Today, my idol and teacher, Venerable Master Jing Kong, passed away in Taiwan at 2:00AM. He has had a tremendous impact on my life. He helped me understand that real Buddhism is not superstitious, but rather extremely practical, logical, and applicable to daily life. He also inspired me to make world peace my aspiration, and to learn traditional Chinese culture as the path towards that goal. Most of the content on the Weekly Wisdom Blog has been influenced by him, so if you received any benefit from this blog, you can thank Venerable Master Jing Kong. Image Source Normally, we are sad when our loved ones pass away. Well, in Buddhism, we understand karma and reincarnation. Buddhism teaches us to cultivate good karma so that our next reincarnation (as well as this current life) will be ever better. In the western cultures, karma is often seen as superstition, but that’s because people don’t understand how it works. Venerable Master Jing Kong helped me to understand it, which I wrote about here. Venerable Master Jing Kong had his destiny calculated (this is a common science in China), and his lifespan was only supposed to be 45 years. His father and grandfather also only had 45 years in their destiny, and they indeed died at 45. To give an analogy, our karma is like our genes. We might have a certain lifespan according to our genes, but we can extend that lifespan if we live healthily, and we can shorten it if we live unhealthily. Venerable Master Jing Kong encountered Buddhism in his mid-twenties, then he followed its teachings earnestly. His original destiny was to be poor and short-lived. But he became extremely rich (in the sense that he whenever he wanted money for a good cause, millions and donors around the world would donate), and he passed away today at age 96. He more than doubled his original life span! But that’s just a small taste of his full karma. The ultimate goal of Buddhism is to transcend reincarnation, thereby transcending suffering. Specifically, Venerable Master Jing Kong taught us to chant “Amitabha” and practice the Bodhi Mind (also called The Enlightened Mind) to be reborn into the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. There, you become a Buddha with infinite life. Over twenty years ago, Venerable Master Jing Kong said, “I will definitely be reborn there.” Lying is a big sin in Buddhism, so we can be sure he is not lying. If he lied, then there’s no way his karma would be so good. Therefore, I feel bittersweet. A certain part of me is sad that he has left the world I am in, but I am also very happy for him, because I know he went to the best place possible. Image Source In the past, he told his students that he didn't want to live in this world anymore. He wanted to go to the Western Pure Land now. At that time, many of his disciples cried. Later, he smiled and told them, “You guys did not pass the test.” Buddhism teaches us to not be attached to anything, to not cling to anything. If we are overly sad about him leaving us, then we are clinging to him, and that is going against his teachings. Hence, I will not be so sad because he wouldn’t want me to be too sad. But at the same time, I will miss him dearly. To give some more context, in his seventies, he actually was about to pass away. But then he saw Shakyamuni Buddha, Guan Yin Bodhisattva, and Amitabha. They asked him if he was ready to go. He said “Yes.” They asked him if he had anything else he wished to do in this world. He said, “No, but if you have anything you wish for me to do here still, then I will respect your wishes.” Immediately, he came back to life, and for the next twenty years he has been promoting Buddhism as an education (not superstition), inter-religion harmony, world peace (he spoke many times at the United Nations), and Traditional Chinese Culture (Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism). Image Source He taught me that the best way to repay gratitude to teachers is to follow their teachings. Therefore, I blog a lot about things I’ve learned from him (either directly or indirectly) and share my own experience. I hope that if he were in front of me today, I can say to him, “Dear Venerable Master Jing Kong. I am so grateful to you, and I have been following your teachings in my life and sharing them with others. I have done my best to be a good student to you, and I will continue to do so. I hope you can be proud of me, and I wish you the ultimate bliss that you deserve.” There are still so many things I’ve learned from him that I have not yet written about, and there is so much I still plan to learn. Well, he also taught me to not be rushed, that quality matters more than quantity, and that I need to walk my talk before sharing with others. So I will continue my slow but consistent pace of sharing wisdom to the world. Thank you Venerable Master Jing Kong. Yours respectfully, Alex Chen

Image Source Recently, I was chatting with a friend, and she told me that she has been feeling a lot of chaos recently. She reflected that she has a lot of expectations for her life and for other people. When those expectations are not met, she feels stressed, and other people feel uncomfortable too. I asked her if she has a lot of expectations for her parents. She paused and looked at me for a moment, so I explained, "How we treat our parents is our true selves. We can put on a show towards others because they are far away from us. We can put on one image to our coworkers, another image to this group of friends, another image to that group of people. But our parents have known us our whole lives. We can't fool them, so we don't try. If you are very harsh on yourself and others, I bet you are harsh on your parents too." She reflected, "Yes, actually I do have a lot of demands for my parents." I said, "Alright, it's great that you can recognize this. If you want to stop being so demanding towards yourself, first stop being so demanding towards your parents. After all, we owe the most gratitude to our parents. Without them, we wouldn't have our life, our education, our health, our job, everything. Even though they weren't perfect, and nobody is perfect, but they did their best for us. How can we be so demanding towards them? That's quite shameful, don't you think?" She nodded. So I asked, "Let's start with your dad. How are you demanding towards him?" She said, "Well, my dad is really busy. He runs a big company, and he also took care of all his siblings and their children. I felt a little bit resentful that he would give those people his limited time but not me. I guess I always wanted him to give me more time while I was growing up." I replied, "Yes, that's totally understandable. My mom was super busy when I was growing up too, and I wished for the same thing. But let me ask you this, whenever he did have free time, did he give it to you? I mean obviously he has to work to support the family, and he helps his siblings because he has a strong sense of responsibility. But when he did have time, did he give it to you, or did he do other stuff like go out and play?" She said, "No no, he did not waste his time like that. Whenever he did have free time, he spent it with me. He did try his best." As she said this, I could see her starting to tear up a little. I told her, "So often, we judge people based on their actions, but what we should be doing is judge people based on their intentions. Even though it might seem like your dad does not care about you because he spent little time with you, but actually, he gave 100% of his free time to you! That's full intention. If another father spends 2 hours a day with his daughter, but he has 4 hours of available time, that's only 50% intention. So if you want to repent for being so demanding towards your dad, then you should call him soon and apologize for not seeing his efforts in the past, and then tell him how grateful you are for him now." She replied, "Yes, I was just thinking that I should call him after our chat." I said, "Awesome. OK let's talk about your mom next. How are you demanding towards her?" She said, "Well, I think sometimes I just wish my mom was stronger. But like, she is already so amazing, and I already admire her so much. I guess I expect her to be like superwoman, which is totally unfair to her." I said, "Hmm… Sounds a lot like the way you treat yourself, no?" She said, "Yeah, totally." I said, "OK, obviously, you love your mom. I want you to put yourself in your mom's shoes. Does your daughter need to be like superwoman to deserve your love?" She replied, "No. In fact, my mom always tells me that I don't need to be doing so much to prove myself, that I am amazing the way I am already." I said, "OK, but you see your daughter demanding herself to be like superwoman, being so harsh on herself, how would you feel?" She said, "I guess I would feel quite sad." I said, "OK, so you love your mother, do you want her to feel sad?" She said, "No. I see what you mean now. I really don't need to prove anything to anyone, especially not my mother who loves me the way I am." I said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean your mother does not want you to improve. Imagine an infant learning to walk. We don't harshly demand the infant to be able to walk right away. We know the infant will fall and make mistakes. When that happens, we're there to encourage the infant. We have hope for the infant. We're not going to tell the infant, 'Oh it's okay, you don't need to learn to walk. I'll just carry you for the rest of your life because I love you.' No loving parent in their right mind would do that! We want the infant to reach their full potential. That's called hope. Hope is positive energy. Demands are negative energy. Have hopes, not demands." She laughed at my infant analogy, which meant that she understood. So I asked her, "How can you repent for being so demanding towards your mother then?" She said, "I will talk to her and tell her I'm sorry for being unreasonably demanding before, and I love her the way she is, and going forward, I will love myself the way I am, but also have hopes for myself to reach my full potential." I said, "Awesome! You'll find that once you let go of your demands towards your parents, you will naturally start letting go of demands towards yourself and towards all other people. That will reduce a lot of the inner chaos you felt before. You'll come to appreciate others more, and you'll see how everyone is trying their best." My Experience I also told her that I have the same problem as her, and I've been working on it. Like her, I used to be very demanding towards myself. I realized that part of the reason is because my mother would often criticize me before about my mistakes, so I always felt like I needed to be perfect and not make any mistakes. Then I would criticize her back about all her mistakes. Maybe subconsciously, I was thinking, "You're not perfect either. You should be perfect first if you want me to be perfect." But actually, my mom's intention was not to demand me to be perfect; she was simply worried about me making bad decisions. She is a loving mother. How do I know? Because she told me that when I was in her womb, everyone urged her to get an abortion because the family was not ready to have a child yet. But she said, "I don't care what you guys say, I am not going to kill my own child. Even if I become a homeless person on the street, I can sell apples and raise this child." Whenever I think of this, I get teary. How could I be so harsh and demanding towards my mother? Once I stopped being so demanding towards her, and instead started appreciating all the hardship she went through for me, I naturally started being less demanding towards myself and others. I also started having big hopes for myself. I realized that everyone is trying their best to be a good person, whatever their idea of "good person" means to them. Some people have incorrect ideas about what it means to be "good", which leads to their suffering, and that's so unfortunate. I was like that in the past, so I hope now I can spread wisdom and help people gain real joy through wisdom. Conclusion 1. Are you demanding towards anyone, including yourself? 2. How can you let go of demands and have hopes instead? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #194 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

There was once a very old man, whose eyes had become dim, his ears dull of hearing, his knees trembled, and when he sat at the table he could hardly hold the spoon, and spilt the broth upon the table-cloth or let it run out of his mouth. His son and his son’s wife were disgusted at this, so the old grandfather at last had to sit in the corner behind the stove, and they gave him his food in an earthenware bowl, and not even enough of it. And he used to look towards the table with his eyes full of tears. Once, too, his trembling hands could not hold the bowl, and it fell to the ground and broke. The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they brought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat. They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the father. ‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big.’ Image Source The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything. Story Source: Grimm Brothers, . (1905). The Old Man and His Grandson. Grimm's Fairy Tales (Lit2Go Edition). From https://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/175/grimms-fairy-tales/3093/the-old-man-and-his-grandson/ Commentary: American writer James Baldwin said, "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.“ It reminds me of another story I heard. Basically, a father grabbed his infant, raised him up, looked him in the eyes, and shook him while saying, "Say daddy! Say daddy!" The dad, of course, was hoping his son could learn to speak and say "Daddy" as soon as possible. Later, the son learned to walk. One day, the dad saw the son walk outside onto the farm. The son grabbed a small chick, raised the chick up, looked the chick in the eyes, and shook it while saying, "Say daddy! Say daddy!" From these stories, we see the importance of setting a good role model for our children. Whatever role model we set, whether good or bad, children are subconsciously learning. We should treat our parents the way we hope our children would treat us. If we tell our children to be respectful towards us, yet our behavior is disrespectful, then children won't listen to us. They will tell us, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you because your actions are so much louder than your words." Aside from the parent-child relationship, we can extend this idea further: We should treat our children the way we wish our parents to treat us We should treat our older siblings the way we want our younger sibling to treat us We should treat our younger siblings the way we want our older siblings to treat us We should treat our friends the way we want our friends to treat us We should treat our boss the way we hope our employees would treat us We should treat our employees the way we hope our boss would treat us Only when we have role modeled the behavior we want to see in others do we have the credibility to ask others to treat us that way. As The Great Learning said, "A virtuous person first demands himself to possess any good quality before expecting others, and first demands himself to rid any bad qualities before expecting others." (Original text: 君子有诸己而后求诸人, 无诸己而后非诸人) But just role modeling good behavior is not always enough for the other person to learn. We've probably all seen examples of parents or leaders with great traits that the children or followers did not imitate. If we truly want to pass on virtues to others, then in addition to role modeling, we also need to guide them. When we guide them, we need to be encouraging and not demanding, patient and not rushed. Then the other person will happily learn our example. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #193 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

This past year, I had the great fortune of meeting a wise person named Rudy, and we've become good friends. In honor of his birthday, I wanted to share some important life lessons I learned from him. Image Source Although I learned many insightful things from Rudy, the four biggest ones that come to mind are Reliance on virtuous friends The root of filial piety Don't do things for other people's approval Seek a mentor 1: Reliance on Virtuous Friends The first thing I learned from him is the importance of having virtuous friends that you can count on. We met at a summer workshop about sinology, which is basically ancient Chinese philosophy on how to be a good person. Most people from the workshop were from China, and he and I were of the few people who weren't. After the workshop, he reached out to me, saying that he noticed I seem very enthusiastic about Chinese philosophy, and he wanted to connect because it is hard for those of us outside of China to find friends who share this interest. Looking back, I realized that he reached out mainly to me to help me. He already has lots of friends who study sinology that he can talk to. So I am extremely grateful that he reached out to me. His enthusiasm and regular chats with me helped me stay on this wise and joyful path. Rudy often tells me a common Chinese saying that goes, "The spectators can see things more clearly than the players of the game." (當局者迷，旁觀者清） The idea is that we need to ask rational observers for advice when we are lost in a problem. When others have a problem and ask us for help, we are great at giving advice because we don't have any emotional baggage towards that situation. Yet when WE have that exact same problem, we become confused and act irrationally due to our emotional baggage. For example, I recently wrote a rejection message to someone. I checked it with Rudy, and he said, you should give the other person an alternative option since you are rejecting them. I thought, "Oh yeah! I thought maybe the alternative is obvious to this person, but I should still say it just to show my consideration." It seems obvious to a rational observer, but as the person facing the emotional burden of the situation, I neglected it. Aside from reminding us what we might already know, virtuous friends also help us see things we don't realize. The Record of Education said: "Learning alone without any friends leads to loneliness, shallow understanding, and lack of good sense." (Original text: 獨學而無友，則孤陋而寡聞) As a beginner enthusiast of Chinese philosophy, I was very eager to learn and apply those learnings in my life. But I often encountered difficulties in practice. Then I would ask Rudy, and he would help me have a deeper understanding and improve my good sense. #2 and #3 below are examples. 2: The root of filial piety Filial piety means being respectful and loving to parents, and it is the foundation of Confucianism. It is so important because if a person cannot even treat their parents well, how can they truly treat others well? When I was trying to practice filial piety, I was struggling with not arguing back when my mother criticized me. I felt like I was forcing myself to not speak and explain myself, which felt uncomfortable. Rudy then asked me, what is the root of filial piety? I didn’t know. He told me, "The root of filial piety is gratitude towards the people that gave you the most." For most of us, that is our parents. For orphans, their parents did not raise them. The orphanage staff raised them. Then being filial means treating those orphanage staff respectfully and lovingly because you are grateful to them. The focus is on your feeling of gratitude, not necessarily on any specific action. He helped me realize that I was struggling to be filial to my mother because I didn't reflect enough on how much gratitude I should feel towards her. So even if she said something that wasn't completely correct, I shouldn’t use a judgmental attitude to correct her. I should yield because I don't want her to be unhappy after all the effort she has put in to make me have a happy life. When the time is right, I can explain to her in a calm and warm tone of voice. When I understood filial piety better, I was much more able to practice it. 3: Don't do things for other people's approval There was a period of time when I got really busy, and I became very annoyed all the time. Specifically, I signed up for a couple of classes back in autumn of last year, when I had more free time. But due to some new opportunities, I had less free time, but I still insisted on attending these classes because I felt bad for leaving those teachers before the whole course was over. I thought those teachers might think I don't like their course. When I told Rudy about this, he told me I need to learn how to select priorities, and I should not be doing things for other people's approval. He helped me reflect: Do those classes and teachers actually need me to continue? No. Am I making the best use of my time by attending those classes, or would focusing on these new opportunities be better? The new opportunities. Would good teachers try to hold back their students from a better opportunity? No. After reflecting on these questions and answers, I communicated with my teachers for those two classes and told them I have new things that I need to do, so I can no longer attend their classes, but I really appreciate all these months. Those teachers told me they were happy for me and appreciated my attendance. 4: Seek a Mentor I am a very studious person, and I spend my free time learning sinology because I enjoy it so much. As I mentioned before, when I had points of confusion, I would ask Rudy, and he would help me understand. When he replied me, he often told me that he learned a lot from his mentor. He noticed I was studying very diligently by myself, so he asked me, "I feel like you really want to learn sinology. Why haven't you sought out a mentor or ask to learn from my mentor? After all, if you really want to learn, you need to take the initiative to ask a more experienced teacher to teach you, just like how if you want to apply for a company, you need to take initiative to network with the people working there." I replied, "Honestly, the thought just never crossed my mind that I could ask your mentor to teach me. But also, I have so many videos to watch still. Shouldn't I finish my self-learning materials first before seeking a teacher? It's just like if I have a question, I should first google it before I bother a busy expert, right?" He replied, "Of course it's good that you don't want to waste other people's time, but if you truly care about advancing on this path, you would take initiative to get a mentor. Plus, a mentor can guide you and tell you if what you are studying is suitable for you. You'll avoid a lot of mistakes with the guidance of a mentor. It's just like how when you teach your students, you know right away their problems are and how to fix them. They would advance so much faster with your guidance. The same is true for you if you get a mentor." His analogy really helped me see the need to seek out a mentor, and I asked how I could learn from his mentor. He then helped me join a weekly Chinese philosophy discussion group hosted by his mentor, and I've learned so much since then. Whenever I asked questions, this teacher would give extremely insightful answers that there's no way I could've thought of myself or understood from online videos. If he hadn't guided me to seek out a mentor, I would've wasted so much more of my life feeling my way around a dark room. Conclusion Happy birthday Rudy! Thanks for your wise teachings, and may we continue to advance our cultivation together!

I was talking to a friend who recently went back home after living for a while at school. She told me something surprising: "Every time I came back home in the past, I would argue with my parents. But this time, I didn't have any arguments. In fact, I feel so happy and grateful recently, sometimes, I just randomly shout 'Thank you mom! Thank you dad! I am so fortunate!'" I asked, "Wow. What changed this time?" She told me, "Well, I started to realize how difficult it is to be my parents. For example, my mother woke up late from being tired, but then she goes and makes breakfast for me right away. My dad works all day, but he still gives me a massage even when he's tired. Despite all their hardship, they show their love and care for me. How can I not feel happy and grateful?" Coincidentally, just a couple days ago, I attended a class on traditional Chinese culture, and the topic was filial piety (which means being a loving child towards parents). The teacher told us that our love and respect towards parents start when we see the hardship that they go through for us. Parents’ Hardship Parents sacrifice so much for their children. They sacrifice their sleep and freedom to raise us. They give us all the best things they can afford. When we're sick, they take us to the doctor and spend all day with us. When we're sad, they try to comfort us. None of this is easy or convenient, yet they willingly do this for us without requesting anything in return. Image Source Upon reflection, I realized that my mother sacrificed a stable life in China to come to Canada to give me a better future. She also worked extremely hard to raise me all by herself, put me through school, make sure I was healthy, and even set up her retirement so that I don't have to worry about her. Her life has been a hundred times harder than anything I ever went through. When I reflected on this, I felt bad about all the times I gave her a bad temper or made her worry. I also felt internal motivation to make her happy, not because she demands it from me, but because I want to repay her gratitude. Can You See Their Efforts? A lot of people complain about their parents, or even resent their parents for not treating them the way other parents treat their children. But if we put ourselves in our parents' shoes, we realize that they are already trying their best. No parent intentionally tries to make their children hate them; they just have limited ability. Every parent shows love to their children in their own way. But sometimes, we don't see it because we're too focused on how our parents "should" be better. The reason why filial piety is so important in Chinese culture is because they are the closest people to us, and we owe the most gratitude towards them. How we treat our parents is our true selves, and it will be how we treat others, such as our spouse, friends, and leaders. If we are always thinking about how our parents don't treat us well enough, then we will also act the same way towards other people. If we always look at the contributions and good points of our parents, then we will do the same for other people. Filial piety starts when you feel gratitude for your parents. Gratitude starts when you focus on all the hardship they went through for you. Once our heart has gratitude, we will naturally feel happy and fortunate. Then, we can share our positive energy with the people and world around us. Image Source Gratitude starts with our parents and then expands out to all the people around us. Your siblings sacrificed things for you. Your good friends gave their time, energy, and things to you. Your teachers, classmates, boss, and colleagues all helped you. The question is, do you focus on their contributions or their imperfections? Concluding Thoughts What hardships did your parents go through to raise you? How can you repay their gratitude? Repeat question 1, but for other close people around you. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #192 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Over the past year, I've become ever more fascinated with Chinese medicine. I'm pretty healthy, but my mother has accumulated pain and discomfort throughout her body over the years. Through acupoint massage and diet, I've managed to reduce my mom's pain and discomfort and also improve her emotions (I wrote about all this in my TCM Series). However, I'm not a trained professional, so my abilities are limited. A couple months ago, I had the great fortune of meeting a TCM doctor named Kun Liu (Angel), and she is at the top of her field. She comes from a family of TCM doctors, so she's been surrounded by TCM since childhood. She also got her doctorate degree in TCM and has over 15 years of clinical experience. She is a busy and highly sought after doctor, but I managed to get an online consultation with her for my mother and I. Before our first meeting, she told me to send her pictures of our meals for 4 days. Usually, my mother does the cooking in our household because she has the most free time, but she's never enjoyed cooking. She is also a devoted Buddhist, and she learned to not be so attached to the body and worldly pleasures like food. In the past, when I lived away from home, I had a phase where I really enjoyed cooking. I would have lots of variety, color, and flavor. I learned to cook delicious and beautiful recipes from Gaz Oakley's YouTube channel: When I returned home and tried to cook like this, my mother complained that I wasted too much time and money on food. In her defense, I was also very busy with work and study, so I really didn't have time to cook like that all the time. Due to all these factors, I let her cook, and her cooking was all really basic and time-saving. For example, we might have some porridge with steamed potatoes for the whole day. Or just some rice and fried veggies for the whole day. When Dr. Liu talked to us in our first meeting, she first asked us about how we viewed food. My mother explained that food is a hassle to her, that she doesn't want to be so attached to food, and that she wanted to make it as little trouble as possible. Dr. Liu had some diet recommendations for us, but that required my mother to first change her negative attitude towards food. Since Dr. Liu knew my mother was a devout Buddhist, she used a temple analogy. "I know you are a very earnest Buddhist. When you go to the temple, do you bring good things to offer to the Buddhas?" "Of course!" replied my mother. "Do you feel like getting the best things to bring to the Buddhas is an annoying burden?" asked Dr. Liu "No, of course not!" replied my mother. Dr. Liu then explained, "Our body is the temple of our soul. Just like how there are different Buddhas or Gods or spirits living inside different halls of a temple, there are also different spirits living inside our body. Chinese medicine talks about the five elements, and each element corresponds to a different organ. Each of these organs needs different food flavors and food colors to thrive. Just like how you respectfully make offerings at a temple, you should also respectfully make offerings to the five spirits inside of your body." Image Source This analogy really resonated with my mother. Treating the body well isn't an attachment. Rather, it is a form of respect. Angel also explained that getting the body to be healthier will make our mind more peaceful and advance our spiritual cultivation, which is my mother's goal. She then told us to try eating the five flavors and five colors everyday, and aim for a 33% split between carbs, proteins, and fiber. Image Source We followed the doctor's advice starting the next day. I went to the grocery store and bought lots of different foods. Since I was experienced with cooking lots of variety, I took initiative to cook for three days and teach my mother. After just a few days, my mother felt some fingers becoming warm. Dr. Liu explained that this was a sign that different organs and meridians were starting to function again. My mom gained more motivation to learn cooking. A couple weeks later, my mother's various pains and discomfort that I couldn't resolve got much better. When I gave her acupoint massage, she said she felt like her body has the energy to heal much faster. Moreover, her energy level and emotions improved a lot. She often felt like smiling and laughing for no reason. Before, my mother and I thought caring for the body was a hindrance to her spiritual cultivation. Thanks to Dr. Liu, we now see that the two are complementary.

What makes you worried? Perhaps your work? Or money? Or certain people in your life? I used to think that life would be good if I just didn't have any worries. But then I learned that even my idol Confucius has worries! In Book 7 of The Analects of Confucius, Confucius said, "Not cultivating virtues, not striving to learn, not emulating others' goodness, and not correcting bad behavior, these are my worries." (Original Text: 德之不脩，學之不講，聞義不能徙，不善不能改，是吾憂也。) Image Source Despite having these worries, Confucius was exceptionally and abnormally happy. Book 7 of The Analects also describes a time when the Duke of She asked Zi Lu to describe Confucius. Zi Lu didn't respond. When Confucius found out, he told Zi Lu, "Why didn't you tell him, 'As a person, he is so eager in his pursuit of knowledge that he forgets to eat, so joyous in his attainments that he forgets all worries, and he doesn’t even realize that he is getting old.'" (Original Text: 女奚不曰，其為人也，發憤忘食，樂以忘憂，不知老之將至云爾。) When I heard this, I thought, "Wow, I am a person too, and I pursue knowledge too. But I've never forgotten my hunger just because I was studying. And I still have lots of worries. I'm not that old yet, but I am aware of my age." Suffice to say, I am nowhere near as happy as Confucius was! So I asked myself, "Why? What's the difference between Confucius and I?" Then I realized, we worry about different things! I spend my energy worrying about what others think of me, my future, or even the weather. These are all outside of my control. Confucius is focused on constantly improving himself using whatever circumstances life throws at him. His focus is positive and within his control. It's All About Cultivating Virtues I also noticed that if I had to summarize his worries into just one, it would be cultivating virtues. Virtues are positive human qualities like love, respect, wisdom, humility, courage, etc. If you observe any great person, they have great virtues. Since I've started studying philosophy, I've noticed that all philosophies emphasize virtues. I also found a list of 52 virtues from The Virtues Project that is worth studying: Image Source Confucius's other three worries are all different ways to cultivate virtues. Striving to learn involves the virtues of studiousness and diligence. Emulating others' goodness involves studiousness and humility. Correcting one's faults is humility and perseverance. From Worry to Steady Like most people, I worry about my future, what others think of me, other people's situations, and random things like the weather. I can turn Confucius's four focuses into questions for myself to overcome worries: What virtues should I cultivate to handle this worry? What do I need to learn to handle this worry? Who can I emulate here? What bad behavior do I need to correct (or guard against) here? Example 1: My Future I am worried about my future career. I am currently a high school business teacher, but I am very interested in pursuing a niche field called sinology. Even within this niche field, I don’t know if I should be a sinology teacher or a translator of ancient Chinese texts or both. Let's go through the four questions. 1: What virtues do I need to cultivate here? I need to cultivate the virtue of duty, which means I ought to do whatever responsibility is in front of me to the best of my ability. Right now, I am a high school business teacher, so I will do that properly and use excess free time to explore my interest in sinology. I also need to cultivate the virtue of patience because haste leads to mistakes, and change needs time. 2: What do I need to learn to handle this worry? I need to learn more about future opportunities in teaching and sinology. I can ask to talk with experienced teachers like my principal and experienced sinologists like my friend's teacher. 3: Who can I emulate in this situation? I know of a person who used to be a primary school teacher, then he went on to become a sinology teacher. I can emulate him. 4: What bad behavior do I need to correct here? I need to not be hasty and selfish when thinking about my future career. If I want to change from teaching business to sinology, I need to take it at a slow and natural pace. I also should choose the career that has the most positive impact for the world and that most needs my abilities. You may not be contemplating a career change like me, but perhaps you are looking for a promotion, or trying to pass an exam, or looking for a relationship. The same four questions can be used. Example 2: Other People's Situations I have been tutoring a friend in English over the past few months, and I am worried about whether or not she will pass her upcoming IELTS test. Let's go through the four questions again. 1: What virtues do I need to cultivate here? I need to cultivate the virtues of tranquility and duty. If I worry, then that will make her worry; if I am calm and tranquil, then I can help her feel calm and tranquil. Duty means doing my utmost to help. I am not responsible for her results because that's outside my control. As long as I tried my best to help, I won't have any regrets. 2: What do I need to learn to handle this worry? I can learn more about the IELTS test that she has to take, which will help me be a better tutor. 3: Who can I emulate in this situation? I know someone else who is also tutoring students in IELTS, so I can learn from him. 4: What bad behavior do I need to correct in this situation? I need to not be demanding. Helping my friend is supposed to be a happy thing. If I become demanding for her to get a certain score, then she will have stress, which will reduce her performance and create disharmony. Instead, I should be encouraging. You probably also have someone that you are worried about too. Perhaps it’s your children, parents, partner, employees, or friends. Regardless, these four questions can help you find a solution. Conclusion After reflecting on these questions, my worries were reduced greatly, and I had much more mental clarity and calm in terms of what I should do now. What is something you are worried about right now? Ask yourself, What virtues should I cultivate to handle this worry? What do I need to learn to handle this worry? Who can I emulate here? What bad behavior do I need to correct here? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #191 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

What's the key to a happy and healthy life? In his Ted Talk, What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness, researcher Robert Waldinger reported, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin says, "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that strong bonds with other people are a key—perhaps THE key—to happiness. To be happy, we need to feel connected; we need to get and give support; we need to feel like we belong." Image Source: Unsplash Aside from romantic relationships, we all have so many other types of relationships in life, such as relationships with parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, bosses, classmates, and neighbors. These are all opportunities to build better relationships and hence happier and healthier lives. So how can we nurture loving relationships? This is a big topic, but we can break it down into three parts: Foundation: Accept and value them for who they are Growth: Use the Five Love Languages and the Four Methods of Guidance Preventing Failure: Build your conflict resolution skills Here is a click-able Table of Contents to help you navigate this article. Part 1 - Foundation: Accept and Value Them for Who They Are 1.1 Learn more about them 1.2 Bring out their strengths 1.3 Appreciate their Contributions Part 2 - Growth: Use the Five Love Languages and Four Methods of Guidance 2.1 Words of Affirmation (Loving Words) 2.2 Quality Time (Activities in Common) 2.3 Acts of Service (Beneficial Acts) 2.4 Gifts (Giving) 2.5 Touch 2.6 Learn Their Primary Love Language Part 3 - Preventing Failure: Build Your Conflict Resolution Skills 3.1 Cooperation not Competition 3.2 Opportunity not Problem 3.3 Timing not Speed 3.4 Responsibility not Victim 3.5 Feelings First not Logic First 3.6 Inspire Change not Force Change Conclusion Part 1 - Foundation: Accept and Value Them for Who They Are Deep down, every human being just wants to be seen, accepted, and loved unconditionally for who they are. Image Source: Unsplash Accepting and valuing others for who they are is easy to say, but it takes conscious effort to do. We need to Learn about them more Bring out their strengths Appreciate their contribution Marriage researcher John Gottman found that in happy marriages, there's a magic ratio of 5:1, meaning for every negative interaction, there are at least 5 positive interactions. When we do any of these three things, we are adding positive interactions. Doing the opposite of these things, namely showing disinterest in them, criticizing their weaknesses, and taking them for granted, would of course hurt the relationship. 1.1 Learn about them more (and yourself) Firstly, you can't value someone for who they are when you don't even know much about them. Just because we've known someone for a long time doesn't actually mean we know them deeply. It takes conscious effort on our part to learn about others more deeply. Here are some great questions shared by motivational speaker Jay Shetty on this podcast that we can ask use to get to know others more deeply: Who's the most fascinating person you've ever met and why? What are you best known for among your friends? Where would your family be most surprised to find you? What's been the most significant plot twist in your life? If you unexpectedly won $10,000 what would you spend it on? What's the most spontaneous thing you've done? No matter how long you've known someone, there are probably still new things to discover about them. It's not the discovery of new things that's important, but rather showing your interest in them that is important. Discovering new things about them is just a likely side effect. While learning more about them, you can also learn more about yourself. What are your values, strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes? When you understand yourself better, you can be a better partner, and you can help them understand themselves better too. I use personality tests like 16 Personalities and Four Tendencies. Some people also use astrology. It doesn't matter what tools you use as long as you find it useful for understanding each other better. 1.2 Bring out their strengths Second, we need to recognize and bring out their strengths. Remember that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. If we always focus on and criticize their weaknesses, then the relationship is headed for disaster. If we instead focus on their strengths and help them bring out their strengths, then they will feel very happy and appreciative towards us, and we will come to appreciate them more as well! Hopefully, you don't have too much trouble making a list of their strengths. If you do, it might be a sign that you don't know them well enough or that you're overly judgmental and negative towards them. If you need help recognizing their strengths, then you can use free personality tests such as The Four Tendencies and 16 Personalities, which tell you people's objective strengths and weaknesses based on their personality type. For example, some people are naturally very logical, while others are very empathetic. Some people are natural planners, while others are very spontaneous. Some people are naturally creative while others are detail oriented. Some people are naturally disciplined while others are harmonious. We need to realize that different people have different personalities, and all personalities come with their own set of strengths and weaknesses. We can't expect others to be perfect, and we shouldn't use our strengths to judge other people. Instead, we should be like detectives searching for other people's strengths, and then be like cheerleaders in helping them bring out their strengths. When we focus on each others' strengths, we will be happier and stronger together. 1.3 Appreciate their Contributions Motivational speaker Dr. Alan Zimmerman often says that the most common complaint in the workplace is, "You could do a hundred things right and not hear a word about it, but as soon as you do something wrong, they point it out right away." This applies not just to workplace relationships, but to all relationships. It's an awful feeling to be taken for granted and criticized for your occasional mistake. Everyone gives in their own way. Just like we should search for their strengths, we should search for their contribution and then appreciate them for it. Often times, we want the other person to contribute to the relationship in a similar way to the way we contribute. For example, if you always cook, you might wish your partner would do some cooking once in a while. On the other hand, your partner is thinking he always cleans the bathroom, and he wises you would do it once in a while. So the key here is to search for all the ways they contribute and then appreciate them for it. Not only does it help them feel appreciated, but it helps us feel grateful. To give workplace example, maybe your teammate is doing a lot less work than you, and they make many mistakes. Rather than focusing on his problems, ask yourself what he is contributing to the team and what are his strengths? When you appreciate him for his contributions, he will naturally want to contribute more. But if you criticize him, he will feel unhappy whenever working on the groupwork, which makes him want to do less. Moreover, you may only be seeing his mistakes because you're using your strengths to judge his weaknesses. But maybe he's doing a good job in another area that you're not strong at, so you didn't notice it. When we focus on their contribution and strengths, we all feel better. Now that we've laid the foundational mindset for building relationships, let's talk about actions we can take to raise relationships higher. Part 2 - Growth: Use the Five Love Languages and Four Methods of Guidance Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, explains that there are five different ways or "languages" in which people communicate love: Words of affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Touch. The first four can be used for any relationship, but touch requires cultural and situational sensitivity and is best used for intimate relationships. Image Source Chapman wrote his book in 1992, but interesting, 2500-year-old Buddhism has what's called "Four Methods of Guidance" for building relationships, and those four methods are basically the same thing as the first four love languages! That just shows this is really timeless advice that works for everyone. The Four Methods of Guidance are Giving, Loving Words, Beneficial Action, Activities in Common. Image Source: Yours Truly I like to think of the Five Love Languages as for intimate relationships and the Four Methods of Guidance for all relationships. When combine the two, we get Words of affirmation (Loving Words) Quality Time (Activities in Common) Acts of Service (Beneficial Acts) Gifts (Giving) Touch When we use the Five Love Languages and the Four Methods of Guidance, our motive should simply be to build a good relationship with them or to help them; it shouldn't be to expect something in return. If we do nice things with selfish intentions, the other person can feel it, and it would make them feel icky, which then hurts the relationship. 2.1 Words of Affirmation (Loving Words) Words of affirmation are all about encouragement and appreciation. When we encourage others, they will feel safe and comfortable around us, which nurtures the relationship. If we instead criticize them or put them down, they will feel afraid or defensive around us, which hurts the relationship. For example, let's say your partner started exercising. Words of affirmation might be "Wow you've really shown self discipline! I'm so proud of you!". Appreciation is key in a relationship; as Dr. Alan Zimmerman says, "All people wear a little, invisible sign around their necks. It says, 'Make Me Feel Important.'" We should focus on all the ways the other person contributes to the relationship and thank them with specificity. For example, instead of just saying, "Thank you for being a great mom," it's much more impactful to say, "Thank you for always packing my lunch and cooking healthy and tasty food for me. I'm so grateful to have a loving mom like you!" Loving Words is anything spoken with a loving intention. It encompasses encouragement and appreciation, but it also includes telling them things that need need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it, but in a loving way. For example, maybe your partner really needs to fix some unhealthy habits. Loving Words would involve patiently and kindly reminding them to improve their health for their own benefit, so long as they are willing to listen. If they get extremely annoyed at your well-intentioned words, then the loving thing to do would be to not keep saying it to prevent resentment from arising in the relationship. 2.2 Quality Time (Activities in Common) Quality time is about giving them your full attention. Going for a walk together and talking to each other is an example of quality time. Eating a meal together where you're both focused and engaged in conversation is quality time. But if one or both people are distracted on their phones, then it is not quality time anymore. Activities in Common also says we should try to do the activities that they like doing to build more commonalities with them. For example, let's say your partner has a hobby that you don't have. One way to build the relationship is to join them in their hobby, even and especially if you're not that interested in it. After all, if you knew your partner was willing to do something they're not that interested in for the sake of keeping you company, wouldn't you feel extremely loved and valued? 2.3 Acts of Service (Beneficial Acts) Acts of service refers to doing things for the other person to relieve their stress or to make their life easier. For example, maybe you help them do their chores because they are really busy right now. Or maybe you go do something that you don’t really like, but you’re willing to do it for them. Beneficial Acts encompasses the meaning of Acts of Service, but it goes a step further to be about putting the other person above yourself. For example, you do chores for them because you wish to help them and you don't expect anything in return. You view it as your natural duty to help them in whatever way you can. It's similar to how a parent might stay up late at night doing things for children or how teachers work overtime for students without expecting anything in return. Because the intention is so pure, when the beneficiary eventually realizes, they feel extremely loved and valued. 2.4 Gifts (Giving) When it comes to gifts, thoughtfulness is more important than cost. For example, if we know that the other person absolutely loves a certain bread from a certain store, then when we pass by that store, we could pick up that bread for them and tell them we got it specifically for them. When they can feel that we put in effort to pick something specifically for them, they will feel very loved. But if we get them an expensive gadget that they don't need, then they won't feel very loved. Often times in relationships, people give big gifts once in a while, such as on a birthday or holiday. While it's not bad to give big gifts on these special days, remember that thoughtfulness is more important than cost, and also giving frequent small gifts may be more impactful. Why? Because frequent small gifts requires initiative, and it shows that we are often thinking of them, which makes them feel valued and appreciated. If you just give a big gift once in a while on these special days, then it just feels like you're doing it because you're supposed to, which doesn't feel as loving. When it comes to Giving in the Four Methods of Guidance, there are actually four types of giving: Materials: objects, money, food, clothing etc. Energy: your time, attention, and energy; quality time, acts of service Comfort / Peace of Mind: A pleasant facial expression; words of affirmation Wisdom: teaching them useful things When we talk about giving gifts, most people think of giving materials, such as food or clothing or jewelry. But there's a lot more we can give! We can give our energy and time, such as listening to them (Quality Time) or doing something nice for them (Acts of Service). We can also give them comfort and peace of mind by encouraging them (Words of Affirmation), giving them a pleasant facial expression, and reducing their worries. Finally, we can give them wisdom to improve their lives. As the proverb goes, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." 2.5 Touch Touch refers to things like holding hands, hugs, high fives, kisses, massages, or even just being physically near each other throughout the day. For example, you could give your parents a massage to show your loving care for them. Another example is sometimes couples just like to be together in the same room even if they're both doing their own thing. This doesn't count as quality time because they're not talking to each other, but it counts as touch in the sense that they want each other's presence. Generally speaking, this love language is more for intimate relationships, so use it with proper etiquette. 2.6 Learn Their Primary Love Language Obviously, all five of the love languages (especially the first four) are great for building relationships. All people would appreciate any of the Four Methods of Guidance. But to go a step further in your most important relationships, find out which love language they like the most! According to Gary Chapman, most people have a primary and secondary love language. You can have them take this quiz to find out their primary love language, or you can observe how they like to give love and what they often request from others. We unconsciously to express love using our love language, but to really strengthen a relationship, we need to express love using THEIR love language. For example, my primary love language is Acts of Service, while my mother's is Words of Affirmation. Hence, I tend to show love by doing things like chores or cooking, while she tends to show love by giving me words of encouragement and appreciation. While I certainly find it nice to receive kind words, to me, I feel really loved when she does acts of services for me. While she finds it nice that I do some chores, she is really happy when I give her words of encouragement and appreciation. That's the difference between using someone's primary love language versus a random love language. Now that we know how to raise relationships up, the last step is to learn how to deal with conflicts such they we can continue to rise and not be dragged down by them. Part 3 - Preventing Failure: Build Your Conflict Resolution Skills American signer Dolly Parton said it well when she said, "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Image Source: Unsplash Just like how rain is part of the cycle of nature, conflicts are part of the cycle in relationships. Whether conflicts turn out to be good or bad depends on how we deal with them. If we lack conflict resolution skills, then conflicts hurt our relationships. But if we have good conflict resolution skills, then solving conflict can actually become events that strengthen the relationship, and we get a nice rainbow after the storm. Here are six keys to effective conflict resolution: Cooperation not Competition Opportunity not Problem Timing not Speed Responsibility not Victim Feelings First not Logic First Inspire Change not Force Change When we follow these six keys, conflicts become positive events that strengthen relationships rather than negative events that weaken them. 3.1 Cooperation not Competition Motivational speaker Jay Shetty said to his wife, "Remember, it's not me against you, it's us against the conflict." After all, if you get what you want at the cost of their happiness, that hurts the relationship. If they're hurt, you should feel hurt too. If you feel happy at the cost of their happiness, how can you say you care about them? A person once told me that she and her husband agreed that if they ever argue, they need to do it holding hands. This helps remind them that they are on the same team, and it helps them reduce conflicts and overcome them productively. What a great method! 3.2 Opportunity not Problem Remember, conflicts that are solved well actually raise relationships higher. Hence, whenever a conflict arises, rather than seeing it as a "problem", see it as an opportunity to practice your teamwork skills and strengthen the relationship. It's thanks to this conflict that we can better understand each other and better meet each other's needs. 3.3 Timing not Speed When problems arise, we often want to address it right away and solve it as fast as possible. This kind of attitude creates further problems. If they are busy or in a rush, then it's only going to annoy them, and there's no way you're going to solve the problem in a positive way. We need to judge whether or not that moment is appropriate to discuss a problem. If it's not, then we should schedule or wait for a good time to discuss the problem, such as after dinner or in the morning of a weekend. Pick times when people are relaxed and clear-minded. A good beginning is halfway to success! 3.4 Responsibility not Victim Playing the role of a victim would be blaming them and demanding them to apologize and fix our problems. That is immature because only we can change our lives, so the responsibility is on ourselves. Hence we need to focus on what we can do rather than on what they should be doing. By focusing on what we can do, we give power back to ourselves, which makes us feel happier and calmer. When we bring a happier and calmer energy to our interactions with them, they will naturally feel better as well. We should take responsibility for our part of the problem first. As actor Will Smith said, "If YOU are having difficulty with another human being...you are ALWAYS bringing poison to the party." Therefore, we need to become aware of how we are contributing to the problem and fix our part first. That requires us to understand ourselves and solve our own inner problems. For example, if you get irritated or emotional whenever a certain topic comes up, take responsibility for resolving that emotional discomfort within yourself. We can always work on improving our character. For example, rather than expecting others to improve, we can first improve our virtues, such as empathy, kindness, patience, gracefulness, humility, and trustworthiness. When we focus on improving ourselves, we even become thankful for them giving us this opportunity to train. When we improve, the problems don't seem to be problems anymore, and they just might get inspired by our example and improve themselves as well. 3.5 Feelings First not Logic First "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." —Maya Angelou When a conflict arises, our goal should be to help the other person feel safe and comforted, not to win the argument. If we try to win the argument, they will always remember the bitter aftertaste that we put in their mouth. When conflict arises, it's easy to get lost in our own worries and struggles, but we ought to remember that they are going through their own hurt and challenges too. The best thing we can do is provide empathy, to acknowledge their feelings. This requires us to improve our emotional intelligence. Most seemingly logical conflicts are actually emotional conflicts. When people feel understood, tension and conflict often fades without needing to logically solve anything. For example, maybe your partner is complaining that you never cook for them. Logically, you might say I cooked that one time last month. Or you might say fine I'll cook for you this weekend. But the conflict is actually that they feel like you don't care about them, so the solution is to provide empathy. You might say, "It sounds like you feel like I haven't shown that I care about you because I don't cook much for you, is that right?" Even though that statement doesn't offer a solution, just by showing that you understand their feeling, their will feel like their heart just had a knot untied. A great video that explains this idea is It's Not About the Nail: As you can see from the video, the girl just wanted empathy from the man. Only after people feel understood are they able to hear logic. A great book that explains this in more detail is Difficult Conversations, which I summarized here. 3.6 Inspire Change not Force Change When conflicts happen, we usually want the other person to change in some way. What we don’t appreciate is that change is very very hard. Just think how hard it is for you to change a habit. Yet when we ask someone to change a few times and they don't, we get really upset at them and think they don't love us! We should instead reflect on ourselves and realize forcing others to change doesn't work. Instead, we need to inspire others to change. How can we do that? There are five steps: Lead by example – you can only ask of others what you already do Show genuine care – they should feel that you have their best intentions at heart Teach/coach them – people can’t do what they don’t know Provide encouragement, not criticism – people need positive energy Be patient – change takes time For example, let's say you want your partner to give you more words of affirmation. First, do you give them lots of words of affirmation? If you expect something from others, first expect it from yourself. Second, have you given a lot in this relationship to show that you genuinely care about them without any selfish motivation? Or do they think you're just a taker who rarely contributes? Third, do they even know how to do what you want? Maybe they've never written a thank-you note before. Maybe they feel really awkward giving praise because they never do it. You need to teach them what you wish for them to do. Fourth, when they do make an effort, make sure to praise and encourage them to keep doing it. Finally, be patient. Don't demand people to change instantly. Imagine if someone has been slouching for years. You can't tell them to stand straight and expect them to be fixed forever. Even if the stand straight for a minute, their back will naturally go back to its normal slouching position. When that happens, we need to stay patient and remind them kindly. The same is true for habits of the mind. For more examples on how to change others, check out this article. Conclusion As the common saying goes, "The quality of your relationships determine the quality of your life." Nurturing high quality relationships requires us to Start by accepting and valuing them for who they are Use the Five Love Languages and Four Methods of Guidance to build the relationship Overcome inevitable conflicts in a productive way to continue strengthening the relationship One more big idea I'll leave you with is that we can even use these methods to improve our relationships with ourselves! That means learning more about ourselves, encouraging ourselves, appreciating ourselves, talking to ourselves with loving words, doing good things for ourselves, being patient with ourselves, and resolving inner conflicts productively. Nurturing relationships take consistent work. As the saying goes, "If you like a flower, you pluck it. If you love a flower, you water it daily." Image Source By following the teachings in this lesson, I hope you will be able to improve and nurture the important relationships in your life!

I've been very busy over the past couple of weeks, and one day, my mother suddenly got very upset at me, complaining that she hasn't had any time to talk to me properly over the past couple of weeks. I told her, "But we set 5PM as our talk time every day. Why didn't you say something sooner? Why did you hold in your worries for so long? If you had told me earlier, I would've stopped what I was doing to talk to you. You have to tell me what you're thinking. I can't read your mind!" Image Source I told this to one of my friends, and she told me, "Actually, I'm guilty of that too. Sometimes, I say one thing like 'Oh it's fine', but actually I'm not happy inside. Yes, your mom could have been more clear in her communication. But you could have been more loving too. Isn't love all about sensing the other person's unspoken needs?" What is Real Love? I remember a teacher said, "If you wait until your parents tell you that they're thirsty to get them a cup of water, then you are already not filial." (filial means being a loving child towards your parents). At the time, I thought this kind of standard is unfair. In western society, we grow up learning that the onus is on us to tell others what we want, and the onus is on others to tell us what they want. But as I reflected more on this, I realized that this kind of relationship is not real love. It is transactional, like business. In business, I tell you what I want, and you have to give it to me if you want my money. But real love is not transactional. Real love is like when new parents use all their attention to sense what their infant needs. It would be ridiculous if the parents demanded the infant to clearly speak what he needs. So indeed, real love is sensing what others need and then taking initiative to give it to them before they ask. It should also involving sensing what makes the other person unhappy and then taking initiative to get rid of that before they need to ask. As The Guide to Happy Life says, “Whatever my parents like, I will do my best to provide. Whatever my parents dislike, I will do my best to rid.” We can apply real love to other relationships too. In a good marriage, we see both people taking initiative to help each other without being asked. In a good teacher-to-student relationship, the teacher senses what is best for the student and takes initiative to provide that. In return, the student naturally respects and admires the teacher. In a good business-client relationship, the business takes initiative to sense what the customer needs and then provides it to them. In return, the customer naturally becomes loyal and supportive towards the business. So let's return to the original question: Is it my responsibility to know what you want? Well, if I truly love and care about someone, then I should take initiative to sense what they need and give it to them. Even if I guess wrong, they can sense and appreciate my good intentions. If I just want a transactional relationship, then I don't need to do that. Exemplar: Huang Xiang’s Love For His Father During the Han Dynasty in ancient China, there lived a 9-year-old boy named Huang Xiang. His mother died when he was young, and his father was sad and had to work hard to raise him alone. In the evenings, his father often read books at his desk. In the summer, it was very hot and hard to fall asleep at night. Wanting to make his father comfortable, Huang Xiang would sneak into his father’s bedroom, then fan the sheets so that they would be cool to the touch. Then he would invite his father to sleep. Image Source In the winter, it was very cold. During this time, he would sneak into his father’s room and warm the sheets with his own body heat. Then he would invite his father to sleep. This went on for a long time, and the father thought the bed was magical. One day, he learned that it was his son doing this for him the whole time, and he felt extremely touched and gratified to have such a loving and filial son. From the story above, we can see that Huang Xiang really sensed his father’s emotions of sadness and tiredness at the beginning. Then he took initiative to make his father more comfortable and happy. Moreover, he kept his actions a secret, which shows his sincerity. He was not looking for praise. His only intention was to add happiness and reduce sadness for his father. Obstacles to Real Love What are common obstacles to real love? The two biggest obstacles that we have to overcome are busyness and selfishness. When we are busy, as I was over these past couple of weeks, our mind is not present. We hear the person's words, but our mind is thinking about other things, so we cannot sense the other person's emotions or needs. When we are selfish, all our energy is focused on what WE want and how WE feel rather than what THEY need and how THEY feel. For example, when my mother told me I need to be less busy, I thought of all the things I wanted to do, not about how she was worried about me. My self-centeredness prevented me from being truly loving and sensing her good intentions for me. Therefore, if we want to be truly loving people to those that we care about, we need to guard against busyness and selfishness. Only then can we have a truly loving heart. Since our parents gave us this kind of real love when we were infants, it is only fitting that we try to return real love back to them. Although I regret my mistake of not being loving enough to my mother, regret is not enough. I need to have a solution to prevent the same mistake in the future. So in the future, I should remind myself that no matter how busy I am, I ought to prioritize quality time with family. It goes against human sentiment to neglect parents (who we owe the most gratitude to) yet treat others well (e.g., friends, colleagues, in-laws, etc.). Conclusion Who are the really important people in your life? The next time you talk to them, try to be fully present with them and sense their needs, then take initiative to give it to them without them having to ask. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #190 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

I recently heard an analogy of three types of people you see in line at the grocery store. Person 1 gets in a line and sticks to it no matter how slow it is or how much faster the others are. Person 2 changes lines repeatedly based on whatever he thinks might save a few seconds. Person 3 switches only once, when it is clear that his line is delayed and there is clearly a better option. Which one are you? Image Source Person 1: Refusing to Change If you are like person 1, then you need to be more flexible. Circumstances will inevitably change in life, and if we don't respond appropriately, we create trouble for ourselves and everyone around us. Perhaps you feel bad about changing your decision because you think it means you made a bad decision in the past. If that's the case, understand that a good decision is not defined by a good outcome. Good decisions can lead to bad outcomes sometimes. A good decision is one that is made using sound reasoning with the available information at that time. When there is new information (such as when circumstances change), then it is time to make a new good decision. Person 2: Changing Too Much If you are like person 2, then you need more patience. We need to give things enough time for them to show results. For example, if we start a new exercise routine, read a new book, take a new class, make a new friend, etc., we shouldn't write them off just based on a bad first encounter. If we give it a bit more time, we might discover how great it is. Person 3: The Middle Way If you are like person 3, then you are following the Middle Way. The principle of the Middle Way states that things themselves are not the problem,, but rather excess and deficiency of something is the problem. Never changing is stubbornness, while changing too much is impetuous. The Middle Way is to do our proper diligence when making the initial decision. Then pay attention to changing circumstances. If circumstances change enough, then re-evaluate the decision and make a change if appropriate. My Experience I tend to be more like Person 1. If I make a commitment to something, I am 100% in, and I feel bad for changing my mind in the future. For example, I attended several online classes in my free time in the past, but later, new opportunities came my way, and I felt bad about telling my current class teachers that I would stop attending their class. At that time, a friend told me, "You should not live for other people's approval. You need to prioritize things yourself, not based on what others think." I then reflected on these questions: Did I make the best decision back then based on the available information at that time? Is this still the best use of my time? Which is of greater service to all those around me? Can those people I'm trying to leave manage without me? After reflecting on these questions, I realized that I did make the best decision back then, so I don't need to blame myself. Moreover, those people do not need me to be in their class, and these new opportunities are a better use of my time and of greater service to my future and the people around me. I then politely told those teachers that due to new opportunities and time constraints, I can no longer attend, but I am very grateful for all the classes so far. I thought they might be disappointed, but actually, they were really supportive and thanked me for my attendance all these months. That made me think of an important teaching from Confucianism: A sincere and kind heart will always get through to people. Conclusion Are you more like Person 1 (stubborn), Person 2 (impetuous), or Person 3 (Middle Way)? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #189 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Do you have any treasures? Perhaps a prized possession, or a person whom you love dearly? In philosophy, treasures are precious human virtues that shine light to the world. Different philosophies have different guiding virtues. Today, let's look at the three treasures of Daoism (Taoism) In Chapter 67 of the Dao De Jing (Tao Te Ching), Lao Zi (Lao Tzu) said, "I have three treasures that I constantly hold firmly to: first is compassion, second is frugality, and third is not presuming to be at the head of the world. Compassion enables courage. Frugality enables broadness. Not presuming to be at the head of the world enables talent." (Original Text: 我有三宝，持而保之：一曰慈；二曰俭；三曰不敢为天下先。慈，故能勇；俭，故能广；不敢为天下先，故能成器长。) Why should we care about these three treasures? Well, they are worth a lot more than just money. They can save the world. Think about it: What problems does our world face today that cannot be solved by these three treasures? Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 If people were more compassionate, there wouldn't be so many conflicts and wars. If people were more conserving, our environment wouldn't be so disastrous. If people were more humble, the human race would be far more advanced. Let's go into more detail for each treasure. Treasure 1: Compassion Compassion is selfless love for all others. It includes giving others happiness and removing their suffering. Most people have conditional love, which means "If you behave the way I like, I will treat you well; if you don't, then I won't treat you well." People who only have conditional love are selfish, and they have lots of conflicts with others. People with compassion are selfless, and they share lots of love and positive energy with others. In The Treatise of Response and Retribution, Lao Zi gave examples of what a compassionate person does: "Show concern for widows and orphans. Respect elders and nurture the young. Do not harm even insects, animals, plants, and trees. Pity people's evils and celebrate people's goodness. Help people in emergencies and save people from danger. View others' gains as your own gains. View others' losses as your own losses." (Original text: 矜孤恤寡，敬老懷幼。昆蟲草木，猶不可傷。宜憫人之凶，樂人之善。濟人之急，救人之危，見人之得，如己之得，見人之失，如己之失。) From Lao Zi's instructions, we can see that a compassionate person is always thinking about helping others, whether they are lonely, old, young, small, big, animals, or even plants! Moreover, a compassionate person can really empathize with others, so they feel happy when others are happy, and they feel sad when others are sad. That's why they view others gains and losses as their own gains and losses. There is no selfishness in their giving. Compassion Enables Courage When we nurture our compassion to a certain level, we will naturally become courageous because we see that there are too many people in the world that need help. Rather than just seeking personal happiness, we seek happiness for everyone in society. Rather than seeking a comfortable life for just ourselves, we are willing to shoulder the weight of improving the world. That's why Lao Zi said "compassion enables courage." Compassion Can Save The World So many people in modern civilization only think about themselves and don't think about the consequences of their actions on others. For example, when we open the door, do we stop to think about holding the door open for the person behind us? When we enter the office, do we give a smile or greet our colleagues? When we wake up in the morning, do we think about how we can help the people around us? If we were more compassionate, then we would have more happiness and less conflict in life. On a larger scale, the world would have less conflict and wars. Self-Reflection: On a scale of 1 to 10, what is my compassion level based on the standards that Lao Zi gave? How can I raise my compassion level and have more harmony with others? Treasure 2: Frugality Frugality is about using less resources for the purpose of giving more to others. The foundation for frugality is compassion. Compassionate people use little for themselves but are happy to spend lots on others. On the other hand, stingy people save money for selfish reasons and are unwilling to spend money for the sake of others. In chapter 81 of Dao De Jing, Lao Zi said: "A sage does not hoard. The more one does for others, the more one has. The more one gives to others, the more one receives." (Original Text: 圣人不积，既以为人，己愈有；既以与人，己愈多。) Some people might think, "But if I give all my things to others, won't I have nothing left?" You have to try giving in your own life to experience the meaning of this advice. Think about it: Businesses give away free samples, and they get more profit in return. Volunteers give others happiness, and they gain happiness in return. Teachers give knowledge, and they became smarter in return. The more we give, the more we receive. In The Treatise of Response and Retribution, Lao Zi tells us to give more to others and take less for ourselves. He also warns us to not have insatiable greed or to waste resources such as clothes and food. Frugality Counters Greed and Unhappiness The root of unhappiness is greed: We want something and we cannot get it, hence we become unhappy. When we become unhappy, we treat others and ourselves badly. Frugality is a useful medicine for this problem. There is a common Chinese saying that goes, "When you are satisfied with what you have, you will always be happy." (Original Text: 知足常乐) In chapter 44 of Dao De Jing, Lao Tzu echoed the same idea: "One who has contentment meets no disgrace. One who knows limits meets no danger. Thus everlasting, one will be." (Original Text: 知足不辱，知止不殆，可以長久。) When it comes to anything, we should follow the Middle Path, which means not lacking but not excessive. Frugality is following The Middle Way: not too little, not too much. When we want expensive unnecessary things, we will be stressed and work very hard to attain them. After we attain them, we then need to work even harder to maintain them, and we become stressed about losing them. For example, some people work all day to buy a bigger house than they need. Then they have to work all day every day to pay the expensive mortgage. They don't even have any free time to spend in the house that they just bought! Other people look to buy nice cars or clothes, then they worry that others will damage their cars or have nicer clothes. Their unnecessary desires bring them lots of suffering. Frugality Counters Wastefulness Modern day business legend Jeff Bezos also emphasizes frugality. He picked frugality as one of Amazon's 14 guiding principles and explains it as such: "Accomplish more with less. Constraint breeds resourcefulness, self-sufficiency, and invention. There are no extra points for growing headcount, budget size, or fixed expense." People who come from poor and frugal families learn the values of diligence and saving. Meanwhile, many people from rich families have everything they want (and more) provided to them, which makes them entitled, lazy, and wasteful. Later on in life, they lack independence and responsibility, which leads to their failure. If we want a successful life, then regardless if we are rich or poor, we should act frugally, be hardworking, and save resources. Frugality Enables Broadness When we are frugal for the purpose of helping the world, then we have a broad heart. The Earth has limited resources, so if we can use less resources, then we leave more for others to use. If we overuse resources, then we ruin the Earth and make it uninhabitable in the future. Therefore, a compassionate person tries to use just the minimal amount needed and then leave the rest for others and for the future. On a global level, people are overusing our natural resources, which might make our Earth uninhabitable in the future. Did you know that people waste 33% of their food globally? We also waste 83 billion kilograms of clothes every year. Our wastefulness is killing both our wallet and the planet! Consider these questions: Do I know my ecological footprint? If not, calculate it here. When I eat food, do I eat finish everything on my plate? If I have left over food, do waste it by throwing it away? Or do I save it for later? Or compost it? Am I willing to eat less meat and animal products to help the environment? How much clothing do I have that I don't use? Do I throw away unused clothes? Or do I donate them or recycle them? When I brush my teeth or wash my face, do I just let the tap run? Or am I conscious of conserving water? Do I create a lot of garbage? Have I ever thought about how I can reduce my garbage? If we can all be more mindful of how much we spend and how many resources we use, then we can find ways to be more frugal. When we are frugal for the sake of giving more to others and for the future of humanity, then our environment will heal, natural disasters will reduce, and our future will be bright. ​Self-Reflection: Am I frugal, stingy, or wasteful? Do I desire unnecessary things, which then cause me stress? Do I create unnecessary garbage, which then hurts the Earth? How can I reduce my ecological footprint? Treasure 3: Not Presuming To Be At The Head Of The World This third treasure is about humility and yielding. Humility is about seeing yourself as not good enough and needing to improve. The opposite of humility is arrogance, which is thinking highly of yourself and down on others. Arrogance will make others despise us. Yielding means letting go of what we want and letting others have what they want. A compassionate person is happy to yield to others. The opposite of yielding is unrelenting stubbornness, which creates conflict and ruins relationships. In The Treatise of Response and Retribution, Lao Zi gives instructions on being humble and yielding: "Do not expose others' shortcomings. Do not show off your strengths. Conceal others' faults and praise their goodness. Give more to others. Take less for yourself. Do not be angry when insulted. Be surprised when praised." (Original Text: 不彰人短，不衒己長。遏惡楊善，推多取少。受辱不怨，受寵若驚。) From the above passage, we can see that a yielding person gives more to others and takes less for herself. This is was explained in detail above in the frugality section. We also see that a humble person never tries to show off or step on others. Instead, they praise others' goodness to raise them up. They also don't get angry when criticized because they are always trying to improve themselves. When others praise them, they are surprised and even nervous because they aren't as good as what others think. A Humble Analogy: H2O In chapter 8 of Dao De Jing, Lao Zi praises water on its humility: "The supreme goodness is like water. Water benefits all things without conflict." (Original Text: 上善若水。水善利万物而不争。) In his Ted Talk, Be Humble — and Other Lessons from the Philosophy of Water, Raymond Tang explains the three lessons he learned from water: Humility, Harmony, and Openness (H2O). Water is humble. Water flows down to lower places, where it nourishes all plants and animals without asking for any reward or recognition. Similarly, humble people are happy serving the group while being at the bottom of the power hierarchy. They are not interested in fighting for the top positions. If there is someone else who is more worthy of the position, they would happily yield to them. Like water, they care about benefiting all things without conflict. Water is harmonious. When water encounters a rock, it doesn't fight with the rock. Instead, it simply flows around it. It feels no anger or conflict. It maintains harmony. In the long term, water actually wears away the stubborn rock. That's why in chapter 43 of Dao De Jing, Lao Zi said, "The softest things in the world overcome the hardest." (Original Text: 天下之至柔，馳騁天下之至堅。) Similarly, if an arrogant and stubborn person encounters a humble person, he cannot break the humble person. They humble person will yield and maintain harmony. The arrogant person then gets more and more frustrated that he cannot make the humble person unhappy, and all the people around him start to admire the humble person more and despise the arrogant person. Therefore, what is soft and yielding is strong and successful. Water is open to change. It can fit in any container, be it a cup, pot, or lake. Depending on the temperature, it can be a liquid, solid, or gas. We live in a constantly changing world, so we need to remain open to changes, humble to learning, and harmonious with others. Humility Enables Talent To become talented and capable people, we must emulate water. When we are humble, we will feel the need to improve ourselves and learn more. When we are yielding and harmonious, we will get along well with others, and others will raise us up. When we are open, we can adapt to the changing world. How can such a person not become stellar? With so many conflicts and disasters around the world, we need virtuous, talented, and capable leaders more than ever. People look up to their leaders and learn from them. Hence, we need leaders who teach humility, harmony, and openness with their actions and speech. The rise and fall of any nation or group depends on how great the leader is. The best we can do as individuals is to be a good leader to the people around us. If we can influence two people, those two people can influence four, and those four can influence more. That is how we can change the world. Self-Reflection: How can I be more humble and improve myself? How can I be more harmonious and yielding towards others? How can I be more open to the changes happening around me? My Experience Having practiced these three treasures in my own life, I can attest to their value. Compassion I used to be very self-centered, but many things helped me become more others-focused: I heard legendary investor Adam Robinson talk about how his life became magical after he shifted from being self-centered to focusing on how to bring magic and joy to others. I heard this quote from Gandhi that really resonated with me: "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." I started learning and practicing Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism in my life. I can confidently say that I am much more compassionate than a few years ago, and as a result, I am much happier and more successful, and the people around me are also much happier. Frugality I used to buy things very quickly because it is so convenient to buy stuff online nowadays. Later, I would end up not using those things, which means I wasted money and created unnecessary garbage for the Earth. Now, I'm much more frugal and careful with spending money. However, I am very liberal in spending money when it comes to protecting the environment (I buy expensive organic food) and buying things for others. Humility Arrogance is definitely my biggest problem because I grew up being top of my class, and my personality is naturally very logical. I've worked quite hard over the past couple of years to practice humility. For example, I keep reminding myself The other person's happiness is more important than me being right. If I refute them, then they will be scared to advise me in the future. I don't need to explain myself if they didn't ask because they are not in the right mood to hear it. I am a little more humble than before. I still have a lot I can improve though. It takes times and practice! Conclusion Treasures are rare to come by, but today, we've been given three invaluable treasures from the Daoist sage Lao Zi. These three treasures are compassion, frugality, and humility. For us individually, they will bring happiness, love, and success. For the world, they will bring peace and prosperity. I hope Lao Zi's three treasures may become your treasures and the treasures of our world. Interested in reading more? Check out these articles: The Highest Love Make Good Use of What You Already Have Fortune Favors The Humble 3 X 3 = 23 Prestige Comes From Yielding Climate Chaos and What We Can Do Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #187 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

A Story About Hardship A young woman went home to visit her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She was tired, upset, and annoyed at all these difficulties. Often times, she wanted to run away or give up. Her mother listened empathetically, then took the daughter to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and boiled the water. She then put a carrot in the first pot, an egg in the second pot, and coffee beans in the third pot. After twenty minutes or so, she turned off the fire and put all three items in separate bowls. She put these three bowls on the dining table and asked her daughter, "What do you see?" Intrigued, the daughter replied, "A carrot, an egg, and coffee." The mother told her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that the carrots were soft and mushy. The mother then asked her to crack and peel the egg. She did and noticed the egg's inside had become hard. Finally, the mother asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter did and smiled at the rich taste of the coffee. The daughter asked, "What's the point of all of this mom?" The mother explained, "Each of these three objects faced the same adversity: boiling water. But each reacted differently. The carrot started out hard and strong but came out weak and mushy. The egg started with a soft inside and a tough shell, but it came out hard on the inside. The coffee beans were special: They changed the water. It used the hardship to elevate itself and accomplish greatness." The daughter's eyes lit up as she understood the analogy. The mother asked her, "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?" Commentary I've come to notice that most people, including myself, dislike adversity and even hard work. But without adversity, how would the coffee beans become coffee? If we don't lift heavy weights, how would we gain muscle? If we don't encounter and overcome adversity, how would we achieve greatness? Some people might say, "I'm not interested in achieving greatness. I just want to live a simple and comfortable life." But just because you wish for a life free of adversity does not mean it will happen. Do you know anyone who does not face any adversity? Therefore, if you really want a comfortable life, you need to raise your tolerance level towards hardship rather than praying for hardships to not happen. However, the point of this story is not to say that you should go looking for big adversities. Just like too little challenge is bad, too much is also bad. All things need to follow The Middle Way. When it comes to hardship, we should seek the stretch zone, where we feel challenged, but it is bearable. Image Source We can train ourselves for hardship before hardship strikes. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." Which hardship should you train for? Well, that depends on what hardship you are afraid of. To give some examples from myself, I was afraid of being hungry, so I tried fasting. I was afraid of people judging me, so I practiced public speaking. I was afraid of being broke, so I experimented with living like a poor person. When I did these things, I realized that none of these things were nearly as bad as I thought, and I toughened myself to these hardships. If such hardships happened to me in the future, I would be more able to handle them. Concluding Thoughts Am I a carrot, egg, or coffee bean? Which mindset do I want? How can I live in the stretch zone and improve my resilience? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #186 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.