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There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Image Source: ChaptGPT In this article, I will share some communication principles that I’ve learned becomes a lot smoother, and the feeling of understanding and warmth we get from good communication is The first principle requires us to organize and correct our thoughts and intentions before communicating in the best way possible and follow all the other communication principles. Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result

If we have the intention to understand and respect them, we would naturally soften up and patiently communicate We would really try to understand them first, and then patiently communicate our concerns and try to Effective communication is more about the intention we have and less about the techniques we use. Nor should we view communication as a trade where if we listen for 10 minutes, they should then give As a result, our communication always led to more conflict, and we didn't want to communicate anymore

Image Source: 1 , 2 There were two couples who were neighbors living across from each other. One couple had arguments and conflict every day. The other couple lived very harmoniously. As time went on, the conflicting couple got tired and frustrated with always arguing, and they envied their harmonious neighbors. One day, the wife from the conflicting couple decided to ask the wife from the harmonious couple what their secret to harmony was. The harmonious wife said, " Oh, simple. In your house, you're all good people. In our house, we're all bad people. " The conflicting wife was bewildered and said, " I don't understand. " The harmonious wife explained, "For example, let's say you put a cup on the table. Your husband accidentally knocks it over and it breaks. You believe that you are right and good in this matter, so you criticize him: ' What's wrong with you? How could you be so careless?' Your husband also believes he is the good guy, so he criticizes you back: ' What's wrong with you ? You shouldn't put the cup so close to the edge of the table! ' But in my house, everyone is a bad guy. If my husband accidentally knocks a cup over, I would say, 'I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have put that cup so close to the edge of the table. It's my fault.' Then my husband would say, 'No it's my fault for being careless while walking. I'm sorry.' Then we happily clean up the mess together." Commentary There is a Chinese saying that goes, "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (賢人爭罪。愚人爭理。) From this story, we can see how the more we try to put the blame on others, the more conflict we create. But when we are humble and take the blame, the conflict is resolved. Wanting others to take the blame is a sure recipe for unhappiness because everyone has an ego. Besides, we cannot control other people's behavior, we can only control ourselves. Moreover, the way we treat others is how others will treat us back. So if we always blame others, others will naturally blame us back. But if we always apologize and respect others, others will also apologize and respect us back. As Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (愛人者人恆愛之，敬人者人恆敬之。) I remember hearing this and thinking, " But when I try to be patient and understanding to that person, they don't return the kindness! Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me nice back. But for someone that I have had conflict with for a long time, we have a negative relationship bank balance. Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance back to positive. We have to accumulate over time by apologizing for our past mistakes and doing kind deeds. The more sincere we are, the faster the accumulation. Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

like she often criticizes me, now, I can see that she is simply worried about me, and I can patiently communicate In fact, I communicate a lot more proactively to prevent her worries. As a result, he didn't feel any opposition towards his father anymore, and so he could communicate openly Before, he felt nothing was getting through in their communication. After the shift in mentality, their communication became much smoother.

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 During the Spring Autumn period (771-476 BCE) of China's history, many small countries were at war with each other. One country was named Wu, and the King of Wu was eager to expand his territory and power. He saw an opportunity to invade a neighboring country, the country of Chu, and was keen to seize the opportunity. However, his ministers advised him against it, saying that if we send our troops out to invade Chu, other countries might seize the opportunity to invade us in our defenseless state. However, the King of Wu didn't listen. In fact, he got angry and said any coward that obstructs him will be sentenced to death. With this, no one dared to speak up about the matter again. There was a child in the palace who was very concerned about this matter. He didn't want to see his country perish, and he thought long and hard about how to admonish this stubborn king. Finally, he thought of an idea. Every morning, he went to the palace's garden with his slingshot. He then crouched below a tree and stared upwards at the branches, looking for a target. He stayed there for the whole morning. On the third day, since the King of Wu was in a bad mood because none of his ministers supported his decision, he went for a walk in the garden. When he saw this child crouching below the tree, aiming a slingshot, he came over and asked, "Hey kid, what are you doing?" The child said, "Your highness, I'm preparing for something extremely interesting!" The king said, "Oh? And what's that?" The child continued, "There's a cicada on that tree branch, happily singing its song. But it doesn't know that there's a mantis lurking behind, about to use its claws to capture the cicada. Moreover, the mantis doesn't know that there's a bird creeping behind, about to eat the mantis." The king said, "That's an interesting scene indeed." The child said, "But there's more! The bird doesn't realize that I'm down here, and just when the bird is distracted with eating the mantis, I can shoot it down! The mantis and bird are all too caught up in the immediate temptation in front of them that they can't see the broader danger lurking behind." The king suddenly realized why his ministers were so strongly opposed to his decision, and not wanting to be like the bird or mantis, he decided to call off the invasion. (Story Sources: 1, 2) Commentary There's a Chinese idiom that goes, "the mantis hunting the cicada", and it refers to this story. It describes people who are too tunnel-visioned into the temptation in front of them that they cannot see the broader dangers. It is fortunate that the King of Wu was able to realize his own mistake from the child's tactful advice; Otherwise, his greed and arrogance could have brought destruction to his country and citizens. This story is a great illustration of this quote: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also the effects on the greater whole." —Liao Fan's Four Lessons Although our situations are different from the King of Wu, we all need to guard against tunnel-visioning and arrogance. Wise people are humble. Wise people see the bigger picture and the long-term view. Wise people objectively consider other people's advice. Wise people give advice in a tactful manner that doesn't make the receiver feel disrespected. How could we be more wise today? Weekly Wisdom #275

Recently in a class meeting, my mentor criticized me for not responding to his messages, so he didn't know if I received them or not, and that if I do this to others, they might think I take their help for granted. I promptly said, "Oh I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel ignored. I think I must've misunderstood you before, because I remember you said to us in a previous meeting that we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat. So I interpreted it as we should reduce the amount of messages we send to you. But now I know that we should still send a message of acknowledgement."   After the meeting, I remembered one of my mentor's teachings: "If someone criticizes you, you shouldn't explain yourself on the spot. Otherwise, it's clear you have a big ego, and people won't bother telling you your problems in the future. Then you'll be walking a dangerous path. If their criticism is accurate, then acknowledge your fault and fix it. If their criticism is inaccurate, then simply thank them for their criticism and guard against it in the future. No need to explain yourself."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 I thought back to the meeting and wondered, "Did I make the mistake of explaining myself to my mentor's criticism?"   I then sent a message to my mentor: "I thought back to the meeting yesterday, and I wonder if I made the mistake of explaining myself in the face of criticism? I certainly didn't have any intention to argue. I acknowledged my fault and apologized first. And then I wanted to report that I realized where my thinking went wrong as a way to check with you that my thinking is now correct. Does this count as 'explaining oneself in the face of criticism'?   Also, what exactly did you mean before when you said 'we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat'? I thought that meant we don't always need to say 'Got it, thanks', but now I can't think of any situation in which we don't need to reply to the other person's message.   Thank you for your time and guidance."   My mentor replied, "You can ask your colleague Bob for his thoughts first."   I then asked my colleague, and he told me, " If our superior criticizes us and we explain ourselves on the spot, regardless of our intention, others might think we are indignant and arguing. Unless our superior asked us why we did what we did, we shouldn't explain ourselves. As for the message part, I wonder if you misheard? Maybe he said in a meeting, don't try to be the last person to speak? Or maybe he was referring to group chats?"   I replied, "Oh I get it now! OK I'll know for the future. Unless others ask me to explain myself, I shouldn't take initiative to explain myself. As for the second question, I remember quite clearly that the context was for private chats, specifically with him, not group chats or meetings."   He said, "Oh, I kind of remember now. I think he was saying that if he sends a message, then we reply 'Got it, thank you', then sometimes he might reply a sticker or emoji. In that case, we don't need to reply another sticker or emoji."   I replied, "Oh that makes sense! OK I'll double check with him and get back to you."   My mentor said, "Yes, you two got it. Good job."   Further Reflections In my observation, nearly everyone naturally explains themselves in the face of criticism and misunderstanding. After all, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be misunderstood, so we want to clear up that misunderstanding to feel better. But here's the kicker: How often does explaining ourselves immediately actually result in us feeling better or actually helps the situation?   In my observation, it seems that explaining ourselves immediately usually makes the situation worse rather than better. Why? Because when we desire to explain ourselves, our mood is that of upset, hurt, annoyance, and anger. The energy we give is the energy we attract , so when we speak with this kind of negative energy, we will attract similar energy from the other person.   When we explain ourselves because we feel misunderstood, we are not telling them, "Yes, you are right, I understand you ." If we do that, then there'd be no conflict. When we explain ourselves, we are indirectly telling them, "No, you are wrong. You have bad judgment and bad observation abilities. You shouldn't have said what you said."   But think about it: for them to have that "incorrect view" towards us, surely, we must've done something to give them that impression. Oftentimes, we are unaware that our actions repeatedly left a negative impression in others' eyes. Then when they finally voice it to us, we feel surprised and argue back. But their behavior is not unfounded, so we should not get annoyed at them for being "unreasonable". If we were truly humble and considerate, we'd apologize for causing them trouble and unhappiness rather than explain ourselves, which is really just an indirect way of arguing.   In my case, when I explained myself to my mentor, I felt like my intention was to clear up a misunderstanding and confirm that I understood his words. That is certainly true, but is it the whole truth? If I dig deeper, is there an aspect of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility? This is where the ego starts resisting deeper reflection because the ego hates being wrong, blamed, or criticized. The ego is responsible for all our suffering and relationship conflicts, so we have to overcome the ego and not deceive ourselves. Indeed, there must be some percentage of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility; Otherwise, I would simply say, "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages to acknowledge that I received them."   Although I was unclear about why my mentor said "Don't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , I didn't have to bring it up right away. If I deeply felt bad for making my mentor feel disrespected, or I was deeply grateful for my mentor's advice, I wouldn't be in the mood to say, "But you said try not to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , because I wouldn’t want to risk him thinking I am pushing blame onto him. I would just ask him about it later.   So why didn't I have this sense back then? Because my ego is still too sensitive. When my ego is hurt, all I can think of is my own feelings, resulting in the lack of ability to be considerate towards how others feel and how others might interpret my actions. Therefore, the matter of "not explaining ourselves right away in the face of criticism" isn't simply forcing ourselves to not explain ourselves right away (though this is certainly necessary). At a deeper level, it's about dampening the ego and cultivating humility and consideration towards others.   I remember in the book Teamwork 101,  leadership expert John Maxwell said that the most important factor to team success is harmony. There's also a Chinese idiom that goes, "When the family is harmonious, everything else flourishes."   If we want our life to flourish, we have to build harmony with others, and for that, we must cultivate our humility and kindness (consideration towards others' feelings). If you criticize a humble person, he'd apologize and accept your criticism. If you criticize a considerate person, she'd apologize for causing you trouble and promise to do better in the future. How could a conflict possibly start with a humble and considerate person?   As long as one person is humble and considerate, there's no way for a conflict to start. Whether or not the other person can be that humble and considerate person is out of our control, and frankly speaking, demanding others is a big cause of suffering for ourselves. We want to improve ourselves, and it's already so hard to practice, let alone other people who may not yet see the importance of cultivating virtues. The only option then, is to cultivate humility and kindness ourselves, to give others understanding rather than demand them to give it to us, and to view others' criticisms and misunderstandings as training to elevate our virtues. Whoever puts in such efforts will enjoy the sweet rewards of harmony and prosperity. Concluding Thoughts Do you have the desire to explain yourself right away in the face of criticisms and misunderstandings? Do you reply to others' messages in a timely manner? Weekly Wisdom #315

I told grandma about my idea, and this indirectly communicated to her that she bought too many strawberries

Increased productivity (bad communication wastes time; doing the wrong work wastes time) Trust (people This is a bad habit that hinders us from effective communication.

The Four Methods of Guidance are Giving, Loving Words, Beneficial Action, and Activities in Common. Giving — Gifts Loving Words — Words of Affirmation Beneficial Action — Acts of Service Activities in Common Activities in Common is similar to Quality Time in the Five Love Languages; it's about joining them in That way they feel that you have commonalities. For Activities in Common , I learn about their interests and see where we have commonalities to chat

If you were Yanzi, how would you communicate the people's misery to the Duke? In the first pause, I would've told the people, "Don't worry, I'll communicate with the Duke for you. I will communicate with the Duke for you,"  then he would be deepening the opposition between the people I communicated with the Duke on your behalf, and the Duke agreed to let you guys return home!"   We have to know how to communicate and navigate relationships tactfully.