On Advising Others For Big Decisions

Alex Chen
1 hour ago
11 min read

Recently, a good friend told me she's thinking about divorce. This is a very big matter, and my purpose with this article is not to discuss the pros and cons of a divorce, but rather how we should support and guide others (and ourselves) when making big decisions, whether that be a divorce, choosing a partner, shifting careers, making a big purchase, moving residence, etc. I've previously written about principles for wise decisions, and this article will apply those principles in an actual matter.

1: What Can We Actually Say?

The first thing we need to do is consider whether or not we have the ability, credibility, and necessary information to advise on this matter. Or put in another way, based on my ability, credibility, and information, what can I actually advise on? How much can I actually say?

Reflecting on myself, I have some knowledge and experience in building relationships, I've studied relationships and decision making from ancient philosophers, and my friend trusts me. However, I don't have the necessary information to advise on whether or not she should divorce. I've only ever heard her side of the story. I have never talked to her husband, her parents, or his parents (yes, their parents are important people in this decision as they will get affected greatly). Therefore, I can only provide suggestions on how to make the decision, but I cannot push her towards a "yes" or a "no".

There is important worldly wisdom here. If we push them towards a certain decision, what if they listen to us and later regret it? They'll think back to how we pushed them, and resentment may arise. Thus, for someone else's big decisions, it's usually not a good idea to push them towards any decision. Our role is to support in whatever way appropriate, but ultimately, they should be in the driver's seat and be willing to take full responsibility for their decision.

From another perspective, whenever we are mediating a conflict, it's necessary to hear both sides of the story from both people. For example, when we listen to the wife, it sounds like the husband is terrible. Then we listen to the husband, and it sounds like the wife is terrible. We then have to weigh and filter both sides to try to get an accurate understanding of the situation. This also requires a lot of time and trust from all parties, which we may or may not have.

From a third perspective, even if we patiently listen to them explain the situation and their feelings, can they really explain that clearly? Do they themselves truly know themselves deeply? Do they truly know why they want to make this decision? Are they clear on all the factors involved in this decision?

It's one situation if they already have a decision in mind, explain their thought process to us, and ask us to check if there are any problems. It's a different situation if they just ask a big open question, "Should I divorce?". When they ask that big open question, we know that they themselves probably have not done the internal reflection and information gathering necessary to make that decision, and that process takes time, so we certainly shouldn't be advocating for a "yes" or "no" at this stage.

Based on all of this, I told my friend, "This is a very big and complex decision that will require a lot of introspection on your part to make properly. So today, I'm just going to share my thoughts on how you can make this decision effectively. Of course, my thoughts shouldn't be just my thoughts, they should be based on the ancient teachings that we often discuss. Otherwise, please correct me."

On a related note, if we are the person seeking advice, it's often better to ask "How should I think about making this decision?" as opposed to asking "Should I make this decision?". This is also worldly wisdom. If we ask someone for advice on a situation, and they passionately advise us towards doing it, but later we decided to not follow their advice, then they might feel hurt or feel that we don't trust them. Of course, it's also very important that we ask someone who is wise, trustworthy, and an expert on the subject matter; Otherwise, we are simply asking for trouble.

2: Meditate On Your Intentions

The first piece of advice I gave was this:

"The word 'divorce' has a negative connotation to it. I know you probably worry that it's bad to get a divorce. I know you value compassion. But remember that whether an action is good or bad, and whether the karma we receive in the future is good or bad, depends not on the action, but rather on the intention.

We often talk about that story from Liao Fan's Four Lessons, where some people asked a wise monk about the standard for good and bad. Some people said, 'Loving and respecting others is good,' and the monk said 'Not necessarily." Some people said 'Hitting and scolding others is bad.' The monk said 'Not necessarily.' It depends on the intention. If we are nice to others because we want to benefit from the relationship, then that's selfishness, and that's morally bad. If we hit and scold others because they have a big fault and stubborn personality, and they need strict punishment to correct themselves, then that is having their best interest at heart, and that is goodness. It's the same with this decision about divorce.

Next, when it comes to having others' best intentions in mind, we also need to consider the bigger group and the long-term. Liao Fan's Four Lessons says,

'Don't think about just the present action, but also about unintended side effects. Don't think about just the immediate effects, but also about the long-term effects. Don't think just about one person, but about the whole world."

You and him are the drivers for this decision. However, your parents are also important stakeholders who will get affected. Parents always want the best for their children. In the role of a child, it's important to ease our parents' worries. Otherwise, we'll create conflict with our parents, and that will haunt our conscience. That means we need to patiently communicate with our parents about this decision and not rush to make the decision if our parents aren't ready to accept our decision yet. Once we get our parents' support, we will have a strong moral force supporting us, giving us confidence and ease of mind.

Thirdly, intentions are often a mix of good and bad, so Liao Fan's Four Lessons also emphasizes pure intentions. It tells us to 'clean our hearts from the small hidden corners'. We might think we are doing something for the good of others, but deep down, do we still have selfishness mixed in? Is there still a bit of us that is doing this because we really want to gain some sort of benefit for ourselves? Or to avoid trouble and inconvenience for ourselves? If there are still shadows of selfishness in our hearts, then we won't have an easy conscience, and we won't be able to confidently stand by our decision when others challenge us.

A great role model is Kazuo Inamori, who is considered a business sage in Japan. He had great business success in his career and advocated the teachings of Liao Fan's Four Lessons. He also practiced them of course. When he entered the telecom industry, he meditated on his intentions. He didn't do it because he wanted to earn more profits. It's because at the time, there was only one telecom provider, so they could charge unreasonably high prices. Telecom is a necessary service for all the people, and he wanted to help reduce their burden. That's why he entered the telecom business and was very successful. But he didn't make that decision until he was sure that his intention was pure.

Age 65, he decided to retire and become a monk, seeking a spiritual path. But when he was 77, the Japanese government asked him to come back to the ordinary world and save the national airline, Japan Airlines. Again, he meditated for months on his intentions. Was there any desire for self-gain? To avoid hassles and trouble? He washed away those selfish intentions.

He focused on what's best for all the people. Air travel is a necessary service to the nation. If Japan Airlines goes bankrupt, it would create great trouble for the country, and it would cause the people to lose confidence in their nation. He has the background and expertise to help, so he cannot turn a blind eye and still have an easy conscience. Thus, he left the temple and accepted the role as President of Japan Airlines when it already filed for bankruptcy protection. Within two years, he turned the company around, and it was re-listed onto the Tokyo Stock Exchange.

Ultimately, what happens in the future depends on our intentions. The more pure and good our intention, the better the future we will attract and manifest. That's why Inamori spent so long meditating on and purifying his intentions. Whether or not you divorce is not the big matter. The big matter is the strength and purity of your intention."

My friend asked how she should meditate on her intention. I replied:

"I'm not an expert on this either, but in my experience, it's about cultivating a mind of tranquility and stillness. The mind is more rational and makes better decisions when it is calm and tranquil, so we want to make sure we are in a state of calm and tranquility before thinking about a decision.

To give an analogy, the mind is like a mirror. Emotions like desire, worry, fear, annoyance, etc. are like dust. When the mirror is covered with dust, it cannot reflect the situation clearly. If we cannot see the situation clearly, then how can we make a good decision? Calming the mind is like cleaning off that dust. Once the mind is tranquil, we can see the situation clearly, and then the answer becomes obvious.

In terms of how to calm the mind and attain a state of tranquility, each person can find what works for them. Some people like to sit down, close their eyes, and meditate. Others like to walk in nature, or run, or knit. Personally, I do Buddha-name chanting where I chant 'Amitabha' like a mantra. If I need to make a big decision, I might try to do some 2-hour meditation sessions or however long I need to attain a state of tranquility.

At the beginning, it feels like my mind is a wild horse. It keeps running in different directions with all these wandering thoughts. But if I persist, eventually, the mind calms down and becomes quiet, and I feel like my mind is super clear. In this state, it's easier to have realizations. You don't have to intentionally think about or analyze the answer. When we attain an elevated state of mind, the answer seems to naturally come to us.

Another method is loving-kindness meditation. A pure mind (free from selfishness) is naturally compassionate. Kindness is innate in all of us. When we make a decision from a purely kind heart, it is true goodness. There are lots of guided loving-kindness meditations on the internet, but basically, you can close your eyes and visualize someone that you love dearly. Maybe it's your mom, or your dog, someone who you want nothing but the best for. Then imagine that loving energy all around you, filling every cell in your body. When you feel the love and warmth of that energy, think about that decision. What's the natural answer that comes to mind?

When an answer comes to me, I try to be cautious. I don't want to suddenly get too excited. I will check with other wise people and ask them to look for holes in my thinking. I might do some more meditation sessions as well. If after all of that, I'm still confident about my decision, then I will make it."

3: Affected Parties

My friend asked, "So from the perspective of filial piety, should I just listen to my parents here?"

I replied:

"You and him are the drivers of the decision. The responsibility for the decision lies with you two. However, we also have to consider affected parties and give them appropriate involvement and participation in the decision. Both your parents are affected, so it's important to consult them."

My friend said that she talked about this with her parents before, and they want her to stay in the marriage, but her parents don't know everything. At the same time, she also doesn't want to say too much because she doesn't want them to worry unnecessarily.

I replied:

"It's great that you don't want your parents to worry unnecessarily. But we have to judge each situation to determine what's better. If it were a smaller decision, then maybe it's fine to not tell them all the details. But since this is a very big decision, you should try to patiently and sincerely communicate with your parents. After all, your parents want the best for you, but they don't have the credentials to advise you if they don't even understand the situation fully. If you listen to them just because 'a good child is supposed to listen to parents', but you didn't communicate with them sincerely, then that isn't truly being a good child, and you might create trouble and resentment in the future.

Of course, before you communicate with them, it's important that you meditate on your intentions first so that you can bring a calm energy to the conversation. Energy is contagious. If you're all anxious and worried about it, they'll catch that energy and become worried as well. But if you are calm and confident about it, then they'll catch that energy too."

4: Weighing Factors, Other Options, and Risk Mitigation

One more point is that we can list all the decision-making factors on a piece of paper and give them weights.

For example, you might have factors like

My goals
His goals
My willingness to change
His willingness to change
His trustworthiness
My parents' opinions
His parents' opinions
Practical factors

When you meditate on your intentions and cultivate a mind of tranquility and compassion, you might have some realizations about what factors to consider in the decision and what weight to give each factor. Maybe it's just one or two factors that matter the most. Maybe it's a mixture of multiple factors. Having this written down helps to give us a clear and well-rounded picture of the decision.

It's also important to consider the flexibility of each factor. For example, if your parents' opinion right now is for you to stay in the marriage, but you haven't communicated sincerely with them yet, then you should try and change that first. Or if his goals don't align with yours, but you haven't tried to align them yet, you can try that first.

We should also consider the pros and cons of each decision and think about how big they are and if the risks can be mitigated. For example, if you choose to divorce, then there's the risk of creating resentment. How big of a deal is it? If big, how can you mitigate it? Well, if we meditate on our intentions beforehand, it'll increase the chances that they know we have their best intentions at heart.

Or if you choose to stay in the marriage, there's the risk that he continues to do the things that made you want to divorce before. Maybe you can mitigate that by having couple counseling or therapy. We shouldn't think of decisions as just yes or no; oftentimes, there are other options if we shift from a win-lose mindset to a win-win mindset.

Conclusion

We will probably all encounter situations in life where someone asks us for advice on a big decision. When this happens, it's important for us to have wisdom, to weigh our abilities, to know what's appropriate to say, and to prevent unintended harm. I don't have perfect wisdom, so what I share is just for consideration. Oftentimes, it's better to advise on how to think about the decision as opposed to pushing for a certain decision. As for the decision making process, it's important to purify our intentions, involve the affected parties, weigh the relevant factors, consider unexplored options, and mitigate the risks wherever possible.

Weekly Wisdom #369