It's the end of another year! Like many people, I am spending these last few days reflecting on how my year went. In 2021, I reflected on three key learnings: consciously give more praise, reflect on myself from other people's faults, and use a to-be checklist every day. I can happily say that I've kept up those three things in 2022. This year, I reflected on five big lessons: The problem isn't the external world or other people. The problem is inside my mind. The mark of a cultivated person is the ability to control your own emotions Be a role model, not a people pleaser Judge yourself on doing the best to make the right decision, not on the outcome Follow the Middle Way Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 1: The problem isn't the external world or other people. The problem is inside my mind. We all encounter problems and unhappiness in life. Like most people, I've always been focused on changing my external circumstances or other people to "solve" my problems. This past year, I've been studying ancient philosophies (i.e., Buddhism, Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism), and I was astonished to see that all ancient sages said the same thing: the problem is not outside, the problem is inside my mind. The Buddha said, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." In the Sutra on the Ten Virtuous Karmas, the Buddha explained that if we correct our incorrect views, then we will not fall in the face of any difficulty. We will also gain "true virtuous joy" and "true virtuous friends." Hence, Buddhism is all about using the Enlightened Mind. The Daoist sage Lao Tzu said, "The supreme good is like water. Water benefits all things without conflict." If you think about it, water does not fight or resist anything. When water in a river meets a rock, it simply flows around the rock. When you put water into a container, water takes on the shape of that container. Rather than trying to change external factors, water simply adapts to it. The Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Every rational person can convert any obstacle into the raw material for their own purpose." Instead of resisting and complaining about our situation, we can use our rational mind to convert that obstacle into fuel for our success and self-improvement. This is just like how a blacksmith can use his hammer (rational mind) to shape metal (the situation) into useful tools (for our own purpose). Confucius said, "The way of a Superior Person is like archery: if you miss the target, reflect on yourself." In other words, if things are not going according to your hopes, don't blame the bow or the arrow or the wind. Blame your own archery skills for not being good enough. Blame your mind for not being focused enough. When we focus on what's in our control, we can then take productive action. There were many times when I encountered difficulties and conflict this past year, which I wrote about in the article Upgrade Your Thinking. Before, I would complain and argue with people. This year, I reminded myself, "Encountering difficulties and conflict is normal. The important thing is, am I going to fall or rise from this situation? If I resist and complain about it, I will fall. If I can accept it, find a way to flow around it, find a way to use it productively, find a way to improve my virtues from it, then I will rise and gain joy." 2: The mark of a cultivated person is the ability to control your own emotions Studying philosophy isn't just for fun, nor is it for showing off. It's for self-cultivation, and one of the most tangible benefits is better emotional control. We feel less negative emotions and more positive emotions. Emotional intelligence is a popular concept now, and I would say that studying philosophy improves our emotional intelligence and emotional self-regulation. My mentor told me, "If you are learning philosophy, then you should be able to remain calm, careful, and kind when others are emotional, flustered, and angry." This past year, I did some training: Annoyed to Careful: When I had really painful canker sores, to the point that eating was painful, I trained myself to not have a bad temper towards others Arrogance to Humility: When others misunderstand me or unfairly criticize me, I trained myself to not argue and instead thank them for advising me Impatience to Calm: When I am in a rush, I remind myself that slow is smooth, smooth is fast. If I can't do the small stuff carefully, I won't do the big stuff carefully. Tense to Relaxed: When I really want or really don't want something, I remind myself to not be too attached. I am not the ruler of the universe. I just need to go with the flow and make the best of everything. Upset to Kind: When others behave unreasonably, I remind myself to focus on being a good person myself rather than demanding them to be a good person. I also remind myself of karma. They are treating me badly right now because I treated people badly in the past. But if I treat them well now, then in the future, people will treat me well. What I give out to the universe, the universe will eventually give back to me (is called the Law of Attraction in quantum physics). I describe my emotional training in more detail in these two blog articles: My 21-Day No Complaint Challenge and 10 Reasons We Get Angry and Their Solutions. This kind of training is not easy, and I still have a long way to go. However, each incremental improvement is extremely satisfying and truly improves my quality of life. 3: Be a role model, not a people pleaser Like many people, when I make decisions, I often worry about how others will judge me. For example, should I wear this or that? Should I go to that event? Should I accept this responsibility? When we make our choices to seek other people's approval, we are setting ourselves up for suffering. Firstly, people's expectations are often unreasonable because they don't understand our situation. They might think it is very easy for us to do something when in fact it is quite a hassle. Or they have different values from us. Secondly, regardless of whether or not we meet their expectations, we already feel empty inside. If we felt full and confident about who we are and what we stand for, we wouldn't seek others' approval. We would be happy regardless of what others' think. Just to be clear, there is a difference between people-pleasing and being considerate of others feelings. People-pleasing is self-focused and makes us feel worried. Being considerate of others is others-focused and makes us feel good because helping others is a good thing to do. So how can we improve our self-confidence and reduce the urge to please others? A great way is to try to be a role model for the people around us. Confucius said, "When sages do anything, they seek to improve the social norms, teaching the people to be good and virtuous." For example, in my class, some classmates dress very casually during a presentation. I dress very formally. They might think I am overly eager, but I am trying to set a good example. In the future, if they under-dress for a formal presentation and get scolded for it, I won't feel guilty because I did not set a bad example for them. To give another example, maybe I don't want to attend a work event. A lot of colleagues want me to go. Instead of focusing on what I want or don't want, I focus on what a good employee should do. So I attend the work event and try to help out wherever I can. If others all do the same, the event would be a big success. If instead, I didn't go to this big event, or if I went begrudgingly and didn't help out, then I would be setting a bad example. To be a good role model, we need to learn from good role models, which is why I encourage people to learn from ancient philosophers. Whereas school teaches us knowledge for finding a job, ancient philosophers teach us how to be a good role model and to live a happy and productive life. I wrote about this in more detail in Upgrade Your Thinking. 4: Judge yourself on doing the best to make the right decision, not on the outcome After making decisions, we often judge whether or not we were wise or stupid based on the outcome of the decision. That's a sure way to create disappointment. The contemporary Stoic Ryan Holiday said, "We should take pleasure from our actions—in taking the right actions—rather than the results that come from them." For example, one time I picked a restaurant, and when we got there, the restaurant just happened to be closed that day. I thought, "I was stupid for choosing this restaurant." But actually, my decision-making process was fine. We always go to this restaurant, and that day was a normal day. There was no reason to assume they would be closed, so there is no need to be upset. I could do better by calling and making a reservation next time if it is a very important occasion. Another time, I accompanied my grandpa to the hospital late at night because his gum wouldn't stop bleeding after a tooth had been pulled. We had been waiting for many hours, and he was worried that he would wait all this time just for the doctor to say, "You're fine, just keep biting on gauze." After five hours, we saw the doctor, and he basically said, "You're fine. Just keep biting harder on gauze." Although it might seem like we wasted five hours, but actually, we made the best decision with the best available information at the time, and that's what matters. At the hospital, I was hungry, and I wasn't sure if I should buy a snack or not. I decided to go buy a snack from the vending machine because I didn't know how much longer I would need to wait, and it's best to take care of my health. After I purchased the snack bar, it got stuck. I thought, "Wow I made the wrong choice." But actually, there was nothing wrong with my reasoning. Hence, I bought the snack bar again, and two snack bars came out. I ate both and solved my hunger problem. 5: Follow the Middle Way People naturally like to categorize things as "good" or "bad". But the Middle Way states that something might not be inherently good or bad. Rather, it is good if we use it correctly and in the appropriate amount. It is bad if we use it incorrectly or in an inappropriate amount. The great philosopher Aristotle explained the Middle Way like this: "Anyone can get angry – that is easy – or spend money or give it away; but to do all this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right manner, is not a thing that everyone can do, and is not easy." My Chinese medicine mentor emphasizes the Middle Way to me all the time, saying, "This medicine or treatment method is to bring you from disharmony back into equilibrium. If you use it too much, you will tip the other way, and that will lead to other problems. If you use too little, then the effect won't be enough. Also, everyone's situation is different. Just because this medicine is good for you does not mean it will be good for someone else. Just because this medicine works well for you now does not mean it will work well for you later. We need to constantly adjust to stay in equilibrium." This past year, I practiced the Middle Way in many ways: Food: Eating to 80% full instead of 100% full. Adding the right amount of seasoning and sauce when cooking. Sleep: Trying to sleep at the best time (10PM - 2AM) Exercise: Getting in more exercise (I exercise too little) Speech: Speaking slower (because I naturally speak fast), but obviously not too slow Kindness: Being strict when I need to be strict to avoid spoiling the other person (I am usually too nice) Attention-to-detail: Aim for 90% quality rather than perfection for the sake of time and practicality (I have a tendency to overthink things) The Middle Way is not easy. In my experience, there are two big obstacles to achieving the Middle Way. First is habit. For example, I have a habit of eating until 100% full, so when I eat until 80%, I think I am still hungry, and then I eat a bit more. Or I try to speak slower, but then I lose awareness and start speaking fast again. Fixing this takes a lot of conscious training. The second problem is jumping to the other extreme. For example, when I found out I am too kind, I jumped to being too strict. When I felt like I'm being too much of a perfectionist, I jumped to being negligent and uncaring. This is often the result of negative emotions. I feel bad and self-critical when making a mistake, so then I jump to the other extreme. So we need to often remind ourselves that most things are not inherently "good" or "bad", but rather we need to use them in the right amount and in the right way. Conclusion The great philosopher Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day." I don't know if I improve every single day, but at the very least I can improve every year, and it is indeed a delight to reflect on one's own improvement. This year, my main areas of focus were Cultivating the mind Improving emotional self-regulation Being a role model instead of a people pleaser Affirming my good decisions despite bad results Following the Middle Way I still have a lot I can improve in these areas, so the cultivation continues in 2023! Weekly Wisdom #218

No matter who you are, you probably need to influence others. Parents need to influence children, teachers need to influence students, managers need to influence employees, students need to influence classmates, and partners need to influence partners. Anyone who needs to influence others, whether or personal or professional reasons, is called a leader. There are many leadership theories out there, but a simple one that I find to be very insightful and practical is one from traditional Chinese teachings, which states that an effective leader has three traits: They lead by example. They show genuine care for their followers. They patiently teach and coach their followers. Trait 1: Leading by Example If your boss tells you to work hard, but you see her always slacking off, are you going to be inspired to work hard? Of course not. If your partner tells you to plan more fun activities and vacations, yet they never plan any, are you going to be inspired to plan fun activities and vacations? Probably not. When others practice don't what they preach, people lose respect for them. They think, “You’re not even doing what you’re preaching, why should I?” or “You’re no better than me, you have no credentials to tell me what to do.” On the other hand, if you always see your boss working extremely hard, even though she doesn’t verbally tell you to work hard, you will probably feel inclined to add in extra effort in your work. If your partner often plans fun activities and vacations, you will probably feel inclined to at least help out and contribute. Image Source In the picture above, the "boss" is not an inspiring leader, and his followers will not be happy. The "leader" is leading by example, and his followers will be inspired. The Confucian classic The Great Learning states, "A virtuous person first demands himself to possess any good quality before expecting others, and first demands himself to rid any bad qualities before expecting others." (Original text: 君子有诸己而后求诸人, 无诸己而后非诸人) Hence, the first quality of effective leaders is that they lead by example, and they ensure others see their example. Story: One time, a mother brought her son to see Gandhi. The mother said, "My son eats too much sugar. It is bad for his health. Will you please tell him to not eat so much sugar?" Gandhi listened patiently, smiled, and said, "Please come back in two weeks." To weeks later, the mother and son came back. This time, Gandhi looked at the son firmly and said, "Young boy, don't eat so much sugar. It is bad for your health." The young boy really admired Gandhi, so he nodded and promised. The mother was bewildered by why Gandhi had asked them to wait two weeks, so she asked Gandhi, "Why didn't you just say that to him two weeks earlier?" Gandhi replied, "Two weeks ago, I ate a lot of sugar. How could I tell someone else to not do so?" Trait 2: Showing Genuine Care Let’s suppose that your boss tells you to work hard, and she indeed sets a good example. But the thing is, you see yourself as very different from your boss. She’s very ambitious in her career aspirations, whereas you focus more on family. So then when your boss asks you to work on stretch projects, you don’t feel inclined to do so. What’s the problem? The leader needs to show genuine care for the follower. There are many ways to this, such as Taking the time to learn about them, their situation, goals, and feelings. Telling them that you support them in their goals. Giving them words of encouragement and appreciation. Doing things for them that help reduce their stress or workload. Giving them tiny gifts to show that you care about them. When a follower trusts that the leader always has his best intentions in mind, he will be inspired and motivated to follow the leader’s direction. Image Source Another Confucian book called Standards for Disciples (弟子规) states, "If we force others to do something, their hearts will not be with us. If we use good logic and calm their emotional worries, then they will have nothing left to say." (Original Text: 势服人, 心不然, 理服人, 方无言) In the case of the ambitious boss and the family-oriented employee, the boss should first develop a strong relationship with her follower, listen to her follower's concerns, and link any requests to work extra hard towards her followers’ personal goals. When the follower realizes that the leader knows his personal goals and has his best intentions in mind, he will be inspired to follow. Story: The Buddhist master Jing Kong shared a small story from when he was young. Before he became a monk, he worked in a government office. Sometimes, work was not busy, so he would read some newspapers or books. He had a bad habit of not sitting properly, and sometimes he would lean on the back of his chair, and the front two legs of the chair would lift up. One time, his manager saw this, then the manager came over from behind and tapped his shoulder. He immediately stood up. The manager did not scold him, but instead, the manager used a caring tone of voice and said, "When you sit like that, it's very easy to fall over and hurt yourself!" He never forgot the sincere care his manager gave him, and he never did that bad habit again. If the manager had instead scolded him, then he might have continued sitting that way after the manager left. Trait 3: Teaching and Coaching Followers Patiently Let’s suppose your partner asks you to plan more fun activities and vacations, and he indeed sets a good example. You’re busy, but he’s just as busy as you, and he finds the time to plan those activities. You also highly value and respect your partner because he understands you very well, and he shows great effort in contributing to the relationship. The problem is, you just don’t know how to plan vacations. You don’t know how to research activities or research flights. You don’t know how to find flight deals. So despite your partner already setting a good example and showing genuine care in the relationship, you still feel resistant to following his request. What can the leader do? A good leader will show followers how to complete the task before expecting them to be able to do that task alone. Image Source If the leader really understands the follower (his partner in this case), he would realize that she lacks the skills to do his request. An Effective leader would voluntarily teach and coach her on how to do the task before asking her to do it alone. He would also be patient and verify that the follower has learned the ability or skill before letting her do it alone. Result: An Effective Leader Doesn’t Complain As a result of the three traits mentioned above, an effective leader realizes there’s nothing to complain about. The Analects of Confucius says, "If a person does not get upset at others for not knowing better, then how can he not be a virtuous person?" (Original Text: 人不知而不慍, 不亦君子乎) If a good leader sees her followers not performing to her expectations, then she knows she must be lacking in one of the above three leadership traits, hence she must improve herself. There is nothing to complain about. For example, if an effective parent sees her child always sleeping in and wasting time, she won’t say, “Why are kids so lazy these days?” Instead, she’ll reflect first on if she sets a good example (and if other role models of the child sets good examples). Then she’ll reflect on if she built a strong relationship with the child. Lastly, she’ll reflect on if the child understands the significance of laziness. After reflecting, she might realize that the child needs to see better role models and to understand the consequences of laziness. There’s no feelings of blame towards the child. If an effective manager sees his team members being selfish, he won’t say, “Why are people so selfish these days?” Instead, he will first set a good example with his own actions and make sure his team members see him being considerate and being a team player. He will also build a strong relationship with each person so that they trust that their leader has their best intentions in mind. Finally, the leader will consider if his team members know how to be considerate and why it’s important. After all, they might’ve grown up in a culture and environment that promotes selfishness as being normal. If so, then it’s important to teach the team without any feelings of blame or resentment, but rather with feelings of care and goodwill. Concluding Thoughts Who do you often need to influence as part of your routine life? How effective of an leader are you in terms of the three qualities?

Have you ever made a mistake, and then you keep replaying that mistake in your head, feeling really bad, sad, embarrassed, or remorseful about it? Perhaps you think, "If only I could go back in time and undo that mistake." Image Source I've been there many times. Sometimes, it's a small mistake, like forgetting to bring my wallet when going out. Sometimes it's an embarrassing mistake, like when I was drinking tea once, and then I choked and coughed tea all over the person in front of me. Sometimes it's a horrible mistake, like saying hurtful words to a loved one. In the past, I used to think that apologizing was enough to make up for my mistakes. But I still kept replaying them in my head. And if I repeated my mistakes, the other person wouldn't forgive me. I was also frustrated at myself for making the same mistakes again. So how can we truly move on and free ourselves from the shackles of past mistakes? There's a Chinese saying that goes, "We are not sages, so how can we not have faults and mistakes? But if we correct our faults and mistakes, then there is no greater good than this." (Original Text: 人非圣贤，孰能无过，过而能改，善莫大焉。) There's a similar English saying that goes, "The best apology is changed behavior." This brings me to a great story I heard from the Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong. Once upon a time, there were two brothers who studied Buddhism. The elder brother studied Mahayana Buddhism, while the younger brother studied Theraveda Buddhism. When he was young, the younger brother publicly slandered Mahayana Buddhism, saying it was inferior to Theraveda Buddhism. Later, the younger brother realized he was wrong, and he felt great remorse. He told his elder brother, "I was wrong for slandering Mahayana Buddhism in the past. To repent for my mistake, I will cut off this wicked tongue of mine." The elder brother replied, "Given that you used your tongue to slander Mahayana Buddhism in the past, why not now use your tongue to praise Mahayana Buddhism?" Suddenly, the younger brother understood what is meant by 'true repentance.' Commentary Feeling bad about making a mistake is a sign of good conscience, but we shouldn't be overly harsh and do something irrational (like cutting off your tongue in the case of that younger brother). True repentance is when we promise to the other person or to ourselves that we won't make the same mistake again. And then we keep our promise. A great way to help us avoid the same mistake is to proactively practice the opposite virtue. In the story above, the younger brother had the fault of criticizing others. To fix that fault, he can practice the virtue of praising others' good points. This way, our past mistakes actually serve as a valuable stepping stone for us to become the best version of ourselves. Then, we won't agonize over our past mistakes but rather be thankful to them for helping us grow. The Japanese term "kintsukuroi" is a great analogy for this. Kinstsukuroi is the act of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver and understanding that it is now more beautiful after being broken and repaired. The same is true for mistakes in our lives. The act of repairing with gold is to learn from the mistake and improve ourselves. Image Source When I learned this idea, I suddenly felt really happy and hopeful. I made many mistakes in the past, and I finally knew a way to make up for them: by changing my behavior and avoiding the same mistake in the future. But like many people, I often repeat my mistakes. Why does that happen? After I made a mistake, I felt bad, so why would I make the same mistake again? I realized it's because I never took the time to reflect on why I made that mistake and how I can prevent it in the future. Although doing this reflection process does not guarantee that I won't make the same mistake again (because our habits are so strong), it greatly reduces the chance. And if I do make that mistake again, I do the whole reflection process again. Eventually, I will eliminate that fault. Remember those three examples I mentioned before? Here's how I've moved on from them: I forgot to bring my wallet once, and that one time, my Apple wallet didn't work, so my friend had to pay for me. The next time I went for a meal with that friend, I made sure to bring my wallet and pay for both of us. I choked on tea and coughed over the person in front of me. I apologized and thanked her for her tolerance. Next time I drank slower and sat with proper posture. I have not repeated that mistake since. I said hurtful words when my mood was bad. Many times after, when my mood was bad, I remembered to keep my mouth closed and ask to discuss later when everyone's mood is better. Over the past year and a half, I've been keeping a daily journal. Every day, I reflect on my behavior, note down my mistakes, reflect on why I made that mistake, and write down how I can prevent the same fault next time or cultivate the opposite virtue. Here are some examples: I used to criticize my mother a lot because I always focused on her faults. Now I look for her good points and praise her every day. I used to have unhealthy habits like eating junk food and sleeping late, which made my mother worry. Now, I don't want my mother to worry about me, so I am learning Chinese Medicine and applying the teachings to improve my health and my mother's health. I used to be jealous when other people had better fortune than me. Now, I know it's much wiser to be happy for others' fortune, so I actively try to help others have the best fortune they can have. I used to waste a lot of time on games and TV for no good reason. Now, I use my free time to learn and share wisdom, which brings long-lasting happiness. I used to rush eating, which is bad for my digestion, and sometimes I end up biting my lip, which leaves a painful mouth sore for the next few days. Now, I remind myself that if I can do the small things carefully, then I will naturally do the big things carefully, hence I need to eat slower and more mindfully. Many of these faults are bad habits, and habits take time and determination to change. If we truly feel remorse, we will have the motivation to change bad habits. I have not fixed all these mistakes completely, but I certainly have noticeable improvement, and thus I don't agonize over past mistakes. The past is past. I can relax because I made good use of the past to create a better future. Conclusion As human beings, we all make mistakes. The important thing is what you do AFTER you make a mistake. Disregarding our faults would lead to us making the same mistakes and nurturing bad habits. Agonizing over them is unnecessary suffering. If we want to repent and move on from mistakes, we need to change our behavior and cultivate good habits. Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn and improve from them. If we learn from mistakes, they become lessons; If we improve from them, then they become treasure. What are some mistakes that you feel bad about? How can you learn and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #216

This past Wednesday, my grandpa had a tooth pulled at 3:00PM. At 9:00PM, he told me that his gum is still bleeding, and he needs to go to the hospital tonight. Image Source I have been immersed in ancient philosophy this past year, and I remembered just this past week, my Chinese philosophy teacher said, "If you are a learner of Chinese philosophy, the first effect you should have on the people around you is to be able to calm them down. To do that, YOU need to remain calm in difficult situations." Then I reminded myself to calm down, to take some deep breaths, and to speak slowly. I told my grandpa, "Don't worry, I'll call an Uber and accompany you to the hospital." My mother also wanted to come along, but she was worried and said, "If we go to the hospital emergency room, you're likely to wait all night. I think all he has to do is bite on some gauze to stop the bleeding." At this point, the Uber was almost here, so I said, "Well, grandpa is worried. Going to the hospital can calm his worries. If he is calm, we will be relieved. If he stays worried, how can we be at ease?" Arrival When we arrived, there were lots of people in the waiting room, and the whole environment was rather tense. Many people were complaining that they've been waiting for hours. One person who was on a wheelchair even collapsed to the ground after waiting for hours, and nurses had to come and carry her away on a stretcher. We had no idea how long we'd have to wait, and I could tell both my grandpa and mom were a little anxious. My mom was obviously tired but still pacing around. I told her she could go home first and rest, but she wanted to stay. My grandpa joked, "I don't know how long we have to wait, but I'm afraid that I'll wait many hours just for the doctor to say, 'Just keep biting on gauze.'" My mom replied, "Exactly! I think all you need to do is bite on more gauze and the bleeding will stop in a while. I had this problem before too, and that's what I did to solve it." My grandpa replied, "I don't know. I've been biting on gauze this whole time and it still keeps bleeding." At this point, I was kind of tired too, and I didn't know what to say. I remembered this quote from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." Since I was tired, maintaining my calm is about all I could manage. I don't have the ability to help calm their nervous energy, so the least I can do is to not add to their anxiety. Hence, I remained silent and did some work on my laptop. At midnight, the nurse finally inspected my grandpa and allowed us to proceed to the next room. I thought that meant he would be seeing a doctor, but it turns out it's another waiting room! Moreover, only one person could accompany him, so I told my mom to go home first because she is very tired. My body is stronger, so I can handle pulling an all-nighter better than her. She agreed, so I called an Uber to send her home. Vending Machine Incident At this point, I was kind of hungry, so I went to the vending machine to buy a snack bar. Guess what happened? I paid for a snack bar, and it got stuck before it could fall to the bottom. (Snack bar 511 got stuck halfway) My first thought was, "Are you serious? I already paid for this snack bar and this machine didn't keep its promise!" I tried shaking the vending machine, but it didn't work. Then I thought to myself, "OK, I've been doing fairly well maintaining my calm tonight. Don't let a vending machine break your momentum! I am here to solve my problem of hunger. This snack bar is stuck. Getting angry and leaving is not going to solve my problem. That would make my mood bad and influence my grandpa's mood. I should buy a second snack bar to solve this problem. It only costs $2. Any problem that a little money can solve is not a real problem. The problem is me demanding this vending machine to keep its previous promise, but this vending machine is not a human being, so my demand is illogical." Then I bought the same snack bar again, and two snack bars came out. Problem solved. Seeing the Doctor After I returned to the second waiting room, I waited another two hours with my grandpa. While waiting, my grandpa said, "Last time I had a tooth pulled, I stopped my blood thinner medication three days beforehand, and the dentist stitched up the hole after. I don't know why this time the dentist said I don't need to stop the blood thinner and did not stitch up the hole after." After hearing this, I better understood why he wanted to keep waiting all these hours to see the doctor. He needed to hear a professional tell him, "Don't worry about the blood thinner. Don't worry about stitches. You will be fine." My grandpa added, "It would be a pretty big waste of time if this doctor says 'You just need to keep biting on gauze.'" I replied, "Well, I would be relieved! At least you wouldn't need to do surgery!" At 2:00AM, the doctor finally saw my grandpa. My grandpa explained that he got a tooth pulled at 3:00PM, and it's been bleeding for 11 hours now. He also explained his worries with regards to the blood thinner and lack of stitches. The doctor had a look inside his mouth, asked which blood thinner he took, and then brought a bunch of gauze over and said, "It's okay. All you need to do is bite on a lot of gauze really hard. I know it sounds simple, and I know you waited a long time for this, but this really is all you have to do. You are not biting hard enough. Bite harder, and the bleeding should stop within 15-30 minutes. No need for stitches." Then we went home. My grandpa said, "Wow, we actually waited 5 hours for 5 minutes with the doctor." I replied, "At least you don't have to do any major operation! We are way more fortunate than most of the other people at the hospital!" Next Day Reflection The next day, I told my mom what happened. She said, "I told you guys! All he had to do was put more gauze there and bite." I replied, "Yes…but you are not a doctor, and we could not have been 100% sure yesterday night. So even though your guess about the final result was right, waiting 5 hours at the hospital was still the right thing to do because we can't take any risks when grandpa has been bleeding for hours." My mom said, "OK sure, but if you ever get a tooth pulled, you should know what you need to do now. Don't go to the hospital on a whim. Don't you remember when you were young and had kidney stones, I took you to the hospital, and we waited all night, and by the time you saw the doctor, you were already fine." I felt like my mom was not getting the point, so I explained, "Yes… but mom, even if the problem got solved before I saw the doctor, we cannot say it was a waste or time or the wrong thing to do. People's feelings are more important than matters. This time it's bleeding gums. Next time it will be a different matter. The problem is not just grandpa's bleeding gums or my kidneys hurting. The bigger problem is our WORRY about the bleeding gums and kidneys hurting. You do not have the ability to calm that worry. Only a credible doctor can calm those worries. Therefore, waiting all night in the hospital is the right thing to do, and if we understand that it is the right thing to do, we won't be annoyed by it." My mother considered my logic and agreed. Conclusion Adversity reveals our moral training. To be calm and kind when things are peaceful is nothing special. To be calm and kind when others are flustered and worried is to be truly cultivated. Since I've been studying philosophy all year, I viewed this whole situation as a test of my cultivation. While I can't say I did a great job calming my grandpa and mom's worries, I can at least say I did not add to their suffering. I also reflected on some important lessons from the whole experience: 1. Don't deny other people's suffering. Sometimes we think others are exaggerating, so we deny their feelings. That's not kind. We are not them. We don't know how they feel. If they tell us they are in pain, then we should believe them and try our test to help. If we cannot help, at least do not belittle them or make them feel worse. 2. Don't trust vending machines. Just kidding. 3. Don't fall prey to sunk cost bias (being attached to the past). Just like when I needed a snack, I should not let what happened in the past stop me from solving my problem. 4. Don't judge yourself based on the outcome of your decision. Judge yourself based on making the right decision. 5. Take care of your health. Going to the hospital is not fun. 6. Although being at the hospital is not fun, it doesn't have to be terrible either. It's all about how you view the situation. I remained positive by being grateful that our hospitals are free and that my grandpa did not have a serious problem compared to others. That's all for this story. If you have any other lessons, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, and have a great week ahead! Weekly Wisdom #215

Image Source Have you ever received a lot of praise and felt awkward because you didn't know how to respond? That happened to me recently. It was my first time being an MC, and near the end, I got strong public praise from some colleagues. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing, and it was kind of awkward. Afterwards, I decided I should figure out a good way to respond to praise. Some people might view this as a small matter, but I view it as a big deal. If we don't know how to face praise, not only is it awkward, but we might grow arrogance. There is a Chinese proverb that says, "The arrogant attract harm. The humble receive benefit." Human beings all detest arrogant people and like to help humble people. If I start to think that I am better than I actually am, then my arrogance will grow. I might try to do things above my ability. When I do a bad job, people will lose trust in me, and I will have a poor reputation. Once my reputation is ruined, it will be very hard to rebuild. Hence, I need to find a way to respond to praise while maintaining politeness and humility. Option 1: Brush it off I could say, "Oh thanks, but I'm not actually that good. So and so is way better." I see a lot of people respond this way to compliments, but to me, it sounds like I am negating the other person's positive intentions, which might make them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Option 2: Accept the compliment I could say, "Thank you for your compliment." This is polite and affirms their positive intentions. It is better than option 1, but the problem is, am I actually deserving of such praise? Probably not. Hence, I shouldn't fully accept the compliment. Option 3: View the compliment as encouragement and thank the encouragement. I could say, "Thank you for your encouragement. I will keep working hard to improve my abilities." This sounds and feels much better than the previous two options. They praised me very highly, so I view it as encouragement for me to reach that level, but I am not actually at that level yet. I also affirm their positive intentions towards me. I shared this idea with my mother, and she said I am still arrogant. I replied, "Why do you say that? I'm obviously trying to be humble and polite here. What's arrogant about my words?" She replied, "If you are truly humble deep down in your heart, then you would obviously give the credit away to your teacher. You weren't born a great MC. You learned from watching your teacher and listening to his advice." Her words really hit the nail on the head. I tried to accept her criticism gracefully and said, "Thank you for pointing out my mistake. Next time, I will avoid this mistake by giving credit away to my teacher." Option 4: Thank the encouragement and give credit away I could say, "Thank you for your encouragement. I learned from observing my teacher and colleagues. I will keep working hard to improve my abilities." This response is polite, affirms their positive intentions, and prevents arrogance. If I gave a compliment to someone, and they responded in this way, I would feel respect towards that person. I think we have a winner! Conclusion When was the last time you received a big compliment? How would you respond to it now? Weekly Wisdom #214

Have you ever asked someone multiple times to do something or change something about themselves, but they just don't do it? Maybe you asked very politely at first... ...but eventually, you got annoyed, and it became a point of conflict in the relationship. Recently, I was chatting with a couple friends about exactly this problem, and I thought of this quote from The Analects of Confucius: "A superior person first establishes trust before asking his people to work; otherwise, he is grinding himself. A superior person also establishes trust before giving advice, otherwise she is slandering herself." (Original Text: 君子信而後勞其民，未信則以為厲己也；信而後諫，未信則以為謗己也。) In other words, we need to earn the other person's trust before we ask them to do things or advise them to change; otherwise, we will inflict suffering onto ourselves and receive a bad reputation for being a "nagger" or "complainer". To give an analogy, we can imagine our relationship with people as a bank account. Good relationships have a positive balance. Bad relationships have a negative balance. If we want the other person to do something or change something about themselves, we need to spend trust dollars from our bank balance. Small asks cost a small amount of trust dollars; big requests require big amounts of trust dollars. If they don't comply with your ask, then chances are, you don't have enough trust dollars. Think about it: if our idol, or someone we deeply respect, asked us to do something, we would do it right away. But if someone who annoys us asks us to do something, we would not do it just to prove that they cannot boss us around. The idol has a lot of trust dollars with us, while that annoying person has a negative balance with us. So the big question is, how do we earn trust dollars? There are many ways, but some major ones that come to mind are Remove their unhappiness and give them happiness Let them know you have their best intentions at heart (not your own selfish intentions) Keep your word consistently Set a good example first 1: Remove their unhappiness and give them happiness We all like people who give us happiness and dislike people who give us annoyance, frustration, or negativity. So when we interact with others, we should pay attention to whether they smile more or frown more. If they frown more than they smile, then chances are, we are giving them more unhappiness than happiness. In that case, we should reflect on what we are doing wrong and/or ask them how we can be better towards them. But a point of caution: Giving others happiness has to be done in a proper way that is beneficial to them in the long-term. For example, if they like smoking, we should not encourage them to smoke. But if they like it when you give sincere compliments or praise, you can try to give more sincere compliments and praise. 2: Let them know you have their best intentions at heart Lao Zi's Treatise on Cause and Effect explains that a virtuous person would "View people's gains as my own gains. View people's losses as my own losses." (Original Text: 見人之得如己之得，見人之失如己之失。 ) In other words, their happiness and gains are my happiness and gains. Their unhappiness and losses are also my unhappiness and losses. This requires us to have empathy first, to be able to feel their happiness and unhappiness with them. If we can have this kind of attitude, we are a virtuous person, and we would surely earn trust dollars in our every interaction with them. On the other hand, if we are blind to their feelings because all we feel is our own feelings, then we would naturally feel a distance in the relationship. We might even view their happiness as conflicting with our happiness, leading to arguments and fights, which would really hurt our trust balance. For example, if we want to advise a loved one to quit smoking, we should not say, "Listen to yourself cough! I told you so many times already, if you don't stop smoking now, you're going to get lung cancer and die early and be a big burden to all of us." That would make them feel very attacked, disrespected, and unloved. Instead, we could say, "Hey honey, I notice you are coughing more and more, and I care about your health. When you cough like that, I feel a pain in my chest too. I don't want to be a demanding nagger, I just want you to be happy in a healthy way. I also don't expect you to quit smoking in the snap of a finger, but I want you to consider it and work on it." 3: Keep your word consistently If we said we would do something for others, we need to keep our word, no matter how small the thing is. If we don't keep our word, they will lose trust in us. When they have a negative impression of us, would they want to listen to our advice? Hence, we need to be very careful about what we promise to others. If we promised something, but later the situation changed, and it is no longer feasible for us to fulfill that promise, we need to communicate with the other person promptly, apologize, and ask how to make up for it. 4: Set a good example first Setting a good example earns trust dollars. Demanding others to be good when we aren't even good reduces trust and creates resentment. The Great Learning says, "A superior person first possess those positive qualities in himself before asking others to have them; first eliminates those negative qualities in herself before asking others to not have them." (Original Text: 君子有諸己而後求諸人，無諸己而後非諸人。) If you want the other person to be more (insert positive trait here), make sure you have that positive trait first. If you want them to be a good partner, make sure you are a good partner first. If you want them to do their fair share of chores, make sure you do your fair share first. Otherwise, they will say, "You don't even do it, what right do you have to demand me to do it?" My Experience With My Mother In the past, my mother often criticized me, and I would always defend myself and criticize her back. Our interactions were more negative than positive, more frowning than smiling. Hence, our trust balance was low. Later, I learned from the Gottman Institute that happy relationships have a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio. Hence, I decided to try building trust by praising or thanking her for one thing every day and resisting the urge to defend myself or criticize back, thereby increasing our positive interactions ratio. Image Source At first, it felt a bit forced because, well, it was. But my intention was to improve our relationship, not for any selfish gain, so I persisted. After a couple weeks, it got more natural, and my mom started praising me one thing each day too. Now, it's been over a year, and our trust is very strong. We also set a meeting time before dinner every day where we communicate our thoughts sincerely and respectfully. If we want to advise or criticize each other, we should only do it during that time, and not criticize each other while they are busy throughout the rest of the day. Moreover, our intention should be to help the other person rather than being annoyed at them. When she advises me now, I feel that she has my best intentions at heart, so I am very thankful, and she feels the same way towards me. With My Friend One of my friends needed to pass the IELTS English exam in order to study in the UK. I helped her learn English for a few months, and then later, I got busy, so she started learning with another teacher. As her exam drew closer, I noticed she got more and more stressed and unhealthy. One day, I told her to not be so attached to an exam score, especially to the point that she would neglect her own physical and mental health, making her parents, teachers, and friends worry. She felt very upset and did not listen to my advice. Later, I understood. She was already feeling so insecure and worried that she could not pass her test, the last thing she needs is someone telling her she is not being a good person. If a similar situation happened again, I would say, "Hey, I know you have been working super hard these past few months. You've made big progress, and I believe in you. But I also noticed you are getting burned out, and when I see you so tired and unhappy with your daily studies, I feel bad too. I am not expecting you to suddenly be super happy or sleep eight hours a day, but I want you to think about how you can take better care of your physical and mental health while preparing for your test." With My Boss I work as a high school teacher, so my boss is my principal. This school year, I made a big request: I asked to work every other semester. This would be quite a logistic challenge for the school, and I honestly didn't know if they would accept my request. To my surprise, they said, "Well, we really value you as a teacher, and the students always give great feedback about your classes, so we will accept your request." This request definitely costed a lot of trust dollars, and I reflected on how I built that trust: I never gave headaches or negativity to my principal or students. I always maintained respect and professionalism. I always kept my word. If I accepted a task, I always did it diligently and on time. If I did not have the time and ability to do a task, I respectfully declined and explained that I don't want to do something half-heartedly. I set a good example for the other teachers. I always fulfill my responsibilities properly, and I am constantly trying to improve my teaching abilities. I often report my learnings and experiences to my principal, and she sometimes asks me to share my experience in staff meetings. Since I've built up a lot of trust over the past couple of years, I was able to purchase a big request. Concluding Thoughts If we want others to accept or request or advice, we need to accumulate enough trust with them first. Is there someone who you wish would listen to your advice or change for you? Do you have enough trust dollars to purchase that request? If not, how can you earn more trust dollars and prevent losing trust? Weekly Wisdom #213

Image Source This past week, I heard a story from my mentor that really left a lasting impression on me. The story seems normal at first, but there is a plot twist at the end, and I love the story's morale. Below is the story. Mr. Qiuyu Yu (余秋雨) is a well-respected contemporary writer in China. When he was working on a book called “Searching for Germany”, he actually went to live in Germany in order to deeply experience life in this country. He found a room on the fifth floor of a rental apartment from a friendly old German landlord. After he inspected it, he liked it a lot and wanted to sign a long-term rental contract immediately. The old man smiled and said, “Yong man, you haven’t lived here yet. You don’t know for sure whether or not you will like it. Why don’t you sign a short-term contract first? After you personally experience living here, you can decide whether you want to sign a long-term contract or not.” Mr. Yu agreed and signed a five-day contract first. The room was very cozy, and even though he lived on the fifth floor, he didn’t need to bring the garbage down. All he had to do was leave his garbage bag outside his door, and the cleaning staff would pick it up every day to ensure the corridors were clean. The landlord is a very trusting person, so he made any surprise visits to check on his tenant. On the fifth day, Mr. Yu was thoroughly satisfied. He called the landlord and told him he wanted to sign a long-term rental contract. The landlord said, “Sure, I’ll come over later today with the contract.” Mr. Yu was excited. Then, something terrible happened. He accidentally broke an expensive-looking glass vase in the room. He was worried that the landlord would rescind the offer due to his clumsiness, so with a heavy heart, he called the landlord and told him what happened. To his surprise, the landlord said, “It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to do it, and at least you didn’t get hurt. The vase is not that expensive. I’ll bring a replacement later.” Mr. Yu was relieved and eagerly awaited the old man to bring the contract. In the meantime, he decided to clean up the broken glass, put it in the garbage bin, and put it outside the room. Soon after, the old man arrived. Before Mr. Yu had a chance to speak, the old man asked, “Where are the broken pieces of the vase?” Mr. Yu said, “Oh, I cleaned it up and put it outside in the garbage bin.” The old man hurried outside, opened the garbage bag, looked inside, then came back into the room with a gloomy face. He told Mr. Yu, “You can move out tomorrow. I will not rent this house to you anymore.” Mr. Yu was stunned. He asked, “Is it because I broke your favorite vase?” The old man shook his head and replied, “No, it’s because you don’t have anyone else in your heart other than yourself.” Hearing this, Mr. Yu was confused. Then he saw the old man get a broom, tweezers, pen, and garbage bags, went outside to the garbage bin, and re-organized the garbage. The old man carefully picked out all the glass fragments, put them in a separate garbage bag, and wrote a label on that bag saying, “Caution: Glass Fragments Inside.” He then put all the other garbage in another bag and labeled it saying, “Safe.” Mr. Yu finally understood, and he felt nothing but admiration and respect for this old man. In the following years, he frequently shared this story with others, and each time, he couldn’t help but sigh. Commentary: Who would you rather be friends with, Mr. Yu or the old landlord? Yet, who are we more similar to? If we want happier relationships, more harmonious families, and a more peaceful world, we need more people like the old landlord, people who are always considerate of their impact on others. The best person to start with is ourselves. If we can be more like that considerate old man, we will certainly influence the people around us, just like how that old man inspired Mr. Yu. Lao Tzu said, "View others' gains as my own gains. View others' losses as my own losses." At first, I thought, “Why should I bother about other people’s happiness? That’s their business. I should just take care of my own happiness.” To which my mentor replied: "If only you are happy, but the people around you are unhappy, how long will your happiness last? If only you are healthy, but all the people around you have the flu, how long will it be until you catch the flu? Therefore, caring for others is caring for ourselves." I then learned that a person who has a considerate heart will show that consideration with every action, whether it be Sorting the garbage (carefully) Speaking (kind of beneficial words) Eating (food that is healthy so that loved ones wouldn’t worry) Sleeping (early so that loved ones don't need to worry) Wearing clothes (that are appropriate for their position and situation) Cooking (food that others enjoy and is healthy) Buying groceries (that are local or organic to benefit the environment) If everyone used a considerate heart in their daily life, imagine how much happier and more harmonious our relationships would be. Not only would we be happier, our society would be more peaceful too! So let's do our part to cultivate a considerate and kind heart in our daily actions. Weekly Wisdom #212

Do you get really nervous before a test, interview, competition, or evaluation? I remember in university, I used to get super nervous, to the point that it disturbed my sleep! But now that I've learned philosophy, I know how to calm my nerves. Hence, it's time to practice those teachings for my upcoming tests. This Tuesday and Wednesday, I have an oral and written test for a sinology program I applied for. I am not going to kid myself and think that I won't get nervous whatsoever, but I will do my best to nip any nervous sprouts before they have a chance to grow big. Image Source 1: Count On Your Training One thing that I remind myself of is this quote by Greek poet Archilochus "We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training." For my oral test, I need to recite from memory random passages from five books. When I think about my oral test, I worry about whether or not I will make mistakes or forget lines. But I've been training for this for over a year. I can recite these books without thinking. Therefore, I don’t need to worry. I can count on the level of my training. As for my written test, I need to punctuate and translate a classical Chinese passage, then write an essay in classical Chinese. I have only been studying classical Chinese for a few months, so I won't kid myself and think I can get a great score. I think my training level should be enough to pass, but I am not sure. Hence, there is worry. What to do? Well, the test questions are outside my control. There is no use in idly worrying about something outside of my control. Wise people only focus on things is in their control, and the only things we can control are our own mind and actions. 2: Cultivate Your Mind For my mind, I will manage my expectations and wants. Rather than wanting "to pass", which is totally outside of my control, I simply hope to do my best and perform at the level of my training. If I can do that, I will be satisfied with myself. Additionally, I can find the good in every situation, including the scenario in which I fail. I mean, sure I would be happy if I passed, but if I don't pass, it's great too. Why? Because I already have a great life. I have great relationships, I like my job, and I enjoy studying sinology in my free time. Failing this test does not ruin my relationships or career, nor does it stop me from continuing to study sinology in my free time. If I fail, I'll just keep studying for another year and then apply again. 3: Take Productive Action The other thing we can control is our actions. When nervous energy arises, we need to channel it into something productive. Aside from managing expectations, the other highly productive thing to do is to train! That's why this whole week up to my test, I am training my essay writing every day. With each day, I seek to learn something, improve something, solidify something, or solve a problem, thus my confidence grows each day. When I reach the day before my test, I plan to relax. Why? Because by that point, I have already done 99% of the training that I can possibly do. Doing more training isn't going to tip the scale (it would only help someone who barely did any training, but that kind of person probably won't pass anyway). Calming my mind would be a much better use of my energy. Post-Test Update Both tests went well! I trained a lot for the oral exam, so I let my mouth recite the books from muscle memory. It went smoothly. I also practiced five essay topics and rewrote them multiple times. When I saw the real essay topic on the written exam, I was able to connect it to my practice topics and use the content from those practice essays. Conclusion We will all face tests, interviews, and evaluations in our life, thus being able to ease our worries and remain calm is an essential skill. The next time you start worrying about your upcoming evaluation, reflect on these questions: Is my level of training enough? How is my life already good, regardless if I pass or not? How can I channel nervous energy productively? Weekly Wisdom #210

Recently, a friend invited me to his housewarming party. I politely declined because I have an upcoming exam about classical Chinese, and my classical Chinese abilities are still weak. He said, "Well, if your abilities are really weak, then would it matter if you skipped one day of studying?" At that time, I replied, "My teacher gave me a lot of homework, and I only get to see him once a week, so I want to make sure I finish all my homework before we meet on the weekend. But after my exam, we can catch up!" Later, I thought more about my friend's comment. Even if my abilities are weak, why should I cut myself slack? If I think, "Well, my abilities are weak anyway. Going to the party won't affect my chances of success," then I am basically looking for excuses to fail before the exam even happens. Would successful people do that? Image Source The Secret to Success I think the motto of a successful person is "Only find methods for success. Do not find excuses for failure." The mindset here is deep sincerity. They are single-mindedly dedicated towards that mission, purpose, or goal, and no obstacle can demoralize them. They view the task as something important and meaningful, so they push themselves to do it regardless if others push them or not. They are also willing to endure hardship for it. A classic example is a mother caring for her infant. The infant cannot orally communicate his needs, but the mother is single-mindedly focused on caring for the infant, so she can overcome the communication obstacle and sense his needs. Caring for an infant 24/7 is very tiring and hard, but the mother never thinks, "Oh this is so hard and tiring…Maybe I should quit…What if I can't do this…" All she is focused on is taking care of the infant. Although her body has to endure hardship, her mind is focused and positive. This kind of mindset applied to any goal is sure to succeed. On the other hand, insincere people only do things because other people push them to do it, but they themselves don’t really want to do it. As a result, they often do just enough to get by or to not get criticized, and they usually find excuses for failure rather than methods for success. The two most common excuses? Too hard. Too busy. Let's pause and think for a moment: Is there anything really worthwhile in life that is not difficult and that does not take a lot of time? How could it be that you are too busy to give time to your loved ones or to your health, but you have enough time for entertainment and hobbies? The way I see it, the real problem is not difficulty or time, it's simply our sincerity. If we are truly sincere, then we would be highly motivated and persistent in overcoming any and all obstacles thrown at us. We would build up our ability and find the required resources necessary for success. It's one thing to say "I failed at it because it wasn't my priority." It's another thing to say, "I failed because it's too hard…because I'm too busy…" Let's not deceive ourselves or others. Are we deeply and internally motivated? Or do others have to push us? Becoming More Sincere Now the big question is: How can we become more sincere? There isn't one right answer per se, but I learned from ancient philosophers that we should be motivated by gratitude, duty, and love. I'll use my classical Chinese studies as an example. Gratitude: I have already benefited greatly from the books of wisdom (such as Guide To A Happy Life and The Great Learning) left by Chinese ancestors, and I want to carry on their legacy to repay their gratitude. My parents and teachers also want me to do this, and I want to repay their gratitude. Duty: So few people in the world are learning ancient Chinese wisdom and are also fluent in English. Since so few people can do this important work, I feel a sense of responsibility to do it. Love: I like Buddhism's definition of love: "Give others happiness, and remove their suffering." I've gained a lot of happiness and wisdom from ancient Chinese philosophy, but I don't want to be the only happy person in the world; I wish others to be happy with me, so I naturally want to share these great teachings. Most of the content I write about now is related to ancient wisdom. Notice that someone who is sincere is also a good and virtuous person who will naturally attract the aid and favor of others. On the other hand, insincere people are entitled, irresponsible, and selfish. They think other people should do things for them, so they always wait for others rather than taking initiative themselves. If they do take action and make mistakes, they blame others or the outside world. When they encounter hardship, they don't have anyone or anything that they love to deeply motivate them, so they choose comfort, pleasure, and enjoyment over persistence. Is it any wonder insincere people fail? My Experience Back to my exam. I am confident that I will pass my exam…eventually. Why? Because I am self-motivated to learn classical Chinese. Although there are people who want me to learn it, I wouldn't be any less diligent if these people didn't exist. If I don't pass this year, I'll try again next year. If I don't pass next year, I'll try again the year after. Is it hard? Totally. It is like trying to learn Shakespeare…in Chinese…. Even native Chinese speakers find it hard, let alone a native English speaker like me. When I first started learning, it took me hours to read a short story, and my writing was full of mistakes. But those mistakes didn't demoralize me. I view mistakes as opportunities for learning and advancement; they are a necessary part of the journey to success. Is it tiring? Well, I would say it is time-consuming, but I don't feel like it is super unpleasant or a burden to learn. Rather, I feel like it is something important and meaningful to do. Although I (like everyone) am very busy, I make time for it. I even sacrifice sleep for it. Conclusion No matter our situation, we all are trying to succeed at various things in life, such as Having good relationships Attaining career success Getting healthy Quitting a bad habit Learning a new skill Starting a passion project Whatever your goal, purpose, or mission is, ask yourself, "How sincere am I about this? How can I become more sincere?" Weekly Wisdom #209

Today marks the four year anniversary of The Weekly Wisdom Newsletter! In honour of this milestone, I want to summarize my top four short-form and long-form blog posts of the year. I gained joy and insight by reviewing past wisdoms, and I hope you do too! The short-form ones are quick-reads to inspire and arouse our thinking: 1: Fifty Fun Jokes That Don't Make Fun of Others We can all use more laughter in our lives, and I accumulated a list of jokes that are both funny and respectful, so they can be used safely at work or with children. 2: Are You a Carrot, Egg, or Coffee Bean? A short story to help us shift our perspective towards hardship and challenges. 3: Don't Judge Decisions Based on Outcomes A short anecdote about a decision I made and how I almost got really upset at the results. 4: Socrates' Donkey Story A story within a story about Socrates and a donkey. The long-from posts are in-depth and used to solve major problems in life, and I picked 1: Ten Reasons We Get Angry and Their Solutions 2: Follow The Middle Way to Get Peace and Happiness 3: The Enlightened Mind 4: Guide To A Happy Life - Book Summary Below are some more details on the long-form posts. 1: Ten Reasons We Get Angry and Their Solutions Being angry is like holding onto a ball of fire; we get burned first. For people who are prone to anger, annoyance, and complaints, treating this problem will bring such a big boost to our quality of life. Although I don't get angry per se, I do get annoyed pretty easily, and annoyance is a milder form of anger. I also argue with my mother about small things. I spent many months this past year to reduce my arrogance and annoyance, and I summarized my learnings in this article. Essentially, we need to reduce our arrogance, entitlement, and self-centeredness, and improve our humility, appreciation, and kindness. 2: Follow The Middle Way to Get Peace and Happiness Before learning about the Middle Way, I often viewed things as either good or bad. I tried to get more of the good things and rid the bad things. The Middle Way states that things are not good or bad inherently. They are only bad if we have too much or too little, or if we use them incorrectly. Things are good if we use the right amount and in the right manner. This was a big perspective change for me. In my blog post, I applied The Middle Way to emotions, desire, challenges, personality traits, speech, health, wealth, and time management. 3: The Enlightened Mind Another big learning for me in the past year is that when I encounter problems and difficulties in life, I shouldn't just focus on finding a "solution" to the problem. Why? Because finding a "solution" usually means trying to change the outside circumstances, but outside circumstances are outside my control, which will only lead to more frustration. Wise people focus on changing their mind and thinking first. Then their actions will naturally change, and the outside world will respond accordingly. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 In the blog post, I explain five aspects of The Enlightened Mind: sincerity, purity, equality, wisdom, compassion. When our thoughts and emotions are aligned with these five aspects, we can solve any problem, and our actions will naturally attract a better and happier future. 4: Guide To A Happy Life - Book Summary Of all the books I have read in my life, this one is probably the one that has had the biggest impact. It is short, simple, and sweet. After all, it was written for children. But its simple instructions and teachings have deep wisdom, and practicing them in our daily lives will improve our happiness, relationships, productivity, and success. In the blog post, I summarize five virtues taught in the book: filial piety (respect parents), carefulness, trustworthiness, benevolence, and humility. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 For each virtue, the book gives many daily actions to practice, which then cultivates those virtues. It really is like a training manual. I have been practicing this book for over a year now, and my happiness levels and relationships with my family have improved significantly. I also taught this book to students in a high school leadership course, and they also told me many great stories about the positive impact that these teachings had for them. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend it! Conclusion Whether you are a long-time reader or a new visitor, I appreciate you, and I commend you on seeking wisdom to improve your life and the lives of others. We are not alone in our mission to improve the world, and I will continue doing my small part. Cheers to another wonderful and wise year to come! Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #208

(Originally Published on October 11, 2020) Hi All! This week marks the 2-year anniversary of this newsletter! I hope you've gained at least two useful pieces of wisdom that you personally used in your life 🤭 A year ago, a good friend told me "I'd like to share your newsletter but it's weird to forward an email and tell somebody to email you. You should have a website where people can subscribe to." So in honour of the 2-year anniversary, I've finally made a website for this newsletter! I'm still working on uploading all the past newsletter onto the site, but you can check it out here: https://alexchen373.wixsite.com/weeklywisdom Ok so, onto this week's newsletter. I recently listened to a conversation between Jay Shetty and John and Julie Gottman, and it was probably the best scientific relationship advice I've ever heard, and I've researched a lot of advice on this subject. It was so good that I wrote a whole blog post on it. In this newsletter, I'll just share five myths and truths about love and dating, all rooted in scientific research. Myth 1: The two people need to be compatible in as many ways as possible. Truth 1: It helps to have shared values and maybe goals, but that’s about it. People can be very different and still have wonderful relationships. Myth 2: The two people have to be equal in level of attractiveness. Truth 2: Most of sexual attraction has to do with pheromones, which are chemicals that you smell almost unconsciously. There’s a famous pheromones T-shirt study where women smelled the T-shirts of men and rated how much they liked that smell. The women ended up liking the smell of men whose immune systems are most different from theirs. Furthermore, when these women later met all those men, they indeed liked the men who’s T-shirts smelled better to them compared to the men whose T-shirts they didn’t like the smell of. Myth 3: You have to have the same interests to like each other. Truth 3: It’s about how you RELATE to each other’s interests. Regardless of what interests each person has, it’s important to enjoy each other’s company, be open-minded, be playful when relating to each other’s interests. Myth 4: I should look for someone who's cool and plays hard-to-get. Truth 4: Actually, someone who plays hard-to-get is a big red flag. If you are attracted to that, it might be because that's what you're familiar with from your caregivers. But know that it's not a good idea to seek that in a partner. If someone does not keep their word to you over and over again, end it. You don't deserve that. Myth 5: If it's true love, I should feel a painful desire for that person. Truth 5: If you think that, you've been misled by movies and pop music. What you should look for is a person with substance and character. Look at how they treat a waiter, a server, a sales clerk who is delayed or can’t meet their needs. Are they understanding, courteous, patient, kind? Or are they acting all superior and cutting them down? That’s a great way to know the nature of someone’s inner being. If this topic really interests you, check out my blog post on it. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving and a wise week ahead!

Are you happy? Do you have long-lasting happiness that stays with you throughout your whole day, or temporary pleasure that dies quickly? Image Source Modern society teaches people to chase fleeting pleasures, such as checking social media, eating junk food, playing video games, watching TV, or shopping. As a result, people crave these things like drug addicts, and craving is suffering. When we finally do these things, we get a temporary pleasure, but afterwards, we get an emotional low, which is more suffering. So what is true happiness then? True happiness is long-lasting, and long-lasting happiness comes from being a good person. When we are a good person, everyone is happy to interact with us, so all our relationships are happy. When we are a good person, we can look at ourselves in the mirror without any sense of shame or guilt but rather with self-confidence and self-worth. When we are a good person, we radiate positive energy and make the world around us a better place. So how can we be a good person and have true happiness? Well, we need to build a virtuous character, and that’s where Guide to A Happy Life, also called Di Zi Gui (弟子规), comes in. What is Di Zi Gui? If you have not heard of Di Zi Gui before, you surely have heard of Confucius. Confucius is perhaps the most well-known and wise teacher of China, and his teachings have been passed on for 2500 years! Di Zi Gui takes the most important essence of Confucius’s teachings and puts it into an easy-to-understand form that even children can understand. That’s like trying to explain rocket science to a little kid. Only an outstanding teacher could do that, so Di Zi Gui is truly an amazing book. In short, Di Zi Gui teaches us five main virtues: Filial Piety: being a good son or daughter Carefulness: being caring and respectful towards all tasks and matters, no matter how small. Trustworthiness: having good faith, integrity, humility, and carefulness. Loving Kindness: wanting the best for all people without any conditions or expectations. Humility: always seeking to improve our virtues and being appreciative of criticism. Think about it: If you can’t even have a good relationship with your parents, can you truly have a good relationship with anyone else? If your relationships are full of conflict, will you be happy? If you lack carefulness and often make mistakes, will you be happy or successful? If people don’t trust you, they will avoid you or bring you down. Can you be happy or successful then? If you aren’t loving and kind towards others, will others be loving and kind towards you? If you are scared of criticism and don’t try to improve yourself, will your life get any better or happier? Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 From these questions, we can see that having a virtuous character is the key to not just happiness but also success. Our life is determined by our actions. Our actions are determined by our thoughts. Our thoughts are determined by our character. This book has become especially influential in China. In 2004, a large company in Shenzhen published a job posting in the newspaper for a senior manager position. The salary was 180,000 RMB per year, and one of the requirements for the job was to be able to recite Di Zi Gui. This job posting spurred many parents and teachers to study Di Zi Gui and realize how important its teachings were and how leaders need to role model its lessons. The book has seven chapters, which the rest of this article will summarize. (You can click on the chapter to jump to that section). Filial Piety Siblinghood Carefulness Trustworthiness Broadly Love All Get Close to Virtuous People With Spare Time, Study Good Literature You can read the e-book here (free for distribution). Chapter 1: Filial Piety Filial piety means being a good child. Another way to explain filial piety is being grateful to the people that we owe most gratitude to, which for most of us is our parents. There’s a Chinese proverb that says, “Among a hundred virtues, filial piety is the first.” Why? Let me explain with a quick example. Many charity organizations save poor people from starvation, but strangely enough, the more money they gave to some poor people, the less grateful these people were. In fact, they seemed to just expect it. They asked an old monk why this was happening, and the old monk replied, “If they aren’t even grateful to their parents, why would they be grateful to you?” We can extend the same idea further. If a child is lazy and doesn’t respond to their parents’ requests at home, can you expect them to be diligent and attentive at work? If a child often argues with their parents, can you expect them to be humble and harmonious with anyone else? If the person you are dating lies to their parents, can you believe that they will not tell lies to you? It’s thanks to our parents that we even exist in this world. They also took care of us tirelessly when we were helpless little infants. They gave us unconditional love for so many years, so it’s most natural and easy for us to give back unconditional love to parents. If a person cannot give unconditional love and respect to parents, then they can’t do so to anyone else. Their love and respect will always be selfish: If you can benefit them, they will treat you well, and if you cannot benefit them, they won’t treat you well. It all goes back to how they treat their parents! Now that we see the importance of filial piety, let’s look at some of the teachings from this chapter: When my parents call me, I will respond right away. When my parents ask me to do something, I will do it promptly. When my parents try to teach me something, I will listen respectfully. When my parents criticize me, I will accept it respectfully. What is good for my parents, I will do my best to provide. What is bad for my parents, I will do my best to eliminate. If my body gets hurt, my parents will worry. If my virtues are bad, my parents will be ashamed. If my parents have faults, I will encourage them to improve in a warm and gentle manner. If they don’t accept my encouragement, I will try again when they are happy. Respecting loving parents is easy. Respecting harsh parents is true filial piety. Let’s pretend we are the CEO of that big business in Shenzhen. We can see why filial piety is important! We hope our employees will respond to messages and do their tasks promptly listen to criticism respectfully try to provide what is best for the company and get rid of anything bad for the company have good virtues and not bring a bad name to the company advise their leaders to improve in a warm and gentle manner In fact, a teacher hopes the students will behave this way. A person hopes their husband or wife will behave this way. A president hopes his citizens will behave this way. Any leader hopes their followers will behave this way. All of these virtues start at home with how the child treats the parents. Chapter 2: Siblinghood Siblinghood means being a good brother or sister. Siblinghood can be seen as an extension of filial piety since being a good sibling is part of being a good child. The way we treat our siblings is going to be very similar to how we treat other people around the same level as us, such as our classmates at school and colleagues at work. Parents hope all their children will support each other, and leaders hope all their followers will support each other. Let’s look at some of the teachings from Chapter 2: Older siblings should be friendly towards younger ones. Younger siblings should be respectful towards older ones. When siblings are harmonious, they are being filial. Treat material things lightly, then resentment won’t arise. Hold back hurtful words, then anger will naturally fade. Whether it be eating, sitting, or getting up, let elders go first, then juniors follow. When calling elders, use proper titles of respect. When in front of elders, do not show off. Treat all parents as your own parents. Treat all siblings as your own siblings. Anyone who is older or has a higher position than us is considered an elder, while anyone who is younger or has a lower position is considered a junior. It is natural for elders to take care of juniors and for juniors to respect elders, so the teachings here accord with logic and natural human sentiment. Letting elders go first and addressing them by proper titles such as “Mister” or “Misses” are all ways we show respect. Treating material things lightly means valuing relationships and human sentiment more than objects. For example, sometimes siblings will go to court to try to get more of their deceased parents’ property. When siblings compete and fight over material objects like that, it will make the parents very sad and bring shame to the family name. If everyone loved each other as members of their own family, the same way a filial child loves parents, then imagine how peaceful and happy the world would be! It all starts with us being filial at in our homes. Chapter 3: Carefulness Once we’ve developed our filial piety and siblinghood, we’ve developed a heart of love and respect towards people. Carefulness is about being caring and respectful towards tasks and matters. We are always doing things for people (even ourselves), so being careful towards tasks is an extension of our respect towards people (or ourselves). Let’s look at some of the teachings from Chapter 3: Get up early and go to bed at a reasonable time. Knowing how time flies, we should treasure every day. When it comes to clothes, care about cleanliness not extravagance. Whether at work or at home, wear what is appropriate for the situation. Towards food and drinks, don’t be picky. Eat enough, not excess. When turning corners, leave ample space. Hold empty containers as if they are full. Don’t rush things. Haste makes mistakes. Don’t be afraid of difficult tasks, and don’t be careless with easy tasks. Stay away from bad influences. Don’t be curious about them. From this chapter, we can see that we need to be careful with our time (#1), clothes (#2), food (#3), body (#4), tasks (#4 and #5), and environment (#6). Small matters are a big deal because how we do anything is how we do everything. Chapter 4: Trustworthiness Confucius said, “Untrustworthy people cannot succeed.” That's because trustworthiness is the foundation for relationships, and relationships are the foundations of our interdependent society. If a person lacks trustworthiness, no one would want to interact with them, let alone be friends with them, hire them, or do business with them. This person would face many struggles in life, and they certainly wouldn’t have a happy life. Many people misunderstand trustworthiness to simply mean honesty. But someone who is bluntly honest is inconsiderate and careless. How can you trust such a person? Trustworthiness requires good faith, integrity, humility, and carefulness. 1: Good Faith Good faith is about wanting the best for the other person. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." For example, you hope your doctor is giving you a medicine because it is the best medicine for you, not because the doctor can make extra money by selling you that medicine. We only trust people if we believe they have our best intentions at heart, not their own selfish intentions. That’s why the filial piety chapter taught us, “What is good for my parents, I will do my best to provide. What is bad for my parents, I will do my best to eliminate.” 2: Integrity Integrity is about doing the right thing even when the matter is small and no one is watching. For example, if someone breaks a small promise, can you trust them to keep a big promise? If you see someone is lazy and careless when no one important is watching, can you trust them to do important jobs? Integrity is also about walking your talk. For example, if you tell someone "I love you", do your daily actions and calendar prove your words? If we say one thing but do another, how can anyone trust us? Actions speak louder than words. We only trust people if they show integrity. That’s why Chapter 1 taught us, “No matter how small the matter, I must not act unethically. If my virtues are bad, my parents will be ashamed.” 3: Humility No one is perfect, and we're all going to make mistakes in life. If a person is arrogant, won't listen to criticism, and can't admit their mistakes, how can you trust them with important tasks? Aside from always trying to improve yourself, humility also includes acknowledging and taking responsibility for one's mistakes. That’s why the Chapter 1 taught us, “When my parents criticize me, I will accept it respectfully.” 4: Carefulness Earlier, we looked at how carefulness is about doing all things, especially the small things, with care. As the common adage goes, "How you do anything is how you do everything." Hence all of Chapter 3 applies to trustworthiness as well. After all, if someone often makes mistakes in small tasks, how can you trust them with big tasks? Examples of Trustworthiness Now that we understand what trustworthiness entails, let’s look at some examples from Chapter 4: Whatever I speak, trustworthiness comes first. What I don’t know for sure, I will not say. If I am asked to do something inappropriate, I should not carelessly agree. If I do, then I will be wrong whether I keep or break that promise. Some people like to gossip about others. It’s none of my business; I will not gossip. If my clothes and food are not as good as others, I will not be bothered. When I see other people’s good points, I will learn from their goodness. Even though I may be far from them now, I can gradually catch up. When I see other people’s bad points, I will reflect on myself. If I have the same vice, I will fix it. If not, I will guard against it. If I get angry when hearing criticisms and happy when hearing praise, then bad people will come and good people will leave. If I am uneasy when hearing praise and happy when hearing criticisms, then good people will come. Doing wrong unintentionally is simply a mistake. Doing wrong intentionally is a crime. If I can correct my mistake, then it is gone. If I hide my mistake, then I add a further crime on top. From these teachings, we can see that trustworthiness requires us to have good faith (#1, #3), integrity (#2, #7), humility (#4, #5, #6), and carefulness (#2, #4). Chapter 5: Broadly Love All After we’ve cultivated our trustworthiness, we can establish ourselves in society. People will trust us in relationships and with matters. This chapter raises the standard higher, telling us to love all people, to focus on giving in relationships, and to help others improve their virtues. This is the virtue of loving kindness. Most people have conditional love: If I like you, I will treat you well. If you can benefit me, I will treat you well. If you make me upset, I won't treat you well. Conditional love is based in selfishness. Loving kindness is unconditional love, regardless if the other person treats me well or not, regardless if they can benefit me or not. It's like how a mother loves her child despite all of the child's imperfections. People who treat others badly often weren’t treated with enough love growing up, so if we want to influence them to be kind, we need to return their mean behavior with kind behavior. Love begets more love, kindness begets more kindness. If we are only nice to people who are nice to us, then that’s conditional love. If we can be kind to those who are mean to us, then that is true virtue. Let’s look at some of the teachings from Chapter 5: I should love all people, for we all live on the same Earth and under the same sky. Whatever abilities I have, I should use to help others. Whatever abilities others have, I should not look down on. When sharing things, be clear on who gets what. Give more to others and take less for yourself. I should broadcast other people’s virtues; that itself is a virtue. I should not broadcast other people’s faults; that itself is a fault. Whatever I impose on others, first ask if I want to be treated that way. If not, then don’t do it to others. I will hold the kindness of others in my heart and forget grudges. I will spend my time repaying kindness rather than holding grudges. If I force others, their hearts will not be with me. If I am reasonable with others, they will have nothing to reject. As we can see, the chapter tells us to widen our hearts, to love all people, to treat others the way we want to be treated, to be sensitive to other people's feelings, to praise others, and to repay kindness. When we treat others this way, how can we not have happy and loving relationships? Chapter 6: Get Close to Virtuous People People are heavily influenced by the environment and people around them. Therefore, if we want to have a happy life and build a virtuous character, we need to surround ourselves with virtuous influences and remove any negative influences. This doesn’t just mean choosing virtuous friends. It also means choosing virtuous books to read, virtuous videos to watch, and virtuous social media accounts to follow. We don’t want bad things going into our bodies, so naturally we don’t want bad things going into our minds. This chapter is very short. It teaches us While we are all people, we are not all the same. Most people are ordinary. Few people have great virtues. If I can get close to virtuous people, the benefits are limitless. If I get close to non-virtuous people, the harm is limitless. As mentioned earlier, our life is decided by our actions, our actions are decided by our thoughts, and our thoughts are decided by our character. That’s why spending time with virtuous influences brings limitless benefit, and bad influences bring limitless harm. We can use the virtues mentioned in Di Zi Gui as criteria for selecting virtuous versus negative influences. If someone is spreading filial piety, carefulness, trustworthiness, kindness, humility, and integrity, then we can let them into our mind. If they are spreading selfishness, arrogance, anger, deceit, hypocrisy, wastefulness, and disrespect, then we should block them out of our minds. Chapter 7: With Spare Time, Study Good Literature This chapter tells us after we complete our necessary work and duties, we should use our remaining time and energy to study good literature. In this case, “good literature” refers to virtuous books. The chapter also explains to us that a proper learning attitude requires us to be respectful, careful, and humble. Let’s look at some of the teachings from this chapter: If I learn but don’t act on the learnings, I am being superficial. If I act but don’t keep learning, I don’t truly understand. Set a large chunk of time for study, then study diligently. When my efforts mature, I will understand thoroughly. If I am confused, I should note down my question, then ask a person who has the expertise to answer my question. I will keep my room tidy, my desk organized, and my utensils properly placed. Do not be harsh on myself nor give up on myself. With dedication and training, I too can become a virtuous and noble person! Applying what we learn into real life is extremely important because if you don't apply what you learn, you don't get any benefits, and your understanding might even be wrong. Especially since we are learning about virtues, if we simply know theories about virtues but don’t actually improve our own virtues, then we are actually growing our arrogance, which will harm us in the future. If we are learning about knowledge such as math, science, social sciences, history, etc., always think about how you can use this knowledge in your future job, and how that future job is important for society. As for the learning process, we need to be diligent and patient; we must not give up too early. Learning is like boiling water. From 0 to 99 degrees, the water still looks like nothing is happening, but as soon as it hits 100 degrees, the bubbles start rolling. Learning is the same, so we must not give up halfway. Even if learning seems difficult at times, we must not be harsh nor give up on ourselves. Indeed, with dedication and training, we can all become virtuous and noble people! My Experience with this Guide to A Happy Life I first read Guide to A Happy Life when my mother gave it to me a couple years after I graduated university. When I first read the book, I was very skeptical. I thought, “Listen to parents? But what if parents are wrong? What if they don’t know what is best?” Clearly, I was very arrogant back then. Fortunately, my mother introduced me to the Guide to A Happy Life Lecture Series by Mr. Cai. I was studying for the HSK 5 Chinese test (advanced Chinese) at the time, so I thought watching these videos would be a good way to improve my Chinese. After I watched the first episode, I felt like Mr. Cai was very wise, and I wanted to learn from him. I loved how Mr. Cai shared so many real stories to illustrate each line in the book and how he made the lines relevant to modern society. Later, I ended up watching his 40-hour lecture series three times! One day, I had a realization: A lot of my unhappiness and stress in life was due to my conflict with family. The root of my problem was lack of filial piety. Deep down in my heart, I didn’t respect my parents. I also remembered struggling to figure out how to bring out a heart of respect towards my parents like the people in Mr. Cai’s stories. There was no quick fix. I simply practiced the lines in Di Zi Gui, such as standing to attention when my mother entered the room, or replying her as soon as she said something, or doing things as soon as she asked. Initially, my mother felt it was weird, but she knew I was trying to practice Di Zi Gui, so she encouraged me, and she also decided to practice Di Zi Gui herself, which I admired. Over time, my accumulated actions helped me believe that I value filial piety, and that changed me into becoming more filial. We gradually had much less conflict and much more harmony at home. I also reflected on the influences around me and realized I consumed a lot of negative media. My social media posts were mostly of people showing off their delicious food or amazing vacations or new clothes, or people complaining about things, so I deleted all those negative influences and followed positive ones from inspiring authors and speakers. I also spent a lot of free time playing video games, but I realized these games were teaching me greed, conflict, and arrogance because I was always trying to win and be better than others in these games. Hence, I quit gaming and used my free time to read virtuous books instead. I found that studying virtuous books brings me long-lasting happiness and purifies my mind of negative thoughts and emotions. Since Di Zi Gui had benefitted me and my family so much, I incorporated its teachings into the Business Leadership course I was teaching at school. I told the students to pick 5-10 lines and recite them every morning and night for two weeks, just like I did, and then journal about the changes that happened in their life. I was very surprised and touched to hear many of the stories that the students shared regarding their virtues improving, which is why I always for opportunities to share this book to more people! To help bring these teachings to life, I also compiled a short story book called A Story Book of Virtues. Each story only takes a few minutes to read, so I encourage you to read one story a day. Using the Guide to a Happy Life in Your Life To summarize, this guide teaches us five main virtues: filial piety, carefulness, trustworthiness, loving kindness, and humility. If you are interested in further readings about these five virtues, check out these articles: Filial Piety: The Greatest Goodness Carefulness: Be Careful About These Six Things! Trustworthiness: Trust is a Must or Your Relationship Will Bust Loving Kindness: The Highest Love Humility: Fortune Favors the Humble It's worth saying again: Our life is decided by our actions, our actions are decided by our thoughts, and our thoughts are decided by our character. If we can establish these five virtues, we set the foundation for a happy and successful life. Another way to think about our character is our accumulated habits. Some who always practices respect from a young age has built the virtue (good habit) of respect, so now, their thoughts automatically are respectful. Someone who practiced arrogance from a young age has built the vice (bad habit) of arrogance, so now, their thoughts automatically are arrogant. The good news is that habits can be changed, so our character can be changed! Habit research shows people generally need a couple weeks to a couple months to change a habit. Remember: It’s not enough to know virtues, we have to DO virtues. It’s also not enough to do virtues once or twice, we have to do them every day until it becomes a habit! To start, I recommend you to pick 1-3 lines for each of the 5 virtues. In the morning, read your Di Zi Gui lines out loud to remind yourself you want to do them today. Before bed, record in a diary all the things you did that support those virtues or go against those virtues. Try it for 2 weeks. If you don’t want to use a paper journal, I made a Daily Self-Inspection document that you can use: This document has the whole year, so you can just start on whichever day you get this document. Everyday, you can give yourself 1 point for every virtuous deed you do, or a -1 point for negative action you do. You can add a comment to explain why you got that +1 or -1 point by right-clicking any box and then clicking “New Comment.” Whenever you give yourself a -1 point, you should also note down how you can prevent the same mistake next time. I suggest setting a goal for each day, such as 3 virtuous deeds per day. Once you get better and better, you can increase that goal. If you journal about your virtues for 2 weeks, you will surely notice your life getting happier and better!