How To Communicate With Children So That They Listen

Alex Chen
2 hours ago
13 min read

Recently in a weekly parenting class hosted by my school, we had a discussion with parents about how to communicate with children such that they would actually listen to us adults. There were many useful insights from that discussion, and so I decided to compile them into an article.

Communication a is must-learn ability for us to have a smooth life, but unfortunately, few of us have received education and training on it. As a result, a lot of us feel afraid, avoidant, and stuck when it comes to communication.

I've previously written an article titled Principles for Effective Advising, Criticism, and Recommendations, and that article covers most of the major principles of communication I have learned and practiced, and it's suitable for communicating with all kinds of people, whether they be elders, peers, or juniors. This article, however, will apply those principles specifically towards children.

For context, the parent who raised this question is struggling to communicate with her young children because she feels like she always tells her children the same things over and over again, but her children don't seem to listen or change. Moreover, her children will sometimes have emotional tantrums, and she often uses force to subdue them, which harms the relationship.

1: Treat the root, not the symptoms.

Problems are like illnesses. Illnesses have their symptoms and their roots. If someone has rashes, that's a symptom. Perhaps the root cause is a certain food or allergen. If we merely apply steroid creams to suppress the rash, but we didn't get rid of the allergen in our life, or we haven't strengthened the body to resist the allergen, then we have not cured the root. Eventually, negative side effects will come out, such as resistance to the steroid cream and even greater rashes coming out.

A communication problem is also a symptom. What's the root? The Great Learning said,

“From the emperor to the common person, everyone ought to make cultivating the self as the root.”

In other words, trying to fix other people is already confusing symptoms with roots, which is counter-productive.

The Great Learning continues:

"If one wishes to cultivate oneself, one must first rectify the mind."

The matter is communication with children. The symptom is they don’t listen.

The root is ourselves. If we change how we are, naturally, it will change their response.

The root of ourselves is our mind, beliefs, attitude, and thoughts. If we change our thoughts and attitude, then our speech, demeanor, and energy would naturally change, and their response to us would change.

The mind is the root of roots.

2: Rectify the mind. Think effectively.

Effective thinking aligns with the ancient teachings passed down for thousands of years, and it is positive thinking. Ineffective thinking violates these timeless principles.

2.1: Everyone wants to be good. Everyone can be taught to be good.

Ineffective thinking: “They are being unreasonable.”

Effective thinking: “Everyone wants to be good. Who would purposely choose to be bad? Every kid wants to be praised by their parents. Who would purposely choose to get scolded by parents? Therefore, we should view their bad behavior as a lack of good education and ability, not a lack of good intentions. We should identify what ability they need to develop, and then role model it for them to learn.”

2.2: Fix myself, not others.

Ineffective thinking: “They are the problem.”

Effective thinking: “It's never 100% one person's fault. Everyone has a part in the problem, but I need to focus on the part that’s in my control, which is me. Cultivating myself is the root. When I change myself, I naturally change how they respond to me.”

Ineffective thinking: “They need to listen to what I say.”

Effective thinking: “If they don’t listen to what I say, it’s probably because I haven’t set a good role model. Or they learned from bad cartoons, which would be my negligence for letting them watch those things. From another perspective, even if I have set a good role model, if they still don’t listen, then I can role model how to respond when others don't listen.”

For example, if we want our children to listen to us more, we should first reflect on ourselves. When my children try to tell me things, do I listen patiently? Or do I cut them off? Do I observe their reactions attentively and adjust myself accordingly? Or am I just thinking about what I want to say? Or when I communicate with my spouse or parents, do I listen patiently? My children are watching and will learn my behavior.

If I cut others off, then my children will think that's normal, and they will cut me off too. If I don't observe their reactions and respond accordingly, then of course my children wouldn't observe my reactions and adjust themselves accordingly. Whatever we want our children to learn, we have to role model it. Mere words aren't enough.

2.3: Karma. Energy is contagious. What goes around comes around.

Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin:

“One of the best ways to make others happy is to be happy yourself. One of the best ways to be happy yourself is to make others happy.”

In other words, emotional energy is contagious. What goes around, comes around. Adults have more power and energy than children, so it’s easier for children to get influenced by adults than the other way around. Children naturally imitate adults, so whatever energy and attitude adults use towards them, they will learn and return to the parents and use towards others.

For example, if we tell them “Clean your room now” with a demanding and controlling type of energy, it will attract opposition from them. If we criticize them, “Why is your room messy again!”, it will attract defensiveness from them. If we communicate with a calm and warm energy, it will attract calm and warmth from them.

Therefore, the first thing is to cultivate awareness of our emotional energy. Do we have any negative emotions like blame, impatience, or worry? If we do, we need to calm ourselves down, rectify our mind, and harmonize our energy before speaking.

2.4: Patiently let nature take its course.

Ineffective thinking: “I want them to change already. When will they change?”

Effective thinking: “Three inches of ice doesn’t freeze overnight. It took a long time to develop their current personality. It will also take a long time of planting good seeds into their mind to change their personality. We just focus on what’s in our control, which is planting the good seeds, and we let nature take its course. The seeds will grow and fruit whenever they are supposed to, and once the fruit are ripe, they will naturally fall off the branches. But if we get impatient and pull on the sprouts, we end up killing those seeds, and that would be counter-productive.”

3: Practical principles of speech from Venerable Jing Kong

3.1: “Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance.”

We complain because we think they shouldn’t behave like this. But according to the law of karma or causality, every result has a cause. Nothing is by random. They are the way they are now, partly because of their own personality, but also largely because of the role modeling we’ve set or didn’t set for them. If they were in a different household with different parents, would they have the personality that they have now? So blaming and complaining about them is not appropriate. Instead, we should view them as here to help us elevate our cultivation.

If we want their personality to change in the future, we have to start planting good seeds now. Whenever they lose control of emotions, we seize the opportunity to role model calmness and warmth. It’s thanks to them that we can elevate our cultivation, and over time, they will learn this from us.

3.2: “Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement.”

Again, what goes around comes around. If we criticize, that’s usually negative energy, so it will attract their negative energy. Also, what we focus on will grow. If we criticize, we are focusing on their faults. They will then think a lot about that fault, “I have this fault. My parents criticized me about it a lot.” It’s very negative, making it even harder for them to change.

But if we encourage them and say, “You’re getting better at it! Your effort is paying off! Your patience is very commendable!”, that’s positive energy, and they will gain more confidence, allowing their goodness to grow.

Instead of directly criticizing their mistakes right when they make them, we can wait for an appropriate time and caringly ask them to reflect on how they could do better. And then encourage them and say, “Wow, it’s great that you can reflect on your mistakes! I’m really proud of you!"

3.3: “Speak less words of command and more words of discussion.”

Commanding is very one-sided, making the other side feel unheard and uncared for. Oftentimes as adults, we may feel like children are just making excuses for not doing what they’re supposed to do. But we have to remember that the root of the problem is not the matter. The root is our heart and intentions.

For example, if we tell a kid to go do their chores, and they don’t want to, and they don’t have a good reason for it, usually, we shouldn’t start threatening them. Instead, we role model being understanding and discussing.

We could ask, “Do you feel uncomfortable right now? Do you need help? What would make you willing to do it?”

If the reason is not reasonable, like it’s time to stop playing but they just want to keep playing, we can very calmly and warmly say, “I know playing is very fun. I know you really like this game. I know it’s hard to keep track of time. I understand. But remember we agreed before that play time ends at 1, right? If I told you, ‘tonight we’re going to eat your favorite food’, but then later I didn’t cook it, would you be happy with me? Same thing here. It’s because you agreed to end play time at 1 that we have play time. If you don’t keep your word, how would I feel? If you can practice keeping your word, and make that more important than having fun, then I would be very proud of you.”

This is all in accordance with the teachings of The Record on Education:

“Guiding not pulling, encouraging not pressuring, prompting thinking not directly answering.”

The root is our intention. Are we trying to get them to do what we say because we want things to be easy for us? Or are we truly focused on their character development? We want to help kids cultivate a heart of empathy, of thinking about how others feel. To do that, we need to role model it for them over and over again. If we force them to do things when they are unwilling to, that’s role modeling coldness, not empathy, and they will oppose us because they will also focus on their own feelings instead of others’.

4: Other factors to consider

4.1: Contingency plan for a heated argument

There’s a Chinese saying that goes, “Only when we feel peaceful should we speak.”

If things get heated, and they get into a tantrum, or if we or they are very emotional, then it is not a good time to talk. We can simply say, “Let’s take a break”. Or “I need to use the restroom”, and then go take a rest. Once we feel calm again, we can talk to them again.

If it’s them that’s having the tantrum, then find a caring way to help them calm down. We shouldn’t punish them and force them to go to their room. We can ask them, “I think we’re both feeling a bit upset right now, how about we take a break?” If they say no, then we can say, “OK, well I need to use the restroom and I need a break, so I will go. I’ll come back when I’m feeling better.”

We can even go to a nearby convenience store and buy some sweets. Maybe buy some smarties and come back and say, “Let’s eat some smarties, and then we can communicate in a smarter way after.” The method of buying smarties is not the point here, the point is that we need to role model the virtues of warmth, softness, and tact. Others can oppose me, but I won’t oppose others. Others can try to obstruct me, but I will flow around them. Others can be upset at me, but I will still be caring towards others.

Once their emotions are calm, we can then seize the teaching opportunity and review what happened with them. “What made you upset? How did your response make others feel? Would you like to be treated that way? How would you like to be treated instead? What should you do next time a similar situation occurs?”

4.2 Change needs to be gradual and step by step.

Sometimes, kids want to do things that we adults might not approve of. For example, kids might be starting to get addicted to certain TV shows or games, and they throw a tantrum if we obstruct them. In this case, we have to understand that it took a long time to develop this addiction, and so trying to cut it off right away will attract backlash.

If we want to help them change a bad habit without backlash, we have to help them do it gradually, step by step. For example, if they play games for 2 hours a day right now, we slowly reduce it to 1.5 hours, then 1 hour, then 30 minutes.

Moreover, we should try to divert their energy to another activity to help with the transition. For example, instead of playing games, they could spend it on any skill that they're interested in learning. Maybe it's music lessons, or arts and crafts, or sports. Again, start off small, just 30 minutes, whatever they can tolerate. If we demand too big of a change right away, they will backlash.

4.3 Divert instead of obstruct

If kids are already addicted to something, we can try to use its positive aspects. There was a parent who complained that her husband and children all love Star Wars too much, so then the son wouldn't cut his hair because he wanted long hair like the jedi in the movie. Other family elders would criticize the mother for letting her son look like a girl, and the mother felt helpless.

I said, "If I were you, I would tell your son, 'If you want to have the same hairstyle as a jedi, then you better have the virtues of a jedi, like calm, discipline, determination, and honor. Otherwise you'll be ruining the jedi's reputation, and you don't deserve to use their hairstyle!' And then you could list out some bad habits that you want him to change, agree on a time frame, and see if he works hard to improve. If he does, he gets to keep the hairstyle. Otherwise, he has to cut it. Of course, your husband needs to agree with this plan, or else it won't work."

4.4 Pick a suitable time and setting

The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others:

Don't criticize them in public (it will make them look bad, which might anger them even more)
Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse (that's rather heartless)
Don't criticize before sleep time (it might make children have nightmares)
Don’t criticize before or during meals (it will ruin their appetite and hurt their digestion)
Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous (it can shock them)
Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed (it will just make them feel even worse)
Don't criticize when they are ill (it will make them feel even worse and delay their recovery)

I would add one more: when they are busy or in a rush.

We should try to set up a time where everyone is calm, in a good mood, and has time to talk. For example, if a child has a tantrum, I probably wouldn't try to reason with them on the spot. They're too emotional at that time. I'd wait until later, after they've calmed down, to guide them to reflect on why they had a tantrum and how they might resolve it better next time. I'd also try to pick a comfortable setting where they feel safe and relaxed to talk.

4.5: Collaboration

Education is not a one-person job. Education requires a community of people. The mother and father need to collaborate. The parents and teachers need to collaborate. It's rather unnatural to tell kids, "You need to respect me." That's why adults tell the kids to respect other adults. All the adults need to have the same views and standards, or else the kid can use different adults' words against each other.

At home, if the father said something that caused the child to start over-reacting, and the father can't calm the child down, the father could leave, and the mother could come in. If the father was very strict, the mother can be more warm and soft and try to help the child understand the father's intentions.

For example, the mother might say, "Your dad is trying to teach you to be disciplined, to be trustworthy, etc." Or "Your dad is very tired today, so maybe that's why he was a bit impatient. You know how it feels to be very tired right? Can you keep patience when you're very tired? Exactly. So we don't need to take it to heart. We should do something nice for dad so that he'll feel better."

If the kids misbehave at school, the parents would tell the kids to respect the teachers. The teachers would tell the kids to respect their parents.

Collaboration requires that the adults have the same views and standards. For example, if the mom thinks the child should do more chores around the house and not play on the phone, but the dad doesn't care and lets the child play on the phone, what will happen? The child will say to the mom, "But dad lets me play on the phone!" Then the mom will get angry at the dad, and the child will learn to be angry at others based on the mother's reaction. It's lose-lose.

Therefore, all the elders in the house need to communicate and get on the same page with regards to their expectations for their children. Only in this way can the adults work together and achieve the goal. If the adults have different destinations, then the child will be confused, or the child will just choose whichever standard he likes better.

Conclusion

If we just focus on changing others, that’s confusing the symptoms with the roots. The root is changing ourselves, and the root of roots is changing our mind, attitude, intentions, thoughts, and way of thinking. When we change the mind, our energy, speech, and behavior will naturally change, and their response will change accordingly.

We should also be patient and remember that it took a long time for them to become the way they are now, and so it will take time to change the situation around. We just focus on planting the seeds and not be impatient for the seeds to fruit.

At the level of speech, we can remember to speak less words of complaint, criticism, and commands, and instead speak more words of tolerance, encouragement, and discussion.

Other factors to consider include having a contingency plan for when things get heated, picking a suitable time and setting, and collaboration among adults.

It's a lot of information and factors to consider, but the more we practice, the more proficient we'll get, and the growth we and our children experience will certainly be worth the effort.

Weekly Wisdom #381