Rather than praying for pleasure, people, or phenomena, pray for inner strength and wisdom. About a month ago, I read this quote in The Daily Stoic, and I’ve been going back to it over and over again. I find it such a profound, insightful, and rich quote: "Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'" —Marcus Aurelius, Stoic Emperor When we encounter problems, inconveniences, or difficulties, most of us instinctively put our focus on the external thing. The problem is, we cannot control external things; we can only control our mind and our actions. Desire and demand towards external things is what causes us suffering. Instead of praying or desiring for these external things to be different, we should instead seek the internal strength and wisdom to handle it effectively. Image Source Example 1: Pleasure Marcus Aurelius said, Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' I reflected: Instead of wishing I had the stomach to eat more of this delicious food, or the time to watch another episode of this drama, or the money to buy that nice-to-have thing, instead I should ask myself, “How can I have the peace of mind that is unmoved by external and temporary things? This is why I am such a big fan of philosophy. In the past, I always sought temporary external pleasures, which left me craving for more afterwards. But philosophy taught me to access internal joy through being a good person and helping others. This internal joy is in my control, and it makes my life and the life of others better and better. Example 2: People Marcus Aurelius said, Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' I reflected: Instead of praying for other people to be better, pray for myself to be better able to deal with all sorts of people. Before, I always focused on the other person’s problems and how THEY need to change. But that just creates misery for the both of us. Philosophy taught me that whenever people or things don’t go according to our hopes, we need to reflect on our mistakes and how we could’ve done better. Image Source For example, I used to always get upset when people misunderstood me as being careless or having negative intentions when I was actually trying to be thoughtful or had positive intentions. Eventually, I learned that misunderstandings are inevitable. No one can read your mind. I misunderstand others too. Therefore, rather than wanting others to understand me or have the carefulness to check that they understood me, I should just ask myself to be OK with people misunderstanding me, and then I can kindly and patiently communicate with them to correct misunderstandings. Next time, I would try to communicate better to avoid the same mistake. Some others are rude, disrespectful, untrustworthy, etc., but that’s their situation, why must I get upset? Or even worse, become a demanding tyrant, ordering them to become “good” right away? It is normal to encounter difficult people in life. Rather than demanding others to change, I should ask myself to be a good enough influence and role model that could inspire them to change over the long-run. Example 3: Phenomena Marcus Aurelius said, “Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'” I reflected: Instead of asking for something to happen or not happen, how can I be fine either way? How can I make good use of either outcome? For example, I have an upcoming test and interview for a university program I applied for. To be honest, I don’t feel I have the ability yet to pass my upcoming university interview and test, which is less than a month away. Despite this, I don't feel anxious or worried because I prepared my mindset properly right from the beginning. What is my intention for applying to this university program? To make my parents happy and to serve the world better. If I pass, great. If not, that's good too. I can still do lots of other things to make my parents happy and to serve this world, and I have the patience to apply again next year. I will judge myself based on my effort, not on the result. Not passing would only affect my ego, which seeks pleasure from external prestige. I like the analogy given in the book Think Like a Monk: we have a Monkey Mind (the ego) and a Monk Mind (wise mind). When our ego is strong, our wisdom is weak. Philosophy helps us train our wise mind, then the ego naturally becomes weaker. Through the process of preparing for this test and interview, I care more about training my mind as opposed to the final outcome. Conclusion What is something external that you want? How can you change that desire to be internal? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #207

Hey there, thanks for being here with me right now. It's Thanksgiving in Canada where I live, so in honour of this special day, let's talk about gratitude! Image Source Gratitude isn't just a nice-to-have feeling. Did you know that gratitude improves our happiness, relationships, immunity, sleep quality, and stress resilience? If there was a pill that could do all of this, it would be a best seller! But gratitude is even better than a pill. It is free and accessible to us anytime, anywhere. Image Source In honor of Thanksgiving 2022, I reflected on 22 things I'm grateful for this year. I start with family, then teachers, then friends, then work, then others. Mom Dad Grandma Grandpa Mentor Doctor Rudy Flora Xun Venerable Jing Kong Sinology workshop Julia Margaret Adrian Principal Students Mr. Wei Challenges Philosophy Books Beans My local vegan restaurants You! (Blog Readers) A lot of these things are highly specific to me and may not be relatable to others, but my goal is simply to inspire you to reflect on what you are grateful for. Throughout the process of writing my gratitude down, I felt so blessed and fortunate, so I highly recommend you to try it too. 1: Mom There are countless things I am thankful to my mom for, but I'll just mention some major things from 2022. In the past, I used to do garden work and cooking with my mom. This year, I've been busy studying for a university program, so my mom voluntarily took over all the garden work and cooking to give me more time. I feel very blessed to eat fresh garden vegetables every day, cooked with love from my mother. Over the summer, I was attending a month-long workshop that required me to attend class in China time. My mom not only supported me, but she also attended some of these classes and discussed the content with me, so we bonded over the workshop too. Aside from that, my mom often summarizes what she learns and shares them with me. In May, I got food poisoning. She took care of me and followed my doctor's instructions to help me recover sooner. That included cupping. Since that incident, I got interested in cupping, and my mom lets me do it for her, and she does it for me. So I am also thankful for that food poisoning incident because I learned cupping as a result, which improved blood circulation and overall health for my mom and myself. 2: Dad I don't live with my dad, so I don't see him often. But this year, I am thankful to him for being supportive of my desire to apply for a sinology program, delivering groceries to us, always telling us to decide the food and order whatever we want to eat whenever we eat together, and teaching me the importance of planning and being organized in life. 3: Grandma My grandma is in China, so our interactions mostly happen via messaging and the occasional phone call. This year, I am thankful to her for sending lots of stories and videos on being a good person. Whenever we chat, she always assures us that she is healthy and happy, and that as long as I'm happy, she is happy too. 4: Grandpa He lives with us and is super easygoing. Whenever we go out to eat, he always lets us choose the restaurant and pick the food. He often buys little gifts like food or household items. One time, I accidentally scratched some paint off the car. I felt really bad about it, but he did not get upset. I am very grateful to have a great grandpa like him. 5: Mentor In May, I met my Chinese philosophy teacher named Mr. Liao, who is well-versed in Buddhism, Confucianism, and Daoism. When we understand philosophy correctly, then we can apply it properly in our lives. When we apply philosophy properly, we gain happiness, peace of mind, harmonious relationships, productivity, and success. Thanks to his teachings, I've gained a lot in all those aspects. He hosts a discussion class every week, and I've learned so much from his classes. Before, I was self-studying, and I felt like I was improving at a steady pace. After joining his class, I felt like my rate of improvement accelerated dramatically, and I realized the importance of having a good teacher. Aside from just being a teacher, he is also a mentor. He helped me with some big life decisions, and I can really feel his care for me and his efforts to give me a bright future. 6: Doctor Also in May, I met a doctor named Dr. Liu, who is adept in both Chinese and Western medicine. She actually lives in the US, but she discovered me through my blog posts on Chinese medicine and then reached out to me. After some email exchanges, we met through video chat. Before I met her, I self-learned some Chinese Medicine theory and experimented with them in my life. I certainly saw health improvements for my mother and I, but after I received Dr. Liu's guidance, our improvement accelerated drastically, just like my situation with my philosophy learning and Mr. Liao. I feel so blessed to have a wise mentor and a stellar doctor! Furthermore, Dr. Liu offered to guide me in my Chinese medicine studies. She takes time out of her busy schedule to chat with me one-on-one, and she recommended a textbook that she used to teach. I'm reading the book now, and I report my learnings to her every week. I feel my understanding of Chinese medicine theory is getting better and better. She is also extremely caring and virtuous. When my blood test results showed that I was deficient in some vitamins, I asked to buy supplements through her to support her clinic. But she told me to buy from another website rather than through her because the price is more experience through her (I think it's because I live in Canada). 7: Rudy We met last year in a summer workshop about sinology. Afterwards, he reached out to me, and we got along very well. He is more senior and experienced than me in philosophy, so he helped me a lot in my studies and practice of philosophy. He is also the person who introduced me to Mr. Liao's class. I am super grateful to him for reaching out to me and then connecting me with a wise teacher. 8: Flora We also met last year in that summer workshop, and she also took initiative to reach out to me. She wanted to improve her English, so I helped her with that, and she helped me practice my Chinese. Since we are applying for the same sinology program, she helped me with my preparation and got her friends to help too. I also enjoy chatting about philosophy with her. 9: Xun In June, I had to submit a classical Chinese autobiography for the university program I applied for. I basically had no ability in classical Chinese at the time, so I asked Flora to check over my draft, then Flora passed it along to Xun, who is already at the university I applied for, and he is top-of-his-class for classical Chinese. He not only corrected my horribly-written autobiography and provided lots of explanation, but he patiently answered my follow-up questions. Later, I asked to chat with him to ask for his opinion of whether or not a foreigner like me should properly learn classical Chinese. He explained to me how if I learned classical Chinese, I would be able to directly understand the classics without a translation, and a translation is like eating food that has been chewed by someone else. I was persuaded, so I asked him how I should learn. To my surprise, he offered to tutor me (he didn't use the word "teach" because he is very humble) once a week. At this point, I already experienced the value of having a great teacher and doctor, so I knew how lucky I was to receive this offer from a classical Chinese pro. I took him up on his offer, and I've learned so much over just a few months. If I were self-learning, I would definitely struggle a lot and maybe even give up. But Xun made learning classical Chinese feel do-able and interesting for me, and my rate of improvement is way faster than I expected. He is also well-versed in Chinese philosophy, and since all the ancient classics are recorded in classical Chinese, he will often talk about Chinese philosophy in our classes. Hence, I get to learn both classical Chinese and philosophy from him; two birds one stone! 10: Venerable Jing Kong This summer, Venerable Jing Kong passed away. I reflected on how if it wasn't for Venerable Jing Kong, my mother would not have learned Buddhism, and she would not have introduced me to Chinese philosophy. When I first started learning Buddhism, I watched Venerable Jing Kong's lectures, and helped me understand that Buddhism is not superstition, but rather an education on being a good person. The sinology program I applied for also exists thanks to Venerable Jing Kong, and I made so much progress in my self-cultivation throughout the process of preparing and applying for this program. A lot of the people I mentioned above are also due to the sinology program. 11: Sinology Workshop I am super thankful for the one-month summer workshop that I attended twice. The workshop is required for students who want to study in the sinology program I mentioned earlier, and it focuses on training our virtues and moral character. I actually attended this workshop last year, but I didn’t pass. However, I learned so much about how to be a better and more effective person from that workshop, and I applied the teachings over the past year. This summer, I attended again. The teachings are useful for my entire life, so it was great to get a refresher. I also passed this time, but even if I didn't pass, I would be happy to come back again and again. 12: Julia This past year, one of my university classmates named Julia heard that I was interested in Chinese philosophy, so she reached out to me. I had nobody to talk in English with about Chinese philosophy, so I was delighted to chat with Julia. She is still new to Chinese philosophy, so she asks lots of great questions that I had in the past, and her questions really helped me solidify my ability to explain and apply wisdom to solve real problems for real people other than myself. 13: Margaret Margaret is also a university classmate, and she was the person who recommended Julia to me. After Julia and I got on really well, I thanked Margaret, and we set up a catch-up call. I then found out that we were both reading The Daily Stoic this year, so I asked if she wanted to be Stoicism buddies. She agreed, and now we chat once a month about our learnings and Stoicism practice for that month. Having a buddy has made this book much more memorable and enjoyable! 14: Adrian We've been good friends since first-year of university. He and I both took lots of writing courses in university, but he actually became a professional writer, while I just write for my blog. He is always improving his craft, and when he was reading books on writing, he shared his notes with me. He is also a foody and photographer, so he gets invited by lots of restaurants to take photos for them. Whenever we meet up, he always takes me to great restaurants. This past year, I got to try Jamaican, Mediterranean, and French-Asian fusion restaurants thanks to him. I also asked him if he has an extra computer monitor by chance, and he gifted me his computer monitor! 15: Principal I work as a high school teacher, and I feel very blessed to have such a supportive and accommodating principal. She is always looking to make the teacher's lives easier, and she maintains great communication with all of us. Since I wanted more time to study for the sinology program that I applied for, I asked to only teach one class, and the principal supported me. She also helped me with some background work for the online courses I teach. 16: Students I am blessed to teach some great courses that I am passionate about, such as Grade 12 Business Leadership and Grade 10 Healthcare. Without my students, I would not have such opportunities. Moreover, every time I teach these courses, I get a review of the whole course. Students also bring their unique questions and challenges, which help me improve even more. 17: Mr. Wei Over the past year, I attended weekly classes hosted by the Canada DiZiGui Organization. The main one was the class on the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons hosted by Mr. Wei. This was the first recurring class I attended with my mother on a book related to Chinese philosophy, so it holds a special place in our hearts. We bonded a lot over it and learned lots from Mr. Wei. Later, Canada DiZiGui Organization invited a distinguished guest named Venereable Cheng De to Toronto, and Mr. Wei made special efforts to ensure I could attend the events and meet this guest. He also wrote a generous recommendation letter for my university program application. 18: Challenges I used to be a perfectionist with a fragile ego who was very afraid of making mistakes. Hence, I disliked challenges, obstacles, and difficulties. I wished life would just be smooth sailing all the time. This year, I'm starting to appreciate that challenges are what allow us to grow and improve, and growth and improvement give us long-lasting happiness. Rather than hoping for a life of no obstacles, I should hope for myself to be someone who can handle any obstacle. This was a big mental shift for me, and while I'm still working on it, it's had a great positive impact so far. 19: Philosophy Books This year, I've been learning and applying philosophy diligently in my life, specifically Buddhism, Stoicism, Confucianism, and Daoism. In my mind, all philosophies teach two things: wisdom and love. When we have wisdom, we think effectively. When we think effectively, we make good decisions. When we make good decisions, we gain happiness, harmonious relationships, and success. Wisdom should be channeled into love so that we help the people around us to be happy and make the world a better place. Specifically this year, I learned The Great Learning and The Record on Education. The Great Learning gave me a deeper understanding of how cultivating my own moral excellence relates to world peace, while The Record on Education taught me great principles and tips for being a better teacher. I'm also in the process of learning The Daily Stoic. 20: Beans Before, my mother and I ate mostly carbs (e.g., rice, wheat, root vegetables). Dr. Liu explained that eating only carbs makes it easy for us to get hungry, tired, and sleepy. She recommended we add more protein and fibre into our diet. However, we eat vegan, and I noticed that many vegan mock meats have a lot of artificial flavoring and preservatives, which aren't very healthy. We also ate little variety in our diet, so Dr. Liu recommended us to eat the five colors in Chinese medicine every day (the five colors are green, red, yellow, white, and black). Later, we found out dried beans are high in protein and fibre, and it was easy and cheap to buy beans in all five colors! We tried soaking and cooking beans in a slow cooker overnight. They saved us cooking time, tasted good, and helped us feel satiated much longer. I didn't feel the need to eat a snack in between breakfast and lunch, and I didn't get so sleepy after lunch. Now, we eat beans on a regular basis, and I am super thankful for them! Image Source 21: My Local Vegan Restaurants I have two really good vegan restaurants located near my home. Whenever I go out with my friends, I don't want them to feel deprived of delicious meat, but I also eat vegan, so these two restaurants are our go-to places. They've also told me that the food there is just as good, if not better, than real meat. 22: You! (Blog Readers) I am very grateful to all of you readers out there. Writing these blog articles are a way for me to clarify my thoughts and give me accountability to apply what I learn in my own life. Since I know there are people reading these articles, I work even harder to improve myself. I simply hope all of my readers can leave my blog feeling a little more happy, positive, and inspired. Conclusion As the saying goes, "It's not happiness that brings us gratitude. It's gratitude that brings us happiness." Gratitude is like a muscle that gets stronger the more we practice it. It is beneficial for both our mental and physical health, and it can give us happiness anytime, anywhere. What are some things you are grateful for this year? Try writing them out with specific details, and I'm sure you will feel more blessed and happy afterwards! Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #206

I am a big fan of good humor, and I think everyone would enjoy more laughter in their lives. I believe that good humor is respectful and does not make fun of others. Image Source A lot jokes might be funny but disrespectful, which has subtle but negative side effects on people's minds. For example, when I was young, I remember watching SpongeBob the Movie, and there was a big scene where everyone made fun of King Neptune's baldness. As a result, my friend and I started making fun of people's baldness by re-enacting that scene. The movie makers were trying to be funny, but the side effect was us little kids learning rude behavior. I also remember watching America's Funniest Home Videos, and a lot of those videos were of people getting hurt in "funny" ways. As a result, when I saw others get hurt in "funny" ways, my first reaction is to laugh. But that's quite rude and inhumane. If I got hurt, I'd want others to ask if I'm okay, not to laugh at me. Once I learned philosophy, I learned that philosophers also enjoy humor, in the sense that they don't like anything too seriously. They use good humor to enjoy life and to take care of their mind. However, they wouldn't tarnish their virtues with disrespectful humor. Over the years, I kept a record of good jokes that I've encountered, and today I'd like to share 50 jokes that I think are funny, respectful, and clever. Enjoy! General Jokes 1. Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at. 2. What starts with a W and ends with a T. It does, I swear! 3. Last night, I accidentally superglued my thumb and finger together… but don’t worry, it will be ok. 👌 4. Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs, and the average house cannot jump. 5. I sent my hearing aids in for repair 3 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything since. 6. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot because you can catch a cold. 7. What falls but never hits the ground? The temperature. 8. What stays in the corner but can still travel around the world? A stamp. 9. What has three letters and starts with gas? A car. 10. What goes up and down but doesn’t move? Stairs 11. How many cars can you put in an empty park? Only 1. After that it’s not empty. 12. What is the longest word in the dictionary? “Smiles” because there’s a mile between each “s”. 13. Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” 14. What’s a forklift? Food, usually. 15. A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two-by-fours. The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?” The guy answers, “A long time. We’re going to build a house.” Puns I personally love puns because they usually require some thinking and cleverness! 16. The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. 17. Can February March? No but April May. 18. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper. 19. What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas? Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one. 20. Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum. 21. Who built King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference. 22. 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat. 23. Did you hear that Larry got a new job working for Old Macdonald’s? He’s the new CIEIO. 24. Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot. 25. Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint? Me: I Excel at it. Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Me: Word. 26. Learn to spell… AutoCorrect isn’t always write. 27. Isn’t the Grand Canyon just gorges? 28. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh out loud? Ten-tickles. 29. Why did the Swedish navy start putty barcodes on their ships? So they can scan the navy in (Scandinavian). 30. Where do cows go for entertainment? The moo-vies. 31. What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain. 32. What’s the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth. 33. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis. 34. What type of music do rabbits like best? Hip-hop. 35. What kind of tree can you hold in one hand? A palm tree. 36. How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring process. 37. What did the spider do on the computer? She made a website. 38. What’s the loudest pet you can get? A trumpet. . 39. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador 40. What is a wizard’s favorite school subject? Spelling. 41. What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? It wooden go! 42. What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon aid. 43. Why are elevator jokes the best? Because they work on so many levels. 44. I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line. Image Source 45. How much did the shopkeeper sell dead batteries for? Nothing, they were free of charge. 46. What room has no walls? A mushroom 47. What did the mother green tea say to the baby green tea? I love you so matcha. 48. What makes music on your head? A headband. 49. What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday? Genes. 50. What did the monk master to his students as he was leaving? Have a Buddhaful day. Image Source That's all for now. If you have jokes that you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them! I a-peach-iate you, you're berry special, and I hope you avo nice day ahead! Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #202 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

This past week, I was talking to a friend about the virtues of yielding and humility. For example, if you and someone else both want something, you should yield to them. Or if you are arguing about an opinion, you should be humble instead of insisting you are right. She then brought up a really good criticism: Sometimes, if we keep yielding and being humble, the other person will grow in their arrogance, and we will become weak pushovers. Then they will bully us more and more in the future. Therefore, sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves and fight for what we believe in. What do you think about this topic? I'll share my thoughts, but these are by no means a definitive answer. In short, I think we need to follow The Middle Way. I like the way Aristotle explained this idea: "Anyone can get angry – that is easy – or spend money or give it away; but to do all this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right manner, is not a thing that everyone can do, and is not easy." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe applied The Middle Way to humility when he said, "It is a great failing to see yourself as more than you are. It is equally damaging to value yourself at less than your true worth." Excessive yielding and humility lead to being weak, holding grudges, and being insincere. A deficiency of yielding and humility leads to arrogance, conflicts, and anger. Following The Middle Way doesn't just mean the right amount of something, it also means doing it in the right way and in the right situation. That requires wisdom. Below, we'll discuss how to use yielding and humility wisely. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 1: Yielding When I think of "yielding", the analogy of water comes to my mind. Lao Zi said, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.” When we have a disagreement with someone, we could choose to argue and butt heads with them. That would be like rock hitting against rock; both rocks will get damaged. Alternatively, we could choose to be like water and flow around the problem, then neither of us gets hurt; Water accomplishes its goal by moving around the rock, and the rock just keeps on being itself. Example 1 To give an example, my friend said she wanted to go back to school for higher education, but her partner wasn't supportive. Yielding does not mean begrudgingly saying, "Fine, I won't do it. You win." If we do that, we will hold a lot of resentment in our heart, and that resentment will come out sooner or later. That's unwise. Instead, yielding might be asking the other person, "Why are you not supportive of my aspirations, and how can we resolve those worries?" "Under what conditions might you support me here?" "My broad goal is to XYZ. Do you support my goal? If so, do you see any other way I could achieve XYZ without getting higher education?" In other words, we don't butt heads with them. Instead, we find a way to achieve our goals without needing them to change. My Experience 1 To give a personal example, I want to go back to school to study sinology (Chinese philosophy). My father told me if I'm going to go back to school, I should do an MBA (Masters in Business Administration) so that I can join a big company and have a bigger impact on the world. If I were to argue with him, that would be rock fighting rock. Instead, I tried to show how my proposal achieves both our goals. He wants me to get an MBA to join a big company to have a bigger positive impact on the world. I explained that sinology focuses on morality and virtue education, which is highly needed in the business world and in society nowadays. I already have a bachelor's in business, so pairing that with sinology is a great combination. He was still reluctant, so I yielded more and said, "I know you want the best for my future, and I really think studying sinology is worth it. How about I try a one-year online course? This is not a big investment in terms of money or time. If it is great, I can keep studying it. If not, then I can let it go. And in the future, I can still get an MBA if it is useful to do so." Then he agreed. From that experience, I learned how it is important to be soft, yielding, and flexible when we have different views with others. 2: Humility Some people misunderstand humility to be looking down on yourself, as if you are lacking in value and ability. I like the way Ray Dalio explains humility in his book, Principles. He uses the terms "open-minded people" and "close-minded people", which I view to mean the same as "humble people" and "arrogant people". Dalio also said: "Open-mindedness doesn't mean going along with what you don't believe in; it means considering the reasoning of others instead of illogically holding onto your own point of view." "In a thoughtful disagreement, your goal is not to convince the other party that you are right—it is to find out which view is true and then decide what to do about it." "It requires you to replace your attachment to always being right with the joy of learning what's true." In other words, humble people are not trying to win the argument; Their goal is to find the best option for everyone, and their views are based on solid evidence, not on emotional opinion. Example 2 For example, my friend had a disagreement with her business partner about pricing. She thought the current pricing is fine, while her partner thought it should be higher. An arrogant person would just try to win the argument. But a humble person wouldn't yield begrudgingly. Instead, a humble person might say, "I really don't know what the best pricing decision is. In fact, neither of us knows. But we need to find out the truth for the good of the whole business. So why don't we try both pricing levels for two weeks and then compare the results?" We can see that humble people know their value and do not try to inflate or deflate themselves. They are also very aware of what they do not know, and they seek to find the truth, even if the truth might not be what they expected. My Experience 2 To give a personal example, I attend a sinology class with my mother every week. After each class, I summarize my notes, which then get checked by a classmate and the teacher, then I share it with the class. One week, my mother said my notes have decreased in quality. If I was arrogant, I would feel upset. That is an emotional reaction which has no logical basis. To be honest, I was a little upset, which shows that I still need to work on my humility a lot. In my mind, I was thinking, "These notes have been checked by the teacher. What more do you want?" But I quickly realized that voice was my ego talking, so I ignored it. I remembered a quote from Emperor Tang Taizong: So I first thanked my mom for her criticism, then I asked her why she thought the quality decreased and how I could improve. She explained that she had copied down some points that were not in my notes, so she thinks my focus and attention must have worsened. Again, if I were arrogant, I might start defending myself and say that I was super focused in that class. But I remained focused on finding the truth and verifying the facts. I asked her to specifically list out the points that my notes were lacking. When I heard them, I knew I wrote down those points in my notes, and I purposefully did not put them in the summary because I already mentioned the same ideas using different words. At this point, if I were arrogant, I would criticize her for not noticing that those points were already in the summary. But instead, I asked her if she thinks these points in the summary match the points she pointed out in her notes. She realized they do match. A humble person wouldn't want the other person to feel like they just "lost an argument", so I said, "OK, I guess different ways of saying things resonate with different people. These lines have the same meaning, but the lines I wrote resonate with me, and the lines you wrote resonate with you. So there is no right or wrong here." This way, I didn't go along with something I didn't believe in, and I also found the truth without creating emotional conflict. Arrogance and humility are both habits that need to be nourished. It takes a lot of effort at the beginning to switch from arrogant thinking to humble thinking, but it gets more natural with practice. Conclusion Being yielding and humble are excellent and important traits for our happiness, relationships, and success. At the same time, we need to follow the Middle Way. If we are excessively yielding, we become weak pushovers. If we are deficient in humility, we become arrogant and stubborn. The wise person is like water, always overcoming problems and conflicts by flowing around the obstacle rather than colliding with it. How can you be more yielding and humble in your life? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #205

Have you ever had to work or get along with someone difficult? Maybe it's a boss, a coworker, a classmate, or a family member. Recently, I was chatting with a friend who is facing a difficult boss and team members. I also happen to be dealing with some difficult students this semester. We are both reading The Daily Stoic, and we catch up once a month to discuss our learnings and practice, so this month, we discussed the topic of difficult people. We had a great conversation, and I continued to reflect on this topic afterwards. Below, I summarize ten ways to work well with difficult people: Focus on what you can control Focus on the greater good See it as necessary training Reduce expectations View it as normal Cultivate gratitude Find the good Practice empathy and kindness Do the opposite in positive Believe in yourself and practice (You can click on the list item to jump to that section) Icon Sources: Flaticon 1: Focus On What You Can Control If I had to summarize the core essence of Stoicism, it would be this: Focus on what you can control (your own thoughts and actions), and let go of the rest (other people and outside circumstances). On March 19 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "For there are two rules to keep at the ready—that there is nothing good or bad outside my own reasoned choice, and that we shouldn't try to lead events but to follow them." In other words, whether something is good or bad depends on our own thinking, and our own thinking is within our control. We also should not focus on external events, which are outside our control, but on our reactions to them, which are in our control. To be clear, we can make plans (in our control), but when we implement them, things will often not go according to plan (outside our control). When this happens, we should "follow" the situation at hand by reacting in the best way possible (in our control) as opposed to being stubborn about our previous plan and becoming unhappy about unexpected obstacles. A great analogy is water in a river flowing against a rock. Water yields to the rock, yet it wears away the rock. If we are stubborn like rock, and we fight with another rock, both of us well be harmed. But if we can be soft and flexible like water, then we will find a way around the rock and overcome the rock indirectly. When facing a difficult person, if we always think, "That person is at fault, that person has these problems, that person is wrong, this situation is so annoying…" then we are focusing on things outside our control, and we are being hard like rock. No wonder we feel like an unfortunate and helpless victim. On September 17 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "What if someone despises me? Let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good-natured to all, and prepared to show even the haters where they went wrong. Not in a critical way, or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully." In other words, other people behaving unreasonably is their matter. How we behave is our matter. We need to behave properly regardless of how others behave. We can think, "OK, this is the kind of person I have to get along well with. I will not be like that. I will not be dragged down by them, and if possible, I will lift them up." To take this train of thought one step further, if we want others to behave better, we have to first role model that behavior. For example, if we want them to be more polite and respect, we have to be polite and respectful to them first. If we want them to be patient and genuinely helpful to us, we have to role model that behavior first. Otherwise, if we tell them to be better behaved, they will think, "Well, you're no better than me, what right do you have to tell me to behave better?" Notice that the situation is exactly the same, but one way of thinking will lead to hopelessness and conflict, while the Stoic way of thinking will lead to hope and improvement. Real-Life Practice 1: To give a personal experience, I work as a high school teacher, and this semester, I got many difficult students who failed many classes in the past and have weak ability. I could complain and fret over being given "bad" students, but I cannot change that situation, so it is pointless and counter-productive to complain. Moreover, complaining makes me a bad teacher, which means I have been dragged down by them. Instead, I focused on how I need to change myself to adapt to these students. For example, I need to talk to them more than regular students to help them feel like the teacher actually cares about them. I also need to improve my patience and kindness, as well as my teaching abilities to help students with lower ability understand the class content. I made a list of things I could try this semester to be a better teacher, and I reported this to my principal. She was really happy about it and asked me to share my experience to help other teachers. What initially seemed like a "bad" thing became "good" because I focused on what is in my control. 2: Focus on The Greater Good Another key idea of Stoicism is to think bigger and farther than just our small selves. On April 4 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "Fight to remain the person that philosophy wished to make you. Revere the Gods, and look after each other. Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." In other words, philosophy teaches us to respect those above us and love all around us. Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome, so only the Gods were above him. But for us common folk, we should respect our parents, teachers, bosses, and leaders. We should also take care of all the people around us, such as our siblings, friends, and colleagues. Life is short, and the most meaningful way to live it is to be a good person and to help the greater good. To give an analogy, imagine you are on a boat. The boat has a captain and crew. The captain is the leader, so we should all respect the leader. Otherwise, no decisions can be made, nothing can get done, and the boat will get nowhere. If the boat doesn't go anywhere for a long time, everyone starves and dies. Of course, if the leader has faults, we should advise the leader, but do so in a respectful way, with the purpose of helping the whole crew. We also need to take care of all the people around us. If a crew member has a problem and we don't help them, the whole boat might be in danger. But if we help anyone on the boat do their job better, then we help everyone on the boat be safe, including ourselves. Life is the same. We shouldn't only focus on ourselves and think, "Their problem is their problem. As long as I'm fine, I don't care." If a boat member is struggling with their job, you might be unimpacted for a day or two, but after a while, the whole boat will have a problem, and then everyone sinks. Therefore, we should nurture our heart to be bigger and kinder, to want the best for not just ourselves but also all the people around us. Real Life Practice 2: With the group of "difficult" students that I have, I could be selfish and think, "The responsibility to pass my course is fully on them. If they don't try, then they fail. I don't care. I get my pay cheque regardless." But we are all interconnected. If we make the people around us suffer, we will suffer too. If I have this kind of uncaring attitude towards them, I will not be happy at work. That means every day, I have to wake up dreading going to work. Making my students suffer is making me suffer. But if I desire to help my students, and I try lots of different ways to do so, then I feel like my days are very meaningful, and I look forward to class with the same group of "difficult" students. When I got good results with these students, they naturally told their counselors and spread a good name for me behind my back. I've experienced that helping others definitely benefits ourselves, so long as we are sincere and patient in our kindness. 3: See It As Necessary Training Stoicism is very pragmatic and down-to-earth. It recognizes that we will all face difficulties in life, and the time to train for difficulties is in the good times. On March 20 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." We can be pretty certain that we will encounter more difficult people in the future, and the stakes may be higher in the future. Therefore, we can view the difficult person in front of us as a gift. They are giving us necessary training for our future success. Real Life Practice 3: For my friend, we talked about how she is still fairly young, so it is great that she faced this challenge early in her life. In the future, it is totally likely that she might become a leader and have to work with difficult team members. Or perhaps she will have a big-ticket client worth billions of dollars, and that client sends a representative who is difficult to work with. If at that time, she lacks the virtues to work well with a difficult person, that could cost her company billions of dollars, which would ruin her career. From a personal perspective, maybe our future spouse might have difficult family members that we need to get along with. So learning to work well with this difficult manager and group of colleagues is actually very necessary training for her life. The question then, is not how to change them, but how to train ourselves to be able to work well with them. When she saw these difficulties as necessary training, she became more hopeful and happy. 4: Reduce Expectations I used to think that I would be happy if only I could just get what I wanted. Later, I learned from Stoicism and Buddhism this belief was the root of my suffering. On July 3 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "The task of a philosopher: we should bring our will into harmony with whatever happens, so that nothing happens against our will and nothing that we wish for fails to happen." In other words, Happiness = Expectations - Reality. To increase happiness, we can either change reality or change our expectations. Guess which one is easier and 100% within our control? To be clear, Stoicism and Buddhism are not saying you cannot have any desires. They are saying you should not be attached to anything, to not cling to anything. If I get it, great. If not, that's okay too. Real Life Practice 4: At the beginning of the semester, I had a pep talk with myself. I want to chat with students daily to understand how their studies and life are going, but I must not become demanding towards them. If they don't fix their bad habits right away, I must not get impatient with them. This is easy to say, but much harder to do in practice. I told myself, "I want the best for my students, but if they don't respond positively, that's okay, I will keep trying my best. I hope for them to respond positively, but I do not demand them to do so. If I have a demand, then I will become upset when that demand is not met. Then I have failed to be a good Stoic." When I adjusted my attitude, my communication and interactions with my students became a lot more harmonious despite their "difficult" behavior. 5: View It As Normal Viewing something as normal helps us to reduce our expectations and demands. On April 6 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, "When you first rise in the morning, tell yourself: I will encounter busybodies, ingrates, egomaniacs, liars, the jealous, and cranks. They are all stricken with these afflictions because they don't know the difference between good and evil. Because I have understood the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil, I know that these wrong-doers are still akin to me…and that none of them can do me harm, or implicate me in ugliness--nor can I be angry at my relatives or hate them. For we are made for cooperation." In other words, this world is not perfect. Not everyone grew up with good moral education or virtuous role models. To encounter difficult people in life is absolutely normal. There is nothing to get upset about. Moreover, we need to focus on our own behavior (which is in our control) as opposed to their behavior (which is outside our control). Even if they are rude and disrespectful, we do not have to react in the same way. We can respond with respect and consideration. That is the mark of a truly great person. Real Life Practice 5: I work as a teacher, and a retired teacher once told me, "A teacher complaining about bad students is like a doctor complaining that he has to see sick people all day. There is nothing to complain about, this is your job!" I also remind myself that being able to teach good students is nothing special. Being able to teach the difficult students is what truly makes a great teacher. 6: Cultivate Gratitude Gratitude is another excellent method to reduce our demands towards outside people and events. When we feel fortunate to have all that we have, we then need to take action to repay gratitude. On August 29 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." In the example of working with a difficult person, we are suffering because we don't want to have a difficult person in our life. But what if we let go of that attachment? If I don't have a difficult person in my life, great. If I do, that's fine too, I can use it as an opportunity to build my virtues and train myself for future challenges. We can also think about all the good fortune we do have and have to put them to good use in the situation at hand. Real Life Practice 6: With my group of "difficult" students, I've had to remind some of them many times to submit their homework, or be on time for class, or use class learnings on assignments. If I get upset, then that is because I demand them to listen and change right away. The source of my anger is within me. If instead, I let go of that demand, then when they still act according to their bad habits, I would not get upset. I would think, "If you change, great, that is good for your future. If you don't change, that's fine too, I will use your behavior to keep training my patience, kindness, and wisdom." I can also think about how fortunate I am to have a job that I enjoy, that supports my family and future goals, that gives me great work-life-balance. If it weren't for these students in front of me, I wouldn't have this job. And if it weren't for Stoicism, I wouldn't have the wisdom to handle difficult people. To repay the gratitude of this job and Stoicism, I need to improve my virtues and abilities to help these students have the best learning experience possible. By thinking this way, I naturally become more positive and productive. 7: Find the Good As mentioned before, whether something is good or bad depends on how we view it and how we use it. I like the way Napoleon puts it: "Every problem comes with an equal or greater opportunity." The key is, can we find the good? If we are weak at this skill, then we need to train ourselves to find the good in every situation, and that training takes place in our daily life and our daily problems. A great way to do this training is to cultivate gratitude. Notice all the good fortune you do have, feel grateful for it, and then try to repay gratitude. Real Life Practice 7: My friend told me how her colleagues often have conflicting ideas. I said, "Well, at least you don't have to worry about groupthink." That is an example of finding the good in a situation. This is not empty positivity. This is a true upside of the situation; we just have to notice it to appreciate it. In my situation, although I have some "difficult" students this semester, when I spent some time getting to know them better, I realized that they all have good points. I just had to find them amongst their more noticeable flaws, and then focus on those good points. For example, one student is very sloppy with his work. Sure, this is bad in the sense that he will get a low grade. But this is also good in the sense that I know the reason for his low grade, and I know what to guide him with. Moreover, he is aware of his problem, so he does not blame his low grade on me This situation is also good because he knows I am trying to help with it every time I remind him to do his quizzes slower and to double-check his work. Even more, whenever I remind him in front of the class, the whole class gets a useful reminder. And when he did double-check his work and did well on a quiz, I praised him in front of the class, and the whole class was happy for him. Indeed, every problem has an equal opportunity. 8: Practice Empathy and Kindness When we have a conflict with someone, we usually think thoughts like, "I can't understand this person…She is so unreasonable…He is so inconsiderate." When we think that their behavior is unreasonable, we become demanding towards them (we demand them to be reasonable). Then we get angry and upset that they are behaving the way we demand them to behave. How can we solve this problem from within our own minds? Stoicism teaches us to cultivate empathy. On August 31 of The Daily Stoic, Marcus Aurelius says, "Whenever you take offense at someone's wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings…By thinking on this, you'll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them--for what else could they do?" Being empathetic means being able to see things from the other person's point of view. When we see others act unreasonable, we can ask ourselves, "Have we ever acted unreasonably? What was I thinking back then? How did I feel back then? That is how this person is feeling now. We felt the same way in the past, so we shouldn't be judging them now. We can also ask ourselves, "How would I like to be treated when I am behaving unreasonably?" Obviously, we hope to be treated with kindness, patience, and understanding. So we should treat that person the same way. Hence, Ryan Holiday says, "How much more tolerant and understanding would you be today if you could see the actions of other people as attempts to do the right thing?" No one tries to be stupid, difficult or unreasonable. Everyone (including ourselves) thinks they are being reasonable and proper. When we can see what notions of right and wrong compels them and the influences on them, then we will see their behavior as a natural reaction to their circumstances. When we see their behavior as natural and reasonable, we will stop feeling angry and stop demanding them to be different. Real Life Practice 8: This semester, I am teaching online, and one of my students often comes late to class and leaves early without permission. When I call on her in class, she often is not even there. I tried to set up a one-on-one chat with her many times to try to understand her situation better, but she often leaves before I finish class. In the past, I would get upset and ignore this student. But this semester, I am trying to be more empathetic. Rather than get upset at her, I saw it as training my patience and reminding me to not be demanding. I also decided to wait until I understood her situation before making any judgments about her behavior. Eventually, I got to chat with her one-on-one. I learned that she has difficulty sleeping, so she takes sleeping pills. But the side effect is that she gets major headaches randomly throughout the day, then all she can do is lie down on her bed. Moreover, her downstairs neighbor randomly comes over and complains that she walks too loudly, so she has been spending a lot of time arguing with her neighbor. When I understood her situation, my annoyance faded, and I felt compassion for her. If I were in her situation, I would behave in a similar way. Perhaps I would be more respectful to my teacher and communicate with my teacher more, but that's because I understand the importance of respect and communication. She does not, so of course she wouldn't communicate with me. I then told her that I'm very sorry to hear about all the struggles she is going through, and I don't want to be an additional source of pain in her life. If she cannot do this course now, she can do it in the future at a better time. If she wants to try to pass this course, I will do my best to help her. When she felt that I cared for her and was not judgmental or demanding towards her, she started trying harder in class. I continued to chat with her frequently and give her encouragement. Thus, empathy and kindness prevented me from being annoyed at this student for a whole semester. 9: Do The Opposite in Positive Most of our behavior is habitual. When people behave "unreasonably" it is probably also a habit. On June 26 of The Daily Stoic, Epictetus said, "What assistance can we find in the fighting against habit? Try the opposite!." This can apply to correcting our bad habits as well as responding to other people's bad habits. Here are some examples for correcting our negative habits: If you find yourself complaining, you could force yourself to list some positives about the situation. If you find yourself feeling demotivated, try giving a motivational pep talk to yourself (or even another person who is also feeling the same way). If you start feeling anxious, list out all the reasons why you'll be OK and how you can take preventative measures. After practicing this for a long time, our habits will naturally change. Here are some examples for responding to other people's negative habits: If the other person starts complaining, and then they ask you for your opinion, you can respond by listing all the good points about that situation or person (but don't proactively argue with them). If the other person is arrogant and asserts that they are right, you can be humble and say that you do not know everything, but you will double check with an expert. If the other person is very impolite towards you, you can be extra polite towards them. When we respond to other people's bad behavior with the opposite good behavior, not only do we improve our virtues, but our goodness is even more visible to all those around us. Real Life Practice 9: I used to complain a lot in life, and I decided to fix this bad habit by practicing gratitude. Specifically, I write down at least one thing I am grateful for every day in my journal. Over time, I started getting better and better at being grateful. This semester, I often feel grateful for my "difficult" students because it is thanks to them that my teaching abilities are improving. When a student was complaining to me about how his other teacher gives excessive homework, I put in a good word for the teacher. I told him that all teachers want the best for their students, and I know this teacher really cares about her students. You should communicate with her more and ask her how you can manage your homework better. Sometimes when I chat with my students, their minds are very agitated, so they talk very fast and explain themselves a lot. At these times, I remind myself to not get carried along by their agitation. Instead, I respond by talking extra slow and maintaining my calm. It is not easy, and I don't always succeed, but when I do succeed, I always feel a great sense of accomplishment. 10: Believe In Yourself and Practice We covered many great tips in this article, but they are of no use unless you go and practice them. On August 12 of The Daily Stoic, Seneca said, "Many words have been spoken by Plato, Zeno, Chrysippus, Posidonius, and by a whole host of equally excellent Stoics. I'll tell you how people can prove their words to be their own—by putting into practice what they've been preaching." When we practice, we may find that these teachings are simple but not always easy. For example, it is easy to say, "If other people behave unreasonably, I won't get upset. I will remain humble and kind." But when the situation actually arises, can you remember to do it, let alone succeed? Just like riding a bike, the learning process always has failure. We will fall many times until we finally get the hang of it. When we fall, it is important to believe in ourselves and get back up. On June 4 of The Daily Stoic, Ryan Holiday said, "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this." If the great humans of the past could work well with difficult people and accomplish greatness, then so can we. Their genes are no different than ours. Their situations were even worse than ours. For example, Epictetus was a slave, and Seneca was exiled. If they can maintain peace of mind in such hard situations, then so can we. Real Life Practice 10: I keep a daily journal where I reflect on my virtues and faults each day. I had a period of time where I felt demoralized by all my faults and problems. Later, I viewed it as normal that I would have lots of faults, and I must not demand myself to fix all of them all at once. That is being too impatient and demanding towards myself. Instead, I should focus on correcting my faults one by one, slowly but steadily. As I try to interact properly with my group of "difficult" students this semester, I don't always get it right. I have off days too. But I remind myself I definitely have the ability to become great. The key is to never give up and to always try my best. Conclusion Working with difficult people is something we will all experience in life. If we are unable to work well with difficult people, we are guaranteed frustration and conflict. But if we can work well with such people, then we will gain inner peace, growth, and success. Rather than focusing our attention on other people or outside circumstances, Stoicism teaches us to focus on changing and adapting ourselves. This article looked at ten Stoic ways to excel around difficult people: Focus on what you can control Focus on the greater good See it as necessary training Reduce expectations View it as normal Cultivate gratitude Find the good Practice empathy and kindness Do the opposite in positive Believe in yourself and practice While I do not wish for you to encounter difficult people unnecessarily, I do wish for you the ability to flourish around such people should such a situation arise. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #202

Instead, Take Responsibility and Give Reciprocity If you were asked to list 10 things wrong with the world, how long would it take you? Probably not too long. What if you were asked to list 10 things wrong with yourself? I don't know about you, but it definitely takes me longer to reflect on my own problems. And that itself is a big problem. So much of our suffering and ineffectiveness comes from always blaming the outside world and people rather than reflecting on ourselves. When things don't go well, our first instinct is to find a target to blame, and that target is never myself. If we want a happy and productive life, we need to change that bad habit. The Analects of Confucius said, "The way of Confucius is simply responsibility and reciprocity." (Original text: 夫子之道，忠恕而已矣。Translation note: The terms has 忠 and 恕 have different meanings in different contexts. I explain these terms further below). Sources: 1, 2 So rather than playing the blame game (blaming the outside), we can focus on taking responsibility and giving reciprocity. That means being strict with ourselves and accepting towards others. We should not be demanding towards others and expect them to be accepting towards us, especially during conflict (unless you are looking for more suffering and seeking to make things worse). Take Responsibility The great Chinese philosopher Mencius said, "When your efforts do not reap your expected results, reflect on yourself." (Original Text: 行有不得者，皆反求諸己 。) Being responsible means I focus on what I did wrong, not what they did wrong what I could have done better, not what they should have done better what I can control, not outside circumstances or people how I can prevent this problem and improve next time When problems arise, it is never 100% the other person's fault or the world's fault. We always have a fraction of the blame. In fact, the more humble we are, the greater the amount of blame we are willing to shoulder. Responsible people don't pretend that the other person is completely faultless, but rather they choose to let go of demanding others to change, and instead focus on changing themselves first. Once we see how hard it is to change ourselves, we become more kind towards others. The great Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "If we would...blame only ourselves and remember that nothing but opinion is the cause of a troubled mind and uneasiness, then by God, I swear we would be making progress." In other words, suffering or joy, effectiveness or ineffectiveness, it all lies in how we use our mind, in how we view the situation. Reflecting on ourselves and focusing on our responsibility, on changing ourselves, is how to make progress. Related side note: There is something called the 21-Day No Complaint Challenge. As the name implies, it is a way to train your mind to not instinctively complain all the time. I tried it before, and while it is certainly frustrating at times, it is a great experience! Giving Reciprocity When the student Zi Gong asked Confucius if there was one word that a person should practice for all of one's life, Confucius said, "Would that not be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, do not do unto others." (Original Text: 子貢問曰：有一言而可以終身行之者乎？子曰：其恕乎！己所不欲，勿施於人。) The Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius also talked about reciprocity when he said, "Whenever you take offense at someone's wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings." Reciprocity, also called The Golden Rule, means treating others the way we want to be treated, especially when problems arise, because that's when we tend to treat others poorly. Giving reciprocity means being sensitive towards their feelings, not ignoring them being empathetic towards their feelings, not denying their feelings being accepting and understanding towards their situation, not being critical and demanding being kind and patient, not selfish and hot-tempered Wouldn't we all wish others to treat us this way? Well, we cannot force others to change, we can only change ourselves, but in doing so, we set a positive example for others to follow. Then, at least there is a CHANCE that they will change. But if we continue to behave negatively, they won't even have the idea to change positively. Moreover, when we change positively, we will feel happier and more productive regardless if the other person changes or not. Negative emotions hurt us and the other person. It's like holding onto a ball of fire and then throwing it. You burn yourself first. Positive emotions benefit us and the other person. It's like giving a smile. We feel good first, then the other person benefits. Being demanding creates negative emotions, while giving reciprocity creates positive emotions. Example 1: Archery To explain responsibility, Confucius gave the example of shooting an arrow: "The way of a cultivated person is analogous to archery. If you miss the target, reflect on the cause of failure in yourself." (Original Text: 射有似乎君子，失諸正鵠，反求諸其身。) When people miss the target, many might blame the bow or arrow as defective. But if your archery skills are bad, then even if you had the best bow and arrow in the world, you would still miss. On the other hand, if your archery skills are excellent, then even if you had a second-grade bow and arrow, you could still hit the target. Example 2: Relationships When relationship conflicts arise, we often blame the other person for being stubborn and illogical. To echo the archery example, that's like missing the target and then blaming the bow and arrow are defective. If we lack relationship and communication skills, then even if we had a "better" partner, we would still fail. On the other hand, if we had excellent relationship and communication skills, then we could succeed with our current partner. How can we improve our relationship and communication skills? By improving our reciprocity. For example, my mother used to complain that my grandpa always wanted to go out to eat and shop, and he often invited her. My mother felt like that was a waste of money and time. She would much rather stay home and read her books and do her gardening. She was annoyed at my grandpa because she didn't understand him, and she wanted grandpa to be different. When we want something and cannot get it, we feel unhappy. One day, I told her, "Telling grandpa to not go out every day, to not go out to eat and shop, is like telling you to not read your books and not do gardening every day. How would you feel?" Later that day, she told me, "Wow, I totally get it now. If you told me I cannot read my books and do my gardening, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Now I can empathize with him." To give another example, I saw my friend being really anxious and stressed about her upcoming exam. She was not eating and sleeping properly because she was always studying. My heart ached at this sight, and I'm sure her parents would feel the same, because she was hurting her health for a test score. I tried to advise her to not be so excessive in her studies, to eat and sleep properly. She felt like I didn't understand her, and that I was criticizing her. At this point, it was natural for me to blame her as being too stubborn and illogical. But that's not reciprocity. Reciprocity is treating others with compassion, patience, and acceptance. I reflected on how in the past, I was the same. I thought if I didn't get into my dream university or get that dream job, my life would be over. That's how she feels right now. Once I understood her perspective, I could accept her, and then I could treat her with kindness rather than harshness. Later, I messaged her to apologize if I made her feel bad, that I shouldn't have been so critical in my tone of voice, and that I hope she can get her desired results while also maintaining her physical and mental health in the process. Although we both had our faults, it's pointless for me to focus on her faults. When I reflected on my faults and how I can improve, then I could be happy and effective. Example 3: Work I work as a high school teacher, and teachers often will categorize students and classes as "good" or "bad". When we teach good classes, it's always smooth and positive. When we teach bad classes, it's always a struggle. But this kind of mentality puts the blame on others rather than taking responsibility. To echo back to the archery analogy, we can't always choose our bow and arrow, but we can always improve our archery skills. I remember observing a senior teacher teach a very "bad" class. He struggled too, so I thought he might feel very bad. But when we chatted afterwards, he was quite happy. He said, "Well, I tried lots of different methods to engage them. For a class like that, it takes time and patience to change the students. But it's definitely do-able. Every group of students is different. I would just keep trying different ways to appeal to them." I realized that he was focused on how his own responsibility as a teacher, on how he could adapt the lesson better to suit the students, not on blaming the students for their problems (however real those problems may be). Moreover, he practiced reciprocity. He knew that he should be patient and positive, not demanding and negative, when interacting with students. He was not caught up in his ego, so he didn't care that a rookie teacher like me saw him struggling. He was also not lazy, he was willing to keep trying his best to appeal to the students. Regardless of what work you do, chances are, you have to work with others, and you won't always get the results you expected. In these situations, we can always remember to take responsibility and give reciprocity. Conclusion In daily life, we are guaranteed for things to not go according to our expectations and for people to not behave according to our wishes. Rather than playing the blame game, which is both ineffective and harmful, we should focus on taking responsibility and giving reciprocity. What is one situation in your life where you could practice responsibility and reciprocity today? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #200 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

September 10 was World Suicide Prevention Day, and shortly after that, a classmate in my Chinese philosophy class told us she was having suicidal thoughts. Our teacher then guided us to discuss this serious topic: How can we help ourselves and others who have suicidal thoughts? Image Source I think this is a very serious and important topic that we should all have some basic knowledge in. According to the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), the world loses someone to suicide every 40 seconds. Every suicide is a tragedy that affects families, friends, and entire communities. Having some basic suicide prevention knowledge is kind of like first aid: we hope we don't need to use it, but should the situation arise, we need to be prepared. Otherwise, we may have a lot of regret in the future. Below, I share some important advice I learned about suicide prevention during my time as a Residence Don and from my discussion class this past week. I think of them like tools in my mental health first aid kit. And just like first aid, these tips can not only help others, they might turn out to be critically useful for ourselves too. Image Source 1: Notice and ask. If someone has a sudden and big change in behavior, that is usually a sign that something is wrong. You can use their behavior change to inquire. For example, "Hey Bob, I noticed you are a lot more gloomy and skipping class these days. This is quite different from a couple months ago, when you used to be fine and attended class normally, so I am concerned for you. What's happening?" 2: Get trained help. If they tell you they are having suicidal thoughts, that is an SOS signal, and they really need your help. Don't take it as a joke. Since we are not trained professionals, we should help them call a suicide prevention hotline or seek some form of trained help. We can also do some of the additional tips below. 3: Find out what they still care about. Then, based on that, remind them that if they commit suicide, they will never be able to have that again. For example, they will never be able to do what they enjoy, see the people they love, eat the food they like, travel to the places they want to see, etc. Do you really want to throw all of that away now? (At the very least, this might buy some time for them to get professional help). 4: Think about a failed attempt. Remind them that if they attempt suicide and fail, the aftermath would be horrible. For example, they might become crippled or disabled. Then not only would it be painful, it would be very hard to attempt suicide again. Wouldn't it be better and less risky to get some help? 5: Show consideration and care. Oftentimes, people who feel suicidal feel like no one cares about them in this world, and that if they leave, it wouldn't make a difference to anyone or anything. Let them know that there is at least one person in this world who still cares about them, who wants them alive in this world. 6: Consider impact on loved ones Help them think about the impact on their loved ones and the people they care about. Think about the pain and suffering that their death would cause to those people. Their loved ones may experience shock, depression, guilt, or even become suicidal themselves. 7: Help them find their value and usefulness in the world. For example, go volunteering together to help people in need. Perhaps it's volunteering at a food kitchen, homeless shelter, or an animal rescue shelter. When people feel like they are making an impact in this world, they will feel a sense of purpose to keep living. 8: Make future plans Make future plans so that they feel like they haven't finished everything that they're supposed to do in this world. For example, ask them to teach you something that they are good at, or ask them to go to a future event with you, or plan a future hangout together, etc. 9: Shift attention to gratitude Help them count their blessings and to realize that things might not be as bad as they imagine in their mind. You could even make a visit to homeless shelters or the hospital to see firsthand the struggles that other people are facing. When we shift our attention from negative things (e.g., problems) to positive things (e.g., gratitude), our mood will improve. 10: Help them get busy. When people have a lot of things to do, they lack the free time to sit there and think about suicide. For example, when we have homework to submit to a teacher, or a project to work on, our mind will naturally be preoccupied with that. Conclusion My experience on this subject is very limited, so I only hope to provide some basic tools that we should all be aware of in our "metal health first aid kit." Everyone's situation is unique, but we could all reduce our chance of mental illness by staying mentally healthy. Coincidentally, I am currently teaching a high school mental health course right now, and some useful resources I would recommend are Rewire your mind for happiness Stoic joy Guide to a Happy Life - Book Summary Seven ways to improve stress resistance Are you a carrot, egg, or coffee bean? Five things to be thankful for every day Let's all do our part to reduce suffering and increase hope in our world.

When you do a good deed, do you like to get praised for it? Or keep it a secret? Or give the credit to others? Over the summer, I participated in an online educational workshop. The workshop had around 80 participants, and we were split into seven groups (teams) of 10-12 people. Each group had a teacher (leader) with several students (participants). We spent around two thirds of the time learning as a big group and one third of the time discussing in our small groups. A couple of times in the big class, I noticed students from other groups had fans blowing wind directly onto their face, so their hair was flowing with the wind. According to Chinese Medicine, it is bad for our health if we blow wind onto our body when still. If we are moving around, then it's not a problem. At first, I was hesitant about telling them because I didn't want to sound like a naggy parent, but I ultimately decided to message them in a humble and caring way, not in a judgmental or naggy way. They were appreciative. Later, I told my teacher about this, and he told me that although what I did was good, I could have done better. He asked me if I can guess how (Can you guess?). I couldn't figure it out. He told me, "Instead of sending those caring messages yourself, you could have told their team leader. Then the team leader can remind that person as well as the whole group. This way, you give the glory to the team leader rather than taking it for yourself. You also earn the respect of that leader." At that time, I was pretty surprised to hear such an answer. I didn't even think about getting "glory" for simply telling someone to not blow wind onto their face. My teacher then helped me see things from a bigger, more serious perspective. He told me a story about Yanzi (晏子). Yanzi lived around 2500 years ago, during the same time as Confucius. He was a minister in the State of Qi, serving under Duke Jing of Qi. The Duke recruited people from all over the country to build a great pavilion for his recreational purposes. By winter, construction was still going on, and the people were cold and hungry. They all complained about how unsympathetic the Duke was, and they asked Yanzi to help relieve their hardship. Yanzi returned to the Duke's palace. The Duke, happy for his return, organized a banquet to greet him. Although Yanzi planned to tell the Duke about the worker's grievances, he did not want to do so directly. They ate, drank wine, and chatted happily. Then he said to the Duke, "If your highness is willing to give me a small reward, could I sing a song?" The Duke agreed. Yanzi then started passionately singing a sad song: "The people sing: cold water soaks my clothes, making me so cold. Oh how helpless I am. Those in the imperial palace are living an extravagant life, while us common folk are withering. I can barely survive, what to do?" At the end of the song, Yanzi was weeping and sighing. Seeing this, the Duke got up, walked over, and said, "Why are you so sad? Is it because of the pavilion project? I will order for them to stop working right away." Hearing this, Yanzi got up and thanked the Duke graciously. The next day, he bid farewell to the Duke. After that, he rushed to the construction site. When he arrived, he did not say "OK everyone, I told the Duke, we can all go home now." That would have been taking all the glory for himself. Instead, he took out a whip and started whipping the workers, saying, "You people already have your own shelter. The Duke asked you all to work together to build a pavilion for him, and you're still not finished. What good are you? Get to work!" All the workers were shocked and thought Yanzi had gone mad. Yanzi then left the site to go home since he knew that news was on the way from the Duke. Soon after, a messenger from the Duke arrived at the site to tell everyone that the Duke had ordered for the construction to stop, so everyone can return home. As a result, everyone cheered and was extremely grateful towards the Duke. Commentary I reflected on two big morals from Yanzi's story: Be tactful, not blunt, when telling others their faults Take blame and give glory Image Sources: 1, 2, 3 1: Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself When Yanzi returned to the palace, he didn't bluntly say to the Duke, "The people are upset at you. You need to order for the construction to stop." I am a very blunt person, so I probably would have said something like that. But that creates opposition between me and the other person. It is also arrogant, as if I have the right to be telling my superior what he should do. Yanzi's method was to sing a song after drinking some wine, and through the song lyrics express the people's suffering. Then he cried and wept for the people to elicit sympathy from the Duke. This makes it seem like the problem is on himself for being too emotional, and the Duke can be a hero by helping him and the people relieve their suffering. The Duke is then happy to help, and in doing so, correct his mistake of being ignorant and unsympathetic before. 2: Take Blame and Give Glory Most people hate to take blame and prefer glory. But Yanzi took blame that he didn't "deserve" and gave glory away that he "deserved." Such a secret could not be held forever. Eventually, people realized what Yanzi did, and as a result, everyone respected Yanzi even more, and his story has been passed down for 2500 years to this day! If he had given the Duke his "deserved" blame and taken his "deserved" glory, he would only have gotten small, short-term benefit. Therefore, wise people think about the long-term and benefiting the greater good, not short-term self-benefit. My Experience Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself As a teacher, I've had to teach many online classes due to the pandemic. My school requires students to turn on their video cameras in class, but many students don't, or they turn on the camera, but the camera angle is facing the ceiling, so I cannot see their face. (Yes those are my actual students) Perhaps they just woke up and their hair looks messy, or they want to do other things on the computer rather than pay attention in class, or they are just too shy to show their face. Regardless, it is frustrating for the teacher when we call on a student, their video is off, and they don't respond. Like most teachers, I've tried the method of telling the students multiple times to please turn on their cameras because it is the school rules. It works the first couple of times, but it creates opposition. I feel bad doing it, and the students are resentful. In the future, they just don't listen at all. Recently, I tried a more tactful method. I talked to students after class one-on-one in a private room, and I asked them why they didn't show their face in class. Many students said they are shy. I then said, "I'm sorry, but I lack confidence, so when I cannot see my students nodding or looking at me, I feel very nervous, like I am a bad teacher, like I am so boring that students don't even want to look at me. So could you please turn your camera on and look at me during class to help me feel more confident?" I also addressed their concern and said, "I know you are shy, but it is okay. Most students are shy. But we are here to learn, we are not here to look at other students. Most of the time, students are too busy listening to the teacher and taking notes rather than looking at you. So no one is staring at you except me, and I am only looking at you for my confidence, I am not judging your looks." After this, the student would typically turn their camera on and adjust the angle so that I could see their face, and they had no resentment. To give another quick example, I remember listening to a lecture once, and suddenly there was a big sound outside. Everyone started looking at the door window instead of at the speaker. The speaker said, "Everyone, please look at me. Otherwise, you'll hurt this small, sensitive heart of mine." Giving Glory After my summer workshop, I spent quite some time to create a summary document of all the things I learned. I sent it to my team leader to check, and she said it looked good. I was about to send the notes to my classmates and say, "Hey, I summarized some notes, maybe they can help you review too." But then I remembered Yanzi, so I changed my message to, "Hey, I summarized some notes, and our team leader approved them. Maybe they can help you review." This way, I gave some of the glory away to my team leader. I also set an example of asking the team leader to check things before sharing them with others. To give another example, when I go out with my friends, I will ask my mom if there is anything from the garden I could give them. In the past, I would tell my friends that I wanted to give them some garden veggies (which are a hundred times for flavorful than grocer store veggies). Image Source Now, I will say my mom planted these and wanted to give them to you. This way, they feel gratitude towards my mom (whom they are less familiar with) rather than me (who they are already close with). It is a much better allocation of gratitude. Conclusion In the future, I will be on the lookout for more opportunities to take blame and give glory. This would have sounded strange if you told me this a month ago, but now I understand it is the wise thing to do. How can you tactfully ask someone to change by taking blame? How you give more glory to others? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #201 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

We all want to be good people and live in a good world. To attain that vision, we need to build our virtues. There is a Chinese proverb that says, "Of a hundred virtues, filial piety is the first." I feel like the word "virtue" isn't in the common vernacular nowadays, so I'll phrase it as "Of all the goodness, filial piety is the greatest." If you're like most people in the west, you've probably never heard of the word "filial piety" before. Basically, it means to be a good child. Another way to explain filial piety is being grateful to the people that we owe most gratitude to, which for most of us is our parents. This might sound a little abstract, so I like to use some concrete examples to explain filial piety from The Guide to A Happy Life: When my parents call me, I will respond right away. When my parents ask me to do something, I will do it promptly. When my parents try to teach me something, I will listen respectfully. When my parents criticize me, I will accept it respectfully. What is good for my parents, I will do my best to provide. What is bad for my parents, I will do my best to eliminate. If my body gets hurt, my parents will worry. If my virtues are bad, my parents will be ashamed. If my parents have faults, I will encourage them to improve in a warm and gentle manner. If they don’t accept my encouragement, I will try again when they are happy. Buddhism also explains four ways to be filial: Nurture parents' physical health Nurture parents' emotional health Nurture parents' aspirations Nurture parents' wisdom These don't just apply to parents, they apply to anyone that we love and care about, such as our spouse and partners. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 Nurturing parents' physical health involves their food, clothes, exercise, and living environment. We should help them have healthy living habits and eliminate unhealthy ones. Nurturing parents' emotional health means giving them peace of mind, happiness, comfort, and joy. For example, responding to parents right away is to prevent them from getting upset. Providing them what they like is to make them happy. Whatever worries our parents, we should try to eliminate. Often times, parents worry about their children's bad habits, so filial children would work hard to improve themselves. Nurturing parents' aspirations means being someone that our parents can be proud of. The more people we help in the world, the more glory we bring to our parents. On the other hand, being unethical would tarnish the family name and would be unfilial. Nurturing parents' wisdom means helping them fix their bad and harmful habits, improving their way of thinking, and obtaining a higher sense of purpose or spiritual fulfilment. While these ideas mentioned above sound simple, I've found them quite rare to see in real life! Now that we understand filial piety and know some concrete examples, let's return to the question: Why is it the first of all virtues? Image Source Think about it: If a person doesn't appreciate the people who they should most appreciate, can they really appreciate anyone else? If a person doesn't care that they hurt their parents feelings, will they care if they hurt your feelings? If a child is lazy and doesn’t respond to their parents’ requests at home, can you expect them to be diligent and attentive at work? If a child often argues with their parents, can you expect them to be humble and harmonious with anyone else? If the person you are dating lies to their parents, can you believe that they will not tell lies to you? The root of all their behavior traces back to how they treat their parents! My Experience I first heard about filial piety when my mother gave me the book Guide to A Happy Life shortly after I graduated university. When I read it, I was skeptical. I thought, “Listen to parents? But what if parents are wrong? What if they don’t know what is best?” Clearly, I was very arrogant back then. Later on, I realized that a lot of my unhappiness traces back to my conflicts with family. For example, I always tried to prove myself right in arguments with parents, and that behavior extended to arguments with romantic partners and even work bosses! In order to fix my arrogance, I had to start by respecting my parents. Once I respected my parents, I naturally started respecting everyone else. I also learned that in a romantic relationship, I should really pay attention to how the other person treats their parents. If they lie to their parents or hide things from their parents, it's a red flag that they will lie and hide things from you once they get very used to you. If they take their parents for granted and rarely appreciate them, they will treat you the same once they get used to you. If they expect their parents to treat them like royalty, they will expect (not appreciate) the same from you. As a teacher, I noticed that the students who are studious almost always are filial, while the students who are rebellious almost always have bad family relationships. But we can't blame the child. The child learns from the parents' examples and from the media they consume. Nowadays, many parents themselves were not taught filial piety at a young age, so they didn't role model respecting grandparents to the children. Worse is western media, which often shows unfilial role models. For example, the media will show people being angry and arguing and harshly criticizing others. It also shows people only caring about what they want and hurting others to get what they want. How can we expect children to be filial if they are consuming this kind of media? Hence, I've learned we can't blame the youth. Blaming doesn't help anyone. All we can do is to start with ourselves, to set a filial example in whatever situation we have, to respect and appreciate all the people we owe gratitude to. Concluding Thoughts Who do I owe most gratitude to? What is something good I can give them or do for them? What is something bad I can keep away from them? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #167 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Everyone is working diligently for a happy life, yet so many of us have more unhappiness than joy. I recently came across a quote on this subject by the great Stoic philosopher Seneca: "Trust me, real joy is a serious thing. Do you think someone can, in the charming expression, blithely dismiss death with an easy disposition? Or swing open the door to poverty, keep pleasures in check, or meditate on the endurance of suffering? The one who is comfortable with turning these thoughts over is truly full of joy, but hardly cheerful. It's exactly such a joy that I would wish for you to possess, for it will never run dry once you've laid claim to its source." Seneca mentioned three aspects of stoic joy: not afraid of death, not afraid of difficulties, and not indulgent in pleasures. I reflected that real joy, according to Stoicism, is not surface-level cheerfulness. Rather, it is a deep sense of purpose, inner confidence, and emotional stability. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 1: Powerful Purpose — Not Afraid of Death. Someone with real joy is not afraid of death. Why? Because they have a powerful purpose that is worth dying for, and they live that purpose day in and day out. If they were to die today, they would have no regrets. So what makes a powerful purpose? Marcus Aurelius, the great stoic emperor, said: "Make sure you're not made 'Emperor,' avoid that imperial stain. It can happen to you, so keep yourself simple, good, pure, saintly, plain, a friend of justice, god-fearing, gracious, affectionate, and strong for your proper work. Fight to remain the person that philosophy wished to make you. Revere the gods, and look after each other. Life is short--the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." In other words, a powerful purpose is to be a good person, to improve our moral character, and to serve the common good. Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 No matter what our situation is in life, we can do these three things. In doing so, we should avoid being stained by power, wealth, and fame, which can all corrupt our purity and ruin our work. When we constantly live a powerful purpose, day in and day out then we wouldn't worry about death. No matter if we die tomorrow or decades later, we can be gratified at a life well-lived. 2: Inner Confidence — Not Afraid of Difficulties. Someone with real joy is not afraid of difficulties and suffering. Why? Because they focus on what they CAN control, not what they cannot control. We cannot control external factors, and we're pretty much guaranteed to face suffering and difficulties in life. But we CAN control how we respond to our circumstances. Someone with real joy takes pleasure in responding wisely and positively to all circumstances as opposed to becoming emotional and complaining. Seneca said, "I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." Stoicism is also very practical. Stoics don't just tell themselves to not fear difficulty, they also train their tenacity. Seneca explained a simple way to practice poverty: “Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: ‘Is this the condition that I feared?’” Seneca was a statesman and an advisor to the emperor, so he had wealth and status. Many people in his position would get accustomed to the comfortable life and fear difficulties. But Seneca practiced poverty, setting aside a few days regularly to eat and dress like a homeless person, all the while reflecting on how it is not nearly as scary as he imagined it might be. Real joy comes from a sense of confidence that we can handle whatever adversity comes our way. The more we practice discomfort deliberately, the less afraid we will be of unplanned adversity. We base our joy not on receiving favorable circumstances, but rather on responding properly to all circumstances. 3: Emotional Stability — Not Indulgent in Pleasures Someone with real joy does not feel the desire to indulge in pleasures. "Pleasure" in this context refers to sensory pleasures, such as touch, taste, and mind (e.g., highs from drugs). Excessive pleasures result in a big low afterwards and can lead to addiction. Hence, Seneca said, "It is for this reason that men sink themselves in pleasures, and they cannot do without them when once they have become accustomed to them…And so they are the slaves of their pleasures…Then it is that the height of unhappiness is reached." One reason people often seek sensory pleasures is to distract themselves from the emptiness they feel in their soul. This emptiness is a lack of a meaningful purpose. Another reason is to seek relief from stress and adversity. Therefore, if we have a powerful purpose that fills our soul, and we train our tenacity to be unafraid of adversity, then we naturally wouldn't indulge in sensory pleasures. Living an emotional rollercoaster is quite stressful. Having emotional stability, constantly feeling a sense of peace and wellbeing, is true joy. Self Reflection Before I learned Stoicism (and other philosophies such as Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism), my mood always swung with changing external circumstances. When things were going well, I was happy. When things went against my preferences (which is very often), I got annoyed, stressed, or upset. Then I would seek pleasures like video games, TV, and junk food. Despite my diligent efforts for a happy life, I lacked real joy. Powerful Purpose After I learned philosophy, I set a life mission (purpose) that I really resonate with, which is to benefit the world by sharing useful and timeless wisdom. That also means learning and practicing philosophy in my own life to become a better person and to help others. This mission is so meaningful to me that I am willing to sacrifice sleep and other enjoyment for it. Emotional Stability I gradually and naturally stopped gaming and TV because I feel like I don't even have enough time for my mission. I have been giving my full effort towards this mission for a couple years now, so even if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't feel remorse because I feel like I made good use of my life (after I learned philosophy). Hence, I have a sense of peace with how I am spending my life. Inner Confidence To practice tenacity, there were a couple times where I endured painful canker sores without getting upset at the people around me. I also practiced living on the cheapest food for a week, eating mostly bread and vegetable-stuffed buns, and I found it wasn't a big deal at all. But when I get very hungry or tired, my patience becomes short, so I am currently working on that. All in all, I have a lot more real joy thanks to philosophy. Concluding Thoughts Are my diligent efforts in life resulting in happiness and joy? What is a meaningful purpose and mission for my life? How can I improve my ability to handle adversity? Which hardships can I train for? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #199 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

When you learn about an outstanding thought leader or hero, do you ever get curious about that person’s teacher? Lao Zi (Lao Tzu) is the legendary founder of Daoism (Taoism), and I recently heard an insightful story about his teacher, Chang Cong (常樅). The original source is in Chinese, so I have translated it below: When Chang Cong was in his late years, Lao Zi visited him. He asked, “Teacher, do you have any important lessons that you wish to pass on to your students?” Image Source Chang Cong smiled at his student’s eagerness to learn. But rather than just tell his student, he focused on guiding him. He said, “Even if you didn’t ask me, I was going to tell you. Let me ask you three questions. First, when you pass through your home village during a trip, why should you not sit on your horse carriage?” Lao Zi replied, “We must not forget our roots. Even though I am successful today, riding on my horse carriage, I would have nothing without all the people in my family and home village who helped to raise me. Thus, when I pass through my home village, I ought to pay my respect to them and show consideration towards them. I should not sit on my carriage and look down on them." Chang Cong nodded, then asked the next question, “When we encounter a giant tree while walking, why should we walk past it briskly?” Lao Zi thought for a moment, then replied, “I believe this is a matter of respecting elders. A giant tree would be at least hundreds, if not thousands of years old. It would surely inspire my awe and respect. Just like how I would briskly walk past a highly respected person, so as to not attract their attention, I should briskly walk past this magnificent tree.” Chang Cong nodded, then he opened his mouth and told Lao Zi to observe inside. He said, “Is my tongue still there?” Lao Zi replied, “Yes.” Chang Cong asked, “How about my teeth?” Lao Zi replied, “Most of them are no longer there.” Chang Cong asked, “From this, what realization have you come to?” Lao Zi pondered, then said, “The tongue is soft and accommodating, thus it can endure. Teeth are hard and rigid, so they are short-lived.” Chang Cong replied, “Excellent. I have no more to teach you.” Commentary From this story, I reflected on four important lessons: Be grateful to our roots Respect elders Respect nature Be soft and adaptable 1: Be Grateful To Our Roots A big problem in society nowadays is entitlement. People take so many things for granted with feeling gratitude. For example, we take our parents for granted. We don't think about how hard it was for them to raise us, all the sleepless nights they had, all the things they sacrificed, all the mental energy they spend every day thinking of us. As a result, we become disrespectful and arrogant towards them. If we cannot even feel grateful and respectful to our parents (our roots), how can we be grateful and respectful towards others? This was exactly my situation a few years ago. I was quite arrogant towards my mother, always thinking that I am more logical and well-informed than her. Since our parents are the closest people to us, the way we behave towards them is our true selves. Hence, even though I might seem respectful towards other people, if a big difference of opinion did occur, I would become arrogant and persist in my views. Later, I realized that a lot of my unhappiness in life was due to conflict with my mother, and the root of that conflict was my arrogance and lack of gratitude towards her. Once I started focusing on gratitude towards her, as well as all her good points that I should learn from, I gradually gained more and more harmony with her. I understood that she always has my best intentions in mind, so naturally I became more respectful towards her. 2: Respect Elders When we were young, we were probably all told to "respect your elders." Perhaps when we became teenagers, we felt like our elders are naggy. But ultimately, our elders have more life experience than us, and they tell us our faults out of love and care. They want us to have a better future than them and to avoid the mistakes that they made. Now that I am a high school teacher, I truly feel this way when I admonish my students to do their homework, to not waste their life away on video games, and to cherish their relationships with their parents. When we understand the loving intentions of elders, we naturally feel respect and gratitude towards them. 3: Respect Nature Respecting nature is more relevant than ever. Over the past century, humankind has been extremely disrespectful towards nature. We've already destroyed 80% of the world's forest. That's like having lung cancer destroying 80% of your lungs, except we are the cancer cells and the Earth is the victim. In the end, not only does the host die, but the cancer cells die too. I've written in detail about how we can save the environment in this article, but I'll summarize some major things we can do here: Eat less meat, especially lamb and beef, because animal agriculture is the #1 contributor of greenhouse gases. Buy local food and/or organic food. Plant a garden. Compost food waste rather than putting them in the garbage. Save electricity by using LED light bulbs, energy efficient appliances, and good home insulation. Drive less. Use public transit, carpooling, biking, or walking. I have made all of these changes in my life, and I can sleep with a peaceful conscience knowing that I am doing my part to help the environment. I found that many vegan protein sources are delicious, such as tofu, seitan, falafel, humus, and various beans and lentils. Moreover, I don't feel heavy and greasy after eating them. For groceries, I find that organic is quite expensive, so I buy local first, then organic. Both are good for the environment. At home, my family has very little food waste, but the food waste we do have goes to the compost and garden. Our lights and home appliances are energy efficient, and our heating bills decreased a lot after we changed our insulation many years ago. As for travel, I make an effort to walk to places if they are within 20 minutes, such as my local grocery store, rather than driving these short distances. 4: Be Soft and Adaptable Lao Zi highly praises water, saying, "The supreme goodness is like water." Water is extremely soft and yielding. When water in a river meets bends and turns, it simply goes with the flow. When water encounters a rock, it flows around the rock. Whatever container you put water in, water can take on that shape. If we reflect on ourselves, are we soft and adaptable or hard and rigid? My personality type is a planner. I always plan things in great detail, and when things didn't go according to plan (which is very often!), I got annoyed. After learning about Daosim, I started to emulate the qualities of water. I learned that planning is only halfway to success, the other half is adapting. For example, this past month, my schedule has been jam packed because I am attending a 12-hour online workshop every day. I had already planned my schedule previously to ensure I would have enough rest and work time. However, an unexpected event happened last week and took away a lot of my time. During that week, I had to adjust a lot of things, even sacrifice some things. In the past, I would have been super annoyed. Getting annoyed is just me causing trouble for myself. This time, I viewed the situation as a challenge for my adaptability. Not only was I not annoyed, but I was determined to pass this challenge. In the end, everything worked out fine, and I improved my adaptability. Conclusion Am I entitled or grateful towards my roots? How respectful am I to elders? How respectful am I to nature? Am I more soft and adaptable or more hard and rigid? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #198 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

These past few weeks, I have been attending a workshop on traditional Chinese culture. Venerable Jing Kong is considered a hero in revitalizing traditional Chinese culture, and last week, he passed away. Many people all around the world were extremely upset. Some people were in denial. Some people felt empty. Image Source Fortunately, those of us in the workshop had the guidance of good teachers, and they helped me recover after a couple of days. Lots of people were not as fortunate as me, and they continue to be depressed and sullen. Facing the death of loved ones is inevitable in life, so I wanted to share four things I learned from this experience. 1: Be loving while they are alive. One teacher said, "If you wait until they are dead to cry in agony, then you were not loving and dutiful enough while they were alive. Cherish them now. Then you won't feel regret when they're gone." My two grandmas are pretty old now, and I reflected on whether there was anything I still need to say to them or do with them. The main thing I wish for is to spend time with them, but I can't return to China to visit them right now due to visa restrictions. Hence, I can focus on the next best thing, which is to call and message them more. As long as we try our best, there is nothing to regret. I also try to not hold any grudges or conflicts in my heart. If I encounter any misunderstandings, I do my best to communicate and untangle the conflict as soon as possible. After all, no one can guarantee if they will still be alive on this Earth tomorrow. If we imagine that the person we have conflict with might die tomorrow, then we would naturally tell them how much we care about them, and that the conflicts are insignificant. Here is a great video on this topic: 2: Follow the Middle Way: Not too little. Not too much. It is fine and normal to be sad and to cry when a loved one passes, but we should remember the Middle Way. We should not suppress our emotions. Suppressing our emotions is very harmful for our health. At the same time, we should not be excessive in our emotions. For example, some people become so depressed that they refuse to eat for many days, which then damages their health greatly. If we realize that our emotions are excessive and impacting our ability to function normally, then we need to seek help. A great thought exercise to do is to imagine what the deceased person would say to us if they saw us depressed right now. They would probably say something like, "I know you are sad. Don't be so sad for so long. I want you to continue living a good and happy life." This helps us realize that to be truly loving towards them, we should recover our regular life and peaceful emotions sooner rather than later. 3: Ask them their wishes for you while they are alive. If we are clear on what our loved ones wish for us, then we can work towards fulfilling their wishes while they are still alive. Then, when they are gone, we won't feel like we neglected them. In other words, go ask your parents, grandparents, teachers, mentors, or any other loved ones, "What do you hope for me?" I asked this question to my parents and mentors, and I work towards their hopes for me every day. It is also a great conversation topic to revisit every once in a while. When we update them on how we are working towards their hopes for us, they will surely feel happy and loved. This way, we can prevent feelings of regret or emptiness when they depart this world. After they pass, we can turn the sadness we feel about their passing into motivation to continue living their hopes for us. 4: Carry on their dreams. While they are alive, we should also ask them what their dreams and aspirations for themselves are. We can then help them towards fulfilling their goals both when they are alive and after they pass. For example, my hero worked hard to revitalize traditional Chinese culture. Now that he is gone, I should continue to contribute to his mission. I can turn any sadness I feel about his passing into motivation to carry on his legacy. Conclusion Above are four things I learned this past week due to the passing of a loved one. If you have other wisdom on this topic, I would love to learn. What we can do today is to reflect on these questions: Have I been loving enough to my loved ones? Do I have any grudges or misunderstandings that I would regret not resolving if they passed away tomorrow? Do I know very clearly what my loved ones hope for me? Do I know the dreams and aspirations of my loved ones? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #197 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.