How to Not Care About What Others Think Image Source Recently, a friend asked me for help with self-esteem. She told me she wished she could be skinnier, but she doesn't think it is for health reasons because if it was truly for health reasons, she would be willing to make herself go through the suffering of restricting her diet. She feels pretty healthy actually, so it must be for vanity reasons. I praised her for being able to be honest about her egoistical motivations. Only when we acknowledge our problem can we solve it. I told her about a quote I heard from Epictetus. I didn't remember the exact wording, so I paraphrased it: "If a person came and started slapping you all over your body, you'd be pretty upset right? Yet what you're doing right now is you are taking your peace of mind, putting it outside of you, and letting others trample all over it. Don't you think that's absurd?" How To Not Care About What Others Think She sort of nodded and then said, "OK, so how do I let go of this desire to be skinnier?" I asked her to clearly explain why she wants to be skinnier. Who are you trying to impress or make jealous? She told me, "Everybody around me. I hope other girls would be jealous. I hope men would desire me. I hope my husband would desire me more." I then asked her why she has this desire to make other people jealous and to be desirable by men. What in her childhood caused this to start? She said she was made fun of for her body when young, so she wants to get back at those people. I told her, "So you were made fun of by some immature kids, and then later by some immature teens, and maybe some immature adults, and you feel the urge to prove them wrong and get back at them. If a squirrel made fun of you and said, 'You suck! You can't open this acorn with your teeth like I can!' would you try to prove that squirrel wrong?" Image Source She laughed, which showed she started to see the absurdity of her attachment to what others think. I then told her a story: "There was this lady who cared a lot about what others think. She ate instant noodles for a month to save up money to buy an expensive dress to impress her coworkers. When she bought the dress, she wore it the next day to work. She waited for people to praise her on her new dress, but no one did. Annoyed, she went to a coworker and started doing fashion poses. She asked, 'Do you notice anything different about me today?' The coworker said, 'Not really. Is there something different about you today?' She was so upset, thinking she spent all that money and people didn't even notice!" My friend laughed at this story. I told her, "You trying to get skinnier for other people's praise is the exact same thing. If you want to let go of this attachment, then you need to let go of your egotistical intention and instead have an unselfish intention. For example, I care about my health not for myself, but because my parents will worry about me if I get sick or hurt. So I take care of my health not just for myself but also for my parents. Moreover, I have a big mission in life, and I need good health for that. In the past, I used to want muscles and abs. I worked so hard to build muscle, get abs, eat lots of protein, etc. At the end of the day, barely anybody even noticed all the muscle I built, and the important people in my life just wanted me to be healthy. Now I don't care about being muscular and having abs because it's not related to my mission in life. By the way, do you have a mission in life?" She told me, "Yes. My mission is to leave this world better than the way I found it." I replied, "OK, if your mission is to leave this world better than the way you found it, then do you need to be skinnier in order to do that?" She said, "No." I said, "So you caring about being skinnier is like you caring about squirrels mocking you for not being able to open an acorn with your teeth. It's completely irrelevant to your life goal. And why would we care about what ignorant people think? Once you see how stupid this attachment is, you naturally let go of it. Now, I'm not trying to look down on squirrels. I respect them. I also respect those people who are obsessed about their vanity. But I am aware that their maturity level and life goals are different from mine, so I don't care what they think. I want them to be happy, but what they think about me will not affect my peace of mind. If a bodybuilder came up to me now and mocked me for not having muscles and abs, I would just smile and praise his muscles and abs. If I were attached, I would feel bad for not having a body like his. If I were averse, I would scold him for wasting his life on such superficial pursuits. But I am neither attached nor averse. I am detached. I am happy regardless of what he thinks. So I just let him be happy mocking me, and I would encourage him to teach others the importance of diligence and perseverance. After he leaves, I don't give him a second thought." Bonus: How to Sustain A Marriage She then asked me a related question, "So I kind of want more romance in my marriage. Is this a selfish attachment?" I told her, "You wanting more romance to sustain the relationship is like relying on caffeine, cigarettes, and junk food to sustain your relationship. The romantic love you want is just dopamine highs. It is temporary, and your brain will get more and more resistant to dopamine, meaning you need higher and higher doses to feel that high. You cannot sustain a marriage on romance. Now I am not saying romance is bad. You should follow The Middle Way, meaning not excessive nor deficient. You should feel like he respects you like a lady and you respect him like a gentleman. But if you're always seeking bigger romantic highs, that's a recipe for suffering." She asked, "So, if romance can't sustain a relationship, then what can?" I said, "Well, based on what I've learned from experienced people, you need to have a shared life mission and shared values. Your mission is to make the world a better place. If your husband shares that mission with you, that can sustain your relationship when the times get tough. As for shared values, the most important one is filial piety. If they don't even feel gratitude and love for their parents, how can they do so for you? If they treat you nice but not their parents nice, then it is only out of desire. As soon as they don' like you anymore, they will treat you badly. Someone who can selflessly love their parents and always remember their parents' gratitude can do so for other people as well. When both of you focus on gratitude and giving, then sustaining the relationship will be long-lasting." By this point, we had talked for an hour or so, and she had to go. She felt a lot happier and more free than one hour ago, and we both had a lot of fun talking about squirrels. Since her mission is to make the world a better place, I thought sharing our conversation would help with that mission. We hope you got something useful out of it! Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #185 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Is there a best personality? An optimal personality? A well-balanced personality? Image Source These are questions I've been pondering ever since a couple of years ago, when I became fascinated with personality. I studied various personality tests such as DISC: useful for teamwork Four Tendencies: useful for getting ourselves and people to do things 16 Personalities: a comprehensive personality test Vedic Personalities: useful for career Five Elements Personality: useful for health I've learned that there is no "best" personality because each personality has their own strengths and weaknesses. But we can optimize and balance our personality by leveraging our strengths and correcting our weaknesses. Recently, I've been studying The Middle Way, and I realized that the optimal personality is when we apply the Middle Way to our personality traits. Basically, we don't want excess or deficiency in our personality traits. Instead, we need the right amount in the right situations. When we follow The Middle Way, we will attain peace and happiness. Here are some examples: 1. Kindness Kindness is a wonderful trait, and no one likes a mean person. Most of us could improve our kindness, consideration, and care towards others. As Aesop said, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." At the same time, we need to be wise with kindness. Examples of unwise kindness includes Making the other person spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful Making the other person dependent on us and weak Doing improper favors and things to make them happy Therefore, when we help others, we need to make sure they feel gratitude and not entitlement. We also need to help them become independent in the future rather than dependent on our help forever. Finally, we should not break any rules or do anything illogical out of emotional attachment to them. We also need a certain amount of strictness when teaching others. For example, the first time someone makes a mistake, we could teach them kindly. The second time, we can be a little more strict. The third time, we would need to be more strict and serious. If we don't, then they might develop a bad personality that would hurt everybody in the future. 2. Attention-to-Detail Attention-to-Detail is a great attitude to have towards matters, and carelessness must be corrected. The Daoist sage Lao Tzu said, "All great matters are accomplished in the small details." (From Dao De Jing. Original Text: 天下大事必作于细。) But if we become too attached to perfecting the details, we may create problems such as Being too demanding towards others, which creates conflict Wasting time on unimportant things Create unnecessary stress for ourselves Missing the big picture Therefore, we need to make sure our attention-to-detail does not give unreasonable pressure to others, waste time, or lose sight of the big picture. 3. Planning Planning is definitely an important ability. Confucius said, "In all things, preparation leads to success, and lack thereof leads to failure. Prepared speech prevents stumbles. Prepared tasks prevents hardship. Prepared actions prevent remorse. Prepared principles are inexhaustible." (From The Doctrine of the Mean. Original text: 凡事豫则立，不豫则废。言前定则不跲，事前定则不困，行前定则不疚，道前定则不穷。) To not plan properly is to be negligent. But excess planning also has negatives, such as Becoming rigid and unable to deal with things outside our plan Becoming stubborn and creating conflict with others Becoming indecisive and then procrastinating We should do our best to plan during the planning stage. The planning stage should not be too long either. Once the planning stage is over, it's time to act, and when we act, we need to go with the flow, to adjust the plan as we go along. 4. Conscientiousness Being serious and conscientious about our work and relationships is a great trait, but sometimes we need lightness too. If we are too serious, then we will feel stressed, and others will feel pressure from others. If we are too light-hearted towards things, then others won't trust us to do a good job. It is good to push ourselves to do our best, but if we push ourselves too much, we burn out quickly. Marathon runners have found that running at 85% intensity results in optimal performance. It is quite a lot of effort but also sustainable. I think this applies to our mind as well. When we do time-consuming mental work, we should do it at 85% intensity for optimal performance. It is great to be serious about commitments and promises, but we must also be wise. Circumstances are always changing. If what you promised made sense back when you promised it, but now it no longer makes sense, then don't be stubborn, and don't create unnecessary trouble for small things. Always act for the greater good. For example, I said I could do some extra tutoring classes for my school. Later, I had more important matters come my way. I felt bad about cancelling on my previous promise, which shows that I am too serious about small promises, and I need to improve my lightness. 5. Speed Nowadays, it seems life is becoming more and more fast-paced. From the moment people wake up, people are rushing. We rush to get dressed, rush to brush our teeth, rush to eat our meals, rush to get to places, rush to finish TV shows, even rush to fall asleep! If that's the case with you, then you probably need to slow down to find The Middle Path. The Words of Children is a book that the Chinese use to teach their children how to be good from a young age. The first line of this book is, "All speech and actions should be peaceful and serene. Most mistakes result from haste." (Original Text: 一切言动，都要安详，十差九错，只为慌张。) On the other hand, some people do things too slow. They take forever to pick their clothes, to do their work, or to make a decision. If that's the case, people are probably complaining that you are delaying them, and you should try to increase your speed. The Middle Way is to do things with a calm and serene mind. When we do things calmly, we focus well, make less mistakes, and complete tasks in a timely manner. My Experience My personality is More logical-focused than kindness-focused High attention-to-detail High planning High conscientiousness High speed As you can guess, I've been guilty of all the problems mentioned above. I've been working on improving my kindness and empathy. I've learned to prioritize the other person's happiness over being right. That one rule helps me resolve most conflicts. For attention-to-detail, I've learned that this is my strength, but I shouldn't demand it from others because other people have different strengths and weaknesses. I'm also learned to let go of perfectionism because that creates stress for everybody. If I make a mistake, just learn from it. Then I've made good use of that mistake, and that's a happy thing. I am a big planner, but I've come to realize that life rarely goes according to plan. Before, I would get frustrated and try to plan better next time. Now, I realize that I should learn to go with the flow, to let go of my past demands, and to respond as best as I can in the present moment. I still plan carefully, but I work on being more flexible and open when implementing the plan. For conscientiousness, I'm a very serious person as all my friends know. Being light-hearted doesn't come natural to me. When I get too serious, I get stressed. Stoicism reminds me that in 100 years, everything I'm stressing out about will become dust. There's no need for me to get so worked up right now. Moreover, since my goal is optima performance, then I can't be 100% tense, I need 15% relaxation. For speed, I am a go-go-go type of person. I really have to work on being more slow and serene. As a teacher, I have made progress with speaking slower and less in front of my students. When walking, I've improved on being more stable and steady. But currently, I still eat very fast. While eating, my mind is often thinking about all the things I need to do. That hurts my digestion, so I still need to work on conscious eating. Conclusion There is no best personality type, but whatever our personality is, we can learn to optimize it by using The Middle Way. When we follow The Middle Way, we will attain peace and happiness. Where do you stand on these personality traits? Are you excessive, deficient, or following The Middle Way? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #184 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Is excitement good? Is criticizing others bad? Is it better to talk too much or talk too little? If your answer is, "You need just the right amount," then you are a wise person! Ancient philosophers call this principle The Middle Way. Another way to explain The Middle Way is a state of equilibrium and balance. In that state, we are totally at peace. I think of The Middle Way as finding the optimal degree or amount of something. Furthermore, the optimal degree will be different depending on the situation. When we understand The Middle Way, we don't ask if something is good or bad. Instead, we ask if WE are following The Middle Way. The great philosopher Aristotle explained the Middle Way like this: "Anyone can get angry – that is easy – or spend money or give it away; but to do all this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right manner, is not a thing that everyone can do, and is not easy." Now that we understand The Middle Way and its importance, how can we use it in our lives? Here are 8 major areas we can apply The Middle Way: Emotions Desire Challenge Personality Speech Health Wealth Time You can click on an item to jump to that section. Each section will provide explanation, examples, and self-reflection questions. Part 1: Emotions Confucius said, "When the emotions such as liking, anger, sorrow, and joy have not arisen, the mind is in The Middle Way. When such emotions arise but restricted to a proper degree, the mind is in harmony." (From The Doctrine of the Mean. Original Text: 怒哀乐之未发，谓之中；发而皆中节，谓之和。) Recall that The Middle Way is also a state of equilibrium, where everything is peaceful and still. Emotions stir the mind and disrupt equilibrium. If an emotion arises to an appropriate degree, then we are still in a harmonious still. But if it exceeds the optimal threshold, we are no longer balanced. To give an analogy, imagine you are in a boat on the water. When your mind is calm and still, free of emotions, then the water is very calm, so the boat is very stable. When emotions arise but to a proper degree, the water now has some small waves. The waves don't threaten the boat, so you are still safe. But if emotions become excessive, then the waves are now very strong, and they rock the boat or even flip the boat over. From this analogy, we can understand why extreme emotions are harmful. We can imagine that someone who likes or dislikes something too much will become biased and irrational. Someone who gets a lot of anger or sorrow will be miserable. Someone who gets extreme joy will be depressed shortly after. It is no wonder all the wise sages taught us to cultivate emotional stability, to remain calm and peaceful no matter what happens in the outside world. The two keys to emotional stability are wisdom and selfless love. Wisdom helps us to upgrade our thinking, replacing our ignorant ways of thinking with timeless principles taught by past sages. Having wisdom is like having a good guidebook for navigating life. Selfless love is about forgetting yourself in the service of the greater good. Helping others is the simplest way to have a meaningful life. Part 2: Desire Most people are either attached or averse to things. We like this and dislike that. We want this and avoid that. Aversion, by the way, is just another form of attachment. It is being attached to "don't want" as opposed to "want". All the wise sages taught attachment and aversion leads to suffering. The Middle Path is detachment. I heard a great quote that explains detachment: “Detachment is not that you own nothing, but that nothing should own you.” –Ali, cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Muhammed In other words, The Middle Way is to neither be attached nor averse to anything. Instead, we should appreciate and make the best use of everything that happens for the greater good (as opposed to selfishness). Stoicism calls this Amori Fati: To love everything that happens Buddhism calls this Going with the Flow: To respond to the present situation without any attachment Daoism calls this Non-Action: To act or respond without any self-imposed will or desire The key to detachment is to get rid of selfish intentions and replace them with intentions to benefit the greater good. For example, I am planning to apply for a university program. If I am attached to getting in the program for my own ego, then I will feel bad if I don't get in. But my intention is to benefit the world by upgrading my wisdom. Even if I don't get in, I can still pursue this intention through self-learning at home. Hence, I am not attached to the result, so I feel free rather than nervous or stressed. When bad things happen, always view it as an opportunity to improve your character and virtues, which will then allow you to serve the world better. For example, when I got some painful canker sores recently, I tried hard to not let that pain make me impatient and rude towards other people. Although the pain wasn't pleasant, I found a noble use for it. Part 3: Challenge Most people dislike pain and hardship. Obviously, too much challenge is unbearable. But a life with too little challenge becomes boring and stagnant. Growth requires challenge, and the optimal degree of challenge is to live in the stretch zone. Image Source To live in the stretch zone, we need to have challenging but attainable goals in life. We can also train ourselves for hardship before hardship strikes. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "I may wish to be free from torture, but if the time comes for me to endure it, I'll wish to bear it courageously with bravery and honor. Wouldn't I prefer not to fall into war? But if war does befall me, I'll wish to carry nobly the wounds, starvation, and other necessities of war. Neither am I so crazy as to desire illness, but if I must suffer illness, I'll wish to do nothing rash or dishonorable. The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." Which hardship should you train for? Well, that depends on what hardship you are afraid of. If you are afraid of going hungry, try fasting. If you are afraid of people judging, try going to a public speaking class or stand-up comedy class. If you are afraid of being poor, try living a week like a poor person. You get the idea. Part 4: Personality Every personality trait has its good and bad points. To optimize our personality, we need to Follow the Middle Way. If we maintain The Middle Way, we can bring out the good. If we have excess or deficiency in a personality trait, or we use it in the wrong situation, then it becomes negative. 4.1 Kindness Kindness is a wonderful trait, and no one likes a mean person. Most of us could improve our kindness, consideration, and care towards others. As Aesop said, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." At the same time, we need to be wise with kindness. Examples of unwise kindness includes Making the other person spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful Making the other person dependent on us and weak Doing improper favors and things to make them happy Therefore, when we help others, we need to make sure they feel gratitude and not entitlement. We also need to help them become independent in the future rather than dependent on our help forever. Finally, we should not break any rules or do anything illogical out of emotional attachment to them. We also need a certain amount of strictness when teaching others. For example, the first time someone makes a mistake, we could teach them kindly. The second time, we can be a little more strict. The third time, we would need to be more strict and serious. If we don't, then they might develop a bad personality that would hurt everybody in the future. 4.2 Attention-to-Detail Attention-to-Detail is a great attitude to have towards matters, and carelessness must be corrected. The Daoist sage Lao Tzu said, "All great matters are accomplished in the small details." (From Dao De Jing. Original Text: 天下大事必作于细。) But if we become too attached to perfecting the details, we may create problems such as Being too demanding towards others, which creates conflict Wasting time on unimportant things Create unnecessary stress for ourselves Missing the big picture Therefore, we need to make sure our attention-to-detail does not give unreasonable pressure to others, waste time, or lose sight of the big picture. 4.3 Planning Planning is definitely an important ability. Confucius said, "In all things, preparation leads to success, and lack thereof leads to failure. Prepared speech prevents stumbles. Prepared tasks prevents hardship. Prepared actions prevent remorse. Prepared principles are inexhaustible." (From The Doctrine of the Mean. Original text: 凡事豫则立，不豫则废。言前定则不跲，事前定则不困，行前定则不疚，道前定则不穷。) To not plan properly is to be negligent. But excess planning also has negatives, such as Becoming rigid and unable to deal with things outside our plan Becoming stubborn and creating conflict with others Becoming indecisive and then procrastinating We should do our best to plan during the planning stage. The planning stage should not be too long either. Once the planning stage is over, it's time to act, and when we act, we need to go with the flow, to adjust the plan as we go along. 4.4 Conscientiousness Being serious and conscientious about our work and relationships is a great trait, but sometimes we need lightness too. If we are too serious, then we will feel stressed, and others will feel pressure from others. If we are too light-hearted towards things, then others won't trust us to do a good job. It is good to push ourselves to do our best, but if we push ourselves too much, we burn out quickly. Marathon runners have found that running at 85% intensity results in optimal performance. It is quite a lot of effort but also sustainable. I think this applies to our mind as well. When we do time-consuming mental work, we should do it at 85% intensity for optimal performance. It is great to be serious about commitments and promises, but we must also be wise. Circumstances are always changing. If what you promised made sense back when you promised it, but now it no longer makes sense, then don't be stubborn, and don't create unnecessary trouble for small things. Always act for the greater good. For example, I said I could do some extra tutoring classes for my school. Later, I had more important matters come my way. I felt bad about cancelling on my previous promise, which shows that I am too serious about small promises, and I need to improve my lightness. 4.5 Speed Nowadays, it seems life is becoming more and more fast-paced. From the moment people wake up, people are rushing. We rush to get dressed, rush to brush our teeth, rush to eat our meals, rush to get to places, rush to finish TV shows, even rush to fall asleep! If that's the case with you, then you probably need to slow down to find The Middle Path. The Words of Children is a book that the Chinese use to teach their children how to be good from a young age. The first line of this book is, "All speech and actions should be peaceful and serene. Most mistakes result from haste." (Original Text: 一切言动，都要安详，十差九错，只为慌张。) On the other hand, some people do things too slow. They take forever to pick their clothes, to do their work, or to make a decision. If that's the case, people are probably complaining that you are delaying them, and you should try to increase your speed. The Middle Way is to do things with a calm and serene mind. When we do things calmly, we focus well, make less mistakes, and complete tasks in a timely manner. Part 5: Speech Speech can be separated in to general speech, praise, and criticisms. 5.1 General Speech If we draw inference from Aristotle, then we can say "Anyone can speak. But to do speak to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right manner, is not a thing that everyone can do, and is not easy." All the wise sages of the past gave similar teachings on speech. Socrates taught the triple filter test: Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful to the listener? The Buddha also had a triple filter test: Is it true? Is it beneficial to the listener? Is now the right time? Confucius taught many rules of speech: Be trustworthy, don't use foul language, don't exaggerate, make sure the volume and speed are comfortable, be concise. If we all improved our speech, imagine how much more happy our relationships would be and how much more harmony society would have 5.2 Giving Praise Giving praise to others is a good thing, and most of us could give more praise to the people around us. According to communication expert Alan Zimmerman, the most common workplace complaint is, “You can do a hundred things right and not hear a darn thing about it. Do one thing wrong and they're right on your back.”. This is true for all bad relationships, not just work relationships. Marriage research from the Gottman Institute found that happily married couples have at least 5 positive interactions (praise, appreciation, love) for every 1 negative interaction. Meanwhile, happiest couples have 20 positive interactions per negative one. Despite the importance of praising others more, we also need to be wise with our praise. We should praise people's virtues and effort rather than on their results. In other words, praise their input, not their output. For example, instead of praising students on getting high grades, we should praise them on how they worked hard and asked lots of questions, the result of which is their high grades. If we only praise the result but not the input, then people might resort to doing unethical things for the result. Another example is praising people on their character and virtues rather than superficial things like appearances or possession. What we praise others on is what they will seek more of in life. If we praise people on physical appearances or possessions, they will waste their life and money trying to improve those things, and they would always feel bad because other people look better or have more possessions. If we praise them on being a good person, on virtues like love, respect, humility, and responsibility, then they will work hard to improve those virtues, and they would have a great life. 5.3 Giving Advice and Criticism Most people don't like hearing criticism. But if we truly want the best for their future, then we should try to advise them. When giving criticism, it must come from a heart of care rather than blame. A caring intention will naturally result in a gentle tone of voice and warm facial expression. A blaming intention will naturally result in a harsh tone of voice and ugly facial expression. We also need to make sure our criticism is not overly demanding, that it is doable for them. If our demand is too high, they would feel pressured, unmotivated, and unloved. For example, as a teacher, I give my top students very nit-picky feedback to improve their assignments. But for the weaker students, I just focus on the next do-able step for them so that they don't feel overwhelmed. Part 6: Health Our body needs food, movement, and rest for health. Following The Middle Way results in good health, while excess and deficiency both create illness. Traditional Chinese Medicine follows The Middle Path by advocating balance. It uses the term Yin Yang to refer to balance. Furthermore, everyone's body situation is different, so everyone needs different things to bring their body back into equilibrium. Image Source 6.1 Food For food, we need to eat the right type of foods for our situation and in the right amounts. In the west, people often think that a certain food or nutrient is amazing, and then they eat as much as that as they can. That easily results in excess, which then harms the body. For example, when I heard that raw fruits and vegetables are very healthy in the past, I ate tons of them. That made me very cold and hurt my digestion. Later, when I learned about Traditional Chinese Medicine, I learned that everyone has a different body constitution, and we should eat according to our body's specific needs. In other words, foods that are good for one person may be different from food good for another person. The optimal amount of different foods also varies by the person. We should also only eat to 80% full for optimal digestion. 6.2 Movement For movement, we need an optimal amount and variety in daily life. If we just lie on the couch or sit in a chair all day, our muscle strength and health will deteriorate. But if we overdo ourselves in physical activity, then we might injure ourselves. The type of movement is also important. In the Blue Zones, which are areas in the world with the longest lifespans, people don't go to the gym a few times a week for intense workouts. Instead, their daily life is full of natural movement. They walk to places, carry groceries home, do gardening, take the stairs, clean the house, etc. These are all movements that the human body is designed to do, so they are in harmony with our body. 6.3 Rest For rest, we obviously will feel bad if we sleep too little. But sleeping too much is inappropriate too. The optimal amount of sleep will be different for everyone, and you should experiment to see how many hours feels natural and best for you. Moreover, sleeping at the right (or natural) time is important. Thanks to electricity and technology, people have lots of stuff they can do at night instead of sleeping. But this is not natural, so it is not aligned with The Middle Way. Western medicine has found that 10PM to 2AM is the most important time to sleep. Chinese medicine emphasizes 11PM to 3AM. Sleeping at those times accords with the natural equilibrium of nature. Part 7: Wealth Wealth includes money and possessions. 7.1 Amount of Wealth Most people think that the more wealth they have, the better. But that's not true. The reason we want wealth is to be happy, yet studies show that our happiness does not increase indefinitely with wealth. Instead, happiness increases at the beginning when we can afford things for survival, then comforts, then some luxuries. But more wealth after that does not improve happiness. In fact, it decreases happiness! Image Source Why would more wealth decrease happiness? It's because of greed and ego. There's always more to want and wealthier people to compare yourself to. When we keep chasing more, we lose our time and peace of mind, which then reduces our happiness. As Seneca said, "It is inevitable that life will be not just very short but very miserable for those who acquire by great toil what they must keep by greater toil." For example, people will work hard in a job they don't enjoy to buy fancy things they don't need to impress people they don't like, and then they don't even have the time or health to enjoy their possessions. They spent great toil to obtain the possession, then they spend even more toil to maintain it. This is self-imposed suffering. Hence, Epictetus said, "Curb your desire--don't set your heart on so many things and you will get what you need." We really don't need that much money or possessions if we can learn to be smart and frugal with our money. When our desires reduce, our stress reduces. If we have the ability to make more money than we need, then we should use that extra money to help the world. Research shows that people who spend money helping others are happier than those who spend money on themselves. That's why billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are happy. They spend their time trying to help the world, not indulging in luxuries. As Musonius Rufus said, "How much better is it to be known for doing well by many than for living extravagantly? How much more worthy than spending on sticks and stones is it to spend on people?" In summary, applying The Middle Way to wealth means only desiring enough wealth to live a stable and productive life, and then using extra wealth to help the world. 7.2 Quality of Possessions Some people like to buy expensive things, while others like to buy cheap things. The Middle Way is buying the thing with the optimal quality-to-price ratio that is suitable for your situation. It makes sense to spend more money on things if It is required for our work It is a gift for someone else It is an important item that we will use a lot in daily life For example, if I need a good computer for my work, then it is appropriate and optimal for me to buy a more expensive but high quality computer. Also, when we buy gifts for others, we should also buy good quality things to show our respect for them. For things we use in daily life, we should care about quality. Such things include our food, clothes, bed, blankets, etc. If we go too cheap with these things, we might hurt our health or create a lot of unnecessary inconvenience. But we don't need to go super luxury either. Part 8: Time Time is one of our most precious resources. Often times, we ask ourselves whether or not we should do something. The answer is not always a yes or a no, but rather how much time is most suitable for that thing? When it comes to time management, we should prioritize people based on order of gratitude. Parents and family come first because we owe the most gratitude to them. This doesn't necessarily mean we spend the most time with our family, but it does mean that their needs come first in our heart. Next is our job because that supports our livelihood right now. Then comes our friends, and then everything else, such as hobbies and entertainment. Prioritizing others according to gratitude aligns with human nature, thus we will feel comfortable and at peace. This aligns with The Middle Way. Another time management framework I use is the important-urgent quadrant from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to this framework, we should prioritize the important but non-urgent things such as our health, relationships, and self-improvement. Focusing on these things will prevent emergencies from arising, such as illness, relationship conflicts, and problems. Conclusion Life is not black or white, and things are not absolutely good or bad. It is excess or deficiency of things that results in harm. Hence, we need to follow The Middle Path for things to obtain benefit, happiness, and peace. This article looked at 8 major areas of life where we can apply The Middle Path: Emotions Desire Challenge Personality Traits Speech Health Wealth Time How will you apply The Middle Way in your life? Are there any areas I missed? Comment below!

A Quick Story: Socrates' Triple Filter Test Statue of Socrates -- Athens, Greece. Hiroshi Higuchi / Getty Images One day in ancient Greece, an acquaintance met with the great philosopher Socrates and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?" “Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything, let’s put it through the triple filter test.” “Triple filter?” the man asked. “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “The first filter is truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man replied, “Well, no… I just heard about it and—” Socrates interrupted, “Alright, so you don’t even know if it’s true. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something that’s good?” The man replied, “No, on the contrary—”. Socrates interrupted again, “So you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. Okay let’s try the final filter, the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful for me?” The man replied, “Not really—”. Socrates concluded, “Well, if what you want to say is not true, not good, nor useful, then why say it at all?” ----- How to Speak Properly Julian Treasure once said, “The human voice…It’s the most powerful sound in the world, probably. It’s the only one that can start a war or say ‘I love you’.” Indeed, uncareful speech leads to many problems, while thoughtful speech creates a better world. Yet how many of us have actually learned how to speak? Imagine if Socrates’ Triple Filter Test was taught to all children, how different would our media be, and how different would the world be? Socrates isn’t the only person to emphasize proper speech. Confucius also has many teachings on proper speech. Image Source Confucius's teachings on proper speech can be found in the book Di Zi Gui: Guide to Happy Life: Whatever I speak, trustworthiness comes first When I speak, make sure the volume and speed are comfortable for the listener When I speak, make eye contact with the listener Speaking less is better than speaking more Don’t use flowery language, foul language, or exaggeration What I do not know for sure, do not say These principles were taught to children and practiced by adults in ancient China, which is a major factor to their societal peace and harmony. Aside from Socrates and Confucius, the Buddha also emphasized cultivating proper speech. anuchit kamsongmueang / Getty Images In fact, Buddhism has a very similar three-filter test to Socrates: Is it true? Is it beneficial for the receiver? Is it a timely opportunity to speak? We can see that the key principle here is to be considerate of the listener. Self-Reflection Personally, I have three bad speaking habits: Rambling: It's no wonder my students get distracted or uninterested when I'm talking. I shouldn't blame them; I need to cultivate my speaking abilities. Untimely Speech: When it's not a good time to speak to the other person, but I'm worried I'll forget later, I'll still speak, and then the other person gets annoyed and won't even remember what I said. Untruthful Speech: I often say "I think" because I don't know if something is true, but if I don't know it's true I may as well just not say it. Always saying "I think" makes me lose credibility. Awareness is the first step to change. I've already improved a lot compared to before, but I still have a long way to go. Hopefully, my reflection might inspire you to cultivate your speaking habits too! Applying the Teachings After cultivating my speaking habits, I’ve found my communication abilities and relationships improve significantly. For example, recently my mother was teaching me how to do a chore. She was doing it differently than how I normally do it, and I felt the urge to interrupt her and ask why not do it another way and say the problems I see if she does it her way. But I remembered to speak less and listen more, and that before speaking, I need to have her attention. Since she was focused on demonstrating, I didn’t speak. Later, after her demonstration, I understood why she did it her way. When she asked me if I understood, my instinct was just to say yes. But proper speech should be beneficial for the listener, so I made eye contact and then briefly summarized the process. She was very happy to see I paid attention and was able to explain the process back to her. Another application of these lessons is in writing. Just as with speech, we should only write what's true, beneficial for others, and in a manner that is suitable for the readers. Conclusion By cultivating our speech, we can avoid many unnecessary conflicts and improve our relationships and effectiveness. We are fortunate to receive such wonderful and useful teachings from wise ancestors such as Socrates, Confucius, and the Buddha. Which points resonated with you? I encourage you to pick three points and use them as your speech filters for a day and see what difference it makes in your life.

Think back to the last time you got angry. What happened? I personally remember getting angry at the other person for not listening to me, but the other person was angry at me for not listening to them too. Image Source After venting anger, the relationship was damaged, and I then felt regret and helplessness. I can definitely relate to what Seneca said: "There is no more stupefying thing than anger, nothing more bent on its own strength. If successful, none more arrogant, if foiled, none more insane--since it's not driven back by weariness even in defeat, when fortune removes its adversary it turns its teeth on itself." Anger makes us feel bad afterwards, it hurts our relationship with others, and it harms our heart and blood vessels. Other milder forms of anger are annoyance, upset, and frustration. The Buddha said, "To be angry is to let other's mistakes punish yourself." Given how harmful and unproductive anger is, how can we let go of anger? Well, we must find the reason for our anger, and then apply the appropriate mental medicine. This comprehensive article will aim to cover all the reasons people get angry: You think you are right You are entitled or spoiled You demand others to be good and to love you back You expect others to read your mind You always remember people's faults and wrongs but not their goodness You assume they have negative intentions You like to debate and win You base your self-esteem on what others think You feel rushed and agitated You are feeling sick or uncomfortable or in pain (You can click on the reason to jump to that section.) Each section will explain that reason, provide solutions, and illustrate an example. Here is a summary chart: Now let's go into each reason in more detail. Reason 1: You think you are right. If I am clearly right, and they are clearly wrong in their action, words, or thinking, then of course it's enraging. Right? They should quickly apologize and acknowledge that I am right and they are wrong. Right? That's what I thought before when I got angry. This mindset only made things worse. Solution 1: Value their happiness more than me being right. I'd rather have people feel happy and comfortable and think I'm wrong than to feel scared and nervous around me. Solution 2: Think About Their Contributions to You When we think about the contributions of the other person (whether it be our parents, partners, leaders, or friends), we naturally feel bad about treating them disrespectfully and unlovingly. Then we would naturally want to be more kind and considerate to repay their gratitude. Solution 3: Cultivate Humility Finally, we should keep in mind that no one is perfect, including ourselves. If others unfairly criticize us, even if their criticism is not 100% true, there is probably some truth to it. We probably could have done better. If we can reflect on ourselves and how we can do better next time, then we naturally wouldn't be arrogant or angry. We should also learn from humble and kind role models. For example, I once heard a boy say, "In my family, if my mother scolds us 100 times, we don't say one thing back because she is our family's treasure." Another great role model is Emperor Tang, who said: Article: Emperor Tang Tai Zong's Exemplary Role Model Example 1 In the past, my mother criticized me for having weak time management abilities and work skills because I spent weekends working. I was very angry and told her you are wrong, you have no idea that the amount of work I'm doing is like two jobs right now. Although I was technically in the right, using anger only made the situation worse. She was hurt and believed even more that I was overworking because my temper was bad. Isn't it ironic how the more angrily you say something, the more they don't listen to you? Step 1: Value their happiness more than being right If I could go back in time, I would say in a warm tone of voice, "Mom, are you worried about my lacking of time management skills? If I have good time management skills, would you be less worried? How can I help you feel less worried?" That would be valuing her happiness more than me being right. Step 2: Cultivate gratitude I contemplated that it's thanks to my parents that I even exists in this world right now. My parents raised me, fed me, took care of me when I was sick, and worked hard to pay for my living expenses and education. I already struggle to repay their gratitude, how could I waste my life getting upset at them? Step 3: Cultivate humility What could I have done better to prevent this problem? I could have communicated better and told her in advance, "I need to work extra this period of time, probably on weekends, but it is only temporary. Is that okay with you?" This way, my mother would feel like I respect and care about her feelings, and she would not be surprised that I was working so much. Reason 2: You are entitled or spoiled I want it and I want it now! How dare you act like that! Life is so unfair! When we hear the words "entitled" and "spoiled", we probably think of a little kid that gets treated like a king by his parents; whatever he wants, he gets. Indeed, this kind of child becomes very demanding and gets angry when he doesn’t get want he wants. Nobody likes this kind of person. But many of us are also entitled in the sense that we take what we have for granted, and we forgot to feel gratitude for them. Many of us in first world countries have so many things that we take for granted, such as our childhood, family, friends, food, clothing, shelter, AC/heating, electricity, the Internet, schools, government, medical care, plumbing, transportation, technology, and so much more! Instead of being grateful for all these things, many of us focus on the things we don't have, such as more money, more things, more reputation, more pleasure, and negativity. We also focus on how people don't behave the way we want to them to rather than on how they treat us well. Solution: Gratitude When we focus on what we don't have or what we didn't get or what didn't go our way, then we become angry or upset. Therefore, the solution is to we consciously focus on all the things to be grateful for. When we feel grateful for all the things we have, we feel abundant and happy. As Aesop said, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." Example 2 I used to get annoyed at things like people's rude behavior or bad luck in life. Then for two weeks, I practiced catching myself whenever I felt annoyed or upset at someone or something, and then forcing myself to find something to be grateful there. I also recorded these examples in my journal so that I could review them and reinforce this habit. Here are some examples from my journal: I saw some bugs in the bag of rice. I was annoyed and upset that there were bugs there. Then I reframed to feel grateful that it is so easy for me to buy rice. My grandparents had to work so hard to have rice to eat. My mother said I eat too little. I got annoyed because I felt like she was criticizing me. Then I reframed it to her caring about my health. So I said thanks for caring about my health. I will eat until 80% full because more than that is bad for digestion. A student said he would take notes for the class, but then he didn't keep his word. I gave him another chance. He didn't keep his promise again. I got angry at him. Then I reframed and thought he is very unfortunate to not have built up the virtue of trustworthiness. I am very fortunate that I learned the importance of trustworthiness. I should teach him rather than get angry at him. I was covering for a sick teacher but her video meeting link wasn't working, so I couldn’t start class on time, so I was annoyed. Then I reframed to seeing this as a chance to practice calm and patience. After all, I'm just a supply teacher, and this problem isn't my fault, so there's no need to get agitated. Later, I calmly found a solution. My computer froze while I was working. Rather than getting annoyed, I thought of it as the world telling me to take a stretch break. I came back after 5 minutes and it was back to normal. Through those two weeks of practice, I began to see that a lot of my anger and unhappiness comes from a lack of gratitude. There's always gratitude to be found, and if you train yourself to find gratitude, you won't stay upset. Reason 3: You demand others to be good and to love you back How could you be so inconsiderate, unreasonable, immature, unfair? Especially after all that I've given to this relationship! If we have conditional love for others, that means we expect a return for our love. If they behave the way we want the to, we remain happy. If they don't give us what we want, we get angry. This is not true love. Love is encouraging, not demanding. People behave according to the habits that they've developed over their entire life, and to demand them to change suddenly is unreasonable and impossible. Just think about your own bad habits. If you ever tried to change a bad habit, you should know how difficult it is. Solution 1: Reciprocity Image Source On reciprocity, Confucius once said, "There is one word which may serve as a guide of practice for all of one's life: reciprocity. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." You wouldn't like to be judged and pressured by others. Instead, you hope others could accept you for who you are, forgive you for your mistakes, and encourage (not scold) you to be better. Therefore, we should treat others this way. Solution 2: Inspire others to improve by improving yourself If we want lasting change in others, then we need to inspire them to change rather than pressure them. There are five steps to inspiring others to change: Whatever fault I see in them, reflect it on myself first. If I have the same problem, then I need to fix it in myself first before I can ask them to fix it. Be understanding towards their situation. Lead by example Show genuine care Patiently teach them to change Example 3 In the past, I felt like my mother criticized me a lot, and I often complained to her about it. But she didn't feel like she criticized me much. This is an example of how people (including ourselves) are unaware of their bad habits and the negative impact they have on others. Step 1: Reflect on Myself First, I reflected that I complain that my mother complains about me a lot. Well then, I am guilty of the same offense because I am complaining about her in my head! If I am guilty of the same problem, then I have no right to criticize her about it. I need to be able to fix that problem myself before I can ask her to fix it. Step 2: Understand Their Situation Next, I tried to understand her more. I realized that she has a habit of complaining about her child the same way lots of parents complain about their children. She was never taught how to be a good parent or a good leader, so she gets frustrated at her inability to change me. She is in pain too. Rather than getting angry and making her suffer even more, I should try to help her. Step 3: Lead by Example If I want her to speak less negative words and more positive words, then I need to go first. So I vowed to compliment her or thank her for one thing every day. After two weeks, she decided to start complimenting me every day too. Step 4: Show Genuine Care In addition to leading by example, I need to show genuine care so that she sees I really have good intentions. I did chores, cooked foods that she liked, and spent more time with her to do stuff that she likes. When others feel that you care, the relationship automatically gets better, and any resent fades away. For more ideas on how to show genuine care, see Example 4 where it talks about the Five Love Languages. Step 5: Patiently Teach Them to Change Lastly, I taught her some knowledge about why criticizing others is bad and why we should praise others more. I said, "Marriage research shows that great couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative interaction. That's why I decided to praise you every day." I also told her that when we are unhappy with another person, we can follow Confucius's advice: "If we focus our efforts on correcting ourselves rather than demanding others to change, then we will have nothing to be upset about." I continued, "These were all things I did to manage my anger better in the past couple of weeks, and I found it to be very helpful. I hope you could join me so we can all be happier and better people." Since I went first and showed care to her, she was inspired to join me. Reason 4: You expect others to read your mind You should know what I want! I gave you so many hints! Some people believe that in a relationship, the other person should know what you want and give it to you without you needing to ask; that would be proof that they really love you. I used to be guilty of this myself. But this kind of mentality is not only unfair to the other person, it's also unrealistic. Solution: Be aware of your needs and then communicate them clearly No one can read other people's minds, so it is OUR responsibility to get clear on what we want and then communicate it clearly to the other person in a kind and polite way. Image Source To give a small example, one time, I was trying to record some audio files, and my mother was making a lot of noise upstairs. I got annoyed. Then I stopped and asked myself, "How is she supposed to know I want to make audio recordings right now? I never told her. It's unreasonable for me to get annoyed at her." Then I moved my audio setup downstairs to be basement and recorded there, where it was quite. Example 4 I learned that most people, including my past self, are not aware of how they wish to be loved, so they can't communicate it clearly to others. Marriage researcher Gary Chapman found that all of us have a preferred love language, or a preferred way of receiving love. This applies not just to romantic relationships but to all relationships. Usually people prefer one or two out of these five: Words of Affirmation Quality time Acts of Service Gifts Touch Image Source In my case, I realized my love language is acts of service, so whenever people do things for me and reduce my workload, I thank them deeply for it. I learned that my mother's love language is words of affirmation because she often praises me. I didn't feel much from it, and I rarely praised her because words of affirmation is not my love language. But after I learned that it was her love language, I started praising her a lot more, and she felt a lot more loved that way. Reason 5: You always remember people's faults rather than their goodness. Why are they always so [inconsiderate, unreasonable, immature, etc.]?! Psychologists discovered that humans pay more attention to negative things rather than positive things. They call it negativity bias. Due to negativity bias, we often remember and over-focus on people's faults rather than on their goodness, which makes us feel bad, and then we treat them worse, and that makes them feel bad too. Solution 1: Practice Reciprocity You wouldn't like it if others always focused on your bad points and turned a blind eye towards your good points. If we want others to focus on our good points rather than our bad points, we need to go first and praise their good points often. Solution 2: Focus on their good points. Love them as a whole person, including their imperfections. A great solution is to take out a piece of paper and then write down all their good points on one side and then all their bad points on the other side. It is very likely that you might realize they don't have as many bad points as you thought, and they have more good points that you realized. Next, you should consciously and frequently praise their goodness. Praising them will encourage them to grow their goodness even more. As for their bad points, we should tolerate them the same way we hope that others can accept us for our imperfections. Example 5 In the past, my mother used to get very annoyed at my father because whenever they made plans, my father would be late. Because of this one fault, my mother often felt negatively towards him. Later, she learned about how over-focusing on people's faults can make us forget about all their goodness. She took out a piece of paper and wrote out my father's good points on one side and bad points on the other. She then realized that my father didn't have that many bad points, and he had lots of good points that she doesn't even have! For example, my father never criticizes others, and if he is criticized, he doesn't get angry or argue back. He also always gives the best food to others, and he would eat the less good food himself. He is also happy to help other people. Afterwards, my mother apologized to my father about over-focusing on his one bad point, and she also praised him more on his good points. Not only was my father happier, but she was happier, and the whole family was happier! Reason 6: You assume they have negative intentions "Why are you always so [inconsiderate, uncaring, lazy, fill-in-the-blank]? It's so frustrating!" Solution: Understand their perspective. I like the way Oprah put it: "Don't ask what's wrong with them. Ask what happened to them." When we understand that people's bad behavior are a result of their past unfortunate upbringing, then we feel sympathy for them rather than anger. We will think, "Oh, that's why they were behaving that way. That's understandable." Most of the time, people aren't intentionally trying to frustrate you. They are just acting automatically according to their habits. They might have had neutral or even positive intentions! Example 6 To go back to Example 1 when my mom criticized my weak time management abilities, I assumed that my mother was criticizing me because she likes to criticize me. But later, she told me that she was just worried about me because I always sit there working on the computer for so long, and that's not good for my health. If I could go back in time, I would ask her, "Mom, what is your intention for criticizing me?" She probably would have said, "I'm not trying to criticize you, I'm trying to let you know that you need to take care of your health and not sit for hours straight." Then I would say, "Thank you for your kind intentions. I will take breaks during my work." Reason 7: You want to win I don't care what they say, I'm going to be victorious over them! Unfortunately, many people were not taught a "me-versus-you" mindset in relationships. This kind of thinking only causes suffering for everyone. Solution: Think Win-Win Relationships are not a place where you want to have winners and losers. Their happiness should be our happiness! I like the way Jay Shetty puts it: "Remember: It's not me against you. It's us against the problem." In order to think win-win, we have to stop focusing on the thing that each person wants and instead ask WHY they want what they want. Almost always, there is a way for both people to satisfy their WHYs. To give an analogy, let's say two people both want a lemon. If we have a me-versus you mentality, then we just argue over who gets the lemon. At best, we split the lemon. But with a win-win mindset, we ask each other WHY you want the lemon. It turns out, one person wants the juice to make lemonade, while the other person wants the skin for cooking. Now both people can get what they want. Example 7 I got a little upset before about food. We had a lot of pumpkin from the backyard to eat. I told my mother I prefer pumpkin to be cooked such that it was still a bit hard and the flavor was still in the pumpkin. But she preferred pumpkin to be really soft and the flavor to flow out into the porridge. She told me this is better for digestion. I didn't think win-win at first, which is why I got upset. Later, I realized we could both get what we want. Since she had a routine for cooking that saved her a lot of time, I figured she wouldn't want to cook two separate batches of pumpkin. So I told her I'll cook. Then I cooked two separate batches, one for her and one for me. I told her we can both get what we want, and harmony is worth the extra time and effort. Moreover, when she tried my pumpkin, she said realized it wasn't that bad. And I was still happy to eat some of her pumpkin too. We both experienced the joy of win-win. Reason 8: You base your self-esteem based on what others think "How dare they say that about me! It's totally not true! I'm so angry at them!" When we base our self-esteem based on others liking us and saying good things about us, then we might easily get angry out of self-defence when others say bad things about us. Solution 1: Base your self-esteem on virtues such as kindness and humility. Even though they misunderstood me, I know I had kind intentions, and I know I can improve my communication next time. What other people think is outside our control. But our own actions and intentions are in our control. No one is perfect, and we will definitely make mistakes in life. As long as we had kind intentions, and we are always learning from out mistakes to improve ourselves, then there is nothing to get upset at ourselves for. Solution 2: Only care about what good and wise people think. Sure, those people are not happy at me, but they are self-centered and have incorrect ideas. As long as the benevolent and wise teachers approve of my intentions and actions, then I'm happy. Some people try to please everyone, while others don't care about what anyone thinks at all. Both of these extremes are a sign of a sensitive ego. The solution is to care about what benevolent and wise teachers think about us. These people want all people to be live happy and productive lives, free of deluded thinking and unnecessary suffering. They all emphasize virtues like kindness, humility, respect, and self-cultivation. Example 8 One time, a student complained that I give too much homework, and that I'm too strict, and that her grade of 96 on an assignment is too low. She had told me before that she really liked my class, so I was kind of hurt that she thought negatively about me now. I also got a little angry and thought, "Seriously? 96 is a great mark! You're being a bit too unreasonable aren't you?" But I managed to maintain my calm by focusing on kindness. Clearly, she is upset right now, and if I get upset too, things will only get worse. Even though my heart was beating fast, I slowly and calmly told her, "You must be having a hard time recently. I know you have very high goals for your grade, and I am here to support you, not to make things hard for you. We can talk more about how you can improve your grade if you want to visit me in my office hours." My focus on kindness helped me not get angry on-the-spot. Later, I was still feeling pretty upset that this student would complain about me like that. Then I realized that I shouldn't care so much about what a high schooler thinks. The opinions I should care about are those of wise sages, like Confucius or the Buddha or Seneca. Then I thought about their quotes on anger (which are at the beginning of this article), and I immediately calmed down. I imagined that Confucius would say good job to me for not getting angry at other people's unreasonableness. The Buddha would say good job giving her comfort and reducing her fears. Seneca would say good job not being a slave to your emotions. Then I felt much better. Reason 9: You feel rushed and agitated Not right now! I don't have the time for this! If a calm mind is like still water, then a rushed, agitated, and angry mind is like boiling water. When the mind is agitated, it gets angry easily. Solution 1: Cultivate Calm and Steadiness The solution is to practice doing everything in life calmly and steadily, from eating to walking to talking to working. After all, the root of all our actions is our mind, so if we want a calm mind, we need ALL our actions to be calm and slow. Solution 2: Manage Your Priorities and Time Better Some people are probably thinking, "But I don't have enough time! I'm so busy!". If that is you, I encourage you to consider two things. First, "Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast." If you do things with a rushed mindset, then you are likely to make mistakes. Then you have to spend even more time fixing your mistakes. If you maintained a calm mind to begin with, then you would've prevented mistakes and saved time. Second, are you using your time productively? Do you track your time? If you have a good sense of priorities, and you only focus the most important priorities first in your day, then you won't feel like you're always rushing from task to task throughout the day. Example 9 There was a period of time where I had a lot of work, and I was working on the weekends too. During that period of time, I also watched 2-hour long lectures with my mother. After these lectures, she and I would discuss them. Because I had so much work to do, I became impatient in those discussions, and she thought I didn't like learning these things with her. Actually, I did like learning these things; I just felt stressed and pressed for time to do my work. My agitation came from my lack of time management skills. Later, I consciously planned my time and carefully picked my priorities. I gave my time to people in accordance with the amount of gratitude I owed them. First, I made sure my parents were happy, then I did my job, then I helped everyone else. By prioritizing my time properly, my peace of mind improved greatly, and I rarely felt rushed because I picked my priorities carefully and allocated plenty of time for them. Reason 10: You are feeling discomfort or pain Ow! Ugh, I'm already so uncomfortable, stop bothering me! If you're like most people, you get angry easily when in discomfort or pain. I remember after I got my wisdom tooth pulled out, and my mother was asking me to make some decisions about somethings, I got really impatient really fast and gave her a bad attitude. The reason was because I was in pain. I also noticed that if I'm hungry or hot, I get annoyed easily. So what's the solution? Solution 1: Gratitude The first solution is to be grateful to those around us, then we naturally would feel bad about venting anger out on them. For example, if I had been thinking of how grateful I am for my mom to accompany me to the dentist, then I naturally wouldn’t get angry at her no matter how much pain I was in. If I'm hungry, I can remember that my parents worked hard day and night to put food on the table for me for years, so it would be very disgraceful of me to get impatient with them just because I am hungry. Solution 2: Practice Reciprocity You wouldn't like it if others vented their anger out on you. Therefore, we should not do that to others. Solution 3: Increase Your Pain Tolerance There is a virtue called "enduring hardship." Life will surely have difficulties, and the ability to endure hardships with a calm mind is a virtue or ability that can be cultivated through training. For example, people practice fasting to endure the discomfort of hunger (as well as for health benefits). Monks sometimes meditate in very hot or cold or noisy places to practice enduring hardship. If we train this ability, we will get better at it. Example 10 One time, I grew a big mouth sore at the back of my mouth near my wisdom tooth. It was extremely painful to move my jaw and chew, and I decided to use that opportunity to practice enduring hardship. No matter how much pain I was in, I would not show any signs of impatience or unhappiness towards the people around me, which was mainly my mother. I remember for a couple of days, chewing was so painful that I even had tears while chewing. I also did not tell my mother about my mouth sore. Later, I asked her if I had given her any negative emotions. She said not really. I felt very happy about that and grew in my confidence to be able to endure hardship. Conclusion Anger is probably the most harmful emotion of all, and being able to control our anger has immense benefits for our happiness, our relationships, and our health. In this article, we analyzed 10 reasons for anger: You think you are right You are entitled or spoiled You demand others to be good and to love you back You expect others to read your mind You always remember people's faults and wrongs but not their goodness You assume they have negative intentions You like to debate and win You base your self-esteem on what others think You feel rushed and agitated You are feeling sick or uncomfortable or in pain We also looked at lots of solutions for anger: Gratitude Reciprocity Humility Be inspiring not demanding Focus on their good points and contributions Seek to understand their perspective Only care about what good and wise people think Think Win-Win Cultivate calm and steadiness Increase your pain tolerance Are there any reasons or solutions I missed? Comment below! Which reasons are most common for you? How can you use those solutions in your life?

"Virtue is how we live happy and free lives. It’s not grandiose nor vague. A Stoic believes they don’t control the world around them, only how they respond—and that they must always respond with courage, temperance, wisdom, and justice." —Ryan Holiday, contemporary Stoic A good life. It's the underlying drive for all our actions. We just want to feel happy and free. But how is that going for you? Most of us are struggling. The never-ending desires and burdens make us feel more and more restricted and unhappy. Stoicism can help. And it's not just a bandage solution, it's curing the root illness. As Ryan Holiday explained, living in accordance with the four virtues of Stoicism (an ancient and practical philosophy) is the solution. That means our mind, which is the only thing we control, should always align with these four virtues: Justice: Serving the common good. Courage: Persisting in what's right. Temperance: Finding the right degree or amount and having self-discipline. Wisdom: Pursuing proper and enlightening education. Let's examine each in more detail. 1: Justice In Stoicism, justice means helping the greater good. The great Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “A commitment to justice in your own acts. Which means: thought and action resulting in the common good. What you were born to do.” In other words, only seeking self-benefit and not caring about others is injustice. True happiness comes from helping others, from justice. If we hurt others, we also hurt ourselves. Marcus Aurelius said, "What injures the hive injures the bee." But when we help others, we also help ourselves; it's win-win. Justice can extend out to other nearby virtues such as Integrity: doing the right thing, even when no one is watching, even when it is hard. Honesty: speaking the truth but with kindness. Reciprocity: treat others the way you want to be treated. Broad Love: wanting the best for the all people In Stoicism, justice is the most important virtue. Courage, wisdom, and temperance should all be used to serve the common good. 2: Courage Courage is about having the bravery and persistence to do what's right, to fight for justice. When Stoic teacher Epictetus was asked for advice on how a person can thrive, he said, “Two words should be committed to memory and obeyed by alternately exerting and restraining ourselves…persist and resist.” We need to be brave and persist in what's right, and we also need to restrain ourselves from doing what's wrong. Doing small evils or doing bad things because others are doing it is not courageous. 3: Temperance Temperance is about moderation and discipline. On temperance, Marcus Aurelius said, “‘If you seek tranquility, do less.’ Or (more accurately) do what’s essential…Which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better. Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, ‘Is this necessary?’” Epictetus said, “Curb your desire — don’t set your heart on so many things and you will get what you need.” Many of us feel so stressed, busy, and directionless in life, and one major reason is because we lack temperance. We are chasing too many things to an inappropriate degree. We want more money than we need. We give less love and time to loved ones than we should. We are not too lenient with ourselves and too strict with others. These are all temperance problems. The great philosopher Aristotle calls temperance "the golden mean". He explains that any virtue must follow the golden mean, otherwise it becomes a vice. For example, is anger always bad? Is giving others money always good? Aristotle says, "Anyone can get angry – that is easy – or spend money or give it away; but to do all this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right manner, is not a thing that everyone can do, and is not easy." Knowing the right degree to do something and then actually doing it to that degree is temperance. That is not easy, and it requires wisdom. 4: Wisdom Wisdom is about pursuing proper and enlightening education. We should seek to improve our wisdom every day, through every event, for the rest of our lives. Wisdom is the supporting foundation for the other three virtues. It's thanks to wisdom that We know how to be just and what to be just about. (Justice) We know what to be courageous about, what to persist in, and what to resist. (Courage) What the right amount and degree of something should be. (Temperance) Epictetus said, "The first and greatest task of the philosopher is to test and separate appearances, and to act on nothing that is untested." In other words, we need to learn wise ways of thinking, such as those of Stoicism, and then act on them in our own life. If we acted on them properly, then we will gain benefit. When we gain benefit, we understand the teachings deeper, and our wisdom grows. When our wisdom grows, we will have less confusion and stress in our lives, and we will have more happiness and freedom—which is what we all want! My Experience In the past year or so, I've become a huge fan of philosophy, and I've dabbled in Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism. It's quite interesting to find so many similarities between all the different philosophies. In my own life, I've found that living according to virtues indeed brings true happiness and peace. Justice Before, when I always thought about all the things I wanted and how I could get them faster, I felt stressed and burdened. After I switched to serving the people and world around me, I felt life was very positive and meaningful. The Daoist sage Lao Tzu said, "View other people's gains as my gains. View other people's losses as my losses... Give without seeking anything in return." (Source: The Treatise on Response and Retribution) I also like the way Gandhi puts it: "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Wisdom Buddhism talks about the importance of balancing compassion (or justice in Stoicism) with wisdom. If our desire to help others exceeds our wisdom, then everyone suffers. It's like jumping into a lake to save a drowning person when you can't even swim yourself. The Buddha said, "Do not associate with the ignorant. Instead, befriend the wise. Respect the virtuous. This is the greatest blessing." (Source: Maṅgala Sutta, Discourse of Good Fortune) I used to spend my free time on frivolous entertainment, but now spend all my free time trying to learn more wisdom from past sages. Temperance Confucius refers to temperance as "The Middle Way", saying, "A cultivated person follows The Middle Way. An uncultivated person violates The Middle Way. Because a cultivated person follows The Middle Way, he always achieves the target right on. Because the uncultivated person violates The Middle Path, he is unbridled." (Source: The Doctrine of the Mean) "The Middle Path" doesn't always refer to the exact middle, but rather the optimal degree or amount. Temperance requires wisdom, and I try to practice it through things like Eating to 70-80% full (the optimal degree) Working at 85% intensity (an amount that can be sustained over the long-term) Prioritizing health and relationships (focusing on the essentials) Courage Courage is about persisting in justice and resisting injustice. Confucius also emphasized courage, saying, "If a bad principles prevail in the country, a virtuous person maintains his righteous path even to death. So firm is his strength!" (Source: The Doctrine of the Mean) I remember a couple months ago, I was pressured to do something slightly unethical. The story is a bit long and complicated, but basically, I got pressured into doing something that would result in unfair treatment for someone. The person wouldn't even know, and it is a very small thing, and if I didn't accept, it might cause a big inconvenience for a lot of people. Anyway, I complied. An hour after I said "yes" on the phone, I regretted it. Then I called the person back to undo the decision, saying I was willing to deal with the consequences. But by then, it was already too late to undo the decision. I felt bad about not being more courageous and standing up for justice no matter how small the matter, so I vowed to myself to never make an ethical decision in haste again, and to not tolerate the slightest discomfort when it comes to ethics. Conclusion A good, happy, and free life is one that is guided by virtues. Reflect on the four virtues of Stoicism this week: Justice: What do I do for the common good every day? Courage: What do I need to persist in? What should I be more strict on myself about? Temperance: What am I doing in excess or in deficiency? How can I get closer to the optimal amount? Wisdom: How much time am I spending every day or week to educate myself and improve my wisdom? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #183 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Have you ever struggled to get out of bed in the morning? This past month, I've been very, very busy. As a result, I've gotten very tired, and my mood worsened. Recently, I found myself waking up and thinking, "Ugh, today I need to do this. Then I need to do that. And then I need to deal with that other thing. There are so many things I have to do!" Image Source After a few days of this, I realized I needed to correct this mindset. I was reminded of a quote by the Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius: At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm? … Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being?” Every living thing diligently does their duty and organizes their world. The plants diligently grow and produce air; the birds diligently organize their nests and family; the ants diligently collect resources for the tribe; the bees diligently pollinate flowers. Am I so much below plants and animals that I can't get out of bed happily? A Motivating Purpose What should I, as a human being, diligently do then? Marcus Aurelius said, "Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." What Marcus Aurelius said is extremely similar to what Confucius said in The Great Learning: "The path of The Great Learning is at enlightening one’s bright virtues, at influencing the people, and ending at the greatest excellence." Virtues are positive character qualities like filial piety (loving parents), respect, loving kindness, carefulness, trustworthiness, and humility. A proper life purpose is to first build our character and virtues. Then we can do acts for the common good and influence others to bring out their virtues. When these two things are done thoroughly, then we have arrived at the greatest excellence. Re-Evaluating My Time Over the past few weeks, I've started to get annoyed because I didn't have much free time to study philosophy and improve my wisdom. I knew I needed to cut out or reduce some commitments, so I reflected on all my major commitments, how much time I spend on each one, and what my intention for doing each one is. I then paid careful attention to anything that was motivated by bad or mixed intentions. Most of my things were purely good intentions, such as taking care of my family responsibilities, working, learning ancient texts, and blogging. However, I realized I had some things with mixed intentions that were taking up over 15 hours per week! I then scrutinized those things in more detail to determine if I could eliminate or reduce the time I spend on them. Firstly, I currently tutor two extra classes on top of my work. The intention is mixed: mostly social pressure and a little bit of helping others. Hence, I emailed the school asking if they could find another teacher to take over. If they really cannot, then I can help. After all, helping those in great need is a virtue. But if they can find someone else, then there's no reason for me to stress myself over something I don't need to do. Secondly, I tutor a few friends in my free time. My intention is mostly good, which is to repay gratitude (a virtue). However, I may be spending too much time on it, and an excess of anything is no longer virtuous. Hence, I can communicate them to reduce the weekly time commitment while still ensuring that I can help them achieve their goal in the specified time frame. Thirdly, I attend three classes on ancient texts. The first class was out of a sincere desire to learn. The second class was a mixture of social pressure and sincerity. The third was 100% social pressure. Given how I feel so limited in time now, I should at least eliminate the third one. In summary, the process of re-aligning my life with my purpose was List out all my major time commitments. Evaluate if the motivation is purely good, purely bad, or mixed. Eliminate (ideal) or reduce anything that is not a purely good intention, or change the intention to purely good. After re-evaluating all my time commitments against good versus bad intentions, I gained much more clarity about what to focus my energy on, and now I wake up feeling much more motivated and excited for the day! Bonus Tip: Change "I have to" to "I get to" A lot of things we "have" to do are actually blessings. To help ourselves remember that, tell yourself "I get to" instead of "I have to". For example, I get to get out of bed today (good health) I get to go to work today (I have a job) I get to clean the house today (I have a house) I get to talk to my parents today (I have parents who took care of me in the past) I get to deal with that unreasonable person today (It's a chance for me to improve my virtues) I get to deal with that problem today (every problem lies an opportunity) If we simply change the language we use in our head, we would feel gratitude instead of complaint. Concluding Thoughts Do you wake up with a strong sense of purpose? Are there any time commitments you should eliminate or reduce? What do you get to do everyday that you didn't appreciate enough before? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #182 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

最近两个月，我专注于掌控自己的脾气和坏情绪，包括不高兴，不耐烦，挫折感等。虽然很多人都认为我是比较平静的人，但是我还是会生气烦躁的！ 来源 即使我每周有发怒一次，我想减少到两周一次，接着减少到一个月一次，最终完全没有坏情绪。我花了很多时间探讨人为什么会生气，总结出来一些原因和对治的方法，在这篇文章给大家分享一些要点。 生气的主要原因: 傲慢：只在乎自己对，不在乎别人的感受。 自私：只想自己的利益，不顾别人的感受。 贪婪：觉得我应该得到更多，别人应该更好；忘恩负义，忘记付出。 注重负面：只看不好的与负面的，忽略了好的与正面的。 自信很弱：对自己没有信心，希望通过别人来肯定自己。 身体不舒服：生病，疼痛，饿，热，冷，等等。 对治方法： 恕：“己所不欲勿施于人”。我不喜欢别人对我发怒或迁怒，我就先不要这样对别人。 仁爱：少注重事情，多注重他人的感受，希望他开心舒服。他的开心是我的开心；他的得失是我的得失。 谦卑：“行有不得，返求诸己”。返观自己哪里没有做到位，怎样可以把事情做得更好。 同理心：用心感受对方的感受，理解对方的看法。 感恩心：感恩对方的奉献付出。 榜样的监督：想想有智慧的榜样老师们会怎样评价我的思想与行为。 故事 上周我想出去时找不到书包，就问妈妈。她说她借给爸爸了，还没拿回来。那时我就生气的说，“妈妈你不能随便把我的东西借出去！书包里面有我的钱包和证件呀！” 妈妈马上回答，“对不起，我以为他马上会拿回来，结果他忘了。我也没知道你的钱包和证件在里面。” 听完后，我还想抱怨更多，但是我控制住了自己的脾气。这些月来，我都在训练管好自己的心情，生气时不说话。过了五分钟后我才开始反省之前学过的东西来安下心： 恕：如果我犯了错然后认了错，我不想别人再继续责备我。 仁爱：我应该更多的关心对妈妈的感受而不是这件事情。钱包丢了可以就再买一个。伤害人心才是糟糕的。 谦卑：我哪里做的不好或没到位？我没有提前跟妈妈沟通，告诉她我的证件都在哪里，可是她有告诉我她的文件都在哪里。我没学她的好榜样。 同理心：妈妈不是故意的，她不知道里面有证件，我不应该责备她。 感恩心：没有妈妈就没有我，更没有我的书包或钱包，我不应该对她生气。 榜样的监督：我想着如果孔子，塞内卡，或佛陀在我的面前，他们会对我说什么？他们都希望我能做自己的主人，而不是做情绪的奴隶。他们也希望我能保持爱心和理智。 反省了五分钟后，我恢复了平静。虽然我还需要提高很多，但跟过去比，我已经取得很大的进步。 结论 达赖喇嘛说过： “愤怒是平静心最终极的毁灭者。” 你上次发脾是什么时候？为何？这六个方法能不能帮你解决你的愤怒或预防下次的生气？

Over the past couple of months, I've been focusing on managing my anger, frustration, annoyance, and impatience. Most people who know me would think I'm a pretty calm and nice guy, and perhaps I do get angry less often than the average Joe, but I still do get angry and annoyed! Image Source Even if I get upset once a week, I'd like to reduce that to once every two weeks, and then once every month, and then eventually, never at all! With that goal in mind, I've done a deep dive into why people get angry or upset. I spent many hours compiling all that I've learned about anger into a detailed article covering 10 reasons and solutions for why we get angry. You can read the full guide here, but in this article, I'll give a high-level overview. The main reasons we get angry or upset are Arrogance: We care more about being right than their feelings Selfishness: We care more about what we want than their feelings (greed) Greed: We are too demanding Negativity: We focus on the bad instead of the good Fragile self-esteem: We care too much about what everyone thinks Discomfort: We are feeling agitated or uncomfortable or in pain The solutions are Reciprocity: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Love: Value their feelings more than the matter at hand. Humility: Look for where you could have done better. Empathy: Understand their perspective. Gratitude: Think about all that they have given to you. Virtuous Role Models: Think about what good and wise teachers would think of your behavior. Check out the story below to see how I applied these teachings recently. The Story Recently, my dad came over (he lives in a different house) and wanted to borrow a backpack on his way out. My mother gave him my backpack without first asking me for permission. Later, I was looking for my backpack as I was about to go out because my wallet was in it. I couldn't find it, so I asked my mom if she saw it. She told me she lent it to my dad, but he forgot to bring it back. Immediately, without any conscious control over myself, I raised my voice and said, "What?! You can't just give my stuff away without first asking me! All my ID cards and bank cards are in there!" She immediately said, "Sorry, I thought he would bring it back right away. I didn't know your wallet was inside." I was tempted to complain more about how I had told her in the past to not move my stuff without asking first, but I managed to stop myself. I've been training myself to not speak when upset. I remained angry at her for about 5 more minutes. Then I started thinking about all the things I've learned related to controlling anger: Reciprocity: If I made a mistake and felt bad about it, I wouldn't want the other person to angrily scold me. Love: I should value the other person's feelings more than the matter at hand. A backpack is just a backpack, but my relationship with my mother is something I don't want to hurt! Humility: What could I have done better to prevent this problem from arising? Well, I could have communicated with my mom where my important documents and ID cards are so that she knows not to move them. Empathy: She didn't intentionally make a mistake. She didn't know my wallet was in that bag. Gratitude: Without my mom, I wouldn't even exist or have the life that I have right now, so it is quite spoiled of me to get angry at her. Virtuous Role Models: I imagined I was facing Confucius, Seneca, and the Buddha. What would they say to me? They would be very disappointed to see me be a slave to anger, and they would be proud to see me be the master of my emotions. After 5 minutes of reflection, I calmed down and let go. If this was the past, I probably would have vented my anger and stayed angry much longer. Although I still have room for improvement, I've certainly made significant progress compared to before! Conclusion "Anger is the ultimate destroyer of your own peace of mind." —The Dalai Lama When was the last time you got angry or upset? How can you use the six solutions you learned to resolve that anger and prevent it next time? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #179 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Have you ever had a time when you were feeling pretty good, the day was going smoothly, and then out of nowhere, someone dumped a bunch of negative energy on you? How did you feel afterwards? Communication expert Dr. Alan Zimmerman shares a story that I found very enlightening. He calls it The Law of the Garbage Truck. Image Source: Unsplash While speaking at Boeing, one participant shared this story with Dr. Zimmerman: One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly another car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy, and I mean he was really friendly. So, I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" That is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, The Law of the Garbage Truck. He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. Commentary First of all, I just have to say, that taxi driver is very admirable, and my virtues are nowhere near his. Like most people, I get annoyed when other people behave unreasonably. Not only do I suffer from being annoyed, but I also spread that negative energy to others, which is unfair to those innocent people. The first lesson in the story is to not dump your garbage on others. Confucius said, "What you do not wish for yourself, do not do unto others." I wouldn't like it if someone came up to me randomly and started giving me negative energy. But I'm guilty of that myself. For example, when I was really busy with work, I gave an impatient attitude towards my family members. That was unfair to them. The second lesson is to not take other people's garbage. Yoga Master Sadhguru said, "If somebody else can decide what can happen within you right now, isn't this the ultimate slavery?" American Nun Pema Chodron said, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." So how can we not accumulate garbage and be affected by other people's negativity? Image Source I found two solutions: humility and gratitude. Solution 1: Humility Confucius was a humble role model who viewed everyone as a teacher. He said, "When walking among two others, I will surely find teachers. Their good qualities, I will emulate. Their bad qualities, I will correct within myself." So if others treat us unfairly, we should reflect on if we have ever treated others unfairly. Chances are, the answer is yes. Then in that case, they are reminding us to fix our faults. Confucius also said, "A virtuous person first possesses those good qualities before expecting others to have them; first eliminates those bad qualities before expecting others to not have them." If we have the same fault, we have no right to judge them for having that fault. If we did not cultivate kindness and careful speech, we have no right to demand it from others. Example: This past week my mom got annoyed at me for seemingly no logical reason. Later, she told me it is because she didn't have enough time to do what she wanted to do that day; her annoyance had nothing to do with me. I immediately reflected that I have the same problem. Therefore, I have no right to get upset. I need to not be a garbage truck first before expecting others to not be a garbage truck. Solution 2: Gratitude The great Greek philosopher Epicurus said, "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not." The biggest reason we get unhappy is because we want something or someone to be different, but that is outside our control. The solution is to become content with the way things are, and to be grateful for all that we have. Sure, that person might be behaving unreasonably. Sure, life throws inconveniences at us. But probably most people in our life probably behave pretty reasonably most of the time. We also have countless things that go well in our life every day that we didn't notice. Think about... All the people that worked hard to raise you when you were a kid All the teachers and workers needed to give you a good schooling All the people in the government and in society providing countless goods and services for you The fact that you have enough food, water, and shelter We've grown so accustomed to these blessings that we forgot to be grateful. But those are all things we should be more aware of and grateful towards. Rather than focusing so much on this small thing that this person did to upset you, why not just let it go and instead think about all the things you are grateful for? Example: A student once complained to me, saying that her grade of 96 is too low and she can't sleep. At first, I was quite annoyed at this student's unreasonable complaint. Thinking back, I realized she was probably going through a lot of stress in her life, and her garbage just happened to overflow onto me. Now, I feel grateful to her for many reasons: She was a hardworking student who sets a good example for other students. Without students like her, I wouldn't have a job as a teacher. She reminded me that I am still letting others influence how I feel, and that I need to improve on this front. As Aesop said, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." Conclusion We will definitely encounter garbage trucks in our lives, but we don't have to take their garbage. We can maintain our inner peace through the virtues of humility and gratitude. And of course, we should not be a garbage truck towards others. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #173 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

你有没有过这样的经历：你感觉很好的时候，突然有个人带给你许多不好的情绪，然后你就感觉很不开心。情绪是很容易感染的，所以我们要做情绪的主人，不要做情绪的奴隶。最近，我听了一个故事叫“垃圾车法则”，觉得很有启发性。 来源 讲这个故事的人说： 一天，我坐了一辆出租车去机场。当我们在右车道行驶时，一辆车突然从停车场冲出来到我们面前。我的出租车司机猛踩刹车，差几寸就要撞上去了！而那辆车的司机转过头来对我们无礼的大骂。我的出租车司机只是微笑着向那个人招手，真的很友好。 我在旁边很惊讶就问道：“那个人差点撞毁你的车，差点把我俩都送进医院！你为什么那么善良并且礼貌地对待他？” 出租车司机就教了我 “垃圾车法则”。他解释说，很多人就像垃圾车。他们满载着垃圾四处跑，满载着懊恼，满载着怒火，也满载着失望。随着他们的垃圾堆积起来，他们需要找一个地方去倾倒这些垃圾，有时候他们会选择你。不要对他生气。你就给他微笑，希望他能处理好他的垃圾。不要接受他们的垃圾，更不要把坏情绪转给别人。 评注 首先，我很佩服那个出租车司机的宽容和正能量。我像一般的人，遇到别人的无礼会对他们生气，甚至会把坏情绪带给周边的人。这对无辜的人很不公平。 这个故事中的第一课就是不要向别人倾倒你的垃圾。 孔子说过， “己所不欲勿施于人。” 我不希望有人突然走到我面前，带给我好多负面的能量。可是我也犯过这个错误，比如当我工作繁忙时，我对家人的态度就不耐烦了。这对他们不公平，所以我要先改正自己的毛病才能要求别人改正同样的毛病。 第二课是不要接受别人的垃圾。 瑜伽大师萨古鲁说过， “如果有其他的人可以决定你的内心情况，这难道不是终极的奴役吗？” 美国修女佩玛·丘卓说过。 “内心的平静始于不让外面的人和事决定你的心情。“ 那我们怎样才能不堆集垃圾并不被其他人的负面情绪所影响呢？ 来源 我找到了两个方法：谦逊和感恩。 方法一：谦逊 孔子是一个谦虚的榜样，他视每一个人为老师。他说： “三人行，必有我师焉，则其善者而从之，其不善者而改之。” 所以如果其他人不公平地对待我们，我们应该反省自己是否同样不公平地对待别人。答案是肯定的。在这个情况下，他们在提醒我们要改正自己的错误和防止以后犯这个错误。 来源 孔子同样说过， “君子有諸己而後求諸人，無諸己而後非諸人。” 如果我们犯了同样的错误，我们就没有资格批判那些犯错的人。如果我们没有培养善良和谨慎的言语，我们就没有权力要求别人做到。 例子： 上个星期我的妈妈无缘无故对我发火。晚些，她告诉我是因为那天她没有足够的时间去做她想做的事，她的烦恼和我无关。我立即意识到了我也有同样的问题。因此，我不该对她烦。如果我不希望她做垃圾车，那我要先不做垃圾车。 方法二：感恩 伟大的希腊哲学家伊比鸠鲁说： “不要因为渴望你没有的东西而毁掉已经拥有的。” 我们不快乐的最大原因是希望外面的人事改变，可是外面的人事不受我们所控制。怎么办？解决的办法很简单：对我们已经所拥有的感激和珍惜。 虽然生活里会遇到很多不合理的人或不便的事，但是我们生活中大多数的人事都正常合理。在我们的生活中，总有我们没有注意到的美好的事情，想一想... 当你是个孩子时，有那么多人辛苦的来养你 你有足够的食物，水和居 你能上好学校，得到良好的教育 你有足够的物品 那么多社会工作人员为我们服务 我们已经习惯了这些给予以至于忘记了感恩。但是这些都是我们应当更加注意且感恩的事情。比起那些令你烦的人和事，何尝不放手呢？所以《弟子规》说“恩欲报，怨欲忘。” 例子： 曾有一个学生像我抱怨，说她的96分太低以至于睡不着。起初，我对这个学生的无理感觉挺烦。当回想时，我意识到她可能在生活中遇到了很多压力，而她的垃圾刚好倾倒到我这儿。 现在，我对她有许多感激的原因： 她是一个勤奋的学生，为其他学生设立了一个好榜样 没有像她那样的学生，我不会拥有工作 她提醒了我，我仍然让别人影响我的心情，所以我还要在这一点上改进。 伊索说过， “感恩使我们拥有的变得足够。” 总结 我们必然会在生活中遇到垃圾车，但是我们不必接受他们的垃圾。我们可以通过谦逊和感恩的美德来保持内在的平静。同时，我们也不应该做一个垃圾车。

Do you ever have uncontrollable negative thoughts? Do you wish you could control or overcome those negative thoughts, but just don't know how? I've been there, and I'm so grateful to Dr. Daniel Amen for putting together a really powerful yet simple-to-understand children's book on this matter. The book is called Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions. Dr. Amen is a renowned brain doctor and psychiatrist. Through tens of thousands of brain scans, he's found that our thoughts have a big impact on our brain health: positive thoughts make the brain healthy, while negative thoughts make the brain unhealthy! Most people have what he calls Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs, so he wrote this book to teach us how to prevent those ANTs from ruining our lives! I think Captain Snout is truly a superhero because he is saving us from the biggest source of unhappiness in our lives: negative and incorrect thoughts. Here is a Table of Contents to help you navigate this article: Introduction 1: The "All-Or-Nothing" ANT 2: The "Just The Bad" ANT 3: The Fortune Teller ANT 4: The Mind Reader ANT 5: The Blaming ANT My Experience Conclusion Introduction In the beginning of the book, some children want to buy a puppy. Their parents told them they need to first earn enough money to buy supplies for the puppy. The children decide to start a car wash to earn money. At the beginning, they had some customers, but soon, the customers stopped coming. Then the children started having Automatic Negative Thoughts such as No one wants us to wash their car. My sign looks terrible. Everybody thinks we'll do a bad job. Nothing is going right. It's all your fault. Now we'll never get our puppy! This is the worst car wash ever! Everyone was feeling horrible. But just in the nick of time, Captain Snout arrived to save them from those horrible and unhappy thoughts! He explains that thoughts have power, and they can make you feel good or rotten. He then explained that the children's minds are full of ANTs: "Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) are thoughts that pop into your mind uninvited. They make you feel mad, sad, worried, or upset. And most of the time, they're not even true!" He also explains that we can get rid ANTs with his amazing Super Power Questions: Is that thought in your head true? Are you 100% sure it's true? Then they used those Super Power Questions on the negative thoughts they had. They started with the first one: "No one wants us to wash their car." Captain Snout asked the children if that thought is true. The children replied, "Actually, we already had some customers. And there could be more! " When the children realized the negative thoughts were not necessarily true, and they could have newer truer thoughts, they felt much better! Then Captain Snout went over 5 common ANTs: The "All-Or-Nothing" ANT The "Just-The-Bad" ANT The Fortune Teller ANT The Mind Reader ANT The Blaming ANT 1: The "All-Or-Nothing" ANT These ANTs make you feel sorry for yourself. They don't use words like "sometimes" or "maybe". Instead, they use words like "All, always, nothing, no one, never." These ANTs say things like All of the cars just drive by. We will never make any money! There's nothing we can do. Captain Snout asked the children, "Do you really think there's nothing you can do? Is that true? Are you 100% sure it's true?" The children said, "That's not true! There are lost of things we can do to get more customers! Let's make a list!" 2: The "Just The Bad" ANT These ANTs can't see anything good. They zoom in on mistakes and problems, filling your head with negative thoughts. They say things like: Today is a bad day. My sign looks terrible. This is the worst car wash ever. Captain Snout asked, "Do you really think this is the worst car wash ever? Can you think of anything else that could be worse?" The children said, "Maybe if no one showed up at all, or it was snowing, or a monster ate all the cars!" 3: The Fortune Teller ANT This ANT is a liar. It thinks it can see the future, but all it really does is think of bad stuff. It says things like We'll never make any money. We'll never get our puppy. Captain Snout asked his Super Power Questions again: "Is that true? Are you 100% sure it's true?" The children replied, "It's not true. We already made $10. We will get our puppy!" Captain Snout affirmed them and said, "Remember, happy thoughts not only help you feel good, they can actually help your mind make good things happen!" 4: The Mind Reader ANT This ANT thinks it can see inside someone else's mind. It thinks it knows how others think and feel without even being told! It says thinks like Everybody thinks we'll do a bad job. They are all laughing at us. Captain Snout asked his Super Power Questions again: "Is that true? Are you 100% sure it's true?" The children replied, "Of course it's not true! We don't know what others are thinking!" 5: The Blaming ANT This ANT always sings the same old sad song: "He did it. She did it. It's not my fault. It's your fault." This ANT doesn't want you to admit your mistakes or learn how to fix things and make them right. It wants you to be a victim, not a superhero. Captain Snout asked his Super Power Questions again: "Is that true? Are you 100% sure it's true?" The children replied, "It's no one's fault. We can do it. We can find more customers!" Captain Snout affirmed them and said, "When you see your part in a problem, you have the power to make things better." Ending There are a lot of ANTs out there trying to steal our happiness. Fortunately, we have the Super Power Questions: Is that true? Are you 100% sure it's true? Thanks to Captain Snout and those Super Power Questions, the children had truer and happier thoughts. Then they spruced up their car wash. Before long, lots of customers came. They earned enough money for their new puppy, Zeus! My Experience I love how Dr. Amen uses the analogy of ANTs and created these visually memorable pictures of ANTs for us. It really helps us remember and use this idea in our own lives! I also appreciate how simple the solution is. We just have to ask two questions: Is it true? Are you 100% sure it's true? I would also ask, "Even if it's slightly true, is it 100% true? Are you overreacting?" Below are some of my own experiences using these Super Power Questions to fight those ANTs. 1: The "All-or-Nothing" ANT Before, when I used to have a bad relationship with my mother, I would say, "Why does she ALWAYS criticize me?" But after I asked myself, "Is that true? Is that 100% true?", I realized that actually, she spends more time cooking for me, cleaning the house, caring for me, and relatively little time criticizing me. I just happened to remember the criticisms vividly because of my weak self-esteem, and I didn't even see all the kind things she did for me every day. Another All-or-Nothing thought I had was, "She either loves me or criticizes (and therefore dislikes) me." But life is not black or white. She can love me AND criticize AND be having a bad day all at the same time! Similarly, I can be a good person AND have faults that need to be fixed at the same time! After I started thinking using AND instead of OR, I felt a lot better. 2: The "Just-the-Bad" ANT Sometimes, I accidently say something wrong or do something wrong and get really embarrassed about it, and I might say to myself, "Oh my god, that was the most embarrassing thing ever." But then I asked myself, "Is that true? Is that 100% true?" Well, it was pretty embarrassing, but it certainly could have been worse. I was reminded of a quote by Peter Crone, "It's not life-threatening. It's just ego threatening." That reminded me to base my self-worth on improvement and kindness rather than on perfectionism. 3: The Mind Reader ANT Sometimes, my mother says things that I interpret as a criticism, but she actually didn't have that intention. For example, after I cleaned some dishes, she pointed at one and asked, "Do you think that dish is clean?". I thought she was criticizing me and saying it's not clean. But later, she told me she had no intentions at all; The sunlight just happened to be very good, and she saw the dish very clearly, and it seemed not fully clean to her, so she wanted to make it more clean. So when I think others have negative intentions, I need to ask myself, "Is that true? Can I be 100% sure that I can read their mind?" Of course not, so I need to ask them what their intention is! If I make an embarrassing mistake, I also remind myself of this quote by Dr. Amen: "When you're 18, you care about what everyone thinks. When you're 40, you don't care about what anyone thinks. When you're 60, you realize nobody had been thinking about you the whole time; they were all too busy thinking about themselves!" 4: The Fortune Teller ANT There was a time when I had a very serious skin illness. I actually thought that I might have this illness for the rest of my life, and I felt very sad and helpless. If I were to ask myself, "Is this thought true? Is it 100% true?", I would say, "It's not 100% true that I might be sick forever, but I also can't be 100% sure that I will get cured!" That's why Captain Snout said, "Remember, happy thoughts not only help you feel good, they can actually help your mind make good things happen!" Back then I started doing meditation and gratitude journaling to cultivate a peaceful and positive mind. Even if my skin was in pain, my mind didn't have to be so agitated. Now, I'm healed, and cultivating positive emotions was a big part of the healing process! 5: The Blaming ANT I've come to learn that a problem is never 100% one person's fault. We always could have done better to prevent a problem from arising, and if we can focus our attention away from their fault and towards our contribution, then we will no longer be upset. For example, I've come to learn that whenever my mother gets upset at me, it's usually after a long period of her silently worrying about me being too busy. When she suddenly gets angry at me for some random thing, I would blame her and think, "Why are you suddenly getting angry at me? Why don't you just communicate your worries with me earlier instead of accumulating them until you blow up? It's not my fault, it's your fault!" But after reflecting on the Super Power Questions, "Is that true? Is that 100% true?", I realized that it is not 100% her fault. She did try to hint her worries to me, but I was just too busy to notice. And she probably tried to find time to communicate with me, but I was just too busy so she never had a chance to sit down and have a patient talk about it. Therefore, I have a big contribution to this problem too. As Captain Snout said, "When you see your part in a problem, you have the power to make things better." Once I took responsibility for my own problems, I apologized and felt a lot better. I also knew how to change myself to prevent this problem in the future. I learned to be more sensitive to other people's emotions and to have a daily scheduled time for family talk time. Conclusion Don't let the ANTs steal your happiness and ruin your life! Which ANTs do you most frequently face? How can you overcome them?