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Context: I’m currently taking the Recall Masterclass from Kwik Learning right now, and as part of the homework, I am to teach what I learned each class to other people. The class is taught by Jim Kwik, a renowned brain coach. Since I’m a blogger, I’d like to share my notes with all of you. I hope you can use the knowledge and practice the methods to improve your memory as well. Class 3: Remembering Vocabulary and Spelling Remembering vocabulary is especially important for students because they are always learning new words in school. In fact, the main reason I care about this lesson is to give my students advice for learning vocabulary. But for people who are not in school anymore, learning new words is still important because we think in words, so if we can expand our vocabulary, we can expand our thinking ability. Imagine if you could learn 10 new words every day. That would be 300 words in a month, and over 3000 words in a year! It's definitely possible. This lesson had 4 key ideas: Spaced repetition TIP for remembering definitions Visual Kinesthetic for remembering spelling Use olfactory for tests Key Idea 1: Spaced Repetition Our short-term memory lasts about 6 seconds. If we want to move something from short-term memory to long-term memory, we have to use spaced repetition. To do spaced repetition, first write down that word on a flashcard and then the definition on the back of the flashcard. Review that flashcard in intervals. The first review is one hour later. The second interval is one day later. The third interval is one week later. The fourth and final interval is one month later. After that, it should be stored in your long-term memory. As a complement to spaced repetition, you should try to use that word as much as you can during the day you learned it. That helps you deepen your understanding and impression of the word. Key Idea 2: TIP for Remembering Definitions TIP = Turn Into Picture. Another way to think about it is to play Pictionary with yourself to remember words. First, turn the word itself into a picture. Then turn the definition into a picture. Then connect the two pictures. How do you connect them? Use the vowels: A = Action. Have some kind of action connecting the two pictures. E = Exaggeration and emotion. I = Illogical O = Outstanding U = Unusual By using the 5 vowels, we make the picture really vivid and therefore memorable. Let’s do an example: extol. Extol means to praise. First, I turn the word into a picture. Extol sounds like eggs + toll. So I imagine driving through a toll booth, and then I put eggs instead of money into the toll box. Then the officer praises me highly for it. Let’s do another example: foretoken. It means warning. What visual story can you make out of it? It’s an exercise in creativity and imagination. The stronger you get at imagination, the better your memory. I can imagine myself going to a fortune teller, and she gives me a grave warning about the future. Instead of paying her money, I pay her with bus tokens. An important point about this TIP strategy is that it’s simply a method to an end. Once you remember the word and its definition via spaced repetition, you no longer need to remember the story you created. Key Idea 3: Visual Kinesthetic for Spelling There are three main learning styles: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic (feeling). Most people try to remember spelling by using the sound, but that’s a bad strategy for English because for many words, the spelling does not match the sound. In order to remember English spelling better, we should use the visual and kinesthetic learning styles. To do the kinesthetic part, write down the word on a flashcard. To do the visual part, hold the flashcard up to your top left. The reason is because when we try to remember things, we naturally move our eyes towards the top left. Then take a mental picture of that flashcard with that spelling there. Then close your eyes and see that mental picture. You know you’ve remembered the spelling if you can spell the word backwards. Most people are not able to do that because when they memorized the spelling, they didn’t do it visually. Key Idea 4: Use Olfactory for Tests Olfactory is our sense of smell, and it is strongly linked to memory. We can use olfactory to help us remember things for tests. When you’re studying for that subject, put on a specific scented oil or chew a specific gum (we will smell that flavor). Then when the test comes, do the same thing. That smell will help you remember what you studied. Homework Practice learning 5-10 new words per day. Learn both the meaning and the spelling. If you don't know where to find new words, you can start by checking out the SAT list of top 100 words: https://www.vocabulary.com/lists/23400

Published Date: October 6, 2019 Hi All! I recently started listening to the podcast Kwik Brain and find it very worth the time. It's all about brain performance. If you like this week's learning points, you might enjoy the podcast too. Here are this week's chosen learning points: Reading a book a week: If you read at an average speed of 200 words per minute, you can finish an average book (64,000 words) in one week by simply reading 45 minutes a day. That's less than how much time the average person spends watching Netflix a day (71 minutes)! Reading faster: A key to reading faster (for learning purposes) is focus. Too often we read in an unfocused state of mind. To improve focus, have a clear and strong motivation to read. When reading, use your finger as a tracker on the page (Ep. 7). Also try to suppress that inner narrator voice by reading faster; you don't need to say every word in your head to comprehend what you read. (Ep. 12) Improving memory: All learning is state-dependent. If you feel no emotional energy, you forget it easily. Bring a state of curiosity, fascination, and joy to what you learn and you'll remember it much easier. (Ep. 1) Here are this week's recommended actions: Read for learning or development for 45 minutes a day and see if you finish a book. When reading, use your finger as a tracker to make sure you don't lose track of where you are on the page. Also try to push your reading speed by moving your finger faster and try to suppress your inner narrator voice. Before learning, set a strong positive state to improve retention and focus. Be clear on your purpose or intention. For me, I always think about how I can apply it in my life. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

Published Date: Sunday, September 29, 2019 Hi All! This week's newsletter is about the book Principles by Ray Dalio. The book is essentially about how to make better decisions for a better life. There's a lot of useful gems in this book and I can't go into everything in a short email, so if you want to learn more, check out this bog post. I particularly recommend reading about how I've applied the book in my life because learning is only useful if applied. Here are the key learning points: Success = Meaningful Work + Meaningful Relationships. It's not opinion, it's based on the biology of the human brain. Everyone has an ego problem, which impedes us from success. The solution is open-mindedness. Closed-minded people focus on speaking and being right. Open-minded people focus on listening and understanding the whole picture. Everyone has objective strengths and weaknesses; those weaknesses often result in "blind spots" that make us run into the same problem over and over. The solution is to know your weaknesses and then work on them, or often better, find someone with complementary strengths. When listening to others, weigh their believability (credibility) to decide how seriously to take their advice. Believable people have accomplished the thing in question and have a great explanation for how they did it. Connect the dots between small decisions and large goals. People often get lost or off-track when making small decisions because they don't connect it to their higher-level goals or purpose. Here are this week's recommended actions: To see yourself (and others) more objectively, make a factual profile (AKA "baseball card") for them. The way I do it, I have that person's values, tendency, Myers-Brigg profile, natural strengths, and natural weaknesses. (See example below) Before asking people for advice, first consider their credibility on the subject. Make a personal Board of Directors with teachers/mentors/authors who represent teachings or advice that you want to remember more often. When making a tough decision, imagine what each person on your Board would advise you to do. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

"If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have dessert or a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of enjoying my dessert or my tea when I finally have them." —Thich Nhat Hanh, At Home in the World Commentary: We can find joy in mundane things when we fully embrace the present moment. We won't find joy in even the most wonderful things if our mind is wandering elsewhere. Presence is like a muscle that we can train, and training this muscle is become ever more important in our distraction-filled world.

Original publication date: September 6, 2019 Here are my key takeaways from the book Start with Why by Simon Sinek. I recommend everyone to read this post (and perhaps the book) because the core message of the book is to be purposeful in everything we do, which is applicable to everyone’s life in so many ways. Simon also has a Ted Talk that I recommend everyone check out; It’s the third most popular Ted Talk of all time for a good reason. Image Source A note on the book: It seems to be targeted for leaders of organizations and uses a lot of business examples. That said, the lessons are certainly applicable to individuals, and I’ve applied them to my life, which you can read in part 4 of this post. In this post, I answer four questions: Why did the author write this book? What are the main ideas? (largest section) What is my opinion on the book? How have I applied this book in my life? 1. Why did the author write this book? The author sees a big problem: Most people and organizations do not start with WHY, and that’s a shame. He defines WHY as the reason for doing something, a deep belief or cause that we care about. His intended audience is mainly for leaders of organizations because they have the power to inspire all their employees and their customers. His secondary audience is individuals. He states, “Imagine if every organization started with WHY. Decisions would be simpler. Loyalties would be greater. Trust would be a common currency. If our leaders were diligent about starting with WHY, optimism would reign and innovation would thrive.” 2. What are the main ideas? There are five main ideas that I took away from this book. People don’t buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it. Build trust and loyalty Apply the law of Diffusion of Innovations to spread a WHY Maintain clarity of WHY as you grow The Golden Circle applies to individuals too Main Idea 1: People don’t buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it Every organization knows WHAT they do. Some know HOW they do it (unique selling point, differentiation). But few know WHY they do what they do. The WHY is a purpose, belief, or cause. Image Source When we communicate, we tend to communicate what we are clear about. That’s why most people start with WHAT, maybe talk about HOW, and usually don’t talk about WHY. But the inspiring leaders all start with a crystal clear WHY. Then they act in accordance with that WHY, so that WHAT they do is validation of their WHY. Let’s look at two quick examples. Example 1: Apple versus Competitors If Apple were like everyone else, a marketing message would sound like this: “We make great computers. They’re beautifully designed and easy to use. Wanna buy one?” Here’s how Apple actually communicates: “We believe in challenging the status quo and thinking differently. The way we do that is by making our products beautiful and simple-to-use. We just happen to make great computers. Wanna buy one?” WHY, then HOW, then WHAT. It’s much more inspiring. Example 2: Wright Brothers versus Samuel Pierpont Langley Samuel Pierpont Langley had tremendous amounts of funding, he was well educated, he hired the best people money could buy, and the market conditions were ideal. Everyone was rooting for Langley to create the flying machine. Yet most people have never heard of him? Why didn’t he succeed despite having what seemed to be the recipe for success? Oliver and Wilbur Wright had none of what Langley had. They had little money; they payed for their flying experiments with proceeds from their bicycle shop. No one on their team had a college education. No one was rooting for their success. Yet they discovered the flying machine first. The difference is that the Wright brothers had a dream, a clear WHY that they articulated. They believed that if they could figure out the flying machine, it would change the world and tremendously benefit everyone on the planet. The people who believed in the Wright brothers’ WHY worked for them with blood, sweat, and tears. Langley wanted to get rich and famous, the kind of fame of a Thomas Edison or Alexander Graham Bell. But money and fame are not a WHY, they are results, they are WHATs. Langley lacked a WHY, so the people who worked for him just worked for a pay cheque. Furthermore, the day everyone found out the Wright Brothers took flight, Langley quit. He could’ve said, “That’s amazing! Let’s work together to improve the technology!” But he was driven by WHAT, and when that WHAT was gone, he quit. The Golden Circle framework mirrors the biological structure of the brain. Image Source Both WHAT and the neocortex are on the outside, while WHY and the limbic brain are on the inside. The neocortex responds to logic, facts, and figures (all WHATs). The limbic brain responds to beliefs and purpose (WHY). Guess which one has more decision-making power? The limbic brain. But guess which one is responsible for language? The neocortex. That’s why we tend to trust our “gut” (AKA limbic brain) to make decisions; Otherwise we’ll feel really uncomfortable afterwards. But when we try to explain ourselves, we’ll point to facts and figures rather than articulating a WHY because the neocortex, not limbic brain, is responsible for language. Since most companies don’t have a clear WHY, they rely on what Simon calls “manipulations” to drive behavior. Examples: Price cuts: 50% off today only Promotion: buy 1 get 1 free! Fear: Don’t wait to get life insurance or it might be too late Peer pressure: People like you use our product Aspirational messages: In 6 short weeks, you too can be rich Manipulations work to drive behavior in the short-term, but it costs more and more in the long-term. But because manipulations work (in the short-term anyway), they have become the norm. Main Idea 2: Build Trust and Loyalty Simon urges organizations to create loyalty with their customers and employees. To do that, organizations need to first clearly articulate their WHY, then act in harmony with it so that anyone can point to WHAT they do as proof of their WHY. For customers, he explains that “loyalty is when people are willing to turn down a better product or a better price to continue doing business with you.” The reason some companies can succeed repeatedly is due to their loyal followers who root for their success. For employees, loyalty is when they would turn down higher salaries and benefits to work for you. He says, “If you hire people just because they can do your job, they’ll work for money. But if you hire people who believe what you believe, they’ll work for you with blood, sweat, and tears.” To gain clarity on WHY, organizations should ask, “Why did we start doing what we’re doing in the first place? What can we do to bring our cause to life considering all the technologies and market opportunities available today?” Only by being clear about WHY can you then inspire loyalty from customers and employees. Main Idea 3: Apply the law of Diffusion of Innovations to spread a WHY After we are clear on our WHY, we should use it to inspire others. But we shouldn’t aim to do business with everyone, only those who believe in what you believe. Image Source According to the law of Diffusion of Innovations, a product needs to penetrate the left 15–18% of the market for mass market adoption. That’s the tipping point. That means organizations should market to innovators and early adopters. These are the people who believe what you believe. As a result, they will happily pay a premium or suffer inconvenience to be part of your cause. These are the people who stood 6 hours in line to buy the first iPhone. They use your WHAT to demonstrate their WHY. The early majority will not try something until someone else has tried it first. Once you get the left 16% on board, then the early majority will come along, and then the late majority will follow. The laggards don’t care about your why and will always focus on price; it’s not worth the effort to try to appeal to them. Or in Simon’s words, “If you have the discipline to focus on the early adopters, the majority will come along eventually. But it must start with WHY.” Main Idea 4: Maintain clarity of WHY as you grow For many people and organizations, as they achieve more and more, they start to forget their WHY. This happens because the WHATs are easy to measure and there’s more and more WHATs to do, whereas the WHY is often hard to measure. At some point, the WHY gets lost, and Simon calls this point “the split”. Image Source When WHAT we do grows, we need a proportionate increase in how loudly we communicate our WHY. Otherwise, we’ll encounter the split. To grow the volume of our WHY, we should find metrics based on WHY. For example, Dwayne Honore believes in work life balance. When he founded a company, he made employees clock in between 8–8:30AM and clock out by 5–5:30PM. if they clock out later, they lose some of their bonus. The message was loud and clear. As a result, productivity was high because people made use of their time at work, and turnover was low because they had good work-life balance. Main Idea 5: The Golden Circle applies to Individuals too We can apply the Golden Circle to dating, friendships, employment, success, and certainty. Dating The personal version of a business relationship is a dating relationship. In dating, you can use manipulations (fancy diners, aspirational messages, etc.) that secure more dates. That’ll work once, maybe twice. But with time, maintaining that relationship will cost more and more, and trust isn’t built. How you communicate to a date is also important. Date 1 says, “I do consulting for big corporations. I’m rich and famous. I have a big house and a fancy car. I’m on TV all the time. I think I’ve done pretty well for myself.” Date 2 says, “I believe in inspiring others to do what inspires them. I do that by consulting leaders of big corporations, who then inspire all their employees. As a result, I’ve earned lots of wealth and fame, and I’ve bought a big house and fancy car. I’m also on TV often. I think I’ve done pretty well for myself.” Which date do you like more? Which one starts with WHY? Choosing Friends Given that the goal of business is not to sell to everyone, but rather to sell to people who believe what you believe, then the goal of individuals should be to be in relationships with those who believe what we believe. That will give us positive energy. Employment Just as companies shouldn’t just hire anyone who needs a job, but rather hire people who believe what they believe, individuals should work for companies that believe what they believe. The Feeling of Success Another application of the Golden Circle to individuals is the feeling of success. Yes, success is a feeling, and yes, it’s controlled by the limbic brain, which responds to WHY. Simon explains that “Achievement comes when you pursue and attain WHAT you want. Success comes when you are clear in pursuit of WHY you want it… Some people, while in pursuit of success, simply mistake WHAT they achieve as the final destination. This is the reason they never feel satisfied no matter how big their hatch is, no matter how much they achieve.” He says that a WHY “is born out of the upbringing and life experience of an individual or small group”, so we should discover our WHY by looking to our past. When I did this, I realized almost everything I do is for self-growth and helping others, so those two purposes are my WHYs. Three Levels of Certainty When we use only our neocortex to analyze facts to make a decision, we say, “I think it’s right.” When we use only our limbic brain to make a “gut decision”, we say, “It feels right.” We often make gut decisions that go against all the facts, showing the power of the limbic brain to override the neocortex. When WHY is put into words to provide the emotional context for decisions, then we can say, “I know the decision is right.” It feels right and we can rationalize it. It’s a fully-balanced decision. 3. What is my opinion on the book? The book definitely challenged the things I learned in business school. For example, I learned that differentiation in business is all about how and what you do is different, while this book said it should be your WHY. There are other things that business school agrees on with this book, just put in different words and perhaps more simply. For example, business school taught the importance of the customer analysis and their motivation to buy. This book explains it as focusing on WHY customers buy your product. I agree with the author’s main ideas based on my own experiences, and I think marketing classes should teach this concept as a basic. I went to a business school that used the case study method, and the marketing class cases were usually written to focus on the WHAT and the HOW of the product instead of the WHY. I would’ve been helpful to have the WHY more focused in the cases, or at least one case that really focused on the WHY. Would I recommend others to read this book? If you really want to internalize his simple messages, then yes, read the book. Going through all his examples and getting it drilled into you is useful. If you don’t have the time or have other priorities, then just use this summary but focus on implementing it in your life to actually get benefits. 4. How have I applied this book in my life? Recently, I’ve been thinking about recruiting, and there’s always that first question, “Tell me about yourself.” From business school, I’ve been trained to answer by talking about my key accomplishments and strengths and how that’s a good fit for the role. With the perspective of this book, I realize that’s an approach focused on the WHAT and the HOW. I’m going to instead start with the WHY. It would sound something like, “Everything I do, every job I accept, I focus on being excellent at my craft and improving others around me. I do this by taking initiative to do extra work and learn from experts in the field, and by documenting my learnings to share with my colleagues. In every job I’ve done, I can point to specific examples that showcase these two values of mine. Which do you want me to talk about?” I’ve also been on the fence about starting a side project, and while reading this book, I became very clear about the purpose of that side project, and it inspired me to take action and execute. Knowing that I’m only trying to appeal to people who believe what I believe is a lot less daunting than trying to appeal to everyone. While reading this book, I’ve also clarified that two of my core WHYs in life are self-growth and serving others. Now that I’m aware of these two WHYs, I do something towards them every day, and that helps to keep me inspired and energized. If I am considering new projects, I can now reflect on whether or not it’s a good fit for me by thinking about my WHYs. December 2020 Update: Recently, I was asked to make a promotional video for The Global Youth Challenge 2021: World Peace. Basically, it's a worldwide competition that invites secondary school students to submit their ideas on how to increase world peace. When making the video, I immediately thought about Start with Why. Normally, these promo videos might say something like, "Join the Global Youth Challenge! You can win money! It's good for your resume! Sign up at this website!." It's all focused on the What and the How. Since I remembered Start with Why, I messaged it like this: "Why do you go to school? To learn knowledge. Why do you learn knowledge? To apply it in real life. How should you apply it in real life? To repay gratitude to all the people who allow you to go to school. Who are those people? The whole world! What should you do to benefit the world? Join the Global Youth Challenge 2021." By starting with Why, the message felt less sales-y and leaves a deeper, better impression.

Published Date: Sunday, September 22, 2019 Hi All! Here are this week's chosen learning points: Risk Mitigation: We've probably heard of known unknowns versus unknown unknowns in risk mitigation. There are also unknown knowns, which according to Slavoj Zlzek are "the things that we know, or that we should know, but maintain willful ignorance about, because we’d rather not acknowledge them." (Source) Social Comparison: "Everything we do will be judged, but we can't let that judgement stop us...if we live within the confines and prisons of judgement, of our own or others, then we let that be our sentence for life." -Jay Shetty Listen better by using SLANT (Source): Sit up straight, Lean forward Ask questions Nod your head Track the speaker with your eyes. Here are this week's recommended actions: Think back to a mistake you made. Identify any unknown knowns that could have helped you if you had acknowledge them. Reflect on whether you're confining yourself to Try the SLANT method to listen better in a meeting this week. I tried this and sitting up straight is probably has the biggest impact for me. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

Published Date: September 15, 2019 Hi All! Here are this week's chosen learning points: Intuition vs. Logic: We shouldn't rely solely on logic nor solely on intuition. We should start with our intuition, then gather data to validate it. If there's a disagreement between your feelings and the data, slow down and figure out why. Then make an informed trade-off decision. (Source) A Mantra to Try: Say "Yes, thank you" to things and events throughout the day. (Source) | The author, Pete Holmes, views it as a way to be more present; I found it to be really useful as a way to get rid of anger and annoyance via reframing. Relationship Evolution: "As we get more mature and gain self-awareness, it's very normal for people to change. And hence what they like changes too. And the biggest mistake we can make in a relationship is expect people to stay the same or to always like the same things." -Jay Shetty Here are this week's recommended actions: For one decision this week, be very conscious about your intuition and the facts, and whether or not they align. For one day, say "Yes thank you" throughout the day, especially at things that annoy you. Reflect on whether if you are holding onto any outdated expectations in an important relationship. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

Published Date: Sunday, September 8, 2019 Hi All! This week's newsletter is about Blue Zones, which are places in the world where people live the longest and free of chronic diseases. Examples include Okinawa, Sardinia, Nicoya Peninsula, and Loma Linda. Blue Zones give us guidance on how to live a long, happy, and healthy life. The sources are this interview and this Ted Talk. Here are this week's chosen learning points: Diet: 90-98% of what they eat is low-processed plant-based foods. On average, they eat meat 5 times a month and fish a few times a week. No cow dairy. They drink 6 glasses of water a day. They may drink 1-2 glasses of wine with friends over a meal. They eat mindfully and stop when 80% full. Exercise: People in blue zones don't "work out" by going to the gym a few times a week to do intense exercise. Instead, they're always moving around naturally, whether its doing housework, running errands or visiting friends. They are constantly and unconsciously doing low-intensity exercise. Companions and Community: They often belong to a tight faith-based community. They surround themselves with people who are healthy influences on them. They prioritize taking care of children and aging parents. Sense of Purpose: They can clearly articulate why they get out of bed every morning. They usually have a specific word for it, like Ikigai. Here are this week's recommended actions: Walk more. Take the stairs instead of elevators. Increase the ratio of low-processed plant-based food in your diet. Add healthy influences to your daily content intake, whether that's social media, books, or podcasts. I'm trying to do that on Twitter and Instagram! Reflect on your purpose. To learn more about Ikigai, you can check out this blog post or this Ted Talk. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

Here are my key highlights taken from the book Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen. You should read this post (and perhaps the book) if you are preparing for a difficult conversation or experiencing communication challenges with people. In this summary, I answer four questions: What is this book about? What are the main ideas and arguments? What is my opinion on the book? What was the significance of reading this book? I hope it will be of use to you if/when you have difficult conversations. 1: What is this book about? This is a practical book about how to effectively navigate and execute difficult conversations. The authors wrote this book because people simply don’t know how to handle these low-frequency but high-impact conversations. Even worse, their natural reactions in those situations are not only counter-productive but downright detrimental. The thesis of this book is that we need to transform difficult conversations into learning conversations. To do that, we need to do a lot of heavy-lifting in preparation. The preparation work primarily involves getting clarity on Three Conversations: what happened, your feelings, and your identity. Then, during the face-to-face conversation, we’ll need to guide the direction and constantly re-direct the conversation back on course. Only when both sides feel understood can problem-solving occur. It will likely take many attempts to solve the problem. While certainly not easy, the benefits of implementing the book’s recommendations are well worth the effort. 2: What are the main ideas and arguments? The authors’ main ideas are expressed in a checklist for handling difficult conversations. To understand the checklist, we first need to define some key terms. 2.1 Key Terms The book uses many important key terms that I will define here: Difficult conversation, The Three Conversations, intention, contribution, learning conversation, The Third Story, reframing, listening. Difficult Conversation The authors define a difficult conversation as anything you find hard to talk about. Usually, these topics are really important to us, and we feel vulnerable talking about them. Examples include Asking for a raise Ending a relationship Giving criticism Apologizing Saying no to someone in need Confronting someone's disrespectful/hurtful behavior Disagreeing with the majority in a group The Three Conversations: The authors divide difficult conversations into three parts: The What Happened? Conversation The Feelings Conversation The Identity Conversation We must get clarity in all three conversations for ourselves before talking to the other person about these three conversations. The What Happened? Conversation: The first of the Three Conversations, the What Happened? Conversation is about your view of the story, how you arrived at your view via your interpretations of the facts available to you, and your intentions. It also looks at the contribution (see definition below) of both sides that led to the problem. The authors argue that the problem is not getting the facts right. Rather, the problem is that there’s conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values that the two sides don’t understand about each other. To make progress, both sides need to focus on learning about each other’s perspectives. Intentions: Intention is the reason behind an action. It can be positive (to help someone), negative (to hurt someone), or neutral (unrelated to someone). The authors argue that we need to fight our automatic act of assuming negative intentions from the other party. Instead, we should assume complex intentions that have positive, neutral/unrelated, and negative elements. The authors also argue that during the conversation, we should not focus on executing certain actions or saying specific phrases. Rather, we need authentically good intentions, such as to understand them better and to solve the problem. To quote the book, “If your intentions are good, even clumsy language won’t hinder you.” Contribution: It’s never 100% one person’s fault; both sides contributed to the problem. The authors argue we should focus on contribution rather than blame. The Feelings Conversation: The second of the Three Conversations, the Feelings Conversation is about getting clarity on your feelings. To do this, we need to reflect on both sides’ contribution, intentions, and impact on the other party. The authors make several important points about the Feelings Conversation: The process of clarifying our initially strong feelings can actually change them. We shouldn’t express our feelings to the other party until we are clear on them. Once we are clear on our feelings, we need to express all our feelings, otherwise, we will still feel the urge to blame. (this applies to both sides) When we do express our feelings, the intention must not be to accuse or blame the other party. Rather, the intention should be purely to state the impact on us so that they don’t have false assumptions or information gaps. Only when both sides no longer have the urge to blame can the conversation move to the problem-solving stage. The Identity Conversation: The third of the Three Conversations, the Identity Conversation is about facing yourself and your values. This conversation asks three big questions: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? The authors argue people need to stop viewing their identity as a dichotomy (e.g., I am competent or not competent, good or bad, worthy or not worthy) and instead view it as highly complex. To do this, we should use the word AND in our identity. For example, I am a good person AND I have done bad things AND I’m working on forgiving myself AND I am still worthy of love despite my faults. The authors also argue that getting your identity attacked during difficult conversations is inevitable. Therefore, the important thing is regaining your balance quickly. To do that, you must accept your identity as complex and verbalize it when the attacks happen. Learning Conversation: A learning conversation is what difficult conversations should become if the guidelines from the book are implemented. It’s a conversation that effectively resolves the problems present in difficult conversations. The Third Story: In a difficult conversation, each party see’s their side of the story. The Third Story is the perspective of an impartial observer. The impartial observer focuses on the difference between the two parties’ stories and does not side with either of them. A Learning Conversation starts with the Third Story. Reframing: Reframing is when you take something counter-productive said by the other party and link it back to the Three Conversations so that the conversation stays productive. The author argues that the other party will most likely continuously steer the conversation off-track, so it will be your job to steer it back on-track by using reframing. Listening: Listening in this case means listening with a curious mindset, with the intention of understanding the other person and making sure they feel heard and understood. The author argues that Listening is the most powerful tool to keep the conversation constructive because the conversation can’t move in a more positive direction until the other person feels understood. The author argues that Listening is the most powerful tool to keep the conversation constructive because the conversation can’t move in a more positive direction until the other person feels understood. 2.2 The Checklist Step 1: Prepare by going through the Three Conversations for both sides. What happened? (both stories, intentions, and contribution) Be clear on your emotions Ground your identity Step 2: Check your purposes and decide whether to even raise the conversation. Good purposes: learning, sharing, and problem solving Bad purposes: blaming, judging Step 3: If you decide to raise the issue, start from the Third Story. Describe the problem as the difference between your two stories. Share your purposes for raising the issue Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the conversation together Step 4: Explore their Three Stories. Then yours. Listen to understand Show that you understand by paraphrasing Share your own view without judging them When they bring the conversation off-course, reframe it back on track Step 5: Problem solve. Invent new options that meet both sides’ needs Look into standards about what should happen Talk about how to keep communications open going forward To accompany this checklist is a list of mistakes and actions-to-do instead. To accompany this checklist is a list of mistakes and actions-to-do instead. 3: What is my opinion on the book? I think the book was well worth the read and the effort I put in to understand it. To me, the biggest insights were Don’t focus on specific actions or phrases; instead, focus on being authentic and having a genuine intention Focusing on Contribution instead of blame Intentions aren’t black or white; they are complex mixtures Starting the conversation with the Third Story People won’t be ready for change until they feel understood If we don’t express all our feelings, we will still feel the urge to blame 4: What was the significance of reading this book? When I was reading this book, I didn’t have any major difficult conversation happening in my life, but I did about a year ago, and I sure wish I had read the book then. Looking back, I made all the mistakes the book pointed out, including focusing on blame, assuming negative intentions, starting the conversation from my perspective, believing I had all the facts, retaliating when attacked, and assuming the problem can be solved in one conversation. I suspect I will encounter difficult conversations in the future. So after reading this book and writing down my notes, I feel much more ready to handle difficult conversations in the future.

Published Date: June 30, 2019 Hi All! Here are this week's chosen learning points: Career Advancement: For hard skills, we should enhance our natural strengths. For soft skills (emotional skills), we should focus on improving our weaknesses. (Source) Laughter: In the 1950's, people laughed 18 minutes a day. Nowadays, people only laugh 6 minutes a day. (Source) Relationship Quote: "When you like a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily." (attribution unknown) Here are this week's recommended actions: Identify your natural strengths by what you love to help people with or advise them on. Schedule more of that into your days or week. To improve weaknesses in emotional skills, I recommend checking out this summary of Daniel Goleman's book, Emotional Intelligence, or just searching his name on YouTube for resources. Share a joke with someone (I would love to hear them! See below for the joke I'm sharing). Do something to "water your loved flowers" daily this week. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead! --- Joke I'm sharing: Once upon a time, a diligent farmer reaped a huge, magnificent watermelon. He took it to the palace and gave it to the king as an offering. The king, extremely happy, told his servant to reward the farmer with the palace's most sturdiest and majestic horse. Soon, word spread throughout the whole nation. A wealthy man thought, "If the king rewards a watermelon offering with a horse, then if I donate a horse, how much gold or beautiful women would the king reward?" So the rich man went to the palace and offered the king a study and majestic horse. The king, equally happy as before, told his servant, "Get me that farmer's huge, magnificent watermelon, and give it to this man as a token of thanks for the horse!"

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily." -Attribution Unknown Commentary: In our busy modern society, we often forget to spend meaningful time with our loved ones. But just like how flowers need a small amount of daily watering, our relationships need a small amount of daily watering. It could be as simple as giving that person 5 minutes of focused attention, where you ask them about their day and listen with genuine interest.

Published Date: Sunday, September 1, 2019 Hi All! Here are this week's chosen learning points: Stress: How we view stress affects our perception of it. Intermittent stress (not chronic) actually boosts performance and is a good thing. (Source) Trust: "When words and actions don't match, pay attention to the actions." -Victor Cheng Complaining: If you're going through a tough time, give yourself 10 minutes a day to complain, scream, whatever, in private. Then no more for the rest of the day. If anything comes up later, save it for tomorrow. You'll find that you often don't even need the full 10 minutes before you get tired of complaining, and what seemed like a big deal yesterday will seem trivial today. -Paraphrased from Kate Sackhoff on this interview Here are this week's recommended actions: Thank all the good, temporary stress that you have that's allowing you to perform better than with no stress at all. Reflect on whether your actions match your words. Align them to become trustworthy. If you're going through a tough time, try out Kate Sackhoff's 10-minute venting suggestion. If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!