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If others have an important and urgent task, I will communicate about a timeline and confirm exactly Towards family When I’m at home with my mother, we set a meeting time after dinner every day to be open communication

Recently, I visited and caught up with some friends in different places in China and Canada as I return home to Toronto from China, and these two concepts have recurred over and over: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract.   These two ideas are interrelated, but the first one is arguably more fundamental because what we focus on determines our energy, and then the energy that we give others is the energy we attract back. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3  , 4 , 5 Unfortunately, we often don't have the awareness that we are focusing on the negative, or that we give others negative energy, and then we get upset that they return negative energy back at us. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose what we focus on. We can choose the energy we return to others. But this takes awareness and training. Below are some examples: Chores Career Change Dealing With Rudeness Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy Example 1: Chores One person was upset that his wife didn't do a lot of the chores around the house. For context, he works 10-hour days, and a clean and organized house is very important to him. Doing chores is a big stress for him, and since his wife is only working part-time, he really expects her to take on more of the chores.   There were a few times where he and his wife were hanging out with friends, and he said that his wife doesn't do chores around the house. His wife got really upset because from her perspective, she does a lot of the chores around the house. She asked her husband about this matter, and he clarified that he meant she doesn't do enough around the house. Her wife then complains that "enough" is ambiguous, and he doesn't see all her effort and doesn't appreciate her enough. One of the biggest learnings I've had from ancient philosophy with regards to solving interpersonal conflicts is that most people get stuck arguing about the matter , and they aren't conscious of the energy  they bring to the matter. Put simply: The key to solving conflicts isn't in the matter, but rather in our mindset towards the problem and the energy we hold. What we focus on, grows. The energy we give is the energy we'll attract. Such is the law of karma.   One time, I was talking to the wife about how she and him are doing, and the topic of chores came up. I asked her, "Has he ever said words of appreciation to you though?"   She said, "Yeah, but rarely."   I asked, "Can you give me an example?"   She said, "Well, I remember one time I cleaned the house, and he said thanks for cleaning the house."   I said, "OK, and how did you respond to him?"   She said, "I don't remember. I think I just nodded or smiled."   I said, "If I were you, I would have shown that I'm really happy to hear those words and said, 'Hearing your thanks makes me really happy!'  And then give him a hug."   She looked at me a bit skeptically and said, "Really…? But I did so much work, the least he should do is give me a thanks… It's basic politeness. Why should I be so over-the-top?"   I replied, "There's the word that kills relationships: should . At the beginning of the relationship, you both tried so hard for each other, and neither of you took anything from each other for granted. As time goes on in any relationship, we start taking each other for granted. We take it for granted that they should give us a nice birthday gift. We take it for granted that they do the chores. We take it for granted that they say nice things to us. Usually, we take our family members for granted the most, but let's not go on that tangent right now…   If someone takes you for granted, do you want to keep giving to them? Of course not. The energy of entitlement repels people. The energy of gratitude attracts more. What you focus on, grows. If you focus on the other person's contributions and good points, those will grow, and their bad points will be overshadowed. If you focus on their bad points, then those will grow, and you'll become blind to their good points and contributions, which will really hurt the relationship and your own happiness. It's not that he doesn't have good points, it's that you’ve filtered them out.   So when you just nod after he thanks you, as if that's something you're entitled to, does he feel encouraged to repeat that behavior? It's already not a natural behavior for him. Due to his upbringing and personality, he is not used to giving words of affirmation, so when he goes out of his comfort zone and tries to give it to you, you really gotta encourage him!   On the flip side, if you criticize him for not being appreciative enough, do you think he'll feel encouraged to give you more words of appreciation? Negative attracts negative. What does the energy of criticism attract? Defensiveness. He'll argue back and say, 'Why do I need to praise you for every little thing? Do you really need praise for washing the dishes each time?'  Why does he say things like that? Because you gave him negative energy first. What you give out, you attract back."   She looked a bit more convinced and said, "OK, I see your point. I guess I could do more encouraging instead of demanding."   I gave another example to try to hit the point home. I said, "You know how you're very upset when he said that you don't do any chores around the house? What do you think his goal is in saying that? He probably hopes you'll do more chores, right? But do you feel more motivated to do more chores after hearing that? Of course not. In fact, you might feel motivated to rebel and not do chores just because you're upset at him. When he focused on the negative, he got more of the negative out of you.   Now imagine if he often tells his friends,  'My wife is so great because she knows I hate doing chores, and she goes out of her way to do all the chores around the house.'  And he says this many times to different friends. How would you feel? Maybe you'll clarify to those friends, 'Well, I don't do ALL the chores, he does some too.'  But afterwards, you'll feel very appreciated and more motivated to do the chores, and the next time you do chores, you might even take initiative to do more chores because of his praise. After all, it's human sentiment to want to be worthy of the praise that we receive."   By now, she nodded and looked fully convinced. Later, I clarified to her, "Just to be clear, I am not implying that only you are at fault here. The reason I focused on your problems is because I am talking to you. If I were talking to your husband, I would tell him to be more appreciative and give more praise when you do the chores.   But a big trap that we fall into is focusing on the other person's faults. Remember, what you focus on, grows. If we focus on other people's faults, that's negative energy, and that will attract more negative things. We'll feel unhappy first. Then we'll have a shorter temper and criticize them for stuff, creating more negativity for everyone.   If we can tolerate people's shortcomings (after all, everyone, including ourselves, have shortcomings) and focus on their good points, that's positive energy, and that will attract more positive things. We'll often notice and praise their goodness, which then encourages them to grow their goodness."   Example 2: Career Change Another friend is about to go do her master's degree in the US, and I asked her what she plans to do with her business here in Canada. She said that she's probably going to shut it down. I was surprised and said, "Last time we chatted, I remember you were planning to let your husband run it?"   She said, "Yeah, but after more contemplation, I don't think he is capable of running it himself."   I asked,  "Then what will he do for income?"   She said, "Oh actually, he started doing translation work for elderly people visiting hospitals, and he's actually really suited for it. He always goes out of his way to give the best service for them."   I said, "Wow, that's awesome! If I were you, I'd really praise him and encourage him towards that as a way to help him let go of the business."   She asked,  "What do you mean?"   I said, "Well, everyone has an ego. If you tell him to let go of the business because he can't handle it himself, he'll probably cling even tighter and want to prove that he can handle it himself. But if you praise his translation work and use that as a reason for letting go of the business, he'll be less resistant."   She said, "Oh now that you mention it, I have been criticizing him and saying things like 'You're not suited to lead the business. Why don't you do something else?'  And indeed, he argues back."   I replied, "Yeah, the energy you give is the energy you attract. If you criticize others, you attract defensiveness. If you demand others, you attract resistance. If you encourage and praise others, you attract cooperation.   If I were you, I might say something like, 'Oh wow you're really great at this translation job, and you're literally helping to save these elderly people's lives. I'm sure they and their whole family are super grateful. Not only is this really meaningful work, you're also way more suited for this than being a businessman, and honestly, I think you're happier doing this. Since I'm going to be away in the US for the time being, why don't we stop the business temporarily so that you can have more time to focus on and grow the translation work?' Of course, change needs to be gradual, so maybe he can progressively reduce the business' scale and gradually increase the amount of translation work he does. "   Example 3: Dealing With Rudeness I recently started tutoring English to two students around 10-12 years old. The second week, when I went to the tutoring center, another teacher told me that there's a new student in my class (let's call him Bob), and this student is a big headache. She told me, "Bob's parents really spoiled him, and he is very rude and disrespectful towards others. He calls his classmates names and often says dirty words. It will take some time to help him change his behavior."   When I heard all this, I thought to myself, "A good beginning is halfway to success. I need to be very careful at the beginning. First, I need to respect him. If I am judgmental towards him, that will attract opposition from him.   Second, I need to focus on his goodness and potential; what I focus on will grow. Everyone has innate goodness , so I need to focus my energy on noticing his good points and praising them.   Third, If he does rude behavior, I won't criticize him with negative energy; I will respectfully discuss with him and try to reason with him first. If reason doesn't work, then I will be firm in my principles and in executing class rules. This is to respect the other students and teach him how to be a proper person, not to vent annoyance."   After I set my mindset straight, I talked to the other two classmates in private and asked them about Bob. As expected, they complained a lot about him. I told them, "I need your help. I need you guys to help me role model respect towards him. Bob is not rude for no reason. He didn't have respectful role models around him when growing up, so all he knows is rude behavior. So now, we need to keep modeling respect towards him despite his rudeness, and slowly, he'll feel ashamed and change his ways. So no matter how rude Bob treats us, we need to return respect to him. I know it's not easy, but I believe you can do it. And for each time you can return rudeness with respect, I'll give you guys a point. After ten points, I'll give you guys a nice reward. How does that sound?" They agreed.   In that first class, I focused on role modeling respect myself. I told everyone, "Originally, this class was supposed to be done in English, but since our new classmate doesn't know English, and we respect him, today, I will do the class in Chinese. In the future, we'll slowly add more English into our class."   When the other two classmates spoke English out of habit, I reminded them that we should speak Chinese. We played a self-introduction game, and I asked who wants to go first. All three students wanted to. I said, "Let's follow etiquette here. We should let the eldest go first."   Bob had a sour look on his face, but he didn't argue back, and that's what I focused on. I said, "Thank you Bob for letting your older classmate go first. That's very polite of you."   Later, Bob called another classmate a rude name. I paused the class and asked Bob, "Why did you call her that name?"   He said, "Because it's funny."   I asked, "Do you like it if other people call you names?"   He said, "I don't think it's a problem. My friends call me names too."   I asked the other classmate, "How do you feel when he calls you names?"   She said, "I am unhappy."   I asked Bob, "You made her feel unhappy. Do you like it when other people make you feel unhappy?"   He stayed silent for a while, and I waited patiently for his response. Finally, he said, "No."   I said, "If we want others to treat us well and make us happy, we need to treat others well and make them happy. If we don't want others to make us unhappy, we must take care not to do that to others. It's a simple rule of relationships. Since you hurt her feelings, what do you think you can do now?"   He said very quickly, "OK got it got it. Sorry."   At this point, I could have focused on his politeness being "half empty", but instead, I viewed it as "half full" and said, "Great job. It's not easy to apologize, and I commend you for that. You get one point." There were other similar incidents where he behaved rudely, and I had to make judgment calls. If it's a small thing, I might let it go because I don't want to become naggy. But if it's a big enough deal, or if I've already let some things slide, I will remind him again, firmly but patiently.   From my first class with him, I truly felt that he isn't trying to be a villain; he's just used to behaving like this, and it takes time to change his habits. He listens to reason, and afterwards, I can see him there frowning and trying to do the polite thing. I actually felt quite touched by his effort, and I think the whole class can learn a lot more about respect and politeness thanks to Bob. As long as I focus on setting a good example myself, we will have harmony, and so long as I focus on his goodness, I can bring out more of his goodness.   Example 4: Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy I recently had a misunderstanding with my mother that almost resulted in an argument. Basically, it was raining one day, and she was rushing to go plant some seedlings that she just got from a neighbor. I remember she often says to me that traveling is too tiring, as if hinting that I shouldn't travel so much. So I commented in passing, "Since you enjoy gardening, you don't feel like rushing to plant seedlings in the rain is a big deal. Similarly, I don't think traveling around is as tiring as you make it sound to be. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and we shouldn't use our standards to judge others."   Later that day, I noticed she was very grumpy. I asked her what's wrong. She said, "Do you think I LIKE going out in the rain to plant seedlings? I do it because I want us to eat healthy, organic, and fresh food. You just take it for granted that you can eat all this fresh produce and don't see how difficult it is for me to plant them. Otherwise, you go buy them from the grocery store and see how expensive it is. Oh right, you young people don't care about price. You enjoy flying around and spending lots of money. You say you're not tired from traveling, but clearly you've been sleeping a lot since you got back."   She continued venting for quite a while about many different things that I won't go into details about, and I was quite taken aback. The longer I listened, the more negative energy I absorbed, and the more I wanted to argue back, to point out the errors in her understanding of my situation, and to defend my innocence. But I told myself, "I know from countless past experiences that arguing will only create a negative spiral. No matter what, I must return positive and peaceful energy to her, and I must not argue."   After she finished talking, I replied, "I'm not sure what happened and why that comment made you so upset. I never intended to upset you, but you got very upset by it, so that's my fault, and I'm sorry." At this point, I could already see her face soften up. I continued, "I know you work very hard to plant the garden and give us fresh, healthy produce, and I do appreciate it. I try to contribute too. I cook and clean, right? If it's not enough, you could just ask me, 'Do you have time to help out in the garden or do more chores?'  It's not that I'm not willing to do more, I just didn't know you wanted me to, and it would be much better for our harmony if you could simply ask me instead of criticizing me for having bad intentions."   She nodded and said, "I'm sorry too. I do know you contribute, and I'm not saying you need to do more. Maybe there's been a lot of unexpected matters recently that accumulated stress for me, so I over-reacted to your words."   Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. For most people, I might just stop the conversation there, but since my mother studies Buddhism, I went further and admonished her. I said, " Honestly, I think the root of your unhappiness here is not what I said or what I did. If someone else heard my off-hand comment, would they get so upset like you? Probably not. I think the root of the problem is you assuming bad intentions in others.    We've been learning Buddhism for years now, and one of the most fundamental teachings is empathy and compassion, to let go of "how I feel" and focus on making others happy. Think about it, do you really think I would purposely try to make you angry? Do you think anyone wakes up and thinks, 'Today I'm going to make somebody angry because, why not?'   Given that I'm not trying to make you angry, given that my comment probably had neutral or even positive intentions, why do you get so angry? Why don't you think a bit longer about how their intention might be neutral or positive? Isn't it a bit unfair to vent anger on someone who didn't intend to make you angry? Shouldn't we confirm their intentions before making our judgment? Isn't that how we practice empathy and compassion?"   She laughed and said,  "OK, that's a good point. I need to do a better job practicing the teachings."   Sincere and respectful admonishment attracts appreciation. I said, "Honestly, I was really, really close to arguing with you just like in the past. But this time, I just recently came back from visiting many friends, and they gave me a deep impression that the energy we give is the energy we get back. I told them to focus on giving positive energy instead of negative energy, to encourage the behavior they want in their partners rather than always criticizing the behavior they don't want. This is all still fresh in my mind, so today, I told myself I must return negative energy with positive energy, and that's why we didn't spiral down into an argument. So we need to be thankful to my friends from my travels."   Concluding Thoughts Do you focus more on the positive or the negative? The good or the bad? What you focus on, grows. Do you give more positive energy or negative energy to others? It's what you'll attract back. Do you criticize the behavior you dislike more, or praise the behavior you do like more? If they rarely do the behavior you want them to do, then it might be because you're not attracting it. Are you able to return negative energy with positive energy? It's key for resolving conflicts. Weekly Wisdom #307

Those in the imperial palace are living an extravagant life, while us common folk are withering.

I've had to communicate with my own mother on my daughter's behalf to not feed her so much. It is not an easy subject to communicate.

I recently heard the saying, "You can either be right or you can be in a relationship." Upon Googling, I didn't find an attribution, but I did find another version that goes, "You can either be right or you can be happy." Both are very thought provoking! For a relationship to be healthy, we have to care more about the relationship than ourselves. Stated in mathematical terms, Healthy Relationship = Selflessness > Selfishness Our desire to be right is a sign of a strong ego, and the ego only cares about itself. Satisfying the ego may result in short-term pleasure but leads to long-term pain. For example, your partner may yield to your stubbornness a few times, but after a while, they might explode in rage or turn completely cold. So how can we overcome this bad habit? The best way is to care about the other person more than yourself. Their happiness is your happiness. Their frustration is your frustration. In an argument, you would naturally focus more on consoling their emotions and less on debating logic. It might be hard for us to make a 180 degree shift from always wanting to be right to suddenly being very emotionally caring, so a stepping stone is to contemplate the logic of being right. The fact is, everyone sees things differently, so even if I can't see things from their perspective right now, I can at least accept that they are seeing the situation from a different set of eyes and background, and their view is no less valid than my view. To give a concrete example, some people see a young woman in this picture, while others see an old woman: Image Source Both perspectives are valid. (In case you don't see it, the young woman's ear is the old woman's eye. The young woman's necklace is the old woman's mouth. The young woman's jaw is the old woman's nose.) Given that different perspectives are all valid, a motto I follow in relationships is "Harmony is always right." In other words, if I yield my perspective to harmony, then I am right. My Experience I have a bad habit of always wanting to be right, but I'm working hard on correcting it. For example, recently I went to buy some groceries. My mother told me to not buy too much because there's lots of stuff in the garden. When I came home, my mother said, "Why did you buy so much?!" To which I replied, "What do you mean? I didn't buy much at all. Plus it's mostly stuff that can last a long time in the fridge." That response showed that I instinctively valued my ego more than the other person's feelings. If I truly had the other person in mind, I would have said, "Oh I'm sorry for startling you. I didn't forget your instructions, but maybe I didn't understand what you mean by 'too much' so could you explain so that next time I won't make the same mistake?" This situation is analogous to the picture above. I see the groceries and think it's not much. She sees the groceries and thinks it's a lot. Both views are valid. The important thing is to value the other person's emotional wellbeing above my own ego. Conclusion The next time you feel the urge to be right, remember that both your perspectives are valid, and harmony is always right.

I appreciate you trying to communicate with me about this matter, and I want us to both be happy and I'm sure we can solve this matter with some communication."   interviewed many doctors in different departments at the hospital, and I asked them about the most common

This article will discuss three common New Year’s resolutions in greater detail and offer some tips for Your Physical Health Losing weight, exercising more, and eating healthier foods are some of the most common Financial Health Like bettering your health and well-being, achieving financial security is another common Therapy helps to improve communication skills, address and resolve relationship issues, strengthen bonds (Phrasing is super important here) Relationships require communication and appreciation, and these four

If communication doesn't flow smoothly, misunderstandings and conflicts arise. If communication is completely obstructed, then that relationship is in jeopardy.  

This kind of person isn't easy to find in a world where naysayers are common, that is people who usually

Have you ever been in an embarrassing situation and not know what to do in the moment? Recently, I was at a lunch event with one of my teachers, Venerable Chengde, and someone did something quite embarrassing. I was really impressed by the way my teacher handled the situation. Basically, lots of people were talking with my teacher and inviting him to give lectures at different places. He said, "I appreciate the invitations, but I really need to settle down and improve my own abilities first. Otherwise, I don't have much to help others with. Also, this year has been extremely busy for me. As you can see, I'm becoming more and more skinny. This is setting a bad example for people. If I don't make some adjustments, I'll end up heroically sacrificing myself." Then the person beside my teacher started clapping with a big smile. Immediately after, the person beside that person said, "What are you doing?! You can't clap!" He probably misunderstood Venerable Chengde's words, and when he realized that no one wants Venerable Chengde to die from exhaustion, he felt really embarrassed. I was thinking, "Well, this is quite awkward…" Then, Venerable Chengde said: "It's okay. We need to see the intention behind his action." Image Source Then he shared a couple stories: When I was studying under Venerable Jing Kong in Australia, there was a special guest who requested to sit near Venerable Jing Kong. That night at dinner, she found out her seat was right beside Venerable Jing Kong. She was quite startled and told the organizer 'I said closer, but not this close!' She was probably nervous because Venerable Jing Kong has such high prestige. Anyway, as they were eating, she suddenly said, 'Venerable Jing Kong, you truly have natural radiance!' Immediately, the person beside her said, "This isn't natural radiance! This is the magnificent image of Buddhism!" Suddenly, the atmosphere got really awkward, and no one knew what to say. Then, Venerable Jing Kong said, "Natural radiance is good." Immediately, she signed a breath of relief. You see, Venerable Jing Kong saw the intention behind her actions. To her, 'natural radiance' is already the biggest compliment she could come up with. She doesn't have 'magnificent image of Buddhism' in her vocabulary bank. The person who criticized her only saw her action, but not the intention behind her actions. A similar situation happened to the Buddha. One day, he went out to beg for food as usual. There was a little girl playing happily with some mud. When she saw the magnificent image of the Buddha, she felt extremely moved, and she rushed over to give him the mud she was playing with. When she put the mud in the Buddha's bowl, the student beside the Buddha got really angry and said, "What are you doing?! You can't put mud in the Buddha's bowl!" The Buddha immediately stopped his student and his, "It's okay. Today, I received treasure. Thank you." You see, the student was overly focused on the girl's actions, so he got angry. But the Buddha saw the intention behind the action. To that little girl, the mud was her favorite thing in the world, and she was willing to give it to the Buddha. That is precious. Likewise, we need to see the intention behind this person when he clapped for me. My feeling is that he has a strong sense of heroism, and he is willing to sacrifice himself for others, and that is very precious." After my teacher finished speaking, everyone's look towards that man changed from awkwardness to smiles. He himself felt relieved. My Reflection Oftentimes, people have positive or neutral intentions, but we misinterpret their intentions as negative, or we just overly focus on their actions. As a result, we create awkwardness, or even worse, conflict, when we really didn't need to. For example, one time my neighbor brought over a lot of pears from his pear tree to my house. I said to my mother, "Wow, that's a lot of pears." Shortly after, another neighbor came over, so I gave some of the pears to that neighbor. Later, my mother later said, "Why did you give so many pears to them? You should've consulted with me first! I had other plans for those pears." I felt upset because I thought I was doing a good thing to share the pears with others. My mother was logically correct that I should have checked with her first, but I would have felt better if she could affirm my intentions first by saying, "It's great that you like to share good things with others, but next time you should check with me first. After all, the neighbor gave it to us, not you, and I might have other plans for those pears." But anyway, we cannot demand others to change, we can only change ourselves. Therefore, I can cultivate my humility and remind myself to never assume negative intentions. Instead, either assume positive intentions from others, or check their intentions. I heard another example where a student was really tired and overslept past breakfast. When she woke up, she was angry at her roommate for not waking her up to go eat breakfast. Her roommate got upset too because she thought it would be better to let her sleep more since she was so tired. It would have been much better if the person said, "Hey I just wanted to ask why you did not wake me up for breakfast? Oh thank you for being considerate and letting me sleep more. Sorry for making you worry. By the way, next time, could you wake me up and ask me if I want to go to breakfast? That way I can decide myself. Thank you." To give one last example, one time I was chatting with some teachers, students, and parents. Everyone was sitting except for another teacher, myself, and a student. After a while, that student went to grab a chair. After the student sat on the chair for a few minutes, his mother suddenly said, "What are you doing? You should get chairs for the teachers!" The student probably had neutral intentions; he simply didn't think to get chairs for the teachers, but he was not purposely trying to be disrespectful. The parent was overly focused on the action and didn't consider her son's intentions, nor did she consider how her words would make her son and the people there feel very awkward. Then the other teacher said, "Oh thank you for warming up the seat for me!" Everyone laughed, and the student did not feel so awkward afterwards. Conclusion Don't overly focus on people's actions. Instead, see the intention behind their actions. Even better, always assume positive intentions; it can only make the situation better. Weekly Wisdom #238

I recently watched a heartwarming movie called The Ron Clark Story, and it's based on a real story about a teacher, Ron Clark, who tries to turn around the toughest, naughtiest sixth grade class in New York. It is a story about pursuing dreams, overcoming challenges, and building relationships. We may not all be teachers, but this movie can be insightful and inspirational for all of us. Image Source The film won multiple awards, including the Family Film Awards for Best TV Movie/Drama. It is a great watch for all audiences, and it can be found on YouTube for free here. Below, I'm going to give a summary (spoiler alert) and then share my learnings. Part 1: Summary 1.1 Beginning Ron Clark is a talented elementary school teacher from a small town in North Carolina, and his students do exceptionally well on standardized tests. His school hopes he will stay forever, but after reading all the news about troubled schools in New York, he feels that New York needs him the most. Hence, he packs his bags and heads to the metropolis. After arriving in New York, he first stays in a motel while looking for a job. It took quite a while, and he ran out of cash, so he got a part-time gig at a restaurant. Eventually, he arrives at Inner Harlem Elementary School, where a teacher had just quit because a student tried to assault him. Ron tells the principal that he could replace that teacher today. After the principal looked at his resume, he offered Ron a good class, probably out of fear that Ron would quit just like the previous teacher if given the naughty class. However, Ron happily insisted that he wants the naughty class because he knew that's where he could make the most impact. It was Friday, and the principal told him he can start on Monday. 1.2 Starting His New Job Over the weekend, Ron visits the families of all his students, hoping to get the parents cooperation and support throughout the school year. He soon finds out that each family is challenged, overworked, or messed up in their own way. On Monday, he starts teaching the naughty class with his big ideals, and he quickly realizes that this class is unlike any he's ever faced before. In fact, it's challenging beyond his wildest imagination. He gives his utmost love and care to the class, but the class only gives back disrespect and even hostility. Occasionally, Ron has small successes in getting the class to behave well, but his method is rather forceful, so although the students comply temporarily, they are accumulating resentment inside, and they wreak havoc later. Eventually, Ron has an angry outburst and walks out of the classroom, ready to quit. He's been in New York for a while, but he never explored the town yet, so he asked a friend from the restaurant he works at to show him around. He shares his struggles and how he plans to give up on his ideals. His friend gives him a pep talk and encourages him to go back because those students desperately need him the most. 1.3 Rising From Failure Thanks to his friend's help, Ron rises from his abyss and is re-determined to turn this class around. Rather than forcing his students to behave properly, he decides to bargain with them. He brings dozens of small chocolate milk cartons to class and tells them, "Every 15 seconds you behave well and listen in class, I will drink a carton of chocolate milk. If you guys can hold out long enough, you just might see me puke." (Ron Clark getting his students to behave using chocolate milk) The class is super excited at this offer, and they finally behave well for a long time. Whenever any student interrupts the class or does something bad, all the other students give that person a nasty look. Eventually, Ron asks a question, and a student answers correctly. Ron is extremely happy, and the student is surprised that she could actually "learn." Ron's sincerity finally breaks through, and the students start warming up to him. He even goes to play with them during recess. In the past, the students would ignore him, but now, they let him play jump rope with them. 1.4 A Challenge of Beliefs Halfway through the year, the principal has a meeting with Ron. He is unimpressed at his class's test scores and says, "These kids are at the bottom of the barrel. All I'm asking is for your students to pass, then they can become someone else's problem." Ron is upset and argues, "The problem isn't the kids. The problem is your expectations. You are setting the bar down here. Why? Set it up here! They can make it! In May, all my students will test at grade level." The principal rolls his eyes and says, "I don't see how that's possible." Ron says, "I'm sorry, did I say grade level? I meant above grade level." Unbeknownst to Ron, his students were actually listening outside the principal's office, and they were shocked at their teacher's promise to the principal. Later, Ron gives a motivational talk to his students about how he had overcome his fears and achieved something he never thought was possible in the past, and that every day in class, the students are also working to achieve something big that they never thought was possible: being a stellar student and achieving a bright future. He told them, "If you trust me, then come up here and light a candle on this cake, and I promise you that you will learn more than you ever imagined in our class." (Ron Clark inviting his students to light a candle and put their trust in him) Now that his trust level was high with the students, they didn't argue or misbehave. They came up, lit a candle, and put their trust in their teacher. 1.5 Rising from More Failure The school year continues, and none of the students passed the history test. Rather than blame the students, he reflects on his teaching methods. He realizes that he needs to do something more fun, engaging, and interesting to help the students learn, so he creates a rap to help his students learn America's past presidents, and he even performs for them. (Ron Clark singing the Presidents' Rap with his students) This rap is extremely well received by the students, and everyone's interest in history is sparked. Later, nearly all his students got A on the history test. 1.6 Another Challenge of Beliefs Ron identifies some students that need extra help and take initiative to give them outside-of-class tutoring. One student is Shameika, who always has excuses for not handing in homework. Ron visits her home and asks to see her homework. She says she is too busy and didn't finish. Ron looks at it anyway and says this is actually pretty good, and she just needs to fix some small things. Shameika is surprised, but before she could continue working on her homework, her three brothers arrive home from their babysitter, and Shameika has to go cook dinner because her parents are out busy working. Ron offers to cook dinner so that she can fix her homework. Later, her mother arrives home to see Ron eating dinner with her kids, and she is extremely upset, saying, "You don't think I can take care of my family Mr. Clark? Leave my house." The next day, she goes to the principal's office and complains that her kid comes to school to learn, so she shouldn't be doing school work at home. Ron argues that students have homework, and Shameika can't be babysitting all day. He says, "Shameika has more potential than any kid in my class. Why can't you see that?" Shameika's mother angrily replies, "How dare you tell me what I should or should not see in my daughter. I'm taking her home. This guy better not be teaching at this school when I bring my kid back tomorrow." As they leave, Shameika turns around and pleads to the principal, "Please don't fire Mr. Clark! He was just trying to help. Mr. Clark please don't leave because of me." (Shameika pleading Ron Clark to not leave the school) Before they exit the school, Ron runs to catch up with them. The mother says, "Why are you doing this? You give her these grand ideas. The world is just going to crush her down!" Ron says, "I don't believe that. I just know she's a great student, a born leader, creative, intelligent." The mother is astonished and says, "Shameika? My Shameika?" Ron replies, "Yes! If she tests well enough in May, we might be able to get her into Manhattan West for middle school." The mothers says, "That's for gifted kids." Ron silently looks at her and nods in affirmation. The mother finally says, "Maybe Ms. Benson (the babysitter) can keep the boys a little longer every day." 1.7 The Final Stretch It's only two months until the big test, and Ron gets pneumonia. He is forced to stay at home for at least two weeks, so he records video lectures for his students to watch in class. (Ron Clark pre-records videos for his students while recovering from pneumonia) One week before the state exams, his students are worried and lack confidence. They say things like, "We always mess up," "Everyone thinks we're losers," and "What if we choke on the test?" Ron gives them a pep talk and emphasizes that they have been working hard every single day, that they've accomplished so much over the past year, and that he is extremely proud of them. He affirms them that they will crush the test and walk out of that room knowing they can do anything they want to do in their life. After the exams, the principal personally came to Ron's classroom and told them that they scored higher than any other class, even higher than the honors class. Afterwards, his students went on to attend some of the finest middle schools and high schools in New York. Part 2: My Learnings Lesson 1: A Meaningful Life is About Serving the Greater Good Ron Clark didn't have to go to New York and take on such difficult students. He could have had a comfortable life in his hometown. But he saw a desperate need for his talents in New York, and he was willing to let go of personal comfort for the greater good. Of course, no dream is easy to accomplish, but I'm sure Ron feels like he made the right decision to serve the greater good, and everyone will remember him for it. Image Sources: 1, 2 This isn't to say that having a comfortable life is bad, or that we all need to take a big risk to chase a dream. The key point is that if we want to feel a sense of meaning in life, we should try to serve the greater good in some shape or form. We can start off small and let it accumulate naturally. Ron Clark didn't dream of going to New York on his first day as a teacher. He taught for many years, accumulating his passion and abilities, then when he felt the time was right, he took the risk. Anyone can start by finding a cause that we care about, and then helping out that cause in whatever way is suitable for our current situation. Serving the greater good will bring us a sense of fulfillment and help us feel like our life was well-lived. Lesson 2: There is no unteachable student, no unchangeable person There is a Chinese proverb that goes, "When you don't get the results you want, reflect on yourself." In other words, don't blame other people or outside circumstances. As a teacher, it can be easy for me to write off "bad" students as "hard-to-teach". After all, some students can earn high grades with my current teaching method, so if other students do poorly, that's clearly their problem. Perhaps they don't pay attention in class, or they don't do their homework, or they just don't care about this class. But Ron Clark reminded me that if I was truly a good teacher, I would be able to find a way to teach them rather than blame them. Image Source Ron Clark got his students to behave well by drinking dozens of cartons of chocolate milk. When his class failed the history test, he made a rap to help them remember the past presidents and spark their interest. It's not that the students are unteachable, it's just that we teachers don't care enough to find creative ways of teaching that appeal to our "bad" students. Just like a doctor should not blame a patient for having a complicated illness, a teacher should not blame a student for struggling to learn. The same can be said for the parent-child or the leader-follower relationships. Is our child/follower really unteachable? Or did we just not make the effort to truly understand them and then try different methods until we find one that works? The same goes for any relationship. Is that person really unchangeable? Or are we just not willing to truly understand them and then persist in trying different ways to inspire them? I think the reason Ron was able to come up with these creative teaching methods that resonated with his students is because he took the time to truly understand them, and he is always thinking of ways to help his students succeed, whether walking, eating, or showering. These aren't ideas he got off the internet or that other people told him, these are sparks of inspiration that came from his nonstop effort to help his students. Therefore, if we want to change others, we need to spend the time to really understand them, and then sincerely think of ways to inspire them. The question isn't whether or not they are changeable, it's whether or not we are willing to put in the effort. Lesson 3: The success of everything depends on endurance If we want to build anything, whether it's a relationship, a career, a skill, or a thing, it all takes endurance. We have to endure hardship, challenges, and negative emotions. Ron had to endure his students' naughty behavior, his principal's prejudice, parents' misunderstandings, and even pneumonia. And not just for a day or two. Ron had to endure everyone's prejudice towards his class for a whole year, until his students finally proved themselves with their stellar test scores. Ron also nearly gave up at the beginning because he couldn't endure his anger. He worked so hard for many weeks to establish class rules, and one angry outburst burned everything he had built. His students probably thought, "Aha, I knew it. You don't actually believe in us. You just want us to control us. That's why you got angry when we didn't listen." The same is true in our own relationships. If we do nice things for others but expect them to be grateful, then we will get annoyed when they don't return our grace. As that annoyance builds up, eventually, our anger will explode, and then they will think, "Aha, I knew it. You were just putting on a show to get me to do something. You don't truly want the best for me. I'm not going to change for you." We might think these students are too unreasonable to endure, but in reality, their situation is very reasonable. They are the result of their unfavorable circumstances over years and years of accumulation. Despicable people have lamentable circumstances. If a problem took years to accumulate, it's not going to get fixed in the snap of a finger. We have to endure it out. The same is true for most problems we face in life. These problems have years of complicated history, so we have to be patient and persistent in trying to overcome them. Ultimately, if we want to be successful in life, we all need to develop resilience towards hardship and the ability to manage negative emotions, especially anger. When we face tough situations and struggle to endure, it's helpful to have good friends who can support us. Fortunately, Ron had a good friend who helped him out of his depressed state, or else the students would have had a very different future. Lesson 4: Belief is the mother of possibility Ron Clark taught the naughtiest class in New York, and no one believed this class was capable of anything good…except Ron Clark. He was the first teacher to believe in his students, and this belief isn't a shallow belief, it's a deep belief that can withstand challenges. Below are three examples, and from these examples, I can really feel that when someone deeply believes in us, it is powerful. It inspires us to live up to their expectations for us, and we know if we ever struggle, we can go to them for help. Example 1: When the principal said, "These kids are at the bottom of the barrel. All I'm asking is for your students to pass, then they can become someone else's problem." Ron said, "The problem isn't the kids. The problem is your expectations. You are setting the bar down here. Why? Set it up here! They can make it! In May, all my students will test at grade level." The principal rolls his eyes and says, "I don't see how that's possible." Ron says, "I'm sorry, did I say grade level? I meant above grade level." From this incident, I could sense that Ron deeply believes in his students, and without this deep belief, there's no way he would have been able to persist through so many obstacles and find creative solutions to help his students achieve such high scores on the state exams. Example 2: When Shameika's mother said, "Why are you doing this? You give her these grand ideas. The world is just going to crush her down!" Ron says, "I don't believe that. I just know she's a great student, a born leader, creative, intelligent." This was after Shameika's mother had given Ron an angry outburst and demanded that the principal fire him. For Ron to say these kinds of words to her despite all the disrespect she gave him, it really shows how deeply Ron believes in Shameika even when no one else, not even her mother, believed in her. I also felt that Shameika's mother was hardened by difficulty and suffering. Deep down, we all want to have hope. But some of us become scared of disappointment, so then we don't dare to hope. That's why her mother didn't want Ron to give her daughter such high hopes. She's not trying to be mean, she's just flinching from past hurt. I think Ron understands that every parent inherently wants the best for their children, and that this mother needed someone to affirm her child. His deep belief in her child finally got through to her, and she decided to cooperate with Ron. As a result, Shameika was able to attain an outstanding score on her state exams. If Ron's belief wasn't so strong in the face of such a tough mother, the result would have been very different. Example 3: One of his students, Tayshawn, got into a fight in class. Ron stopped them, and Tayshawn ran out of class. Ron ran after him and said, "Tayshawn, stop! Look, I know you have two strikes. If you walk out now, they'll expel you for sure. Just get back in there." Tayshawn asked, "Why?" Ron joked, "Because I would miss your glowing personality." Tayshawn rolled his eyes. Ron said, "Mr. Turner (the principal) doesn't have to know anything about this. Just give yourself another chance." Tayshawn decided to go back to class. From this incident, I could really feel that Ron purely wants the best for all his students, no matter if they are well-behaved or the worst behaved. He deeply believes that every person has the potential for greatness, even a gangster with anger problems like Tayshawn. Throughout the whole year, Tayshawn remained the most resistant to Ron's inspirational messages, but Ron never gave up on him. Even on the day of the state exams, Ron sensed that Tayshawn might not show up, so he personally went to Tayshawn's house in the morning. Indeed, his gangster friends were telling him to follow them, but Ron invited Tayshawn to walk to school together and review on the way. (Tayshawn choosing between his gangster friends and Ron Clark) Tayshawn was moved by his teacher's care this whole year, and he decided to abandon his gangster friends and go with Ron, and he indeed passed the state exams. Conclusion No matter who we are or what our situation is, we probably all have goals that we are trying to accomplish, challenges that we're trying to overcome, or relationships that we're trying to improve. The Ron Clark Story is a heartwarming and insightful movie on these fronts, and some key lessons I learned are A meaningful life is about serving the greater good There is no unteachable student, no unchangeable person The success of everything depends on endurance Belief is the mother of possibility If you also watched the movie and have other learnings, I'd love to hear them.

After all these years of writing books about communication, lecturing all over the country, I’ll show Zimmerman’s Tuesday Tip, Issue 1095 - 3 Little Communication Strategies That Bring BIG Cooperation