Great Learning taught us to seek "the greatest excellence" by enlightening our bright virtues and by influencing the people around us to do the same. The book also gave 8 steps from eliminating selfish desire all the way to world peace. But in these 8 steps, where should we start? Initially, we might expect that we should start from eliminating selfish desire, but actually, The Great Learning says : “From the ruler of the world to the common person, all must consider cultivating actions to be the root.” (Original text: 自天子以至於庶人，壹是皆以修身為本。) If you’re like me, you might be wondering why the text says cultivating actions should be the root instead of eliminating selfish desire. To answer this question, let's draw out the 8 tasks visually: From the right side of the picture, we can see that cultivating actions is the root (first step) for Influencing the People, and it is visible to the outside world. On the left side, we also see that eliminating selfish desires is the first step to enlightening our bright virtues, but this happens on the inside so it is not visible to others. Therefore, one explanation is that this line is referring to the root of Influencing the People. But a more practical reason is that it is quite hard for us to eliminate selfish desire completely right away or to control our thoughts. For example, you see something you like, and you want it. It is hard to stop that thought from arising, so if we told the common person to start by eliminating those starts, people would give up and say it's not practical. But if we tell people to focus on doing virtuous actions, like helping others and not making others unhappy, then everyone would agree this is very doable. Furthermore, by changing our actions, we can naturally change our mind. When we do good deeds, we naturally feel good for helping others. That positive thought will wash away selfish dirt in our minds, making it easier to do good deeds in the future. Doing virtuous deeds like like giving our mind a bath. Over time, the mind will be purified. A Role Model: Liao Fan A great example of someone who purified his mind through cultivating action is a man named Liao Fan. In his book, Liao Fan’s Four Lessons, he talked about how he spent many years practicing good deeds to change his bad habits and selfish intentions. When he had learned how his bad behavior were responsible for his bad life, he vowed to do 3000 virtuous deeds to change his life for the better. He struggled a lot in the beginning, saying, “Sometimes, I forced myself to act kindly, but my speech was still untamed and offensive…Although I often practiced kind deeds and accumulated merits, my faults and offenses were so numerous they seemed to outnumber my good deeds…It took me more than ten ears to complete the 3000 good deeds I had vowed to do.” After the first 3000 deeds were complete, his mind was a lot more purified. He then vowed to do another 3000 good deeds. This time, he wrote, “Every time I performed a kind deed, I would record it in a book…Every day we practiced like this, and in four years, the 3000 deeds were completed.” After 14 years of cultivating action, his mind and intentions became purified, and he went from a rather poor life to attaining great wealth and prestige. Therefore, we can all learn from Liao Fan's example and start our cultivation by correcting our bad behavior. For example, let’s say it is very hard to not get angry if someone offends you. That thought of anger arises before you even realize it. But once you realize it, you can stop yourself from arguing, remind yourself that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and people who get angry at others probably are very unhappy themselves. Therefore, I should not argue with them. This is cultivating our actions, and doing this over and over again will straighten the mind, purify the intention, and eliminate selfish desire. Another example is complaining. When things don’t go the way we selfishly want, it is easy to get annoyed and complain. Although we can’t prevent the thought of complaining from arising, we can notice every time we complain and then stop ourselves. Then we can say one thing we appreciate about the situation. As we do this over and over again, our mind will eventually become less complaining and more appreciation. These two examples both show why cultivating actions is the most practical way to start on the path of The Great Learning. To-Be List A great tool I've used to fix my bad behavior is the To-Be List. Essentially, you write down a list of virtues you want to do in your daily life. Then at the end of the day, you reflect on whether you lived according to those virtues or against them. Give yourself a +1 for each virtuous deed and a -1 for each vice, and see your score at the end of the day. You can track this score over time and try to increase it. I use Excel to track my To-Be list, and I like it because I can add a comment to each box explaining why I got that +1 or -1. And if I got a negative point, I always write down how I can prevent that mistake in the future. At the beginning, I found many problems, and I worked on them 1 by 1. After a few months, my problems got less and less, and I become noticeable more happy and clear-headed in my daily life. My mother noticed my improvement in character and she was inspired to use the To-Be List too! If you don't want to use the computer for your daily self-reflection, you can also use a journal. The most important thing is to have virtues that you are working on and to reflect on them every day. This daily self-reflection is a very useful daily ritual that will help us stay on the path of The Great Learning. Let's all do our part to enlighten our virtues and influence others to do the same!

In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, shares an encounter he had with a father that had trouble with his son: A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me at all.” “Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “That’s right,” he replied. “Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because HE won’t listen to YOU?” “That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied. “I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested. “OH!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again, as the light began to dawn. “Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what he’s going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.” This man didn’t have the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside his boy’s head. He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including his boy. While we may chuckle at this father, the reality is, we are all guilty of committing the same offense constantly. Why can’t my parent/child be more understanding? Why can’t my employees be more hardworking? Why can’t my boss be more supportive? The problem is always someone else, and we never reflect to think how changing ourselves might solve the problem. Not only do we try to control others, but we do it unknowingly. As a result, we hurt others and ourselves, and we don’t even know how it happened. People are not machines, and we should not be trying to control them. Image Source: Unsplash How big of a deal is it that we try to control others? Robert Waldinger answers this question in his TED Talk, What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness. As you may guess from the title of his talk, our tendency to control others has a huge impact on our happiness. Waldinger is the fourth director of The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked the lives of 724 men for 75 years, starting in 1938. Studies like this are exceedingly rare, but through a combination of luck and persistence from generations of researchers, this study survived. The study found that wealth, fame, and working harder do not make people happy. Instead, having quality relationships is the single greatest driver of our happiness and health. Period. Everyone wants to be happy and free of suffering. Since quality relationships is a key driver of happiness, trying to control others (whether unconscious or not) is literally going against what we want in life. So now that we know how severe this problem is, how do we stop trying to control others? First, we must accept that we do try to control others, and we must decide to improve. Next, we need to develop a heart of kindness and a mind of humility. A heart of kindness means that we do not see ourselves as the main character of the world, but rather, we seek to benefit others. A mind of humility means we focus on the good points of others and overlook their bad points because we understand that everyone has their individual strengths and weaknesses. Humility also means we look for our weaknesses and seek to continually improve ourselves. So instead of trying to get my parent/child to be more understanding, I should be more understanding first. Instead of demanding my employees to be more hardworking, I should create work for which the employees want to work hard for, and I should be a boss that my employees respect and want to work hard for. Instead of wishing my boss would be more supportive, I should be an employee that my boss wants to praise and support. As Liao Fan once said, “If things do not go our way, it is because we have not cultivated enough virtues to move others.”

Image Source This past week has been pretty rough for me due to some family conflicts. I haven't gotten so upset or angry in a very long time. Coincidentally, two of my friends also went through a really emotional week due to relationship conflicts. Nowadays, it seems so many people are struggling in relationships, which shows how important it is for us to learn about how to have good relationships and how to resolve conflicts effectively. In the face of conflict, most of us think things like, "It's THEIR fault for ruining my mood when I was originally happy. Why are THEY so unreasonable? Why can't THEY try to understand me first instead of blaming me on false assumptions?" The more we blame others and focus on others' faults, the worse our mood becomes. The worse our mood becomes, the more we hurt others and ourselves. Self-cultivation is key to a happy life. We have to cultivate and train our virtues and emotional self-regulation. To give an analogy, If a person's immune system is strong, external viruses cannot hurt them. Similarly, if a person's self-cultivation is strong, external people and things cannot upset them. I can't change the fact that I got angry, so the best thing I can do now is to reflect and improve myself from it. I won't go into detail about what caused me to become upset because it is quite complicated, and I don’t think it is necessary for the purpose of this article. However, I will share my reflections in the hope that you can avoid my mistake. Reflection After getting angry, I felt terrible, especially given the fact that I even wrote a detailed article on 10 reasons we get angry and their solutions. But knowing is just the first step. Correcting our bad habits requires a lot of practice and persistence. I reflected on why I got angry and how I could prevent this in the future. At the core of it, I got upset because I felt wrongfully accused of being bad when I worked hard to do the right thing. Thus, I kept defending and explaining my perspective, while they kept arguing about their perspective, and we all got very upset. The irony is, before the argument escalated, I had a thought pop into my head: "You need to be humble. Don't argue." But when I felt that they completely misunderstood me, I succumbed to the strong urge to explain myself, and my tone of voice was very annoyed, which added oil to the fire. So how can I prevent this mistake in the future? Well, since I care so much about being right, I need to convince myself that defending myself is indeed wrong, and not explaining myself in the face of misunderstanding is indeed right. In fact, the more I assert I am right, the more wrong I become. How could this be? First, I am wrong for making them angry. I care about them, love them, and want them to be happy. When I calm down, this is obvious to me. But because I got overly focused on a misunderstanding, I forgot this, and I made them angry. My friend told me, "Yes, you are right about all those things. But making them angry negates all those things and still makes you wrong overall." I should also remember that I care a lot for this person, and I owe a lot of gratitude to them. Therefore, I should be trying to calm their emotions rather than trying to prove myself right. I could have said things like "You are right. Thank you for telling me." or "What can I do or say right now to ease your worries?" Saying these would prevent conflict and create harmony, and harmony is more important than logic. Second, I am wrong for focusing on logic before emotions. When people become emotional and defensive, logic gets thrown out the door. We find whatever reason, logical or illogical, to defend our biased point-of-view. Or we just say something out of anger that we don't really mean. So I am wrong for wanting to debate logic when we were both emotional. When I sensed either of us getting emotional, I should have asked to discuss later when we both feel calm or happy. Third, I am wrong for demanding them to understand me first. What other people do is outside our control. Therefore, demanding others to understand us is a sure way to unhappiness. Just like we feel they don't understand us, they also feel we don't understand them. The only solution in our control is for us to first understand them. As Confucius said, "Do not worry that others do not understand you. Instead worry that you do not understand others." Given I struggle with this, I cannot demand others to be able to do it. But if I want to have happy relationships, then I must improve on this aspect. When they see me trying to understand them, they will feel like I care about them, and then effective communication can occur. Fourth, I am wrong for letting negative emotions take over. We all just want to be happy in life, so letting negative emotions take over is never the right choice. True happiness comes from being a good person, and a good person is humble and kind. I cannot blame my negative emotions on outside circumstances or people. There are other people who would respond calmly when facing the exact same situation. I could have chosen to practice humility, patience, and kindness, but I forgot. That's on me, not them, and I need to improve there. What others do is outside my control, so I must not base my happiness on that. The only guaranteed way to be happy is to cultivate myself, to improve my humility and kindness. One of the best tests of our character is how we face unjustified criticism. Emperor Tang set a great example because he accepted incorrect criticism with humility. He said: "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to advise me in the future." Fifth, I am wrong for being arrogant. An arrogant person tells others why they are wrong, and they do it rather forcefully. A humble person views others as teachers and respectfully asks to learn their perspective rather than argue or defend one's own perspective. An arrogant attitude will naturally be reflected in our tone of voice, facial expression, and choice of words. This arrogant energy creates conflict. If I were humble, I would realize that life is not black or white; there is no absolute right. Instead of getting upset at them, it would be much more effective to be humble and learn about their perspective. Once we understand them, we often see that both our perspectives are right in their own way. Even more importantly, when they feel respected by our humility, they will calm down, and the emotional conflict will be resolved. Conclusion Bad habits like anger do not get fixed overnight. It takes courage and persistence to get back after each failure, and I am fortunate to have a wise and supportive friend to cheer me on. I hope the next time I feel upset that I am being misunderstood, I will remember: The more you assert you are right, the more wrong you become. Instead, be humble and kind, understand them first, and prioritize harmony. And I hope that you can avoid my mistake! Weekly Wisdom #222

Have you ever advised someone to do something that seems totally logical to you, but the other person won't listen? You ask them why, and they cannot give you a logical reason. What's going on here? Image Source Recently, one of my classmates talked about how her dad was having conflict with her grandma, so she advised her dad to be more tactful and less demanding when speaking towards grandma. Her dad got upset and did not listen. She then got upset at her dad for being unreasonable. My mentor asked us how we could solve this problem. You can take a moment to think of a a solution and then compare it to what my mentor said. The solution I thought of was to wait until the father is in a happier mood and then advise him again with a softer tone of voice. I got this idea from The Guide To A Happy Life, which said, "If my parents have faults, I will encourage them to improve in a warm and gentle manner. If they don’t accept my encouragement, I will try again when they are happy." My mentor then said something that I found highly insightful. He explained that perhaps her dad was unwilling to listen simply because it is quite embarrassing for a father figure to be told he's wrong by his daughter. Most fathers would hope that their daughter or son would look up to them. To extend this idea further, most of us are normal people with a sensitive ego. Therefore, it is not enough to only consider the logic of our advice; we also have to give the advice in a way that does not hurt their ego. So how can we do that? First, we need to consider if the person is above, equal, or below us. Above: parents, elders, older siblings, teachers, leaders, more experienced people Equal: classmates, colleagues, friends Below: children, younger siblings, students, followers, less experienced people Let's go through each in detail. Advising Those Above Us If the person is above us, then we should not have the attitude of "I am giving you advice." That would be rather arrogant, and the person might argue back simply because of their ego. Instead, we can say, "I have an idea that I want to check with you to see if it is good or not." For example, my classmate could have said to her father, "Hi dad. I noticed you are having some conflict with grandma recently, and I have an idea that I want to check with you to see if it is good or not. Maybe if we use a more tactful approach and avoid a demanding tone of voice, grandma might respond better? Do you think that's a good idea?" By letting the father make the decision, the father feels respected, and his ego won't feel attacked. The chances of a positive response are much higher. Advising Those Equal to Us If the person is equal to us, we need to consider how much trust we have with them. High trust means we have a great relationship with them, and they are willing to listen to our advice. In that case, we can give the advice directly and say, "I think you should…I advise you to…" But if we don't have a lot of trust in the relationship, and they are not very open to our advice, then it is best to use the "checking an idea with you" attitude. This method is more respectful and reduces the chances of conflict. Advising Those Below Us If the person is below us, we have to consider how humble and open-to-feedback they are. If the person is very humble and open-to-feedback, then we can give the advice very directly. But many people have a sensitive ego and dislike being told that they are wrong. Or sometimes, children feel like their parents always nag at them, so they refuse to listen simply because they have a bad impression of their parents. If they have a sensitive ego or are rebellious to elders, then elders should not have the attitude of "I am giving you important advice." That might make them feel pressured and disrespected, like you are bossing them around, which then causes resistance and conflict. Instead, elders can say, "I have an idea that you could consider, and we can discuss it together." For example, let's say you want your younger sister to eat less junk food. If you criticize her with a harsh tone of voice, she might not listen to you or even argue with you because you hurt her ego. Instead, you could say, "Recently I've been thinking about something that might be worth it for you to consider. I think health is really important because if we get ill, we will be in a lot of pain and we cannot do the important things we want in life. Food is such a big part of health, and I think it is important to eat less junk food and more healthy food. I don't know if this is something you might consider or want to discuss?" It is very important for us to not be demanding or impatient for them to listen to us. The more demanding and impatient we are, the more they will feel pressured and unhappy, and the more they will resist. We all like people who make us feel cared for and respected, and we listen to those people. No one likes people who make us feel bad, and we usually don't listen to those people. My Experience Advising Those Above Next school semester, I am teaching one online class. The class has 10 students, and 1 student will be attending in-person. Now that COVID is less serious, the principal wants all teachers to return to school, but I am a special case because I specifically teach online, so I sent an email to my principal to request to teach at home. At first, I wrote, "Since I am an online teacher, and 9 out of my 10 students are online, can I teach from home?" Although my message wasn't disrespectful or unreasonable, I felt that it was still a bit arrogant, like I am making a demand. So I reworded it to be more humble: "Thank you and the school for giving me the opportunity to teach these online courses every semester. I was thinking that since 9 out of my 10 students are online, it might be a more effective use of my time to teach from home. I could use the two hours of commute time saved to mark homework. If that one student wants to meet with me, we could make an appointment for me to go to school. Do you think that's okay?" My principal replied, "Sure, I understand your situation, no problem." Advising Those Equal Recently, I observed a fellow teacher teaching English to some students. I wasn't there to give feedback, but I noticed some important mistakes that he was most likely unaware of, and if he fixes these simple mistakes, his teaching would be much more effective, and his students would be happier in class. Hence, I decided to advise him afterwards. Although I am not that close with him, I get the feeling that he is a rather humble person, so I asked, "Hey, after watching you teach just now, I had some ideas that might be helpful to you if you want to hear them?" He replied, "Oh yes, please share." At this point, I was still cautious. After all, if someone says they have some advice for me, I would feel pressured to hear them; Otherwise, I would seem arrogant (the ego is such a problem isn't it?). So I lightly eased into my advice, saying, "Well, I think you are clearly a very caring and hardworking teacher. I can tell you prepared a lot for the lesson. I just happened to notice that when a student gives an answer, you tend to echo their answer back to them when they pause for a while in the middle of their answer. I used to do that too, and then another teacher told me that it's a bad habit because we are interrupting their thought pattern. They will think 'Oh, the teacher is speaking now. I can stop.' But then we stop, so then they think, 'Oh, I need to keep talking. Where was I again?' This can be frustrating for the student, so not echoing might be something you could try in the future." He was very appreciative of the advice, and I don't think his ego was offended. Advising Those Below As a teacher, I often give advice to students. The really conscientious and respectful students are easy to advise. You tell them to do something, and they will go do it and report the results. But these students are rather rare. A lot of students don't listen despite hearing the same advice multiple times. Then, the situation gets delicate because they might start disliking the teacher for being naggy. For example, I had a student who submitted her homework on time in the beginning of the semester, but later, she kept forgetting to submit homework. I asked her why. She said she is quite busy and sometimes her internet has problems. I told her, "OK, if you cannot submit your homework, please at least message me before class to show your respect towards the teacher. I am not demanding you to respect me, but rather I want you to nurture a respectful mind towards matters. That is very important to your future success." She said, "OK." But later, she kept forgetting again. I realized I can't just keep nagging at her. We need to actually have a thoughtful conversation about the issue. So I set up a meeting with her. I asked her, "Do you remember why I keep asking you to notify me before class if you cannot submit your homework?" She said, "Respect." I asked, "Do you know why I emphasize respect?" She said, "Nope." In my mind, I was thinking, "What! You forgot what I told you?! OK calm down…that's pretty normal. Don't get angry at people. That's not nice." I replied, "OK, let's talk about it. Do you like people who respect you or disrespect you?" She said, "Those who respect me." I asked, "Are you more likely to help people who respect you or who disrespect you?" She said, "People who respect me." I said, "The way I see it, we all need other people's help to be successful in life. In school, you need the help of your teachers and classmates. At home, you need the help of your family. In the future, you need the help of your boss and colleagues. Therefore, cultivating respect is really important. What do you think?" She nodded and said, "Yes, respect is pretty important." I said, "OK, I just want to make it clear that I am not forcing you to do anything. Please update me because YOU want to cultivate a respectful attitude, not because you feel pressured by me. Also, we are all normal people with habits, so you will probably forget again in the future. How could you prevent yourself from forgetting? She said, "I guess I could set a reminder on my phone?" I replied, "Good idea. I also know some past students who set rewards and punishments for themselves. For example, they would do extra chores if they forget, and if they remembered for a week in a row, they get to eat at their favorite restaurant." She said, "Oh that sounds like a good idea. If I forget, I can wash more dishes at home. If I remember for a week in a row, I can eat my favorite food." I said, "Great idea! I am here to support you, so if you encounter difficulties later, we can discuss further." This conversation took a good 15 minutes, but it was much more effective than my previous attempts of simply ordering her. Later, she sometimes submitted homework, sometimes forgot, but when she forgot, she notified me and also told me she did the dishes. I was happy to see her improve her respect. Conclusion Advising others is probably one of the most difficult but important things in life. Being good at giving advice means others will be receptive and appreciative towards us. Being bad at giving advice creates conflict and suffering. A really important aspect of giving advice is to be sensitive towards their ego. Don't make them feel embarrassed or pressured. We should give advice differently based on the relationship dynamics: For those above us, we should use the attitude of "reporting an idea for approval" For those on the same level as us, we can give them advice directly if they trust us. Otherwise, we should use the same cautious attitude as advising elders. For those below us, if they are humble, we can give the advice directly. Otherwise, we should offer it as a suggestion and discuss it with them. We should not demand or pressure them; otherwise, they might get upset at our lack of empathy and rebel against us. Interested in other aspects of giving advice? I recommend reading this article on the three traits of effective leaders (lead by example, show genuine care, patiently teach.) Weekly Wisdom #217 P.S. Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate it! 🎄 Wishing you lots of good cheer, happy relationships, and effective advising 😉

Introduction to Personality Your personality is the combination of your personality traits that lead to the way you think and act. There are many personality traits, and different personality tests measure different traits. Personality tests are basically surveys that ask you many questions. Then they give you a result telling you which personality type you are. Different tests have different personality groups. The three most useful personality tests I've used are DISC, Four Tendencies, and 16 Personalities. This article will focus on DISC. Why is it important to understand people’s personalities? Imagine you are listening to two computer programs argue. Excel complains that PowerPoint isn’t analytical enough. PowerPoint complains that excel isn’t visual enough. What would you think? That’s ridiculous. Excel is MADE to be an analytical program. PowerPoint is MADE to be a visual program. There’s no reason for them to argue and make those demands from each other. The same can be said with personality. There are two main reasons why knowing people’s personality is useful: 1. You know their objective strengths and weaknesses 2. You know how to create synergy with them Reason 1: Knowing People’s Strengths and Weaknesses First, personality tells you your objective strengths and weaknesses. Most people don’t know their strengths and weaknesses. They might have some guesses, but they don’t KNOW with 100% certainty. Or maybe they know 1 or 2 strengths and weaknesses, but we have a lot more than just 1 or 2 strengths and weaknesses. Doing the three personality tests from this course will tell you, in detail, all your strengths and all your weaknesses. Successful people focus on their strengths. They put 80%, 90%, or even 95% of their time and energy doing things that match their strengths. For their weaknesses, they patch them up to the point where it’s not a problem. For example, if your personality tells you that logic and analysis is your strength, and sensing people’s feelings is your weakness, then you know you shouldn’t be a therapist. That being said, it’s important to improve on your weakness to the point that it isn’t causing big problems for you in life. Reason 2: Creating Synergy Second, personality helps you understand other people who are different from you. That understanding helps create harmony and synergies. Synergy is when two people can create more than adding up what they create alone. In other words, 1+1 = 3. The mistake people make is that they assume people should be like them. They get annoyed at people for not being as _(logical, caring, open, etc.)__ as them. If they understood that people have different personalities, then they wouldn’t make those demands on others. For example, let’s say John likes to make plans and Mary likes to be spontaneous. If they didn’t learn about personality, then John gets angry at Marky for never making plans. Mary gets angry at John for being so inflexible and unopen. This conflict is a personality conflict. Personality conflicts arise because the two people don’t appreciate each other’s different strengths and weaknesses, and that ‘s because they don’t even KNOW that different people have different strengths and weaknesses. If they understood and appreciated each other’s personalities, then they wouldn’t get annoyed at each other. John would do the plans, and Mary would deal with unforeseen changes to the plans as they are carrying out the plan. They use their different strengths to cover up each other’s different weaknesses. That’s synergy. Now that we’ve mentioned the usefulness of personality, let’s talk about a simple personality test: DISC. DISC Personality Test DISC stands for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness. This personality test looks at two traits: how we interact with people and how we interact with work. You can take a formal test here, or you can simply answer these two questions: When you are with people, are you more outgoing or reserved? When you are doing a team project, are you more task-focused or people-focused? Based on your answer to those two questions, you will belong to 1 of 4 personality groups. Each group has different strengths and weaknesses. The group directly opposite of you is the group you're most likely to have conflicts with because their strengths are your weaknesses. For example, D-Types are likely to have conflicts with S-Types, and C-Types are likely to have conflicts with I-Types. But if you are aware of this, then you can change your attitude to focus on your strengths and appreciate other people's different strengths. D-Types D-Type means Dominance-Type. These people are outgoing and task-focused. They are demanding, decisive, and doers. Their main strength is that they get things done quickly. Their weaknesses are that they can be stubborn when giving opinions and they can miss details when getting things done quickly. Notice that in the picture, D is farthest from S, so the biggest weakness for D-types is group harmony, which is the strength of S-types. I-Types I-Type means Influence-Type. These people are outgoing and people-focused. They are inspiring, influential, and ideators. Their main strengths are talking and giving ideas. One of their weaknesses is that they tend to be slow to do what they say they will do. Also, I is farthest from C, so the biggest weakness for I-types is attention-to-detail, which is the strength of C-types. S-Types S-Type means Steady-Type. These people are reserved and people-focused. They are supportive and sensitive to people’s feelings. Their main strength is maintaining harmony with people, and they can yield to others. S is farthest away from D, so the main weakness for S-types is that they are slow to get things done, and it’s hard for them to make tough choices. C-Types C-Type means Conscientious-Type. These people are reserved and task-focused. They are conscientious (detail-oriented), careful, and competent. Their main strength is attention-to-detail. C is farthest from I, so the weaknesses for C-types are coming up with lots of ideas and socializing. How Common is Each Type? Here is the percentage split according to the Extended DISC 2019 Validation Study: Image Source Note that different countries will have differences. For example, the most common type in Germany is I-Type; for Brazil, it is C-Type. How I've used DISC in my Life With my leader One time, my school’s headmaster asked me to make a course, and he gave me some high-level requirements but no specific details or actions. I figured out that my organization’s leader is an I-Type. He has big ideas and he’s very convincing when he talks, but he doesn’t go through the details about how it can actually get done. I'm a C-type that leans towards D-type, so I tend to focus on details and actions. If I didn’t know about DISC, I probably would’ve tried to talk about details with him because it’s natural for us to communicate in the way that we are strong at. Fortunately, I knew about DISC, so I didn’t bother discussing the details with him. I also knew that my strength lies in figuring out the details, so I simply told him, “That sounds great. I’ll figure it out.” Examples of using DISC from my students I once put a group of three students together, and they were all A-level students. But they missed the rough copy submission deadline, and on their group report, they didn’t follow the assignment instructions. I was shocked. Then I checked their DISC (yes, I have the DISC profile of each student), and all three were I-types. I told them, if you guys had told each other what your DISC type was at the beginning, you could’ve identified that you’re all I-types, which means you all have the same weakness: attention-to-detail. Just by knowing that, you could’ve taken extra care to overcome those weaknesses by writing down the deadlines and making a checklist for all the things you need to submit. Another time, a student got very upset that her partner did his work in a very non-caring way. Based on what I know about these two students, I think the girl is a C-type and the boy is a D-type (who also happens to do things last-minute). C-types often get upset at others for their lack of attention-to-detail. The other team members didn’t get upset because they weren't C-types. By simply knowing about DISC, we can adjust our expectations for others (and ourselves) to be aligned with people’s strengths and weaknesses. Conclusion In this lesson, we looked at the importance of and usefulness of personality. We also looked at a very simple personality test: DISC. From this test, we can see that different personalities naturally have different strengths and weaknesses. We can use DISC to improve our communication with others, have more harmony in teams (by appreciating everyone's different strengths), and choose work that matches our strengths. In the future, we will look at The Four Tendencies and 16 Personalities.

Once upon a time, a king wanted to see if there were any outstanding citizens in his country. He decided to place a boulder on a road. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Some people even loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then, a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. Commentary: How often do we complain about others behind their back? How often do we complain about things without providing a solution? We will inevitably encounter obstacles in life. Complaining doesn't help. Take action to do what you can do to be a part of the solution.

Image Source: Unsplash In the Sui Dynasty, there was a scholar named Xin Gong Yi (辛公义). His name literally means “Fairness and Integrity”, and he worked hard to live up to those aspirations from his parents. Once, he was traveling through Minzhou, and he saw sick people out on the streets with no one to take care of them. He found out that the Minzhou people had a custom where if a family member caught a disease, they would abandon that person out on the streets. Xin Gong Yi was extremely saddened to see these people completely lose their sense of filial piety and integrity. Hence, he took initiative to bring all these sick people to the government office, where he looked after them as if they were his own family. He also found many doctors to come and treat their illnesses. Once these sick people were healed, Xin Gong Yi then found their family members and had them come pick up their family members. He told them, “I’ve been with your family members for all these weeks, and I’m healthy. Surely you would have been fine too.” Upon seeing Xin Gong Yi’s virtuous example, the villagers felt very ashamed of themselves, and they changed their ways to become more filial and loving. As a result of Xing Gong Yi’s influence on them, they bestowed him the title of “Compassionate Mother”.

President Fox of Mexico garnered the respect of his citizens due to his sincerity and trustworthiness. These two words were his life's guiding principles. As a result, he went from being an ordinary salesperson to being the country's president. Once, President Fox was invited to speak at a university. A student asked him, "Political platforms have always been full of deceit. During your time in office, have you ever lied?" Fox replied, "No, never." The students in the audience all whispered amongst themselves, and some even smirked. They knew politicians always assert their innocence and vow that they are not liars. Fox did not take offence. He said to the students: "In our society, it might be hard for me to prove that I am a sincere person, but you should believe that this world still has sincere people. They are all around us. Let me tell you a story. Perhaps you might forget this story soon after, but it has an important lesson for us. There was once a father who was a farmer. One day, he looked at the pavilion on his field and felt it was too old and broken. A Pavilion (Image Source) Hence, he arranged for some workers to come and remove it. His son was very interested to see the workers tear down the pavilion, so he said to his father: 'Dad, I want to watch the workers tear down this pavilion. Can you wait until I return home from boarding school for holiday to remove the pavilion?' His dad agreed. However, after the son left home, the workers soon came to remove the pavilion. When the son came home for holiday, he saw that the old pavilion had already been removed. He sulkily said to his father, 'Dad, you lied to me!' The father looked at his son with surprise. The son continued, 'You promised that you would wait until I came home from boarding school to take down the pavilion." The father replied, 'You're right son, I made a mistake. Let me keep my promise.' The father got the workers to re-make a pavilion similar to the old one in the old place. Afterwards, he brought his son over and said to the workers, 'Now, please tear down this pavilion.'" President Fox said, "I know this father. He was not wealthy at all, but he kept his promise to his son." After hearing this story, a student in the audience asked, "What is the name of this father? We want to meet him." President Fox replied, "He already passed away, but his son is still alive." The student said, "Where is his son? He must be a very honest and trustworthy person." President Fox said, "His son is currently standing right here in front of you, Mexico's President Fox." President Vincent Fox (Image Source) He added, "I want to tell everyone that I will treat the country and every citizen the same way my father treated me." The audience gave a roaring applause in response. (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction) Commentary We've probably all made the mistake of forgetting to keep a promise. Oftentimes, people will find an excuse. "Oh I was busy…Oh I was going to do it, but then something came up… Oh I forgot…" What makes this father so admirable is that he did not make any excuses. He took responsibility for his mistake and promptly corrected it. Hence, he improved his moral character from his mistake. Not only him, but his son also benefited greatly from his role modeling. Not only his son, but the whole country later benefited. We would do well to learn from this father's role modeling and correct our mistakes without making excuses. I talk about my experience doing that in this article. Essentially, I practiced doing the opposite good to make up for my faults. For example, I used to criticize a lot, then I changed to praising others. I used to complain a lot, then I changed to being grateful. Improved behavior is the best apology. Moreover, we should not underestimate the impact we can have on the world. If we can positively influence one person, that person will influence more people, those people will influence even more people. But regardless of how many people get influenced in the future, the most important thing is that we have a clear conscience because we always do our best to be a good person. Weekly Wisdom #220

Image Source It's been a long time since I wrote a poem! Just kidding, I don't know how to write poems. I'm actually just translating another verse from Lao Tzu's Dao De Jing, but I did try to make the translation sound poetic! If I had to name this poem, I would call it, "Seek Contentment Not Indulgence." Excessive sights blind the eyes. Excessive sounds deafen the ears. Excessive flavors numb the tongue. The thrill of hunting makes the mind reckless. The rarity of treasures harms people's goodness. Hence, the sage seeks contentment not indulgence; Thus, eliminates the later and cultivates the former. Original Text: 五色令人目盲；五音令人耳聾；五味令人口爽；馳騁田獵，令人心發狂；難得之貨，令人行妨。是以聖人為腹不為目，故去彼取此。 Source: Dao De Jing, Chapter 34 Commentary: In our materially rich world, seeking sensory stimulation and sensory highs has become so common. Excessive visual stimulation, such as binge watching TV all day, can hurt the eyes. Excessive auditory stimulation, such as going to a rock concert, can hurt the ears. Excessive flavoring can numb our taste buds, requiring ever more flavoring in the future to feel the same level of taste. Excessive mental stimulation, or thrill seeking, makes our minds reckless. We lose common sense and are likely to do things that hurt us, hurt others, or both. For example, people who indulge in drugs will hurt their brain, and when they get drunk or high, they might do irrational or careless things that end up hurting others. People who do extreme sports have a much higher risk of accidentally killing themselves. When people encounter rare and precious things or opportunities, they might become selfish and lose their virtues, doing all they can to grab that object or opportunity for themselves, regardless of what harm it might cause to others. Virtues like kindness, humility, and wisdom are what make humans admirable and superior to animals. Is it not shameful to only care about one's own desires at the harm of other people? Given how harmful indulgence is, the wise sage cultivates contentment and guards against indulgence. Contentment Comes From The Middle Way The Middle Way means using the right thing, in the right way, in the right amount; not too much, not too little, just right. For example, when cooking a dish, we don't just use any random flavorings, we use the flavorings most suited for that recipe. We also don't put a random amount of flavorings, we put the right amount so that the flavor is not too strong, not too weak. Similarly, when seeking mental stimulation, we should seek it from proper and healthy sources, such as good literature, soothing music, uplifting conversations. But even these good things must be done in appropriate amounts. Too little has no effect; Too much is counter-productive. The Deception of Indulgence Perhaps some people might argue, "But it is so pleasurable to indulge! What's the point of living if I can't let myself indulge once in a while?" First, I would ask, "Would you accept $10 from me today if you had to pay $20 back to me tomorrow?" Similarly, you might get temporary pleasure from indulgence, but the amount of suffering you have to pay later is much more. The craving for that high again is suffering. The inability to reach that high with the same amount of substance is more suffering. Sensory highs are too short-lived to be worth it. Contentment, on the other hand, is a long-lasting good feeling without any suffering attached. Second, I would ask, "When you indulge, are you the master of yourself, or are you a slave to your indulgence?" Indulgence leads to harm. What kind of master would harm themselves? It is slaves that get harmed by a cruel master. Is it not shameful to let ourselves be a slave to a cruel master named indulgence? Some people are able to cut off addictions right away. Others need to do it slowly. Each person needs to find the method best for them. For example, I used to play a lot of video games. At first, I cut back on video games by spending more time on reading self-developing books. After a certain point, I cut off completely because I know there is no benefit to playing video games. I also used to eat a lot of unhealthy sweets. I then switched to healthy sweets like dried fruits. These have health benefits as long as they are not eaten in excess, so I still eat them now, just in appropriate amounts. Conclusion Do you indulge in anything in excess? If so, how can you become your own master again and cultivate contentment? Weekly Wisdom #219