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At the end of the Shang Dynasty (about 3000 years ago) in China's history, the State of Yu (虞) and the State of Rui (芮) were neighbours. They had peaceful relations for many years, but with the succession of new rulers, eventually, a conflict broke out regarding a piece of land at the border of the two states. This piece of land was about ten li  (5 kilometres) in area, and it was full of lush forest and fertile soil. Both state rulers wanted to claim it, and they both searched for evidence to prove that the land belonged to them. The dispute dragged on for many years without resolution.   One day, a merchant from the State of Yu returned from the State of Zhou  (周) , and he told the two state rulers: " I recently returned from the State of Zhou, and its ruler,   Lord Jichang (姬昌) , is widely respected for his fairness and virtue. The citizens happily follow his governance. If both lords are willing, I suggest you visit him and ask him to mediate this dispute. "   The rulers of Yu and Rui agreed and set out for the State of Zhou. As they traveled into Zhou territory, they noticed that the sky seemed bluer, the waters clearer, the mountains greener, and even the chirping of birds more pleasant. At first, they thought it was just the novelty of arriving in a new place, but as their journey continued, they became increasingly impressed by what they observed.   While passing by some farmland, they noticed two farmers arguing. One farmer said: "Friend, if you plow a bit more of this land, you could grow more crops. Why leave such a wide boundary path?”   The other farmer, annoyed, replied: “My dear friend, you’re too fussy! I told you long ago: that land is yours. How could I plant crops on your land?” Image Source The rulers of Yu and Rui were quite astonished to see these two farmers insisting on giving rather than taking.   As they continued on their journey, they saw pedestrians politely making way for each other; no one walked down the middle of the path. Moreover, young people helped elders to carry things.   Suddenly, they saw a young man run into a kid, causing the kid to fall over. The young man immediately said, "I'm so sorry for running into you. Are you OK? Let me carry you home. It's my fault."   The boy quickly got up by himself and said, "It's OK, don't worry, I can get home by myself."   The two rulers were quite shocked at how polite and considerate these citizens of Zhou were, and they felt ashamed when they thought of their own citizens in comparison. Image Source When they arrived in the capital city of the state of Zhou, it was already late in the evening, so they found an inn to stay at for the night. Before going to sleep, they went to lock the door, but strangely, they couldn't find the door bolt. They then asked the innkeeper, who told them: "We don't have a door bolt. The people here are very civilized and honest; no one would steal your things, so no one locks their doors at night."   The rulers were shocked. The next morning, as they left the inn, they heard a woman on the road shouting, "Who dropped this?" It was a very expensive item, and she stayed there waiting for the owner to return.   When they arrived at the royal court, they saw the court officials conducting their duties proactively and in an orderly manner. Everyone was courteous, humble, and yielding, letting others go first.   Image Source At this point, the rulers of Yu and Rui felt too ashamed of themselves to request a meeting with the ruler of Zhou. They looked at each other and said: “We are rulers, yet we are not even as virtuous as the common folk here! Our argument would be seen as a disgrace here in the state of Zhou. Let's not embarrass ourselves in front of Lord Jichang."   After returning to their own states, the rulers of Yu and Rui both made concessions and tried to yield the land to each other. In the end, neither of them occupied that land, and that piece of land still exists today. By yielding, not only did they gain harmony, but the story of their land-yielding has been passed down for thousands of years.   Commentary Have you ever wanted someone else to change, but they refused? Perhaps you asked them to be more considerate, respectful, patient, or careful, but they didn’t take your advice to heart. Why is that? One possible reason is that we haven't set a good example ourselves, so they'll think, "You're no better than me. What right do you have to demand better of me?"   If we truly want others to have lasting change, we have to inspire them, not demand or force them to change. When people feel inspired and impressed by a role model, they will be self-motivated to change. For example, there weren't any laws in the state of Zhou demanding citizens to yield land to their neighbors, but the citizens were naturally self-motivated to be highly civilized, and this was a result of Lord Jichang's great role modeling.   On the other hand, if we force others to change by using threats and punishments, yet we ourselves to don't role model that good behavior, then others might comply temporarily because we have more power over them, but as they accumulate resentment, they will eventually rebel. In other words, people's good behavior don't arise because we demand it out of them, but rather because they are inspired and touched by good role models.   Every human being has a conscience, but that conscience might get clouded by selfishness. However, seeing a moral role model can bring out others' inner conscience, making them feel a sense of shame for their immoral behavior. That feeling of "I shouldn't do that; I should be better" is an inner motivation to change, and inner motivation is long-lasting. This was what happened in the story with the rulers of Yu and Rui.   An important point to note is that we need to have the right intention when we role model good behavior. We do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do, not because we want others to emulate us. If we have any demands towards others, then we would became impatient if they don't change promptly. If we start criticizing them as a result, then they'll think,  "So you are only putting on an act to demand things from me. You're not actually sincere in your good behavior."  As a result, they'll lose respect for us and oppose us.   As Confucius said, "If a leader has good role modeling, then people will carry out their duties without being ordered. If the leader does not have good role modeling, then people will not obey despite being ordered."  (Original text: "子曰：其身正，不令而行；其身不正，雖令不從。")   This isn't to say that rules and punishments are unnecessary, but rather that rules and punishments alone aren't enough to create long-lasting change in others. Additionally, we need to build trust with others, which can be done by having their best intentions in mind and helping them feel understood.   Concluding Thoughts Do you wish for the people around you to be different in any way? Do you role model that behavior for them? Weekly Wisdom #338

Source: Harvard Family Instruction, Chapter 1) Commentary This story reminds me of a principle for good relationships

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