Is there a bad habit you want to change? Have you struggled with changing it? The importance of habits cannot be understated. As F.M. Alexander said, "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures." Image Source I recently listened to Jay Shetty (author of Think Like a Monk) talk about how to break bad habits in this podcast, and I was pleasantly surprised by his monk method. Although I researched habits in the past and even successfully changed some bad habits, I found Jay Shetty's advice to be very insightful. He gives a 7-step process: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder Know every single trigger Remove the triggers that you can Create if-then rules for the triggers you cannot remove Have someone you can call if you're about to fail Replace lower tastes with higher tastes Specially, I found step 1, step 2, and step 7 to be quite unique. The 7-Step Habit Change Process Step 1: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point When we realize a bad habit is hurting us, we might try to push it away with a lot of force. But that pushing away is still a form of attachment; our hand is still on it. Hating something and liking something are both a form of attachment; they are two sides of the same coin. If we can acknowledge that this behavior was useful for me at one point in the past, but it no longer serves me now, then we can gently open our palms and let it go. For example, I used to play a lot of video games. I used to feel bad about wasting so much time in the past on video games. But that negative emotion is still a form of attachment, and attachment makes us unhappy and stressed. When I am stressed, I am more likely to do bad habits like playing video games. After hearing Jay's advice, I realized that video games served me well when I had a lot of free time and didn't know any better ways to use my time. Now that I know better, I should let go of that past habit just like letting go of my old clothes that are too small for me now. It is a natural and relieving feeling, not a forceful feeling. Step 2: Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder In his book Think Like a Monk, Jay explains that we are motivated by four motivations: fear, desire, duty, and love. Fear is the lowest, love is the highest. It is hard for us to jump from fear to love, so we need to move up the ladder one step at a time. Jay gives the example of himself trying to eat healthier. He loves fried foods. But he learned how harmful fried foods are. That gave him fear. Then he desired visible results, so that motivated him to keep eat healthier. Then he thought about his duty to his family to be healthy. Then he thought about how much he loves his family and his body and how eating healthy is a way to show them love. Step 3: Know every single trigger. Jay gives the analogy of playing Mario. The first few times you play, you lose because you get caught by traps. As you keep trying, you take note of every single trap along the way to your goal. Then you can finally succeed by avoiding or dodging all the traps. The same is true for our bad habits. We all have triggers for our bad habits. We need to write down every single one. For example, Jay realized a common trigger for him was getting hungry at the studio. Then he would just eat whatever unhealthy snacks were available. For me, I often played video games as a way to take a break after doing some work. Another trigger was stress. Once we are clear about our triggers, then we can avoid or dodge them. Step 4: Remove the triggers that you can For example, Jay and his wife changed the snack drawer in their home to only have healthy snacks. That way whenever he wanted a snack, it was impossible for him to eat anything unhealthy. Jay also gave the example of a friend who was trying to quit pornography, and that person blocked all the websites on his computer and phone, making it nearly impossible for him to commit the bad behavior. Step 5: Create if-then rules for triggers that you cannot remove For example, Jay decided to carry about a packet of dried dates and nuts. If he gets hungry at the studio, he would eat that healthy snack instead of anything unhealthy available at the studio. For me, I decided that if I felt the urge to play some video games, I would go watch an educational video about improving my virtues. Usually, I would get very interested in the video and the urge to play video games goes away. Afterwards, I feel a long-lasting sense of happiness that I spent my time well, rather than the temporary pleasure of gaming that results in guilt after. Step 6: Have someone you can call if you're about to fail This one is really interesting and useful. Essentially, calling that person helps to break our habit cycle. They can intervene and remind us of our goal and why we want to quit that bad habit. The fact that they gave us a pep talk will also motivate us to not disappoint them. Step 7: Replace lower tastes with higher tastes I really like the phrasing of this. The phrasing other people use is to replace a bad habit with a healthier habit. But often times, people feel like the healthier habit is not as enjoyable as the bad habit. However, we should replace the bad habit with a higher taste. For example, playing video games is a low taste. Reading literature is a higher taste. Although at first it doesn't seem as enjoyable as playing video games, after I got accustomed to the new taste, I like it a lot better than the lower taste. Now, I would rather read and write over play video games. I have learned to seek meaningful joy over mindless entertainment. Another example is healthier snacks. I used to crave sweets like candy and chocolate. Then I replaced it with sweet dates and nuts. At first, these didn't give me the same pleasure high as unhealthy snacks, but over time, I've come to prefer and enjoy the healthier snacks more. I became accustomed to the higher tastes and don't have any desire to return to the lower tastes. Ending Remarks It takes around 10 weeks (2.5 months) to change a habit, so we need to be patient. Sometimes, people will say "In the new year, I'm going to stop that bad habit." But going from 100 to 0 is not realistic. A better goal would be to goal from 100 to 90, and then change slowly but steadily. For a deeper reading on changing habits, check out this article: How to Build Healthy Habits that Stick and Break Bad Ones. Changing our bad habits isn't easy, but it is one of the most worthwhile things we can do in our life. As Will Durant said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” What habit will you try to improve?

苏格拉底曾站在集市角落边上的一块大石头上发表了关于人生和哲学的演讲。集市的人们经过他，听了几分钟然后离去。他们从不关注他的哲学。 当苏格拉底注意到人们并不太关注他的哲学的时候，他打算试一下别的方法。他告诉人们他将讲述一个非常有趣的故事。听到他发言的人都迫切的走到他身边来倾听他的故事。他这也讲述他的故事： “曾有个商人有很多商品需要销售，他打算到另一个大城市去卖。他打包了商品，将他们驮在肩膀上，在黎明前离开了。唯一去那城市的路线需要爬一座大山。当他正在走路时，他发现了另一个牵着驴前往同一座城的人。在一起散步聊天时，他们成为了好朋友。商人向那个人租了驴来存放他的货物，直到到达那座城市前。那个人因为报酬而答应了。” 在这时，苏格拉底发现很多观众围住了他倾听故事，而很多人在听故事时忘记了手头的事情。那些曾经仅呆了几分钟的人也忘记了他们的事情来听故事。苏格拉底继续讲述故事： “他们必须通过攀爬一座陡峭的山来到达他们的目的地。商人将自己的货物置于驴身上，然后他们在清晨启程。在早晨赶路很轻松。随着时间流逝，爬那座山对于他们来说非常困难。他们汗流浃背，感到十分疲劳。当太阳在他们的头顶升起时，他们打算小憩一下。” 此时有更多人到来围住苏格拉底，迫切地听他的故事。 他继续到： “此时已是午时，他们感到非常疲劳。他们打算休息一下，但是没有树荫可供他们坐下来休息。唯有驮着货物的驴的影子。驴的影子仅容得下一个人。驴主人告诉商人驴的影子仅属于他一个人，因为他是驴的主人。但商人不同意，说是他雇佣了驴，所以驴的影子应该属于他。 驴主人说道，他仅仅出租了驴，而不是影子。但商人说当他雇了驴的时候，也包含了驴的影子。两个人陷入了激烈的关于驴影子归属的争论。各自都认为影子该归自己所有。” 这时已经有非常多的人在听苏格拉底讲故事。他便从站着的石头上走下来，走开了。人们跟随着他，要求他把故事讲完。他并没有理睬人群，继续走着。越来越多的人跟着他要求他讲完故事。他们逼迫苏格拉底，苏格拉底只好停下，转身对他们说： “当我对你们说一些重要和严肃的事情比如人生和哲学时，你们却并不注意我。而当我开始讲述一个富有想象力的故事时，你们渴望地听着。你们留意愚蠢的事情却忽略了人生中重要的事情。你们应该多关注重要的事情而不是琐碎。” 点评 这节课的重点在于我们是否浪费了太多的时间在“驴的故事”上，而不是重要的事项。事实上我被这个迷人的驴的故事震撼到了。确实，太多无关紧要的事物是迷人的，比如电视秀，游戏，或是浏览社交媒体。我们应该明智的使用时间和精力。 在听这个故事前，我以为自己把时间安排的很好，但是苏格拉底使得我去思考，自己是否在面对诱人的干扰时仍然保持对优先事物的专注度。毕竟，如果没有任何会让你分心的诱人的干扰，你就不能说自己完全专注于重要事项。 第二个重点是做重要的事情，无论对你而言是什么，要每天做。写日记是我已经坚持做一年的好习惯。我每天仅仅花了几分钟来写下一些今天做的重要事情，比如工作，冥想，读的书，家务，等等。这本日记帮助我能坚持做想做的事情，比如看书和冥想。我不想半途而废，所以记两分钟的日记帮助我保持好习惯。我强烈向那些想开始养成一个习惯的人推荐这个方法。 第三个重点是教育不仅仅靠言语，更需要展示。如果苏格拉底仅向人们讲述了生活应该专注于重要事情的话，人们会忽略他并认为他们已经做到了。但是通过这个愚蠢的驴的故事来吸引人们，他令所有人措手不及，然后他告诉人们“看，你们对一个愚蠢的故事如此痴迷。难道你们不知道你们应当专注于生活中重要的事情吗？” 总结 俗话说： 一寸光阴一寸金，寸金难买寸光阴。 我是否在“驴的故事”上花费了太多的时间与生命，而忽略了重要的事情？

无论你是什么人，你都很可能要影响别人。父母要影响孩子，老师要影响学生，上司要影响下属，同事要影响同事，同伴要影响同伴。要影响别人就要成为“领导者”。我们怎样才能成为一个好的领导者呢？中国传统文化告诉我们一个好领导一定拥有三种品质：君亲师。 君：他们以身作则 亲：他们为追随者展现诚挚的关心 师：他们教育和引导他们的追随者 來源 君 ：以身作则 如果你的上司要求你努力工作，但是你经常看到她偷懒，你会受到激励而努力工作吗？当然不会。 如果你的同伴要求你计划更多有趣的活动，但是她从不计划，你会受到激励而去计划有趣的活动吗？大概也不会吧。 当别人言行不一致时，人们就会对他失去尊重。人们會想：“如果你甚至没做到你正所说的，为什么我要这么做？”或者是“你并不比我好，你没有资格告诉我怎么做。” 另一方面，如果你经常看到你的上司工作非常努力，尽管他从未告诉你你应该努力工作，你可能会倾向于对你的工作增加一些努力。如果你的同伴经常计划有趣的活动，你大概率会更愿意于帮助她和作出贡献。 來源 孔子说过：【其身正，不令而行；其身不正，雖令不從】。如果我们做了好榜样，我们不要求别人效法我们，他们也会效法我们。如果我们没做好，那我们要求别人的时候他们也不会听从。 《大学》曰：【君子有诸己而后求诸人，无诸己而后非诸人】。我們先有一個优点才能勸别人修那個優點，我們先沒有一個缺點才能勸别人去掉那個缺點。因此，有影响力的领导的第一品质是以身作则，而且他们确保别人看到他们所树立的榜样。 故事： 一次，一位母亲带他的孩子找圣雄甘地，告诉他【我的孩子吃太多糖，你告诉他不要吃那么多糖吧】。雄甘回答【请您过两周再回来】。两周后，他们俩又拜访甘地，这次甘地就说【小孩，不要吃那么多糖，对健康不好】。小孩很佩服甘地，所以就点头答应了。 这位母亲很纳闷，就问了甘地【你为什么叫我们等俩周才说出这句话？】。甘地回答【两周前，我也吃很多糖，我怎么能叫别人不吃？】 亲 ：诚挚的关心 假若你的上司告诉你努力工作，然后他确实设立了一个好的榜样。但是事实上，你认为你和上司之间有很大不同。他职业抱负富有野心，而你更注重于家庭。所以当你的上司要求你着手于延伸性项目，你并不想这么做。 是什么问题？领导者需要向追随者们展现诚挚地关心。这怎么样作呢？有很多方法： 用心的去了解他人，他的情况，目标，和感受。 告诉他你支持他的目标。 给他们鼓励和感恩的言语。 做些事帮他们减少他们的压力和工作量。 给他一些小礼物，说明你关心他。 当一个追随者相信他的领导者总是为他人设身处地着想，他就会受到启发和激励去追随领导者的指示。 来源 《弟子规》说：【势服人，心不然，理服人，方无言】。在以上的案例中，上司应当去了解追随者的情况，感受，和目标，这样建立一段有恩义的关系，并且将任何要求与追随者的个人目标联系起来。当追随者意识到领导者知道他的个人目标，而且他心里为他人做最好的打算，他将受到激励而追随。 故事： 净空法师曾有分享过他年轻时候的一个小故事。他还没出家前做过小公务人员，上班有时候工作不多，在办公室里看看报纸时，有个不好的习气：坐在椅子上，把背靠在椅背上，椅子前面俩个腿就翘起来，躺着很舒服。 他的长官看到就从后面来，拍拍他的肩膀，他就马上站起来。长官没有责备他，反而用柔言爱语说【你这种坐法容易跌倒受伤啊】。收到这种诚挚的关怀，净空法师终身就不忘，坏习气也再没犯过。假如长官有呵斥骂一顿，那可能等长官走后，他照样翘起来。 师 ：教育和引导追随者们 假设你的伙伴要求你计划更多有趣的活动，并且她确实设立了一个好的榜样。你很忙，但是她和你一样忙，而且她找到了时间来计划这些活动。你同样高度重视和尊敬你的伙伴因为他非常理解你，她在这段关系中付出了很多。 问题是，你只是不知道如何计划活动。你不知道如何搜索活动或是航班。你不知道如何购买机票。所以尽管你的伙伴已经设立了一个好的榜样并且在这段关系中展现了诚挚的关心，你仍然会抗拒她的要求。 那么领导者们该做些什么？一个好领导者要提前教好追随者如何完成任务。 来源 如果领导者真的理解追随者（在此案例中为她的伙伴），她会意识到追随者缺乏要求中所需的技能和能力。一个好领导者在她的追随者独自完成她的任务前，会自愿教育和引导追随者如何完成任务。她还会耐心地验证追随者已经学习到了并且发展了能力或者技能后，再要求追随者独自完成。 结果 ：好领导者不抱怨 根据以上提到的三个品质，一位有影响力的领导者没有任何需要抱怨的。《论语》开头就说【人不知而不慍 不亦君子乎】。如果追随者没有做的好，一定是领导者在以上的三个品质有缺乏，所以没有理由对追随者抱怨。 如果一个好的领导者看到她的孩子经常睡懒觉，浪费时间，她不会说想“为什么孩子这么懒惰”这种话。相反，她首先会反思自己是否设立了一个好的榜样，所谓“上行下效”。她还会注意如果孩子的其他模范有没有设立了好的榜样，然后她会反思孩子是否认识到了懒惰的弊端。反思后，她可能会意识到孩子需要更多好的模范并且理解懒惰的后果。她不会对孩子抱有指责之心。 如果一个好的领导发现他的团队成员很自私，他不会说“为什么人们都这么自私？”相反，他会用自己的行动来设立一个好的榜样而且确保他的团队成员认为他是一个体贴的人，且同样也是一个团队成员。他同时会与每一个人建立牢固的关系。如此团队成员会相信领导的心里有对他们有着最好的想法。最后，领导者会考虑他的团队成员是否知道如何为他人着想，以及为什么这很重要。毕竟他们可能曾在一个将自私视为常态的文化和环境中长大。如果是这样，那么不该带着责备或是怨恨来教导团队是至关重要的，而是带着关心和善意。 结论与思考 在你的日常生活中，你经常需要影响谁？ 根据这三种品质，你认为你是一个优秀的领导者吗？

Image Source: Unsplash One day, a wife found out her husband had cheated on her. She was absolutely devastated by her husband’s infidelity. She called some of her friends, and they all told her she should punish her husband or divorce from him. She felt worse and worse. Then she remembered Mr. Cai, who taught her about Di Zi Gui and virtues, so she called him hoping he might have some good advice. When Mr. Cai picked up the phone, she was already sobbing. She told Mr. Cai about what had happened and asked for his advice. Mr. Cai said, “When an outcome like this happens, there’s no way it’s 100% the other person’s fault and we are 100% innocent. So the first thought you must think is, What did I do wrong? What’s my contribution to the outcome? When we only think about the other person’s wrongs, our emotional state will get worse and worse, and we become prone to acting irrationally.” The woman calmed down a little. He then continued, saying, “Let’s say it’s 80% their fault, and 20% our fault. We need to calm down and figure out what our 20% is, and then fix it. That’s the first important attitude to have. The second thing is to not put our messy emotions onto the other person. The third thing is this: When your husband is right, view him as your husband. When your husband is wrong, view him as your own son. If your son makes a mistake, would you abandon him and say it’s all his fault? Of course not. That would be very unfair.” The woman said, “But he’s already so old, how can he not even know how to be a decent person?!” Mr. Cai replied, “He’s old how? His body. What how about his wisdom? You say he should know. He really shouldn’t know because no one taught him. Has anyone ever taught you how to nurture a good spousal relationship? You’ve gone to school for over 10 years, yet have you ever learned about how to nurture a relationship?” The woman said, “Okay, but what should I do then?” Mr. Cai then proceeded to tell her a true story that he heard from his teacher, Ms. Yang. Ms. Yang once had a student come to her sobbing, saying that her husband cheated on her. First, Ms. Yang exerted a calm presence to calm that student down. Then she asked, “Are you here to truly solve the problem? Or are you just seeking to rant?” The student said she’s serious about solving the problem. Yang said, “Then you must seriously act on what I tell you to do.” The student complied. Yang continued, “You must use tenderness to resolve this problem. Starting from today, his wrongs come second. Your wrongs come first. That means you must complete your duties fully, whether that be taking care of the kids, serving the in-laws, or anything else that’s your duty. Make sure you do your part completely. Over time, your virtue will awaken his sense of shame.” So the next day, the woman put on a light layer of make up to look pleasant and presentable. At night, she made sure the children’s bags were packed for the next day, and then she put them to sleep. Then she sat and waited for her husband to return home. She watched the clocked tick away, second by second. 10:00PM. 10:30PM. Suddenly, she understood an important concept: endure. If she were to let her anger rise now, then all of the previous effort she put in would go down the drain. So she continued to endure. After 1:00AM, she heard the door open. What now? She immediately went over to the door, gave her husband a big smile, took her husband’s brief case with both hands, and said, “You must’ve had such a long and tiring day, coming home so late. You must be hungry too. I’ll go prepare some noodles for you right away.” Then she went to make some noodles. The husband was very shocked and confused, wondering if something had happened to his wife. Starting from that day, the wife waited patiently every day for her husband to come home. Even though this husband had cheated on her, his sense of sense was awakened by his wife’s virtues. After about two months time, one day, this husband came home very early. As soon as he came in the door, he knelt down and said, “Please forgive me.” The husband continued, “These past couple of months, I received such kindness from you, it’s been tormenting me. I don’t know how much more I can take.” And so the wife was able to overcome her husband’s faults with sincerity and virtue. Commentary Being cheated on by someone you love and trust is probably one of the hardest things to face in life. Most of us would feel negative emotions such as anger, resentment, hate, doubt, or shame. This true story illustrated a productive and positive way to resolve this conflict. Lesson 1: Have a Bigger Heart When the other person cheats on us, it is easy to blame everything on them, yell at them in anger, punish them, and cut off the relationship there and then. It is much harder to remain calm, to pity the other person, and then to help them correct their mistake. But if we think about it, which is the better option? If we let our anger loose on them, we might feel good in the short run because they got the punishment that they deserved. But if we don't find a way to let go of that anger and resentment towards them, then we will continue to suffer. It's lose-lose. The Buddha gave a great analogy: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." In this story, the wife took the higher road. She had a big heart and decided to pity her husband and to help her husband correct his mistake. She was determined to be a virtuous person, which is why she treated her husband so well for two months. She let go of her anger and resentment towards him, so her heart felt free. Even if the husband didn't apologize after 6 months, the wife wouldn't be bothered. Her happiness was no longer dependent on how the husband behaved, but only on how she behaved. Plus, if the husband really didn't wake up and see how good of a wife he had, other people around him would notice, and they would probably smack him on the head and tell him to repent. Lesson 2: Focus on What is in Your Control The other lesson from the story is that whenever an interpersonal problem occurs, it is never 100% one person's fault. We need to focus our attention on fixing our part first rather than waiting for the other person to fix their part. As Ryan Holiday said in his book, The Obstacle is the Way, “You will come across obstacles in life — fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure.” What other people do and think is not within our control. If we only focus our attention on their wrongs, then our heart will be very angry and bitter. Not only will we be miserable, our misery will hurt innocent bystanders like the children, grandparents, and friends. Then we are being unfair to others too, which makes us bad just like the offender. The only thing we can control is our attitude and behavior. When we instead focus on how we can do better, on how we can set a good example, then we will have a positive goal to work towards, and our emotional state will be much better. When our emotions are calm, we can make better decisions and act rationally, which will allow us to improve the situation.

Here are my key takeaways from the book Principles by Ray Dalio. Out of all the books I've read and all the things I've learned in school and in life so far, the lessons from this book are in the top 10% that I repeatedly refer back to. I try to write concisely, and this article is the longest book summary I've written, and that's because there's just so many gems from this book. I also reported on how I actually used the learnings in my own life so that it's not just empty knowledge. This book is about the timeless principles for making decision. In our lives, we make decision after decision, and one could argue that the quality o your life is dependent on the quality of your decisions. Hence, honing your decision-making abilities is well-worth the effort. The book has three parts. Part 1 is about the author’s journey, aimed at setting a context for his principles. Part 2 is about his life principles. Part 3 is about his work principles. The author states that Part 2 is the main focus on the book, and he wishes for everyone to read Part 2 fully. For the sake of brevity, I will just go over the Part 2 (Life Principles) in this article. I don’t see Part 1 as needing any analysis or summary, and Part 3 is essentially the life principles applied to a workplace setting. Here is a click-able table of contents to help you navigate the article. Question 1: Why did the Author Write This Book? Question 2: What are the Principles He Mentions? Embrace Reality and Deal With It Use The 5-Step Process for Success Be Radically Open-Minded Understand That People are Wired Very Differently Learn How to Make Decisions Effectively Question 3: What are the Main Ideas of the Book? Pain + Reflection = Progress Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships The Conscious and Subconscious Brains Overcome the Two barriers to Success Make Believability-Weighted Decisions People are Have Different and Objective Strengths and Weaknesses The 5-Step Process to Success Make Effective Decisions Question 4: How Have I Applied This Book in My Life? Pain + Reflection = Progress Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships The Conscious and Subconscious Brains Overcome the Two barriers to Success Make Believability-Weighted Decisions People are Have Different and Objective Strengths and Weaknesses The 5-Step Process to Success Make Effective Decisions Conclusion Q1: Why did the author write this book? Ray Dalio has had tremendous success, both by outward measures and by his intrinsic measures. Outwardly, he has achieved tremendous wealth and fame. Inwardly, he has built meaningful work and strong relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. At the age of 68 when the book was published, Ray is now at a stage in his life where he wants to help others be successful rather than to be more successful himself. For his employees at Bridgewater, he hopes this book will pass down his principles for decision-making and empower future employees to thrive without him. For everyone else, he wants them to find meaningful work and build meaningful relationships, which are the two things his principles focus on. Although he offers his list of principles, readers don’t have to adopt each and every one of them. In fact, he wants every reader to thoughtfully choose which, if any, principles to adopt for themselves. He also wants people to discover their own principles and write them down, thereby improving their decisions and lives. Q2: What are the Principles he mentions? If you’re like me, you read the title “Principles” and wondered, “So, what are the principles he mentions anyway?” Here’s an extremely high-level summary. Here are the five major principles from the book: Principle 1: Embrace reality and deal with it. We need to face our weaknesses and the difficulties of our situation rather than turning a blind eye towards them. To embrace reality, we need to observe the rules of life and nature. For example, anything in excess becomes unfavorable. To deal with reality, we need to own our outcomes and focus on the things in our control rather than complaining about things outside our control. Principle 2: Use the 5-Step Process to get what you want out of life. Here’s the 5-Step Process: Have clear goals Identify the problems that stand in your way Accurately diagnose the problems to get at their root causes Design plans that will get you around them Do what’s necessary to push these designs through to results Principle 3: Be radically open-minded. Let go of your ego, which is controlled by the amygdala in your brain. This takes conscious effort, but it does get easier with practice. Being open-minded means instead of focusing on being right, you focus on finding the truth, even if it means you were wrong. It also means having thoughtful and productive disagreements with people rather than emotion-heavy unproductive ones. Principle 4: Understand that people are wired very differently. Know the strengths and weaknesses of yourself and others. Just as we all have different physical attributes, we also all have different mental attributes. When you know yourself and others, you can better predicate their behavior and how well they will do certain things. Principle 5: Learn how to make decisions effectively. Use principles to systematize your decisions. When you have documented principles, you’ll see new situations as “just another one of those” to which you can apply a relevant principle. Logic is your best tool for understanding reality, while the biggest enemy is harmful emotions. For many decisions, we should also seek about other people who are credible on the topic of the decision. When making decisions, we need to remember to connect the low-level details to the big picture. Never lose sight of why you’re doing something. In terms of getting information, there are typically 5-10 important factors to consider for any decision. Understand those factors really well and don’t waste time on more. The best choices are ones that have more pros than cons, not those that don’t have any cons at all. Q3: What are the main ideas of the book? There are 8 big lessons that I took away from this book: Pain + Reflection = Progress Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships The Conscious and Subconscious Minds Overcome the Two barriers to Success Make Believability-Weighted Decisions People are Have Different and Objective Strengths and Weaknesses The 5-Step Process to Success Make Effective Decisions Lesson 1: Pain + Reflection = Progress "I have largely gotten past the pain of my mistake making and instead enjoy the pleasure that comes with learning from it." —Ray Dalio Like most people, I don’t like pain. It’s a natural biological response. For example, I hate having arguments because they’re emotionally painful. But if I avoid communicating about important topics because I’m scared of pain, then it’s very unhelpful. So the first big takeaway for me is that life will always have (emotional) pain, and I need to embrace it if I want to move forward. Painful truth is better than comfortable delusion. That temporarily comfortable delusion will eventually come back to bite us. The good news is that pain + reflection = progress, and progress is pleasurable. We can train ourselves to form a habit of reflecting on pain, difficulties, and challenges. After reflection, we need to take responsibility for the things in our control instead of complaining about the things outside our control. Only then will we be back on the path to success and happiness. "If you can reflect deeply about your problems, they almost always shrink or disappear, because you almost always find a better way of dealing with them." —Ray Dalio Lesson 2: Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships “Meaningful work and meaningful relationships aren’t just nice things we choose for ourselves, they are genetically programmed into us.” —Ray Dalio Ray Dalio explains in the book, using evidence from neuroscientists and spiritual leaders, how the human brain is evolutionarily programmed to seek and enjoy social cooperation (meaningful relationships) and to benefit the group (meaningful work). When we do these two things, we enjoy life, and success comes as a byproduct. "Meaningful work and meaningful relationships were and still are my primary goals and everything I did was for them. Making money was an incidental consequence of that." —Ray Dalio Lesson 3: The Conscious and Subconscious Mind When we understand our conscious and subconscious minds, we are able to overcome emotional hijacking, connect the two minds, and create productive habits. "Be aware of your subconscious—of how it can both harm you and help you, and how by consciously reflecting on what comes out of it, perhaps with the help of others, you can become happier and more effective." —Ray Dalio Overcome Emotional Hijacking Similar to animals, many of our decision-making drivers are unconscious. An animal doesn't "decide" to fly or hunt; it just follows instructions from the subconscious brain. We also have instructions coming from our subconscious brain. In the human brain, the amygdala is responsible for emotions, and it is not accessible to your conscious mind. That means we are usually not aware of how our emotions are controlling us. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for logical thinking, and it is totally conscious, so we are aware of our logical thoughts. Image Source Notice that the amygdala is closer to the center and stem of the brain, while the prefrontal cortex is in the outer region. That's because the amygdala is more primitive; it came before the prefrontal cortex. As a result, the amygdala is more powerful and can override the prefrontal cortex. Ray Dalio calls these events amygdala hijackings (emotional hijackings). To give a simple example, if someone criticizes you, what happens? You feel your heart rate go up, your hands get sweaty, your muscles tighten. This is a fight-or-flight response similar to if you saw a hungry lion. Even though your rational brain says the criticism is helpful and not dangerous, the primitive brain hates it and overrides your body’s physiological response. The good news is that if your train your conscious mind to recognize the physiological signs of these amygdala hijackings, (like rising heart rate in an argument), it can disobey the amygdala's instructions. For example, if you're having a disagreement with someone, and you notice your heart pounding louder and faster, you can consciously realize "Oh, my amygdala is unconsciously making me close-minded. I need to consciously switch to being open-minded." "The biggest difference between people who guide their own personal evolution and achieve their goals and those who don't is that those who make progress reflect on what causes their amygdala hijackings. —Ray Dalio Connect the Conscious to the Subconscious Mind Have you ever had sudden realizations or great ideas pop up in the shower or while meditating? Why does that happen? It's because when we relax our conscious mind, it opens the communication with the subconscious mind. When we are faced with a challenging task that requires creativity, our natural instinct is to think harder about it. But it might actually be more helpful to clear your mind through meditation and connect to your subconscious mind. The more your practice, the better you will get at it. Create Productive Habits Dalio defines habits as the strong tendency to keep doing what you have been doing, or to keep not doing what you have not been doing. Habits are controlled by an area of the brain called the basal ganglia. Image Source Notice how the basal ganglia is also located near the center of the brain. Just like the amygdala, it is not accessible to our conscious mind, meaning our habits make us act unconsciously. Good habits get you to do what the “upper-level you” wants, while bad habits are controlled by the “lower-level you”. If we pick our habits thoughtfully, then we radically improve the trajectory of our lives. How can we create good habits? Dalio recommends the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, but he gives a short summary. Essentially, habits are a three-step loop: Cue – A trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use Routine – This can be physical, mental, or emotional Reward – This tells the brain if this loop is worth remembering for the future For example, when Dalio experiences pain (cue), he uses that as a trigger to do reflection (that’s his routine). Then when he learns from the reflection, he feels pleasure (reward). As he does this more and more, his brain will naturally create that habit. Research suggests that if you stick with a habit for around 18 months, you will build a strong tendency to stick to it forever. Dalio didn't go into too much detail in Principles, but in The Power of Habit, Duhigg explains that in order to change a habit, we must change the routine (the response). For example, I had a friend who was trying to get over social media addiction. In his article, he explained how his habit loop: Cue: Feeling boredom and opening up social media application Routine: Browse social media application Reward: New knowledge and laughter Craving: Desire for new knowledge and information/a break He then made a new habit loop: Cue: Feeling boredom and opening up social media application Routine: Reading one paragraph from Kindle on phone Reward: New knowledge, laughter, boredom relief. Craving: Desire for new knowledge and information/a break After one month, his social media usage went from 1.5 hours/day to 10 minutes per day. Ray Dalio encourages all of us to develop the habit of self-reflection. “The most valuable habit I’ve acquired is using pain to trigger quality reflections. If you can acquire this habit yourself, you will learn what causes your pain and what you can do about it, and it will have an enormous impact on your effectiveness.” —Ray Dalio Many people feel like they are fighting with themselves to overcome bad habits and make good ones. They get upset at themselves when they do a bad habit or can’t do a good habit. Ray Dalio comments that we shouldn’t fight with ourselves, but rather “the higher level you” (logical parent) needs to approach the “lower-level you” (emotional child) with loving kindness and persistence until the right habits are acquired, just like how a loving parent would treat a child. Lesson 4: Overcome the Two Barriers to Success The two barriers are the ego barrier and the blind spot barrier. These two barriers are rooted in the biology of the human brain. To overcome these two barriers, we need to practice radical open-mindedness. Barrier 1: Ego Ray Dalio defines the ego barrier as "your subliminal defense mechanisms that make it hard for you to accept your mistakes and weaknesses." The ego barrier resides in the amygdala. As mentioned before, the amygdala processes emotions and is subconscious. The ego wants to feel loved, to feel important, and to survive. It craves praise and views criticisms as attacks. As mentioned previously, the amygdala (ego) also has the power to override the prefrontal cortex (the logical brain); Ray Dalio calls it amygdala hijacking. The good news is that we can train our conscious mind to recognize amygdala hijackings and then disobey the amygdala's instructions. Barrier 2: Blind Spots Ray Dalio defines blind spot barriers as “areas where your way of thinking prevents you from seeing things accurately.” It arises from the fact that everyone’s brains are wired differently. Here are some examples: Someone who naturally sees the big picture is more prone to be blind to the small details. And vice versa. Someone who is naturally strong at thinking logically is more likely to miss out on other people's emotional cues. And vice versa. Someone who is naturally strong at observing reality is weaker about imagining possibilities. And vice versa. Someone who is naturally spontaneous is weaker at following rules and routines. And vice versa. These traits aren't inherently good or habit; they're just different, and they're suitable to different situations. I go into great detail about these personality traits in my article on Myers-Briggs. To adapt to our natural blind spots, we have three options: Teach your brain to work in ways that don’t come naturally. (e.g., thinking creatively if you’re not naturally creative) Using compensating mechanisms (like programmed reminders) Relying on the help of others who are strong where you’re weak The first option is probably the hardest, but I heard Dalio say on an interview that people are usually able to improve a weakness by one standard deviation in the population. That means you probably won't make your weakness a strength, but you can make it not a big problem anymore. The third option is probably the most efficient but rarely used. Solution: Radical Open-Mindedness The author views Principle 4: Be Radically Open-Minded as the most important one because it explains how to work around the ego and blind spots. "Radical open-mindedness is motivated by the genuine worry that you might not be seeing your choices optimally. It is the ability to effectively explore different points of view and different possibilities without letting your ego or your blind spots get in your way. It requires you to replace your attachment to always being right with the joy of learning what's true." —Ray Dalio The best relationships and results happen when both parties are open-minded. Open-minded people focus on finding the truth rather than on being right, and they can have thoughtful disagreements that don’t create emotional conflict. The primitive brain (ego) is not open-minded. The rational brain is. By practicing open-mindedness, we are increasing the strength of our rational brain over our primitive brain. From another perspective, open-mindedness can be even more important than being smart because it lets us seek out better answers than you could come up with just by yourself. But we have to critically assess what other people say. "In a thoughtful disagreement, your goal is not to convince the other party that you are right—it is to find out which view is true and then decide what to do about it." —Ray Dalio To do this, we need to approach the conversation as a student trying to understand. We should ask questions rather than make statements. We need to be calm and dispassionate; we aren’t arguing, we’re openly exploring what’s true. People who change their minds because they learned something are the winners, where as those who stubbornly refuse to learn are the losers. Here are some indicators of closed-minded versus open-minded people: Essentially, closed-minded people are arrogant, emotional, and want to satisfy their ego. Open-minded people are humble, rational, and want the best result. "Open-mindedness doesn't mean going along with what you don't believe in; it means considering the reasoning of others instead of illogically holding onto your own point of view." —Ray Dalio We also shouldn’t consider the views of everyone. We should only consider the viewpoints of believable people. These are people who have repeatedly accomplished something and have great explanations for how. If one party is clearly more knowledgeable than the other, then the less-knowledgeable party should be a student and the more knowledgeable party should be a teacher. If both parties are equally believable, then they are peers, and it’s appropriate to debate thoughtfully. This brings us to the next point. Lesson 5: Make Believability-Weighted Decisions There are some decisions we can make ourselves. But for many big and challenging decisions, we should seek the advice of others who have more expertise than us. "While it is up to us to know what we want, others may know how to get it better than we do because they have more strengths where we have weaknesses, or more relevant knowledge and experience... Knowing when not to make your own decisions is one of the most important skills you can develop." —Ray Dalio But we also need to be careful who we ask. “One of the most important decisions you can make is who you ask questions of. Make sure they're fully informed and believable... Listening to uninformed people is worse than having no answers at all." —Ray Dalio As mentioned before, believable people are those who have repeatedly and successfully accomplished something, AND they have great explanations for how they did it. To go a step further, we should look for open-minded believable parties who are willing to have productive debate for the purpose of finding the truth. This is the mindset Ray Dalio has fostered at his company. He uses the term "idea meritocracy" to describe his company culture because it encourages thoughtful disagreements and weighs people's opinions in proportion to their credibility. He credits much of the success of Bridgewater to building this idea meritocracy culture. As mentioned before, we need to overcome our ego barrier and blind spot barrier to be open-minded. And we need to be open-minded to effectively consider other people’s views. Lesson 6: People Have Different and Objective Strengths and Weaknesses Just as people have different physical traits, people also have different psychological traits. Since our brains are biologically different, we all experience reality in different ways, and any one way is actually distorted. By getting multiple perspectives, we get closer to truth. The better we know ourselves, the better we can recognize our blind spots and what we can or cannot change about ourselves. The better we know other people, the better we can predict their behavior and performance on certain tasks. Discovering Your Strengths and Weaknesses To better understand himself and others, Ray Dalio uses many psychometric assessments. The four main ones he uses are Myers-Brigg Type Indicator, The Workplace Personality Inventory, The Team Dimensions Profile, and Stratified Systems Theory. For example, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator looks at five different attribute spectrums: Introversion VS Extroversion: Whether people prefer to work quietly alone or talking in groups. Intuiting VS Sensing: Intuiting focuses on the big picture; Sensing focuses on details Thinking VS Feeling: Thinking people focus on logic; Feeling people focus on harmony Planning VS Perceiving: Planners like to make a plan and stick with it; Perceivers like to focus on the present and adapt to it. They often have trouble appreciating each other. Assertive VS Turbulent: Assertive people are more self-confident and resistant to stress. Turbulent people experience more emotional swings and are always striving to improve themselves. (I've personally found great usefulness in Myers-Briggs, and I explain it in detail in this article. The Team Dimensions Profile categorizes people into different archetypes: Creators are good at generating ideas. They prefer unstructured and abstract activities. Advancers communicate new ideas from others and carry them forward. They focus on harmony and enthusiasm. Refiners focus on analysis and will challenge ideas and look for flaws. Executors focus on the details and the bottom line. They make sure important things get done. Flexors are a combination of all 4 types. They can adapt their styles to fit certain needs, but they may lack an independent view to go against others. Of course, individuals are more complex than the archetypes that psychometric assessments put them into, and people often fit into more than one archetype. For example, Ray is a visionary, practical thinker, and executor. But the key idea here is that psychometric assessments are extremely useful for giving you a good understand of yourself in a world where most people don’t understand themselves much at all. Dealing with Weaknesses Only when you better understand yourself can you then channel your strengths and deal with your weaknesses. When we encounter weaknesses, we have four choices Deny them (which is what most people do) Work to improve them (which may or may not work depending on your ability to change and if the weakness is innate or not) Find ways around the weakness (like having someone else complement you) Change your goals to not need this skill that you’re weak at The second choice is probably best if it works. You should try this path if that weakness is not an innate weakness but rather just something you have not yet learned or trained yourself in. The third choice is actually the easiest and often the most viable, yet it is the least chosen one. Most people lack the courage to confront their weaknesses and make the hard choices that this process requires. Ultimately, it comes down to five decisions: Don’t confuse what you wish were true with what is really true Don’t worry about looking good. Worry instead about achieving your goals. Don’t overweight short-term consequences relative to long-term ones. Don’t let pain stand in the way of progress. Reflect on it to progress. Don’t blame bad outcomes on anyone but yourself. Fine-tune your plan or yourself. Lesson 7: The 5-Step Process to Success Ray Dalio has reflected that there are five steps to get what you what: Set clear goals Identify the problems that stand in your way Diagnose root causes to those problems Design plans to get around those problems Execute and push through to results The steps loop because once you get the results you want, you'll naturally set your sights on the next goal. A key point about the 5-Step Process is that the steps must be done one at a time. For example, when you set goals, just set goals. Don’t think about how you will achieve them or what you’ll do if something goes wrong. Another key point about the 5-Step Process is not no one is strong at all five steps. That's why we need to find others with complementary strengths to help us. Let’s go into further detail for each step. Step 1: Set Clear Goals While you can have almost anything you want, you can’t have everything. If you pursue too many things at once, you’ll be mediocre at all of them. You have to prioritize. Step 2: Identify Problems that Stand in Your Way Don’t be afraid of identifying problems. Problems are potential improvements just screaming at you to be discovered and then implemented. Although thinking about your problems might make you anxious, not thinking about them should make you even more anxious because they’re just forever lingering in the background of your life. Distinguish the big problems from small ones and invest in solving the big ones with the largest returns. Step 3: Diagnose Problems to get at their Root Causes Root causes are adjectives. Proximal causes are verbs. For example, let’s say I missed the train. The proximal cause is a verb: I forgot to check the train. The root cause is an adjective: I am forgetful. Knowing what someone, including yourself, is like will tell you what you can expect from that person. (This was a huge realization for me, which I talk more about in part 4 of this article) "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them." —Ray Dalio Step 4: Design a Plan Think of your problems as a set of outcomes produced by the machine of reality. Learn about the rules of the machine and then change your inputs to change the outcome. Remember that there are often many paths to achieving your goals; you only need to find one that works. Step 5: Push Through to Completion On pushing through to completion, we need to remember to connect the dots between our tasks and our goals. If we lose sight of the why, we’ll lose sight of our goals. Good work habits and discipline are crucial here. You should be tracking your progress and ideally reporting your progress to someone. There are many successful people who aren’t good at execution. They succeed because they forge symbiotic relationships with highly reliable task-doers. Find People with Complementary Strengths to Help You Each step of the 5-Step Process requires different strengths. Most people might be good at 2 or 3 of the steps, but practically no one is good at all five. We can assign each step to the type of person who would be good at it: Set goals – Visionary, good at high-level thinking and prioritization Look for problems – Detective, good at perceiving and synthesis Find root causes – Logical Analyzer, good at logic Design solutions – Creative Architect, good at practicality and visualization Execute and track progress – Reliable Task Master, good at self-disciple and achieving results “Asking others who are strong in areas where you are weak to help you is a great skill that you should develop no matter what, as it will help you develop guardrails that will prevent you from doing what you shouldn't be doing." —Ray Dalio Lesson 8: Make Effective Decisions To make effective decisions, we need to Overcome the ego and blind spot barriers Seek out credible and open-minded people Remember the 80/20 Rule Navigate levels of a decision Make decisions as expected-value calculations Use principles to systematize decisions 1: Overcome the Ego and Blind Spot Barriers As mentioned earlier, we need to develop radical open-mindedness to overcome these two barriers. We can also train our conscious mind to recognize when our unconscious emotional mind is hijacking the brain and then respond consciously. 2: Seek out Credible and Open-Minded People It's worth re-emphasizing the importance of only listening to credible people. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is happy to share their opinion with you. Many people even share their opinion as if it were a fact. Don't mistake their opinions for facts. To review, credible people are those who have repeatedly accomplished something and have great explanations for how. "Some decisions you should make yourself and some you should delegate to someone more believable. Using self-knowledge to know which is the key to success—no matter what it is you are trying to do." —Ray Dalio 3: Remember the 80/20 Rule The 80/20 rule states that you get 80% of the value from 20% of the effort or information. Here are some examples (not from the book, but added here for context): 80% of profits come from 20% of customers 80% of results come from 20% of employees 80% of your productivity come from 20% of your habits Understanding the 80/20 rule helps you focus on what's important and saves you from wasting effort on unnecessary things. 4: Navigate Levels of a Decision Reality exists at different levels and each level gives you a different perspective. When we look on Google Maps, we can zoom out to see a city. That's a high-level view. We can also zoom in to see a specific street or building. That's a low level view. Similarly, when decisions also have a high and low level view. At the high level (big-picture level), we usually have our values and goals. At the low level (detail level), we have our day-to-day actions. Let's look at an example. Ray Dalio uses the terms above-the-line and below-the-line to establish which level a conversation is on. Above-the-line conversations address the high level goal, while below-the-line conversations address low level practical to-dos. When discussing with others to make a decision, the conversation should focus on the main points and only go into details when necessary to explain a main point. Otherwise, it's easy for the people to get off-track. When mentioning details, always connect them to the high-level big picture, otherwise, people easily get confused. All decisions across al levels should be consistent. For example, if your high level goal is to have a healthy life, your daily actions should be aligned to it. 5: Make Decisions as Expected-Value Calculations We cannot predict the future with 100% certainty. Therefore, we should view every decision we make as a bet, with a probability and reward for being right, and a probability and penalty for being wrong. To determine the expected value of a decision, we need to consider both the reward and the probability. For example, let's say the reward for being right is $100 and its probability is 60%, while the penalty for being wrong is also $100. What's the expected value? Expected Value = $100*60% - $100*40% = 60 - 40 = $20. A "winning" decision is one with a positive expected value (probability times reward is greater than probability times penalty). While we don't do these calculations explicitly, we are constantly making them intuitively. For example, you take an umbrella with you even if there's only a 40% chance to rain because the penalty for being wrong is high. We can also see that sometimes, it might make sense to go for something with a low probability of success if the reward is extremely high and the penalty is low. Ray Dalio gives an example of asking if a house was for sale even though he was highly sure it wasn't. Turns out, the seller was willing to sell to him. As the common saying goes, "It never hurts to ask." Some people tend to focus on the cons of everything and will resist doing anything with cons. That's an ineffective way to approach decisions. "The best choices are the ones that have more pros and cons, not those that don't have any cons at all." —Ray Dalio 6: Use Principles to Systematize Decisions Ray Dalio explains that principles are a way of simplifying and improving decision making. The idea is that whatever situation you are facing is probably not unique. When you realize this, it massively reduces the number of decisions you have to make. You realize that almost all "cases at hand" are just another "one of those". To use principles, you have to Slow down your thinking so you can note the criteria you are using to make your decision. Write the criteria down as a principle Assess your outcome Refine your principle for when the next similar situation arises Here's an example (not from the book, but provided for context): You have a conflict with your spouse, and you need to decide what to do next. If you don't know about principles, you might view every argument as a new situation, and you'd think about all the little details of that situation to decide if you should apologize or wait or do something else. If you do know about principles, then you would make a decision, record the outcome, and decide what to do the next time you have a conflict with your spouse. Maybe the first time, you just waited for your spouse to apologize. You recorded the result: It was painful and unproductive and led to more unhappiness. Then the next time, you apologized and focused on harmony. That led to a good result. You record down harmony as a good principle to follow for solving conflicts. Each time a new conflict arises, you can hone your principle. Maybe you add things like Resolve negative emotions before addressing logic Give praise before criticism Criticize action not character Give a specific recommendation about what action needs to change Then, whenever a new conflict arises, you just go back to your list of principles for great relationships. It becomes much easier and faster for you to deal with conflicts, and you get better and better at it. Q4: How have I applied this book in my life? As mentioned in Question 3, I learned a lot from this book; 8 big ideas to be exact, and I’ve tried to apply them all to my life. Implementing Lesson #1: Pain + Reflection = Progress. I used to hate pain. I still dislike it. But I’m working on embracing it more when it does happen to me. For example, I hate arguments. But when I was in one recently, I told myself, "Ok you're feeling emotional pain. That means something about your relationship can be improved. And you can use this event to improve your relationship. It's a chance for you to have better communication and understanding." To understand the other person better, I analyzed her using Myers-Brigg, and then I found out she is naturally very sensitive to criticism. Then I knew in the future to focus on what I want to see more of rather than what I don't want or like. If I didn't reflect on the pain, I may not have gotten that progress. Implementing Lesson #2: Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships. I like how simple this definition of success is, and I’m sure I will refer back to this concept when I want to explain what success is to others. My career goal used to be just make a lot of money in the corporate world. Now, I've changed to focus on contributing to making the world a better place, which is why I became a teacher, and also why I write blog articles. I also prioritize family and relationships more than career. These two things have definitely resulted in greater happiness for me. Implementing Lesson #3: The Conscious and Subconscious Minds There are three parts to this lesson: Overcoming amygdala hijacking Connecting to the subconscious Creating productive habits During arguments and conflict, I realize I unconsciously start to frown and the corners of my mouth get tense. That's my amygdala at work, and I can consciously tell myself, "Remember, harmony comes first. People don't care about logic until they feel emotionally soothed." I'm still working on it, but I'm certainly improved compared to before I learned about amygdala hijacking. A relatively new habit I've developed is meditation. My cue is I do it first thing in the morning. The key for me was to do it for a few hours; only then did I feel some actual benefits and peace (a reward). After that, I was willing to meditate daily for 30 minutes. I've also found that I indeed do get creative ideas and inspiration randomly when my mind is calm. Implementing Lesson #4: Overcome the Two Barriers to Success Viewing the ego barrier as a biological programming was very insightful because it explains why it’s so hard to control or defeat our ego. Same goes for the blind spot barrier. It was hard for me to see myself objectively, especially my weaknesses, until I decided to take the Myers-Brigg test (as recommended by the author) seriously and also to analyze people I knew using it. Then I noticed that objectively, I’m different from others and I have different strengths and weaknesses from others, and those differences are why I have certain types of conflicts with certain types of people. It’s not about good or bad or right or wrong; it’s about first understanding each other so that we can then fully appreciate and make use of each other’s differences. Being radically open-minded is not a new idea to me since I previously learned from ancient Chinese philosophy that humility is the most important virtue. But it's very reassuring to hear the same advice from someone like Ray Dalio, who puts a very modern and business example to back up the claim. I've also used some further resources to train myself to have open-minded discussions without making succumbing to the primitive brain: Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman The Philosophy of Water by Raymond Tang While I'm still far from perfect, I've found that indeed I have improved with practice. Implementing Lesson #5: Make Believability-Weighted Decisions This lesson was a big one for me. I often go to my friends for advice, and they often have the same knowledge level or even less than me for my problem, so getting their advice actually wasn't helpful. I now realize that I need to ask people who are actually knowledgeable on the topic. On a related point, my family members and friends will often just give their advice to me, sometimes stating opinions as if it were fact. I've now learned to only take the opinions of credible people seriously. This has reduced my stress and improved my decision-making ability. Implementing Lesson #6: People Have Different Strengths and Weaknesses This one is a fun one for me because I discovered that people really are categorize-able and predictable once you understand them well enough. The three tools I use right now are Myers-Briggs: This tells me A LOT about their personality, such as how they think, how they prefer to work, how and they act in social situations. Four Tendencies: This tells me how they respond to expectations, which is a huge part of relationships and life, and how to work harmoniously with them. Values: This tells me what's important to that person. When combined with their personality, I can predict their behavior. I’ve made “baseball cards” (as the author calls them) for myself and others. These cards are basically a high-level bullet points of the person’s values, tendency, Myers-Brigg profile, natural strengths, and natural weaknesses. I find that these baseball cards help me see people more objectively rather than see my projection of what I think they are or should be. I can also predict people's performance on certain tasks and their behavior in certain situations. In the above example, I can predict that this person will thrive in a job that requires relationship-building skills, but he needs a good support person because he gets stressed easily. I can also predict that this person has fun hobbies and will probably suggest fun activities for us to do together. In terms of overcoming weaknesses, the book mentioned we can either work on them ourselves or find others to help. One of my big ones is emotional intelligence. It's a very important ability that I can't really count on others to cover up for me, so I've put in the work to develop that ability. Another weakness is creativity, and this is actually one that I can ask for help from friends from, so I often call on my creative friends if I need help brainstorming. Implementing Lesson #7: The 5-Step Process to Success. I didn’t think the 5-Step Process was very helpful at first glance because it just seemed like an observation of life. But as I looked deeper into it, I realized how each step needs different abilities, and that was the big "Aha" moment for me. I (and everyone) is only good at maybe 2 or 3 of the steps, and no one is good at all 5. That’s why we all need to find people who have complementary strengths. That was something I’ve never thought about doing before; I always felt like I can do everything myself, and while that might be true, it’s certainly not the most effective. As mentioned previously, I've done the work to understand the strengths and weaknesses of myself and my close friends. I know that I’m personally strong at analyzing problems and executing, and I’m weak at visualizing possibilities and designing creative solutions. Fortunately, I have friends who are strong in those areas, so I will often call on them for help. Implementing Lesson #8: Make Effective Decisions For review, there are six aspects to making effective decisions: Overcome the ego and blind spot barriers Seek out credible and open-minded people Remember the 80/20 Rule Navigate levels of a decision Make decisions as expected-value calculations Use principles to systematize decisions Earlier, I talked about practicing open-mindedness and making believability weighted decisions. 80/20 Rule When it comes to the 80/20 Rule, I've learned to always look for the most important things to do rather than treating everything as equally important. For example, in my daily life, I've realized that 80% of my life's results come from 20% of my daily routines: study and meditation. Therefore, I will always complete those two activities, whereas the other 80% can vary day-to-day. Levels of a Decisions For navigating levels of a decisions, I find that this idea is very similar to the premise of the book Start with Why by Simon Sinek, which is to always start with the big idea and then connect the smaller details to it. Fortunately, this one comes pretty naturally to me as I’m always focused on why I’m doing something, and I make sure to do things that are aligned with my values or goals. I did find the terms “above-the-line” and “below-the-line” to be helpful when analyzing if a conversation is being productive or not. I now know that some people naturally lean towards talking above-the-line while others (including me) lean towards talking below-the-line, and I need always connect the dots. Expected-Value Calculations For making decisions as expected-value calculations, this was helpful for me to not look for options with zero downsides because such options don't exist. As Ray Dalio said, every option has pros and cons, but a good option has a positive expected value. That idea has helped me make tough decisions like doing a career change. And if things don't go as planned, then it's a cue to reflect and make progress. Principles Lastly, when it comes to using principles to make decisions, I've discovered one big principle: The root of everything is your character. Your character determines your thoughts, which determines your actions, which determine your results. As Ray Dalio explained, root causes are adjectives. Proximal causes are verbs. If you missed the train, you might think the reason is because you forgot to check the time. But "forget" is a verb. That's a proximal cause. The root cause is that you are "forgetful". Similarly, in relationships, if I have a conflict with someone, I used to always focus on the logic and the matters. Now, I know the root is my character: I need to be more caring and humble. Or perhaps I messed up a task. I used to think about how I'd do the task differently next time. But that's not fixing the root. The root would be I need to become a more careful person. I currently use a list of principles for interacting with people and activities in life from the book Guide to A Happy Life, which has improved my life greatly. Here are some examples of principles from that book: Respect: First treat your parents well because we owe the most gratitude to our parents. If you don't love and respect your parents, then it is impossible to truly love and respect anyone else. Carefulness: Do everything carefully, especially the small things. How you do anything is how you do everything. Carefulness: Enjoy virtuous influences (people, media, books, etc.) and avoid negative ones. Appropriateness: Don't be excessive when it comes to food (or anything else). Trustworthiness: Whatever I speak, trustworthiness comes first. We speak to benefit the other person, not because we feel like speaking. Humility: Be appreciative when hearing criticism and cautious when hearing praise. Humility: With free time, study good literature and improve your virtues. Love: Accumulate gratitude in your heart and throw away complaints. Love: Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish. Love: What is good for others, I will provide. What makes others unhappy, I will remove. I've found that usually, whatever problem I encounter in life, I can find relevant principles from this book to solve it. Conclusion I am extremely grateful to Ray Dalio for sharing his wisdom in this book and setting a good example for us to learn from. Image Source His lessons have helped me improve my productivity, decision-making ability, and relationships. I hope this summary article has been able to pass on some of those benefits to you as well.

作为一名老师，我也想帮助学生们提高他们的学习能力，使得他们不仅仅在学校里得到提高，并且在生活中也一样，能够活到老学到老。以我自己的经验而言，学校仅仅教我们学什么，而不教我们如何学习。 我从Jim Kwik，一位世界闻名的大脑教练，学了很多关如何学习的知识。我读了他的书《Limitless》，听过他的播客《Kwik Brain》，也曾上过他关于记忆和阅读能力的课。我希望这篇文章将帮助学生们提高学习能力！ 这篇文章会回答一些学生们的常见问题。你可以点击如下的每一个链接来跳转，或是按序阅读。 如何取得高分？ 如何停止拖延，去完成作业呢？ 如何才能学得更好，考得更高？ 如何记好笔记？ 如何快速阅读并且理解的更多？ 如何提高网课时的专注度？ 如何在考前或是演讲前减少紧张情绪？ 如何取得高分？ 曾经有一个学生发邮件问我： “我想知道我如何才能取得90分以上的成绩，有哪些地方是我需要注重的？” 我感到很惊讶，因为到目前为止，这个学生上课并不认真。 起初，我想告诉他完成作业很重要，应当每天复习，提交作业的草稿，等等。后来，我停下了。我意识到我以前这样告诉过别的学生，但并不奏效。我想起了《Principle》的教诲：问题的根源常常来源于人的品德。换句话说，如果一个学生考试成绩不理想，问题的根源并不是他没好好学习，而是他本人对事情不够谨慎，不够尊敬。 所以我重写了回复： “如果你想在学校（或生活）得到成就，最重要的是培养恭敬心。如果你尊重课堂和知识，你自然会做得很好。恭敬心意味着认真对待，对每一件事情都小心谨慎。就像你希望医生尊重你，恭敬对待你。如果你不觉得医生尊重你，你必然不会想让医生为你做手术。 目前我们没有任何即将截至的作业，但是基于目前我所见的，你可以通过两个简单的方式来改善你的恭敬心。首先在课堂上展现你的脸，并参与到课堂中。如果学生在网课时不露脸，他们容易偷懒，还可能忙着做别的事，例如玩游戏或是看视频，这也是为什么每当我叫他们，他们不回应我的原因。显然，缺乏恭敬心会导致他们学无所成。 第二点是带着恭敬心做作业。那意味着慢慢来，并仔细地回答问题。那些仓促地做作业或是抄袭答案的学生不尊重学习，所以他们不会学到任何东西。随后，在课堂中被问到自己写的作业时，他们什么都不记得。有恭敬心的学生书写整齐，他们整理笔记，附加颜色和下划线。他们经常提问。这些学生常常在课堂中出类拔萃。 说回关于医生的例子，你肯定不想你的医生在为你做手术时玩游戏或是分心。所有我的那些曾得到90分以上的学生都怀有恭敬心。” 如何停止拖延，去完成作业呢？ 不要等到你有心情时再去做事情。你永远不会开始。从你能做的最小的事情开始。行动创造动力，Jim 称之为“最简单的行动”。 最简单的行动定义是：“你可以采取的，能接近目标的最小的行动。” 比如说，如果你的目标是阅读一本书的章节，那么最简单的行动可能就仅仅是坐下来。在你坐下来后，下一个最简单的行动就是打开书。然后下一个最简单的行动就是读第一句话。就这么简单。 你可能在想，这真的会有用吗？答案是———是的！因为未完成的任务在你的脑海里造成了紧张的情绪，直到这些任务已经完成。这叫做蔡加尼科反应。 比如你看一个视频看到一半，然后突然接到了一个电话，在你和对方说话时你想的是赶紧回去把视频看完。那么，如果你才刚开始做作业，你会想完成它，这样才会停止想它。用另一句话说，开始做它会让你有心情去做。 另外可以记得：好的东西还没开始会觉得难，开始做就没想象的那么难，做完后反而感觉非常好。不好的东西，做的时候庭享受，做完就感觉不太好了。我们不要做短期享受的奴隶，要做有毅力的主人。 如何才能学得更好，考得更高？ 在《Limitless》中，Jim Kwik 提到了六个学习策略。我认为前三个是最重要的。 第一：专注于主动回忆，而不是被动理解。 很多人用被动理解来学习，那很简单，只需要看自己的笔记并确认多少是记得的。当浏览时，你可能会告诉自己：“嗯，我看过记过，没问题。”然后当你需要运用到那个知识时，那会变得难以回想起。 培养主动回忆，第一点是学习一些知识，合上你的书，然后主动说出或者写下任何你回想起来的部分。同样你也可以和别人合作。如果你不能通过不看笔记来会想起一些知识点，那么你的备考工作很可能还没有完成。 第二：使用间隔重复的方法，而不是死记硬背。 你可能已经知道了，死记硬背很累并且会造成短时记忆，很大概率在考前忘记几乎所有的内容。Kwik 建议考前在早晨时复习一遍，然后在晚饭前再复习一遍，连续四天。每次我们复习一次，我们容易记得开头和最后看到的内容，间隔重复的方法给我们更多开头和结束，就自然容易记得更多内容。 第三：在学习前进入一个专注和热情的心理状态。 最简单的就是在学习重要知识前端坐。 我们也可以记得我们是多么幸运能学习，用感恩的心态来学习。如果我们无精打采，我们不会取得一个好的结果。 第四：利用嗅觉。 嗅觉能引起回忆，你可以在学习时把香水喷在你的手腕上，在考试时候闻一下，说不定能引起你的回忆。 第五：利用音乐使得学习更加轻松。 他特别推荐巴洛克式的音乐，因为它稳定你的情绪来帮助高度专注。它能帮助你背单词，记忆知识点和高效阅读。这类的音乐通常每分钟有50-80次的节拍。 第六：摘有效的笔记。 那将引出下一个问题。 如何记好笔记？ 首先你要清楚为什么要做笔记？比如，你在课堂上做的笔记可能会比你在阅读时做的笔记更简略。 尽量使用自己的话，避免摘录教科书中或是讲述人口中的原话。如此，你在真正地处理你得到的信息。 作为一名老师，我注意到一些学生在作业中直接复制一些阅读中的原句。那告诉我要么他们仓促完成作业而懒得花时间使用自己的话回答问题，或是他们不理解阅读材料，所以才从原文中复制。无论如何，这些学生常常考试成绩不理想。所以确保你花足够的时间在使用你自己的话回答问题（或是书本里的内容）。 你应当使用一种记笔记的方法，例如捕捉创建法，思维导图或是康奈尔。 捕捉创建法 在笔记的左侧，捕捉到发言人所说的事情。在右侧，通过回答问题比如我如何使用这个来创建你自己的笔记。为什么比如使用这个？什么时候使用这个？如下是一个例子： 注意笔记不仅仅是逐字记录发言人说的，这可能定义并解释了每一个领导特质。笔记非常有用因为他们定义了这些笔记将如何被使用。 思维导图 这个方法适于组织大的想法。在中心捕捉主要想法。然后在它的周围写下分支观点。你同样可以使用颜色和符号来帮你更好地记忆。这是一个思维导图笔记的例子： 思维导图法适用于记快速和高级的笔记。 康奈尔法 康奈尔法适用于详细的笔记，你可以用它来复习考试。它有三个区域。左侧的部分很小，你可以写下一些问题或是线索。底端部分同样很小，用于写总结。而右上部分很大，作为记正常笔记的区域。 这是一个康奈尔式的笔记例子： 康奈尔法非常适合于课堂和阅读，你可以用它来复习考试。复习时把右边盖住，看左边的题目试试能不能直接说出来答案。说不出来就说明需要复习右边的内容。 如何提高阅读速度？ Jim Kwik 提出了一些有关提高阅读速度的建议： 使用手指或者笔来追踪你正在阅读的部分 一次仅阅读20分钟，然后休息5分钟。你将轻松记住你在开始和结束时所阅读的内容。 直视页面，不要斜着看。例如将课本放在你的面前，不是放在桌子上。这将减少眼睛疲劳。 第一条建议是最重要的。当你使用一个追踪器的时候，你的目光是集中的，所以你不会走神而浪费时间再次阅读。同样你也可以更快的移动手指或者笔来加快你的阅读速度。 对于第二条建议，你应当找到适合你的方法。如果过了二十分钟后，你感到精神高度集中，你可以继续保持这个状态至60分钟。但是过了一段时间后，适当休息来保持精力充沛是至关重要的。 他也提出了两个有关提高阅读理解能力的小技巧： 不要仅仅阅读。写下一些你想从阅读中获得答案的问题。 和别人讨论你所阅读的，并讲解。 老师让你在课堂上回答问题是有原因的！这能够帮助你在阅读一些重要的信息的时候集中注意力。如果你没有问题，你也得不到答案。 和同学讨论你学到的知识甚至是教他们是最有效的理解方法。因为当你在教别人时，你需要将知识转化成自己的话。教学也能帮助记忆因为当你教别人时，你将再次学习。如果你没有人可以讨论，你可以向植物，动物甚至你的桌子说。那也同样可以提高你的记忆。 如何在网课时提高专注度？ 以下是三个建议： 明确为什么上课对自己来说很重要 避免任何可能干扰到你的事物 有一个固定的地方用来上网课 很多学生不认真对待网课因为他们不知道为什么他们需要上课。如果你有充足的理由来上课，那你自然你会全神贯注。将你的梦想和你在课堂上的成就联系在一起。比如，你希望你的家庭以你为傲，或是你想进入梦想的大学。那么为了能实现这个目标，你现在能做些什么呢？答案是：投入到课堂学习中。 如果你没有一个坚定的未来目标，那么你可以想想能够上学是一件多么幸运的事情。想一想那些为你能得到这个机会而努力工作的人，像你的父母，老师，和学校职工们。想一想如何为这些人报恩，你拥有一个能使得自己生活变得更好的机会。至少我们可以通过在课堂中认真听讲来报答他们的努力。 当你有一个强有力的理由后，你需要避免那些任何能干扰到你的事物。那意味着关掉任何社交媒体，视频，或是在手机和电脑上的游戏。如果你连一个小时都无法坚持，那么你无法掌握你的人生。 第三，你应该在家里面选择一个特定的地方来上网课，你可以选择一张特定的桌子甚至是椅子，仅用来上课和做作业。不作其他用处。不要在你看视频，吃饭，玩游戏和睡觉的地方做作业。否则，当你坐下时，你会开始看视频，吃东西，玩游戏，睡觉而不是想学习。将做这些事情的地方分开。同样的道理，你甚至可以在网课时穿特定的衣服，然后在不上课的时候穿其他的衣服。 如何在考前或演讲前减少紧张情绪？ 最简单的方法是控制你的呼吸。当你感到紧张时，你会自然开始浅呼吸和弯腰。 镇定下来，坐直，用鼻子呼吸四秒，然后用嘴呼气保持四秒以上。在做这些动作时专注于你的呼吸。重复十次。你应该感到更镇定了。如果你感到不够镇定，那么再做十次。

As a teacher, I try to help my students improve their learning skills so that they will do better not just in school, but also in life because I believe in life-long learning. In my experience, school teaches us what to learn, but it doesn't teach us how to learn. I've invested a lot of resources into learning how to learn, and in this article, I share the highlights. Most of what I've learned is from Jim Kwik, a world-renowned brain coach. I've read his book Limitless, listened to his podcast Kwik Brain, and taken his classes on memory and speed reading. I hope this article will help you improve your learning abilities! This article will answer some common questions from students. You can click on each one to jump there, or just read them in order. How can I get a high grade? How can I stop procrastinating and go do that assignment or homework? How can I study better and do better on tests? How can I take better notes? How can I more easily remember all the things I learn? How can I read faster and understand more of what I read? How can I improve my focus in online classes? How can I reduce my nervousness before a test or presentation? How can I get a high grade? I once had a student email me and ask "I want to know how I can get more than 90 points. Is there anything I should pay attention to?" I was surprised because this student didn't seem to care much about the course in the few classes we've had so far. At first, I was going to tell him it's important to do the homework, to review daily, to submit rough drafts of assignments, but then I stopped. I've told that advice to students before and it doesn't seem to help. I remembered something I learned from the book Principles, which is that the root of problems always lies in people's character. In other words, if a student gets a low score on a test, the root problem isn't that they didn't study well. The root problem is that they are not studious. They are not respectful. So I re-wrote my response: "The most important thing to getting a high score in school (and succeed in life) is respect. If you deeply respect the class and the knowledge, you will naturally do great. Respect means you take it very seriously and do everything carefully. It's like how you want your doctor to respect you. If you don't think the doctor respects you, you wouldn't want the doctor to cut you open and do surgery on you. We haven't had any assignments due yet, but based on what I've seen so far, you can improve your respect in two simple ways. First is to show your face and be engaged in class. Students who don't show their face in class are usually busy doing other things like playing games or watching videos, which is why when I call on them, they don't reply me. Obviously, this lack of respect will result in them not learning anything. Second is to do the homework with respect. That means doing it slowly and answering the questions thoroughly. Students who rush through the homework or copy and paste answers don't respect the learning, so they don't learn anything. Later, when asked about the homework in class, these students don't remember anything. Respectful students write their words neatly. They organize their notes. They add color and underline. They ask questions. These students do great in the course. To go back to the doctor analogy, you would not want your doctor to be playing games or be distracted while doing surgery on you. All past students who have gotten 90+ in my courses had high respect." How can I stop procrastinating and go do that assignment or homework? Don't wait until you feel in the mood to do something. You'll never start. Just take the smallest action you can to start. Action creates motivation. Jim calls it Small Simple Steps. A small simple step is “the tiniest action you can take to get you closer to your goal.” For example, if your task is to read a textbook chapter, the small simple step might be to just sit down. That’s it. After you sit down, the next small simple step is to open the textbook. That’s it. Then the next small simple step is to read the first sentence. That's it. You might be wondering, is that really going to help? The answer is yes because uncompleted tasks create tension at the front of our minds until the task is completed. That's called The Zeigarnik Effect. For example, if you’re in the middle of watching a video, and then suddenly get a phone call, during the whole time you're talking to the person, you just want to go back and finish that video. Well, if you just start that homework, you'll want to finish it so that you can stop thinking about it. In other words, starting it puts you in the mood to do it. Also remember: Good things usually feel difficult before we start, not so bad after we start, and great after we finish. Bad things usually feel great while we do it, but after the pleasure comes feelings of low or guilt. We don't want to live life as a slave to temporary pleasure; we want to be masters of our own lives. How can I study better and do better on tests? In Limitless, Jim Kwik gives six major tactics, of which I think the first two are the most critical. First is to focus on active recall rather than passive recognition. Many people study using passive recognition, which is simply looking at your notes and seeing how much you recognize. When reviewing, you might think to yourself, “Yup, know that, seen that, remember that, got it.” And yet when it comes time to use that knowledge, it becomes hard to remember it. To employ active recall, first study something, then close your book and actively say or write down what you remember. You can also do this with a study partner. If you can't recall the information without looking at your notes, then you're probably not ready for the test. Second is to do spaced repetition instead of cramming. As you might already know, cramming is stressful and the result is that while you might remember the information for the test the next day, after the test you’ll probably forget almost everything. Kwik recommends reviewing once in the morning and again before dinner for four days in a row before a big evaluation. Third is to get in a focused and enthusiastic mental state before studying. Often that can be as simple as sitting in a posture as if you’re about to learn the most important information of your life. If we slouch and are tired, we’re not going to get good results. Fourth is to use your sense of smell. Since smell brings back memories, you can put a certain perfume or cologne on your wrist while studying, then smell that smell during the test to help bring back memories. Fifth is to use music to put you into a state that makes learning easier. He specifically recommends baroque music because it stabilizes the mind to help you reach deep concentration and focus. As a result, it helps you learn vocabulary, memorize facts, and read more effectively. This type of music tends to have 50–80 beats per minute. He recommends simply searching for a baroque playlist on any music streaming service you use, such as Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Music. Sixth is take effective notes. That brings us to the next question. How can I take better notes? First be clear on WHY you are taking notes. For example, the notes you take in a class might be less detailed than the notes you during your textbook reading. Second, use your own words as much as possible instead of copying word for word from the textbook or speaker. This way, you’re actually processing what you read. I can't emphasize this enough. As a teacher, I notice some students just copy from the readings word-for-word. That tells me either they are just rushing to finish the homework as fast as possible so they can't be bothered to spend the time to translate it into their own words, or they really don't understand what they're reading so they're just copying the wording. Either way, these students tend to do poorly on tests. So make sure you spend that extra time to translate the textbook into your own words. Third, you should use a note-taking method, such as Capture-Create, Mind Map, or Cornell. Capture-Create On the left side of your notebook page, capture things that the speaker said. On the right side, create your own notes by answering questions like How can I use this? Why must it use this? When will I use this? Below is an example. Notice that the notes aren’t just transcribing word for word what the speaker said, which is probably defining and explaining each of the leadership traits. The notes are useful because they identify how those notes are going to be used. The Capture-Create method is great for taking notes in class. Mind Map This method is great for organizing big ideas. Capture the main idea in the middle. Then put sub-ideas around it through branches. You can also use color and symbols to help you remember things better. Here is an example of mind map notes: Image Source The Mind Map method is great for taking quick, high-level notes. Cornell Method The Cornell Method is best for taking detailed notes that you can use as study sheets for tests. You need three sections. The left section is small, and you write down questions or cues. The bottom section is small, and you write a summary there. The upper right section is big, and you take your notes as normal there. Here is an example of Cornell-styled notes: Image Source The Cornell method is great for taking notes in class and for taking notes from readings, which you can then study later before a test. How can I more easily remember all the things I learn? Studies show we forget up to 80% of what we learn within 48 hours if we don't review. That's why it's so important to take notes and review your notes! You should review your notes after 1 hour, 1 day, and 1 week. That should be enough to help you remember what you learned for a test. Aside from taking good notes, Jim Kwik gives the following tools to improve memory: MOM (Motivation, Observation, Method) Turn words into pictures (visualization) Linking new information to old information (association) Add emotion Creating a story to link a sequence of words Use the loci story method Memory Tool 1: MOM (motivation, observation, and method) Motivation simply means having a strong purpose to remember something. For example, if I give you a list of 10 words and told you, “If you can repeat this list to be in order in one hour, I’ll give you 1 million dollars,” you’d probably be able to remember that list in one hour. So we need a strong reason to remember. Observation basically means being present and focused. If the teacher tells you something important, but you're looking at your phone and thinking about your lunch, then you’re not likely to even hear that information, let alone remember it. 80% of your success in learning comes from motivation and observation. 20% comes from methods. Methods are all the tactics explained in the following paragraphs. Memory Tool 2: Visualization Linking words to images is a powerful way to remember something once and for good. Let's say you need to learn the word adaptable. One way is to just keep repeating the definition to yourself, "Adaptable means being able to change with the situation." After you repeat it enough times, you will eventually remember it. It's a slow method. A better way is to turn the word and the definition into a picture. Follow these three steps: Turn the pronunciation of the word into a picture (pretend you're playing Pictionary) Turn the meaning of the word into a picture Link the two pictures together. Make it vivid, weird, extraordinary. Let's use the word "adaptable" as an example again. What does "adaptable" sound like? It kind of sounds like a tap dancing table. You can turn it to an image by imaging a tap dancing table. Then turn the meaning into a picture. You can imagine that there's music and the music keeps changing, and the table is able to change it's dance style according to the music. This is a weird image, which makes it much easier to remember. Memory Tool 3: Association Linking new information to old information is key to memory and we’ve been doing it all our lives. For example, if you think of the word “cherry”, you might think red, sweet, fruit, pie, etc. That’s how you remembered the word. Continuing the example of the word adaptable, you can imagine a chameleon on the tap dancing table. Then you remember, "A tap dancing table sounds like a-dap-table". There's a chameleon on it, so the word means "being able to change with the situation." Memory Tool 4: Add Emotion Information by itself is hard to remember, but when you add emotion to it, it becomes much easier to remember. We can add feelings of humor, adventure, or excitement. To continue the above example of the word adaptable, you can imagine the table tap dancing to your favorite song, which creates feelings of humor and enjoyment. Check out this article for more advice on memorizing vocabulary. Memory Tool 5: Create a Story If you need to memorize a sequence of words for some reason (e.g., the Periodic Table elements for a science test), you can link the words together by creating a story. Most people just use rote learning, that is they’ll say “Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium…” over and over again until the brain finally remembers it. This type of learning is inefficient. Kwik gives a story example: Imagine you’re standing next to a giant fire hydrant. Then you attach a bunch of balloons to the fire hydrant. The balloons somehow take the hydrant off the ground so that it flies high up in the sky. Suddenly it starts raining batteries and the balloons pop. He goes on and on with the story for about 10 events, each event representing an element of the periodic table. He then explains the first event, hydrant, represent hydrogen. The second event, balloons, represents helium. The third event, batteries, represent lithium, etc. Notice that the story uses visualization, association, and emotion. Since the story is so vibrant, it’s easy to remember the story, and since you linked each major event to a word, it’s easy to remember the sequence that you have to memorize. Check out this article for the full example on creating a story to memorize a list of facts. Memory Tool 6: The Loci Method The loci story method is basically the story method with one additional feature: Your story involves you going through different parts of a setting (such as a house), and each setting has one object that represents something in the list your trying to memorize. The benefit of this method is that you don’t have to come up with a new story every time. You just use the same story, except you change the items in each setting. For example, you can imagine a big mansion with 10 rooms, and during the story you walk through all 10 rooms. In each room you find a different object, which you can change to suit the list you’re trying to memorize. Again, you have to make the story vibrant by using visualization, association, and emotion. How can I read faster and understand more of what I read? Jim Kwik gives the following advice to improve reading speed: Use a finger or pen as a tracker on the page so you don’t get lost while reading Read for only 20 minutes at a time, and then take a 5-minute break. You will easily remember what you read at the beginning and at the end. Look at the page directly rather than slanted. For example, put the textbook directly in front your eyes rather than flat on the table. This reduces eye strain. The first tip is the most important one. When you use a tracker, your eyes are focused so you won't get lost and the page and waste time re-reading things. You can also move your finger or pen faster and faster to increase your reading speed. For the second tip, you should figure out what works for you. If after 20 minutes, you feel really focused, you can keep going for even up to 60 minutes. But after a while, it's important to take a quick break to keep your energy up. He also gives two tips for improving reading comprehension: Don't just start reading. Write down the questions you want answered from the reading. Talk to somebody about what you read. Teach it. There's a reason why the teacher gives you questions to answer! It's to help you focus when you're reading so that you take away the most important information. If you have no questions, you'll get no answers. Talking to a classmate about what you learned and even teaching it to them is probably the most effective way to make sure you understand it because when you have to teach something, you have to personalize the information and make it your own. Teaching also helps you remember because when you teach something, YOU get to learn it twice. If you don't have anyone you can talk to, then talk to a plant or animal or even your table. That will also improve your memory. How can I increase my focus in online classes? There are three things you need to do: Be super clear on why being in class is important to you specifically. Remove distractions. Have a specific place just for school. A lot of students don't take class seriously because they don't know why they have to be in class. If you have a strong reason for being in class, then you will naturally focus. Connect your future dreams to you succeeding in this class. For example, you might want to make your family proud, or you might want to get into that dream university. Well, what can you do right now towards that goal? Get the most out of this class. If you don't have a strong future goal, then you can think about how fortunate you are to get to go to school. Think about all the people working hard for you so that you get this opportunity, such as your parents, teachers, and school staff. Think about how thanks to these people, you get an opportunity to have a better life than they had. The least we can do to repay their gratitude is to focus during these short class hours. After you have a strong reason for focusing in class, you need to remove distractions. That means closing any social media, videos, or games on your phone and computer. If you can't go even an hour without looking at these things, then you are not the master of your life; those things are. Third, you should pick a specific place in your home just for school. You can pick a specific table or even a specific chair just for attending class and doing school work. Nothing else. Don't do school work where you watch videos or play games or sleep or eat. Otherwise, when you sit down there, you're going to want watch videos or play games or sleep or eat. Have a separate place for those things. On a similar note, you can even wear specific clothes for school, and then change out of those clothes when not doing school work. How can I reduce my nervousness before a test or presentation? The simplest way is to control your breathing. When you get nervous, you naturally start breathing shallowly and you start to hunch over. To calm down, sit up straight, breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, then breath out through your mouth for longer than 4 seconds. Really focus on your breath while you're doing it. Repeat 10 times. You should feel calmer already. If you don't feel calm enough, then repeat another 10 times or until you feel calm. Further Resources Limitless book summary Kwik Learning Memory Course Summary How to motivate yourself How to remember vocabulary and spelling How to remember facts How to manage stress effectively

The World Health Organization calls stress the health epidemic of the twenty-first century. Most people can probably relate. Stress resistance isn't a nice-to-have, it's a must have. Doctor Rangan Chaterjee explains that poor stress management will lead to illness over the long-term. “As a GP (General Practitioner), about 80% of what I see on any given day is in some way related to stress.” –Dr. Rangan Chaterjee Dr. Chaterjee then gives many examples of problems from his patients, such as anxiety, fatigue, insomnia, poor memory, inability to focus, poor digestion, obesity, and high blood pressure. He states that all of these seemingly separate issues have stress as a root driver. Stress is not just a problem for individuals either, it's also a big problem for organizations and society. According to a 2019 Harvard Business Review article, "Workplace stress is estimated to cost the U.S. economy more than $500 billion dollars, and, each year, 550 million work days are lost due to stress on the job. Another study by the APA claims that burned-out employees are 2.6 times as likely to be actively seeking a different job, 63% more likely to take a sick day, and 23% more likely to visit the emergency room." The big question is: How can we manage our stress better and be more stress-resistant? This article will explain seven habits of stress resistant people: They eat healthily They exercise consistently They sleep well They reframe stress stories They meditate They nurture relationships They connect to a strong purpose (You can click on any one to jump to that section) Image Source: Unsplash Stress comes from three sources: physical, mental, and spiritual. Physical stress occurs when we treat our bodies poorly. Mental stress comes from the way we think. Spiritual stress comes from a lack of connection and purpose. The 7 habits mentioned above address stress from all three sources. Habits 1 to 3 manages stress physically. Habits 4 and 5 approaches stress mentally. Habits 6 and 7 overcomes stress spiritually. The more of these habits you can implement in your own life, the better your stress management will be. Habit 1: Eat Healthily Healthy eating has two parts: first avoiding unhealthy food, and second, eating healthy food. Most people know what healthy foods are, but many are unaware of unhealthy foods to avoid, which is why I wrote a lesson on Healthy Eating 101. The common diet nowadays is no longer healthy. In the past, people ate mostly home-cooked whole foods, but thanks to the industrial revolution, people now eat lots of processed foods that are made in factories. Examples include frozen meals boxed foods like cereals and pizzas wrapped foods like bread, pastries, candy reconstituted meats lie sausages, nuggets, and fish fingers sodas and other sweetened drinks canned foods fast food Image Source These super processed foods have added sugar and salt, artificial ingredients, refined carbohydrates, and trans fats. As a result, they taste great, but they increase inflammation in the body, and inflammation is basically stress for the body. Eating processed food feels good temporarily but makes your body feel bad and low-energy afterwards. The solution? Eat more natural foods in their whole forms. Vegetables and fruits in their whole form (not processed) reduce inflammation and heal the body from stress! For example, eat raw or steamed vegetables instead of canned vegetable soup. Eat real fruit instead of candy bars and chocolate. Cook your own dinner from raw ingredients instead of microwaving a packaged dinner. (Just look at how supportive and encouraging those fruits are!) The Elimination Diet Dr. Daniel Amen is perhaps America's best known brain doctor, and he gives an even more extreme example of the impact of food on our stress and mental health in this interview. Basically, one of his patients was having suicidal thoughts, and therapy was not working. Hence, Dr. Amen told this person to try the elimination diet for three weeks. The elimination diet is when we remove all possible troublemaker foods for 2-3 weeks, then slowly re-introduce the foods one at a time for 2-3 days at a time. Troublemaker foods include gluten (bread), dairy, processed sugar (like candy, but not fruit), corn, soy, eggs, artificial coloring, and preservatives. These things are all extremely common in highly processed foods. Three weeks later, the patient came back and told Dr. Amen he was feeling dramatically better. Then they added the food items back one at a time. Nothing happened with gluten. Nothing happened with dairy. But when the patient ate something with corn, he had suicidal thoughts within 20 minutes. So Dr. Amen told him to stop eating corn, and the patient's depression has not come back since. While your situation may not be as extreme as that patient, the example highlights how much food affects our mental health. The troublemaker foods mention in the elimination diet are so common in modern society now that most of us don't know what we would feel like if we didn't eat them. If you feel stressed all the time or struggle with mental health, it's highly worth the effort to experiment with the elimination diet. Habit 2: Exercise Consistently We all know exercise is good for us. But many of us think we need to work out for 30 minutes a day or 3 hours a week to get any benefits. While it would be great if you could do that, the reality is that most people feel like don’t have that much time or motivation. Here’s the great news: Even 5-7 minutes of exercise a day can have tremendous benefits! In his book, Feel Better in 5, Dr. Rangan Chaterjee gives many 5-minute workout routines involving simple exercises like push-ups, lunges, squats, and yoga. Here is an example of a 5-minute exercise video that you can do it your kitchen without changing your clothes or getting any special equipment: There’s also a famous program called the 7-minute workout, which you can easily find videos on YouTube for. Image Source Exercise also helps us improve our sleep, which brings us to the next habit. Habit 3: Sleep Well Image Source: Unsplash Getting enough quality sleep is key to restoring our body’s energy and emotional wellbeing. Dr. Chaterjee explains that sleep is like the garbage man taking out the accumulated garbage in our brain and body. When we lack sleep, our emotional part of the brain (amygdala) goes into overdrive and the logical part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) diminishes. That's why we become more emotionally reactive and unable to concentrate if we lack sleep. You can find lots of sleep tips in my Sleep 101 lesson, but here, I will pick seven of the most impactful ones. Tip 1: Avoid blue light and use night shift mode. Blue light keeps us awake and reduces the quality of our sleep. We also get stimulated from the activities we do on our devices, so we should stop using our devices 60 minutes before sleep. If you really have to use your device, then at least install a blue light blocker app like f.lux. Image Source As we can see in the picture, night shift mode removes the blue light from the screen. Although this might feel weird at first, your eyes will quickly get used to it, and you will thank yourself later when you are able to fall asleep easier. Tip 2: Sleep at the right time According to both western scientific research and Ayurvedic medicine, 10PM to 2AM is the most important time to sleep. That's because humans get the most amount of restful recovery sleep. One hour of sleep between 10PM - 2AM is worth twice as much as sleep outside those hours. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) views 11PM to 3AM as the most important sleep time. If 10PM is too early for you to get to bed, at least try to follow TCM's advice! Tip 3: Avoid caffeine in the evenings Caffeine is a stimulant drug that energizes us and makes it hard to sleep. Moreover, if we sleep with caffeine in our blood, the quality of our sleep is reduced. Caffeine is in coffee, tea, chocolate, sodas, and energy drinks. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that people stop consuming caffeine at least 6 hours before bed. The earlier, the better. One study found that even consuming caffeine 6 hours before bedtime still reduced total sleep time by 1 hour. Tip 4: Sleep in a completely dark room Humans have evolved to sleep better in a dark environment. Even if you can't get your room completely dark, make it as dark as possible. Get some good window curtains or wear an eye mask. Tip 5: Use your bed only for sleep Many people watch TV in bed or play on their phones in bed. As a result, when they get into bed, they don’t feel like sleeping. Their body thinks it’s time to watch TV or play on the time. Furthermore, even if you do fall asleep, these electronic devices emit radiation that disrupt sleep quality. So if you use your phone as an alarm clock, make sure to put in on airplane mode before sleeping! Tip 6: Calm your mind Many people can't fall asleep because they are thinking about too many things. When this happens, it's important to do some relaxation activities rather than just lying there and keep thinking. Some good relaxation activities to do before bed include meditation, yoga, taking a shower, and journaling. Tip 7: Keep cool When we sleep, our body temperatures naturally drop. Studies show that the optimal temperature for sleep is around 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit). Above 24°C (75°F) or below 12°C (54°F) will make it harder to sleep. Now that we've finished the three habits on managing stress physically, next we'll look at managing stress mentally. Habit 4: Reframe Stress Stories When stressful events happen, we justify our stress by pointing to that external event as the reason. For example, maybe you have an important exam, presentation, or interview coming up, and your partner says, “Geez, you’re so worked up recently!” You might respond by saying, “Of course I’m stressed! I have an important test coming up!” But think about this: How come there are people with even more stressful things happening in their lives that aren’t acting all stressed and worked up like you are? The secret is that the external events don't cause you to be stressed, but rather the way you view that external event makes you stressed. When we focus on the things outside of our control, and when we always want things to go our way, then we get stressed. When we can be proactive by focusing on the things within our control and accept the things outside our control, then we can reframe stress into power. As Ryan Holiday said in his book, The Obstacle is the Way, “You will come across obstacles in life — fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure.” Dr. Chatterjee gives 5 steps to reframe a stressful situation and keep our composure: Write down the thing you are stressed about. What is one practical thing you can do to prevent or prepare for it? What is one reason why it's probably not going to be as bad as you fear? What's one reason you know you can handle it? Name one good thing about the situation. Image Source: Unsplash Step 1 helps us to get clarity on what exactly is stressing us out. If we aren't even sure what's making us stressed, that uncertainty makes us more stressed! When you write, be as specific as you can. For example, don't just write "School is stressing me out." Write, "The fact that I have two projects due in two days, and I haven't rested enough, is stressing me out." Step 2 is about being proactive and focusing on what is in your control. Rather than stressing out about the problem, re-direct your energy and attention to solutions. Maybe you can ask the teacher for an extension. Maybe you can get rid of unnecessary time commitments to make more time. Steps 3 and 4 are about affirming yourself. As the common saying goes, "You have to believe to achieve." Maybe you remember that you've overcome stressful events in the past, or think of all the training and lessons you had that prepared you for this event. Finally, step 5 forces us to think positively about the situation. Think about what you can learn from the situation and what you can be thankful for. No matter the situation, we can always improve our humility, self-control, and gratitude. For example, you might realize how you need to improve your time management skills so that a similar crisis does not happen again in the future. You can also think about how you appreciate your family for all the little things they do like cook your meals so that you have more time to study. By reframing the way we think about external events, we can change our response from stress to power. For more on this topic, check out this article on 8 ways to reframe our minds for happiness. Habit 5: They Meditate Image Source: Unsplash Tim Ferriss has interviewed hundreds of the world’s top performers in all areas ranging from business to sports to science to writers. He noticed that 80 to 90% of the world’s top performers all have some sort of meditation practice. Ferriss explains meditation as training the mind to have control over emotions and to reduce emotional reactivity. He says, “I find that meditation is very helpful for avoiding anxiety and it’s the reset button for the rest of the day… it’s basically a warm bath for your brain.” –Tim Ferriss Ray Dalio is the founder of Bridgewater Associates, viewed by many as the most successful investment company in history. As of April 2020, the company has 1500 employees and manages US$138 billion in assets. Being the leader of such a company is surely stressful! Dalio attributes much as his billion dollar success to mantra meditation, saying, “Meditation more than any other factor has been the reason for whatever success I’ve had… It’s the ability to be centered and to approach things in a calm, centered way without all those fears.” –Ray Dalio There are many different ways to meditate, such as mindfulness meditation, mantra meditation, breathing exercises, and visualization. Four Common Meditation Methods 1: Mindfulness meditation is when you focus on being aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without judgment. It helps center the mind on the present rather than thinking about the past or future. For example, a mindfulness meditation you can do before bed is to lie down and really notice the sensations in your body from toe to head, then mindfully let each body part relax. 2: Mantra meditation, also known as Transcendental Meditation (TM), is when you repeatedly recite a series of sounds called a mantra. There's usually a meaning behind the mantra. You can recite silently in your head or out loud with your voice. People often do it for 15-20 minutes twice a day while sitting with their eyes closed. For example, a common mantra is "om", which can mean infinite knowledge or “the sound by which the Lord is praised.” Another popular mantra in Buddhism is to recite Amitabha (ah-mee-tah-bah), which means infinite life and infinite enlightenment. When you understand the meaning, you're more willing to recite it. Who wouldn't want to have more life and enlightenment? 3: Breathing exercises use conscious breathing to center the mind. In his Ted Talk, Change Your Breath Change Your Life, Lucas Rockwood explains that our breath affects of nervous system, and conscious breathing can help us to reset our nervous system from stress back to normal. To do that, we simply need to breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, then out through the nose for 4 seconds. Do that 10 times. If we want to really relax and calm down, we can breathe in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 8. Do it 10 times, and you should feel much more relaxed. Give it a try! 4: Visualization is when you imagine a positive emotion in great detail. For example, you can close your eyes and visualize love and gratitude for someone you love as a ball of energy, and then imagine sending that energy to that person. Another example is to imagine the future event you’re anticipating and how you will act as your best self in that event. Then when the actual event comes, your mind will feel calm and prepared like it did during the visualization meditation. Those are the four common types of meditation. If you don’t meditate yet, why not pick a method and try it? If you're interested in learning more about meditation, you can check out this book summary of Think Like a Book by Jay Shetty. Another great and free resource is the free guided meditations from UCLA. They have mindfulness, breathing exercises, and visualization. If you don't like the idea of sitting still with your eyes closed or trying to recite a mantra, then I suggest try the Wim Hof breathing method. It's very active and it leaves you feeling calm and focused after just 10 minutes. Now that we've looked at how to approach stress mentally, next we will look at how to overcome stress spiritually, which is arguably the strongest way. Habit 6: They Nurture Relationships Image Source: Unsplash Professor Robert Waldinger is the fourth and current direct of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked the lives of 724 men over 75 years. It is the longest study done on researching what makes a happy and healthy life, and Waldinger shares the results in his TED Talk. “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” –Robert Waldinger The study found that people who are more socially connected to family, friends, and community, are happier, physically healthier, and live longer than those who are less well connected. But it’s not about the number of social connections, but rather about the quality. Waldinger explains that good relationships aren’t necessarily relationships where people never have conflicts. Some healthy couples do bicker with each out a lot. The important thing is that you feel you can really count on the other person to be there for you when things get rough. That’s a good relationship. On the other hand, relationship conflicts are extremely stressful and toxic to the body. “Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.” –Robert Waldinger If you have great relationships with family and friends, you can turn to them to help you during stressful times. If you have bad relationships with them, then they will be a source of stress, and you should work on improving those relationships. For more on this topic, check out this article on how to nurture loving relationships. Habit 7: They Connect to a Strong Purpose Image Source: Unsplash In this context, purpose means serving others. When we are serving others, we are motivated by gratitude and love. These two motivations give us a strong purpose. If we only think about our own selfish desires, then we will live a stressful life. As Seneca said, It is inevitable that life will be not just very short but very miserable for those who acquire by great toil what they must keep by greater toil." Dr. Karl Menninger was a leading psychiatrist in the US, and one time, he was giving a keynote speech to 5000 psychologists and psychiatrists. After the presentation was the Q&A period. Somebody asked, “Dr. Menninger, if you were to meet a person about to have a nervous breakdown, what would you advise them to do?” The audience all thought he might say get some professional help since they all are in that profession. But Dr. Menninger surprised them. He said, “Lock up your house, go across the railway tracks, find someone in need and do something to help that person. You’ll almost always get healthy." In other words, when you take the focus off yourself and your own problems, when you focus on your purpose and making a difference in the world, you almost always feel less stressed. For more on this topic, check out this article on how to find a meaningful purpose. Conclusion In conclusion, stress resistant people manage stress physically, mentally, and spiritually. From a physical standpoint, they eat healthily, exercise consistently, and sleep well. From a mental standpoint, they reframe stress stories and meditate to cultivate inner peace and emotional stability. From a spiritual standpoint, they nurture relationships and connect to a strong purpose of serving others. The more of these habits we implement into our own lives, the more stress resistant we will be. Which habits will you try?

Here are my key takeaways from the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. I recommend everyone to read this post (and perhaps the book) because emotional intelligence affects almost every aspect of our lives, including your relationship with yourself, relationships with others, and your success. The book answers questions such as How can I better manage negative emotions like anger, depression, and anxiety? How can I have more emotional harmony with others? How is emotional intelligence useful in the workplace? What are the negative consequences of low emotional intelligence? (You can click on any question to jump to the answer) This summary has four parts: Part 1: Why did the author write this book? Part 2: What are the main ideas and arguments? The Emotional Brain The Nature of Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence Applied Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Children Emotional Illiteracy — Consequences and Solutions Part 3: What is my opinion on the book? Part 4: How have I applied this book in my life? Part 1: Why did the author write this book? One of the first things Goleman states in his book is that IQ contributes, at best, 20% towards a person’s success, and EQ is a significant part of the remaining 80%. Unfortunately, there’s worldwide trends for younger generations to be more emotionally troubled than past generations, which leads to serious consequences like mental illness, crime, and addiction. Schools currently offer little to no preparation for the emotional turmoil’s that will happen in life, so parents need to educate their children. The problem is, the general population of adults also aren’t very emotionally literate because they weren’t given education on emotional intelligence either. He hopes this book will educate the public on emotional intelligence and provide guidance on what emotional literacy programs can look like. Part 2: What are the main ideas from the book? This book talks about what emotional intelligence is and its impact on our daily lives and on society. The book has five sections. You can click on any heading to jump to that section. The Emotional Brain. This section explains the irrational things we do by looking at the neurology of the brain. The Nature of Emotional Intelligence. This section breaks down what emotional intelligence actually entails. Emotional Intelligence Applied. This section applies emotional intelligence to marriage, the workplace, and medical care. Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Children. This section is about what parents should do to help nurture emotional intelligence in children. Emotional Illiteracy. This section is about the severe cost of emotional illiteracy and what a good emotional literacy program should contain. Section 1: The Emotional Brain Basically, the human brain has two parts: the emotional brain and the rational brain. In our evolutionary history, the emotional brain came first and is the bottom base of the brain. The rational brain came later and is in the outer upper regions. Due to the structure of the brain and its connections with the body, the emotional brain acts faster than the rational brain, and the emotional brain can also override the rational brain. Section 2: The Nature of Emotional Intelligence Emotional intelligence is about five important abilities. Emotional self-awareness Emotional self-regulation Self-motivation Awareness of others’ emotions Handling relationships Ability 1: Emotional Self-Awareness Emotional self-awareness is about being aware of your emotions when they happen, particularly the negative ones like anxiety, depression, and anger. It involves noticing what happens to your body physically and what goes on in your head mentally. Ability 2: Emotional Self-Regulation Emotional Self-Regulation is about using techniques to manage negative emotions so that they don’t last so long. Techniques include reframing a situation that made you angry, increasing physical arousal if depressed, and reducing physical arousal if anxious. For Anger One of the best ways to douse the flames of anger is to reframe the situation more positively. On the other hand, the longer we ruminate about what made us angry, the more “good reasons” we come up with for being angry. Studies show that venting anger may feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t dispel the anger. For example, you might be angry that someone criticized you unfairly. The more you think about why that person is wrong and why they should apologize to you, the worse you feel. But you can reframe the situation by thinking, "A truly virtuous person is very humble and forgiving towards other. He would rather be wrongfully criticized and let others feel that he can be criticized rather than arguing with them over it." When we re-frame the situation, we change the anger into gratitude. For Depression Depression is a low-arousal state, so exercise helps lift the mood, while relaxation techniques worsen it. Often times when people feel low in spirit, if they go do some exercise, whether it be a run or a sport or even just some jumping jacks, they will feel better. Another second method for reducing depression is to comparing ourselves to those worse off than us. The purpose here is to realize how fortunate we are. When we feel gratitude, we won't be depressed. For example, many students feel depressed about their low exam scores. But when they see a video of what school conditions are like in poor countries, they suddenly feel very grateful for their situation, realizing how much other people would crave their situation. A third method is to help other people. We feel depressed because we are overly focused on what WE want and how we cannot get it. If we change to thinking about how we can help others, then our attention moves away from our selfish desires, and then we will feel better. The human brain is wired to social connection, so when we help others, we will naturally feel good. For Anxiety Anxiety is a high-arousal state, so relaxation techniques help. Examples include meditation, deep breathing, going for a walk, listening to calming music, etc. Anxious people do worse academically and on the job. However, people do their best when there’s just enough anxiety. If there’s too little anxiety, people don’t prepare. But if there’s too much anxiety, people don’t have any mental capacity to focus. The sweet spot is in the middle. Ability 3: Self-Motivation Self-motivation is about being hopeful and optimistic in the face of difficulty, and using goal-directed self-imposed delayed gratification to achieve goals, and using flow state to reach peak performance. Delayed gratification means foregoing a small reward now for a larger reward in the future. For example, instead of watching TV now (a small pleasure), I’ll study so that I can do well on my exam (big reward in the future). Flow state is when your emotions are channeled and aligned to the task at hand; unconcerned with thoughts unrelated to the task. To enter flow state, we need intentional sharp focus on the task at hand. The task should be slightly above your ability level, but also something you’ve practiced many times before, and you shouldn’t be too tired. Ability 4: Awareness of Others' Emotions Being aware of other people's emotions requires us to have empathy. To have empathy, we need to be calm enough such that we can mirror the other person’s physiological state, allowing us to literally feel what they feel. Ability 5: Handling Relationships To handle relationships well, we need to know how to argue and resolve conflicts using the XYZ method. We also need to avoid emotional flooding during communications. The XYZ method for expressing a complaint: When you did X, I felt Y, and I’d rather you do Z instead. It is an effective way to communicate your needs because it does not blame the other person, and it tells them exactly what they can do to make you happy. Emotional flooding is when your heart rate rises by more than 10 beats per minute during a difficult conversation. The two sides should take a 20-minute break to calm down before resuming discussion. Although 5 minutes may feel enough, the actual physiological recovery time needs 20 minutes. Section 3: Emotional Intelligence Applied Part 3 applies emotional intelligence to marriages, the workplace, and medical care. Emotional Intelligence in Marriage Divorce rates are on the rise, from 30% in 1950 to 67% in 1990. Specific issues don’t break a marriage. It’s how a couple disagrees and then discusses that’s the key to marital survival. We need to guard against contempt and stonewalling. Usually, what happens is the wife will complain about something to which the husband thinks is not a big deal and doesn’t do anything. Eventually, the wife’s complaints escalate to contempt by attacking the husband’s character. For example, the wife might say “You’re always so inconsiderate” instead of “What you did just now makes me feel like you don’t care about me.” When the husband is faced by contempt, he gets emotionally flooded, and to deal with that, he stonewalls the wife as an evolutionary self-defense mechanism. For example, he’ll just go completely emotionless and ignore the wife. This stonewalling causes the wife to despise the husband even more, leading to more contempt and more stonewalling. If this perpetuates, it leads to divorce. The solution requires emotions intelligence, namely aspect #5, handling relationships. The couple can use the XYZ method and avoid emotional flooding when communication. But to handle relationships effectively, each person needs to be aware of each others’ emotions, and to do that, they need to be physiologically calm. These tough conversations will inevitably arouse each person physiologically, so they need to be emotionally self-aware and then emotionally self-regulate. We can see how emotional intelligence is key in sustaining a marriage. Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace Low EQ people makes others stressed. Stress makes people stupid. The main EQ skills needed in the workplace are Attunement to others’ feelings Handling disagreements Entering flow state Venting grievances as helpful critiques Creating a culture of diversity Networking effectively A manager-employee relationship can be analogous to a wife-husband relationship, where the manager might attack an employee’s character, leading to stonewalling from the employee. Another mistake managers make is letting small problems go unnoticed, then accumulating small frustrations until the manager finally blows up at the employee. This then makes the employee feel wronged for not being told earlier. The artful critique focuses on the person’s actions rather than character, is specific about what needs to change, and offers a solution for improvement. The artful critique is usually done face to face and requires empathy from the giver to feel the impact on the receiver. Here’s an example of an artful critique: “The main difficulty at this stage is that your plan will take too long and so escalate costs. I’d like you to think more about your costs, especially the design specifications, to see if you can figure out a way to do the same job more quickly." In terms of fostering diversity and inclusion, research shows that it’s very difficult to change people’s deeply ingrained feelings, so it’s not worth trying. Instead, organizations should train behavior, which is much easier. Organizations need to set a zero-tolerance environment that swiftly and publicly punish acts of discrimination, which will train people to act in inclusive ways, even if they still feel prejudice deep down. In team performance, harmony is the single greatest determinant. Harmony allows every member to contribute their fullest to the team. If there’s any emotional friction, then people cannot offer their best. Top performers are better than everyone else at three things: taking initiative to go the extra mile, promoting cooperation, and regulating oneself emotionally. They also have quick access to a flexible, informal network that will help them solve unpredictable problems quickly. Emotional Intelligence in Medical Care There’s often a significant medical benefit to treating a person’s psychological needs in addition to their medical needs. Medical professionals often name all the horrible possibilities to an already anxious patient, which then makes them even more anxious. Anxiety has a scientific link to the onset of sickness and the course of recovery; there’s mounting evidence that stress causes wear and tear on the nervous system. Anger is the most harmful to the heart. Being prone to anger is a stronger predictor of dying young than smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. The antidote is to develop a more trusting heart, to assume better intentions of others. Loneliness doubles the risk for sickness and death. Smoking is only 1.6 times. An effective way to deal with turbulent feelings is to write it on paper, then over the next several days, weave a narrative that finds meaning in the pain. Section 4: Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Children Unsurprisingly, parents’ emotional intelligence play an enormous role in the emotional development of children. But it also helps children with areas outside of EQ, including academic performance (better focus) and health (lower stress). Family life is our first school for emotional learning. We learn how to feel about ourselves, how others react to our feelings, how to think about those feelings, and how to express hopes and fears. There are three common types of emotionally inept parenting: Completely ignoring the feelings of the child Too care-free: These parents notice an emotional storm but decide that however the child handles it is fine, even hitting and screaming. Contemptuous: harshly disapproving their children’s anger and being punitive about it. Emotionally intelligent parents use the opportunity of a child’s upset to serve as an emotional coach to the child. They take the time to understand exactly what’s upsetting the child, then they help the child find positive ways to soothe their feelings. Section 5: Emotional Illiteracy — Consequences and Solutions The cost of low emotional intelligence in children are severe, including depression, delinquency, addiction to alcohol and drugs, and eating disorders. Depression Depression is caused mainly by a deficit in two areas of emotional competence: relationships skills and handling setbacks. The lack of relationship skills causes them to have problems with their parents or peers. Then, they respond to these setbacks by feeling like they can’t do anything about it, leading to depression. Since depression often manifests initially as constant irritability, especially towards parents, people are less likely to engage socially with that depressed person, resulting in a downward spiral of arguments and alienation. If the child is taught to feel like there’s actions they can take to improve their situation, they won’t fall into depression. Delinquency Social rejects lack emotional intelligence; they can’t read emotional cues, so no one likes them. They are 2–8 times more likely to drop out of school. Boys who have low IQ and become delinquents will typically join an outcast group by the time they’re in high school. The group is likely to commit petty crime like shoplifting and drug dealing. Girls who get in trouble and are “bad” have a different trajectory. By the time they finish high school, they are three times more likely than other girls to have a child already. Antisocial boys get violent. Antisocial girls get pregnant. Addiction to Alcohol and Drugs For those who experiment with alcohol and drugs, only 14% become alcoholics and 5% become drug addicts. The difference with the addicts is that they turn to the substance to soothe their negative emotions as a way of self-medication. Sometimes, these people have a genetic predisposition to these emotional problems. Since alcohol has a relaxation effect, alcohol addicts turn to alcohol to soothe either their extremely high anxiety or agitation. Drug addicts turn to cocaine in response to depression, and they turn to heroin to control anger. Intervention programs need to teach children key emotional skills to prevent and treat addiction. These skills include emotional self-awareness, emotional self-regulation, handling stress and anxiety, reading social cues, empathy, resisting negative influences, and understanding what behavior is acceptable in a situation. Eating Disorders Eating disorders are caused by an inability to identify distressing feelings combined with high dissatisfaction with one’s body. For example, a girl feels stressed or angry but she can’t actually name the feeling, and she just assumes everything is hunger. Then she binge eats to soothe herself. But to avoid gaining weight, she purges it all out; that’s bulimia. Or the girl starves herself to feel a sense of control; that’s anorexia. To prevent or stop an eating disorder, girls need to learn to identify their feelings and then use healthy methods to soothe those feelings. Solution: Emotional Literacy Programs The author urges schools to design and implement emotional literacy programs that begin early, are age-appropriate, run throughout the school years, and intertwine with efforts at school, at home, and in the community. Age-appropriate means not teaching something the children don’t have the ability to learn yet. From ages 6–11, children develop the ability to learn delayed gratification, being socially responsible, controlling emotions like anger and impulse, and having an optimistic outlook. These years are crucial for defining their later adolescent experience. From middle school to high school, into the teen years and puberty, virtually everyone has a drop in self-confidence and a rise in self-consciousness. During this period, children need to learn how to build close relationships, reading emotions, solving relationship problems, and nurturing self-confidence. A technique that children can use before bursting into anger or crying is the Stoplight Method. First is red light: Stop and think before you act. Second is yellow light: Say the problem and how you feel, set a positive goal, and think of lots of solutions and their consequences. Last is green light: Go ahead and try the best plan. The grown-up version of the Stoplight Method is SOCS: Situation: say what the situation is and how it makes you feel Options: think about the options for solving the problem Consequences: think about the consequences of each option Solutions: pick a solution and execute it Part 3: What is my opinion on the book? This book was long and at many times very research heavy. However, I’m very glad I read this book, and I think it’s an essential book that every person should read. I like how Goleman broke down emotional intelligence into five concrete aspects. Before reading this book, I just thought of emotional intelligence as "people skills", and now I have a much more accurate and thorough understanding of the term. Part 3 of the book, where it talked about applying emotional intelligence to marriages, is the most important part of the book in my opinion. The fact that divorce rates were at 67% in 1990s is startling. Harmony between husband and wife is key to societal peace. The husband-wife harmony influences the whole family, and they set the example for the younger generation. If there are conflicts between husband and wife, then they bring all that negative energy into the workplace, and the future generation learns a bad example. Emotional intelligence is a key tool for improving husband-wife harmony, which then improves societal peace. Part 5 of the book was really memorable for me because it talked about the consequences of emotional illiteracy in children. Growing up, I had a good friend who later became depressed and turned to drugs, and I didn’t know how to help. With the knowledge from the book, I now know of two helpful treatments: I can make him go to the gym with me and volunteer to help homeless people. When I first read the book, I wished there was more details on how to emotionally soothe my own negative emotions, such as anger, depression, and anxiety. After more research and reflection, I've realized that this topic is huge, which is probably why the author couldn't go into more detail in this book. I wrote a separate article to summarize what I've learned about managing stress and emotional health here. The most relevant part of the book to me was Part 3, where it talked about applying emotional intelligence to relationships. Outside of this book, one of the best tools I've found for improving relationships is the Five Love Languages. Image Source The big insight with the Five Love Languages is that you need to speak your partner's love language, not yours, to make your partner feel loved. That requires us to actually know that there are five love languages. You can find out their love language by simply asking them which of the five do they care about most, or you can do the Five Love Languages Quiz together. Often times, simply speaking your partner's love language will help you get over conflicts because most conflicts arise from feeling unappreciated. Resolving relationships conflicts topic is a huge though, and I think these other resources are great for further help: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling Difficult Conversations Book Summary Hone Your Intentions How to Resolve Relationship Conflicts Other People’s Wrongs are Right. Our Right is Wrong Principles for Great Relationships Part 4: How have I applied this book in my life? Harmony In my relationships, both personal and professional, I now focus more on harmony. Before, I used to focus on being right because I thought that was adding value to the relationship and also probably because I’m arrogant. By focusing on harmony, I’ve already found it to reduce stress and arguments in my interactions with others. Reframing Like many people, I get annoyed at many things. Annoyance is really just anger on a smaller scale. So now I try to catch myself being annoyed and then reframe the situation to get rid of that anger. For example, I’m annoyed about my 90 minute commute. I can reframe it as, That’s 90 minutes of uninterrupted time to listen to podcasts and learn, which is important to me. I also started saying “Yes, thank you” to things that annoy me. It creates this weird dissonance in my brain that removes the annoyance. For example, when the elevator stops and no one comes on, my first thought is “Ugh, what a waste of everyone’s time.” I can’t really reframe that positively…So I just say “Yes, thank you.” And then I feel weird. And then I think, “Well, at least I like the place that I’m living at.” And the initial annoyance is gone. Top Performance At work, I look for how I can take initiative to do things that people haven’t thought of (or thought of but don’t have time to do) that adds value to the team. I also try to build good rapport with everyone I work to increase harmony in our relationship. Empathy When having difficult conversations, I stop it whenever I feel my heart rate to be too high or I feel the other person is agitated. Whereas before, I’d just keep trying to work it out, which is actually counter-productive when both sides are agitated, now I know to stop and rest. Once both sides are calm (at least 20 mins later), we can restart. Artful Criticism In life, there will be times where we need to tell others to improve, and if we do it wrong, they will get offended and at upset at us. But if we do it right, they will be appreciative and the relationship will improve. The XYZ method of “When you did X, I felt Y, and I’d rather you do Z instead," is great because it's focused on how I feel, not on attacking the other person. It also offers a specific solution. From personal experience, I would also add the following rules about giving an artful critique: Timing: They are not busy; their mood is good Environment: No one else is present; the environment is comfortable Intention: Be loving and considerate, not critical or judging Tone of Voice: warm and comfortable Person: Make sure you have their trust. Whatever behavior you're advising on, make sure you first set a good example with your behavior. Giving criticism is difficult for both the giver and the receiver. But if we can do it right, it's highly worth it.

Guest post by Lance Cody-Valdez Image via Unsplash 2020 was a turning point for all of us, although often not in a positive direction. Per statistics cited by Baptist Health South Florida, the pandemic saw many people using drugs and alcohol at an alarming rate: 55% of people reported an increase alcohol consumption, with 18% reporting a significant increase, citing reasons such as stress, boredom, anxiety, and depression. Clearly, we need for healthy coping strategies when facing tough times. Drugs stimulate neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins—the “feel-good” chemicals that produce feelings of joy or bliss. Those feelings only last so long, however. When you come down from your high, your brain feels depleted and washed out. Fortunately, making exercise part of your lifestyle is a simple and free or low-cost coping strategy. The upside of exercise is that it releases those same chemicals, supplementing the feeling of a high, only in healthy doses. In that sense, it doesn’t matter which exercises you do so long as you incorporate them into a fitness regimen. Jogging, baseball, weight-lifting, pickup 3-on-3, bike riding through the mountains—whatever gets you moving, keep doing it. Fitness and Coping Physical fitness offers a wealth of health benefits, including stress reduction. That applies whether you’re suffering from an addiction or not. Probably the best way to fight addiction is to sign up for an inpatient or outpatient program based on science-validated methodologies. But if you’re dealing with a drug or alcohol abuse problem, a number of alternative coping methods exist that could supplement your recovery. These include meditation, yoga, and swimming. Each of these activities is calming and low-impact, and they improve your breathing and flexibility. They also soothe tension, control your weight, and lower your blood pressure. Perhaps the most important upside, however, is that they allow you to relax. People who swim or do yoga often talk about how time seems to slip away while they’re in the pool or falling into the rhythm of their breath. That healthy escapism may be the essence of meditation, and as Psychology Today explains, it can relieve stress and help you avoid relapse. If yoga, swimming, or meditation aren’t your thing, that’s okay. There are plenty of other exercises to choose from. Each one targets different areas of the body, and may yield different results. But the key benefit of them all is that they replenish your brain, especially if it’s been captive to a drug addiction. When you complement physical activity with other stress-relieving techniques, you get even more benefits. For example, adding indoor plants to your living space and decluttering can help you feel more peaceful. You can also learn to manage stress by identifying what triggers tension and finding healthy coping mechanisms. Make it Easy and Enjoyable Even with an exercise you enjoy, there will be “off” days. Maybe the weather is keeping you in, or you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Making it easy and enjoyable can help you over the hump. Set up a space at home where you can stretch out, add some equipment, and do a home workout that breaks up your routine, maybe even Zoom with a workout buddy. If you're looking for an easy and quick exercise routine, you can check out this kitchen workout from renowned doctor Rangan Chaterjee: A little variety can give you the boost you need. Slip into some comfy workout clothes and crank up your favorite tunes. If you’re worried about disturbing your household, some earbuds or lightweight headphones can be just the ticket to keep you movin’ and groovin’. And you’ll be that much prouder of yourself for having stuck to it, even when the day wasn’t shaping up the way you wanted. Improving Mental Health People recovering from challenging times frequently suffer from feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, and remorse, all of which can exacerbate pre-existing mental conditions, so if you’re struggling to regain your footing, consult with a counselor or a therapist. Resources like BetterHelp even allow you to access a therapist from the comfort of your own home. Rooting out the source of your trouble may take years, and it can be a painful journey into the past, but it may also help you find peace. Maintaining a Healthy Routine It’s important to come up with an all-around healthy routine for the long term. As Verywell Health explains, some of the best self-care strategies include getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and doing the hobbies that you love. Perhaps the most important healthy habit, though, is to be around the friends and family who you enjoy. A strong support network makes you feel positive and optimistic, and can help you find your way through tough times.

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give, which is everything." —Katharine Hepburn Previously, we learned about the virtues of filial piety, carefulness, and trustworthiness. These all serve as stepping stones to the highest virtue: Pure Love. Pure love has three defining traits: Selfless: we only care about benefiting the other person, and we have no thought of selfish benefit Unconditional: you will treat others lovingly no matter who they are, what their condition is, or how they treat you. Broad: our love is not limited to our small family, our ethnic group, or own country, but rather reaches all people. This kind of Pure Love is probably hard for most of us to relate to because our virtues are not highly cultivated, but if you look at any of history's heroes and sages, they all have Pure Love. For example, Confucius risked his life traveling around warring states to urge country kings towards harmony and peace. Despite people telling him to hide and protect his own life, he chose to risk his life out of love for all people. Pure Love is also a defining trait of Nobel Peace Prize winners like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama. Just look at how compassionate and loving these people's smiles are! From selfish to selfless love Selfless love can be easily seen from parents, who will give the best to their children and not ask for anything in return. That's why it is easiest for children to nurture selfless love towards their parents first, and then widen that love out towards others. Selfless love is not just idealistic, it is also necessary. No one likes nor trusts a selfish person. If we only do things when it benefits us, then people will not want to interact with us, and we certainly won't have a happy or successful life. From conditional to unconditional love Most people have conditional love. The most common condition is "If you behave the way I like, I will treat you well. If you behave against what I like, then I won't treat you well." But a truly loving person treats all people with love and equality. Why? The Buddha said it well: "The people before them set a bad example. They didn't know morality and virtues. Nobody taught them. Thus we cannot blame them." To give an analogy imagine a baby having an emotional fit, crying and hitting things. We can understand that this baby has not learned to manage her emotions well and solve her problems in an effective way, so we don't blame the baby. If you think about it, many adults are the same. They were never taught how to be a good person, how to resolve their emotional problems in a healthy way, or how to foster good relationships. Instead, they might have been taught vices like selfishness, arrogance, and entitlement. Their bad behavior hurts them greatly too, so a loving person would not make their life even more miserable by treating them badly. Instead, a loving person would try to help them, calm down their negative emotions, and teach them virtues and important life skills. Of course, that requires us to first cultivate our virtues first, which is why the Guide to Happy Life places Pure Love after filial piety, carefulness, and trustworthiness. From narrow to broad love Most people have narrow love because they didn't have role models of broad love. Unfortunately, narrow love leads to discrimination and conflict, and that's why so many Nobel Peace Winners are known for resolving discrimination via broad love. As mentioned before, it is most natural to start cultivating love towards parents because parents gave us selfless and unconditional love. Once we are filial towards parents, then we can extend out that love towards others. That is why the Guide to Happy Life tells us to "Treat all parents as my own parents. Treat all siblings as my own siblings." My Experience For most of my life, I thought "love" was what was shown in Hollywood movies, a kind of intense and passionate love. But what the movies didn't tell me was that this kind of love is short-lasting and will lead to a low afterwards. No wonder I had so many problems in relationships! Only in the past year did I learned about Pure Love. Of course, I'm nowhere near close to having pure love, but at least I'm going in the right direction now! Before In the past, I treated my friends, colleagues, and bosses well, but I didn't really respect my own parents. I now realize I only treated those other people well because there was selfish benefit for me to do so. Therefore my love was selfish. Before, if someone ticked me off, I would hold feelings of resentment towards them. That meant I had conditional love. Looking back, that caused me a lot of unnecessary suffering! Finally, my love was very narrow. I rarely thought about anyone's benefit other than myself. Always thinking about my future benefit and whether I will be okay is quite a stressful way to live! On the other hand, trying to help others and being happy for their good fortune is a much happier mindset. Now Now, I make conscious effort to treat everyone with equal respect and love. For example, in my job as a teacher, if a "bad" student asks me for help and then a "good" student asks me for help, I will help them both with my utmost effort. Moreover, I will first help whoever asked me first and not pick favorites. One time, my mother was upset that I spend so much of my free time doing work. I explained to her that I am incorporating virtuous teachings into the curriculum, so it is really helpful to the students' lives. Furthermore, I told her, "Why don't you view these students as your own grandchildren? Then you would be very happy to see me working hard to give them the best education." When she broadened her heart, her unhappiness went away. Concluding Thoughts When was a time you received unconditional love? How can you give back unconditional love to that person? How can you broaden that love out towards people whom you did not love before?

Confucius said, “Untrustworthy people cannot succeed.” That's because if a person lacks trustworthiness, no one would want to interact with them, let alone be friends with them, hire them, or do business with them. Alan Zimmerman said, "Trust is a must or your relationships will bust." To that, I might add, "If your relationships bust, your happiness will rust." Image Source: Unsplash Many people misunderstand trustworthiness to simply mean honesty, but someone who is bluntly honest would ruin their relationships. So how can we be trustworthy then? Trustworthiness actually requires four things: Good faith Integrity Humility Carefulness. 1: Good Faith Good faith is about wanting the best for the other person. For example, you hope your doctor is giving you a medicine because it is the best medicine for you, not because the doctor can make extra money by selling you that medicine. We only trust people if we believe they have our best intentions at heart, not their own selfish intentions. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." 2: Integrity Integrity is about doing the right thing even when the matter is small and no one is watching. For example, if someone breaks a small promise, can you trust them to keep a big promise? If you see someone is lazy and careless when no one important is watching, can you trust them to do important jobs? Integrity is also about walking your talk. For example, if you tell someone "I love you", do your daily actions and calendar prove your words? If we say one thing but do another, how can anyone trust us? Actions speak louder than words. 3: Carefulness Carefulness is about doing all things, especially the small things, with conscientiousness. If someone often makes mistakes in small tasks, how can you trust them with big tasks? As the common adage goes, "How you do anything is how you do everything." 4: Humility Humility is about acknowledging and taking responsibility for one's mistakes. No one is perfect, and we're all going to make mistakes in life. If a person is arrogant, won't listen to criticism, and can't admit their mistakes, how can you trust them with important tasks? My Experience This past week, I was talking with my niece, and I told her it is important to sleep before 11:00PM because 11:00PM to 3:00AM is the most important sleep time according to Traditional Chinese Medicine. She then asked me what time I sleep. I told her usually around 10:30PM. She said, "Oh wow you sleep so early!" I replied, "Well if I tell YOU to sleep before 11:00PM, then of course I would sleep before 11:00PM! Otherwise you wouldn't trust me." She replied, "Huh, but isn't common for people to say one thing and do another? Like my mom tells me to not play on my phone but then she is playing on her phone shortly after." I told her, "Well, just because it is common does not mean it is right. Most people were not taught to take their words seriously, but today I taught you, so make sure if you say something, you actually do it!" Upon reflection, I didn't walk my talk either in the past. It was only after I learned what trustworthiness actually entails from the book Guide to Happy Life that I started working on my good faith, integrity, carefulness, and humility. Although we might look around and see lots of examples of people not being trustworthy, we must realize that they aren't purposefully trying to be bad, they were just never taught. The most helpful thing we can do is to set a good example with our behavior and to teach them when the situation is appropriate. Even though I have learned about trustworthiness, I still make mistakes and sometimes forget to do what I said I would do. Trustworthiness is something we have to continually work on and maintain, but the reward (great relationships and support from others) is most worth it. Concluding Thought Which of the four aspects of trustworthiness do you need to improve?