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Attachment, Suffering, and Letting Go
- Alex Chen
- Jul 27
- 18 min read
Updated: Aug 3
It seems like people are always trying to add happiness to their lives. Or more specifically, trying to add things into their lives to gain happiness. Perhaps it's adding money, objects, experiences, people, or people's approval. But these things only bring temporary and conditional pleasure, not to mention the anxiety and fear of not being able to obtain these things, or the fear of losing them in the future. I think what we really want is a long-lasting and unconditional sense of happiness, freedom, and peace.
The thing is, we don't actually "gain" these; rather, we recover them. You see, we were originally happy, free, and at peace. It was only after we added something unnecessary that we became unhappy. What is that "something"?
The Buddha put it very clearly and simply:
"The root of suffering is attachment."
It's only after we added attachments to our mind that we started feeling chained, heavy, and stressed. Therefore, the key to happiness, freedom, and peace is not to add more to our lives, but rather to let go of the attachments in our mind. This is something anyone can do. It does not require money, power, or talent. I sure wish I had known about this earlier in my life…That would've prevented so much unnecessary suffering!
What Is Attachment?
Imagine clenching on to something tightly and not letting it loose from your grip.
Do you feel happy, relaxed, and at ease? Attachment is when we clench tightly to something in our mind and refuse to let go. The result? We feel uptight, stressed, and anxious. We become stubborn, self-centered, and irrational.
Spiritual teacher Anthony de Mello gives an easy-to-understand explanation. He explains that people have two kinds of desires. Some desires, we would be happy to have, but if we don't obtain them, we won't fret. Then there are other desires where if we don't get them, we become unhappy. That's an attachment. For example, I once heard someone say, "I can't live without diet soda. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm basically a bottle of diet soda." While we might laugh at this example, we probably all have our own version of diet soda in our lives.
By the way, aversion and attachment are two sides of the same coin. Attachment is "I want this. If I don't get it, I will be unhappy." Aversion is "I don't want this. If you give that to me, I will be unhappy." For example, I heard a famous author say, "I can't bear to read negative comments about me or my books, so I don't read the reviews." That's an attachment to her good reputation and self-image in front of others, or an aversion to a bad reputation.
Another way to think of attachment is a strong demand towards people, objects, or matters. When we demand people or things to be a certain way, we will be upset if they don't fulfill our demands.
Put in harsher terms, attachment makes people control freaks: they want to control or possess people are things, so when things aren't in their control, they're upset.
What is Detachment?
Whereas attachment is tightly clenching onto things in our mind, detachment is loosening that grip. You can still hold it if necessary, or you can let it go if not.
Whereas attachment is "I can't be happy without that", detachment is "my happiness does not depend on that." Whereas attachment is a strong demand towards people or things, detachment is peace with the way things are, which by the way, doesn't conflict with wanting things to change. We can still have desires, wishes, goals, and ambitions, but at the same time, we remain rational and adaptable; that would not be an attachment. Again, attachments make people stubborn, self-centered, and irrational.
For example, a person who is detached from diet soda can still enjoy diet soda, but she won't crave it like an addict or feel bad if she cannot get it. A person who is detached from maintaining a good image in front of others might still prefer to leave a good impression on others rather than a bad one, and he would still try to do so, but he wouldn't feel terrible if others criticize his faults.
An important point of clarification to make is that detachment refers to letting go of our attachment, which is inside our mind, not the external matter. Some people misunderstand and think that detachment from our loved ones means not caring about them, or detachment from our aspirations means not having aspirations. That would be a tragic misunderstanding.
We can love and hold onto others without clenching (attaching). Imagine a family member who is overbearing and very controlling. They make lots of demands towards you, and they justify themselves by saying "It's because I love you". Do you feel loved? Don't you wish they would ease up and give you more understanding and space? Thus, we can see that clenching (attachment) impedes love.
Similarly, we can have aspirations without clenching (attaching). We work towards an inspiring goal or purpose, but at the same time, we shouldn't be too uptight about it. For example, if an athlete wants to performance his best and win gold, that's fine and good. But if he's overly attached to his reputation, he'll be extremely anxious, which will reduce his performance. On the other hand, if he's not attached, he can truly focus on doing his best, and he'll be more likely to achieve his goal. Hence, we can see that attachment impedes performance.
Practicing Detachment
Now that we understand the ideas of attachment and detachment, the big question is, how can we practice detachment? Well, there isn't one standard answer, but I'll share five methods I've learned and practiced from ancient philosophies like Buddhism and Stoicism:
1: See the truth
Buddhism teaches that when we see the truth of things, we will naturally let go of our attachments. There are four important truths to see:
The true culprit for our suffering is our attachment (or clenching or demands), not other people or external matters.
Our attachment is based on a false and incorrect belief that without it, we would be unhappy.
Everything is impermanent and always changing, so attaching to them (desiring to control or possess them) is futile.
We have the power and choice to let go of our attachments.
Firstly, most people believe that their problems lie in other people or the outside world. If only that person would change…if only things would go my way…then I'd be happy. Or they think it's that person who makes me angry, or that matter that scares me, or that thing that upsets me. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that another person can force me to be upset? If someone else with greater tolerance and detachment were in my shoes, would they get upset?"
Thus, it's not the outside that's making us upset, it's our attachment and demands towards the outside world that's making us upset.
Secondly, our attachment tells us that if our demands are not met, we would be unhappy. For example, if they don't change, I won't be happy, or if I don't get the thing I want, I won't be happy. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that my happiness depends on outside factors? Wasn't I happy before I met that person? Wasn't I fine before I desired that thing? Aren't there people who are happy without those things?" Most things aren't actually that big of a deal, but when we have an attachment, we magnify its importance in our mind. When we loosen that grip, we'll be much more relaxed and at ease.
Thirdly, when we are attached to something, we wish to hold onto it, possess it, and control it. The thing is, everything is impermanent and always changing. There is no way to make something stay the same forever, and if we are attached, we'll be unhappy when things inevitably change. In the Diamond Sutra, the Buddha said,
"All conditioned phenomena are like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows; like dew, and like lightning; and should be viewed as such."
Think of something you really loved in your childhood. Do you still love it the same way now? What happened to that feeling? It's different now, it's gone, like a dream. Think of a time you were extremely upset at something. What happened to that feeling and matter? It's past, like lightning, like a popped bubble.
Since everything is impermanent, if something is the way we want it right now, it won't stay that way forever, so don't get attached. If something isn't the way we want, it also won't stay that way forever, so don't make a big fuss about it.
To be clear, detachment doesn't mean we become apathetic or irresponsible towards life. Rather, detachment allows us to enjoy and live in the present moment without fear of change. As Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong said,
"Everything is lent to us to use, to enjoy, to appreciate. We don't need to attach. Not attaching means our mind does not want to control or possess anything. This way, we will become free and at ease."
Finally, we have to realize that we have the power and choice to let go of our attachments, but it often takes effort. Sometimes, it seems like we can't control ourselves from being attached. Why? Because attachments are like habits, and the stronger the habit, the harder it is to change. For example, someone who habitually slouches certainly has the power and choice to correct his posture, but during the process, he often unconsciously reverts back to slouching. It takes persistent practice to change a habit.
Similarly, even if we want to practice detachment, we often find ourselves attaching and clenching again before we even realize it. The stronger the habit, the harder it is to change, but it's still definitely possible. We just have to keep practicing to strengthen our detachment "muscle". That means practicing shifting our way of thinking, our attitude, and our thoughts.
For example, when we find ourselves blaming the outside world or people again, we have to remind ourselves that the problem is not them, it's our attachment. Or when we think "I would be so unhappy if…", we have to remind ourselves, "Actually, I was happy before without it…lots of people are fine without it…" Or when we find ourselves wanting things to stay the same, or unhappy at the way things are, we can remind ourselves that everything is impermanent and will definitely change.
The remaining methods below are more ways to practice shifting our way of thinking.
2: Control the controllables and let go of the rest
Stoic philosopher Epictetus said,
"When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken by anxiety?"
The reason attachments cause suffering is that we have strong demands towards things that we cannot control, and when these things don't accord with our demands, we become unhappy. Although most things are out of our control, some things are actually within our control.
What's not in our control? Other people. The outside world, matters, and objects. Results.
What is in our control? Ourselves. Our actions. Our thoughts. Our effort. Our preparation.
The interesting thing is, when we forcefully try to change the outside, we encounter resistance, and we often lack the necessary power. But when we change ourselves, we change the way the world and other people respond to us, which means we've indirectly changed the world and other people.
There are many core teachings in Stoicism, but if I had to pick just one, I would say this:
"Know what's in your control, focus on the controllables, then do your best, and let go of the rest."
While attachments are endless, we can categorize them into three broad categories: people, matters, and objects.
First is people. If we have demands towards other people to be different, we first ask ourselves, what's in our control? We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves. Rather than demanding them to change, how can I adapt myself such that I don't need them to change anymore? How is my behavior contributing to the way they treat me?
Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius gave a few examples:
"Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'"
Second is matters. If I get upset because I'm stuck in traffic (a matter), I need to realize that I cannot change the situation, so there's no point in being upset about it. Instead, I can find a way to make good use of the situation I'm in, such as listening to podcasts or audiobooks that I enjoy. I can also look for ways to adjust the time I go on the highway in the future. Or I can consider other modes of transportation, such as the metro or carpooling.
If I am anxious about an upcoming interview (a matter), I need to remember that the result is not within my control. There are so many uncontrollable factors at play, such as the applicant pool, the interviewer's mood, the questions asked, etc. Don't dwell on these things. Instead, focus on what is within my control: my preparation and finding backup options. After the interview, whatever the result, as long as I can say, "I did my best", then that's enough.
Third is objects. If I am upset because an item I treasure got broken or lost, I can feel bad for a while, but I shouldn't dwell on it forever. Being sad isn't going to bring it back. I can find a replacement if possible and focus on what I still do have and be grateful for that. As Stoic philosopher Seneca said,
"No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have."
The thing with attachments is that we tend to focus on them, magnify them, and sink into them. So if we find ourselves constantly stressing or dwelling on something, we need to ask ourselves, "Is this in my control? What can I do that's in my control that can help the situation?"
3: Embrace reality
The method of "focusing on the controllables" is a great way to calm ourselves down and reduce negative emotion. The method of "embracing reality" goes a step further and is even more positive. One of the mottos in Stoicism is Amor Fati, which means to not just bear what happens, but to love it, be thankful for it, and embrace it.
Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said,
"Just as the nature of rational things has given to each person their rational powers, so it also gives us this power—just as nature turns to its own purpose any obstacle or any opposition, sets its place in the destined order, and co-opts it, so every rational person can convert any obstacle into the raw material for their own purpose."
Amor Fati is sometimes represented by a blazing fire because fire turns everything into fuel for its growth.
The key to Amor Fati is that we are constantly seeking to improve ourselves and to cultivate our virtues, both of which are in our control. With this attitude, any obstacle can be turned into raw material for our own purpose.
To return to the previously mentioned examples, we not only don't demand others to change, we are thankful to them for being a catalyst for our own improvement; It's thanks to them that we can improve our communication skills, patience, emotional intelligence, etc. We embrace the traffic because (aside from resistance being futile) we can make good use of the time to listen to interesting podcasts. We are thankful for the "bad luck" of losing something valuable because it's a test of our ability to detach and adapt.
4: Practice selflessness
Attachments are endless, but the most central attachment is the attachment to I. If I don't get what I want, I will be unhappy. How dare you say that about me. I can't bear to lose my valuable object. These are all forms of attachment to I. If we let go of our attachment to I, then who suffers?
So rather than severing attachments one by one (which will take forever), we can get at the root of the problem by reducing our attachment to I. Of course, this is much easier said than done, but people have achieved it (such as the Buddha), and for every percentage of letting go we do, we gain a percentage of freedom and peace.
Most of us are always thinking about what I want and don't want, about my feelings and my things. To reduce the attachment to I, ancient philosophers teach us to focus on others.
The Buddha said,
“View all living beings as myself.”
The Daoist sage Lao Zi said,
“View others’ gains as my own gains. View others losses’ as my own losses.”
Marcus Aurelius said,
“What injures the hive, injures the bee.”
“Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.”
In other words, instead of always thinking about I, think about what others want and don't want, about how other people feel and their things. Always think about helping the people around you rather than about yourself.
This teaching is ingenious because if we tell ourselves "don't think about myself and what I want or don't want", we end up thinking about exactly that. But if we focus on others and benefiting them, we naturally forget I in the process. We can call this "selflessness" (the opposite of selfish) or "others-centeredness" (the opposite of self-centered).
This reminds me of a quote by Gandhi:
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
The way I interpret his words is that we find a sense of contentment, peace, and spiritual happiness when we forget ourselves in the service of others. There are many ways we can practice selflessness and others-centeredness in life, and each person's situation is different. But I'll give some ideas for reference, which I wrote about in detail in the article My Year of Practicing Selflessness:
Put others first: Help others first. Let others go first. Put others above my own convenience. Make things convenient for other people. Yield in debates.
Empathy. Really try to understand others, especially when they can't fully articulate themselves or have unspoken messages. Believe that everyone has legitimate reasons for doing what they do; we just have to see their perspective.
Advise others respectfully and patiently, without any opposition or judgment.
Etiquette. Be a considerate and respectful person in all the small matters and interactions of daily life. Etiquette is a big topic, and I've written a long list of etiquette in this article.
Think for the bigger picture, not just for one other person, but for all the people involved in a matter.
Of these methods, etiquette is probably the first place to start. Here are some common examples from daily life:
Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take you time."
If you’re running late or need to cancel, inform others as early as possible.
Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood.
When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long.
When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths.
Hold the door open for the person behind you.
In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private.
When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener.
When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand.
Keep your space tidy. It's respectful to yourself, your space, and the people who see your space.
When eating, If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you.
When at someone else's place, respect and follow their rules.
When we practice etiquette diligently, we will gradually internalize the spirit of being considerate and respectful towards others with our every thought.
From practicing selflessness and others-centeredness, I find that I think about myself a lot less, and since I'm more considerate towards others, I often feel the joy of helping others and of having good relationships.
5: Understand karma and accord with the conditions
Karma is a big topic, and I've previously written about it in this article, but I'll briefly explain some key aspects here. Karma is often explained as "what goes around comes around", as in how you treat others will be how others treat you, or what you put out into the universe will be what the universe gives back to you.
While this isn't incorrect, I think it's incomplete. Another name for karma is the Law of Cause and Effect. In other words, every result (effect) has its corresponding cause and conditions, and every cause will have a corresponding result.
Put in more layman terms, there is a reason for everything, and things are always the way they're supposed to be, so we shouldn't get upset and think "Things shouldn't be this way!" Moreover, everything we think and do (karmic seeds) will have a result, so we should be careful about the karmic seeds we plant.
To give an analogy, imagine planting a seed. The seed is the cause. The seed needs conditions, such as soil, water, sunlight, and time to grow into a plant and eventually reap fruit. Similarly, everything is a result (analogous to the fruit), and every result has its cause (seed) and conditions (soil, water, sunlight, time, etc.).
Understanding karma helps us to lighten our attachments because we understand that things are the way they are for a reason, so we won't resist them so strongly. Moreover, we can seek to change things with logic and patience rather than merely being upset at things.
"Accord with the conditions" is a common expression in Buddhism, and it integrates the idea of "controlling the controllables" with the Law of Causality. When we look at a result, we can see its cause and conditions, which ones are in our control, and which ones are not. We then control the controllables and let go of the rest. If we don't "accord with the conditions", then it's because we are attached to something outside our control.
For example, let's say we are upset at someone for treating us with disrespect. This is the result. Rather than get upset, we can think about the potential causes and conditions that led to this result. Actually, there are two results to analyze: our feelings and their behavior.
First is our upset feelings. Buddhism teaches us that our feelings are the result, our mind is the cause, and outside events are conditions. We cannot control outside events, but we can control our mind (or attitude or way of thinking), and we can change our feelings as a result. Blaming the outside for our feelings goes against logic and is unproductive (but it is very common, and we should be understanding towards others for doing it). If we demand the outside to change in order for us to be happy, that would be "resisting the conditions". If we stop demanding the outside and instead adjust our own mind and attitude, then we can "accord with the conditions" and find inner freedom.
For example, we can change our attitude to be more empathetic and understanding rather than judgmental. No infant is born disrespectful and arrogant. That personality is a result of their upbringing and life experiences, which they didn't get to choose. Everyone thinks they are doing what's right; no one purposely tries to be bad. Moreover, if we had their genes, upbringing, and life experiences, we would be behaving exactly the same as them. Their behavior isn't "unreasonable." When we change our way of thinking (cause), suddenly our feelings (result) changes even though they (condition) didn't change.
We will feel much better when we can be understanding instead of angry towards them, but we probably still want to change the way they treat us. Again, we can use karma and accord with the conditions. Their mind or personality is the cause, and how we treat them is the condition. We cannot change them (the cause), but we can change ourselves (condition). If we demand them to change how they treat us, yet we refuse to change how we treat them, then that's unreasonable because we are not willing to provide the necessary conditions for the result we want. So, the question is, what did we do to make them treat us with disrespect?
Perhaps there was a misunderstanding in the past that led to resentment. In that case, if we clear up the misunderstanding and communicate good will, then the conflict can be resolved. Perhaps we don't show enough respect towards them, so they disrespect us in return. In that case, we need to show more respect to them. They might not change immediately because of past accumulated baggage, but if we keep planting seeds of respect, eventually those seeds will bear fruit, and they will treat us with respect in return.
To give another example, if we want others to listen to us, we can also use karma. What would be the cause and conditions? The cause would be them. If they have a humble attitude, they would be more likely to agree, but this is outside our control. The condition is us, specifically how much trust we've built with them. So if we want them to take our advice, we should first build trust.
But if we need to advise them on something now, then we need to accord with the conditions. If we have low trust with them, then we should advise them lightly and be very conservative and humble. We should also continue building trust so that we can advise more in the future. If we give very strong and demanding advice when trust is low, that would be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to controlling others or for quick results. If we have high trust with them, then we can be more direct and forceful in our advising. If they have trust in us and we don't even advise them, then that would also be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to not wanting inconvenience or trouble.
Conclusion
We all have the power to be happy and free regardless of our external circumstances. The key lies not in changing the outside, but in letting go of the attachments inside our mind. Detachment doesn’t make us apathetic or irresponsible, it enables us to truly live in the present, enjoy life, and do a better job at our goals. There are many ways to practice detachment, and this article mentioned five:
See the truth
Control the controllables and let go of the rest
Embrace reality
Practice selflessness
Understand karma and accord with the conditions
What are some big attachments that you have? How might you practice detachment?
Weekly Wisdom #352
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