Search Results

I was talking to a friend who recently went back home after living for a while at school. She told me something surprising: "Every time I came back home in the past, I would argue with my parents. But this time, I didn't have any arguments. In fact, I feel so happy and grateful recently, sometimes, I just randomly shout 'Thank you mom! Thank you dad! I am so fortunate!'" I asked, "Wow. What changed this time?" She told me, "Well, I started to realize how difficult it is to be my parents. For example, my mother woke up late from being tired, but then she goes and makes breakfast for me right away. My dad works all day, but he still gives me a massage even when he's tired. Despite all their hardship, they show their love and care for me. How can I not feel happy and grateful?" Coincidentally, just a couple days ago, I attended a class on traditional Chinese culture, and the topic was filial piety (which means being a loving child towards parents). The teacher told us that our love and respect towards parents start when we see the hardship that they go through for us. Parents’ Hardship Parents sacrifice so much for their children. They sacrifice their sleep and freedom to raise us. They give us all the best things they can afford. When we're sick, they take us to the doctor and spend all day with us. When we're sad, they try to comfort us. None of this is easy or convenient, yet they willingly do this for us without requesting anything in return. Image Source Upon reflection, I realized that my mother sacrificed a stable life in China to come to Canada to give me a better future. She also worked extremely hard to raise me all by herself, put me through school, make sure I was healthy, and even set up her retirement so that I don't have to worry about her. Her life has been a hundred times harder than anything I ever went through. When I reflected on this, I felt bad about all the times I gave her a bad temper or made her worry. I also felt internal motivation to make her happy, not because she demands it from me, but because I want to repay her gratitude. Can You See Their Efforts? A lot of people complain about their parents, or even resent their parents for not treating them the way other parents treat their children. But if we put ourselves in our parents' shoes, we realize that they are already trying their best. No parent intentionally tries to make their children hate them; they just have limited ability. Every parent shows love to their children in their own way. But sometimes, we don't see it because we're too focused on how our parents "should" be better. The reason why filial piety is so important in Chinese culture is because they are the closest people to us, and we owe the most gratitude towards them. How we treat our parents is our true selves, and it will be how we treat others, such as our spouse, friends, and leaders. If we are always thinking about how our parents don't treat us well enough, then we will also act the same way towards other people. If we always look at the contributions and good points of our parents, then we will do the same for other people. Filial piety starts when you feel gratitude for your parents. Gratitude starts when you focus on all the hardship they went through for you. Once our heart has gratitude, we will naturally feel happy and fortunate. Then, we can share our positive energy with the people and world around us. Image Source Gratitude starts with our parents and then expands out to all the people around us. Your siblings sacrificed things for you. Your good friends gave their time, energy, and things to you. Your teachers, classmates, boss, and colleagues all helped you. The question is, do you focus on their contributions or their imperfections? Concluding Thoughts What hardships did your parents go through to raise you? How can you repay their gratitude? Repeat question 1, but for other close people around you. Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #192 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like "Treat others the way you want to be treated", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. "Be strict with yourself and lenient with others", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. "Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you." But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along. In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, "Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it?" I said, "Sure." I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, "I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in?" I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

When she feels that you have a respectful attitude towards her, your relationship will naturally get

I'm a pretty introverted person who doesn't have many close friends, but I hope that I can be a good friend to those that I'm close with. Growing up, I always thought that people who share similar interests and hobbies make good friends because it's easy for you to talk and do stuff together. But now I realize there's a big hole in that logic. The purpose of friendship isn't to talk and do stuff together. That's just avoiding boredom. The purpose of friendship should be to support each other along the journey of life. Image Source: Unsplash Recently, I learned about the Buddha's standards for being a good friend from this talk by Venerable Jing Kong, and I find these standards to be highly logical and useful. The talk is in Chinese, so I'll translate it here. The Buddha gave five responsibilities that friends ought to fulfill: 1: Friends should advise each other to correct faults and bad habits. If we see a friend do something bad and we don't say anything, then we have not acted as a true friend. However, we must advise them with good etiquette. For example, we should advise them in private, not in front of others. We can advise them on the same fault up to three times, no more. Otherwise they may resent you. 2: If our friend encounters difficulty or illness, we ought to help in any way we can. For example, we can help them find a good doctor or fix unhealthy habits if they want to. 3: Friends should not gossip, expose private shame, or speak ill words of each other towards other people. If our friends have bad behavior, we can advise them privately, but we should not speak of their faults to others. 4: Friends should have mutual respect, keep consistent communication, and let go of any resentment. Remember each other's gratitude, not wrongdoings. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when younger and immature. They didn't know any better. We should often think of their gratitude and let go of any resentment. 5: If wealth levels differ, friends should help each other, not resent or slander each other. Friends with more wealth should help, not look down on, friends with less wealth when they are in need. Friends with less wealth should not resent or be jealous of friends with more wealth. Self-Reflection: Upon learning these five responsibilities, I realized I have quite some improvements to make, such as Advising friends on correcting bad habits: When I saw a friend started smoking, I didn't say anything. Not gossiping: I shouldn't talk about people's personal lives when they are not there. Keeping consistent communication: I've gone months without messaging my friends. Oops. I didn't know any better before, but thankfully now I know and can improve. Hopefully this information will help you create better friendships too!

As for our loved ones and relationships, if we knew we would die tomorrow, how would we behave today? It is a great way to mend and build relationships. Lesson 3: Let go of obsessions.

When you do a good deed, do you like to get praised for it? Or keep it a secret? Or give the credit to others? Over the summer, I participated in an online educational workshop. The workshop had around 80 participants, and we were split into seven groups (teams) of 10-12 people. Each group had a teacher (leader) with several students (participants). We spent around two thirds of the time learning as a big group and one third of the time discussing in our small groups. A couple of times in the big class, I noticed students from other groups had fans blowing wind directly onto their face, so their hair was flowing with the wind. According to Chinese Medicine, it is bad for our health if we blow wind onto our body when still. If we are moving around, then it's not a problem. At first, I was hesitant about telling them because I didn't want to sound like a naggy parent, but I ultimately decided to message them in a humble and caring way, not in a judgmental or naggy way. They were appreciative. Later, I told my teacher about this, and he told me that although what I did was good, I could have done better. He asked me if I can guess how (Can you guess?). I couldn't figure it out. He told me, "Instead of sending those caring messages yourself, you could have told their team leader. Then the team leader can remind that person as well as the whole group. This way, you give the glory to the team leader rather than taking it for yourself. You also earn the respect of that leader." At that time, I was pretty surprised to hear such an answer. I didn't even think about getting "glory" for simply telling someone to not blow wind onto their face. My teacher then helped me see things from a bigger, more serious perspective. He told me a story about Yanzi (晏子). Yanzi lived around 2500 years ago, during the same time as Confucius. He was a minister in the State of Qi, serving under Duke Jing of Qi. The Duke recruited people from all over the country to build a great pavilion for his recreational purposes. By winter, construction was still going on, and the people were cold and hungry. They all complained about how unsympathetic the Duke was, and they asked Yanzi to help relieve their hardship. Yanzi returned to the Duke's palace. The Duke, happy for his return, organized a banquet to greet him. Although Yanzi planned to tell the Duke about the worker's grievances, he did not want to do so directly. They ate, drank wine, and chatted happily. Then he said to the Duke, "If your highness is willing to give me a small reward, could I sing a song?" The Duke agreed. Yanzi then started passionately singing a sad song: "The people sing: cold water soaks my clothes, making me so cold. Oh how helpless I am. Those in the imperial palace are living an extravagant life, while us common folk are withering. I can barely survive, what to do?" At the end of the song, Yanzi was weeping and sighing. Seeing this, the Duke got up, walked over, and said, "Why are you so sad? Is it because of the pavilion project? I will order for them to stop working right away." Hearing this, Yanzi got up and thanked the Duke graciously. The next day, he bid farewell to the Duke. After that, he rushed to the construction site. When he arrived, he did not say "OK everyone, I told the Duke, we can all go home now." That would have been taking all the glory for himself. Instead, he took out a whip and started whipping the workers, saying, "You people already have your own shelter. The Duke asked you all to work together to build a pavilion for him, and you're still not finished. What good are you? Get to work!" All the workers were shocked and thought Yanzi had gone mad. Yanzi then left the site to go home since he knew that news was on the way from the Duke. Soon after, a messenger from the Duke arrived at the site to tell everyone that the Duke had ordered for the construction to stop, so everyone can return home. As a result, everyone cheered and was extremely grateful towards the Duke. Commentary I reflected on two big morals from Yanzi's story: Be tactful, not blunt, when telling others their faults Take blame and give glory Image Sources: 1, 2, 3 1: Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself When Yanzi returned to the palace, he didn't bluntly say to the Duke, "The people are upset at you. You need to order for the construction to stop." I am a very blunt person, so I probably would have said something like that. But that creates opposition between me and the other person. It is also arrogant, as if I have the right to be telling my superior what he should do. Yanzi's method was to sing a song after drinking some wine, and through the song lyrics express the people's suffering. Then he cried and wept for the people to elicit sympathy from the Duke. This makes it seem like the problem is on himself for being too emotional, and the Duke can be a hero by helping him and the people relieve their suffering. The Duke is then happy to help, and in doing so, correct his mistake of being ignorant and unsympathetic before. 2: Take Blame and Give Glory Most people hate to take blame and prefer glory. But Yanzi took blame that he didn't "deserve" and gave glory away that he "deserved." Such a secret could not be held forever. Eventually, people realized what Yanzi did, and as a result, everyone respected Yanzi even more, and his story has been passed down for 2500 years to this day! If he had given the Duke his "deserved" blame and taken his "deserved" glory, he would only have gotten small, short-term benefit. Therefore, wise people think about the long-term and benefiting the greater good, not short-term self-benefit. My Experience Tactful Admonishment Via Blaming Yourself As a teacher, I've had to teach many online classes due to the pandemic. My school requires students to turn on their video cameras in class, but many students don't, or they turn on the camera, but the camera angle is facing the ceiling, so I cannot see their face. (Yes those are my actual students) Perhaps they just woke up and their hair looks messy, or they want to do other things on the computer rather than pay attention in class, or they are just too shy to show their face. Regardless, it is frustrating for the teacher when we call on a student, their video is off, and they don't respond. Like most teachers, I've tried the method of telling the students multiple times to please turn on their cameras because it is the school rules. It works the first couple of times, but it creates opposition. I feel bad doing it, and the students are resentful. In the future, they just don't listen at all. Recently, I tried a more tactful method. I talked to students after class one-on-one in a private room, and I asked them why they didn't show their face in class. Many students said they are shy. I then said, "I'm sorry, but I lack confidence, so when I cannot see my students nodding or looking at me, I feel very nervous, like I am a bad teacher, like I am so boring that students don't even want to look at me. So could you please turn your camera on and look at me during class to help me feel more confident?" I also addressed their concern and said, "I know you are shy, but it is okay. Most students are shy. But we are here to learn, we are not here to look at other students. Most of the time, students are too busy listening to the teacher and taking notes rather than looking at you. So no one is staring at you except me, and I am only looking at you for my confidence, I am not judging your looks." After this, the student would typically turn their camera on and adjust the angle so that I could see their face, and they had no resentment. To give another quick example, I remember listening to a lecture once, and suddenly there was a big sound outside. Everyone started looking at the door window instead of at the speaker. The speaker said, "Everyone, please look at me. Otherwise, you'll hurt this small, sensitive heart of mine." Giving Glory After my summer workshop, I spent quite some time to create a summary document of all the things I learned. I sent it to my team leader to check, and she said it looked good. I was about to send the notes to my classmates and say, "Hey, I summarized some notes, maybe they can help you review too." But then I remembered Yanzi, so I changed my message to, "Hey, I summarized some notes, and our team leader approved them. Maybe they can help you review." This way, I gave some of the glory away to my team leader. I also set an example of asking the team leader to check things before sharing them with others. To give another example, when I go out with my friends, I will ask my mom if there is anything from the garden I could give them. In the past, I would tell my friends that I wanted to give them some garden veggies (which are a hundred times for flavorful than grocer store veggies). Image Source Now, I will say my mom planted these and wanted to give them to you. This way, they feel gratitude towards my mom (whom they are less familiar with) rather than me (who they are already close with). It is a much better allocation of gratitude. Conclusion In the future, I will be on the lookout for more opportunities to take blame and give glory. This would have sounded strange if you told me this a month ago, but now I understand it is the wise thing to do. How can you tactfully ask someone to change by taking blame? How you give more glory to others? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #201 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Have you ever harmed a relationship or spoiled an opportunity because you couldn't endure or control To succeed in any relationship, we need to endure impoliteness and conflicts by being patient, tolerant joy Endure through compassion These six methods are mainly related to enduring anger and conflict in relationships After all, the longevity of a relationship is less dependent on how much you appreciate each other's

Have you ever made a mistake, and then you keep replaying that mistake in your head, feeling really bad, sad, embarrassed, or remorseful about it? Perhaps you think, "If only I could go back in time and undo that mistake." Image Source I've been there many times. Sometimes, it's a small mistake, like forgetting to bring my wallet when going out. Sometimes it's an embarrassing mistake, like when I was drinking tea once, and then I choked and coughed tea all over the person in front of me. Sometimes it's a horrible mistake, like saying hurtful words to a loved one. In the past, I used to think that apologizing was enough to make up for my mistakes. But I still kept replaying them in my head. And if I repeated my mistakes, the other person wouldn't forgive me. I was also frustrated at myself for making the same mistakes again. So how can we truly move on and free ourselves from the shackles of past mistakes? There's a Chinese saying that goes, "We are not sages, so how can we not have faults and mistakes? But if we correct our faults and mistakes, then there is no greater good than this." (Original Text: 人非圣贤，孰能无过，过而能改，善莫大焉。) There's a similar English saying that goes, "The best apology is changed behavior." This brings me to a great story I heard from the Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong. Once upon a time, there were two brothers who studied Buddhism. The elder brother studied Mahayana Buddhism, while the younger brother studied Theraveda Buddhism. When he was young, the younger brother publicly slandered Mahayana Buddhism, saying it was inferior to Theraveda Buddhism. Later, the younger brother realized he was wrong, and he felt great remorse. He told his elder brother, "I was wrong for slandering Mahayana Buddhism in the past. To repent for my mistake, I will cut off this wicked tongue of mine." The elder brother replied, "Given that you used your tongue to slander Mahayana Buddhism in the past, why not now use your tongue to praise Mahayana Buddhism?" Suddenly, the younger brother understood what is meant by 'true repentance.' Commentary Feeling bad about making a mistake is a sign of good conscience, but we shouldn't be overly harsh and do something irrational (like cutting off your tongue in the case of that younger brother). True repentance is when we promise to the other person or to ourselves that we won't make the same mistake again. And then we keep our promise. A great way to help us avoid the same mistake is to proactively practice the opposite virtue. In the story above, the younger brother had the fault of criticizing others. To fix that fault, he can practice the virtue of praising others' good points. This way, our past mistakes actually serve as a valuable stepping stone for us to become the best version of ourselves. Then, we won't agonize over our past mistakes but rather be thankful to them for helping us grow. The Japanese term "kintsukuroi" is a great analogy for this. Kinstsukuroi is the act of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver and understanding that it is now more beautiful after being broken and repaired. The same is true for mistakes in our lives. The act of repairing with gold is to learn from the mistake and improve ourselves. Image Source When I learned this idea, I suddenly felt really happy and hopeful. I made many mistakes in the past, and I finally knew a way to make up for them: by changing my behavior and avoiding the same mistake in the future. But like many people, I often repeat my mistakes. Why does that happen? After I made a mistake, I felt bad, so why would I make the same mistake again? I realized it's because I never took the time to reflect on why I made that mistake and how I can prevent it in the future. Although doing this reflection process does not guarantee that I won't make the same mistake again (because our habits are so strong), it greatly reduces the chance. And if I do make that mistake again, I do the whole reflection process again. Eventually, I will eliminate that fault. Remember those three examples I mentioned before? Here's how I've moved on from them: I forgot to bring my wallet once, and that one time, my Apple wallet didn't work, so my friend had to pay for me. The next time I went for a meal with that friend, I made sure to bring my wallet and pay for both of us. I choked on tea and coughed over the person in front of me. I apologized and thanked her for her tolerance. Next time I drank slower and sat with proper posture. I have not repeated that mistake since. I said hurtful words when my mood was bad. Many times after, when my mood was bad, I remembered to keep my mouth closed and ask to discuss later when everyone's mood is better. Over the past year and a half, I've been keeping a daily journal. Every day, I reflect on my behavior, note down my mistakes, reflect on why I made that mistake, and write down how I can prevent the same fault next time or cultivate the opposite virtue. Here are some examples: I used to criticize my mother a lot because I always focused on her faults. Now I look for her good points and praise her every day. I used to have unhealthy habits like eating junk food and sleeping late, which made my mother worry. Now, I don't want my mother to worry about me, so I am learning Chinese Medicine and applying the teachings to improve my health and my mother's health. I used to be jealous when other people had better fortune than me. Now, I know it's much wiser to be happy for others' fortune, so I actively try to help others have the best fortune they can have. I used to waste a lot of time on games and TV for no good reason. Now, I use my free time to learn and share wisdom, which brings long-lasting happiness. I used to rush eating, which is bad for my digestion, and sometimes I end up biting my lip, which leaves a painful mouth sore for the next few days. Now, I remind myself that if I can do the small things carefully, then I will naturally do the big things carefully, hence I need to eat slower and more mindfully. Many of these faults are bad habits, and habits take time and determination to change. If we truly feel remorse, we will have the motivation to change bad habits. I have not fixed all these mistakes completely, but I certainly have noticeable improvement, and thus I don't agonize over past mistakes. The past is past. I can relax because I made good use of the past to create a better future. Conclusion As human beings, we all make mistakes. The important thing is what you do AFTER you make a mistake. Disregarding our faults would lead to us making the same mistakes and nurturing bad habits. Agonizing over them is unnecessary suffering. If we want to repent and move on from mistakes, we need to change our behavior and cultivate good habits. Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn and improve from them. If we learn from mistakes, they become lessons; If we improve from them, then they become treasure. What are some mistakes that you feel bad about? How can you learn and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #216

relationships. Of all our relationships, the most important one is with our parents. relationships. And in my own experience, having good relationships with parents is a great source of joy. I used to think, "I have great relationships with most people.

If we have good relationships with those around us, then we would get so many doses of happiness and Helping others and giving more is a key to good relationships, and anyone who's sincerely helped others When we are self-centered, we tend to create conflict in relationships, and we are more likely to do If we let our anger loose, we’ll destroy relationships and opportunities. Our relationships also improved, and they were eager to help me in the other courses.

[Newsletter #66] Esther Perel on relationship expectations: In the past, most of our needs were met by [Newsletter #105] Confucius on relationships: "The Way of Confucius is but Devotion and Consideration [Newsletter #150] Shang-Chi’s lesson on relationships: People need cheerleaders not critics.